Episode 76. Real Men Are Sloths (Part 2): Why Slowing Down Is The Key to Her Desire
Unlocking Deeper Intimacy by Slowing Down
We live in a culture that celebrates speed. We binge-watch shows, fast-forward through commercials, scroll endlessly, and look for shortcuts in nearly every area of life. But here’s the paradox: the faster we go, the more we miss. And nowhere is this more true than in the bedroom.
Most couples bring their “hurry up” mindset into intimacy without realizing it. We treat sex like something to cross off the list rather than an experience to savor. But if there’s one lesson we’ve learned from both research and real-life marriage, it’s this: passion thrives when you slow down.
That’s where the Sloth Strategy comes in.
Why Slowing Down Matters
Science shows us that men and women often experience arousal on different timelines. On average, men orgasm in about five minutes of intercourse, while many women need 15 to 25 minutes—and sometimes more—to reach the same place.
For a lot of couples, this gap leads to frustration, shame, and even self-doubt. He may feel like he’s “not doing it right.” She may wonder if something is “wrong” with her body. But here’s the truth: nothing is wrong. This is simply how our bodies are wired.
Slowing down creates space for desire to build naturally. It allows you to be more present, more attuned, and more connected—not just physically, but emotionally.
Presence Over Performance
When we rush, we perform. When we slow down, we connect.
Slowing down invites you to shift from “doing sex” to experiencing intimacy. That means:
Paying attention to her breath, her sounds, and subtle cues
Exploring touch with curiosity rather than pressure
Letting anticipation build rather than racing to the finish line
This isn’t just about technique—it’s about mindset. It’s about being fully present with your partner, not distracted by the next step, the next move, or your own performance.
Creating Safety First
Here’s something research consistently confirms: for many women, safety is the gateway to desire.
Safety isn’t just about physical security—it’s emotional and relational, too. When she feels seen, respected, and valued, her body relaxes, her mind engages, and her capacity for pleasure expands.
Building that kind of safety takes time. It requires honesty, integrity, and vulnerability both inside and outside the bedroom. When trust is strong, slowing down becomes natural—and intimacy becomes far more fulfilling.
How to Start Slowing Down
If slowing down feels foreign, here are three ways to practice:
1. Engage All the Senses
Move away from goal-driven sex. Focus instead on touch, smell, breath, and sound. Explore each other slowly, without rushing to the next step.
2. Stay Curious
Ask questions. “Does this feel good?” “What do you want more of?” Curiosity invites openness and builds connection.
3. Be Intentional
Block out distractions. Light candles. Set the mood. When you treat intimacy like something sacred, your body naturally follows the rhythm of the moment.
The Bigger Picture
At its core, the Sloth Strategy isn’t about technique—it’s about transformation. It’s choosing to let go of urgency and embrace presence, connection, and mutual pleasure.
When you slow down, you create space to see your partner fully, to explore deeply, and to experience intimacy that lingers long after the moment ends.
So tonight, remember the sloth. Pause. Breathe. Be deliberate. Your marriage deserves that kind of attention.
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0:02
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast for the intelligent spouse.
I'm Doctor Heidi Hastings.
And I'm Doctor Scott Hastings.
We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose, to transform the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.
0:34
Welcome back everyone.
We're excited to continue our discussion on Real Men Are Sloths because this takes a while to unpack.
It does, and this is higher level education here in the Hastings Institute of.
Advanced marital studies.
0:51
Advanced marital studies.
I got to get that down.
Because this is an advanced course, men women you can join in too, but this is mainly for men today to learn how to become sloth like material.
Scott, why don't you just give us a recap of what we covered I.
1:08
Will do a very brief recap 'cause they probably need to listen to it to get the full details, but.
Maybe they forgot between Tuesday and Friday.
Just that you know the differences between men and women and how in in all areas, all facets of life, but specifically sexually there are significant differences between men and women.
1:30
The ones that women experience can be quite perplexing and very paradoxical.
Paradoxical meaning she may want to not have sex, but her body says it's ready for sex or vice versa.
1:49
And she may have pain during sex, she may have pleasure, she may have both.
That's can be really confusing to a brain.
