Episode 16. The Art of Romance: Tips and Tricks for Keeping Intimacy Alive
Join us as we dive into the intricacies of romance in long-term relationships. Drawing from our personal experiences and professional backgrounds, we explore the significance of intentionally infusing romantic moments into relationships, emphasizing the creation and recreation of meaningful memories to strengthen emotional bonds. We also highlight the importance of balancing passion and friendship, nurturing shared interests, and fostering open communication, trust, and loyalty. With relatable anecdotes and insights, we encourage listeners to reflect on their own experiences and embrace the journey of continuously building and nurturing romantic relationships.
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Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast for the intelligence spouse. I'm Dr. Heidi Hastings. And I'm Dr. Heidi Hastings. We are two doctors, two researchers, two spouses, two lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose, to transform the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones, using intelligence mixed with a little voice.00:00:35
Welcome back to another exciting episode of Marriage IQ. All you intelligent lovers out there, we're honored that you're continuing to reach up toward a more scintillating life. Answer from last week's question, what is something? When we hear it, see it, and feel it, we want it, yet we don't know what to do with it. If we ever find it, it could be a lot of things, like my sanity or true love.00:01:03
Yeah. Ah, romance. Yes. So we had a listener who calls herself our number one fan that requested that we do this episode on romance. We thought it was such a great idea.00:01:18
So if you have any ideas that you'd like to have us consider doing an episode on, we invite you to throw us a message on Facebook or instagram or email us@Heidihastings.com. so we invite you to reach out and let us know what you're interested in hearing about. All right, so when we were married, Scott, do you remember this? The man who performed our marriage spoke of how vital fidelity is to having a strong and a successful marriage and a happy marriage. But what he said after that has stuck with us for our entire marriage.00:01:56
He encouraged us to stay faithful to each other throughout our marriage and encouraged us to live the law of romance. Do you remember that? He advised us not just to consider being romantic or try to think about being romantic, but rather to make it a law in our relationship, a priority that we must adhere to. I think as newlyweds, that sounded pretty exciting to start exploring what this might look like. Indeed, in those early days, it looked a lot like lighting candles by our bed and playing Vivaldi's four seasons or 1980s romantic music, like top 40 ballads.00:02:45
Yeah. But we were kind of a little bit into alternative, too. So probably a mix of both. But all of that worked well for us until in a moment of passion, one of our pillows was bumped a little bit too close to the candles and started our bed on fire. Do you remember that?00:03:03
Oh, yeah. Because we had that lacy stuff. Yeah, we had a can of people, I don't know what you call it anyway, so not too many people can say that they've actually had a bed burning with passion, but that's something that we can say. So during that time, we also bought this book called 1001 Ways to be romantic by Gregory Godek, and we tried to incorporate as many of those as we could into our relationship on a very, very limited budget. We were students at that time, getting ready to leave for grad school.00:03:37
I think I worked in the secretary in the or at the hospital, and you were working at the alumni house, right. Back in those days, I think you ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every night for dinner because you could eat them for free. It was free at the hospital. So Gregory Godak encouraged couples in his book to look beyond just the obligatory things, like chocolates, roses, romantic dinners, or a movie on special occasions, saying, those are fine in the beginning, but really, they don't keep the spark in a marriage. Or what we call the scintillation in a marriage for long term.00:04:17
Going up and beyond the obvious is what truly makes a difference in romantic marriages. So about five years into our marriage, in the midst of all the stress and strain of medical school, we're getting a little better at the shoestring budget romance. I especially remember a Valentine's day where Heidi planned with our two little girls. We traded babysitters with another couple long enough to go to an italian restaurant for dinner. Mm hmm.00:04:48
And I remember they gave me a rose. They gave. I can't imagine that we got anything very expensive. No, I don't think so. So we came home, we dressed up in togas.00:05:00
