Episode 93 . When Childhood Trauma Follows You Into Marriage: How Healing Starts Within
The Quiet Noise: Healing the Hidden Wounds You Bring Into Marriage
If you’ve ever found yourself overreacting to something small a forgotten errand, a distracted glance, a tone that felt “off” you’re not alone. That seems to be happening to me more and more lately.
Most of us enter marriage believing we’re starting fresh, but the truth is, we bring our entire story with us the good, the bad, and the deeply buried.
That’s what therapist and author Malisa Hepner shared with us on Marriage IQ. Her story is raw marked by addiction, loss, and chaos in childhood yet her insight is pure gold for anyone trying to build a peaceful marriage after growing up in emotional survival mode.
When “Calm” Doesn’t Feel Safe
Melissa said something that stopped me in my tracks:
“When you come from chaos, calm doesn’t feel safe.”
That’s the paradox so many trauma survivors face. The nervous system becomes wired for turbulence scanning for threat even in love. A peaceful partner can actually feel dangerous because their steadiness is unfamiliar. So without realizing it, we create chaos to feel “normal.”
It’s not that we want conflict. It’s that our bodies have learned to equate stillness with danger. And until we learn to rewire that story, our marriage becomes the battleground where old wounds beg to be noticed.
The Achievement Trap
For Melissa, the coping mechanism wasn’t drugs or rebellion it was achievement.
She became the “golden child,” the proof that she was nothing like her parents. But every success was fleeting. The praise faded, and the emptiness returned.
That’s how trauma hides behind overachievement, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. We chase worth through doing because we never learned how to feel worthy simply being.
If you’ve ever thought, “Why can’t I just feel enough?” that’s not a character flaw. It’s a wound. And wounds don’t heal by performing harder. They heal through compassion, curiosity, and presence.
From Projection to Peace
At one point in her marriage, Melissa realized she was constantly triggered feeling betrayed or unseen over small things.
Her husband forgetting to pick up their child felt like a deep personal rejection, not a logistical mistake.
It wasn’t until she paused long enough to ask, “What am I really upset about?” that she discovered the real wound underneath: I feel unsupported. I feel alone.
That’s what she calls quieting the noise the practice of slowing down enough to notice the stories playing in your head and question if they’re true.
It’s not your partner’s tone or memory that’s the enemy. It’s the echo of the past, replaying an old script: You have to do it all. You can’t rely on anyone. You’re not enough.
Healing starts when you stop assigning moral meaning to your pain when you learn to experience a feeling instead of explaining it away.
Love Is Not a Chemical
Melissa said something near the end of our conversation that lingers still:
“The love you cultivate within yourself is the only love that actually exists.”
Everything else the dopamine rush, the butterflies, the emotional highs are temporary chemistry. Real love is an inner state. It’s what you share from your wholeness, not what you extract from your partner to fill your emptiness.
And that’s the Marriage IQ takeaway: you can’t have peace in your marriage if you don’t have peace in your spirit.
You can’t experience real intimacy if you’re still running from the ghosts of your childhood.
The Healing Starts With You
So what do you do if this resonates?
Start small.
When you feel that flood of irritation, defensiveness, or shame, pause.
Put a hand over your heart and ask:
“What story am I believing right now?”
Then remind yourself: You are already worthy. Already chosen. Already loved.
Your marriage doesn’t need a perfect you it needs a you that’s working toward healing.
One who can say, “I decide this is true about me.”
That’s where transformation begins not in your partner’s behavior, but in your own quiet decision to love yourself back to peace.
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Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.I'm Heidi Hastings.And I'm Scott Hastings.We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose, to change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.
0:33
Hello everybody, and welcome to another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.Today, we're really happy to have the privilege of welcoming Melissa Hapner.She's a therapist based in Oklahoma who sees first hand from her own life and the lives of those that she works with, how childhood experiences and trauma shape the way that we see ourselves and how we show up in our relationships.
0:55
Melissa considers herself to be a healing expert who guides others to find peace.She's an author, a public speaker, and host of the podcast Emotionally Unavailable, which I think is such an interesting title for a podcast.
1:10
Makes me want to listen.Just hearing that her blend of professional expertise and lived wisdom brings a compassionate perspective to the realities of love and identity and resilience in marriage.We're really honored to have her here with us today on Marriage IQ to share her story and her insights.
