Episode 54. Riding the Hormone Wave: Understanding Her Cycle, Deepening Your Connection

May 13

Your Relationship Isn’t Stuck—It Might Just Be Hormonal

As a researcher and educator studying couples' dynamics, I've observed that understanding the female hormone cycle can significantly impact relationship satisfaction and longevity. Recently, I had the opportunity to speak with Shara Jackson Harper, a mental health therapist specializing in women's issues and hormone cycle awareness, about this crucial topic.

The Four Phases of the Female Hormone Cycle

Shara explained that the female hormone cycle, typically lasting 28 days, consists of four distinct phases:

1. Menstrual Phase: This is characterized by low hormone levels, leading to an inward-focused, intuitive cognitive state.
2. Follicular Phase: Energy rises, making it an ideal time for starting new projects and having clear conversations.
3. Ovulatory Phase: Peak fertility and energy levels occur, often accompanied by feelings of confidence and empowerment.
4. Luteal Phase: A slowdown period where the body prepares for the next cycle, often associated with problem-solving and potential irritability.

Impact on Relationships

Understanding these phases can significantly enhance communication and intimacy in relationships. For instance:

When we're talking about estrogen during the follicular and ovulatory phases, this enhances verbal fluency and empathy.

Addressing Common Misunderstandings

One of the most prevalent misunderstandings in relationships stems from interpreting emotional withdrawal as rejection. Shara explains:

It's not “I'm mad at you,” it's “I have a 4% battery, and your voice is using 3.9%.”

Practical Strategies for Couples

1. Track mood and energy levels: This can help identify patterns and prepare for different phases of the cycle.
2. Create a "sexual menu": This can help couples navigate changing libido levels throughout the cycle and during postpartum periods.
3. Plan activities according to the cycle: For example, schedule more relaxing activities during the luteal phase and tackle challenging tasks during the follicular phase.
4. Develop rituals: Shara suggests creating simple rituals, like lighting a candle at the start of menstruation, to foster body awareness and self-care.

The Postpartum Period

It's crucial to note that the postpartum period brings its own set of hormonal challenges. Shara highlighted that:

1 in 5 birthers experience a postpartum mental health challenge. And 1 in 10 dads.

Empowering Perspective

Perhaps the most empowering takeaway from our conversation was Shara's perspective on embracing the cyclical nature of female hormones:

“My one takeaway would be acknowledging that the female experience is, ‘I'm not the same every day.’ And that's part of your humanity. That's okay. It's part of what makes you amazing, actually.”

This shift in mindset can transform how we approach relationships, work, and self-care.

Understanding the female hormone cycle is not about finding excuses or limitations. Instead, it's about recognizing and embracing the natural rhythms of the body to enhance communication, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction.

As you reflect on your own relationships, consider: How might a deeper understanding of hormonal cycles impact your communication and connection with your partner? What small steps can you take to align your relationship activities with these natural rhythms?

