Episode 56. Broken & Brave: A Couple's Journey Through Addiction, Prison, and Radical Accountability
The Power of Accountability and Integrity in Resilient Marriages
Accountability and integrity aren’t just ideals—they are the bedrock of lasting, resilient marriages. As researchers and educators in relationship dynamics, we've consistently seen how these two principles shape not only how couples survive challenges but how they grow stronger through them.
In a recent episode of the Marriage IQ podcast, we sat down with Portia and Chad Louder, a couple whose story offers a raw and powerful glimpse into how accountability and integrity can redeem even the most broken circumstances.
From Denial to Ownership: Portia’s Journey
Portia Louder’s life began with success. A thriving photographer and real estate entrepreneur, she seemed to have it all—until poor decisions and legal missteps led to a seven-year federal prison sentence.
“Your power lies in accountability. Own that mistake as fast as you can.”
— Portia Louder
That one sentence captures a central truth about integrity in marriage: healing begins when we take ownership of our actions. Portia's willingness to stop hiding, stop blaming, and start facing herself head-on became the turning point—not only for her personal growth but for her relationship with Chad.
Identity: A Silent Strength in Adversity
Prison stripped away the external markers of success, forcing Portia to confront who she really was. In doing so, she discovered a truth that often gets overlooked in marriages:
“You can do really hard things when you know who you are.”
— Portia Louder
This echoes our research on identity in relationships. A secure, grounded sense of self equips individuals to face difficulty with clarity, courage, and grace. For couples, this means that self-awareness and self-worth aren’t luxuries—they’re lifelines.
Commitment: Love as a Daily Decision
While Portia served her sentence, Chad faced his own trials—financial strain, public judgment, and the ache of separation. Yet through it all, he made a conscious choice to stay committed.
His story is a powerful reminder:
“Love isn’t just an emotion. It’s a decision—renewed daily.”
—Chad Louder
In times of crisis, this kind of decision-based love can be an anchor. It’s what steadies a relationship when circumstances spin out of control.
Practical Lessons for Couples Facing Hard Things
Whether you're navigating sorrow, hardship, or simply the daily wear and tear of life, the Louders' story offers clear, actionable wisdom:
Practice Radical Honesty
Start by being honest with yourself. Then extend that honesty to your partner. Healing begins where pretense ends.
Embrace Accountability
Avoid blame. Own your part. That’s where real change begins.
Reaffirm Your Commitment
In hard seasons, speak your commitment out loud. It can be a lifeline of hope.
Seek Support
You don’t have to go it alone. Whether it’s therapy, trusted friends, or a faith community, outside support can help guide you through.
Pursue Personal Growth
Even painful experiences can become catalysts for self-improvement and deeper connection.
Redemption Is Real: Rebuilding Together
Portia and Chad’s story doesn’t gloss over the hard stuff. But it does shine a light on what’s possible when two people choose truth, integrity, and love—even when it’s costly.
A resilient marriage isn't about avoiding failure. It's about how you rise together after the fall.
So ask yourself:
What would change in your relationship if you practiced deeper accountability?
How might renewed integrity and commitment strengthen your connection today?
Your next step doesn’t have to be dramatic. But it should be deliberate. Because when you choose integrity, you choose growth—and a marriage built to last.
