Episode 152: Is AI Helping Your Marriage or Replacing Your Spouse?
AI and Marriage: When Technology Helps and When It Hurts
Is AI Helping Your Marriage or Replacing Your Spouse?
What happens when AI becomes the person you turn to first instead of your spouse?
That question may have sounded like science fiction a few years ago. Today, it is becoming a very real question for couples.
AI can listen without interrupting. It responds almost instantly. It remembers what you have told it. It does not get defensive, have a bad day, or tell you it is too tired to talk. It is available at 2:00 in the morning when you are upset and your spouse is asleep.
So it is easy to understand why people are turning to AI for relationship advice, emotional support, help with difficult conversations, and even companionship.
But there is an important difference between using AI as a tool and using AI instead of your spouse.
When AI Becomes a Third Voice in Your Marriage
Researchers are beginning to describe AI as a kind of “third voice” in romantic relationships. Instead of working through a problem directly with your spouse, you may privately ask AI what it thinks, how you should respond, or whether your spouse is wrong.
That can be helpful-but it can also create problems.
Imagine repeatedly telling an AI about your spouse's mistakes, frustrations, and shortcomings without ever explaining your own contribution to the conflict. The AI only has the story you give it. If you present a one-sided version of the situation, it may reinforce that perspective rather than challenge it.
Instead of helping you understand your spouse, AI can unintentionally make you more convinced that your spouse is the problem.
And that can drive a wedge between two people who are supposed to be working through the problem together.
AI Can Help You Become a Better Spouse
That does not mean AI is bad for marriage.
Used thoughtfully, it can actually be useful.
For example, you might use AI to help you put difficult feelings into words before talking with your spouse. If you are angry and about to send an email you may regret, AI can help you tone it down and communicate more clearly.
You might ask for date ideas, activities to do together, or suggestions for approaching a communication problem differently.
You can even use AI for self-reflection.
Instead of asking, “Why is my spouse wrong?”, try asking:
“What might I be missing here?”
“Am I seeing any cognitive distortions in my thinking?”
“What might my spouse be experiencing that I haven't considered?”
“How could I communicate this in a way my spouse can better understand?”
“What can I do differently in this situation?”
Those questions shift the focus from proving that you are right to gaining insight.
And that is where AI can become a useful tool for marriage.
Don't Outsource Your Identity or Your Intimacy
There is also a deeper concern.
AI can make you feel understood because it is designed to respond to what you tell it. But intimacy is more than telling someone everything about yourself.
Real intimacy involves mutuality.
It involves two people getting to know each other, being surprised by each other, disagreeing, compromising, repairing after conflict, and continuing to discover one another over time.
AI cannot provide that mutuality. It can respond to you, but it does not have its own needs, vulnerabilities, bad days, preferences, or perspective that you have to navigate.
Marriage requires all of those things.
Sometimes the difficult parts of a relationship are precisely what help two people grow closer. When you work through a disagreement, make a sacrifice, repair after hurting each other, or learn to see something differently, you are building something that instant gratification cannot provide.
A perfectly agreeable machine may feel easier.
But easy is not always intimate.
When Does AI Become a Problem?
The issue is not necessarily whether you use AI.
The better question is what your AI use is doing to your marriage.
Are you becoming more willing to talk with your spouse because AI helped you understand yourself?
Or are you turning to AI every time your spouse disagrees with you?
Are you using it to prepare for a difficult conversation?
Or are you using it to avoid having the conversation altogether?
Are you becoming a better listener and communicator?
Or are you becoming increasingly dependent on a machine for validation?
Secrecy can also be an important warning sign. Couples may have different boundaries around what they are comfortable sharing with AI, particularly when deeply private information about a spouse or the marriage is involved. Those boundaries should be discussed together rather than assumed.
Create Your Marriage's AI Boundaries
One of the healthiest things a couple can do is talk about AI before there is a problem.
Sit down together and decide what feels appropriate for your relationship.
You might discuss:
Should we tell each other when we're using AI for relationship advice?
Are there certain private topics we should never put into AI?
Should some conversations happen between us first?
What would make AI use feel like dependency rather than a tool?
What should we do if one of us feels AI is taking too much time or attention away from our relationship?
You can even agree that when using AI for marriage-related questions, the goal should be insight rather than ammunition.
