Episode 47. Mind Games: How to Fix the Biases That Shape the Way You See Your Spouse
In this illuminating episode of Marriage iQ, we explore the hidden cognitive biases that shape our perceptions and behaviors in marriage. Dr. Heidi Hastings and Dr. Scott Hastings, two researchers and spouses, share their personal experience of miscommunication and frustration after a week apart, using it as a springboard to discuss six key biases that impact relationships.
Key Insights on Marital Biases:
Understanding implicit bias and its roots in our upbringing and experiences
Recognizing perceptual bias and how it influences our interpretation of our partner's actions
Identifying self-serving bias and its impact on conflict resolution
Exploring attribution bias and its role in assigning motives to our spouse's behavior
Examining confirmation bias and its effect on relationship satisfaction
Analyzing expectation bias and the importance of communicating relationship scripts
Why This Episode Matters:
Whether you're struggling with recurring conflicts or seeking to enhance your marital dynamics, this discussion offers valuable insights into the unconscious biases that may be affecting your relationship. By understanding these biases, couples can develop strategies to overcome them and foster a more harmonious partnership.
Join us as we debunk common myths about biases in marriage and provide practical tools for outsmarting your own thinking. Learn how to:
Develop self-awareness of your own biases
Challenge assumptions about your spouse
Cultivate positive attribution bias to strengthen your relationship
Balance optimism with reality in your perceptions of your partner
"Your brain is wired for bias, but that doesn't mean it has to control your relationship. The key to a smarter marriage is outsmarting your own thinking." - Dr. Heidi Hastings
This episode provides invaluable insights for couples at any stage of their relationship, offering a framework for understanding and addressing the cognitive biases that can impact marital satisfaction and longevity.
-
[00:00:01 - 00:01:25]
Hello lovers and welcome to another episode of Marriage iq. So I just spent a week out of town helping my family and on Monday I was so excited to see Scott at the airport. I had these Hallmark style airport reunion thoughts running through my head and I sent him this cute little text before I got on my flight. You know, all lovey dovey type. But when I landed there was no text back from him. And I thought, oh my gosh, what's going on? That's not like him. Is he mad at me? After later getting my bag and exiting the airport, I saw him drive up and jumped in the car while I was finishing up a really important phone call. Immediately I could feel this negative energy between us. It was like ice water on my heart. I was pretty mad about the vibes that he was sending out after me being gone for a whole week. We barely said a word to each other during that 30 minute drive home. Then we each went to our own offices after we'd had some time to cool down a little bit. Finally I was ready to talk. I suggested that first we snuggle up together and talk without the emotions. I asked him what he thought contributed to the distance between us. This is Scott's perspective.[00:01:26 - 00:02:53]
Well, I would like to say that I was excited to pick you up at the airport after being gone from you for a week. I wanted to make this very special. And I remember thinking, I want to put on Heidi's favorite cologne that she loved because I know every time we embrace she loves to smell fierce on me. I thought about getting some flowers on the way to the airport, but I thought, you know, I might be running short of time. I want to make sure I'm there on time. So that was my perspective on things. Until I got there and found that I could not find your gate because I never really received the gate information of where you were. So I parked the car twice and went into the terminal twice so I could wait for you and you didn't show up. And then finally a text saying that your luggage was way down the airport but you weren't sure. So I started driving and I found you not with you knowing or me knowing you. We just found each other and you're on the phone and still typing on the phone when you were in the car. And that was not what I expected.[00:02:55 - 00:04:21]
