Episode 65. The 3 Best Communication Tools for a More Connected Marriage
How to Start Communicating Better in Your Marriage
Effective communication is the cornerstone of a thriving marriage, yet many couples struggle to express themselves clearly and connect deeply with their partners. As researchers and educators studying couples' dynamics, we've observed how communication barriers can quietly erode trust, intimacy, and long-term satisfaction. But here's the good news: communication struggles don’t have to be the end of connection—they can be the beginning of growth.
Why Words Matter More Than We Think
Research shows that the ability to express your emotions precisely isn’t just helpful—it’s transformative. A 2021 study in BMC Women’s Health found that women who were taught to use more specific language for their emotions experienced lower levels of marital burnout. Why? Because when we name what we feel clearly, our partner is more likely to understand—and respond in a meaningful way.
That’s the heart of healthy communication: being heard and understood.
Take Jessica and Aaron, for example. After ten years of marriage, they found themselves stuck in a cycle of short tempers and silent treatments. Jessica would say, “I’m just tired,” but Aaron heard, “I don’t want to deal with you.” It wasn’t until they started identifying and sharing more specific feelings—like “I’m feeling emotionally drained from work and need time to reset”—that their conversations started leading to comfort instead of conflict.
Three Game-Changing Tools to Strengthen Your Connection
While there’s no quick fix for communication breakdowns, there are tools that make a big difference. In our recent episode of the Marriage iQ podcast, we introduced three of our favorite research-informed strategies that can help couples connect more deeply, navigate conflict with confidence, and stay emotionally attuned in daily life.
We don’t want to spoil them all here (you’ll find the details in the episode and the free download), but we can say this: each tool gives you a clear framework for building safer, more satisfying conversations. Whether you’re trying to reconnect after a tough week or bring up a difficult topic, these tools can serve as the scaffolding for stronger communication.
We’ve seen it work firsthand. One couple we worked with started using one of the tools during their nightly walk. Instead of jumping straight into problem-solving or venting, they each took a few minutes to reflect and share intentionally. “It felt awkward at first,” the wife admitted. “But after a few days, I felt closer to him than I had in months.”
Ready to Try One?
If you’re looking to improve how you and your partner communicate, here are a few steps to help you get started:
Expand your emotional vocabulary. Don’t settle for “mad” or “fine.” Use an emotion wheel or feelings list to find more accurate words.
Practice active listening. Slow down. Really hear what your partner is saying—before planning your response.
Choose one tool. Pick one technique and try using it consistently for a week. You’ll be surprised how much clarity and connection it brings.
Make it a habit. Whether it’s a daily five-minute check-in or a weekly deep-dive, building a rhythm helps.
Reach out for support. Sometimes tools aren’t enough on their own. If you need help applying them, a marriage counselor can walk with you.
Get the Full Breakdown
We dive deeper into each tool—complete with examples and real-life stories—in our Marriage IQ episode on communication. Plus, we’ve created a free downloadable PDF to walk you through the three tools step-by-step.
Listen to the episode 65 and grab your free download at MarriageIQ.com
Because communication isn’t about saying more—it’s about saying it better, and in a way your partner can truly hear.
Let’s build something stronger, one conversation at a time.