Yeah, I remember we got sheets for all of the family members, so bed sheets were togas with our girls. We made italian ice and watched the 1950s romantic comedy three coins in the fountain, one of my favorites, about three secretaries who go to Trevi Fountain in Rome to throw in coins in hopes of making their romantic dreams come true. We put the girls to bed and then focused on us. Heidi had painted a very crude yet cute picture of Venice, Italy, on our bathtub wall with my kindergarten like art skills, probably of washable paint. So we proceeded to have a romantic bath together.00:05:45
And then we went to our room to roleplay the sculpture of the David in Florence, Italy. Ooh. You can leave the rest up to your imagination. But I have to admit, once I started medical residency and was working up to 120 hours a week, a lot of our more frequent attempts at romance kind of disappeared. We had to be really intentional with the little things, like taking walks down to the rose garden by our home.00:06:16
Yeah, if we got things like that in a couple of times a week, we were really lucky. We didn't see much of each other during those three years. Right. It's normal for romance to ebb and flow in your relationship during different times of your life. But today we just hope to spark some ideas that will help you become intentional about being more romantic.00:06:38
Yeah, I love that we've both shared some of our favorite memories. And that's one really cool thing about romance, is you're able to take those events, those special things that you do together, and just bring them up over the years and still remember what it felt like to have that excitement and that closeness with each other. So that's really cool. So what is romance? Well, in Europe during the late 17 hundreds, there was an artistic movement called Sturm und Dreng Drong.00:07:09
I don't remember how to pronounce it, but it means storm and stress. And it really emphasized powerful emotions over intellectual reasoning. So the art that emerged during that period was really dark and emotional. You've probably seen in art galleries, these big paintings of landscapes or seascapes, that there's turbulence and there's a storm going on quite often. And the music that came out of that period also was often written, at least parts of it, in a minor key.00:07:43
So it evoked the emotion of there's stress and strife going on. And I think in our personal relationships, sometimes we have those same kind of turbulent emotions that. That pop up well after a while of this movement. And perhaps probably to introduce, this is my opinion, to introduce some balance to that emotional turmoil and turbulence during the sturm and drunk period, but still holding onto that emotional experience of it. In the early 18 hundreds, the romantic movement emerged.00:08:22
And the purpose of the romantic movement was to advocate for imagination, passion, beauty, love it, emotion, heroism, the celebration of the sublime and appreciation of and reverence for nature. They also really focused on individuality and insight. So this was really a whole change of thought that kind of came with the period of enlightenment and during this time. So, like, the early 18 hundreds, like 1800 to 1850 especially. And this era was especially great at evoking a sense of the past that was bigger than life.00:09:06
Yeah. And in looking back at the past, people wanted to be there. So art and literature and architecture, poetry, music were all influenced by the romantic movement. So just think like Mozart, Beethoven, Haydn, Emily Dickinson, Jane Austen, Monet, different artists, different writers, poets. William Wadsworth was one of the poets during that era, and he described that feeling as the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings.00:09:40
I love it, and I think that's really what describes romance best. I think that's a really good way of trying to describe it. Right. So as we translate the 18 hundreds, which a lot of us, especially women, probably have romanticized, with the likes of pride and prejudice and sense and sensibility, we compare that to our relationships in the 2020s. That same iterative relationship between storm and stress, on the one hand, and romance on the other hand, is everywhere around us.00:10:15
Right? It makes for great plots. Right? It does. And that just makes me think of korean dramas that our daughter introduced us to recently and Hallmark movies, which we love watching at our house during Christmas time.00:10:28
And even that iterative relationship between storm and stress and romance is present even in our own homes. So I just have to put in something here. The most romantic movie that I recall ever seeing is somewhere in time. Oh, yeah. And the music of that movie takes me back to our dating time.00:10:52