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Hello and welcome back, everyone. We're so glad that you chose to join us today for another exciting episode of Marriage iq. You know, we talk a lot about our identity and who we are, and what better way to find out more about our own selves than to learn about our hormones, right? Especially for women. Look, I. I don't want to get in trouble here.
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Watch out.
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I didn't get the manual on how to deal with monthly cycles before we got married. And that's just something I think every guy has to learn how to deal with as they carry on throughout their relationship. I think for women too, though, it is also a learning experience, right?
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Yeah.
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I've never menstruated before, but I would imagine as a menstruator, you still are learning about your cycle. And what better way to do that than to learn from someone who's been doing it for many years. Sarah Jackson Harper.
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Yeah, I'm really excited today to have Shara with us. She's a mental health therapist with a specialty in women's issues, hormone cycle awareness, and perinatal mental health. And just so you know, this is a very unique niche and we are getting some of the best information at the very same time that therapists across the country are getting very similar information. With over 10 years experience as a doula and a childbirth educator, Shara is the mother to five children. She brings a deeply embodied understanding of the transitions that shape identity, partnership, and well being. Her work combines evidence based tools that support women, couples and therapists and clinicians with navigating the complexity of both the brain and the body with compassion, humor, and truth telling. Shara is really funny. She's great. I think they'll love having her on here. Whether in therapy, in workshops that she's presenting, or on the stage as an expert, Shara speaks the language of transformation, which is my language too. She reminds people that they're not broken, they're just becoming. So, Shara, welcome to Marriage iq.
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Welcome.
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Thank you so much. Thanks. It's so good to be here. It's so good to be a part of your experience. I know you guys are on this change making adventure of inviting couples into new awareness.
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That's what we're trying to do. Yeah, got it. So, Shar, tell us a little bit about how you got started in this specific niche of not only therapy, but education.
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Absolutely. Thank you. So I've always been interested in helping people understand more about themselves, and that started a long time ago when I first became a doula. The work of a doula is Witnessing and supporting. And a big part of that is education, knowing more about what your body does to prepare for birth and after birth, during birth. Then I became an educator. I took several certifications. And then I morphed from there into realizing we just need to be talking about the hormone impact of all these different, different phases, particularly of women's lives, starting as pre teens, all the way to perimenopause, menopause. There's so many things happening and we don't talk about it. I, I was not told anything about any phases within a cyclical experience. It was, you're going to have a period. This is how you take care of it. And most of the people that I talk to when I ask, that's their same experience that we just really weren't given a lot of information. So I created a curriculum for menstruation education several years ago, and I started working with that. And then as I went to grad school, I really surprised that in our therapeutic training, there was never one lecture, one commentary, one article, nothing explaining like, hey, your clients with a uterus, they're going to come in with different experiences and their mental health is impacted by their hormone cycle, and their hormone cycle impacts their mental health. To me, this is a huge mess that I've discovered. And so I have workshops for women, for moms and daughters, and then also clinical trainings for therapists and helping people understand. For example, if you have a client come in and they are overwhelmed, want to leave their partner, feel completely scattered in their lives, I want to know where they are in their cycle, because I'm not going to diagnose with depression if you're starting your period tomorrow.
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Wow.
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I need more information.
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So, Scott, in your medical training, I know you definitely learned about some parts of the female menstrual cycle, but did you learn anything about these?
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You know, it's really interesting. There are no questions involved in making that diagnosis of depression that revolve around menstrual periods, although they do want you to have these symptoms for at least a few weeks. So hopefully that transcends a period, but no questions on that. And that is really odd, actually. Very strange. The guy. As a woman, we all deal with these changes throughout the month, and that's important to at least know as part of your identity as a woman anyway, right?
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Absolutely. So, you know, men have a hormone cycle too. It's 24 hours long. You start at the peak of your hormone cycle at the beginning of the day. You're very curious. You're ready to get things going, ready to start new projects. You have the work day. The western work day is literally mirrored with the male hormone cycle. So things start to wane about 3 to 5pm Western workday ends. Come home, have meal with your family, play with kids, have a good time with your partner, watch a movie, wind down. And then men experience the lowest part of their hormone cycle while they're sleeping and then start up and do the same the next day. Those kind of fluctuations are easier and less timec consuming to research because it's the same every day.
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Right. Interesting.
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And women grow up in a world where you're told to be the same every day. Many people pretend to be the same every day. People power through their lower parts of their hormone cycle. And I do think there's a new generation of girls that have access to more information. It will be interesting to see how that serves them well.
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That's very fascinating. Could you start by giving us an overview of the female hormone cycle then?
