Resentment = Space Between Us

When I was conducting interviews for my PhD with women who were experiencing betrayal trauma, one woman who was still fighting for her marriage said something that has stayed with me.

Nicole (not her real name) said she could feel when there was a space between them.

I was impressed that she was cognizant of the space, how it hurt their marriage, and how it was an indicator that something more was going on that needed attention.

I was also impressed that she wanted to close the gap, even after being hurt time and again. Many of the women I interviewed felt so much resentment that repairing their marriage felt impossible. What was different about Nicole?

This week on Marriage iQ we talk about resentment, how it starts, why we get stuck in it, and why it is important to interrupt it.

I see plenty of clients and friends who resent their spouse… not just in betrayal circumstances but for lots of different reasons. And I don’t really blame them.

They have been hurt, their expectations of their spouse or the marriage have gone unfulfilled, or they feel unheard… for a long time.

Resentment doesn’t start with being angry. It starts with being hurt.

Until preparing for this week’s episode I didn’t really see it in us. But it’s there… quietly lying beneath the layers… having created a space between us at different times in our marriage. This week we vulnerably share some of our own experiences.

What I didn’t realize was that the resentment we felt was less about what our spouse was or wasn’t doing, and more about not taking action to repair wounds immediately.

And there’s more! (But you have to listen to the episode to find out!)

So you may be wondering… what made Nicole different? I have come to realize that after living with resentment for quite some time, she was eventually willing to sit in the discomfort required to face her resentment, see things from a different perspective, and take action.

If you have felt unheard, unappreciated, under valued, betrayed, or like you are carrying the bulk of the weight in your household, this week’s episode is for you!

Action Tip:

Honestly inspect your own life to identify times in your relationship you have felt resentment toward your spouse.

Was there a space between you caused by some kind of wounding that wasn’t talked about? Or action was never taken as a team to make changes?

Ask yourself, “Am I still feeling resentment about it? Did I shove it under the rug?”

And then ask yourself, “Am I courageous enough to face it today?”

You won’t want to miss this episode to learn how to move forward!

Listen here on Spotify or watch on YouTube.

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