1:27
So with that said, welcome, Melissa, and thanks for being here with us today.Thank you.I'm glad to be here.So Melissa, one thing we like to do here, marriage IQ, is find out about identity, who you are, kind of where you came from.One of our 4 cornerstones.And some of your thoughts, what led you to what you're doing now?
1:46
Well.I had addict parents who were struggling with that before I was even born.So three children, one after another.I can understand how that makes sobriety really difficult if you were a person who didn't know how to regulate.We were back and forth with our parents between them and my grandma, so that was like a whole other level of trauma.
2:08
But we also had time in non kinship foster care.After the whole divorce thing, we entered into permanent kinship foster care with my grandma.That being said, my parents were still pretty active in our lives.
2:24
My mom exposed us to all kinds of stuff.It didn't matter what she was on, how long she'd been up, what kind of violence she was going to be a part of that day she was around.Whereas my dad was more of an opiate user.I lost my dad to an overdose when I was 15, and my mom died of complications related to hep C and cirrhosis when I was just about 22 and pregnant with my first child.
2:51
In between all of that was a lot of really violent relationships.The relationship that I saw between my grandparents.He was violent to her when we were living there.We did not even talk to him because he could not stand us and made it like really obvious.
3:10
My mom was violent in her relationships and so were her partners.I mean, we saw so much domestic abuse.I did not get one single healthy example of a relationship.Terrible relationships, so many narcissistic tendencies among every member of my family.
3:30
It sounds to me like you had great education one O 1 in dysfunctional relationships.Oh my gosh yes and then my ex-husband I'm on my second marriage and I met him at 18 1/2 and lost my virginity to him.
3:47
So because of some religious influencing was like my grandma said, if we get married, God will absolve me of this sin.So that's that's what we have to do.I was kind of one of those people that was like, yeah, I don't know.I don't think my childhood really affected me that much because I outwardly looked very differently than my brothers.
4:07
The coping mechanisms that we chose were very different.But I was the golden child of my family.So I knew how to achieve or love and to basically make all of the right decisions, but for all of the wrong reasons, and just had no idea that so many of these behavior patterns that I was repeating for my family were so toxic and so unhealthy.
4:34
In fact, my intimate partnerships have been the single most learning tools for me because I see more of myself in those relationships, at least the shadow parts of me.The parts that are hard to look at, I can see them easier in those relationships.
4:53
What were some of the coping mechanisms that you were using then?You said you're coping was different than other members of your family who went through the same thing.They were abusing drugs and that started really young and I was terrified that I was going to end up like my parents.
5:09
So I didn't make those choices.I would say achievement was probably my #1 coping mechanism.I like just looking for another goal to accomplish, and I think I was just trying to prove to myself that I was different than them.But I was really motivated by spite because in a toxic family system, the level of toxicity that was present in every member of my family, there was just a lot of pitting US against each other.
5:39
And a lot of it was really bizarre.And then also being raised in a really good private foster care system that gave really good education to foster kids.I was going to be the shining star of this family.
5:54
I mean, and, you know, check, check, check did it all.But like, where does that actually leave you in terms of fulfillment?Yeah.So that sounds, at least from the outside, like a really good way to navigate the very difficult relationships that you'd had in your family.
6:12
It's better than drugs for sure.But I mean, I didn't have any real sense of identity except for not like them, you know what I mean?And I didn't have any real way of feeling worth or value intrinsically.Accomplishment was the only way for me to feel worth or value.
6:31
And it was so fleeting.Every accomplishment, you know, you felt it for like a second and then, OK, what's next?I'm not enough.I'm not doing enough.So let's Fast forward here.And how did all this come together as kind of a stimulus for what you're doing now?
6:47
Well, I reached a point like a pinnacle of a mental health crisis because I still didn't have real tools and I would call it burnout in every area of my life.Didn't want to be a mom, didn't want to be a wife, didn't want to be an employee.
7:02
Because I didn't see any way out of the really harmful narratives that were just screaming at me inside of my head.And I had to really learn how to quiet all of that noise and understand that this was just programming that I received in childhood and from even greater society at large about what women should and shouldn't be in this world and how a wife acts and how a mother acts.
