Episode 88. Rewriting the Story: CBT Tools for Marriage (Part 2)
Rewriting the Story: How to Stop Distorted Thoughts from Wrecking Your Marriage
You’ve been there. Your spouse walks in late, forgets to text, or sighs at the wrong moment and suddenly, your brain lights up like a crime scene.
He doesn’t care about me.
She’s always disappointed in me.
We’ll never get this right.
Welcome to the world of distorted thought patterns sneaky mental habits that twist reality and quietly sabotage connection.
In Part 1 of our Marriage IQ series, we identified ten common distortions that creep into marriage like all-or-nothing thinking, mind reading, and should statements. In Part 2, we’re taking the next step: how to reframe these thoughts so they stop running your relationship (and your emotions) into the ground.
Why Our Thoughts Matter More Than We Realize
Every marriage is built on a foundation of thoughts tiny interpretations that become powerful stories. Something happens, we think a thought, the thought triggers emotion, and emotion drives behavior.
If the thought is distorted, the emotions and behaviors usually follow suit.
“I’m unlovable” leads to sadness and shame, which lead to withdrawal, anger, or criticism.
“I’m a terrible parent” triggers guilt and hopelessness, which lead to overreacting, pulling away, or trying to control.
It’s not the event itself that causes pain it’s the meaning we attach to it.
The CBT Secret: Catch It, Check It, Change It
Psychiatrist Aaron Beck, father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), discovered that changing how we think changes how we feel and act. It sounds simple, but it’s not easy when your thoughts feel like absolute truth.
That’s where a simple three-step practice can help:
Catch It – Notice the distorted thought as soon as you can. (“He didn’t text back he must not care.”)
Check It – Ask: Is that 100% true? What evidence supports or challenges it?
Change It – Replace it with something more accurate and compassionate. (“He’s busy at work; we’ve had a great week together. This one text doesn’t define his love.”)
This process isn’t about pretending everything’s fine it’s about seeing things clearly. It’s mental clarity for your marriage.
A Story of Transformation: From “Unlovable” to “Lovable in Progress”
One client I worked with carried a lifelong belief: “I’m unlovable.” That one thought created ripples fear, shame, resentment, and distance.
Through our work together, she learned to pause and gather evidence for the other side. Was she really unlovable? No. She was kind, creative, devoted to her children, growing in self-awareness, and trying.
She replaced “I’m unlovable” with:
“I’m imperfect, but I’m trying. I’m progressing. And that makes me lovable.”
Instantly, her distress eased. Not because her circumstances changed, but because her story did.
And here’s the truth: you don’t have to be perfect to be lovable. You just have to be honest, humble, and willing to grow.
The “You Always” Trap
Distorted thoughts don’t just stay in our heads they leak out in our words.
Think of the last argument that started with:
“You never listen.”
“You always care more about work than me.”
Sound familiar? Those “always” and “never” statements are distortions in disguise emotional shorthand for “I feel unseen.”
Try this instead:
“I’d really like some more attention right now. Can we find a time to talk when you’re not watching the game?”
One opens the door to connection. The other slams it shut.
How to Rewrite Your Story
When you catch yourself spiraling into negative thoughts, try this mini mood log exercise:
Write down the triggering event. (He was late.)
List the thoughts running through your head. (“He doesn’t respect me.” “I’m not important.”)
Name the emotions. (Hurt, anger, fear.)
Find the distortions. (Mind reading, overgeneralization, labeling.)
Gather evidence for a truer story. (“He texted earlier that traffic was bad.” “He’s been attentive lately.”)
Replace the distortion with a more balanced truth. (“I’m frustrated he’s late, but I know he values our time together.”)
With practice, this simple exercise can shift your mindset and your marriage in remarkable ways.
It’s Not Just in Marriage
Distorted thoughts don’t only show up between spouses. They creep into parenting, friendships, faith, and work. If you believe “I’m failing” or “Everyone’s judging me,” it colors everything.
The good news? Once you know how to challenge these distortions in one area, you can apply the same tools everywhere.
Final Thought
Marriage isn’t about perfection it’s about progress. When you clean the lenses through which you view yourself and your spouse, everything comes into sharper focus.