There's a lot of things that women experience that seem paradoxical.
2:06
And so it may cause them to feel unsure of themselves, including their sexual identity as a woman.
And so this is the backdrop of today's episode that real men, real sloths understand this about their wives.
2:25
They're patient.
They're slow.
Sloths are the world's slowest mammal and we are training men about how to slow things down very slowly.
2:40
With their wives.
With their wives sexually.
Not when it comes time to take out the trash.
Keep that in mind, guys.
All right, so let's talk about some real practical tools here today.
2:57
We're going to start with foreplay.
I think everyone should know what foreplay is.
That is the time you spend together before sexual intercourse occurs.
Usually, I shouldn't say all the time, but we did talk to in the past about sense 8 touch.
3:17
I was episode 29 No girls allowed.
So understand this men that women process skin to skin touch differently than men.
Your wife processes skin touch differently than you do.
3:33
Does research say that?
Yes, it does.
In the groundbreaking study by Russo ET al.
In 2020, it showed that tactile sensory nerves in the female the a ferrant nerves.
Those are the nerves that go from the skin to the brain.
3:51
Found that the females sense things fundamentally different than men.
Interesting.
They said quote there is a sex asymmetry in the pleasantness perceived during an effective tactile stimulation, with females showing higher pleasantness ratings than males.
4:11
So women do process very light skin touch, generally speaking, with more pleasantness than men do.
Can I just add there, I think it depends too on if their brain is in the game.
4:28
We've talked a lot about the brain being the biggest sex organ for both men and women, but I think women are more prone to be checked out of the experience if they're not very intentional.
And they may be planning their kids birthday party or their To Do List or thinking about an interaction they had with someone or a lot of different things.
4:52
And so the level of sensitivity to touch is probably going to be more intense when their brain is in the game.
I do not disagree with you, OK?
I think this study did not look at that, though.
5:08
They just looked at all comers, men and women, OK?
And even if women's minds are not in the game, they're on their kids, they still perceive that touch differently, differently and more pleasurably.
So I think what you're referring to that that just amps it up.
5:26
Yeah, amplifies it.
That's good.
Yeah, so this is really important for men to to understand that women do like to be touched.
And when that touch is slowed down to the point of almost no movement at all, a change comes over your wife.
5:42
This, my eager young man, is called sensate touch.
Sensate touch requires patience, patience, patience.
Just like the three toed sloth on that YouTube video that you watched.
5:57
You must retrain your body to slow down the feather like touch from the fingertip pad of any of your fingers.
Start by moving slowly across her hands, arms, her torso, abdomen, her legs, feet.
6:22
Remember the sloth men?
If you think you're going too slow, you're likely not going slow enough.
You may feel like if you move any slower, you're going to fall over or fall asleep.
6:39
You may feel as if the very center of the universe has collapsed on itself and that time itself is standing still.
Go slower.
So I just want to point out that this is a technique that was developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s, I believe in the very beginning of sex therapy and it was used as a tool to help people who were struggling with their sexual relationship.
7:10
But the speed for every woman is going to be different.
So this is something fun to play with, to explore and to see what works for her, what gives her the most intense feeling and builds her desire.
We'll.
7:25
Start with flow.
That's usually a really good place to start.
The slower the better.
Now, regular meditation practice can help you slow down men.
We've talked about this in episode 68 and 69 on meditation.
7:44
I know also Doctor Shalom Levitt talked with us about mindful holding, which is a practice of just holding each other for 5 minutes or so at the end of the day or when one partner comes home from work or whatever it is.
8:01
That is also a practice that helps slow down. 5 minutes is a long time.
It is.
I think we make 30 seconds to be honest.
But that's a good.
That's a good.
Idea teach especially men to slow down their sexual response is my point OK.
8:17
Because.
It's.
Pretty It's very fast for men.
Yep, sloths know men to avoid the erogenous areas of their wife's body while doing sense 8 touch, meaning they avoid breasts, buttocks, genitalia that comes.
8:36
Last, the sexual tension.
It does, but it allows it to build very slowly through different means that are not sexual.
OK, I like.
That so the erogenous stones always come last.
