Episode 95. Our Best Date Night Ideas and Giveaway
Why Date Nights Matter More Than You Think
For more than thirty years, Scott and I have had a standing Friday-night date. We’ve gone through seasons of diapers, residency schedules, medical on-calls, tight budgets, and cross-country moves but the ritual never left. Sometimes we splurged on dessert in a fancy rotating restaurant. Other times, we split a $10 entrée and strolled through a bookstore. The magic wasn’t in the money it was in the intentionality.
Research from the National Marriage Project confirms what we’ve experienced firsthand: couples who regularly spend time alone together report higher satisfaction, better communication, and greater sexual connection than those who don’t. Simply put, date nights are not a luxury they’re relationship maintenance.
What the Research Says About Date Night 💡
Weekly couple time = stronger marriages. Couples who set aside at least one date night per week report higher relationship quality and lower odds of divorce than those who don’t prioritize one-on-one time.
Only about half of couples do it regularly. In a 2023 update, just 48% of married couples said they go on regular date nights, yet those who do are 14–15 percentage points more likely to say they’re “very happy” in marriage. They’re also more likely to say divorce is “not at all likely” (63% vs. 49% for wives; 60% vs. 47% for husbands).
It pays off when kids are little. Using longitudinal data, one analysis found that having date nights when children are age 3–5 reduced the risk of splitting up by about 20% later on.
Novel = nourishing. Studies rooted in the self-expansion model show that doing new, exciting activities together (think: trying something you’ve never done) boosts relationship satisfaction by combating boredom and increasing closeness exactly what thoughtfully planned dates can do.
Desire gets a lift when you’re intentional. Reports also link regular date nights with greater sexual satisfaction, not just general happiness.
Date Nights Marriage iQ Style
How can you use date nights to incorporate the four cornerstones we teach at Marriage iQ?
Identity – Getting to know yourself and your spouse all over again. Try a Then-and-Now Photo Adventure: recreate one of your early photos together and talk about how you’ve grown individually and as a couple.
Intentionality – Living by design, not by default. Plan a Yes Day where one spouse plans the adventure and the other says yes to every idea (within reason!).
Insight – Dig deeper into each other’s inner world. Download Dr. John Gottman’s Card Deck app and let the questions guide you into meaningful conversation instead of defaulting to talk about work or kids.
Intimacy – The heart of it all. Beyond physical closeness, intimacy is about emotional presence and play. Light a candle, cook together blindfolded, or re-enact your first kiss (awkward laughter encouraged).
Whether you’re newlyweds or thirty years in, these four dimensions create what we call a scintillating marriage one that sparkles with curiosity, humor, and soul-deep connection.
Schedule your next date night today.
Pick one cornerstone Identity, Intentionality, Insight, or Intimacy and plan a date that strengthens it. Write it on your calendar in ink, not pencil. Treat it like the most important meeting of your week because it is.
Win a Date Night on Us!
To celebrate couples who are investing in connection, Marriage IQ is giving away five $100 gift cards for you to use on your next date night dinner, concert, or adventure of your choice. Enter by subscribing to our Marriage IQ Weekly Tips at MarriageIQ.com. You’ll get one-minute marriage insights each week plus actionable tips you can practice together.
Because the best marriages aren’t built in grand gestures they’re built one Friday night at a time.
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0:02
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.I'm Heidi Hastings.And I'm Scott Hastings.We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose, to change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.
0:32
Hello everyone and thank you for choosing to listen to Marriage IQ every week for lessons.Not just marriage lessons, but language lessons.You might ask what kind of language?Well, the language of love.
0:49
We here at the Hastings Institute for Advanced Marital Studies teach language lessons to create your own life together as husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded with all the hard work that is required to create that scintillating life.
1:08
It's also nice to be able to just let down and relax sometimes, right?And that's what we are doing today.We've talked Heidi a lot about in the past about the date nights, but not specifically.They didn't get their own episode and.
1:26
Yeah, we're really excited.We feel so passionately about date nights because I would say you told me if you think the same, that it's probably one of the top three things that we've instituted in our marriage to keep us very aligned, to keep us from moving into that roommate syndrome.