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Welcome to Marriage iQ, the podcast for the intelligent spouse.[00:00:08 - 00:00:10]
I'm Dr. Heidi Hastings.[00:00:10 - 00:00:12]
And I'm Dr. Scott Hastings.[00:00:13 - 00:00:46]
We are two doctors, two researchers, two spouses, two lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose. To transform the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun. Hello, lovers, and welcome back to another exciting episode of Marriage iq. We're really happy to have you with us today. And my soundboard guy, I love that button. I am so happy that he's here sitting by my side.[00:00:47 - 00:00:50]
It makes me feel like there's a lot of people who like us.[00:00:52 - 00:01:01]
Hey, Scott. I've noticed a lot of the people I talked to lately bring up that they really struggle with communication with their spouse.[00:01:02 - 00:01:03]
It's a big one.[00:01:03 - 00:01:24]
Now, when we hear that often, I know there are some deeper things going on, and that takes a while to dive into. But today I was thinking maybe we could talk about communication and give some of our best communication tools to help people get a jump start on being able to communicate even if there are some deeper issues.[00:01:25 - 00:01:28]
That's a great idea, honey. I wish I would have thought of that.[00:01:30 - 00:01:47]
Well, I'm glad you listen to me sometimes. That shows active listening is a very important part of communication. I think we've definitely had times in our own relationship where communication has been a big issue. I say something, and what you hear is totally different.[00:01:48 - 00:01:48]
Yeah.[00:01:48 - 00:01:53]
We interpret what people say through lenses of our own experience.[00:01:53 - 00:01:55]
We put our own little spin on it, don't we?[00:01:55 - 00:02:13]
Yep, we do. Scott, have you had experiences where you've felt like that you had difficulty communicating your perspective? Because you seem to me to be very confident in your speaking and to always seem to have the right words to say. And I feel like I struggle a lot with communication.[00:02:13 - 00:02:22]
Yeah, well, I mean, you hit on a couple of things here. One. One is proper understanding of what the other person's trying to say.[00:02:22 - 00:02:23]
Right.[00:02:23 - 00:02:59]
Understanding it in the way that it was meant to be said. And secondly, finding the correct, precise words to express your feelings or emotions most closely. I. I do have difficulty finding the right words to. To express exactly how I feel. It just. It's so easy to go back to the default emotions. Right. Default feelings, I should say. I feel angry. I feel excited.[00:02:59 - 00:03:01]
I mean, that's just very, very basic ones.[00:03:01 - 00:03:07]
That's not. That's not bad in of itself. And for somebody who's starting out, that's expected.[00:03:08 - 00:03:11]
And better than not sharing how you feel.[00:03:11 - 00:03:18]
Right. We need to get that feeling going Talking about that feeling. So that's a great start.[00:03:18 - 00:03:18]
Yeah.[00:03:19 - 00:03:45]
At the same time, it may not be specific to the exact way I'm feeling. I might feel angry, but what I'm feeling is more betrayed. And that's a different word that expresses different meaning. And so the more we can drill down on our feelings, the more accurately we can express ourselves to other people.[00:03:46 - 00:03:47]
And to our spouse.[00:03:48 - 00:03:53]
So we talked a little bit about this back in episode 39, taming emotional triggers.[00:03:53 - 00:03:53]
Yeah.[00:03:53 - 00:04:13]
And that's really talking about these basic I feel statements that's fundamental, necessary for a scintillating marriage. Today we're going to go a little deeper on that and being more specific on words we use and communication tools that we use.[00:04:13 - 00:04:22]
Yeah, we have three that we're going to share today. We've shared some in the past, but we have three really good ones today that are some of our favorites.[00:04:22 - 00:04:31]
Yeah, these are great. You know, Heidi, some people, they're just naturally better, just good at coming up with words that are descriptive.[00:04:31 - 00:04:37]
I think that's you. That's so funny to me that you said you don't always feel like you can.[00:04:37 - 00:05:43]