Set a timer, man, for 15 minutes to start. 15 minutes.
8:56
That's like an eternity.
Not so for the true sloth.
Sloths may take an hour or more just on 4 play alone.
Say what?
That means it's got to be scheduled, which makes intentional.
9:14
Yeah, not.
Every sexual, not every sexual experience is going to be this way.
Whatever.
Works for them.
That's sloths.
Never focus on the clock though, and if you think your wife won't notice you zoning out during sensei touch, think again.
9:29
They can.
Zoned out touch by a husband feels differently than fully engaged touch and intentional touch by a husband to his wife.
This requires mindfulness from both people.
9:47
And after you finished going over the arms and the shoulders, the back legs roll her over onto their her back and do the same thing on her front side, again avoiding erogenous zones for as long as you can.
10:04
By doing this for your wife, you help facilitate your wife coming back into her head and to start focusing on what exactly your touch does to her body and her mind.
She starts to think, what do I like?
10:20
Is there anything I don't like?
Foot rubs, hand rubs.
Don't even think about going to the erogenous zones until she's in the zone.
Men, that may take 1020 thirty minutes before you even start touching there.
10:38
She's starting to get some clarity right before your eyes.
All right, let's move to the main course intercourse.
Whether you're new to this game or have been at it for years, slowing down the time from penile penetration allows your wife to accommodate and receive you more fully.
11:06
This is symbolic men as much as it is physiologic.
Slowing down that penetration time allows your wife's vagina to adjust and lengthen.
Fast entry doesn't usually end well.
Thrusting before she can fully accommodate you is a rookie mistake dude.
11:28
That's good.
I like that.
Imagine you're holding the most delicate and beautiful flower in front of you.
Imagine a rose, a Lily, a Tulip, a hibiscus.
Whatever type of flower fascinates you, you will be gentle and attentive while appreciating the beauty and intricacies of this floral delicacy That's your wife.
11:57
Sloths like to eat flowers very, very slowly, intentionally and gently.
All right, part of this whole process of intercourse, mindful gaze we talked about.
12:19
So this is another tool.
We're moving to another tool.
We talked about sensei touch.
You talked briefly about the mindful holding intercourse, mindful gaze.
This happens well at any time, but especially during intercourse.
The sloth is deliberate.
12:35
It works best if you've already LED up to it with all these other tools of slowing down, right?
The sloth is deliberate.
He's non threatening.
He is most certainly not a beast.
While your wife may like a beast in bed sometimes, she may also like a ninja in bed sometimes.
12:54
Those are both fine and dandy in their own right and at their own times.
But the sloth is unashamed and unafraid to look directly into his wife's eyes, mindfully, fully present, aware of her movements during lovemaking.
13:12
Longingly, longingly.
That's a women.
Women like that.
Most people have trouble getting past 20 seconds of looking at their spouse in the eyes directly.
Try 5 minutes during intercourse.
Remember, we were teaching classes on sexual mindfulness and that was one of the assignments we would give.
13:34
And it was hard.
It was very, very hard.
It was hard for us to start with.
It's taken a long time.
Hard now all.
Right, we're moving on to the dessert here, the orgasm.
The sloth is keenly aware of his surroundings men.
13:52
This keeps him safe from would be predators.
He is keenly aware of his wife's physical and non physical responses.
He listens.
He is sensitive to the rhythm of his wife's body, her breathing patterns, her skin responses, her muscle twitches, her lubrication patterns.
14:16
He senses if there's something wrong, she'll let him know and he knows how to respond very quickly.
And that may not be verbally.
Letting it may not be verbal.
It may happen faster than what she can start saying.
He understands that sometimes his wife may actually not want to orgasm.
14:38
That's OK.
Shalom Levitt and Tammy Hill both have talked about living in an orgasmic state without actually orgasming.
So.
So she may not want to orgasm.
That's totally OK, man.
She also may find herself moving toward orgasm.
14:58
You probably want to ask her first so you don't misunderstand.
Let her tell you what she wants.
The sloth remembers that most men orgasm after around 5 minutes of intercourse.
Most women take at least 10 to 20 minutes, and sometimes 30 or more to orgasm.