1:44
That so many people that we know are living just separate lives, staying in the same place.I think both you and I look forward so much to date nights, on Friday nights that it is exciting to think I can just trudge through one more day and then we'll be together and we're going to do something really fun, really connecting.
2:05
Yeah, I feel the same way.Yep.Certainly, you know, date nights are not just a good idea, they are also vital, as you were saying, to creating and maintaining that scintillating marriage.And we kind of want to peel off the layers today and allow you a peek into our own lives, what we've learned about our own date nights over the past 30 years.
2:32
And I'll tell you, over 30 years of dating, they haven't gotten boring.We keep doing.Different things to do.So you're going to learn a little bit about what we do.You may do something different, that's totally fine.But what we're just trying to do is give you some ideas, some new perspectives, you know, and we also want to dive deeper on why date nights in general are just so important and why do we keep doing it.
3:01
These are all great questions, so stick around and find out.But we have some really exciting news for you now too.Do you want to win a date night with your honey on us?Marriage IQ is giving away $100.00 gift card so you can use for your favorite restaurant, concert, whatever you want.
3:22
For five lucky couples.Yes, 5 couples.We know we are a little different.Most podcasts want your attention.We do too, but we want to reward you for it.Yeah.And because we feel so strongly about date nights, we want you to feel the excitement about date nights that we have.
3:46
Heidi, how did they enter?All right.That's a great question.So just go to marriageiq.com and if you go to weekly tips, you can see all of the tips that we've put on there every week for the last several weeks.But there should be a pop up right there that says, would you like to subscribe?
4:03
These just take one minute to read and they also have an action tip included with it.So on your date night, you and your honey can practice whatever it is that we've been talking about in that week's episode.And that's it.You subscribe and you're automatically entered to win.
4:20
So we will do a random drawing from within that group of subscribers and then let you know who the winner is.So get your spouse to subscribe as well.That double s your chances.That double s your chances.Are you already subscribed to the Marriage IQ Weekly Tips?
4:37
You're already in the drawing.Then, as Heidi said, we randomly pick 5 lucky people from our e-mail list.Entries close on November 18th, 2025 and winners will be announced by November 28th.So don't wait.
4:53
Head on over to marriageiq.com.Subscribe.Let us treat you to dinner.If the winners will share photos with us, we will post that on our social media to let other Marriage IQ listeners know what fun ideas there are for dating your spouse.
5:09
That's a great idea honey.I think anyone winning or not, if they could just post videos to Instagram or whatever social media they have.Something that we inspired you to do with your spouse?Yeah.
5:25
And send us a copy and we send us a.Copy and we.Will post some of those that we think are really great on our marriage IQ social media.So it's date night.We are very intentional about our dating.From the beginning.It was a priority from day one and we kind of said, you know, this is who we are.
5:43
We are daters.We are.Invested in our relationship I.Was thinking about this, there's a lot of years behind me and I just thinking as a college student.But we're not old.We're not old.Of course not.We're very young.
5:58
There's just.A lot of years behind me as a college student, you know, a medical student is grueling, weeks as an intern or it really got grueling a resident, a doctor.I've always looked forward to Friday night dates.
6:15
I just have.It's my favorite part of the week.It's the pinnacle of my week.I was also thinking this morning kind of reminiscing our dates over the years and specifically our first date which.To a football game.Yeah, it just happened.
6:33
It was not intentional at all.We just kind of fell into it.Nor was the first kiss on that very same night, which highly, highly controversial for me anyway.We both have different stories about how all of that went down.
6:51
But we ended up kissing, and I remember that I thought I had done something terribly wrong because you were just like, and I said, what's wrong?And you said what?
7:10
I don't remember conveniently.Well, you were not sick.You're very happy, I'll just put it that way.He was a good kisser.Yep, the stars were aligned and the fireworks were going off in my brain.
7:28
I had no idea, I just thought that you was somehow upset, although I did ask you before I kissed you.Yes, consent very important.So in the days before consent was even a thing.It wasn't really back then, but I was nervous, what can I say?