Don't use it to build a case against your spouse.
Use it to understand yourself, consider another perspective, and prepare to reconnect.
The Question That Matters Most
Ultimately, there may be one simple question that can serve as a measuring stick:
Is AI drawing me toward my spouse-or pulling me away from my spouse?
If AI helps you understand yourself so you can show up better for your spouse, it may be serving your marriage.
If it becomes easier to talk to a machine than to talk to the person you married-especially because the machine will never disagree with you-then it may be time to reconsider how you are using it.
AI can provide insight.
It can help you find words.
It can give you ideas and perspectives you may not have considered.
But don't let it become a substitute for the messy, challenging, deeply human work of marriage.
Use AI for insight. Then bring that insight back into the relationship.
Because the goal isn't to have a machine that understands you perfectly.
The goal is to become the kind of spouse who is willing to understand-and be understood by-the person sitting right in front of you.
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0:00
The Growing Influence and Appeal of AI in Relationships
What happens in marriage when AI becomes the person you turn to 1st instead of your spouse?
Divorce attorneys are seeing an uptick in divorces, where AI emerges as part of the problem leading up to relationship disintegration.
So today we're asking, can AI actually help or hurt your marriage?
0:20
Speaker 2
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
0:26
Speaker 1
I'm Heidi Hastings.
0:27
Speaker 2
And I'm Scott Hastings.
0:30
Speaker 1
Sometimes we look at Reddit posts Scott and I do to learn about some trending topics in marriage.
And today I found one woman on Reddit that says her husband spent hours venting about her to ChatGPT, and then he began trusting its judgement over hers and consulted it before making decisions or even talking with her.
0:54
Eventually she wrote he can't even think without AI anymore.
So I know that sounds pretty extreme, but here's what really caught our attention.
There are researchers who are now describing AI as a third voice entering romantic relationships.
1:11
Speaker 2
Say what?
1:12
Speaker 1
And increasingly, people are using it for relationship advice, for emotional support, for conflict help and even companionship.
1:23
Speaker 2
Wow.
1:24
Speaker 1
So today we're asking, can AI actually help or hurt your marriage?
And this may not be an either or kind of an answer, but we believe that to be intentional, which is one of our four cornerstones.
These are conversations that every couple should be having proactively, and I'm talking as soon as possible.
1:44
Speaker 2
So have you even thought about this yet in your relationship?
This also raises a much more uncomfortable question, right, honey?
It might become easier to feel understood by a machine than by your spouse.
2:00
Speaker 1
There's probably the truth to that.
2:01
Speaker 2
Yeah, AI listens as long as you want.
It responds almost instantly, and it remembers what you've told it.
2:10
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's one of the big things for me, I think.
2:13
Speaker 2
It doesn't interrupt, it doesn't get defensive, it doesn't have its own bad day.
It can validate your emotions and very well.
Yeah, it's available at 2:00 in the morning too, without brain fog.
2:27
Speaker 1
24/7 That's true.
And we're seeing that people are really turning to AI to navigate the complexities of marriage and romantic relationships.
So there's a new study I found just released this year.
It's a systematic review that looked at 21 studies from several countries, I think 11 countries.
2:47
And the interesting thing is whenever we talk about big systematic reviews, reviews of multiple studies, it's usually across decades.
But for studies on AI and relationships, these studies were all done in the last two years.
3:03
Speaker 2
Yeah, that's a very new scene.
3:05
Speaker 1
Moving very fast, and a lot of research is starting to be focused on this area.
This particular study looked at how people are using AI in romantic relationships, and the researchers describe AI as becoming a kind of third voice in the relationship.
3:21
Like I said, not necessarily as a romantic partner, but as something one person may privately turn to for advice within the marriage, or emotional support, or help drafting a text message or an e-mail to their spouse, or even help resolving conflict.
3:41
There's also a really interesting survey conducted by marriage.com that was released this year, and it found that 64% of couples turn to AI for relationship advice before they turn to each other to talk about their problems, and 33% of those participants thought AI got them better than their spouse.
4:05
Speaker 2
That's already 1/3 after two years.
4:08
Speaker 1
Oh boy, makes it a little bit scary, doesn't it?
Shockingly, half of the participants said they trusted AI more than they trusted loved ones Advice, or even advice from a therapist.
