Telling Bedtime Stories

Some of my favorite bedtime stories as a child were those written by Hans Christian Anderson. I fondly remember my dad reading us The Ugly Duckling, The Princess and the Pea, and The Emperor’s New Clothes. I loved how each of these stories revealed something about the characters that I didn’t see at first. Maybe you liked bedtime stories too!

Now, as an adults, we often tell ourselves different kinds of bedtime stories. And we may even run to hide under the covers.

Do any of these sound familiar? “I’m not thin enough.” “I'm not good enough.” It’s my duty to please my spouse.” “I can’t tell them what I think about sex or they will reject me.”

Or any of these? “She’s not adventurous (or fill in the blank) enough.” “He’s too much sexually.” Or “I’m good, my spouse is bad.”

Sex therapist Dr. Jennifer Finlayson Fife, this week’s guest on Marriage iQ, provides a new paradigm for the way we see sex in marriage. What if sex doesn’t pit us against each other… or against ourselves… but rather, exposes us to parts of us that need growing up!

What if sex actually has the power to reveal to us, similarly to the stories I heard in childhood, how we can navigate differences better, use our agency more fully, and love more deeply?

Be sure to listen to the full episode where we also explore:

• How spirituality and sexuality can not only co-exist, but enhance each other.

• Why conflict about sex can help a marriage grow.

• How the stories we tell ourselves about sex and our spouse can actually sabotage our relationship.

• How sex can be a pathway to peace in our marriage.

Action Tip:

Instead of telling yourself bedtime “stories” this week, try having Bedtime Question Time.
Ask yourself, “ How do I think about myself as a sexual being? How do I feel in my body? How do I feel about pleasure? What did I learn from my family or faith about sex that keeps me stuck in fear or shame?”

Try exploring parts of your marital identity such as, “Who I am in my marriage relationship? Do I tell myself stories about my spouse that make them the villain? Are there meanings about sex that would be more appealing to me than the ones we both currently hold?”

What did these questions, and more from the episode, reveal about places you can grow up?

And one more thing… could we ask a favor of you this week? We are trying to grow our email list. If you find value in our weekly email tips, would you invite five of our friends to subscribe? Here is a link you can share!

Listen here on Spotify or watch the full episode on YouTube.

(FYI: we can’t share the YouTube link anymore… we found it was sending our emails to junk mail… but go to YT and search for Marriage iQ if you want to see some of the pictures and videos embedded into the episode).

If you have missed other Marriage iQ Weekly Tip emails, here is a link to catch up on them!