15:22
Sloths are patient, never rushed.
They attend to each moment.
Some women struggle with achieving orgasm.
That's OK.
That's actually normal for a lot of women.
According to a study by Kontula 2016, women need the following mental and relationship factors in order to increase orgasm.
15:48
One sexual desire.
Now remember men, it looks different for your wife than it looks for you.
That sexual desire.
We talked about this second sexual self esteem, confidence in themselves and how they look, how they feel, that there's a lot that's packed into sexual self esteem in a woman.
16:16
I think confidence is is high on the list.
The third thing is openness of sexual communication with their partner.
Men, remember, they may not have that language just yet due to all of the ambivalence surrounding the sexual paradoxes that your wife has to live with.
16:37
That's OK, You need to have that space anyway to talk and discuss some of these things you learned.
The 4th is ability to concentrate.
Remember men, they may need to concentrate on a fantasy, a narrative storyline, and you want them to fantasize about you, not your neighbor.
17:06
So you want to step it up man, and be the guy in her fantasy that she fantasize about.
Which brings up a good point.
We here at Marriage IQ do not advise to fantasize of other people while having sex with your spouse.
17:24
Now you can do what you want, you do you.
We have an opinion that the best sex is going to be when you fantasize about your spouse.
17:40
Now it could be different ages, different positions, different careers.
Locations.
Locations, whatever, but it's your spouse that you're fantasizing about and we strongly advise that and believe that here.
17:55
For the most scintillating marriages.
Yes, the best marriages will be fantasies about your spouse, a fifth one that they talk about mutual sexual initiation.
So husband and wife are involved in initiating sexual experiences.
18:16
And the last one that they came up with is a partner's good sexual techniques.
Well, there it is.
It finally came.
So yes, learning sexual techniques are good.
They are not everything.
18:32
In fact, they're not even the majority.
They're down the list, the priority list, but they should be learned over a lifetime.
Built upon these other elements of intimate touch, look.
Yeah, a study by Mora ET al 2020 discussed the biggest factors in women not being able to orgasm.
18:57
They are one more sexually inhibited and what does that mean?
We talked about this earlier between you and I, I think perhaps prior trauma or they have somebody image issues.
These social scripts, narratives, or.
19:15
Perceived lack of affection by their spouse.
Messages they got from their parents or their friends.
So there's a lot there that's packed into this.
They may be more sexually inhibited.
The second one, they may have more negative thoughts during sex.
19:31
And I think these two are really deeply intertwined with each other because if you have negative thoughts during sex, you are going to be sexually inhibited.
And I think maybe some depression might come into this, anxiety, fear, worry, distraction that can be come into play with these negative thoughts during sex.
19:55
Another one that they came up with.
Women have fewer erotic thoughts who have trouble orgasming.
We've already talked about this a few times, that women in general, in order to increase their orgasmic frequency, need the storyline, this narrative fantasy, to help push them toward that orgasmic experience.
20:24
Men remember.
A woman's biggest sex organ is their brain.
None of the information today can happen unless your wife feels secure in her relationship with you.
Don't mess with this powerful sexual force unless you have made the other three cornerstones of a scintillating marriage a priority in your life.
20:47
And as I said earlier, go back.
Listen to episode 29, No Girls Allowed.
There is a quiz at the end of that episode.
If you haven't taken it before, you get to take it right now.
And if you have taken it before, take it again and see if your score went up.
21:05
Compare your score.
See if you're more intelligent.
I want you to take this marriage IQ masculine intimacy IQ test.
True sloths are intimately masculine.
That way you can see how far along the path you are to become the quintessential intimate male.
21:23
Each yes answer gets one point.
Are you ready?
So we're doing it again.
We're doing it right now, OK?
One, do you know mostly who you are?
Yes or No2?
You excitedly, not begrudgingly, think about your wife more than three separate times in a given day?
21:41
Three.
Do you excitedly, not begrudgingly, call or text your wife at least once per day?
4 Do you excitedly, not begrudgingly, make dinner, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, or some other household chore at least five times a week?
21:59
Because Eroticism starts outside of the bedroom.
Right.