You’ll start seeing grace where you once saw failure, effort where you once saw flaws, and love where you once saw indifference.
So next time your thoughts whisper “I’m unlovable,” answer back:
“I’m imperfect and still worthy of love.”
That’s not just positive thinking.
That’s truth.
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0:02
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.I'm Heidi Hastings.And I'm Scott Hastings.We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two radically different human beings coming together for one purpose, to change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.
0:32
Welcome back, everyone.We're excited to see you for another great scintillating episode of Marriage IQ and to follow up here from Tuesday here at the Hastings Institute for Advanced Marital Studies.We were talking specifically about them thought processes that we all have, that we all come to this life with and learn through our experiences, good or bad, that we bring as part of our baggage into our marriage relationship.
1:04
And we all have baggage, all of us.That's just part of the human condition.And Heidi, you did a great job discussing some of these negative distorted thought rocesses that we have and we gave you some homework.
1:20
Hoefully you had a chance to do that, to just ick out some that really come to your mind that you've kind of struggle with, and we'll review these 10 distorted thought processes.Doctor David Burns presented these in his book When Panic Attacks, which we highly recommend.
1:40
It's a really.Great.That's been out for a while, right.So number one is all or nothing thinking.So everything is seen through a black and white lens.There's no middle ground.Two over generalization.You view a single negative event, it's as never ending.
1:56
It's not going to stop #3 mental filter.Dwell on the negatives and ignore those positives #4 discounting the positives both in ourselves and in our spouse.This is a big one I think for a lot of people.
2:12
We just can't seem to think that we're good enough #5 jumping to conclusions.This is a one that I struggle with mind reading.I like to say that my crystal Paul is broken or my magic wand or my ESP O meter is broken.
2:30
So mind reading fortune telling that is not going to work in relationships.Maybe the 1800 numbers that might work but California psychics might know this.But number six, magnification or minimizing events or things that happened that maybe construed or interpreted it as a negative or positive, depending on how it's magnified or minimized #7 emotional reasoning.
3:02
So I feel really terrible.I must be terrible.This is another one I struggle with.It is distorted thought processes.It's time to stop #8 should statements telling other people you should do this, you ought to do this and telling yourself as well, although that can be good, right for yourself.
3:25
If I should eat right, that's not necessarily bad, but allowing that space for freedom to choose #9 labeling.Again, we talked about labeling is in this context very negative.I am a mistake or I am just a bad person because of this bad event?
3:46
Or my spouses.Or yeah, and then tense.I blame you or I blame myself for things that went poorly.And it's not really just one.Person and it may not be my fault, it may not be your fault.And I think it's important to know the difference because if it is my fault, I should also take the personal responsibility for that blame.
4:09
Right.Yeah.Thanks.You did a great job of summarizing those.Well, I had some help so.So in Part 1 on Tuesday, we also talked about how the thoughts we have evoke emotions in US.
4:25
And some of the most common emotions are being sad or anxious, guilty or inferior, like we're not good enough, feeling lonely, embarrassed, hopeless, frustrated, maybe angry.There are a host of other feelings.
4:42
But when we have these negative thoughts that Scott just summarized, the emotions are really negative.And then those negative emotions cause us to have negative behaviors.We react because we're feeling so terrible.
4:59
And then in turn, that negatively impacts our relationship outcomes.So we talked a little bit about a woman who, when we got down to the core of it, the negative thought that she had is I'm unlovable.
5:15
And we were able to identify the emotions that she felt.She felt sad about that.She felt fear, she felt shame, anger.She had a sense of loss.She had worry about being abandoned in the future, rejected and having to be alone.
5:33
She had this deep sense of defectiveness or unworthiness, and she felt a lot of resentment toward her husband and felt hopeless because she thought maybe this will never change.Than her and other clients or women that I've interviewed.
5:51
How did the emotions impact the behaviors?Withdrawing or being clingy, being critical, being overreactive, yelling, numbing, all of those things can really hurt a marriage.None of them help a marriage.