Well, I'm working on it, and I appreciate that. You know, and research shows that those who are able to find words that best express their lived experiences and feelings tend to have more success in life than those who don't. Better lives, better marriages, higher life satisfaction. So people who are best able to identify a word, that precise word that describes how they feel, they have higher emotional intelligence, higher marital satisfaction. For example, a 2021 study by Jafari and BMC Women's Health, it was on married women, and they had a control and a. An experimental side. And it revealed that educational interventions that helped teach women to speak more specifically, the words that best fit their feelings and emotions had lower marital burnout scores.[00:05:43 - 00:06:05]
So you're telling me if I sign up for a communication class that it helps me be able to identify my feelings, that I'm not going to be so burned out in marriage? Because my assumption is because the words I'm using get my message across and I'm not beating my head against the wall wondering why my spouse and I are speaking two totally different languages.[00:06:05 - 00:06:20]
Yeah, that's part of it. So your spouse can better understand, but also that you can better understand. Okay, now you have a word for that feeling that's powerful. Instead of just going around angry. I don't even know why I'm angry.[00:06:20 - 00:06:20]
Okay.[00:06:20 - 00:06:27]
Really? You have a specific descriptive word that best describes how you're Feeling at that moment. At that moment.[00:06:27 - 00:06:29]
That means doing some brain workout.[00:06:30 - 00:07:11]
That's right. Another study by Maccas revealed that the ease of emotional expression, AKA specific word finding that expresses exactly how you feel, led to more resilience and social support and higher life satisfaction. And those three kind of played on each other. Resilience, somebody who's. Who just looks at life with a resilient mindset and those who have a social support network together with that emotional expressive intelligence led to that higher life satisfaction.[00:07:12 - 00:07:30]
I can see how some of the tools we're going to be using today are maybe not a class, but they provide exercises for us to be able to start verbalizing our feelings using words that we have a hard time recalling to our mind at the moment that we need them.[00:07:30 - 00:07:41]
Yeah. So there's a fascinating article by Gina Barreca, writing for Psychology Today, talked about Scheidenfreude. I practice that.[00:07:41 - 00:07:42]
Look at your German.[00:07:43 - 00:07:48]
I practiced that 10 times and I still slaughtered it. Schadenfreude.[00:07:48 - 00:07:51]
Scheiden Freude. That's not slaughtering it. That was pretty good.[00:07:51 - 00:08:01]
So what does schaden, what does it mean? What is Scheiner Freude? It's when you feel glee at somebody else's humiliation, unhappiness, or failure.[00:08:02 - 00:08:05]
That's terrible, but it happens.[00:08:05 - 00:08:24]
Let me give you context to this word. The author who is great, she talked about in seventh grade, she had a crush on this boy and she just was totally in love with this boy and he did not reciprocate and ended up dating another girl.[00:08:24 - 00:08:27]
I have personal experience with that.[00:08:28 - 00:08:30]
And toward the end, it's a little.[00:08:30 - 00:08:32]
Later than seventh grade, but yeah, toward.[00:08:32 - 00:09:00]
The end of the year, this other girl dumped the boy and she went to her teacher who was very wise and said, let's help you figure out what you're feeling. And scheidenfreude is a term that exactly defines how she was feeling glee at somebody else's humiliation, unhappiness, or failure because.[00:09:00 - 00:09:03]
The other girl dumped because he got dumped.[00:09:05 - 00:09:06]
All's fair and love and war.[00:09:07 - 00:09:16]
Yeah, seventh grade for a cheerleader. And was longing for that experience, but it didn't quite happen for a few years.[00:09:16 - 00:09:22]
Yeah, I never was dumped because the girls didn't really like me in the first place, so I never really got to experience.[00:09:23 - 00:09:28]
That's not totally true. You were so cute, but you bloomed in college.[00:09:29 - 00:09:46]
You know another author who's really big on this, Jordan Peterson in his 12 Rules for Life. He's very specific in his language. I like his Example, communicating in very specific terms, trying to avoid generalities when you speak.[00:09:47 - 00:10:11]
And, you know, it's really easy to sling mud when. When we are not intentional about the way that we communicate. All we know is we're feeling flooded. And the best way to get out of that is to pull up things from the past or to react over emotionally. And that's common in a lot of marriages. It's been common in our marriages.[00:10:11 - 00:10:18]