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Absolutely. So I'm going to use 28 days because that's what we usually see in research and it's the average. But we recognize some people have a 25 day cycle, 30 day cycle. Right. There's variation to all of this, so any numbers that I use are averages or just an easy way to conceptualize. So the 24 hour cycle that our male counterparts have is a circadian rhythm, matches the sun. The 28 day cycle is an infradian rhythm, matches the moon phases, also tidal waves. Mammal migration is an infraredian rhythm, pregnancy is an infraredian rhythm, and the menstrual cycle is an infrared rhythm. It lasts longer than 24 hours, it is predictable and has ups and downs. So that's the comparison there between infraredian and the circadian rhythms. For people with an infraredian hormone cycle, an estrogen based hormone cycle, there's several hormones involved, two main factors that as they flow up and down, are going to really impact the way that you experience your life. And so estrogen and progesterone are those two main ones. We also have a follicular stimulating hormone and oxytocin and other hormones of course, that impact our experience. But if we're talking about the hormone cycle, we can start with bleed week or the menstruation phase during that time. Those are really low hormone time. It's an inward time. You kind of have a more intuitive cognitive state. It's a time to slow down, it's a time for rest, it's a time to feel emotions because they are available to you in A different way for a lot of people. And then we move from the menstrual phase into the follicular phase. And so your body is then preparing to release an egg. And so energy rises. It's a great time to start new things.
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New.
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You are very goal oriented. Your capacity to have clear conversations is higher during your follicular phase. So we go from menstrual phase to follicular phase to then the ovulatory phase. This is peak fertility, peak estrogen, peak energy. People usually feel gorgeous and empowered and strong and confident. They feel like they can get things done. Orgasms are easier to achieve during the ovulatory phase. There's a lot of good things, a lot of fun things happening during this phase. And then we shift from the ovulatory phase to the luteal phase. The luteal phase is the longest phase of the cycle. So I do like to point out to people, you might feel different in early luteal from late luteal, but this is a slowdown. Things are happening differently for your body. If that egg wasn't fertilized, then your body's like, okay, we're just gonna slow everything right down. And it is a problem solving time. Your brain is oriented to solve problems, which. What does this look like for most people? It looks like irritability because you are looking for problems to solve. Who is often the problem? Your partner?
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Husband.
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Yeah, that is often.
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Right?
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That is a common experience for people.
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I don't have an excuse now.
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Yeah, right. And that's an interesting point too. Like, you have two different hormone rhythms. I do think a lot of men that I've talked to are like, yeah, I don't really do great with big conversations late at night. Right. Because those hormones have. And so how are we timing our conversations with couples? So back to the overview. We have the menstrual phase, the follicular phase, the ovulatory phase, and the luteal phase. Those two phases, the follicular and ovulatory phase, are higher energy and greater capacity to show up. When you feel like, oh, my best self, when I'm getting things done and I'm feeling great. We often experience that during the follicular and ovulatory phases. The luteal, especially late luteal. It's like my troll phase. I'm going to be frumpy. I'm not going to feel great. I'm absolutely more likely to be upset with things my kids do. Right. But if I know about it and I can Plan it. I can shift the way that I'm responding.
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So it sounds to me like you're advocating for being intentional.
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Absolutely.
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One of our four cornerstones that you're touching on. That's right. To be intentional. To learn about who you are, your identity as a woman and.
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Or as a partner or as a.
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As a man. But we're. We're talking mainly about women and. Yeah. And as men, too. To say, hey, okay, let's. Let's sit down and talk about this. Plan this.
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Yes.
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Like, let's not be planning huge financial decisions this time of the month or, you know, or whatever it is.
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Yeah.
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Or late at night or.
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Yeah.
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Or late at night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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And it's a little bit of a conversation flip from what we like here in media or maybe what culture has taught us to kind of make fun of. Oh, you're just on your cycle. Right. We're switching this to an honor. I honor that you're experiencing something different right now. How can I show up for you?
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So I. I want to maybe pause a moment. This is really important. You're right. We tend to just. Oh, you're menstruating. Oh, yeah. Okay. That explains it.
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Right?
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Well, it might explain part of it, but like you said, I think it's something to not be ashamed of. I think that's. Perhaps there's some messaging that's covertly sent or overtly.
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Absolutely.
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To women who are menstruating. That. Okay. There's something fundamentally wrong with me that I can't help. It happens every month. And they might be ashamed of this menstruation. And I think that what you're touching on there is so important that we acknowledge it. We don't ignore it. We acknowledge it, but then we use it to describe ourselves as someone with power.
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Yeah.
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And to look at it fundamentally differently. I think that's going to require you educating men.
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Right. 100.
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I think when you're talking about educating women, I think it's very important because a lot of people don't talk about it because it revolves around reproduction, and reproduction revolves around sex.
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Yep.
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And who wants to talk about sex with their kid? Like, it's just cringy. So we don't do it.
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Yeah.
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But I think for men, too, like, we need to really learn about this being empowering for a woman and to absolutely respect it with great, great, great respect.