Because we used to listen to the music. Green truck. Right. Because I loved it so much. When I first saw that movie, I think I was eleven.00:11:01
Wow. And I decided from that point on, I am going to learn Rachmaninoff's 18th variation. Which you're still playing. Well, it took me a few years to get it down. And then the other, John Barry.00:11:15
Beautiful, moving, romantic. Yes. And he writes the scores for many movies that we love. That's my vote for number one. Okay, I think it was like in 1978 or 79 or 1980.00:11:30
I think maybe I was only ten then. It is on our bucket list to go there to Mackinac island someday and make relive the dream.00:11:41
So what can we learn about romance from Hallmark movies? Ooh, good question. All right, so we're gonna lay out the plot to just about every Hallmark movie right now. Okay, tell us what we can learn. So you need to excel in your field, whether you're a writer, artist, baker, being great at what you do and you love it so much, but it might force tough choices between romance and a career.00:12:10
That's number one. So if you excel in your field, then you're gonna find love? Is that what you're saying? Well, you have the paradox. Your career or this boyfriend.00:12:23
Well, probably boyfriend. Let's be honest. Okay. And then that boyfriend, typically in a hallmark movie, is someone wrong for you. Right.00:12:33
Ultimately, he is wrong for you. They're usually impatient, greedy, otherwise incompatible, leading to an inevitable breakup. Always the breakup. All right, so that's number two. Number three, big city to small town.00:12:51
You'll either revisit your small town roots or engage in a business deal that disrupts the town's charm. I think almost every hallmark movie we've watched starts out with an overview of a big city. You're right. That's probably true in a lot of. And then it moves to a small town.00:13:10
Moves to a small town. The seemingly effortless job. Your work trip should look like a vacation filled with visits to local spots and casual chats like with Santa or pediatrician. Yeah, why don't I get to do that when I'm on a business trip? Let's be honest.00:13:29
That's so funny. They always have business trips. What's our latest one that we like about the ladies? Business trip to Vietnam. This is funny because we do watch romance videos or movies sometimes because Scott is so good to appease me.00:13:43
He knows. Traveler's guide to love. He knows that's the way to keep me awake on a Friday night after a very early morning. So number five, romantic city stroll. Take a chilly walk down an empty street, showing off your sweater.00:13:59
Extra points if it's snowing or if you visit a Christmas tree lot. Yep. Number I think. Six. Encounter carolers.00:14:07
Discover a group of professional Christmas carolers while strolling in a quiet town. They should appear right on cue. That always brings romance. Eight, late night cocoa. Enjoy hot cocoa in the kitchen with someone significant or involved in your shady deal.00:14:24
Extra points if you also have Christmas cookies you made earlier. Together, no less, I'm sure. Nine, decorate a tree. Oh, yes, trim the Christmas tree. Especially if you're doing it with your love interests.00:14:40
Child.00:14:44
That's right. Because often he will have a child and no wife. Yeah, his wife. Yeah, his wife usually died. Yeah, not divorced.00:14:53
She died. It's like, oh, she needs a mother.00:15:00
All right, number ten, I think make a big gesture. Save the town with a grand act. Convince others to drop a bad deal or make a perfect gift. Consider giving up a great job to stay in the small town. Yes, always.00:15:16
I love this. Always. And then quick resolution. Resolve any minor misunderstandings within minutes.00:15:28
Love it. Well, what do you think about that? There you go. The recipe for romance right there. The recipe for an unintelligent marriage, maybe.00:15:38
Look, we all low marriage iq, low marriage. We all know what's gonna happen at the end of a Hallmark movie, right? Every single time. Why on earth do we continue watching? Like, why?00:15:55
This is big business. Yeah, yeah, we know what's gonna happen. We watch another one. Different context, different stories, same outcome. I do have to say, with the korean dramas, there's more suspense.00:16:08
I do not know what's going to happen. Maybe that's because we're only on our first one. Yeah, yeah. Predictable romantic so what part of these that just strikes a chord in our souls that we can't stop watching or for some people, they just can't stomach ever watching, I suppose. Right.00:16:28
Well, but they are really popular in big money makers. It strikes a chord among a lot of people. And I think that's what we're after. You can't really explain it, describe it, define it. But it's a feeling that you're after and you like it and it's enjoyable and it's fun.00:16:46