7:46
Yeah, that was a great day.We had a lot of fun.We had been working on a project together and I listened to you play the piano, which was very passionate in my soul.And then you said, hey, I've got tickets for a football game, you want to go?
8:02
So we were working together.That's an important way to get to know each other and even to create and revive romance.But then music is a big part of that and can be a big turn on for girls.So if you used to do that for your spouse and you're not doing it anymore, maybe that's a good idea.
8:22
Yeah, football and piano, Yeah, they may seem not to go together, but in our case they did.It was great.It set up the perfect scenario for aligning with that very sweet and tender and passionate kiss.Well, now, 30 years later, roughly.
8:40
Yeah, almost.Here we are doing a podcast together on marriage.I remember my 25th birthday.We were just started dating and you collected a bunch of little things that were meaningful.You had a little stuffed bear.
8:58
I sewed the stuffed bear, which is probably the last time I've sewed anything I'm not.If it can't be glue gunned, I don't do it.It.Was an act of love.Do you still have that there?Yeah, it's in one of our memory trunks.
9:14
Awesome.And you also had acd of romantic music and just different things that we had both in that short month of dating had really enjoyed together.So it was a very, very thoughtful, intentional gift as we peered out over over Provo, UT on the mountaintop, the.
9:37
City lights.Yeah, it was wonderful.And then of course, I proposed to on Valentine's Day because I wanted to be outside the box.I'm outside the box all the time.And so for me to propose on Valentine's Day would be an out-of-the-box thing for me.
9:55
I did not see that coming at all.Yeah, well, I just thinking too about our date nights as a very, very poor college students while I worked at the hospital, you worked in the alumni association at the college and we did not have much money, but they were fun and very memorable.
10:18
Yeah, we did free stuff all the time.We'd go to the Science Museum and look at the taxidermy animals.Or we'd share a plate of that that Thai restaurant that we could get one dish for like 10 bucks and share it our first date night together without a baby in tow.
10:38
Remember that one in in Riverside, MO?I was very nervous about that, but we left.We're in medical, our older daughter with our younger daughter and that was the day before cell phones when they couldn't call with questions or problems.We did have lots of good neighbors, but yeah, just getting away for those few minutes, even when it seems impossible, is really good for our relationship.
11:05
And Med school, Kansas City, going to the top of the Oh yeah, Hyatt Regency, that restaurant that spun around.Not that we could afford dinner there.But when you say spin around, it goes very slowly.Yeah, it took an hour to rotate around the city of Kansas City at night.
11:25
But we could get one big piece of dessert for $5 and share it.Yeah, but we could dress up and.It was the, Yeah.Feel like we looked like we had money.Yeah.We'd go to the top of this restaurant in Kansas City overlooking the city and say we want dessert.
11:42
And we'd spend 5 bucks on the Mile High pie.Yeah.The ice cream pie.As we sat and talked and looked out.And dreamed about.Our five together.Of course, that was a long time ago, but yeah.And then the other date nights at Med school, Cheesecake Factory, we'd split the Burrito Grande.
12:06
Yeah.Those are the days.I think it's important for any of the younger couples who might be listening that don't have a lot of money to realize if you're budgeting, which we highly encourage you to do, to have a budget item for dates.
12:25
Now, when we were young, that budget was probably like $25 for the month.So if we were going to Cheesecake Factory, we might go to a library, Barnes and Noble, and read books or something that was free some dates.
12:40
So we could have money for one date that was $25.00.But whatever it is you can do, if you have in your budget a category for dates that allows you to prioritize those to be prepared for those.And they don't have to be big huge things, just little things that you can create memories by doing.
13:03
And we do have some ground rules with our date nights, too.When we go out, we don't talk about children.Or we try not to.Sometimes we have to remind each other, but yeah.We try not to.We don't talk about children, we don't talk about our our work.
13:21
Or school.We talk about us and sometimes that can be a little hard, but you keep practicing.You get used to it.For several years now, we've used John Gottman's Card Deck app that gives us conversations to have that help us get to know what's going on in each other's heads.