7:25
And really just couldn't find solid budding.I was really, really unwell, and so if I wanted to get better, I had to figure out a different way of living.And it started really slow just with learning how to get into a flow state by doing creative projects, things like that.
7:43
But then I quit my job and started my podcast.I met somebody who told me about a book called The Finding Peace Workbook.It broke Shane down into different archaeotypes and it helped you externalize this voice so that you understand this isn't just negative self talk, this is programming and that each of these different archaeotypes protect you or they're trying to protect you from a different part of your pain.
8:12
How this really helped my relationships, all of them, but particularly in my marriage was I was just living every minute of every day in when I say survival mode in protective, I'm bracing for impact all of the time.
8:28
And with clients, I say it's we're running from the bear and there's not any time for feelings when we're running from the bear.But I found myself to be, like most of us, so avoidant of pain because I, like so many others, was so afraid that it was going to feel as bad as it did first time.
8:50
I felt betrayed or neglected or rejected or abandoned.And I found too, that I was feeling betrayed and neglected every single day over the smallest little things because these were wounds that I hadn't really understood or learned how to heal.
9:09
So that was the hugest problem in my marriage.I was like, you didn't take my opinion and you listen to their opinion, which felt like it'd be ultimate betrayal.But I had to learn like, oh, honey, you're getting worth and value from when your spouse takes your opinion over someone else's.
9:28
But also, just because it feels like betrayal and that's what's coming up doesn't mean this person is betraying you.Quiet the noise.Like that's what I teach others now is quiet that noise because it was so loud and it was very hopeless.I was a reactive person to everyone in my family.
9:46
I would freeze or fawn in conflict, but then I'd come home and I'd just take every ounce of it out on my family.I just had no bandwidth left because I was relying on the finite amount of self-control and discipline that I had to be like, Melissa, we don't do that.
10:03
But I had no tools to not do that.So I was just very reactive all of the time.And so I learned how to quiet the noise and actually experience feelings instead of intellectualize every single thing that was happening or had happened in my entire life.I could sit and analyze myself all day, every day and not act any differently, and I was just covered in shame for my reactivity.
10:25
I really internalized that and believed myself to be just a mean person and had no idea how to change that.And so once I got that under control, I felt really passionate about starting my own practice and helping others heal.
10:41
So it sounds to me like a lot of what you were experiencing in your own personal life as an adult came from those adverse childhood experiences or what's called Aces.Are you familiar with that?And would you agree?Oh, 100%.
10:58
Like because I again, I made all the right choices for all the wrong reasons.So my adult life was fine.Like it on paper, everything was fine.I was struggling internally from all of that trauma.Yeah.Can you explain what Aces are to our audience members who may not know and explain how research shows that they can then impact adult life and especially adult?
11:22
Relationships.Yeah.So ACES stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences, and it was put together to create a scale of how much trauma a person had received and hopefully to understand what that level of trauma's impact would be.
11:41
It's just a questionnaire and you get a score of zero to 10.And I had the highest score possible because it's questions like, have you been physically abused?Have you been sexually abused?Have you experienced emotional abuse?Have you had a parent incarcerated?
11:58
Have you had a sibling incarcerated?It's supposed to allow you to have a good understanding of the level of trauma and thereby how to either treat this person as a they're based or as an educator.
12:13
Maybe you would have a a heightened awareness of how to best interact with this child.So tell me how high scores on Aces impacts marriage relationships or other intimate relationships?Anybody who has experienced a complex level of trauma, they are going to spend their entire life trying to protect themselves and everything they do will come from that lens.
12:41
They have a belief that they are too much and not enough.At their core, they are fundamentally unlovable, and they have the weight of the world on their shoulders and no one to help carry.What we know about neuroscience is about confirmation bias.
13:00
So they're programmed to believe those narratives, and then they will spend their entire life confirming because that's the way our brains were.And that's ultimately what I was doing, was confirming all of my negativity bias.I still unravel that.
13:15
So it sounds to me like it would show up as a real challenge in a marriage when?You're.When you're constantly looking at yourself through a lens, through a childhood lens, those formidable years when you're a child and there was nothing but chaos and trauma and now the rest of your life, there's this lens that that's you look at every situation with an intimate person, a spouse, through that lens.