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Welcome to Marriage iQ, the podcast for the intelligent spouse.[00:00:08 - 00:00:10]
I'm Dr. Heidi Hastings.[00:00:10 - 00:00:12]
And I'm Dr. Scott Hastings.[00:00:13 - 00:00:49]
We are two doctors, two researchers, two spouses, two lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose. To transform the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun. Hello, lovers, and welcome back to another episode of Marriage iq. We're really thrilled to announce that Bryn Green is the winner of our first anniversary giveaway, and she and her husband will get date night on us. Guess where she decided she wanted.[00:00:49 - 00:00:50]
Cheesecake Factory.[00:00:50 - 00:02:06]
Cheesecake Factory. Yep. Thanks to all of you. That took time to follow and comment on Spotify and Apple podcasts or shared our podcast with your friends. To enter our giveaway, we would like your help friends with something really special. We're putting together some upcoming episodes all about marriage resilience, with couples as guests who've weathered storms and come out stronger. Maybe it's a couple that you know who bounced back from something really tough. Or maybe it's you and your spouse with a story worth sharing. We want to hear the real stuff here on Marriage iq. How love endured, how commitment was tested, and what pulled things back together. If you have a story or you know a couple whose journey has inspired you, send us an email@hellorriageiq.com just a few sentences is all we need to start. So go ahead, hit pause, shoot us that email, and let's keep learning together what makes a marriage truly resilient. So today we are really excited about our guests. This is a very unique story of a couple who survived some of the most difficult trials I've heard of.[00:02:06 - 00:02:08]
Yeah, yeah, prison.[00:02:08 - 00:03:16]
Today we have with us Portia and Chad Louder. Portia is a speaker and a life recovery coach whose story proves that rock bottom can become holy ground. She was a successful wedding photographer and real estate entrepreneur when she was indicted and ultimately served five years in federal prison. Behind razor wire, she discovered sisterhood, faith, and the grit to rebuild her life. Her book is called Living Louder A Compassionate Journey Through Federal Prison. And she's so candid and talks about accountability and redemption and the overlooked humanity of incarcerated women. Welcome, and thank you so much for joining us today on Marriage iq. So we talk a lot about identity here on Marriage IQ and how that has so much to do with the decisions we make and how we show up in our marriage. I think the very best place for you to start, Portia, is to give us an introduction to Chad. Tell us a little bit about him.[00:03:18 - 00:03:54]
Well, Chad is my favorite person. So it starts out with that Chad is the rock of our family. Just been such a stable influence for our children. And for me, that doesn't really say much about. I mean, he has a job, too. He does accounting work. And just really supportive of all of our family. He grew up in Afton, Wyoming, so he's a little bit of a cowboy. And he really brings our whole family together. And so I feel honored and privileged to be married to him and to be able to introduce him. There's probably lots more things I can say, and we'll get into that. More into the podcast.[00:03:54 - 00:04:00]
Portia, we actually grew up in the same area. I believe you were really good friends with my sister.[00:04:00 - 00:04:00]
Yeah.[00:04:00 - 00:04:04]
Just tell us a little bit about some of the background for your life and your experience.[00:04:07 - 00:05:33]
So I grew up in a small town, but you know, the small town. So. And I say I grew up on the outskirts of a small town because as a younger child, we lived on the outskirts of the Richfield on the Glenwood Road. I am the oldest of seven children, and you probably didn't know my parents, but my mom was like a super hippie, so she didn't believe in any rules or boundaries. I joke and say I never saw my mom wear a bra. My mom didn't believe in all of society's constructs. We didn't have to get up in the morning if we didn't want. In fact, I think my brother Donovan, and when he hit the third grade age, he went to my mom and said, hey, I'd like to go to school. And she goes, oh, okay. Well, you just have to let me know. And then. My dad was a Vietnam vet. He had pretty intense ptsd. He'd been shot twice in Vietnam. And he was very structured. He got up early in the morning, took care of the animals. He had a regular job, and then he also had a business on the side. With seven kids, it's a lot to take care of. And they were really busy people and hard workers. And so I grew up with good examples in many ways. I think as the oldest of those seven children, I always joke that I became a gang leader at a young age because there wasn't structure. And I think I felt frustrated a bit with the chaos, to be honest. And I've even had people say that I may have become parentified at a young age. And my first real struggle was when I was 13 years old. I decided that what boys thought of me was the most important thing.[00:05:34 - 00:05:35]