It's fun to see people getting together in the end and having their romantic moments. Absolutely. With that said, though, even those hallmark movies have storm and stress. They even have that storm and stress as part of their recipe. If there isn't some problem that comes up, then we lose interest and we turn it off.00:17:09
I think it's really that balance that helps, which tells me if we have storm and stress in our own relationships, intentionally putting in those romantic moments balances that and really ties us closer to each other. Oh, I heard intentionality, one of the four cornerstones. Yeah. So going back to our podcast, episode eight on love. So the reason I go back here is, again, love is something you cannot really define or describe.00:17:41
There's just no way. It creates a feeling, which then creates meaning. And it's kind of like a little bit like, you know, we went to a concerte nigh horn. Yeah. With our dog.00:17:56
Like, there's like 30 girls to every guy, I think, there. But I think, yeah. That experience of being there, I kept thinking, what if I was just watching this on tv at home? It would not be the same. No, exactly.00:18:08
Everything is the same except the emotion, the experience. Like, I'm there. There's this community power feeling. You can't describe it. You can't define it.00:18:17
That's what we're trying to get after here when we're looking at romance, is that kind of. That emotion. Yeah. That you experience yourself not just by watching it on tv. That's right.00:18:31
Right. You're there. You're experiencing it. So we long for days gone by, at least. I do like you do.00:18:39
You very much do. So. I like airplanes. I like aviation. You're a huge.00:18:47
I've always liked it. So I think about Pan am Airlines, back in the day when Pan am ruled the skies and it was this luxury experience. I long for that. You've never had that experience. Right.00:19:00
I know. And I wonder if maybe the reason that you long for it so much is when you see movies about that, it's combined with this emotional music. Right. Maybe like a Hallmark movie. Everything that builds up that feeling, that emotion, that.00:19:18
Right. The sensory experience. So. And we dream of cultures, of, you know, how it was 50 years ago, 100 years ago, 500 years ago, I don't know, in the fifties. Sometimes we paint an idyllic understanding of what life was then based upon.00:19:39
The black and white movies that I love. The old classics in the sixties, even some of the Doris day movies with rock Hudson love those. They make it look very idyllic. Yes. So let's share with our listeners some ideas for implementing real life romance into their relationship, rather than just watching other people having these romantic moments.00:20:03
Let's. So I'm always sensitive because several years in our marriage, we were on a really, really tight budget, and we had to be careful about what we did. And I don't want people to think that if you don't have money, you can't do some of the romantic things that are really important. And so I just wanted to throw out a couple of ideas for free or cheap things that you can do to intentionally infuse more romance. When we're talking romance, we're talking about part of intimacy.00:20:37
Infuse that into your marriage. Coming back to the inspiration of the art in the romantic era, let's focus on imagination, passion, beauty, emotion, heroism, celebration of the sublime appreciation of and reverence for nature and insight and individuality. So I think the more of our five senses that we can use, like sight, sound, taste, smell, touch, which is all mindfulness. Right. If we can together do things that are mindful, the more feeling or emotion emerges from whatever we're doing.00:21:22
I remember being on vacation one time near a pier, and we would run down to the pier every morning to watch the sunrise. Do you remember that? Yeah, I think that was in South Carolina. Charleston. Charleston, yeah.00:21:34
Stargazing just last week. We're about 30, 40 minutes from places that don't have light pollution, where it's a little darker. We took a drive north and just watched the sky out in the country. Got out of the car, just hugged each other, and looked at how vast the skies are. Finding a spot in the middle of nowhere, kind of like that.00:21:57
Crank the stereo and get out and dance a lot of times. Music that's used for scores of films like out of Africa or. Well, I talked about John Barry. He did somewhere in time. But there is a station on Pandora called John Barry station that has scores from these big epic movies.00:22:16
I think out of all the stations on Pandora, that's the listen to one. The most from our household. Yeah. Listen to a song and make up a story that goes to that. Another idea.00:22:30