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I think a lot of people would say, I don't really feel empowered in my cycle. I don't feel empowered when I'm on my bleed. Week. Right. And that's okay. I know there is a period positivity movement, which I really appreciate having more open conversations. This kind of shame and even stigma that you're bringing up, we do need to FL that script. And it's okay if you hate your period. It's okay if this is. Feels inconvenient to you. There's a difference between I'm a problem and this is something I have to manage that isn't my favorite time.
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And it's, I'm not a problem.
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I change. I am not the same every day.
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I feel like I'm not possessed.
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Yeah, right. I'm experiencing this, and I don't have to. And. And I do think people do come to a place of, I love my period. Great. I love my cycle. Great. Love that. What if we can just say, I'm going to love myself through my changes.
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I love that.
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And then we invite our partners in. Can you love me? Can you help me love myself? Can you be a part of my experience learning how to love my body in a new way? As I'm experiencing this differently? Because the hormone cycle impacts digestion, impacts libido, impacts energy levels, mood, mental health, cognitive functions. Your hair is different throughout the cycle. Your skin is different throughout the cycle. Like, we know this. People that have experienced, they're like, oh, yeah, that's true. But we're. But this is not a conversation. And so if our partners know, wow, I married this goddess that changes throughout the month. I get to experience this with her.
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That's beautiful. So how does the cycle then impact how we communicate with our. With our spouse? And how does it impact that emotional connection that we have with each other?
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Absolutely. Yeah. Oh, yes, absolutely. So the thing is, clinically speaking, when we're talking about estrogen during the follicular and ovulatory phases, this enhances verbal fluency and empathy. And I mentioned libido. So this is kind of like a magical sparkle phase. And then to contrast that, when we have rising progesterone and after ovulation, this increases sensitivity to stress and can lower our social tolerance, which is kind of the, like, please don't talk to me or I'll cry window of time. Right. And none of this is pathology. It's physiology. So if we're thinking about communication and we know, okay, this is my bleed week, so I'm a little more emotional, let's communicate with an increased level of empathy. And if there's something tricky that we really do need to deal with, let's put it on the docket for next week. Can we do that? Can we just save it so that I can be more present? My conflict resolution tip for the menstrual phase is avoid big discussions and problem solving. If you can just save them. Your big problems are not going away. Right. They're a part of your connection together. But this is a time for comfort and listening. And so how does that work for a partnership? And then when we move into the follicular phase, you know, this is an ideal time for really tackling those challenging topics because there you have a more constructive mindset. Your mind is geared towards planning and goal setting and building a connective experience to then be magical during the ovulatory. Like, everything kind of builds on itself. So my best communication approach for follicular is this is a good time for hard communication. Hard, hard topics. And then. And then ovulatory is a great time for, like, deep connection.
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Well, that's. That you're gonna be more receptive to. To sex, actually.
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Oh, absolutely.
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You know, with. Because you do have a little burst of testosterone in that. Yeah, that phase.
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So, yeah, this is empowering. So great.
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Yeah. Right. And for couples where libido is one of their trickiest, you know, like, higher or. Or lower desire partner coming together during the ovulatory phase can really melt some of the tension that those couples experience regularly. I do recommend, as far as, like, sex goes and having those conversations, and maybe you guys have talked about something like this before on other podcasts that you've done, but creating a sex menu, things that I'm curious about and would like to try, but only when I'm in the mood. Right. Things that I'm happy to anytime I would be happy for a foot massage anytime. Right. Things that. That I want to wait for. And I will say, like, there's sometimes, you know, sexual connection that. That a part one partner is like, hey, I'd like to try this. And the other partner is like, I'm not sure, but put it on your menu. And then during the ovulatory phase, a lot of people are very open to new things because you're feeling so different in your body.
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What a great idea.
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Yeah. We did talk about libidos a few episodes ago and how the high, low type thing is maybe defined incorrectly. And we jump into that about how women specifically may appear to be a lower desire partner, but it is very contextual and may have actually the same or in a lot of cases, higher sexual desire. They just don't recognize it.
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It doesn't Manifest very different.
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Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And so then I always recommend Emily Nagoski's book, come as you are, and you probably talked about that here, too. It's a great resource for all the humans. Yep.
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And I saw she just has a new one come together. Yes, it's in my Amazon shopping cart.
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Absolutely.
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That's great. Well, many people hear the word hormones and they think about PMS during your cycle or pregnancy, mood swings, which can be massive.
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Yeah.
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What are some of the lesser known ways that hormones can influence relational dynamics?