Probably pretty normal.[00:05:35 - 00:06:24]
It probably is. But with no rules or boundaries. When 16 year old boys came to pick me up and my dad said no, I just climbed out the window and went anyway. I hadn't had any rules up to that point. So it's like, you really think you're gonna start telling me what to do? I've been running my own life here, so that got me into trouble. My teenage years were difficult. By the time I was 17, I was pregnant with my first child and I moved out of my parents home. I moved into a low income apartment. And I really just thought if I can find somebody to marry me, everything will work out for me. I just need to get married, you know. I met somebody who was 10 years older than me. He was 28 and I was 18. And he made me this really great romantic offer. He said, portia, you should marry me because I can take care of you. Chad. And I laugh about how different our lives are now than when I was young.[00:06:24 - 00:06:25]
Was that you, Chad?[00:06:26 - 00:10:20]
Oh, no, I didn't marry him then I married someone and it didn't go very good. My parents actually moved to Salt Lake City shortly after I got married and I came up to visit my parents. Now you know what it's like to live in Ridgeville. It's a small town, but my world was really small. I had never been to Salt Lake City. So when I came up to visit my parents, I realized that I could possibly get a job and move out of the town. Maybe my life could be different. And so I told my husband that I wanted to move and he said, well, I'm never leaving this town and we don't even get along, so let's just get divorced. So we had been married about a year. Obviously the commitment wasn't too firm and got a quick divorce. And I moved to Salt Lake with my parents and I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Not long after Dre got to Salt Lake, oh so was single, 20 years old and pregnant with my second child. And I remember calling and telling my ex husband that I was pregnant and he really didn't want to be a part of my life. So it was a lonely time for me. And after my daughter was born, I started dating again because again, I think I'm going to eventually get married and everything's going to be okay. And I ended up getting pregnant again. So at 23 years old, I was pregnant with my third. And I understand I struggle with over fertility because I've only tried to get pregnant one time. That was when we had our first child. So that Was a really scary moment for me because I think I was a little bit older and I already had two children that didn't have a father. And so I said my first prayer. I really wasn't religious, but I felt a strong impression that I needed to place my son for adoption. And so I went through that process. I found a family, they were very supportive and they were with me through my whole pregnancy. And I got to watch them hold him for the first time. They were in the room the day that he was born. And I remember feeling empty inside when they walked out of the room. And I didn't understand it. I didn't know what trauma was. I didn't understand what I was feeling. And I thought, well, I'll just go back to work, I'll be okay. I'll just power through. But it didn't go away. It got worse. And I became addicted basically to prescription drugs. First prescription drugs and, and then street drugs. And my life got a lot worse. I lost my job, my parents were taking care of my children. And I remember coming home late one night, my son had been waiting for me. I had an 8 year old son now, and he had been crying, waiting for me for hours. And when I walked in the house, my mom, who never gives up on her kids and can't say unkind word, looks at me and says, portia, what would it take for you to change your life? She just was so disappointed. She goes, this little boy, all he cares about is you. And he's been waiting for hours for you. If that's not enough for you, there would be. And I remember that night, going downstairs and laying there with my son and just sobbing and again reaching out to God and just saying, please help me. I can't do this alone. I can't do it anymore. I was in so much pain. And the next day I walked upstairs and I said, dad, I need help. I don't know what to do. And my dad had kind of given up on me, really had. Was scared we'll just raise her kids like she's not going to make it. And he said, well, you can go talk to the guy across the street. He was a religious