Far and away, people will turn to that before they'll turn to friends, family members, or therapists, and the stakes get even higher.
4:29
The survey showed that 28% of people used AI to counsel about, make and act on financial decisions without ever discussing them with their spouse.
4:42
Speaker 2
Oh, that sounds scary.
4:44
Speaker 1
I know.
So this is a complex issue and we're going to really dive in today and talk about some of the nitty gritty with it.
4:52
Exploring AI's Role in Emotional, Romantic, and Sexual Needs
You know, and AI isn't only being used for advice.
4:57
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's true.
4:58
Speaker 2
Research by Brian Willoughby and his colleagues found that people are also using AI for romantic and sexual interactions, believe it or not, including simulated romantic conversations and AI generated sexual content.
5:14
Which doesn't prove people are replacing their spouses with AI just yet, but it does raise an important question for marriage If I begin meeting my own emotional, romantic, or sexual needs through AI, what happens to my motivation or even my capacity to turn toward my spouse for those same experiences?
5:36
Speaker 1
It kind of sounds like porn on steroids because porn is visual, but now they're actually combining that emotional aspect of it through some of these websites that are particularly created for that.
5:53
We may see some real issues with marriage.
So we talked earlier about feeling more understood by AI than your own spouse.
So Scott, do you think there's inherently anything wrong with feeling more understood by AI in a particular moment or on a particular issue?
6:13
If I started consulting AI before every difficult conversation I have with you, would that bother you?
6:19
Speaker 2
I would have to think about that.
I, you know, I don't think it would at the outset bother me.
OK.
It might down the road, OK.
But ultimately, you're coming to me for that conversation.
6:34
Speaker 1
OK.
6:35
Speaker 2
You see what I mean?
So.
And we are still, in the end, conversing with each other.
6:42
Speaker 1
Right.
So what if I told chat things about our marriage that I haven't told you?
Would that bother you?
6:49
Speaker 2
Well, I'm not like superbly.
I mean, it wouldn't bother me a lot.
I, I mean, OK, I'm not too bothered by that idea.
I mean, it might bother a lot of other people, but.
7:04
Speaker 1
I'd probably be more bothered by it than you.
7:07
Speaker 2
I mean, I think what would bother me was where ultimately, if it LED down a road to you don't need to talk to me at all.
If you're using it for support or advice or more clarity, more perspective.
I don't want to put a blanket statement on off, yes, no, black, white like I think it depends.
7:29
A lot of things in life depend.
If chats able to help you articulate in better, more functionable words for me to understand, then I think that's a win win.
7:41
Speaker 1
OK, but if I told Chad all your dirty laundry, how would you feel about that?
Or perceived or suspected dirty laundry.
7:52
Speaker 2
I don't.
It doesn't right now, in this moment, bother me.
7:57
Speaker 1
OK.
All right.
7:58
Navigating AI's Validation Trap and Constructive Applications
So here's another question for you, and you've alluded to this already, but can AI actually help us become a better spouse?
And if so, how so?
8:09
Speaker 2
Yes.
8:10
Speaker 1
What ways do you think it can?
8:12
Speaker 2
Yeah, just like I said before, it's you can learn to speak my language.
It's like a translator, OK?
It might just land better on me.
8:21
Speaker 1
Yeah, I think that's true.
8:23
Speaker 2
And vice versa, right?
8:25
Speaker 1
We've used AI to come up with eight ideas.
8:27
Speaker 2
Actually, yes, every Thursday night it gives me what's coming up this weekend so I can choose and talk to you about, hey, here's an idea.
8:38
Speaker 1
So have you used AI to understand yourself better before talking to me?
8:44
Speaker 2
Nope.
8:45
Speaker 1
I haven't either, but you just kind of mentioned that something like how do I frame this in a way that would help my spouse?
The study that I mentioned earlier, it says that using AI for marriage help only helps about as much as writing in your journal, but it is kind of like writing in a journal, it helps temporarily.
9:08
I was just wondering if we can do some self exploration.
So I'll just give an example.
I was on AI trying to flush through some parts of my business in order to recreate the website, some of our branding, and it took me pretty deep very quickly.
9:32
Within a few hours I understood a lot of things better than I had before.
But here was the scary part.