13:40
And I'll be honest, I forget.So I have a little alarm in my iPhone at 7:30 PM on Friday night.It says Gottman Card Deck.You're out on dinner doing date night.Boom.Oh, yeah, there it is.Let's whip it out, ask some questions, do some real investigating.
14:01
Which brings up a point.Have we done every single Friday night over the 30 years?I think we might have missed a few.Yeah, we've missed a few.I think when you were one of the high school football team doctors on Friday nights, we try to catch Saturday night instead, and on occasion we didn't.
14:19
Or if I'm out of town or you're out of town, which doesn't happen all that often, but we try really hard if we know we're going to miss a Friday night to do it another night of the week.But I would say probably night more than 95% of the time we've hit those.
14:35
I would say yeah, at least 95%, very few weekends that we go without date night.And you know, I found doing some research that this is not very common.It's not even really common for couples to go out on date night once a month, really.
14:52
Yeah, it's I think in the minority, which is.Interesting they're missing out.They're missing out.You're missing out, folks, We're telling you.And what does date night look like?What can it look like?Well, we're going to talk about that today.
15:08
We're going to talk about different things.I will say that you've gotten some books for me over the years to try to maybe some date night ideas.Yeah, here's the latest one I give you for Christmas.Your.
15:24
Adventure Challenge Couples edition.So which?Yeah.Let's it it's got lots of different date ideas that you get a coin and you rub off what it is to find out what your adventure is going to be for that week.
15:43
And then they also have a camera that goes with it.A little Polaroid.Kind though it pops out the fixture and then you have a journal of some of your dates just.Take the photo right there next to it.It tells you about how much it's going to cost, how much time it's going to take, and.
16:02
The best time of day to do it, yeah.So you plan before you scratch.Because you don't know ahead of time.That's why you it's the scratch thing off say, oh, we're doing this.How many of these have we done?I think we've done 2.So in three years, we've done two of these.
16:18
Yeah.The one that we did that was fun was to make a pie together.I blindfolded him, and then I could guide his hands in making a pie.It's a lot of fun.You can use three sentences the whole time.
16:34
So you're working on this as a couple using body language.So we encourage this especially for people who are looking for those fun, fun, creative types of date ideas that they want to document and keep a journal of some of those for memories.
16:55
But yo Heidi, you gave this to me 3 1/2 years ago but we have only done two of them.Yeah, we bumped into one that was going to take a lot of time and effort, so it's a good idea.I thought about this this morning, like why haven't we done this more?And I think the answer is I really look forward to Friday night dates because it's my chance to relax, to do nothing.
17:23
Like I spend my entire week creating.I spend most of my time in the office creating a game plan for all of my patients.Thinking, creating and inventing.I spend my free time on weekends creating podcasts.
17:44
You do the same, right?I'm creating all week long we're.Creating, creating, creating, creating, creating.And when it comes to Friday night, I want to consume.That means relaxing, going out for a nice meal and coming back.
18:03
A lot of times nature will have something to do with it.Sometimes shopping because we rarely go into a store.This is just that time of life for us.We don't very often go to movies at the movie.Theater.But we watch a movie here on Friday nights.
18:19
Again, we're not creating.We're just watching, enjoying.Or going to a Symphony like we did last night, that is again, consuming something that touches our souls, helps us relax.Gershwin, it was so incredible.
18:35
City in blue we wonderful.We just enjoyed it so much.You may have very different ideas of what helps you relax and connect, but if you're not talking to each other about whatever it is, then maybe try some of the things like in this book or we also have a lot of great ideas for you coming up that are Date Night's Marriage IQ style.
18:57
Yes, we thought we'd get a little creative with you today because that's what we do.Share with you some potential date ideas that we came up with that are related to each of our four or cornerstones.Yeah, so let's dive in by starting with our ideas for identity dates, since that's our first cornerstone.
19:17
Yeah.What are some things you can do to help not only understand your own self better, but understand better who your spouse is and where they came from?You know, I learned this week alone something new about Scott.He was telling me a story about when he was a little kid and loved alfalfa sprouts.