counselor and he might be able to help you. So I said, hey, I need help. I'm Cliff's daughter. I'm a drug addict. And there's so many things about this man that I really respect. He invited me in and he called somebody that had been in recovery from addiction and he had them come and share their story with me, which was really Important, because I didn't know that there was a way out. I couldn't see my way out of it. And then he made me a promise. He said, if you live a principle centered life, and he pointed to some things that I could do that would change my life. But the other thing he did is he spoke truth to me. He said, portia, you're very selfish and I appreciate that. I've learned to be grateful for people that will tell you the truth because that they care enough.[00:10:21 - 00:10:21]
Yeah.[00:10:21 - 00:11:23]
If they're willing to be honest. And he was kind of my sponsor. Like, he really was cheering me on. And these promises that he made me, that my whole life would change if I would take these simple steps. And I went to 12 step support group meetings. And I remember telling my dad, I said, dad, I just have failed so bad. I can't wait. And he goes, one day at a time, worship. Maybe today all you can do is read one page of one book to your kids and tomorrow it's two and the next day it's three. He's like, this is a step by step process that you're not going to fix it overnight. And I remember showing up for my kids, like six months later. I was sitting at a field trip with my son at the zoo, looking around and thinking, wow. I wanted to shout out, you guys don't get this, but I'm being a good mom now. At this point, I'm not looking for a man because I know better. I don't trust my own thinking. And I ended up meeting this really handsome cowboy guy here. And I still have no idea how I tricked him into marrying me. Because I remember telling Chad on our first date, I was like, chad, what scares you most about me?[00:11:23 - 00:11:24]
Everything.[00:11:24 - 00:11:24]
Everything.[00:11:26 - 00:11:27]
Scared me.[00:11:27 - 00:11:31]
Which makes total sense. So I know he has good judgment at least.[00:11:33 - 00:11:38]
Chad's a cowboy. They live in fear every day, right? Yeah, they're tough guys.[00:11:39 - 00:11:49]
He's a tough guy and he stays pretty calm in a scary situation. Someone asked me recently, what do you think it is about you? That Chad was really struck by it. I said, I think I'm just interesting.[00:11:52 - 00:11:55]
Let's take a moment here. Todd, what about her true tour?[00:11:56 - 00:12:19]
Well, definitely. I mean, she's beautiful. That got my attention. She just had so much energy and just that energy, just really strong. And I liked and appreciated that. And she was interesting. I followed all the rules for the most part. And she didn't keep any of the roles. Yeah, it was interesting. It was meant to be.[00:12:20 - 00:12:39]
And I wasn't receiving child support and right from the gate. That's a lot to take on for a guy that's just graduated college and kind of done the things right, you know, And. But we get married. I talked him into that, and we. He adopted my children. And this is the part of the story that I feel bad to keep going because this is a really beautiful part of our story.[00:12:40 - 00:12:43]
And you were clean at this point. You were clean from the drugs?[00:12:44 - 00:13:30]
Yeah, yeah. Okay. I was. We ended up buying a little home. I started my own photography company at this point. And Chad was working. And the two older kids that Chad adopted were doing well. And then I did what I always do, and I had two more kids 18 months apart, because I just have lots of kids. So we had our first child, Jackson. That's the one. We tried. And then I found out I was pregnant a year later. Wasn't even a year later. He was like six months old. And at this point, it would be impossible to describe the level of growth that was happening in our lives. But we had bought this little home, and then my business grew to the point it was just exploding. I think I was photographing 200 weddings a year. Wow. I had. That's a lot. Because there's a lot of engagements and riding along that.[00:13:30 - 00:13:30]
Yeah.[00:13:30 - 00:14:25]
So I was out. Morning. Tonight. We had our first child. Then I'm pregnant with our second child. I was building a new home to put a studio in the home to accommodate the company. And right after I had our second child, we moved into our new home. I had back surgery. My back just went out. And I relapsed on prescription drugs. So the chaos, the level of chaos. And I was just so overwhelmed. Like, looking back, I could see that I could have stepped back. There's so many things I could have done. My parents had always kind of invested in real estate that they were kind of aggressive. They would buy and sell houses. So we moved a lot. And when we moved to this new home that we built, the market was going crazy. Lots were going up really fast in that neighborhood. And I started to think, well, if I could just make enough money to pay off our house, I would just really step back from photography and raise these kids. Right.[00:14:25 - 00:14:28]