6:08
This one thought pattern of I'm not lovable created this host of emotions and the emotions create this host of behaviors that are actually sabotaging the marriage or the thought I'm not a good enough mother then creates emotions that are negative and the negative emotions cause behaviors that impact parenting and so this really becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
6:41
Instead of making things better, our negative thoughts sabotage, sabotage all the relationships that we're in.Sounds like this is something you can't get out of, right?I mean that this sounds pretty bleak.
6:56
Pretty miserable, huh?So CBT like we.Talk.We rewrite some of the thought patterns that we have.So let's talk for a minute about the CBT tools that help us do that when we are in a circumstance that is causing us pain.
7:17
It's really, really helpful if instead of ruminating in all of our thoughts that we're narrating to try to make sense of the situation, if we can write down the thought we had at that moment.What was my trigger?So you're saying write down the thoughts that you had in the moment of extreme?
7:38
Reactivity.Sometimes we're going to behave first.Yeah, I don't see how I can write it down before behaving, because that's almost like an automatic reaction.It is actually so behavior just automatically follows.Shortly after, OK, we recognize what was my trigger and then what was the thought that came from that.
7:59
Then we write down what was the emotion or what were all of the emotions that I felt in that moment.And what you're saying to do is a very emotionally intelligent thing to do.So is it possible to just?Write it down in.The moment.For me, if I'm swirling in this circular thought process of negativity, I try to stop myself then.
8:21
But to do it, I mean, oh, hold on, let me pull out my little notebook and paper while I work through this.That's probably not possible, but.Maybe the I feel statements might be.Yeah, more helpful right in the moment.So once we know what our thoughts were and what the emotions were that were triggered by the thoughts, we can look at those emotions, see how much did I feel that way?
8:49
And then look at the thought and say, how much do I believe that thought?And usually where when we're in the heat of the moment, it's pretty high.Might be 8090.A 100%.I believe that thought is true.But then we start transitioning once we write it down to find a more accurate, more positive thought.
9:11
And to do this we have to find evidence so.We're our own little judge and jury, right?In the example of the woman who thought I am unlovable, we have to find evidence to the contrary.
9:29
Is there any evidence at all that I might be lovable?So wait.You're saying to be the defense attorney, the other side attorney, Great way.To put it to find truth, is there any part of me that's lovable?Because it sounds like you're wanting to be the plaintiff attorney, just finding all the things that you have mud on, right for yourself, right?
9:51
This is why I'm a terrible person.But you're saying that you have to seek out the.Other perspective.The other side attorney.Evidence.Because you know they're going to come with evidence.Right.Not that I'm an attorney, but, you know, a good analogy, yeah.
10:07
That's a really great analogy.So in the case of this woman, we'd already been doing some work on identity of who she is.And so that made it a little bit easier to tap into what some of the evidence was.She's fun.
10:22
She brings light into a room.She's very creative.She cares deeply about her children.She cares deeply about her husband.She has a lot of gifts and talents and strengths.
10:38
And so tapping into the specifics of those started giving evidence that negative thought that I'm unlovable wasn't true was unraveling.And some of those things included, just because someone else did this to me doesn't mean I'm defective.
10:57
It doesn't mean I'm bad.And that would include looking at all of the negative thought patterns that had been used for evidence that she was unlovable.Typically, in any given distressing circumstance, there will be not just one thought that we tell ourselves, but there might be 4 or five or eight or ten thoughts that are using the different thought distortions that kind of lead to what we believe about a circumstance.
11:25
So it's helpful then to go back to those 10 distorted thought patterns and reverse or question their validity.Is this really true or am I looking at it through an all or nothing lens?Is this really true or am I finding blame to place on someone else?
11:45
Well, I, taking the role as a defense attorney, find all this evidence to show that I'm really a decent person.Doesn't that then make me feel even worse because now I can't trust myself and the judgements I make about myself?I'm just digging as deep as I can here and I think that is a possibility unless we can start just looking at evidence as neutrally as possible without any emotion, feeling, belief attached to it.
12:18
Just see it there's evidence for what it is.This is why I love meditation.Go back and listen to our meditation episode The M Word.Let's us pause.It allows me to start looking at things.
12:34
I believe that the world works through a neutral lens.It's just there and I'm there, existing neutrally.So as we look through each of these negative thought patterns, question, am I using this lens to look at the story I'm telling myself?