A night in a foreign country, but at home. Like the example that we gave of our italian celebration of valentines. Doing anything in nature together, where were feeling the sensations and the visual beauty around us is really romantic. Yeah. Because remember, one of the elements that the romanticists were going for in the 18 hundreds was an appreciation of nature and a reverence for nature.00:22:57
We love going on picnics. That's a big one. We have a great picnic basket and we can either take a blanket or find a picnic table and just be outside eating together. It's definitely connecting, I think, because it's getting out of our rut at home and doing something different. Yeah.00:23:15
What is it about picnics that just make it so much more? No. Volunteering at a homeless shelter together. That was on a Hallmark movie. I'm sure it was.00:23:26
There is something kind of connecting about serving people together. And homeless shelters are really needing volunteers all the time, so that's a great one. Going to an art museum together. Most museums have at least one day a month that's free. Yeah.00:23:41
And so look on their websites and see when that is. Or an arboretum. Well, we talked about the kiss by Klimt in Vienna. Mine. That is the most romantic piece of art that I've seen.00:23:54
Do you have some romance ideas when the budget isn't so much an issue, so. Well, the budget's always going to be some sort of an issue, so we. Yeah, I think, again, getting back to that experience of going to a concert together, someone that we really like for travel, we love anywhere that we can sit on a beach, climb a mountainous, or be in nature. Absolutely. The most romantic trip we've taken so far was to New Zealand.00:24:26
I planned that one. You plan? Everyone, let's be real. So on the New Zealand.com website, they have put together little travel tours that you can do on your own. Like if you wanted to go to one for Lord of the Rings or something.00:24:42
Yeah. If you're a lord of the Rings fan or if you're like, into adventure hiking. Yeah. There's one for that. I chose the romance one, the pure romance.00:24:52
And so we got our airline tickets for almost free. They weren't totally free. If you do it right, you can sign up for, like we did for american airlines. I think they gave us like 80,000 points apiece. And then they had a sale.00:25:05
It was a fire sale for like $650 round trip to Auckland. And I was like, that's crazy. That's about half of what it normally is. At least half. So we used our points for that, basically almost free.00:25:19
Almost free. And then, so it wasn't as much as you might be thinking. So we boated through glowworm caves, watched the sunset over a field of sheep, took part in mud baths. That was fun. And we smelled for a long time.00:25:34
And sulfur springs. Over springs. Yep. And hiked and cycled, sailed and cruised. Went on the most amazing night walk in the tops of the redwood trees in Rotorua.00:25:47
Yeah, I remember that. And drove through these gorgeous mountains down there. When we did the podcast on intimacy, we talked about recreational intimacy. And I think most of these things really fit within recreational intimacy. Do you have any other ideas on those bigger types?00:26:07
Things? So, like, if somebody's not really into art and concerts or symphonies, could going to a football game be romantic? Absolutely. You get to define what is romantic and your partner, it's not going to be defined for you. So whatever creates that meaning of deeper connection and feelings of love and that you can feel real emotion by doing right, it moves you in a way.00:26:35
Do yoga together, go to the gym together. How about that? Well, one thing that I've noticed, though, is that specifically when we go do our marriage retreats, I insist on going to a hotel. I remember used to say, well, why? It costs money.00:26:52
We can just stay here. And the reason why is because it gets us out of our rut. If we stayed in our house, I know where my bed is. I know where my pillow is. I know where my desk is.00:27:06
I know where the bathroom is. I know where all these things are. If I get out of that, into a new place, it creates opportunities for me to create new, exciting memories, passionate, romantic memories. That's not in our house. Okay, that's fair.00:27:26
That's a plug for hotels. That's great. So Arthur Brooks is a Harvard professor who studied adult development for decades, one of my favorite topics. And he found that the happiest and healthiest people in their eighties had something in common. They didn't smoke, they didn't drink or they drank very little.00:27:51
They exercised and they stayed mentally active. And there were a few other things as well. But by far, the biggest predictor of happy and healthy adults was that they were in long term, stable romantic relationships. In fact, those that were happiest in their eighties were also happy in their relationships in the fifties. And so they were able to put parts of romance in their relationship for a couple of decades at least.00:28:23