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Yeah. And so I'm going to point out a couple of hormones that make a difference that will impact your experience whether you're in that pregnancy phase of your life or other phases. But oxytocin is a really important hormone. It's a love hormone, the connection hormone. Right. And it helps us connect to our partners. The thing that's interesting about oxytocin is cortisol. When cortisol is high, it's difficult for oxytocin to be as present. Cortisol is our stress hormone. So, you know, there's research that just came out recently about parents and specifically mothers, and how much stress there is on moms these days to manage kids things and manage home things. And also if they're working outside of the home and it is to the work they're doing at home and. And kind of trying to figure out how to do that well. So, you know, good foreplay is cortisol management. Let's bring the stress levels down. Right. And so this isn't. These are other hormones that are involved in our experience. Another thing that I think is really interesting outside of. So PMS is premenstrual syndrome that a lot of people experience where they might feel crampy or really emotional or really low, really low feelings. A lot of people experience right before and kind of during the first part of their menstrual phase. And so that's a common thing. A lot of people experience it. So we talk about it. Right. But other parts of this are, you know, we don't really talk about how I feel amazing during the ovulatory phase. Like, no one's talking about it. And then you get through that phase, you do feel amazing, you get things done. And then the next week, what I've found personally, and when I talk to other women, then they shame themselves. I was on top of things last week. I felt amazing. I was getting things done. And now I feel like. I feel like I want to crawl in a cave. Right. And so I think what we're not talking about is the full phase experience, like the full four phase experience. We're mostly talking about pms like. Oh. Or pregnancy hormones. That's an interesting thing too because these are very big shifts as your body is creating a new human. And, and, and I think the biggest point for understanding the hormones is just that both people have a little bit more education so we can increase empathy and decrease the shame part. So that we're not saying, oh, it's just your hormones, we're saying, oh, I, I'm, I'm curious how I can support you as your hormones are changing today.
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Curiosity. See, I, I pick up on these, these buzzwords.
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Yeah.
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That's showing insight. If a husband is curious.
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Yeah.
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And wants to find out why his wife was on top of the world last week and feeling really moody this week. And it's not bipolar disorder, it's just, it's, it's being a woman. And I think for the men, just to be curious to ask, you know, I was just thinking during the, all the ludal phases I dealt with over the years, there was a lot of foot rubs. I'll just say that.
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Good.
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Lots and lots.
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Yeah.
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We did do an episode not too long ago on oxytocin and how one of the things we talked about was how physical touch can actually increase oxytocin, so.
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Oh, yes. And yeah, safe physical touch is. Oxytocin shows up.
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Yeah.
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Right.
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Drive down the cortisol through physical touch as well.
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Yeah.
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Oxytocin can bloom.
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Yes. And another piece that I was just thinking when you were talking about this curiosity and this insight is that, you know, the, the menstruating partner, the person with the estrogen based hormone cycle is experiencing something that's familiar to them but also can be very annoying. So if, if I'm acting in a way that, you know, is maybe hurtful to my partner or feels off, I also am kind of annoyed by it. Right. Like this experience of witnessing and being curious. And also for the person who's experiencing themselves, like, how can I be curious about this part of my experience? What's my body trying to tell me? Do I need to slow down? Do I need to say no to something? Do I need to cut something out? Is this too much for me right now? How do I take care of myself through this? And then partners, you know, equally, we want to say, like, how can I show up for you? What does that look like for you right now?
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So in other words, it means go.
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Get me some chocolate.
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So, yeah. In Other words, we, we both are standing back, we're looking at ourselves, we're having this insight, we're curious about ourselves. Yeah, that is huge. That's huge for successful relationships.
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Right, right.
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Is being curious finding out who am I really?
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So I am curious, how does the cycle change with menopause? Are there still any kinds of cycles or such?
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A good question. So I will start with just identifying that perimenopause is the shift between having a very typical predictable cycle to things kind of shifting over time until your menopause means I haven't had a period for 12 months. And then that's the new phase of your life, which no one talks about. So you're asking, do we have kind of a cyclical experience after menopause? And I would say, let's track mood. Let's track mood over three months and see if there is something predictable for you. Are you experiencing the progesterone estrogen shifts that you experienced your whole life before menopause? No. You're not experiencing those things in the same way, but maybe there is something that is repetitive for you that you could identify.
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So you're being intentional. You're like, hey, let's keep track of this.
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Yeah.
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So with that, some women end up having the best sex of their lives during that period and others, their libido completely disappears. Do you have any information on that or is there just not, you know, just individual that.
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Yeah, good point. I don't, I would. If someone came to me was like, this is my experience. And you're right, some people have like, menopause is the best sex ever. And other people, like, I don't know what to do. My body's really shifted. For people that are having that experience where their sex life isn't great after menopause, let's go see a provider. Let's see what we can notice. There's a lot of, a lot of support options that we can engage with. There's, you know, creams that could be helpful, there might be some hormone treatment that could be helpful. I'm not a provider, so I don't, I'm not really an expert on any of those things for sure. But I do recognize that people do have really different experiences. It's not a one way. Everyone in menopause doesn't experience menopause the same way.
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And we talked about that in our testosterone episode, how specifically for postmenopausal women, testosterone supplementation can help increase a lot of things. Desire, orgasm quality. Yeah, things like that.
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So, yeah, so what Are some of the most common misunderstandings or conflicts that you see couples having that are actually rooted in hormonal changes and in brain changes through the cycle?
[00:26:40 - 00:26:48]
Absolutely. So there's several. And one big one is this interpretation of emotional withdrawal as rejection.
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Ah, right.