If you don't know what to say, if you don't know what you're feeling, that overreaction is going to happen more often.[00:10:18 - 00:10:32]
Right. And I think as I've learned more about emotional intelligence and emotional control and the way the brain works, it's been easier to control my emotions and use those words.[00:10:33 - 00:10:38]
We're going to teach you today specific things you can do right now.[00:10:38 - 00:11:52]
Yeah. And these three tools are really just scaffolding. You get to build the castle on your own, but the scaffolding, you know, you're putting in your own experiences, your own circumstances, but the scaffolding being there helps. And each of them we use an acronym for. So the first tool that I wanted to share with you, we call the RDA Communication Tool. And this is a really simple but powerful framework that's designed to help improve listening, emotional connection, and conversational depth in relationships. So if you're communicating at a very shallow level and it feels like there's just not much depth to your relationship at all, this is a really good tool. RDA stands for Reaffirm, Discuss, and Ask. So this isn't a tool that's widely published in academic fields or in therapeutic fields, but it is very simple and very practical. I read some places that it was used initially in the healthcare field to help people understand each other, make sure that they were on the same page with things.[00:11:52 - 00:11:55]
But I can see that as a doctor patient.[00:11:55 - 00:12:44]
Yeah. So if you're saying something to your spouse and what you get is crickets, this might be a tool that you'll employ. First of all, if your spouse has said something to you, instead of you reflecting back crickets, reflect back what they said to you. Rephrase it in a way that shows you listened to what they said and you truly heard them. This might include summarizing what they said or clarifying or validating their thoughts and feelings. Validating. Just meaning. Yeah, I get what you're saying. I hear it. That could be something like, ah, it sounds like you felt really overwhelmed at work today, Scott, and you just needed a break when you got home. That makes sense.[00:12:45 - 00:12:59]
So just simply rephrasing what they said. Reaffirm or rephrase will feel validated just by simply repeating what they told you, maybe in your own words. That's a form of validation.[00:12:59 - 00:13:45]
That's exactly it. So the next thing you're going to do is add to what they say. And this is the d. The discussion. We're going to have a discussion about it, I might add. My own perspective. I just barely rephrased what he said, told him I understood that he'd had a tough day at work today. So from my own perspective, you know, it seems to me like things have gotten pretty stressful at work for you lately. I wonder if we could have some kind of a break for you when you first come home where we go on a walk together or give you an opportunity to talk about things. This helps keep the conversational dynamic going and helps us stay connected and it continues to help validate him.[00:13:45 - 00:14:05]
So with this added perspective, you're rephrasing what I'm saying and then you're adding a new perspective. Hey, I've noticed lately that you're coming home quite a bit. Feeling. Feeling down, feeling just exhausted. That's powerful. That's magical.[00:14:07 - 00:14:24]
That was good. And we also could. I could share some of my own experience with it here. I've been feeling really overwhelmed too lately with my workload. Maybe we're just both maxed out and we need to take a look at what we can take off our plate.[00:14:25 - 00:14:29]
And notice that you're not saying, hey, you think you've got it bad, right?[00:14:29 - 00:14:30]
Buck up, buster.[00:14:30 - 00:14:39]
You're saying, hey, I'm feeling this way too. Let's get together and however that song goes.[00:14:39 - 00:15:19]
Yeah. Okay, so the third step of this tool is then to ask an open ended question that is. Is follow up to what we just were talking about that deepened that dialogue we were having. Or it could be something that will allow your spouse to allow Scott to share more emotionally with me. So what do you think could help support you better right now? Or can you help me brainstorm some ways that we could work together to lighten your load at work or to leave a time for you to just.[00:15:20 - 00:15:25]