So with new understanding and compassion from hearing Scott's point of view and understanding why he was maybe a little miffed looking around and around for me, I shared what was going on from my perspective. I hadn't listened on the airplane when it landed to the announcement of where the bags would be because I was going on three hours of sleep. Then I couldn't find my flight on the arrival screen to figure out where my bag was and so went the wrong way. Eventually I ended up walking by 33 gates until I finally got my baggage and went out the terminal there. But because I was walking so far, I took a phone call to finalize some details for putting my parents into an assisted living facility. This was really an important phone call to me. I had not seen Scott's text asking where I was and I had forgotten that. All I told them was, it's not at gate four. Luckily, he was just pulling up just as I walked out from getting my bag. So I had zero context for his frustration. So eventually, understanding each other, we were able to look at things through different lenses and filled with love for each other, kind of talk through it and.[00:04:21 - 00:04:22]
Had a chance to talk it out.[00:04:22 - 00:04:40]
It all ended well. But why did we divulge a vulnerable moment in our marital distress to all of you, our listeners? Well, this story will act as a backdrop for all the rest of what we're going to talk about on this episode about marital biases.[00:04:40 - 00:04:41]
Yeah.[00:04:41 - 00:04:45]
So let's talk about just a few things before jumping in.[00:04:45 - 00:05:09]
All right. I want to bring up the point that you may have noticed that we here on Marriage IQ are pretty open. We don't always see things eye to eye. We sometimes disagree on points of discussion. Heidi has her expertise as a PhD. I am a medical physician. We have different perspectives. Sometimes we disagree.[00:05:09 - 00:05:17]
I'm a female, you're a male, I'm a male. Sometimes we disagree. Based on those gendered perspectives, you actually.[00:05:17 - 00:05:44]
Might have noticed this. We do this on purpose. We do this intentionally so that you can see that the most scintillating marriages are not perfect. Yes, we intentionally disagree sometimes. But Dr. Hastings, doesn't that look bad for your viewers and listeners? Sometimes you don't agree with each other and that kind of makes me feel uncomfortable or unsure of whom to believe or trust.[00:05:44 - 00:05:46]
That is a fair point.[00:05:46 - 00:06:57]
That's a fair point. And it's not easily answered by five second sound bites and soothing platitudes. If you're wondering why your relationship stinks, perhaps the way you interpret instruction from a counselor or marriage therapist is might be just one sided. Again, the scintillating marriages are not the perfect ones. They are not the fairy tale marriages. Although all scintillating marriages do have fairy tale moments interwoven in them, which brings us to the next point. Let's talk a little bit about experts. We both have doctorate level degrees. We may be considered experts in some way or another, but let me tell you, experts are wrong a lot. While we place a lot of emphasis on evidence based scientific research, on this podcast, we must pause for a moment and express the very real problem of research. The research that we hold and value so dearly. It's going to be wrong a lot.[00:06:57 - 00:06:59]
I am biased.[00:06:59 - 00:09:22]
Experts in the field of science, medicine, law, history, and yes, even marriage researchers are wrong a lot. When you consider all the scientific fields, only about 30 to 50% of published scientific studies across different disciplines can be successfully replicated. That means somebody else can take the same thing and replicate and get the same results. So it's less than half. So if we're marriage experts, then allow us to be honest, genuine, humble and vulnerable with you. True experts know that they are wrong a lot. Listeners, can you do us a favor? Let's all together interpret the word expert fundamentally different for the rest of our lives. I'm not suggesting that we dismiss experts in their field out of hand. Not at all. What I am saying is that experts are really good at looking at one problem through one perspective. Really well. What they struggle with is looking at the same problem through a different perspective. For example, in my field in medicine, somebody might have a heart condition called atrial fibrillation. They'll see a cardiologist who may prescribe a blood thinner so they don't have a stroke. But what happens if that person has an increased risk for falling and may have a head trauma? If they have a blood thinner that's going to cause a subdural hematoma? Cardiologists don't manage that. The neurologists do. And so it's important. As much as I appreciate and respect cardiologists for their field of expertise, in the field of medicine, there's a whole lot more we need to consider and not just our own narrow focus. Lastly, on this, before we jump in, we're not surface dwellers. In case you haven't noticed, we aren't fans of shiny veneers and false pretenses. Part of the reason why we don't improve our relationships is because we don't want to see our own weaknesses. If you want to dive deep, come dive in with us. But let's all check our reactions to ideas we find offensive at the door.[00:09:24 - 00:09:43]