9:42
Speaker 2
Deeper than we ever went.
9:44
Speaker 1
Deeper than you and I ever went by a long shot.
It pointed out my strengths to me a lot faster than you do.
It gave me compliments.
So the next day I logged back on and it said, I've been thinking since we talked last night.
10:01
And that was a big red flag to me.
I said, you don't think so?
Don't give me that crap.
But if you were in a relationship that was really struggling, those are words that are like honey to the ears, right?
10:17
Or to the tongue.
10:18
Speaker 2
Are you struggling in this relationship?
10:20
Speaker 1
No, but I mean, everything's not perfect.
And at that moment that sounded really nice and I was feeling good.
And then I'm like, wait, this is it's.
10:29
Speaker 2
A machine.
10:30
Speaker 1
Right.
And it's going places that I haven't gone with Scott, which isn't fair to Scott that I haven't explored some of these ideas with him.
10:38
Speaker 2
So you pulled out.
10:40
Speaker 1
I really don't want to get used to the dopamine hit that comes from getting.
10:45
Speaker 2
A lot of.
10:46
Speaker 1
Really, really positive feedback from something that's not real.
Wow.
So.
10:51
Speaker 2
So you're getting a dopamine hit from this?
10:54
Speaker 1
Yeah, wow.
Don't, don't you think?
10:57
Speaker 2
I don't.
It's like it's a machine.
10:58
Speaker 1
Well, maybe it doesn't talk to you as nicely as it talks to me.
Probably knows you're a man.
11:04
Speaker 2
OK, well maybe it could be.
What if you asked AI what am I missing here instead of tell me why my spouse is wrong?
Any time that is used to find insight is time well spent.
11:21
Not nearly enough of us spend time looking at what we could do to improve in the relationship.
It's always your fault.
My spouse is doing this and.
11:35
Speaker 1
That maybe Chad could help you recognize one of your own cognitive distortions.
Yeah, if you explain a situation and say what cognitive distortions are showing up here for me and how can I be aware of them and reverse them?
11:50
Speaker 2
I think that's a great idea.
11:52
Speaker 1
Can AI help you regulate your emotions?
11:56
Speaker 2
I don't know, I haven't tried.
11:57
Speaker 1
It I don't know either.
You did already mention that AI can help us come up with better ways to say things.
I actually, I will use it every once in a while if I'm really hot and bothered about and issue and I need to send an e-mail to somebody about it.
12:14
And I will say please help me just tone this down so I'm not embarrassed later.
And so maybe that's something that can be helpful.
12:22
Speaker 2
That's true.
This is.
12:23
Speaker 1
A dump, like a journal of how I'm feeling right now.
But I don't want to come about this in a bad way.
And we got to realize that AI isn't filled with all this wisdom.
It does have all the resources, but it does force us to think and reflect.
12:42
All right, So what kind of marriage problems do you think you probably shouldn't put on AI as a primary source to get help for?
12:51
Speaker 2
I would think that if I were doing AI kind of as a intro, right, I would start with the smaller things, communication, different modalities that you can use.
AI kind of crafts it to you, to your personality and to your gender and to your roles, identity.
13:13
I think it could be quite good.
I'm not an expert on this.
13:16
Speaker 1
No at all.
You know, I don't really know that most of our listeners are either.
13:21
Speaker 2
Actually, is anyone an expert on this?
13:23
Speaker 1
Even the experts, I don't think have any idea where this is going to go.
But I think if we just start talking about how do we feel about this?
What do we think?
Are we being proactive in the questions that we're asking and the boundaries that we're setting for our marriage and for ourselves?
13:40
I think that's really important.
13:42
Speaker 2
And intentional too, sitting down beforehand.
Hey, this are our boundaries.
This is what?
13:47
Speaker 1
Right, exactly.
13:50
Speaker 2
One thing the researchers found with real concerns is that AI can reinforce one person's side of the story.
13:58
The Risks of AI Reinforcing Bias and Hindering Real Connection
So it can take that story and magnify it and something that they kind of over rely on and so that can really drive a further wedge between the relationship.
14:09
Speaker 1
Yeah, I can see that.
I can see how it would make conversations to feel a little less authentic if they're just repeating things that chat says.