Five Do you excitedly, not begrudgingly, open your wife's car door and any other door when you go places?
6 Do you understand the difference between the words excitedly and begrudgingly?
22:19
That's a good one.
Seven, do you ask your wife daily about how her day went?
Then listen with uninterrupted attention. 8 Do you see your wife as a queen or a Princess of the highest nobility that deserves all the strength, support, and protection you can give?
22:39
Nine Would your wife say that you're not a narcissist if she was asked?
Wait a second on that one.
What if they truly are a narcissist and it's a personality trait, not a chosen path of life?
22:57
Well, narcissist.
Can it be overdrotted?
Can it be over?
It can.
That's why it's only worth the point.
OK 10 Do you go on weekly dates together to talk about your relationship and not children?
11 Do you know how to read the room and get a sense for your wife's emotional state then respond in a supportive manner?
23:24
12 Do you treat each moment as your sexual experience with your wife as a fine dining experience by being intentionally present and not just noticing but appreciating your wife's exquisite touch, scent, taste and sight?
13 Do you prepare for your love making experience routinely by making sure you have a soft blanket, soft music, soft lights, lubricant, Viagra if needed, and necessary tools like a vibrator or a tongue to enhance your wife's sexual experience #14 Do you patiently and gently wait for your wife to orgasm before you do?
24:10
Of course, only if she wants to buy her own free will and choice. 15 Do you ask your wife at times that she chooses not you choose to ask her how you can make her sexual experience better in the future, her likes, dislikes, speed, motion, etcetera. 16 Do you take responsibility for clean up after sex, like putting away or washing the blanket, sanitizing, charging vibrators, putting away the lubricants, warmers, blowing out candles, turning off music, etcetera?
24:51
17 Do you want, truly want in the bottom of your heart to become the kind of man that gives your wife butterflies every time she sees you?
All right man, if you answered yes to any question, you get one point.
25:07
For those who scored six and below, you need an emergency life saving course in male intimacy.
A book will be forthcoming, will be a while, but we're working on it. 7 through 9.
You are a work in progress.
There is significant room for growth.
25:24
If you keep going 10 through 12, you are well on your way to becoming the intimately masculine man your wife deserves. 13 through 15, you are an intimate man rock star who is becoming, not just doing.
And your wife knows it. 16 through 17, you belong among the sloth gods men.
25:49
But don't forget to sharpen that saw frequently.
All right?
What?
What do you think about that?
Is that good?
Yeah.
I think women would, generally speaking, be really, really happy if that was how their husbands were.
26:05
And if any of our listeners have things to add to that list, let's hear it. e-mail us at hello@marriageiq.com because this is what the Hastings Institute of Marital Studies, Advanced Marital Studies, has come up with so far.
26:22
But we're open to other ideas.
All right, what can you do this week, man?
Take the quiz, score it to realize your wife may not even know what she doesn't know from a sexual standpoint due to these sexual paradoxes and this ambivalence that she has to live with surrounding her sexual identity.
26:45
As she comes to realize this ambivalence and know that it's normal for her and for a lot of women.
Help her explore herself without pushing her into what you want.
Realize that sloths are extremely patient, slow, intentional, deliberate.
27:02
They also allow their wives to have their own identity, their own decision making power.
Have this conversation with your wife this week.
If it works out.
Be aware and sensitive before you initiate this type of conversation.
27:21
Invest in your marriage by pulling out the stops and going for it like the craziest investment you've ever made.
Don't forget to be aware of your own needs though.
That's really great, Scott.
I appreciate the perspective that you're giving men today to look at the female perspective and do what they can to support that sexual relationship.
27:46
For her to have it be the best, most scintillating kind of experience that she can have, which will really just build the relationship as a whole, the marriage as a whole, and towards thriving, towards scintillation, as we like to say.
28:06
So thank you so much for all of that.
You did a lot of research on that.
I know I got out on this one because I wanted it to be from your perspective.
So.
Thank you so much.
Well, everybody, that's a wrap for this episode of Marriage IQ.
And remember, the intelligence spouse knows a scintillating marriage starts with changing themselves.
28:27
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28:46
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29:02
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