Release kind of open ended question. Right? Curiosity. Yeah, that's great.[00:15:26 - 00:15:41]
So it's very quick. RDA reaffirm or repeat what they're saying is maybe even an easier word, discuss. Where you're adding your perspective and your perspective can't be. Well, in my perspective, you're just lazy.[00:15:41 - 00:15:43]
Right? You want to be curious.[00:15:43 - 00:15:55]
I've told you 20 times to fire that person at work. Now this is a time of support where we're supporting each other. And then ask an open ended question. So what would you think of this?[00:15:55 - 00:16:05]
So I think it works in marriage. It helps build an emotional safety around each other by showing your partner that they're really heard and understood.[00:16:05 - 00:16:06]
Right.[00:16:06 - 00:16:14]
Listening and validating kind of deepens the intimacy through shared vulnerability and thoughtful responses.[00:16:14 - 00:16:14]
Yeah.[00:16:14 - 00:16:15]
Each other.[00:16:15 - 00:16:19]
Yeah. I think it also encourages us to both be curious with each other.[00:16:19 - 00:16:20]
I love that word.[00:16:21 - 00:16:21]
Yep.[00:16:21 - 00:16:28]
That's a word that I want to go on my tombstone. He was curious.[00:16:28 - 00:16:44]
Well, and this can then play over and over with the other partner following those same things. If I'm talking about things to build upon what you're saying, you can also ask me questions. So the conversation isn't just one sided.[00:16:44 - 00:16:45]
That's curiosity.[00:16:45 - 00:16:51]
Yeah. From both sides. So the conversation really becomes meaningful, not transactional.[00:16:51 - 00:16:55]
What's an example, Heidi, that you can use? A real world example.[00:16:56 - 00:17:24]
So an example might be when I've been out of town taking care of my parents, or when we've had kids here in town with us, or we've got some big assignment that we're working on, some big response responsibility that we feel like we've become disconnected. So I might say something like, Scott, I feel like we're really disconnected lately with how busy life's been. All right, now here comes the rda. Let's see how you would handle it.[00:17:24 - 00:17:30]
Scott, so what I hear you saying is you've been feeling a little disconnected.[00:17:30 - 00:17:32]
Yeah. Do you feel that way too?[00:17:32 - 00:17:38]
Yes, I do. Wow. We're both feeling this way. Let's talk about it.[00:17:39 - 00:17:43]
Ah, that's really great. Okay, so that's the discuss.[00:17:43 - 00:17:46]
Do you feel like this is something bigger going on with our lives?[00:17:46 - 00:17:56]
Ah, that's really good. That's a great ask right there because that gives me the opportunity to open up and tell him more about how I feel. That's great.[00:17:56 - 00:17:57]
Thank you.[00:17:57 - 00:18:08]
Simple. All right, let's move on to tool number two then, Dear Man. Yep. Our family's been doing this Strategy for almost 10 years.[00:18:08 - 00:18:14]
We paid a hundred thousand dollars to learn, Dear Man. That's another story for another day.[00:18:14 - 00:18:18]
Not intentionally, but this is from an investment that we made.[00:18:19 - 00:18:22]
Thousand dollars. And you're getting it.[00:18:22 - 00:19:03]
This is what we got from it for free. So, Dear man is a proven communication strategy that's part of dialectical behavioral therapy, or you might have heard of that called DBT. It was developed by Dr. Marsha Linehand. And again, it's D E, A, R, M, A, N. And I'll explain what that is in just a minute. And it helps you ask for what you need. Or it can also help you set a boundary that's clear, and you can set that boundary in a respectful way without escalating into conflict. So this is a tool that we use most often when there's some conflict.[00:19:04 - 00:19:10]
Yes, usually it's pretty. Yes. Pretty substantial conflict.[00:19:11 - 00:19:33]
So it is especially helpful, though, in marriage when emotions are running really high or you feel like your needs are being unmet. So think of Dear man as a script, a respectful kind of a script or a recipe that helps you get your point across without bulldozing over the other person or silencing yourself and bottling it up.[00:19:34 - 00:19:35]
Scaffolding.[00:19:35 - 00:19:56]
You just get frustrated. So this tool is ideal for those really tough conversations about parenting, about sex, about in laws, about finances, any of those issues where tension really tends to rise. So the D is you're going to describe what you want as clearly as possible.[00:19:57 - 00:20:02]