14:19
Speaker 2
What questions could we ask AI if we genuinely want perspective rather than our own confirmation?
14:28
Speaker 1
Oh that's a really good question we could ask.
Am I missing something about what my spouse is experiencing?
14:36
Speaker 2
Yeah, their experience.
14:38
Speaker 1
We could ask them to challenge our interpretation on something that we're looking for answers for.
14:46
Speaker 2
That gets back to that insight that I talked about that could be very positive.
But what if we're using AI to avoid having important conversations with our spouse, rather than to just gain insight?
15:02
Speaker 1
Or any conversations at all.
Right.
If we get too into it, we may, we may not rely on our spouse at all for opinions, for counsel.
Yeah, that's a good question.
Do you think that working on my marriage with AI is actually avoiding working on it in person for some people?
15:25
Speaker 2
Well, it could lead to that if you set your boundaries right and you know going into it what those boundaries are.
Set those boundaries up in the beginning and say I want this to be a positive conversation.
15:39
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's good.
15:41
Speaker 2
Don't let it go negative.
15:42
Speaker 1
Yeah, I do think it's a problem though, if somebody uses AI to kind of sift through their problems.
But we're missing a lot of stuff if we don't actually confront our problems together and work through them.
16:00
So, Scott, why does AI feel so good?
What does it give to us human beings that human beings can't give to each other?
16:09
Speaker 2
The end of the day, everything that's telling me to make me feel good, I mean, I ultimately, no, it's machine doing it.
16:18
Speaker 1
That's really important to keep in the top of our mind.
16:21
Speaker 2
I don't go there for validation, I don't go there for dopamine hits.
That's just not where my head goes.
16:28
Speaker 1
Well, I didn't even realize that it was a dopamine hit until today when I was looking at some of the research and I was like, oh, that day that I was feeling very validated and supported and lifted up.
I think that's what it was.
16:43
Speaker 2
And I, I don't think that's necessarily bad if you feel validated and you feel supported, even if it is temporarily OK, but not, you know, you don't want to live in your office.
16:57
Speaker 1
So, so far, we've hit on three of our cornerstones.
We hit slightly on identity, we've hit on intentionality a lot, on insight quite a bit.
Now let's go to intimacy.
17:09
Understanding Human Intimacy: Mutuality, Growth, and Repair
Let's talk a little bit about AI intimacy versus human intimacy.
So what actually makes intimacy intimate in your mind?
A.
17:19
Speaker 2
Feeling of closeness and deep connectedness emotionally.
I'm sure there are other ways to say that, but that's that could be like vomiting information without feeling close at all.
17:33
Speaker 1
Yeah.
17:34
Speaker 2
There is an emotional connection.
It's probably chemical, too.
Or you just get it.
He gets me or she gets me.
Maybe that's the easy way to describe intimacy in two in a few words.
17:48
Speaker 1
It's being understood, but AI can understand you.
17:53
Speaker 2
But it can't.
It's a machine.
17:55
Speaker 1
But it makes you think it understands you.
17:59
Speaker 2
Well, it doesn't to me, but it might.
18:02
Speaker 1
To a lot of people out there.
18:04
Speaker 2
So not right now.
Maybe when it gets a lot better, maybe it will start fooling me.
18:09
Speaker 1
So here's the thing.
And you say this all the time.
The minute you say you know your spouse.
18:18
Speaker 2
That's the first minute you don't.
18:22
Speaker 1
And that keeps the mystery in it, right?
I think intimacy really comes down to not always knowing about each other, getting each other as much as you can, but continually having to learn and not always agreeing.
If I don't give an answer that you like, does that mean you can't be intimate with me?
18:42
Speaker 2
No, no, that's an emotionally intelligent response.
But how we're living right now, it's I can see how that could go down a really dangerous path.
18:54
Speaker 1
OK, tell me what you mean.
18:55
Speaker 2
If I don't have every single need taken care of right now, then I'm out.
19:02
Speaker 1
Yeah, right.
19:03
Speaker 2
If I don't have my almond milk vanilla flavored in the fridge, like I'm out.
Like seriously.
19:10
Speaker 1
Instant gratification.
19:11
Speaker 2
We are so freaking gratified because that's how people make money.
Yeah, they find the pain point, which, you know, it's fine, make money, whatever.