So what if I told you that your brain is working against your marriage without you even realizing it? Today we're diving into surprising ways biases shape how you see your spouse and what you can do to outsmart those biases.[00:09:43 - 00:10:21]
Right. More specifically, we're going to talk about implicit bias, perceptual bias, self serving bias, attribution bias, confirmation bias, and expectation bias. We are using some landmark studies for research this time, so you might see that the research we're sharing is a little bit older. These are not always rigidly defined, these biases. There's a bit of overlapping and it's may be kind of messy, but we want to give you some general ideas and we thought it might be helpful to give you some metaphors and analogies to help you see more clearly what we're talking about.[00:10:22 - 00:12:49]
All right, so let's dive in with the first metaphor or the first analogy, and that is the default setting metaphor. This is how we're going to explain implicit bias to you. So when you get your new iPhone 16, it comes preset with default settings. And our brains work a lot like those smartphones. Those default settings shape how we use a cell phone. But in our brains, those default settings shape how we react in marriage. Those default settings are based on our personality type, our genetics, and probably even our family of origin. So let me give you an example. If someone grew up in a home where conflict was ever present, it was loud, it was hostile, they may make the assumption that all conflict is bad, even if their spouse just wants to have a healthy discussion where they share different viewpoints. So what's a solution to work with this kind of bias? With implicit bias, we don't even recognize that we're viewing things through those lenses of our past, of our identity. We just think we don't recognize how we may have stereotypes or preconceived ideas that come from those parts of our identity and parts of ourself. So what's the solution? We can just recognize that these default settings are part of who we are and work to reprogram them by intentionally choosing new ways to respond. Self awareness really helps with this. These biases develop over time, through experiences, through culture, through social conditioning, influencing how we perceive and interact with others. In marriage, implicit bias might lead a spouse to make assumptions that a certain household chore or or parenting responsibilities naturally fall on one partner based on how it was modeled in their family of origin, even if they consciously believe in equality. So, like, I might think that men are always supposed to take care of the car. Do I have some stereotypes there? Can I take the car into somebody?[00:12:49 - 00:12:54]
After 28 years of not working on our car, I'M surprised you have that bias.[00:12:55 - 00:12:56]
It's just one I just noticed.[00:12:56 - 00:13:00]
Car is what I do. I turn on the keys and I pull out of the driver. That's right.[00:13:01 - 00:13:06]
So how does implicit bias tie into our previously explained airport example?[00:13:06 - 00:13:23]
Here's my perspective on implicit bias. My wife should be so grateful that I dropped everything meetings, administrative duties, etc. To pick her up at the airport. Otherwise she'd be stranded. I'm such a great husband.[00:13:24 - 00:14:19]
Okay, here's my perspective. I have had an emotionally heavy trip, helping our daughter plan her wedding and helping my parents find an assisted living facility for them to move into. And to be honest, it's really, really hard to take care of things like bathing and toileting. A parent. My husband should be there to meet me with instant warmth and comfort because I did all the heavy lifting in our family this week. We just want to share with you a couple of studies that show what this bias looks like. Where this bias comes from so the social learning theory by Ben Dura from 1977 suggests that behaviors and emotional responses are learned from childhood models like parents or grandparents or teachers, and they really do shape our marital expectations.[00:14:19 - 00:15:06]
Amato at Booth in 2001 found that the family of origin experiences heavily influence marital conflict styles and relationship satisfaction. Let's move on to perceptual bias. This is the marriage glasses analogy. Imagine that every person wears invisible glasses shaped by their upbringing, past experiences, and beliefs. These glasses affect how they interpret or see their spouse's words, actions, and intentions. For example, one partner sees forgetting to text back as thoughtlessness or being mad, while the other sees it as simply being busy. The bias comes from how they've learned to interpret behaviors right?[00:15:06 - 00:15:15]