Don't try to remember this, by the way, Dear Man. It's too big. Just remember, Dear man, we'll put all.[00:20:02 - 00:20:17]
Of these as PDFs on our freebies on MarriageIQ.com so you can go there and get little PDFs for each of these tools. Okay, so, E is we're going to be expressive, but we're not going to be overly emotional.[00:20:17 - 00:20:18]
Amen.[00:20:18 - 00:20:51]
A, we're going to be assertive, but not aggressive. So, see, all of these things are kept in check. R, we're going to reinforce our perspective and make sure that it's heard and understood by our partner. M, we're going to stay mindful. A, we're going to appear confident. We're not being a victim. We're confident in explaining our perspective. And then N. This is really a good way to negotiate. So, Scott, tell us how it works.[00:20:51 - 00:20:56]
All right, we're going to sit facing together, knee to knee, just like this.[00:20:56 - 00:21:09]
So we're going to move our mics a little bit so we can do it. If you're watching us on video, you can see a little bit. We don't cross our arms because we don't want to appear closed off. Send the message to our partner that we're closed off.[00:21:09 - 00:21:14]
So, again, this is. This is a more serious issue that needs to be discussed that could be triggering.[00:21:15 - 00:21:15]
Right?[00:21:15 - 00:21:15]
Right.[00:21:15 - 00:21:24]
But when you start practicing this, we encourage you to start with something that's a little less serious, so you practice it a few times before you bring up the more serious topics.[00:21:25 - 00:21:28]
Okay, well, we're gonna do a benign one? I think so.[00:21:28 - 00:21:29]
What's step two?[00:21:30 - 00:21:33]
Think of a recurring problem that could be used for this practice.[00:21:33 - 00:21:34]
Okay.[00:21:34 - 00:22:04]
And step three, we follow this script or this recipe. So spouse one, in this case, it's going to be me. I say these words when you blank, blank. Do whatever you do. I feel blank. Whatever. My feeling is the story I tell myself is blank. This is a story I'm telling myself in my head.[00:22:04 - 00:22:04]
Mm.[00:22:05 - 00:22:09]
In a perfect world, I would see blank happen.[00:22:10 - 00:22:52]
Easy, easy peasy. And my job is just to repeat what I heard him say, which means I really need to be listening. I don't have to use his exact words. I can if I want to, but I really need to be paying attention, be present, be mindful to make sure that I clearly understand what he said. So I say what I just heard you saying is when I blank, you feel blank. And it could be one or two or three different emotions. The story you tell yourself is blank. In a perfect world, I would blank right. Did I get that right?[00:22:54 - 00:22:57]
Yes or no, Depending on if you got it right or not.[00:22:57 - 00:23:00]
Okay. Is there anything else?[00:23:00 - 00:23:03]
And then I can tell her if there's anything else.[00:23:03 - 00:23:12]
Add. Add something as I repeated it. That will help clarify. All right, so let's go. We're gonna. We're gonna show you an example here.[00:23:12 - 00:23:20]
Okay. You ready? Yes. All right. We're letting you in our lives here, so tread lightly, people. All right. Heidi?[00:23:21 - 00:23:21]
Yes.[00:23:23 - 00:24:29]
When you are down on yourself because of things that you're not sure of in your. In your research, in your professional life, I feel confused. The story that I tell myself is that you don't think that you're good enough to be a PhD. You don't feel like you're good enough to be a podcaster or an author. In a perfect world, you would see how much work you had to do to get a PhD. That is tremendous. Years of studying non stop and researching to do groundbreaking research on women and betrayal trauma, and you would see that as being an expert and you'd be confident in yourself.[00:24:33 - 00:25:15]
This is an emotional topic for me, which, to be honest with you, dear man, often brings some crying. There is in the many years that we've done this. This is this way. So, Scott, what I hear you saying is, when I feel not confident in myself, you feel confused. Can't understand why I'm feeling this way after the investment that I've put into being able to learn and grow. The story you tell yourself is. Can you repeat the story?[00:25:15 - 00:25:22]
The story that I tell myself is that you feel like you're less than. You feel like you're defective, that you can't do this.[00:25:23 - 00:25:28]