Like, which is a good motive.[00:14:28 - 00:15:39]
Yeah. It really felt like it was too busy. I had a nanny that would come over, and I married Chad, and he was taking on all this responsibility with kids. So I planned to work, but I was working too much. And I just thought, well, I'll build a spec home. I'll buy a lot. And it started out like that. And we could go into all the details, but I think the combination of my hustle skills, like the way that I work hard, anything I do really does kind of ramp up. And then also my addiction, my judgment, my integrity was lacking. My judgment is poor when I use prescription drugs. So what I know about myself is I am a serious drug addict. I've been sober for 10 years, and if I take one half of a narcotic pain pill, it messes with the way I think, and I am just not able to do that. But at that point, I felt like, you know, I'm stable, I have a good job, my family. And so I just went right back down the path. And it got worse. I ended up getting involved in illegal real estate deals. They're called equity deals, and I didn't know they were illegal. But what I do know, the first time that somebody presented one to me, I felt it, and I thought, I should not go down this path. And I did it anyway. I just kept going.[00:15:39 - 00:15:53]
So on marriage iq, we talk a lot about integrity. I think episode six or seven, it doesn't matter if you have all the other good pieces in place. If there's a breach in integrity, it can crumble.[00:15:54 - 00:15:59]
Integrities are foundation on which the four cornerstones are built.[00:15:59 - 00:15:59]
Yeah.[00:16:00 - 00:16:07]
So very interesting, because the drugs contributed to it. But it wasn't the drugs ultimately that sent you to prison.[00:16:07 - 00:16:29]
No, no. Yeah. From the outside, you wouldn't know I was a drug addict. I wasn't on the streets. I think there's probably a lot of people that struggle with. Right. Prescription drugs, like it. Especially at that time, I was so overwhelmed and busy. But anyway, the combination was pretty fatal for me. When you make a mistake, own it as fast as you can. And that's a piece of the integrity, too, right?[00:16:29 - 00:16:30]
It is, absolutely.[00:16:30 - 00:17:11]
Because when you deny the mistake, the mistake gets a lot worse. And I've learned that the hard way. Your power lies in accountability. Own that mistake as fast as you can. And I had made these mistakes in real estate in. And I heard I was under federal investigation. That's a terrifying thing to hear, by the way. Nobody wants to hear that the FBI is investigating them. You know, I don't even care if you've never broken a rule and it's uncomfortable. They go to all your friends and neighbors and everybody else and ask questions, and it makes them scared. And so I hear that I'm under federal investigation, and I think, I can't go to prison. I've worked so hard to Come back from my failure already. I'll lose everything. I'll lose my marriage. I'll lose my kids.[00:17:11 - 00:17:11]
I.[00:17:11 - 00:18:01]
It's impossible. Who would I even be if I go to prison? So I fight and fight and fight. And I used dime. We had all of our retirement. I made terrible decisions. It was so terrifying for me. If I could have said I made some mistakes, how can I make it right? That would have been a much different outcome for me. Instead, I said, why aren't you looking at the banks? Why aren't you looking at the appraisers? There's so many other investors doing way worse things than me. I made excuses, and I had no power. There's no power in excuses. Things got a lot worse. And, in fact, the FBI showed up at our house, and that's another very uncomfortable thing to have happen. And poor Chad. Chad's like, what is happening? Think what is happening? This is not the way I planned our marriage. And at this point, can't even imagine that.[00:18:01 - 00:18:05]
We did have a neighbor across the street that the FBI showed up on, and that was scary enough.[00:18:05 - 00:18:06]
Scary enough.[00:18:06 - 00:18:08]
Scary enough. But it's even in the neighborhood.[00:18:08 - 00:18:09]
Right, right, right.[00:18:10 - 00:20:10]