This isn't who they are. It isn't parting their identity, but it's the interpretation of the behaviors.[00:15:15 - 00:15:27]
So the solution to this Couples need to clean their lenses by checking their assumptions and asking clarifying questions. This is a lot like being curious.[00:15:27 - 00:15:28]
Yeah, that's a big part of it.[00:15:28 - 00:16:02]
Being curious, being insightful. This is different than implicit bias because this bias is based on behaviors and not fundamental attributes and values that are already baked into us. Some research for this bias by Fisk and Taylor in 1991 discussed what's called schemas, mental frameworks that shape how we perceive the world in marriage. These schemas cause partners to filter their spouse's actions through past experiences and beliefs.[00:16:02 - 00:16:30]
There's another study by Bradbury and Fincham from 1990, and they found that unhappy spouses tend to interpret neutral or even positive Behaviors negatively due to what John Gottman calls negative sentiment override. That's putting on those poop colored glasses. So how does this bias tie into our airport experience?[00:16:30 - 00:16:47]
Yes, our airport experience. I forgot to text back Heidi because she sent it at 4am of course I was sleeping then and I didn't think to text back because I thought she was on the flight and she wouldn't get it. So why do it?[00:16:47 - 00:17:15]
Because I might read it when my flight landed. On the other hand, I was telling myself stories about school got not texting me back based on fear that that week that we'd spent apart from each other was resulting in his love for me diminishing. I know that sounds pretty silly in hindsight, but perhaps this may have been linked to experiences from my previous marriage where I was unsure of that love.[00:17:15 - 00:17:17]
Yeah, I can see that.[00:17:18 - 00:17:35]
The next bias that we want to talk about, we're going to call the highlight reel versus the bloopers reel. And this is self serving bias. So we often judge ourselves by our best moments, which is the highlight reel.[00:17:35 - 00:17:35]
Yeah.[00:17:36 - 00:18:19]
But we judge our spouse by their mistakes, which are the blue purse. Here's an example. I was late because of traffic, but when you get home late, it's because you don't respect my time. This is self serving bias where we excuse our own flaws, but we blame the flaws of our spouse. This is different than perceptual bias because we're comparing our best behavior with our spouse's worst behavior. So what's the solution? Just try to assume the best in each other and flip that script. What if you gave them the same grace that you give yourself?[00:18:19 - 00:18:21]
What? The golden rule?[00:18:21 - 00:18:30]
That's right. So here's a study that teaches us about this kind of bias. The self serving bias by Miller and Ross from 1975.[00:18:30 - 00:18:32]
That's a long time ago.[00:18:32 - 00:18:43]
And they're the ones that introduced this idea where people attribute successes to internal factors. So like I'm hardworking but you're inconsiderate.[00:18:44 - 00:18:45]
Okay.[00:18:45 - 00:18:55]
There's another study by Neff and Carney from 2003 where they found that spouses that have self serving bias, which is really all of us.[00:18:55 - 00:18:55]
Yeah.[00:18:56 - 00:19:11]
Often struggle with conflict resolution because they excuse their own mistakes, they'll blame their partners. So if you've ever had a tough time with conflict between the two of you, maybe take a look at if this kind of self serving bias might be part of your narrative.[00:19:12 - 00:19:15]
So how does this tie back to our airport experience?[00:19:17 - 00:19:56]
So when I was on the phone when Scott drove up, I Felt like it was a very, very important phone call. Trying to work out the details with the assisted living center for my parents. And yet when Scott gets phone calls or texts from his patients while we're on dates, I get really frustrated that he can't wait for 20 or 30 minutes to call them or text them back. So that's like me seeing me being on the phone as important. But when he's on the phone, there's a problem with that. He's not paying attention to me, he's not valuing my relationship. And the same for him.[00:19:57 - 00:21:32]
