When Your Spouse Says No

In this week’s Marriage iQ episode, we sat down with our friend Dan Purcell from Get Your Marriage On to talk about sexual shame—and the conversation went in some really interesting directions.

One of them was what happens when your spouse wants something you don’t want—or you want something they don’t. Dan talked about how easily we can slip into control strategies like pouting, withdrawing, pressuring, or trying to convince our spouse until they finally give in.

And that got me thinking:

What happens inside you when your spouse says no?

No to sex.
No to spending money on something you want.
No to a trip, a move, a project, or even an idea you’re really excited about.

It’s easy to hear our spouse’s “no” as rejection—or as a problem we need to fix.

But your spouse is allowed to want something different than you do.

One of the marks of a healthy marriage is the ability to hold onto yourself while also allowing your spouse to be a separate person—with their own preferences, boundaries, feelings, and desires.

That doesn’t mean their answer can never change. It doesn’t mean you stop talking about difficult things. And it certainly doesn’t mean your wants don’t matter.

It means we learn to tolerate the discomfort of not always getting what we want without trying to control our spouse into giving it to us.

Ironically, pressure usually creates the opposite of what we’re hoping for. It creates distance, resentment, and defensiveness. Giving each other room to be honest creates much more opportunity for genuine connection.

Weekly Marriage Tip:

The next time your spouse says no—or simply wants something different—notice your first reaction.

Before responding, ask yourself:

“Can I be disappointed without making my spouse responsible for fixing my disappointment?”

That little pause can change an entire conversation.

And if this is something that shows up in your marriage—especially around sex—listen to this week’s episode with Dan Purcell. We talk about shame, differentiation, sexual boundaries, knowing what you actually want, and how to create more freedom and connection in your marriage.