12:51
We start unraveling those House of mirrors causing us to see ourselves in a distorted way or our spouse in a distorted way.And then it's important to find that one statement that's more accurate, that's more positive, that's more true.
13:08
And with this woman we talked about, I am lovable, I'm imperfect, and sometimes I don't do things right, but I'm trying, I'm progressing, and that makes me lovable.So that helped her unwind the thought that I'm unlovable.
13:26
Give it a more human viewpoint to make room for imperfection, but also to see the good parts about herself.Instantly her distress was able to subside.
13:41
The same with her thoughts about her mothering, her parenting when she was able to see why am I telling myself these distorted things and let me find evidence for ways that I am a good mother and that has made all of the difference in her parenting since then.
13:59
You know, all of this is great, my love.I think it's fantastic advice.Scientifically research backed up.I wonder because the story that you have is about this woman who felt broken, and a lot of us do.
14:16
However, I have a mind that goes everywhere, and I'm thinking about the people who tell themselves I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.I am wonderful.There is nothing wrong with me and I can do no wrong all.
14:33
Right.So let's see you take that situation through the model.That well, look, I agree with you completely.I'm just saying that it does go both ways.Is that all or nothing thinking?It certainly can be.Yeah, it can be for a lot of people who may suffer from narcissistic traits, which look, we all have narcissistic traits.
14:55
Some have more than others, right?But we do the exact same thing.It is mental filter.It is over generalizing in a sense I would say.Promoting ourselves and thinking that we're actually better than other people.
15:10
Moving to conclusions about our own importance above that of our spouse, we probably with that would use some statements about what our spouse should be doing.I'm Avip, I'm a 10.I mean all these things that can go too far to the other side.
15:27
OK, That's a good point.I haven't really run across that as much in my work, but you probably do in yours and so that's.Yeah, and I think it's important too, to the attorney for the other side.What evidence is there?Maybe, you know, maybe I'm not the greatest thing since sliced bread.
15:44
Holy cow all.Right.Am I looking at my spouse through some distorted lenses because of my own ideas of my own grandiosity?Yes.Or perfection, or whatever it is that's good.So rewriting to look for truth resolves a lot of distress, and it gives us a way to move forward.
16:06
But another way to move forward once we see truth more clearly is to change the language that we use.And this really taps into what we've taught before about using I statements.So when we see more clearly, instead of saying you never listen, you never help, you're never interested in me, you never spend time with me, that's not empowering at all.
16:33
That's right.On someone else, that is the distorted thought pattern.That's.Terrible communication.I'm sorry, that's terrible communication.So instead of saying, for example, you never listen, I'm going to use an I statement and not an I feel, but just I'd really like some more attention right now.
16:55
I'd really like to spend some time talking.Is there a time that we can schedule to do it when you're not watching the football game or when you're not trying to look up cheap travel deals or whatever it is?Climate change people are gonna ask, what's my take on this?
17:14
Not today.Today's.Are you the pro or cons?Today's not the day.Just let it hang out there.Great, cuz I don't think most people care.Maybe I don't care.Some of.It listeners.Go on, I'm sorry.
17:31
You hijacked.I hijacked.What you're saying I'm?Sorry you were not listening to me.I would like you to engage with me.I am very, very sorry my love.All right.So saying what we need from an empowering viewpoint is I would like what's another way to use a nice statement that's empowered?
17:53
So what I'm hearing you say right now is reverting back to the three communication tools, one of them being the dear man, right?In a perfect world, I would like to see this happen.Or it's just using the Thanos tool of in that same communication episode, the top three communication tools top.
18:14
Three communication tools.Of just being able to see, say this is what I need or this is what I'd like and can we figure out a way to make this happen?Right.Yes.OK, because the distorted thought patterns tell us that there's no way to control the situation we're in.
18:33
We're not using our agency.We're blaming somebody else.We're blaming ourselves.It's all negative and there's no hope for moving forward.When I say you always, I am taking away our agency, both you and me.Not good.Yep.
18:49
So using our voice to say what it is we need, or the way we feel, or what we would like our partner to help us with, without blaming, without seeing negative, should all of that will help us avoid living in that rumination.