So let's talk about the next one, the attribution bias. This gets a little bit more serious because they're starting to judge people now. And this is called the GPS mistake, which this was great for me because I am terrible at finding my way around town. We've lived here for 10 years and I still don't know which way is north. Imagine your spouse is like a GPS system. Sometimes they give the wrong directions, but that doesn't mean they're trying to get you lost. If your spouse forgets to take out the trash, do you say they don't care about me? Or could you say they're just human, they just forgot? With this type of bias, we see more of a negative intent instead of just seeing mistakes as human error. But we give strangers the benefit of the doubt in the same situation. What is the solution to this one? Pause and reframe, ask, what's another possible reason they did that? Or if a friend did this, would I react the same way? The attribution bias is different from self serving bias because now with attribution bias, we are assuming that our spouse's motive is done selfishly or with ill intent. We are judging our spouse's intent as being negative. Some research to support this from Heider in 1958.[00:21:32 - 00:21:33]
That's an old one.[00:21:33 - 00:21:55]
Attribution theory explains that people naturally try to interpret others behaviors, often assuming intentionality when mistakes happen. And Bradbury and Fincham in 1992 showed that distressed spouses make more negative attributions believing their partners mistakes reflect bad character rather than situational factors.[00:21:55 - 00:22:10]
That's a really interesting one, I think, because we need to look at ourselves. Am I feeling distressed right now? Is that what's causing me to see this through a negative light? And if so, what can I do to to adjust that and compensate for it?[00:22:11 - 00:22:30]
So how does this tie into our airport example? You might be wondering. I was trying to figure out where in the terminal my wife was. I even Went at two different entrances because she didn't respond to my texts. She must not care about me or my time. She is selfish and inconsiderate.[00:22:31 - 00:22:44]
That's painting me in a pretty darn picture. From my perspective, Scott was cold to me when I got in the car. Even after not seeing each other for a week, he is a really big jerk right now.[00:22:44 - 00:22:45]
Wow.[00:22:46 - 00:23:03]
But in reality, maybe your partner isn't selfish. Maybe they're just tired or frustrated. Beware. All the stories that you tell yourself about your spouse's actions will shape your entire marriage.[00:23:04 - 00:23:04]
Right.[00:23:05 - 00:23:12]
The next bias is confirmation bias. And we're going to call that the a mental courtroom.[00:23:12 - 00:23:13]
Right.[00:23:13 - 00:23:21]
Many couples operate like lawyers in a courtroom. They gather evidence for why they're right and their spouse is wrong.[00:23:21 - 00:23:22]
Right.[00:23:22 - 00:23:34]
For example, if you already think that your partner's lazy, you're only going to notice the times when they're sitting on the couch watching TV and not the times that they're going to work all day.[00:23:34 - 00:23:35]
Right?[00:23:35 - 00:23:49]
So, so here's a solution for this one. Try switching roles in your head. Instead of being the prosecutor, try being the defense attorney and look for evidence of their good intentions.[00:23:49 - 00:23:50]
Great idea.[00:23:51 - 00:24:29]
This is different than attribution bias because it requires us to come up with evidence to support why our spouse is lazy, rigid, et cetera, and ignore evidence to the contrary. Confirmation bias does work in really positive ways too. If you're gathering evidence or looking for the things that they're really good at, that is exactly what you will see. It turns out in research that happy spouses actually are looking for the good in each other. They're wearing those rose colored glasses and that's a huge psychological advantage when it comes to marriage.[00:24:29 - 00:24:31]
Yeah, that would make sense to me.[00:24:32 - 00:25:22]
Have you ever noticed that when you're speaking to a friend or somebody that's important, you really try to say things about your spouse to build them up and then you start to believe it. That's a really good example of positive confirmation bias. Have you ever exaggerated their strengths in your head? Hey, I gotta tell you, this is really good for your relationship to put on those rose colored glasses as often as you can. Now, with that said, you want to stay in realistic ground. Because if you're completely overlooking things that they're doing that are dangerous, you need to really take off those rose colored glasses and put on realistic glasses. But for most of the time, it can be a big benefit to see the good in our spouse.[00:25:22 - 00:25:28]
I think maybe some balance just knowing when to be realistic and when to be optimistic.[00:25:28 - 00:25:28]