13:44
That can be, I would think, a big challenge.Exhausting for you and your spouse, probably.That is a good word.Yeah, exhausting is right because first of all, I did pick.Well, both of the men that I've married are exactly opposite.
14:00
They had stable families.I mean, every family has its thing.But like, in comparison, way different.Quiet, calm.But when you call me from something so chaotic, calm does not feel safe.And so you will create chaos within the environment to replicate what your nervous system is used to.
14:21
So that's just one subset of problems, but another is this wound that was just really wide open for me.I desired to feel special and chosen.And what I know now is neither of those men.
14:37
I mean, I'm still married to my side husband, but neither of them could have done anything to have helped me to feel that no matter what they have done, I did not receive any of it because I had a core belief I loved them.
14:55
I loved everyone far more than they loved and that I was on the periphery of every one of my relationships, even my intimate ones.There was some I'm, I'm just not good at this or I'm not good enough to have a whatever type of marriage I'm thinking is the perfect marriage.
15:14
Whatever it was.I took everything personally.Everything and I saw everything only from my vantage point.Like my current marriage.Nicest guy ever but I had two children with my first husband and then we have a child together.
15:31
When we had her we flexed our schedules because he was already self-employed at the time and I was able to go part time at the job that I had.We flexed our schedules because childcare just wasn't not working out for us.So it was a very, very stressful couple of years until we found the Mother's Day out.
15:52
In my world, I was the only one that was really stressed and even if I could accept that he had some stress, his experience was not as bad as mine.That was something that I struggled with in every area of my life, that it affects me more because I couldn't feel support from others.
16:12
Again, I'm confirming the narrative that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one helped me carry it in childhood.It was true.I had to learn to figure out every emotional developmental milestone on my own.Because even like with my grandma, my generation and older, every single one of us knows how to finish the sentence.
16:31
Stop crying or I'm going to give you something to cry about that has a lasting effect, whether people are acknowledging that or not.Or rub some dirt on it.Walk it off.Big girls don't cry.There's all kinds of things that were programmed to tell us what you're feeling is not important to me.
16:50
And so that was the lens that I was looking at everything through.So yeah, it's had a significant impact on my marriage.So how did you change those lenses?Then what?What did you do to gain insight, which is another of our four cornerstones?What did you do to gain the insight to start looking at things through a more neutral, real lens?
17:13
And more emotional, intelligent.Well.First of all, I had to learn how to experience the feelings.So I had to get out of my head and stop thinking, thinking, thinking about our problems and feel.And that is not easy and most of us don't know how to do it unless we're taught.
17:29
So when those feelings of betrayal or feelings of neglect or feelings of rejection came up, I felt them instead of allowing myself to pivot to anger with the racing thoughts about it and lasting for sometimes up to two weeks.
17:45
I ignored my husband for two weeks one time because he did something.I mean, what he did wasn't cool, but like, I gave him the silent treatment for two weeks because I was like, well, there's nothing else I can do.And I fought for fairness, so we got to equal the playing field here.So I gave him the silent treatment for two weeks.
18:01
But experiencing the feelings, just like, hey, honey, just because you're feeling this way doesn't mean that's the reality of the situation.And so I started to understand neuroscience better.And I understand that the way I view a situation is just me projecting, and then that's reflected back at me.
18:22
So I started to kind of test some theories and I was like, OK, so if that's true, then we're just a mirror for each other.So if I'm mad at him about something, that has to be directly reflected and connected back to something that I'm mad at myself about.So I started with the stuff that I had assigned morality and emotion to, like him being a messy person or him being an unreliable person sometimes because he doesn't have a good memory or a good sense of time.
18:52
So to me, those really challenged my sense of safety.But I was like, OK, so if I want to quit being melodramatic about this and like I have a need because there are lots of therapists that would say she needs safety and stability and that's not a bad thing.
19:08
But I wanted to go deeper.I wanted to quit this surface level, what I need versus what I expect versus what you're able to give.Like, we're married and I want to try to get the most out of the marriage, not just like constant back and forth of you're not meeting my needs or great job, you're meeting my like, I have to meet my own needs.
19:30
So that's what I was trying to figure out.And so if I'm mad at him for making a mess and not cleaning it up, what am I actually upset with myself about?And I realized there was shame there because I couldn't keep up with the entire house all by myself.I would get mad at my children for certain things, but yeah, I never asked them to do anything about it.
