Seek First to Understand

I will never forget being in Portugal when Scott jumped out of the car to go explore the seashore a few hundred yards away faster than I did. I was putting on my shoes, and when I looked up, he was totally gone! I was standing in a parking lot with two homes between me and the sea beyond. No Scott anywhere!

First I explored the house on the right. The cat on the wall seemed to be evidence someone was living there, but I couldn’t find anyone. Then I walked to the second home. It was abandoned. Still no Scott.

I turned around to see an old man walking down the hill from his home at a rapid pace toward me! As the toothless man approached, he was passionately trying to tell me something.

I couldn’t understand one word.

With pointing and animated hand gestures, I picked up enough to get that he didn’t want me going to the houses. I pointed to the field with a gate in front as a possible way to the sea. He pointed to the lock on the gate and stood blocking it.

I was scared. What had happened to Scott? Was he in danger? Was I in danger?

I tried asking the man if he had seen my husband. I even tried pulling out Google Translate. He couldn’t read.

I started praying that somehow he could understand me. Maybe I should have prayed that I could understand him!

Several minutes later Scott appeared, having had quite an adventure wandering through the 1970s abandoned house. I was flooded with relief and frustration at the same time.

Isn’t marriage like this? We long to be understood. And often when we are trying to explain our position or what we need, it seems like our spouse is speaking a foreign language! Fear takes over. Conflict increases. We go in circles, having the same arguments over and over. It’s almost like trying to win rounds of a boxing match.

This week on Marriage iQ, we are joined by Raffi Bilek, therapist and author of The Couples Communication Handbook. He shares very simple communication steps to ending arguments and understanding each other more fully.

Action Tip:

For one conversation this week, don’t try to

• fix

• defend

• explain

• win

Instead, just ask “Help me understand how you are feeling about…”

Then:

• ask clarifying questions.

• reflect back what they just said to make sure you have it right.

• seek to understand.

Notice what happens to the negative energy between you.

What most of us want more than anything is to be understood by the person we love.

You won’t want to miss this episode to learn how!

Listen here on Spotify or watch on YouTube.

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