So, yeah, it was awful. And I remember the FBI, these two agents, they really liked Chad. Everyone likes Chad. And they're looking at poor Chad and thinking, are you going to stand by her? Because this could get bad for you, too. You might want to step away, you know? And then I'm really thinking, I have to fight to the death. Like, I. I was just so scared, and it didn't matter. Eventually they did indict me. And by that time, it had gone on for a long time, and financially, we were just devastated. And I walked into a federal courthouse to be sentenced in Salt Lake City, Utah. And that was a shocking experience because I had been in such denial. If you've ever been in a courtroom to be sentenced, especially in a federal courtroom, they say, the United States of America versus Portia Lauderdale. That's a pretty daunting thing to hear. You're like, my whole country's against me. But I realized that day the seriousness of what I'd done. I think up to that point, I didn't want to hear that I was going to have to go to prison. So I kept trying to find other ways. And I was facing 0 to 7 years sentence range. And I kept thinking, oh, I'll get a year, I'll get zero. I don't have a former criminal history, but I knew right when I walked into the courtroom that the judge was going to give me the maximum sentence. I could feel the weight of that and it was shocking to me. It was heavy. I remember looking back at Chad and the kids and I just started to cry. I knew this is going to be so long. It's going to be so hard for all of us. I could feel that. And the judge gave me a chance to get up and apologize. And I. I just got up and said, I'm so sorry. Sorry. What I've done to my family and to my community and I probably deserve what you're going to do today. My family deserves mercy. And I sat down and he said, I'm sentencing you to 84 months in federal prison slaughter, which is seven years.[00:20:10 - 00:20:11]
The full amount.[00:20:12 - 00:20:18]
The full amount. And I looked back and there's chad leaving our 7 year old daughter on his lap.[00:20:19 - 00:20:21]
What were you thinking right then, Chad.[00:20:24 - 00:20:24]
This is serious.[00:20:25 - 00:20:25]
This is.[00:20:25 - 00:20:33]
You know, it kind of all became real. It'd been a bad dream until that point. You know, things that were really. Yeah.[00:20:33 - 00:20:36]
Did you think there was any chance for your marriage to survive that?[00:20:38 - 00:20:43]
Yeah, I did. I had doubts, but I did think that.[00:20:45 - 00:21:11]
So one of the things that I think is interesting about Chad, Chad lives his life by decisions more than he does emotions, which I've had to learn to do because I'm a pretty emotional, passionate person. But our marriage, we really struggled. Like those years of that federal investigation. I felt so much guilt that I had struck him through this. And then he felt really resentful. Which you had a right to feel, right?[00:21:12 - 00:21:13]
Yeah, at times. Yeah.[00:21:13 - 00:22:01]
Yeah. And so at times, at times before I was sentenced, we were really struggling. Well, because financially too, we won't go into all the details. It was really rough. And at one point I said, chad, let's just get divorced. You should go. It is too hard. I tired. And he said, okay. And then he called me the next day and he goes, I love you. I can't believe you give up on our marriage. Wow. Not after all of this, you know. And then he goes, please. He's like, and I am sorry for my part for letting you stand alone, because I can feel that it's been very heavy for you. And I haven't made it easier. My feelings have made it harder for you. And he said, I love you and I'm committed to this. And I think his decision was made then.[00:22:02 - 00:22:04]
Maybe that's the cowboy in him, Right?[00:22:04 - 00:22:05]
Yeah.[00:22:05 - 00:22:07]
He's just not going to give up.[00:22:09 - 00:22:26]
Yeah. For the whole investigation, I thought we would stay married, but I definitely let horse Take the heat of the investigation, of the neighbors. And I just stood behind her. It was a lot. She needed somebody to stand in front of her or at least beside her. So.[00:22:28 - 00:22:33]
That'S great insight. That came at a high cost.[00:22:33 - 00:22:43]
Portia, I want to ask you, at what point did you start changing the way you thought from it's everyone else's fault to it's my fault.[00:22:44 - 00:26:30]
So I remember when I was working, I had an attorney that kept. And he did a really good job of pointing out all things everyone else was doing wrong too. Of course I paid him to do that. I made me feel good. But I remember one time getting mad at him and saying I did do things wrong. And if we pretend like I didn't wrong, we've got a blind spot here. I can't into that courtroom and pretend I didn't or it's not going to go well because it's in conflict with truth. I knew that there was power in finding my way to truth, but that didn't come really in a solid beauty because there was so much pain attached to all of my bad decisions until honestly, halfway through my prison sentence, what I knew the day that I was sentenced, I walked out of that courtroom. I felt shocked. I felt