19:51
And it all LED back to me because I was like, oh, right.I thought I was supposed to be a superhero and be able to do every ounce of housework by myself.That wasn't a conscious thought.Consciously, I would have said the exact opposite, but there was programming that I received that made me feel like I had to do it all alone again.
20:11
I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one helped me carry it.Then the unreliable thing.What am I actually upset with myself?Because I didn't feel like I could meet my own need.And I really dug into the not enough narrative and was like, honey, you are enough.
20:27
And when I started to meet my own needs, then I was able to look at things logically.OK, you know what?We can't rely on your memory.And that sucks sometimes, but you're not a bad person because of that.You're not unsafe.So what do we need?OK, we need a better family management system.
20:43
Like we need a shared calendar and with certain reminders.We look at these things logically instead of with all of this emotion.And again, I could understand why you would.I mean, he straight up forgot to pick our kid up from like a practice.Things like that happen.
20:59
I was really upset.But that doesn't mean all of the things I was feeling it like, you don't love me because you don't have a good memory.Is it frustrating?And did I have every right to own that frustration?Absolutely.But I took it 10 steps too far every single time.
21:16
So let let me see if I can tie this up here.First, the adverse childhood experiences in your life formed this lens at which you look at life at as an adult.And one of those lenses is that you react to things in other people that are reflection of really something in yourself that you aren't doing correctly, but you've learned these defense mechanisms to project on other people, when in reality, it's maybe deficiencies in your own character that you're most concerned about.
21:53
Is that correct?I think I probably would have characterized it as a defect in character, but I think it's just wounding that I felt responsible.But I think that I think more of us are in this place than not until we learn to heal that.
22:08
And then also you mentioned too, you learned what we call a different language, the language of emotional intelligence.You started to use I feel statement when you started feeling anger or disgust or betrayal or whatever it is.You started verbalizing these feelings instead of just reacting to them, right?
22:28
Yeah, but I think, I think I thought I was using I feel before, but on this deeper level of consciousness, I understood that every single thing that I experienced in this world, whether it is in my marriage or not, is about me.
22:44
Like my stuff's about me and his stuff's about him and their stuff's about them.And I think we're we're doing a lot more of that even when we're saying things like I feel.But you have to understand that that I part is where all of the feelings come from.
23:02
And we give it a lot more truth than I think is warranted until you understand how deep it really goes.If you're projecting deficiencies, character flaws of yourself on other people, that to me would seem like that's going to increase shame rather than decrease it right?
23:22
Because when you're back to oh, it really is my fault because of these things has happened in the past.Now that you're critically evaluating yourself and your behavior, your emotions, your feelings, and how it interacts with intimate partners, how do you avoid the shame, right.
23:40
Because ultimately, like you said, it comes back to what, what is the flaw in myself?And if you've grown up with shame, which it sounds like you have, that can be kind of difficult to not slide back into that shame way of thinking when you're critically assessing yourself.
23:56
Well, I think that as part of healing, the thing to do is start with them.And I learned to cultivate self love and compassion and doing that is how I even started to be able to have that type of compassion for my husband and everyone else around me.
24:13
When we can see the them and us and the US and them, it makes it a lot easier to see how people around you are doing the things that they do.So even when he does stuff that is actually quote UN quote, wrong or bad, toxic or unhealthy, I can understand how we got there because we're not talking about crazy toxicity here.
24:33
We're talking normal human stuff, never marriage stuff, normal man stuff, normal women stuff, and his normal.What can be normal in society can still have impact on me.But I can understand how it happens, or what his thought process might have been, or why he wasn't thinking about impact whenever he made a decision.
24:54
Because I do those things too.Are there any tools, any rituals, anything that helped you gain self love and compassion and helped you cultivate that?I would.Say parts work like internal family systems, doing work on inner child work to a process called revision, which is something that a lot of people talk about.
25:16
Going back to reimagining events and being a part of that history and memory and going back and telling my inner child like you were always special.Their behavior never had anything to do with you.You are chosen, You are great.