And now we have AI to emotionally do all that stuff.
19:23
Speaker 1
Right, But are we happier?
19:26
Speaker 2
Of course not.
19:27
Speaker 1
Of course not.
19:28
Speaker 2
Depression and anxiety is higher than it's ever been.
19:31
Speaker 1
One thing that AI cannot do is provide mutuality.
It's one sided.
19:38
Speaker 2
That we need connection with other human beings.
19:42
Speaker 1
Yeah, that's true.
So what do we lose if a relationship never requires sacrifice or patience or repair with each other, or compromise?
What if everything is such instant gratification, our needs being met by this thing that's not real?
20:01
Speaker 2
We become depressed and anxious.
20:04
Speaker 1
So is that part of the problem with our society right now?
20:08
Speaker 2
We want this and we want this and we don't know how to reconcile it.
That's why we have marriage IQ to walk you through this in this strange new world that we find ourselves in.
20:23
Speaker 1
So compromise and sacrifice and seeing things differently is valuable.
20:31
Speaker 2
It is, and we're here to learn and educate at the same time the importance of that and how you do it.
20:39
Speaker 1
And this is a really what helps us grow, right?
We've talked many times about that.
Marriage isn't a destination, but it's a growth opportunity.
It's not like Cinderella and the glass slipper ope that size didn't fit me because it wasn't exactly perfect.
20:59
It's that we're growing together through the struggles.
21:03
Speaker 2
So I agree largely.
I also do think that it can be a destination at the same time it can be both.
21:10
Speaker 1
OK.
21:11
Speaker 2
So yes, you can have that glass slipper and the ball and grow along the way.
21:17
Speaker 1
Well, and friction is actually really important to have intimacy.
21:24
Speaker 2
Why is that?
21:25
Speaker 1
Well, I've just noticed lately that sometimes when we go through a little bit of a rough patch and we reconnect and we repair, it's even more sweet.
21:39
Speaker 2
Yes, it's like riding the magic school bus.
What?
21:44
Speaker 1
Do you mean?
21:45
Speaker 2
You can't really explain how it gets there, but it's really awesome when you do get there.
Yeah, it's the magic of a relationship, a scintillating, committed relationship where we stand back and understand that our partner has issues, We have issues, and it's still beautiful.
22:07
It's a beautiful mess.
It's a wonderful mess.
It's a scintillating mess.
22:16
Establishing Boundaries to Prevent AI from Becoming a Betrayal
That's a good way to describe our marriage, right?
All right, so we can't ignore 1 little part that we talked about early in the beginning.
And that is when does AI become the other relationship, like almost a betrayal.
22:34
Speaker 2
Are you talking about like you're cheating on me with chat?
22:38
Speaker 1
Yeah.
I with any kind of AI program, where would you draw the line between AI use and emotional infidelity?
And yes, we know that there's a bunch of porn stuff out there with it, but also, what about time?
22:55
Speaker 2
Well, that's already happening with social media.
I mean, let's be honest.
22:59
Speaker 1
Do you think this is hitting other people that aren't usually on social media?
23:04
Speaker 2
That's a great question.
23:05
Speaker 1
Because when we just went on a vacation, do you know how many videos I took of you and pictures of you looking at your AI and asking them questions, which we're learning?
It's about history.
23:18
Speaker 2
That you don't see me on social media.
23:20
Speaker 1
No, but you weren't talking to me.
23:23
Speaker 2
So you got me, my love you.
23:24
Speaker 1
Weren't talking to me, you were.
23:26
Speaker 2
I was asking John a question because.
23:27
Speaker 1
I had all the time.
I had a.
23:29
Speaker 2
Burning question.
I'm like, oh, I need to know this question, the answer to this question.
23:34
Speaker 1
Right.
And that was the case a lot.
23:38
Speaker 2
OK.
23:39
Speaker 1
That's not cheating, but it does take our connection together out of the equation a little bit.
23:45
Speaker 2
Well, I guess we should refer folks back to the episode on social media and phones in general.
23:51
Speaker 1
That's a good one.
23:52
Speaker 2
Bubbing.
Yeah, because that's really a form of fubbing, right?
I mean, you might be looking at social media.
I might be asking chat why are Catholic monks and nuns diminishing in the world population anyway?
