Silent Expectations, Loud Resentment
Ever catch yourself thinking, “After everything I do for you, why can’t you just…?”
That’s a social contract—an unspoken deal your partner never signed.
Melissa Hapner put words to what so many couples feel: we often love in the way we want to be loved, then expect a matching deposit back. When it doesn’t arrive, we call it betrayal… but really, it was an assumption. Expectations quietly get promoted to “needs,” resentment builds, and connection erodes.
The fix isn’t lowering your standards; it’s making the contract visible—and taking radical responsibility for what’s yours.
Try this three-step reset:
Name the hidden contract.
“When I plan date night, I expect you to plan the next one.”Convert expectation into a request.
“Could you plan one date in the next two weeks? Pick anything—you decide.”Add self-sourced support.
“I’ll also text you two ideas so it’s easier to choose.”
Clarity beats mind-reading. Requests invite partnership; contracts demand repayment.
Action Tip:
What’s one hidden contract you’ve been carrying in your marriage—and how will you turn it into a clear request this week?
Write:
I expect…
I request…
I will… (one concrete thing you’ll do to support the request)
Share it with your spouse during a 10-minute, phones-down check-in. Then put the commitment on a shared calendar.
Tune into Episode 93 of Marriage IQ to learn more!
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