19:07
Can I just ask maybe that our audience never say the words you always like ever again?Like just remove it from your vocabulary unless it's positive.You always light up my life.Don't.Don't eliminate that one.
19:25
All right, Doctor Burns also talks about instead of pointing a finger and saying you ruined our date night because you got home late or you whatever, reattributing things to both of us.
19:42
So when something goes wrong, instead of just saying it's all my fault or it's all your fault, we can look at it and say, OK, we both played a part in this.We are just human.Let's learn from this.So we talked about this when we talked about the autopsy episode where we just go back and we look.
20:03
This is what happened from my perspective.This is what happened from your perspective.The marital autopsy.Yeah, we both played a part in this and we're not going to blame.We're going to look at our combined.Just the facts, ma'am.Yep, at our combined situation and how both of us played a part in it, I wanted to throw out there just a couple of other stories or examples of how the distorted thought patterns work.
20:32
I had one client who decades ago saw that her husband was looking at pornography and the thoughts that she ruminated and ruminated on for I am not enough.I'm not pretty enough sexually, I'm not enough.
20:49
And I therefore he has to go somewhere else to look at what he really likes.And she didn't tell anybody this for a long time.But I want you to think in your head about how thinking that thought over and over for decades is going to impact your marriage.
21:10
One of the biggest emotions that she felt was anxious.Some anger, some loneliness, some isolation, some embarrassment.She was really afraid that she was not beautiful enough.Her body didn't look like what she saw, that he was looking at all of those things.
21:29
To some extent, it impacted her marriage.She never asked him about it again because she didn't have the language to do that.She didn't have the language, so she swept it under the rug.And my guess is she probably didn't show up in the bedroom her best self using her agency because of the belief I'm not beautiful enough, I'm not good enough.
21:51
So what we're trying to do here, folks, is teach you a language, a new language.These are like easy words to get by, right?So reassessing what you understand about marriage and emotional health.Right.So when we went through the distorted thought patterns together to make a more true statement, one of them was I have no idea really if my husband for 20 years has continued to be looking at porn.
22:19
I have no idea.And just changing and reframing that one thought brought kind of a relief.And then we had to work with some of the thoughts about her not being beautiful, about her husband potentially not loving her and looking for evidence for all of those to rewrite the story to be something more true.
22:44
Had another couple of clients that had some issues with some sexual dysfunction and they thought their partner would not love them because of this.They thought that their partner would want something else, someone else that didn't have some of these patterns of dysfunction.
23:06
They felt like they were broken and couldn't be fixed and they had thoughts about other people that they knew had everything just going hunky Dory and had no problems in their lives where they had such a devastating problem that was unfixable.
23:28
Well, first of all, we had to look at is this truly unfixable or there's some things out there that can help change the situation.We had to look for evidence.Does your spouse really not like you or blame you for this or do they love you?
23:45
And as we started looking at what the distorted thought patterns were that led to those negative thoughts, they were able to change their emotions from emotions of distress to emotions of hope.And just looking for that evidence is so helpful in finding truth.
24:04
And when we find truth, we can change from negative emotions to positive emotions and then show up much better in our marriages.So Scott, do you have any experiences in your life where you have had distorted thought patterns that and then impacted your emotions and then impacted your behaviors?
24:26
Well, I would like to think that I am just like Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way.Just kidding.The shout out for all the narcissists out there, right?Look, there are a lot of things that I experience shame over.
24:41
I feel shame over not being a good enough provider, not being a good enough father, not being spiritual enough.You know, there's these things, these stories that I tell myself because of things that have happened, that I am just not good enough.
24:59
Now, as far as being a provider part, I think that that runs across just about every man.They had that ingrained in their DNA biologically to be able to provide for their family.Now, I do not have those thoughts now, but there was a time in my life when I did and it was very deep and very dark.
25:17
And the story that I told myself was that I'm just not good enough.The doctor people don't like me and they go to other doctors and what am I doing in this profession?It was really harsh and it was dark.