[00:26:50 - 00:28:55]
So during the luteal phase or during the postpartum experience, for example, progesterone rises, energy drops, the brain becomes more sensitive to noise and also relational interactions. It's not, I'm mad at you, it's I have a 4% battery and your voice is using 3.9%. Right. And so if we can. If we can support couples in noticing this isn't about you and acknowledging like, this does impact you. Right. If my mood drops, this is going to impact the system. How can we build around that? And especially with, you know, a trackable cycle. If you. If we know next week I'm going to feel a little low. Let's plan some movie nights. Let's get my favorite comfort food and make it together. Let's go on a really chill walk instead of more intense things that are going to really drain that battery more. More than maybe typically. Right. So a big one is just emotionally interpreting that emotional withdrawal. Another one. And we've talked about this, but just as we've talked about libido. But for some, sometimes we interpret sexual interest as love. Right. So when testosterone or estrogen dips and there's. There's a different kind of desire response, there's like a mismatch between what's happening biologically and our perception of what this means. So, you know, if. If we're really sensitive to our partner's sexual interests, which most people are, we just. I think part of the challenge there is just communication. Hey, I've noticed my desire and sex has shifted a little bit right now. I just had a baby. Let's talk what you need and how I can support your needs. Let's talk about what I need right now. Again, we kind of go back to that curiosity, insight, and then communication. If we didn't see our parents talk about these kinds of things, it's just not normative to us. We don't really see it in the movies. And maybe we're not talking to our friends about it in the same way, but having open conversations about what is it that you need sexually and how can I show up for you, even if my experience is different right now, can make a really big difference.
[00:28:55 - 00:28:56]
That's so great.
[00:28:56 - 00:29:38]
But, Shara, it really sounds to me like learning to be a strong, flexible self this Is one thing that we teach about successful marriage, to be strong. Like this is what, this is my experience. Right. These are my values. This is what's happening to me. I feel comfortable in this. And yet also flexible to bring in and allow for what is your spouse saying, what is your husband thinking? And, and incorporating that. Still being strong to your own identity and to your own values and yet being flexible at both people doing that in a relationship.
[00:29:38 - 00:29:51]
Yeah. And I would say timing of those conversations is critical. It's probably not a good idea when someone is in their bleed week to be like, hey, can we talk about how your period impacts me? Like let's.
[00:29:51 - 00:29:52]
That won't be well received.
[00:29:52 - 00:30:32]
Some wisdom. Right. And so maybe during the, the follicular phase, so the week after bleed week be like, hey, I've noticed that some of the experiences that you have neurobiologically are kind of in play here in our relationship. Can you tell me more about how that impacts you? Right. Like ask the person who's experienced it, how does this impact you? And then come up with a game plan. Let's come up with a game plan so we can stay connected even when you are going to need to withdraw from me sometimes. And. And I'm going to come up with a game plan if I'm the non menstruating partner that I'm going to have some mantras for myself when she pushes me away during this phase. It's not about me.
[00:30:32 - 00:30:33]
I like that.
[00:30:33 - 00:30:35]
Yeah, that's great. Powerful.
[00:30:35 - 00:30:40]
Wow. This is really good. Good information.
[00:30:40 - 00:30:41]
You're great.
[00:30:41 - 00:30:42]
Yeah, it's exciting.
[00:30:42 - 00:30:52]
Any other ways that postpartum or any of the other parts of female cycles impact? Desire. Impact.
[00:30:53 - 00:31:37]
Yeah. Postpartum is interesting because we have a lot of factors going on. Right. We do have the big hormonal shifts, but also your body just went through this absolutely incredible and intense and painful experience. And so there might be some other elements, right. Like if you had a really intense birth and so there might be fear about is there going to be a new pain that I haven't experienced in our sexual relationship before and I feel over touched. I'm holding this baby all the time. I'm breastfeeding every three hours. You know, I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be physical. And so again that's when I would refer back to like the sexual menu. And maybe we make a new sexual menu for postpartum.
[00:31:37 - 00:31:38]
Yeah, right, right.
[00:31:38 - 00:31:55]
With new questions, new awareness, new sensitivity and a sense of like knowing this is temporary. And also as we talk about this, we're going to have a better experience than, like, every other generation who just didn't talk about it.
[00:31:55 - 00:32:04]
I wish I'd known this. Like, everyone says that. Right. I wish I know this, but, like, I think we just. I lived through kind of a little bit of a fog.
[00:32:04 - 00:32:04]
Yeah.
[00:32:04 - 00:32:09]
During our childbirthing experiences, like, because I didn't know. I didn't get a manual.
[00:32:09 - 00:32:11]
And you were in med school, too.
[00:32:11 - 00:32:16]
I didn't get a manual. I was in med school, but so much. But now I'm getting a manual today.
[00:32:16 - 00:32:16]
Yeah.
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But it's too late.
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So for those younger couples, this is going to be a really big deal.
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Yeah.
[00:32:22 - 00:32:33]
I remember we had three girls, and then with our son, and. And with the three girls, I wasn't much interested in sex, but with our son, apparently. You must get some burst.
[00:32:33 - 00:32:35]
Oh, when you were pregnant with Hunter. Yes.
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Yeah.
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That was a good time for a machine.
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Very different.
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Fun was had by all. Yes.
[00:32:40 - 00:32:46]
But after he was born, it was a very, very traumatic birth, and I.
[00:32:46 - 00:32:49]
Didn'T know it had gotten into you. I'm like, wow.
[00:32:49 - 00:33:00]
After he was born, I was like, I am leaking at every end, and I am just sick and tired of everybody wanting a piece of me. And.
[00:33:00 - 00:33:01]
Yeah.
[00:33:01 - 00:33:04]
So it. It shut down for a while.
[00:33:04 - 00:33:05]
Like a squirrel.
[00:33:05 - 00:33:11]
But, yeah, it's really very helpful for a spouse to know that. Right. That this isn't going to be forever.
[00:33:12 - 00:33:13]
I just saved up.
[00:33:13 - 00:33:15]
Yeah. Right.
[00:33:15 - 00:33:16]
For the winter.
[00:33:18 - 00:34:18]
Yes. Yeah. It's not going to be forever. And there's other ways that we can connect, that can build intimacy until it's time to engage in the ways that we love and miss. Right. During this time. The other thing I think is that culturally, we don't do very good supporting new parents postpartum. You know, people come home from the hospital, and it's like, okay, good luck. Right. And so I teach a postpartum class, and one of the things that's really important to me is tell me more about how you both work through really challenging things together as a preparation for baby. People are saying, like, what color is the baby's room? And what names are you thinking about? And when's the due date? And, you know, all these things that are also fun. They're great things. And 1 in 5 birthers experience a postpartum mental health challenge. And 1 in 10 dads. So how are we having.