25:31
And rather than affirm things that I didn't really believe about myself, I learned to decree them and to decide right then and there this is what we're going to believe about ourselves and not entertain anything else.And so I really focused on loving myself and forgiving myself for every little version of me who made a lot of mistakes in a lot of different ways.
25:58
And now I understand accountability is not a cross of perfectionism.I'm still not like #1 wife.He's still the person I take every last thing out on, period.And it doesn't look the way that it did before.
26:14
And I would never give him the silent treatment.Now, I'm not perfect by any means in any of my relationships and particularly my marriage, but we have a deeper understanding.He knows why I do what I do and I know why he does what he does.And I don't think that the difference is that great because I can see as humans, why all of us do the things that we do.
26:37
And I also learned that love that I was cultivating within myself is the only love that actually exists.Everything else that we have within relationships, dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline, oxytocin, all of that's chemicals, That's not love.
26:52
Love is not any of those things.It is only what you cultivate within and share with others.They can share theirs with you and you can share yours with them.Anything outside of that is just a chemical response.So it sounds like your way of showing self love, you went back into your childhood and you rewrote the story that of you now being empowered, you're an empowered child.
27:19
Is that correct?Not totally.I would say I'm more forgave myself as a child then I wasn't perfect, that I wasn't strong enough to make people love me or feel like I should be doing that.
27:34
I think children, I think all of us.But if we're going to talk about trauma survivors, I think that we can really believe that so much of that happened because we weren't perfect or we weren't good enough or, you know, that it was somehow our fault.And so I think really just meeting the needs, being who I needed for me at that age.
27:57
OK, so it's less than you empowered yourself as a child, but more you forgave yourself for things that you did as a child that you perceived as being wrong or bad.Is that right?Things that happened to me in childhood, trauma survivors, you can be physically abused and believe that happened because you are bad.
28:20
So I had to forgive myself for being abused.Like, it's not even about as much forgiving the people who did it.Like you have to forgive yourself that you weren't able to stop it or that you weren't the superhero who could just punch him in the stomach and make it stop.You know, things like that, those childhood programmings and narratives, they don't go away just because you're a logical adult.
28:42
I wasn't thinking those in a very conscious place.I wouldn't have voiced to anyone that like, yeah, I needed to forgive myself for being abused.But when I did the work, that's what I realized is that I was ashamed that that happened to me because I should have done something different.
28:59
Couldn't identify what per SE, but yeah, then it was my fault that it happened.OK.That's very insightful.Great message for our listeners.There are not a lot of people that are 10 out of 10 on Aces, but a lot of people have a few adverse childhood experiences that if they look closely, they may see the stories that they're telling themselves about those experiences and reflecting how they perceive their partner.
29:27
If what you're saying, do you see that with your clients a lot as well?Well, the unfortunate part is we are going to be in relationships with people who really are kind of mirroring us.So even if it doesn't look the exact same on the outside, you know, like how a reverse mirror image looks like I'm wearing this ring on my left hand, but it looks like I'm wearing it on my right hand.
29:52
That's kind of how relationships are.And so when you believe things about yourself, especially the things that you're not even aware you believe about yourself, you're going to pick people who also believe those things about themselves.Maybe their behavior looks a little bit differently, but it's the same.
30:12
The motivators are same.The narratives deep down are the same.And So what happens then is maybe they are doing some things that are toxic, unhealthy, whatever.I mean, God knows my husband shouldn't have stayed with me during those years.I wasn't physically abusive, but I would classify myself as emotionally abusive and verbally abusive for sure.
30:32
Like, he shouldn't have married me.He shouldn't have stayed with me.You know, he didn't make a good choice either.But he did that because he feels the same way about himself, about so many different things.So in some ways, the things that we feel in these relationships are valid.
30:47
There are toxic behavior patterns.But yes, if I were to just say it really simply, I have these expectations.You're supposed to meet them.And we view expectations as needs.And The thing is, none of it is a need.It's all just what you have built up in your head.
31:05
Because again, we're running around loving in the way that we want to be loved, but we're not communicating that because we're not even aware of it a lot of the times.And what I found is we're creating social contracts within that loving in the way that we want to be loved.
31:21
And when I love you, then you're going to do it back.And now we have signed that in blood and you promised, even though you actually don't even know this conversation ever happened anywhere inside of my brain, subconscious, anything.And then when you don't do that ultimate betrayal, every single thing that you're going through is the ultimate betrayal.