shocked that I had been so foolish. How could I have traded everything time with my family. How could I have traded my integrity? I was completely shocked. I was fortunate weeks to say goodbye to my kids. Chad actually pled with the judge that he would give me that time that day. And then I remember going home and looking at my children. And the world has never looked the same because I could see that I had traded everything of importance for nothing, for money. It just seemed so foolish. And my integrity, how could I have done this? I felt some freedom, though, honestly, the day I was sentenced. Maybe you could call it a death. A death to my ego. Who cares what anyone thinks of me now? Who cares like I know what's coming. It was really painful. And I had no idea as much as I knew it was going to be hard. But you don't know until you do something right. After eight weeks, Chad drove me to Dublin, California, because there aren't federal prisons in Utah. So I was literally 14 hours away from my family in a high security federal prison. And when I walked in, there's not words to describe the level of devastation that I felt to be completely separated from your community, from all the light and goodness and the support from my family. I think I spent three days and I couldn't even speak. All I could do is just lay there. And I just felt physically sick, like I'm not going to be able to do this. And at this point, I had a really powerful spiritual experience. I had a bunky. She was so sweet. She kept saying, you got to go eat. I'm so worried about you. And I said, please go away. Don't talk to me anymore. I can't talk about it. And I remember getting on my knees, and it's interesting that all my low points is when I reach out, you know? But this one, I just said, God, I feel like nobody to anyone. I failed everyone. And I can't see my way out of this. I am in the deepest hole. I just need to know who I am to you. I felt the most powerful conviction of my worth that I've ever felt. And I'm in a prison, in a jumpsuit, like, I'm at the lowest point of my life. And I felt this strong impression that I have an important purpose on this work earth and that I am so loved and valued. But it didn't just change the way I saw myself. It gave me such an understanding of everyone's worth. I could see that everyone in that prison was so loved and valued, and it really helped me. It bonded me to these women, and it bonded me to myself. It was a really important part of understanding my identity. Because no matter where we're at, we can turn around, we can change, we can choose integrity and move forward. And at my weakest place, I could see that I am worth everything. I am not defined by that. I can turn it around. And I say this often, but you can do really hard things when you know who you are. And that's why identity is so.[00:26:30 - 00:26:39]
This is awesome, by the way. Identity is one of our four cornerstones. At what point did this happen in. In the prison process?[00:26:39 - 00:28:31]
I've been in prison for three days and was at a very, very low point. I would say that there were two times that I had to have this confirmation. I mean, it was multiple times. I spent a lot of time in meditation and prayer, and I probably read 12 hours a day in prison. This was my education. Because you consider I never had any structure growing up. So here, all of a sudden, even though this is so painful, I get these boundaries and structure and rules. Well, there's a lot of benefit to that for a person. I never understood it, but here I am rebuilding my life, and I'm up every morning or 4 and 5 in the morning, and I'm reading and I'm studying, and I. I Remember, I. I had this experience, right, where I got on my knees and I reached out in so much pain. And that was early on in my prison sentence. And then I decide I need to have a conversation with myself. I need to get it together. So I go over to the rec yard, and it's just this reed yard. And I'm walking around and I'm stomping, and I'm like, you have an important purpose. And I'm talking to myself. And here's the interesting thing. I had a therapist tell me before I went to prison, I was court ordered to see a therapist. And he goes, you know, Rashev, it would be really hard to go to prison for seven years. And I'm telling him, there's no way in heck I'm going to prison for seven years. That's impossible. I'm in denial, right? And he goes, that would be hard. You know what would be harder? To be stuck in your addiction for seven years. Because you could go to prison and be an amazing person. You could go to prison and be a good mother in your addiction. You can't stay connected to anyone when you're in an addiction. Those words didn't mean much then, but when I'm marching around the prison track, I'm like, I am going to become an amazing person. I am the biggest birds. And I've told that therapist since, I'm like, your words came out. Always know when you say something may not impact them then, but man, later, I held on to those. And that guided me through my prison sentence. I taught classes on how to become an amazing person. Is it very simple?[00:28:31 - 00:28:32]