19:37
I had no clue, I don't think.I am a lover of alfalfa sprouts.I've ever bought alfalfa sprouts, but that was new information.We eat a ton of Brussels sprouts, by the way.No alfalfa.Sprouts and Brussels sprouts really aren't sprouts.Yeah, misnomer.
19:56
So OK, here is idea number one for a date to help you with identity.Try a then and now photo adventure.Now this is something that I did with the kids for a Christmas gift for Scott one time.
20:13
But this we're going to relate to a date night.So what you'll do is find pictures from either when you were dating or when you were first married, and then recreate that whole scenario by.Having very similar clothes, at least the same color of outfits, the same pose, the same location, and then reflect afterwards on how both of you have grown.
20:39
I love that.Now this could be that you've expanded clothes sizes or it could be other ways that you've grown and maybe both.It's OK.But as you just talk about how the changes have happened in your lives, looking backward, that's part of your identity.
21:01
I love looking backward.Another one is that personal heritage night.So you find each other's favorite childhood meal.Yeah, mine was fried chicken.Well, my parents were very, very healthy eaters, but I did love going to my grandma's house and she would make us Bologna sandwiches, which we were never allowed to have, and Kool-aid.
21:27
Was it on white bread too?And jello and cake and sour cream and onion potato chips.We could also in that same date, if making each other's childhood meals sounds like a little bit much, maybe just pull out Spotify or YouTube Music, Apple Music, whatever, and find favorite songs from your teenage years.
21:51
Food and music both evoke a lot of memories, so from that you can share stories that you haven't told each other before.Another idea is to create a vision board together that will help with understanding better the identity you want for your future.
22:08
OK, so bring some magazines if you even subscribe to those anymore, some scissors poster board.We don't subscribe to mini magazines anymore, so I would probably just print out some pictures on the printer of things that we like.
22:25
Yeah.And make this joint five year marriage vision board where you're sharing dreams that you've talked about together, but then at least have one dream that you haven't ever talked with each other about before.I like that, Yeah.
22:41
Let's move on to intentionality, shall we?Yes.Our second cornerstone.So with intentionality, we live by design, not by default.Yep.Plan a monthly yes day.So that means you take turns.
22:56
You plan a day where the other agrees to say yes to everything that you wanted.Within reason.Within This was inspired by that movie yesterday I think, with Geena Davis.Where those parents were constantly saying no to everything that their kids wanted because she wanted to keep them safe and protected and secure.
23:18
Bubble wrapped.Even though before they had kids, she and her husband were both highly adventurous.It showed them skydiving while they were dating and then she's like this overprotective mom.I think that explains a lot of people.So in our relationship, Scott would come and say let's go to Japan, let's go to here, let's go to there.
23:38
And I would always say no.And so one year for Christmas, I gave him a yes pillow.It was December 2019 and I said this is going to be my year of yes for you.
23:54
So everything he wanted to do came to a screeching halt March 17th, 2020 when the country closed down with COVID.So he didn't ever really get his year of yes last year.
24:10
I think it's OK to do a yes day where we just go and have fun and have adventure and be less worried about safety and more concerned about making memories.Another idea is a sunrise pact.
24:27
Get up before dawn, drive to a scenic overlook and watch the sunrise together.Then exchange 1 intention for the week that you've been thinking about.And we actually do this a lot.This is very fun to us.We love sunrise's sunset.
24:43
What's another one, Heidi?OK, this one is taking the idea of a bucket list, which I did give you some bucket list gifts for this last Christmas.But this takes the bucket list idea, but we're reversing it.And instead of dreaming ahead, list the amazing things that you've already done together as a couple.
25:03
The reverse bucket list.Yeah, research shows that just being able to look back on your past with fondness, with laughter.Bonding, yeah.Yeah, bonding really helps us solidify our marriage.
25:19
So you might choose to do this with a fun dessert or going somewhere fun.You could even do it in the car.But looking back and remembering the fun things you've done is a big part of intentionality that sometimes overlooked.
25:35
What's our fun dessert?Honey roasted almonds.Yep, I don't need sugar or flour.That's our fun dessert.Sorry, some people might not think that's too fun, but you eat popsicles and I eat roasted almonds.