24:04
Speaker 1
I would say secrecy is another if we don't feel like we can talk to our spouse about stuff that we're looking at or talking with AI about.
24:14
Speaker 2
I don't think I would consider it cheating, emotionally or otherwise.
It's a machine with a whole lot of power behind it and a lot of money too.
24:24
Speaker 1
So let's go back to talk about guardrails that you mentioned.
Yeah.
How should couples actually use AI?
So if we were advising a couple today around their use of AI, what guardrails would you recommend?
24:40
Speaker 2
Well, as I said earlier, I would get together intentionally beforehand and say, OK, these are the boundaries we're putting up right now before this even starts.
Yeah, say here are our boundaries.
Yeah, we want to keep this positive.
We're not mudslinging because if your mudslinging, AI is probably not going to help.
24:59
Speaker 1
It'll just provide you.
25:00
Speaker 2
With the like we said, it's just going to widen that cast, you know, and so we, you know, we make up some boundaries like, hey, this is going to be positive for both spouses.
And here's what we're talking about.
We're talking about communication, we're talking about emotional intelligence.
25:15
We're not talking about the big T trauma, betrayal, disclosure or this financial infidelity.
You know, we're doing these basic intro steps into basic marriage therapy.
25:33
What do you think about that?
25:34
Speaker 1
There are a few questions that I think might be important to ask, like should spouses tell each other if or how they're using AI for marriage advice?
So there's no right or wrong answer to that.
But if a couple talks about that themselves, then they can make the decisions themselves about what the answer to that is for them, what their boundary is for that.
25:59
Do you need to talk about it together before putting deeply private information about your spouse into AI for you?
You said you didn't really care.
And so now I know the answer to that.
But that's.
26:12
Speaker 2
Yeah, just tell me what it says.
I'd be curious.
I'm just scared to do it myself.
26:17
Speaker 1
Another question you could ask is should there be certain conversations that belong first between us as husband and wife before going to AI for answers?
We should probably talk about what are the warning signs that AI is moving from just being a tool or a machine to dependency.
26:40
If I see that when we're on a vacation, you're spending a lot more time with your phone asking questions than you are with me, then maybe one of the rules that we put around that is we ask the question together.
You read it to me when you're putting it in and we learn together instead of.
26:58
Speaker 2
For some reason, I don't see you being really interested in the monastery population over time.
27:03
Speaker 1
But give me that choice to make that decision.
Another question we could ask is how would I know if my AI use is making me less, not more capable of handling real stuff in our relationship?
27:20
And you could probably tell me what you think on that.
And I could tell you it seems to be getting a little bit out of control.
It might be impacting this or that.
27:31
Speaker 2
Yeah.
27:31
Speaker 1
Another question that we could talk about is what should I personally do if I'm noticing that every time things get a little bit uncomfortable with you, I'm turning to AI?
That's maybe a coping.
27:43
Speaker 2
Kind of measure safe space, right?
27:45
Speaker 1
Yeah.
So I think, Scott, one of the biggest questions we can use as a measuring stick with how AI is impacting our marriages.
If we ask ourselves, is AI drawing me toward my spouse or pulling me away from my spouse?
28:02
Am I using it to better understand myself so I can better show up for my spouse?
Or am I using it because a machine is easier than talking to another human being that might disagree with me?
28:14
Speaker 2
Or totally agree with you.
28:16
Speaker 1
Yeah.
28:17
Speaker 2
Totally validate you.
Yeah, ultimately is the way I'm using AI helping me become a better spouse, Use AI for insight, bring that insight back to the marriage.
28:32
Speaker 1
Yeah, I think that's a really great way to look at it.
And if some of you have had experiences with AI in your marriage, ways that it's helped, ways that it's hurt, we would love for you to put a comment below and let us know.
28:49
Let's have that conversation where the things that you've learned or experienced might help other people in our marriage like.
28:56
Speaker 2
Yeah, it might give us a great aha moments.
Let us know.
Leave a comment wherever you're listening and.
29:03
Speaker 1
The biggest thing is this guy, he's my #1.
29:07
Speaker 2
You're my #1.
29:10
Speaker 1
All right, everybody, we hope you have a wonderful weekend.
We'll see you next week on another exciting episode of.
29:15
Speaker 2
Mary, thank you.