31:40
It's so much deeper than communication issues and far more about the way you are perceiving your entire world, not just your partner, but really the way you're perceiving yourself.And I think that we believe that partners are supposed to meet needs for us.
31:58
And I just don't believe that anymore.I think you are supposed to meet your own needs, and partners are there for a lot of reasons, but it's not because you can't do this by yourself.You have to love yourself.You have to feel like you're competent and capable outside of them.
32:17
Are there things that he can do that I can't do?Yeah.He fixes our appliance.I mean, I have fixed a couple, but I don't want to.There's not anything within our relationship that I need him for.It is companionship, it's sharing this love that I've cultivated, it's raising a family, but it's not a need and my expectations don't mean anything.
32:40
And that's the other thing is like just learning how to not expect so much of everyone around me, including him.You've really tapped into a couple of our cornerstones here.First, identity.Being able to look at yourself, look at your past, look at your history and see with clear eyes who you are and what's going on.
33:00
And then also insight, being able to see what is my part here.Maybe it's not exactly how I thought it was.Maybe the way I'm perceiving things is being projected on my spouse and maybe I'm causing them some real pain and suffering.
33:18
So thank you for giving us a different viewpoint of a couple of those cornerstones.Yes, maybe like a radical view of ourselves, radical self responsibility or something like that.Yeah, and I love that.What I hear you saying is the answer is looking first at our self, cultivating love for our self, and getting resources when we need help doing that.
33:41
Absolutely.That's a great way to summarize that.And we teach here too on marriage IQ is that in order to have a scintillating marriage, it first requires a change in ourselves.And that's what you're saying?And yeah, that kind of resonates with our message, so.Any final messages that you'd like to give our listeners?
34:00
Parting words on how to overcome those adverse childhood experiences to thrive in marriage.I think I would reiterate what I've said about accountability is not like you hold yourself to a cross and beat yourself up and, you know, put every shame word that you possibly can and allow other people, you know, maybe even bully you a little bit.
34:20
Accountability is just the act of saying I want better, deserve better.And I don't mean like from a partner.I mean like, what do I want out of lice?We do have a purpose here.And so figure that out.How can I live within this purpose?But I deserve to live in existence full of love and compassion.
34:42
And the more you give those things to yourself, the more freely you are able to give them to everyone around you, but especially your spouse.And to just know that, like, wherever you are in your journey right now, you're already good enough.
34:58
You're already great exactly how you are.Like, you don't have to do all of these things to try to become something totally different.Maybe you need to unbecome a few things, I know I did.But you don't have to completely reinvent yourself.
35:14
I know that I used to feel like there was some like, well, when I'm healed or when I'm better or when I am XYZ person, I will be this.And I think the cold hard truth that I had to come to is, no matter what, I'm still going to sometimes yell at my kids no matter what.
35:34
I'm still going to be rude to my husband sometimes.No matter what, I'm still going to isolate or have a really hard time being vulnerable and saying how I'm feeling in real time no matter what.I'm going to be rude to friends sometimes, no matter what.
35:50
And that doesn't mean that I'm not still worthy of every ounce of love and belonging that I feel in any given moment.And you should.You're born with all of the worth and value that you're ever going to have.So if you don't believe those things, affirmations aren't going to help you because what are you affirming A lie that you're telling yourself?
36:12
So since I learned about invoking and decreeing, I would say that So start where you are and decide right here, right now, those things aren't going to be true about me.I decide they are true about me.And love yourself enough to want peace in your life, because you can't have peace in your marriage if you don't have it in your spirit.
36:31
So you're the only one who can fix that.That's really empowering.If we have some listeners who want to follow you somewhere, where they're, where can they find information about you and what you do?I am very active on Instagram at Melissa dot Hepner, but my first name's spelled weird because my parents thought they were cute.
36:48
MALISA and it's got my leak tree right there and it'll get you to my website, podcast, all the things.Wonderful.OK.Thanks so much for being here with us today.Thank you for joining with us today and for all of you listening.
37:04
We're grateful that you listened along and reach out to us if you have any questions.Make sure and look up Melissa.And we look forward to seeing you next week on another exciting episode of Marriage.IQ.