25:33
Is it because of the amount of money you brought in or where did the thoughts?Yeah.I mean, we were, we were failing.We had an independent medical practice.We're not now.We're very successful now and it took a lot of self reflection and emotional work.
25:52
The years, really.There's no way I'd be sitting here if I hadn't gone through what I went through.And those years of realizing that I'm not just OK, I'm a decent human being.
26:07
So let's look at the doctor example for just a minute.I know that's not marriage, but I think it's helpful to see what evidence did you look for to help you see that what your thoughts were saying wasn't true?
26:23
Oh, that wasn't true.OK, The evidences I had that I was a decent physician anyway was my board scores.My medical board scores are very high.I'm not going to say how high.Very high.But they're very high.
26:40
That is good evidence.And that tells me that, OK, there's a national board of medical doctors that takes this test, and I did really well compared to them.So I must not be stupid.OK, That was one of the things.But also just reframing some of these thoughts, learning meditation.
26:58
I'm telling you, meditation is huge people, because now I'm able to neutralize these negative thoughts and reframe them and see the positives.I'm a hard worker.I work hard.You say that sometimes I'm a workaholic, which might be true.
27:15
I don't think it's as much now, but I think in this case, this was a positive attribute.And I said, I'm not going to let this happen.I'm not going to let my family fail and be on the streets.So I worked night and day to change the way that I presented myself as a physician or practice to the public and just kept at it and kept learning and growing.
27:40
And that's the thing that I come back to is I am not on top of any kind of mountain right now.I'm always learning.There's always a higher mountain to climb.I love Stephen Covey's advice and his seven habits for highly effective people.I think it's the last habit to sharpen the saw to keep it sharp as it can always be sharper.
28:01
Keep growing, keep growing.Keep doing it.Can do better without feeling shame.Right.When you were in the midst of the negative thought patterns, which I can see several that we talked about that would have pertained, how did that impact your home relationships?
28:21
How did that impact your behaviors?So I am a man, biological male.As I said, the ability to provide is in ingrained in my biological DNA that reflects upon my relationship with you as my spouse and my relationship with my children.
28:41
If I feel like I'm not able to provide the necessities of life, I feel like a failure, and then that helps me feel like I'm a failure in other parts of my life.OK.And then how did?How is our sex life going to be great if I feel like I'm failing you financially?
28:59
OK, good point.How do I feel with my children if I feel like I'm failing them financially?That mean you don't show up as a parent in your best self.It might.It probably does.So what I hear you saying is the thought patterns that are impacting our marriages may not even start with anything to do with our marriage.
29:22
It may be something external that then starts ruminating, starts bringing up negative emotions, and then the negative emotions bring up behaviors that then impact the family relationship.That's a cycle, the vicious cycle, so.
29:40
I love that because a lot of people who listen to this have jobs, have hobbies, have interests, have relationship with extended family, with friends.Any circumstance that we have where we're noticing using some of these negative thought patterns can show up in our marriage in a hurtful way.
30:02
That's true.But if you want the details on how to work through these mood log worksheets, get his book.I used this in a university class I taught that was full of undergraduate students who wanted to go on to become therapists.And we found that they did the first little exercise and it was helpful, but they went back to having those negative thought patterns.
30:25
So the next week we had them do 1:00 every single day of the week.And after they'd done about 7, they started to notice patterns in which distorted thought patterns were their favorites and that actually helped them make more permanent changes in their lives.
30:42
So if you can print off a bunch and just keep trying.My clients who didn't do that graduate out of my working with them much quicker.OK so this week everyone practice a couples thought record which will post on there called a mood log and when tension sunrises pause and walk through these steps together so you can be aware of what your distorted thoughts are so.
31:09
When you change your thoughts, you change the story you tell yourself about your spouse.It's magical.And that changes your marriage.All right, everybody, hopefully this has been a tool that helps you and we hope that you'll give us some feedback if you use it, about how it has helped or impacted your marriages.
31:32
Reach out to us at hello@marriageiq.com and we'll respond to you.And if you like this episode, please leave us a rating.Check us out on YouTube and Instagram and TikTok.
31:48
We're there to be sure to tell your friends as well to join our community.We'd love to have new listeners TuneIn every week.And we'll see you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage iQ.