The intelligence spouse will take note that's right. What made the relationships romantic was a great balance between passion and friendship, which is really interesting with friendship in the long run being more important than the passion. And some of them had no passion, only friendship. But he did say that those that were the best had a good mix of both. So they call this kind of romance for long term relationships companionate love or love that's based on friendship.00:28:59
It's characterized by deep affection and emotional intimacy. Like we've talked about, the deep affection would be what we would refer to as physical or sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, and that strong bond that goes beyond initial passion. So some of the keys that leads to long term romantic relationship are we are like friends that provide support for each other during both good times and bad times. And we really strive to create a nurturing environment. We're trustworthy and loyal.00:29:34
That's essential for secure attachment and resilient partnership. We develop shared interests. We have common hobbies and activities that strengthen our connections and enhance our mutual enjoyment together. They give us a lot of things to talk about. We have communication that's open and honest and vulnerable.00:29:57
While the passion might fade, compassionate love deepens over time as emotional bonds grow stronger and stronger. We don't get tired of our spouse. By focusing on friendship, it reduces the pressure to maintain that constant passion all the time, allowing partners to enjoy each other's company as well. So each relationship's unique and how each of us mix that passion and friendship is different for every couple. Yeah, but it does help us have those fulfilling long term romantic relationships.00:30:32
But wait. What if I'm not a romantic person? What if my spouse isn't romantic? I guess you just go buy a bunch of Harlequin romance novels. Just kidding.00:30:44
So I guess, ask yourself some questions. What experiences in my life in the past have been so wonderful? I treasure those memories. We gave you a bunch of what we find memorable. Now it's time for you to do that.00:30:59
Is it hiking a mountain? Strolling through tulip fields? Going to a NASCAR race, motocross, Sturgis, Super bowl, whatever it is, come up with something. I have a very great memory of a football game with you. Yes, that was our first date.00:31:18
Then ask your spouse the same thing, what they find memorable and romantic. See if it comes close to matching what you have. If so, that's great. If not, get creative. Plan a date that includes a mashup of what you like and what your spouse likes.00:31:33
That sounds fun. Their memories. Romance creates meaning. Meaning creates romance. You and your spouse may not be so unromantic after all, it depends on how you look at it and what meaning you're willing to make of it.00:31:50
So this week, let's do that. Intentionally create or recreate a personal or shared idyllic memory to share and plan it. I love that homework. And think about what little things your spouse likes, and you might add that to it. I like airplanes.00:32:07
So Heidi may stop off at the airport for 20 minutes on her way to a romantic dinner. Or I might surprise her with her favorite flowers, tulips. Did you say I might stop off by myself? Or we might. No, stop with us on our way to.00:32:21
If you planned a romantic dinner, we stop and watch the airport. Let's go watch some airplanes land before we go to dinner. Remember when we used to do that in Kansas City? We'd put out the picnic basket right under the flight path. Yep.00:32:34
That was so fun. So. And this all brings back to our four cornerstones. Identity, intentionality. Insight.00:32:42
Intimacy. Ask yourself, what do I find romantic? You may be surprised. Plan and schedule in your day planner. That's being intentional.00:32:52
Just get that ball rolling. Insight. In what way can I change from this experience to become a better person? That will help all of us, I think, to ask ourselves that question and intimacy just naturally, organically grows out of all of this. Yes.00:33:08
That is really the focus of this whole idea of romance. Yeah. Well, we appreciate you joining us today, and it's been a great ride on this romantic journey together. Yes, have a great week. And remember, the intelligent spouse knows that to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage first requires a change in themselves.00:33:32
Thank you so much, all for tuning into marriage IQ. We hope today's episode has sparked some thoughts and brought you some valuable insights. Remember, the conversation doesn't end here. Stay curious, keep exploring, and we'll catch you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.