The story that you tell yourself is that I feel defective. I feel like I'm not good enough.[00:25:29 - 00:25:29]
Right.[00:25:29 - 00:25:42]
Okay. In a perfect world, I would realize that I have the tools that I need. I have the knowledge that I need to move forward with confidence. Is that right?[00:25:42 - 00:25:54]
Largely, I think. I mean, a lot of people don't get a PhD and I think that's something to be very proud of and be confident about.[00:25:56 - 00:25:58]
Kay, is there more?[00:25:59 - 00:26:09]
Not really. That's just the feelings I have. I feel very confused. So. Okay, that's it.[00:26:09 - 00:26:56]
Now, at that point, I can just leave the conversation. And that gives him the opportunity to get out the fact that he feels confused. So let me just say we could then talk about some things that either I can do to help him not feel confused, or we can talk about things that will help me not feel the way that I feel. You know, we could also use that same tool for talking about household chores division, for that. A lot of things like that. This is something that's deeper. Right. This can also be used in a different way. And I want to show you what that might look like. Okay. Scott?[00:26:57 - 00:26:57]
Yes.[00:26:57 - 00:28:04]
When you see that I'm overwhelmed and that I'm really struggling with learning new things constantly, and you act on that by taking over a lot of the things that I typically would do because I work from home, like doing the dinner, doing dishes, making arrangements with kids, lightening my burden. I feel so much appreciation. I feel relief. I feel like the burden is unraveling, that you're doing something for me that I can't do for myself. The story I tell myself is that I am so blessed to have a partner who can see and recognize in a perfect world, you would understand that sometimes when I'm grumpy, this is truly at the root of how I feel about you.[00:28:04 - 00:28:05]
Okay.[00:28:06 - 00:28:12]
And that I'm speaking more out of stress than I am out of criticism.[00:28:13 - 00:28:44]
Okay. Heidi, when I noticed that you are overwhelmed and stressed with all this work that you have to do, and I pitch in and do dishes, make dinner, etc. You feel appreciated. And what other word did you use?[00:28:44 - 00:28:45]
Relief.[00:28:45 - 00:29:02]
Relieved. That's it. The story that you tell yourself is that I am. I don't remember the story that you're telling yourself, but I'm just.[00:29:02 - 00:29:10]
I'm very lucky. I'm very blessed, okay. To have a partner who at times is very observant of my.[00:29:10 - 00:29:15]
Okay. The story that you tell yourself is that you have a great husband who looks out for you.[00:29:15 - 00:29:15]
Yeah.[00:29:15 - 00:29:24]
In a perfect world, I would see that you always feel that way, but sometimes you have a hard time showing it.[00:29:25 - 00:29:26]
Yeah.[00:29:26 - 00:29:26]
Is that correct?[00:29:27 - 00:29:27]
Right.[00:29:27 - 00:29:28]
Okay.[00:29:28 - 00:29:30]
Especially when stress is really high.[00:29:30 - 00:29:31]
Is there anything else?[00:29:34 - 00:29:37]
No. Okay, that's good. All right.[00:29:37 - 00:29:38]
All right.[00:29:38 - 00:30:28]
So that's a different way that we don't use as often, but we also do this with our family from time to time. And one time we. We did that, and every person in the family chose the same person who was kind of struggling, and every person in the family showed support for her for recognizing all the things that she does. So not only can this be used for avoiding conflict, it can also be used for showing support and love and helping our partner and helping our kids or whoever we use it with. Know the depths of our heart.[00:30:28 - 00:30:33]
Yeah. It doesn't have to be all negative. It can be very positive, and that can be very emotional.[00:30:33 - 00:31:15]
Right. So that one's always an emotional one, and that's the only one that's emotional. Typically. This last one is just a very quick one. It's called Thanos. And Thanos is a powerful research informed communication tool that was developed by marriage and family therapist Debbie Lasser to help foster intimacy and emotional safety. So, yes, this is a big, huge tool that helps us become more intimate with each other. The word Thanos is Greek for to shed light on, and it helps us be accountable. It helps us see the depths of each other's thinking, and that is what creates emotional intimacy.[00:31:17 - 00:31:20]