I love it.[00:28:33 - 00:29:12]
Yeah. But it took me a couple years to get so honest with myself. I actually wrote a whole spreadsheet of everything I'd ever done to hurt anyone. And it was really a inventory of my integrity. And I wanted to get honest with myself. And I felt like that was the beginning of building something new. It was this foundation, and it had a big impact on me. It really opened my soul and created freedom when I got honest with myself. And then I started reaching out, and I really had those conversations with my kids. Like, I did this. This wasn't a judge. This wasn't anyone. This was my choices. And I need you tell me how I hurt you. And so that was a big part of restoration for our family.[00:29:12 - 00:29:13]
That's some insight there.[00:29:13 - 00:29:23]
So I'm curious, with some of these other women you're with, were there some who still denied their guilt and how did they do compared to you?[00:29:24 - 00:30:00]
That's A great question, because that was a motivating factor for me because I'm sitting in prison with a whole bunch of women that are smart. I had a friend that was an attorney, a medical doctor, people that had made these mistakes. Right. And we would sit in the library and talk about how done dirty we were. And then I start to realize, we're stuck. We're stuck. I don't want to be stuck. And. And then I had a friend who came into prison. She was from Utah, and she had a completely different background. Her parents were homeless, they were drug addicted, and she became a drug dealer. Which makes sense, right, if you're raised on the streets. Like, she literally was in the backseat when her parents were robbing pharmacies and things.[00:30:00 - 00:30:01]
Wow.[00:30:01 - 00:30:40]
And so she has. Her background is much different than mine. And I meet her, and one day she said, portia, why are you so angry? And I said, well, they put me in prison because you bring the law. That's what happens when you bring the law. And I said, why aren't you mad? And she goes, I'm a drug dealer. Drug dealers go to prison. People that commit mortgage fraud go to prison. You're at war with yourself. You just have to own that. And I'm sitting here thinking, I got all these smart friends or lawyers and doctors, and they're not getting it. And my drug dealer friend picked it right up. And that's when I was like, oh, man, I gotta change some things. And that's when I did that inventory because I wanted freedom. I was like, she has freedom. She's not a victim. I don't want to be a victim.[00:30:41 - 00:30:44]
That's a story of insight like I've never heard.[00:30:44 - 00:30:52]
Yeah, you're hitting on all of our four cornerstones here today, Portia. And that's funny, because you're talking about lawyers and doctors. These are otherwise very intelligent people.[00:30:52 - 00:30:53]
Right.[00:30:53 - 00:30:54]
But they lack insight.[00:30:54 - 00:31:00]
Right. That does show the value of insight to a degree. That is incredible.[00:31:01 - 00:31:05]
And you were able to learn it and you pushed forward, right?[00:31:05 - 00:31:06]
Yeah.[00:31:06 - 00:31:10]
Well, they stuck in the past about how everyone else wronged them.[00:31:11 - 00:31:11]
Right.[00:31:11 - 00:31:17]
On this podcast, we say this every week. The intelligent spouse knows the change from.[00:31:17 - 00:31:21]
A stinky to a scintillating marriage first requires a change in yourself.[00:31:22 - 00:31:45]
And so I love your story. This concludes part one of our interview with Portia and Chad Louder. We hope you've enjoyed it as much as we have, so look out for part two of the Louder interview. So you can hear that. Yeah. The conclusion and the phenomenal advice they give us on how their marriage survived Portia's five years in prison and how she came out a better person.[00:31:46 - 00:31:50]
Well, everybody, that wraps up this episode of Marriage iq.[00:31:50 - 00:31:58]
And remember, the intelligent spouse knows that to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage, birth requires a change in themselves.[00:31:58 - 00:32:03]
We hope you'll stay connected with us. Follow Marriage IQ on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube.[00:32:03 - 00:32:13]
Head over to MarriageIQ.com to grab your free ebook on business Building a Scintillating Marriage and subscribe to our newsletter for exclusive tips, updates, and resources.[00:32:13 - 00:32:19]
Keep exploring and we'll catch you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage iq.