Right.[00:25:28 - 00:25:31]
And knowing the difference is really emotionally intelligent.[00:25:32 - 00:25:52]
Right. So Nickerson from 1998 has some great research on this and describes confirmation bias where people seek information that supports their pre existing beliefs while they ignore contradictory evidence. So do we do that? Do we ignore the things that we don't want to see?[00:25:52 - 00:26:34]
And Gottman in 1999 found that couples stuck in negative sentiment override interpret even neutral behaviors as negative, reinforcing negative biases. So how does this bias fit into our airport example? Well, I remember Heidi was late picking me up from the trip to San Diego, the trip to Kansas City and the Atlanta trip. See, she doesn't care about me, but I forgot that she was on time or early for picking me up for the 12 other trips I got back from. You see how that's a problem?[00:26:34 - 00:26:58]
Yeah. Yeah. Well, for me, Scott picked up his phone last night on the first ring when a patient called and when a patient texted him during our date night. See, he doesn't value our relationship. But I forgot to think about the 15 other times on date nights when he has let it go to voicemail or hasn't responded to the text right away.[00:26:59 - 00:28:28]
So let's talk about the last bias today. The Disney princess bias or AKA expectation bias. The Disney princess always lives happily ever after, Right? Everyone enters a marriage with an invisible script of what a good spouse should do. The problem? Your spouse never got a copy of your script. Go Back to episode 37, Understanding Happily Ever after. That talks more about expectations. So an example of this. A good husband should always plan romantic dates. The if that's your script, you'll feel hurt when he doesn't. But maybe he expresses love in different ways. Solution? Communicate expectations openly instead of assuming your spouse knows the script absolutely. This is different than confirmation bias in that we have a fundamental expectation of how our spouse is supposed to be instead of reacting to how they really are. Research support for this. Fletcher and Thomas in 2000 studied relationship belief systems showing that unrealistic expectations lead to disappointments and conflict. Houston and Houts in 98 found that couples who hold rigid scripts about marriage often struggle with adaptability which affects long term satisfaction.[00:28:29 - 00:29:16]
How does this fit into our airport example? I expected Scott to not only respond to my flirty text before getting on my flight with sweet nothings and his self designed bitmoji of himself. And this is really true. With a pierced nose and an oxygen tank on, you'll have to see his Bitmoji to make me feel loved. But I also expected him to be waiting for me at the curb with a big bouquet of flowers, my favorite cologne fierce, emanating from his black fitted and sexy suit, the bedroom jazz Spotify station playing in the car and candles and everything set up for a passionate lovemaking session when we got home.[00:29:17 - 00:30:07]
Well, all right. I expected Heidi to be breathlessly anticipating my presence as she whisked through the airport terminal doors and thousands of fellow travelers stop what they're doing to cheer and welcome my honey home while rose petals fall from the ceiling and the theme song from Titanic plays throughout the entirety of the Dallas Fort Worth airport. And then I scoop her up into my arms and spin her around, of course, dressed in my tailored black tuxedo and she and her ball gown as we embrace each other in a long passionate kiss. Not to mention the stretch limo with the built in Jacuzzi waiting for us outside with a red carpet, of course. Okay, it was Ikea.[00:30:08 - 00:30:16]
There is no chance whatsoever for a win on that day.[00:30:16 - 00:30:22]
Was steered. It's a little embellished. Had fun. I can see that we both had.[00:30:22 - 00:30:29]
Expectations and they weren't that for they were very biased. So how did we get so upset with each other?[00:30:30 - 00:31:31]
Well, this is. This is a point to stop and really look at this whole thing and learn from it. Learn what we can do. Learn about all these biases where we do a little Myth busting Okay, are you ready? Here are our top five myths to bust about biases in marriage. Number one if you're in a good marriage, biases don't matter. False why? Even happy couples still experience cognitive biases, but they often work in their favor. Positive bias can help marriages thrive when spouses see each other in a slightly more positive light than reality. It strengthens commitment and satisfaction. However, even in good marriages, negative biases can still creep in, especially under stress. So the bottom line? Every couple has biases. It's how they manage them that determines marital success.[00:31:31 - 00:32:16]