And it's another acronym. And you can remember this one because it's short.[00:31:20 - 00:31:48]
It's just a quick five minute check in that we can do every day. Every day during breakfast, as we go on a walk, at night, in bed, before we go to sleep, however you want to do it. We mostly do it on a walk at night or right before sleep, but it's really great. And each letter represents a core area of emotional intimacy. So F. Feeling share one genuine emotion that you've experienced that day.[00:31:49 - 00:31:51]
I feel relaxed.[00:31:51 - 00:31:54]
Yeah. Or I feel overwhelmed.[00:31:56 - 00:32:08]
And a. Appreciation. Express something you genuinely appreciate about your spouse. I appreciate that you made lunch for me today.[00:32:09 - 00:32:14]
I appreciate that you got everything set up to record the podcast.[00:32:16 - 00:32:16]
Okay.[00:32:17 - 00:32:33]
N. What is it that I need? You name a need that you have, big or small. You don't do it by blaming, and you don't do it by demanding, but you simply express a need. I need more sleep.[00:32:34 - 00:32:38]
Yep. It can be an ask. I need you to.[00:32:39 - 00:33:02]
I Need more. So o is ownership. And this is where we acknowledge something that we could have done better without making any excuses. I own that I was really out of line today when I got on you for not carrying your weight in our household chores.[00:33:02 - 00:33:07]
I own that I was short with you this morning in our discussion.[00:33:08 - 00:33:10]
You're taking ownership, you're not making excuses.[00:33:11 - 00:33:17]
And s success Share a recent win, invite, support celebration.[00:33:18 - 00:33:20]
Yeah. What's something really great that happened today?[00:33:20 - 00:33:26]
My success is I made it throughout the day without yelling at anyone.[00:33:27 - 00:33:29]
Okay, that's fine.[00:33:29 - 00:33:30]
What's your success?[00:33:31 - 00:34:14]
My success is that I woke up very early around 6 o' clock and watched the sunrise and spent time being mindful. So I feel like that helped me be more mindful throughout the day and more patient. So whether this, like we said, is done nightly before bed or in the morning with breakfast or on a walk together, it can really help you stay emotionally attuned to each other and reduce resentment. And I think for women, especially Scott, it helps us express what our needs are. I think often we spend so much time caring for the members of our family and think less about expressing our own needs that this is really helpful.[00:34:14 - 00:34:23]
Yeah. Especially good for women who may have problems with that. We do this on our nightly walk. We have a time and a place that we do it every day.[00:34:23 - 00:34:25]
Yeah, you could do it after you brush your teeth.[00:34:26 - 00:34:59]
So let's talk about solutions you can do this week. Let's take time to sit with yourself this week. We ask you to sit with yourself a lot on this podcast, so get used to it. Evaluate the most common feelings you had this week, see if you can start labeling them and then further refining them. You can use Google or Chat GPT or the Emotions or Feelings wheel to help find those words so you can better, more accurately describe how you feel.[00:35:00 - 00:35:18]
Yeah. Then I think we'd love to have you practice at least one of the three techniques that we discussed today. Rda, Deer, man, or Thanos. They're all really great. They all are used in different circumstances and they all will help improve the communication within your marriage.[00:35:19 - 00:35:39]
And I think this really hits a lot on intentionality today. Just being intentional about this framework of communication. And that does require insight too. The more that we can find words that describe better what we feel, that gives us more power, more insight, which then leads to more intimacy with our spouse.[00:35:40 - 00:35:47]
That's great. So thanks for being with us today, everyone. This is a wrap for this episode of Marriage iq.[00:35:48 - 00:35:53]
Remember, an intelligent spouse knows a scintillating marriage starts with changing themselves.[00:35:54 - 00:35:58]
You want some more? Follow Marriage IQ on Instagram, Facebook, and.[00:35:58 - 00:36:04]
YouTube and grab your free ebook and sign up for exclusive tips@marriageiq.com and then.[00:36:04 - 00:36:08]
Invite your friends and family to join the Marriage IQ community, too.[00:36:09 - 00:36:13]
And we'll see you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage iq.