[00:34:18 - 00:34:21]
I didn't think it was that high. You're saying, like, 20%?
[00:34:21 - 00:34:22]
Yes.
[00:34:22 - 00:34:41]
You know, in my research of sexual betrayal, a large number of the women, either right before having a baby or right after having a baby, learned of the betrayal of their spouse. And wow, that is traumatic. That's a traumatic thing. That. Just like, how do you have the capacity to.
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Right.
[00:34:42 - 00:34:45]
To. To navigate all of that?
[00:34:45 - 00:34:45]
Right.
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That's hard.
[00:34:46 - 00:34:47]
And to show up with all these new needs.
[00:34:47 - 00:35:08]
Well, in postpartum depression is. That's a big deal. Like, yeah, that. Again, I. I don't see a whole lot of it in my practice, but sure, it is a big deal. And I think it's important to touch on that because I think there's probably many women out there suffering that they don't, you know, there's not a whole lot of resources for them.
[00:35:09 - 00:36:34]
Yeah, we used to just say postpartum depression, and now we say perinatal mood and an disorders, and some places are even bumping it up to just say perinatal mental health challenges, because this can happen during pregnancy and during postpartum. And it's not just depression. We have ocd, which is very common. It's. It's thoughts, really, for most people. Sometimes it's more of a physical thing for ocd, but we have perinatal mental health challenges with ocd, depression, anxiety, sometimes ptsd, especially if they had a very intrusive or traumatic birth experience. And then the psychosis is so small, but that's the one that gets the attention. So this is what I see. Women are afraid to say, I had this thought that I might drop my baby. That is such a normal thought for a postpartum person. It does not mean you're going to hurt your baby, but it's your brain saying, we got to be extra careful here. Right, Right. And that's. That's a normative. That's not even a mental health thing that, like, you will have thoughts that feel a little scary to you. And if someone comes to me and says, I had this thought, it really scared me, I want them to know, you're going to be fine. We're going to get everything that you need here. The psychosis folks, the people who experience that which is very dangerous and very scary, they're not really scared. They're having these delusions and these hallucinations, and something outside of me is telling me to hurt my baby. That's a really different experience. But people hear the psychosis piece and then they're terrified to tell their provider.
[00:36:34 - 00:36:37]
I had a scary thought that they think that's them.
[00:36:37 - 00:36:38]
Yeah.
[00:36:38 - 00:36:38]
Yeah.
[00:36:38 - 00:36:39]
No, that makes sense.
[00:36:39 - 00:36:40]
Thanks for sharing that.
[00:36:40 - 00:36:41]
Yeah.
[00:36:41 - 00:36:52]
One thing that's been really interesting for me to think about. I've heard you talk about during parts of the cycle, energy and motivation levels fluctuate.
[00:36:52 - 00:36:53]
Absolutely.
[00:36:53 - 00:36:59]
Because of hormones. So what can couples do to stay connected when one partner's feeling really depleted?
[00:37:00 - 00:37:05]
Yeah. And this is huge. Honestly, it's huge to even know that.
[00:37:05 - 00:37:07]
That'S part of how I function.
[00:37:07 - 00:38:37]
But absolutely, yeah. Because I will have people that, if I'm, you know, giving a presentation or talking with them about it or even clients in session and they'll get kind of annoyed with me. Like, are you saying that I, you know, it's familiar because they've experienced it, but like, I can't be the same every day. And I'm like, you really can't. And I know you've been trying to for a long time. But Elisa Viti in her book in the Flow, talks about we need to kind of shift our, our productivity paradigm from a male centered productivity model. That's 24 hours. Right. To a female centered productivity model. So if I know that my mood and energy levels are shifting, I'm going to live my life or try to as best I can. Right. Depends on the phase of life we're in, what we're doing more in alignment with that. Right. So if I know that I'm going to have a low mood this week, right. Maybe I'm going to dress some more comfy clothes, maybe I'm going to bring my comfort food to the office. Maybe I'm going to say no to some things. If I know that this week is my high energy week, I'm going to get the stuff done. Right. I'm going to ask for the raise, I'm going to do the presentation, I'm going to sign up for the things, and in my partnership, we're going to be able to engage differently. So, you know, the more that the person who experiences the cycle can recognize their, their changes and then they can have the conversation with their partner. So I highly recommend tracking mood and energy levels for this question. Right. If you know, then you can have a conversation with your partner and be like, hey, I noticed this. And the partner will be like, yeah, I noticed it too. And be like, okay, how do we want to do this differently?
[00:38:38 - 00:38:44]
How do you navigate personally, your cycle?
[00:38:44 - 00:39:26]
Amazing. I love this question. And I will say everyone is going to figure out how to do this themselves differently. Right? Like, there's not one way, but a few things. One, I think it's a really good idea to create a ritual around your bleed week. Something small, but that says, hey, I'm with you body. Even if we hate that we have to manage bleeding. I understand that. I'm not asking you to love your period. I am asking you to love your body through something that you're experiencing. So, so really simple. I will light a candle the day I start my period, I will light a candle and I will have some red raspberry leaf tea, which is an herbal tea from red raspberry leaves that is very good for the uterus. Yes.
[00:39:26 - 00:39:30]
My mom and dad always had us drink that when it was our time of the month.
[00:39:31 - 00:41:11]
Your mom and dad knew so much. That's amazing. And then we always. We also use that at the end of pregnancy. Right? That's a good. It's a good uterine toner. So those are two very simple, very easy. Takes me no thought, no actual planning. And then I say no to a lot of things during my bleed week. I am not interested in wearing myself out trying to be the same every day anymore. And so I will slow down if I'm in an exercise routine that will be slower that day. If I'm engaging with my kids, knowing that I'm a little more sensitive to like noises and busyness, I'll just be like, hey, guess what? I'm on my period. Can we just like listen to this calm music for a little bit? Right? Or let's listen to this chill podcast together. Let's go on a little nature walk instead of a more high energy. And my friends know if, if there's something planned and I end up on my period that week, I'm texting and I'm like, I'm out, you guys. And they're like, shares on her period. And I'm not saying everyone needs to do it that way, but that's how I do it. I will say no to high energy things. If it's a low energy thing that's going to fuel me, well, I'll do that. Right? Here's one mistake that I make often during my ovulatory phase when I feel incredible and on top of things, I make a lot of plans for my life, which is not bad. But then I end up, you know, they might. It might show up when I'm on my bleed weekend that I then I might need to pull back or I just have to show up and I'll show up a little bit differently, right? We can't control everything. So for someone, you know, if you're working full time, I will say, did you know that Nike has a new policy for any uterus owners in their company that have periods, they get to, like, work from home or take a day off the first or second day of.