Myth number two Confirmation bias is the biggest reason marriages fail. Well, this is partially true, but not completely. Why? Confirmation bias makes people notice what supports their beliefs and ignore what contradicts their beliefs. In distressed marriages, partners seek proof that their spouse is inconsiderate, lazy, selfish, and loving. Marriage failure is multifaceted. It's not really just from one reason. Attachment issues, unresolved trauma, and poor conflict resolution all play roles in that. So confirmation bias worsens existing problems, but it's not really the sole reason why marriages fail.[00:32:17 - 00:32:51]
Number three Men and women have different biases in marriage. Verdict Mostly true. Why? Differences in cognitive biases exist but are influenced more by Socialization than biology. Research shows men tend to have a self serving bias in conflict. For example, I was late because of work, but she was late because she's irresponsible. Women, especially in traditional gender role marriages, are more likely to experience benevolent bias where they excuse their husband's bad behavior but hold themselves to a higher standard.[00:32:51 - 00:32:52]
Isn't that fascinating?[00:32:53 - 00:33:00]
Well, bottom line biases are shaped by social roles and expectations, not just gender itself.[00:33:00 - 00:33:48]
All right, so myth number four. If you assume the best about your spouse, bias isn't a problem. Is that true? Nope, that's false. Why? Well, positive biases like idealizing our spouse can boost happiness. It must be balanced with reality. Toxic optimism can lead people to overlook serious red flags like emotional neglect, financial irresponsibility, or even infidelity. Healthy relationships require accurate perception combined with some grace, not just assuming the best in them. So the bottom line is a little Positive bias is healthy, but blind optimism can be dangerous.[00:33:49 - 00:34:29]
Number five, biases in marriages can't be changed. They're just part of how we think. False. Why? While biases may be deeply ingrained, they can be rewired through awareness and intentional practice. Cognitive behavioral interventions show that couples can learn to reframe negative biases and improve communication. Godman suggests that shifting perspective from blame to curiosity strengthens marriages. The bottom line biases are automatic, but couples can actively reshape them through self awareness and effort. That sounds like insight.[00:34:30 - 00:34:30]
Insight.[00:34:30 - 00:35:37]
You can most certainly enjoy a scintillating marriage by just being a tad bit positively biased toward your spouse. Don't go overboard on this, but put on those rose colored glasses frequently and intentionally to show your spouse and yourself how awesome they really are. Doing so doesn't mean that you now become ignorant of their flaws. It just means you now become intentionally aware of their strengths. So let's bring this back to the four cornerstones today. Heidi. Identity. Let's talk about what biases did I start with? We all have them. Intentionality. You and I are becoming a more intelligent spouse by knowing these different types of biases that we learned about today. Being aware of them, that gives you power over your life to make these changes. Insight. Going from blame to curiosity is fabulous. And intimacy. Being together with your spouse in these intimate, vulnerable moments increases that emotional connection.[00:35:38 - 00:36:26]
And just snuggling up in bed and tuning down the emotional parts of ourselves helps us to be more intimate. So what can I do this week as an individual? And what can we do as a couple because of what we've learned today? First, ask yourself, where do I see these biases showing up in my own marriage, in my own self, how can I challenge my assumptions about my spouse? That's insight. Both of those are insight, right? Using positive attribution bias, catch yourself when you're looking for what your spouse does wrong and instead intentionally look for what they do right. Then notice if you're feeling more positive about your marriage. That's insight.[00:36:27 - 00:36:39]
So, one final thought. Your brain is wired for bias, but that doesn't mean it has to control your relationship. The key to a smarter marriage is outsmarting your own thinking.[00:36:39 - 00:36:59]
That's right. So if you love this episode, would you do us a favor and share it with a friend who needs to hear it or a spouse? And don't forget to leave us a review. It helps us keep bringing marriage IQ insights every week. Until then, everybody have a great week.[00:36:59 - 00:36:59]
Bye.