25:55
All right, let's move on to the insight.Inside #3 What do?You think about that, what do you have?Where you start really digging down deep conversations and emotional growth.So here's some ideas.So, a question jar.Each of you writes 10 deep questions like When do you feel closest to me?
26:16
What's one small regret?If you're having a hard time thinking of some of these questions, check out John Gottman's Card Decks app.Yeah, we just talked about it.It's loaded with great questions for getting to know each other's inner world.You.So you take turns answering during dinner.What's another date night idea for insight?
26:34
So we do talk a lot about personality tests for both insight and identity.And so a fun idea might be to take an online personality test, compare, talk about them, or you could do even a love language test and then spend part of your date acting like the other person's identity.
26:59
The fun part about that is that it helps them understand what they're like.It's like to be you.Yeah, like looking in a mirror, almost.And don't do it in a rude way.I mean, you can do it in an exaggerated way if you want.That's kind of fun.
27:14
But it's not meant to be hurtful.It's meant to be playful and it's meant to be enlightening.I like that.How about the curious detective?OK, do we get out our trench coats and our.Maybe.So, spy glasses.
27:31
Pretend that you're each detective's trying to understand what makes my partner tick.Yeah, that's an important part of insight.Yeah.What made you feel most alive this month?That's a good question we can talk about.Yeah, like what situation do you wish I could understand better?
27:49
And then write down some notes and discuss?Yeah.And the whole detective thing, you could play on that for the whole date if you wanted, like where you choose to go to dinner or what movie.
28:05
If you wanted to watch a movie afterward, you could play that up and make it really fun.I've never worn A trench coat and spyglasses inside her bedroom, but I could see how that could end up there.Just an idea which leads into our next cornerstone.
28:20
Very well and that is intimacy so intimacy yes it's sexuality but it's so much more than that it's play it's passion it's being present it's being emotionally present physically present it's talking about things that are dear and connecting to us so Scott, what fun ideas do you have to increase intimacy on a date The.
28:47
Blindfold Chef Night One cooks, the other guesses the ingredients by smell or taste and you can't peek.So this would be really good for foodies like me.I love how foods are brought together and I love watching cooking shows.
29:11
That's a secret thing.When I go to the gym I love watching, but yeah.I think one thing I noticed about what you've said with that idea is that we're bringing mindfulness into it.If we're bringing in smells and tastes and if we're blindfolded, we may have to rely on what we hear rather than what we see.
29:35
And all of those things help us be mindful, which we talk about a lot as a way to increase intimacy to be very present.I agree indubitably.All right, here's another idea.The first kiss redo.
29:51
Oh.Now, for we live far away from where our first kiss was, and Scott told you a little bit about that.But if you can meet at that spot again, or a new spot, that's something like it, and pretend that it's your very first date.
30:09
Reintroduce yourselves, flirt shamelessly and see what sparks.Just work on recreating that atmosphere that was so fun in the first place.Yeah.And again, remembering helps us build intimacy towards each other.
30:28
I like it.So, Scott, what ideas do you have?How?About a memory massage.What is that?You take turns giving a slow back massage while narrating a favorite shared memory in detail.So tell.
30:44
Me.What you think that would do?Well, I would probably pick our first date and tell it to you slowly.And that, with a massage has got to be like the best ever.Yep.So these are just a few fun dates you can think of some of your own.
31:01
We would love for you to share with us at hello@marriageiq.com any of the ideas that you have that fit within our four cornerstones of identity, intentionality, insight, and intimacy.And we invite you to stay tuned for Friday's Part 2 on this episode where we're going to be talking about the ultimate Marriage IQ date night ideas.
31:27
And we'll be doing fun date nights within each of the four cornerstones that you can do with each season.So that's giving you a year's worth of date night ideas.In the meantime, between now and Friday, if you can't get enough of Marriage IQ, listen to some old episodes and head on over to marriageiq.com.
31:47
Subscribe and get entered into our giveaway.Yeah.Don't forget.And we will see you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.