[00:41:12 - 00:41:17]
That's incredible. Back in ancient times, they used to go to the red tent. Right.
[00:41:19 - 00:41:20]
With their friends.
[00:41:20 - 00:41:21]
Now we.
[00:41:21 - 00:41:21]
Yes.
[00:41:22 - 00:41:23]
Got a power administration meeting.
[00:41:24 - 00:41:48]
Absolutely. So not everyone can do that with work, but what could you do? Right. And I kind of mentioned this earlier. Right. Wear comfy clothes, bring your comfort food. Maybe instead of going out to your. With your colleagues for lunch, you sit under a tree and listen to, like, a headspace meditation. Right. Engage with your body differently. And so that does mean that then I'm. I'm more ready to jump in to my higher energy phase because I have rested more.
[00:41:48 - 00:41:49]
That's great.
[00:41:49 - 00:41:51]
So that's a little bit about what I do.
[00:41:51 - 00:41:56]
You know, it makes me think. We talk about doing marriage retreats quarterly. We do them.
[00:41:56 - 00:41:56]
Yeah.
[00:41:56 - 00:42:05]
And we recommend them. But it's. If any of our listeners have tried that, it might be really important to schedule those during the ovulation week.
[00:42:06 - 00:42:09]
Yes, please do that. Yeah, absolutely.
[00:42:09 - 00:42:18]
That might have. That might have diminished some distress on occasion that we had with. With marriage retreat weekends.
[00:42:18 - 00:42:20]
Absolutely. I love that. Yeah, bring it in.
[00:42:20 - 00:43:13]
Look, this has really been helpful for me as a man, as a husband, just to. To hear these things and to be educated. And I'm. I'm a physician. Right. Like, I know about the menstrual cycle, but like, this new insight about sitting with my spouse, talking with her about being, you know, being intentional about certain times of the month and expectations, using insight, curiosity to find out what is your experience and sharing mine. This is my experience. And then coming together and making a game plan or all. All parts of that cycle and postpartum. Yeah, I think. Yeah. Very, very insightful for a lot of men to. To hear on.
[00:43:13 - 00:43:30]
I can't wait to get started on watching my own cycle, watching my own cycles of ups and downs and behaviors and energy, all of that. If you could give couples one key takeaway about the hormonal relationship connection, what would that be?
[00:43:30 - 00:43:41]
Yeah. My one takeaway would be acknowledging that the female experience is, I'm not the same every day. And that's part of your humanity.
[00:43:41 - 00:43:42]
That's okay.
[00:43:42 - 00:44:12]
It's okay. It's part of what makes you amazing, actually. You get to experience your life with several different lenses throughout the month. And if your partner is willing to be compassionate and curious and interested, they get to experience that with you. You. You know, the emotional impact of the cycle, we kind of shame it. But, like, how cool that you get to express yourself in a way that you don't always have access to throughout the month. So my key thing is I'm not the same every day and let's partner on that.
[00:44:13 - 00:44:42]
That's so that's just empowering. It's very empowering. I love that. Thank you for that perspective. So I'm sure a lot of our listeners will be interested in knowing where they can find more about some of the res you've talked about or your own resources. And in a moment I'll tell about the generosity of of you sharing some of those with us. But if they want more information about you, where can they find great you?
[00:44:42 - 00:44:48]
My website is growthinher seasons.com her seasons.
[00:44:48 - 00:44:49]
With an S on the end.
[00:44:49 - 00:44:49]
Yes.
[00:44:49 - 00:44:51]
Okay. Perfect dot com.
[00:44:51 - 00:45:08]
And you can find me on Instagram growth in her seasons as well. And if, if you go to my Instagram and then you click on my link tree then I have a whole section of free downloads including a 3 month tracker. I know a lot of people use apps and I think that's great. There's something about getting on paper and seeing these three months.
[00:45:08 - 00:45:09]
I agree.
[00:45:09 - 00:46:04]
More mental health oriented. So mood, depression, anxiety, self harm thoughts sometimes if we can track those, we can build around that, which is really great. I also have a book list. So books that I recommend. If people are into books, they can go straight there. All of them are Amazon linked and I kind of mentioned the Elisa Viti book in the Flow. I also love Maisie Hill's book Period Power. Those two are on the list. The other thing is I have some great little worksheets. I sent you guys a copy of a whole collection of them. But there's two that I have for couples that I. That is just what we talked about here broken down into two pages where we go through each phase of the cycle. Here I have tips for each phase, for communication, for intimacy, for conflict resolution. I do think it can feel complicated for people. It doesn't have to be complicated. Let's just start with the basics. How do we want to communicate together? How am I going to show up for you? How are we going to partnership in this fact that I am not the same every day?
[00:46:04 - 00:46:06]
I think it would be so awesome to print that out.
[00:46:06 - 00:46:07]
That's phenomenal.
[00:46:07 - 00:46:36]
And talk together as a couple about. About this resource. Sarah has been so gracious in sharing that with us and, and she's giving it to us in PDF format. We will post it on our website marriageiq.com and also she's sharing if you have daughters and you want to know how to navigate this strange news. Powerful part of our identity.
[00:46:36 - 00:46:37]
Yeah.
[00:46:37 - 00:46:40]
You can access the worksheet for that as well.
[00:46:40 - 00:46:43]
Yeah, there's a parenting worksheet that can be really helpful.
[00:46:43 - 00:47:02]
Right? I think having three daughters, that would have been very helpful. Well, Shara, this has been so enlightening and so fantastic and we are so grateful that you took the opportunity and the time to be with us today and just want to thank you so much.
[00:47:03 - 00:47:05]
Thank you. Thank you so much.
[00:47:05 - 00:47:18]
Well, that wraps up this episode of Marriage iq. And remember, the intelligent spouse knows that to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage first requires making a change in themselves.
[00:47:18 - 00:47:34]
We hope today has sparked some great insight for you, but why stop here? Stay connected and check us out on Facebook and on Instagram. And now our video podcasts are also on YouTube, so check us out there.
[00:47:35 - 00:47:56]
Head on over to MarriageIQ.com to grab your free ebook on building a scintillating marriage and subscribe to our newsletter for exclusive tips, updates, and resources. Invite your family and friends to join the Marriage IQ community. Keep exploring and we'll catch you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage iq.

Heidi Hastings https://www.drheidihastings.com