Episode 34. The Official Marriage IQ Quiz: How Intelligent a Spouse Are You?
Are you ready to put your marriage intelligence to the test? In this engaging episode of Marriage IQ, we present an extensive 50-question quiz designed to evaluate your understanding and application of key marital concepts that are necessary to creating a scintillating marriage.
As a comprehensive marital assessment, this unique quiz covers our four cornerstones of a thriving marriage:
1. Identity
2. Intentionality
3. Insight
4. Intimacy
Each section challenges you to reflect on your personal growth, relationship dynamics, and the practical application of principles discussed in previous episodes.
This episode serves as both an assessment and an invitation to continue your journey towards a more fulfilling partnership. Whether you're a "beginner" or a "genius" on the Marriage iQ scale, there's always room for growth and improvement.
Take the quiz, invite your spouse to take it, reflect on your results, and use the insights gained to strengthen your relationship. Remember, "The intelligent spouse knows that to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage first requires a change in themselves."
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Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast for the intelligent spouse.[00:00:08 - 00:00:10]
I'm Dr. Heidi Hastings.[00:00:10 - 00:00:12]
And I'm Dr. Scott Hastings.[00:00:13 - 00:00:31]
We are two doctors, two researchers, two spouses, two lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose. To transform the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.[00:00:34 - 00:01:05]
Good morning, all you intelligent spouses out there. We're so glad to have you back for a very special episode today, and we will let you know kind of what that is. We're going to test your knowledge. This is a podcast right on Marriage IQ. And IQ is short for intelligence. So it's test time, ladies and gentlemen. We also have some exciting news, too. We have some exciting developments.[00:01:05 - 00:01:28]
Thinking through what we've got coming up is what led us to decide to do a test today. We are growing, we're expanding, and we love that all of you have chosen to join us. We've gotten some feedback that people would like video, so we're building a new studio for video. We are launching our new MarriageIQ.com website.[00:01:28 - 00:01:29]
Exciting.[00:01:30 - 00:01:40]
We are growing our social media on Instagram and Facebook and YouTube shorts. And if you're liking our podcast, share it with your friends.[00:01:40 - 00:01:52]
So what do you think about it so far, everyone? Yeah, that's what I thought. Oh, yeah. All right. I love those things.[00:01:53 - 00:02:25]
We're also working on some courses right now that we can work more in depth on some of the specific areas of our four cornerstones. But as we were preparing a little quiz for the landing page of our website, we thought, really, we ought to expand this and share it with our listeners so we can let you test and see. Are you learning from what you're listening to. Are you making changes in your own marriage? If you're new on this path, take a before and after quiz to see if you're making improvements.[00:02:25 - 00:02:52]
Well, you know, when I was in school, quizzes were very small things, like, you know, 10 points here, 15 points. I like to look at this more as a. This is like a midterm exam, I think, right? This is 50 questions, kind of a big deal. So it's more than a quiz. I think it's time to be really prepared and go into this thinking, hey, this is a class. I want to do my best.[00:02:53 - 00:03:13]
But also, it's a benchmark. So don't be discouraged if you're not getting the kind of score at the end that you would like to. It's a benchmark. So as you attempt to make changes in your marriage and some adjustments, then Perhaps you can keep seeing that score increase. We let you take it as many times as you want.[00:03:13 - 00:03:24]
Yep, there are there. There's really no right or wrong answer. It's where are you at right now really in. In your life? Each question is so profound.[00:03:24 - 00:03:54]
Like it might be interesting for them to know the way that we came up with these questions. We started with the four cornerstones and we just started discussing what's important for couples to know, what is important for them to do, to be an intelligent spouse and to create a scintillating marriage and then to prove to ourself that this is what we really believed. We found evidence in our podcasts, so we wanted to give you the possibility to look back at some of those if you choose to.[00:03:55 - 00:03:58]
So are you guys excited? Are you ready to go grab a.[00:03:58 - 00:04:00]
Pencil and a paper or your phone or something?[00:04:00 - 00:04:19]
Something to. Cause we're going to go through these but take some time to self reflect. Okay. These are all true or false questions. Okay, are you ready? All right, I'm ready.[00:04:19 - 00:04:21]
What is that? You passing out the papers? Woohoo.[00:04:21 - 00:05:08]
It's time to go. I've always wanted to be in this position where I'm the teacher and the pressure's off. I just have to watch everyone scoring. Right. Okay, so we've split these up into our four cornerstones. So the first set of questions covers identity. The second set of questions is going to be intentionality, followed by insight, and then lastly, intimacy. Our four cornerstones. Well, let's get rolling. Number one, true or false. I feel comfortable and currently knowing who I am. And if you need a reference for this episode one, the four ways to transform your marriage.[00:05:08 - 00:05:20]
It's really important to know our opinions, know our desires, know things that are from our background because that's foundational to helping us throughout the rest of our lives.[00:05:20 - 00:05:30]
And we're not ever going to know exactly who we are at all times because we're always changing. So that's why we asked. I'm comfortable and currently knowing who I'm. I am.[00:05:30 - 00:05:43]
Question number two, true or false. I know that I can never, never truly know who I am because I'm constantly changing throughout my lifespan. We talked about that in episode two. If you want to go back and brush up on that a little bit.[00:05:44 - 00:05:54]
We are always changing. So don't think that, hey, this is who I am. I'm set for life. Yeah, no, always changing a little bit. And it's important to stay on top of that.[00:05:54 - 00:06:00]
And the parts of our identity that we focus on are the ones that seem to grow.[00:06:00 - 00:06:14]
All right, number three, true or false. I can identify my top five core values that comes from, if you need help, episode 15, Striking the Perfect Balance.[00:06:14 - 00:06:39]
Yeah, during that episode, I think we asked them to just Google my top core values and take a little test right there to see what is it that is most important to us. If our core values feel like they're attacked, we experience that in a much more distressing way than if it's somebody else's core value that gets attacked.[00:06:39 - 00:06:46]
Right. I think episode 15 we refer to maybe more than any other. That's kind of a big one.[00:06:47 - 00:06:52]
So number four, I know where I come from and my family of origin. This is really important.[00:06:53 - 00:06:54]
That's episode one.[00:06:54 - 00:07:11]
Because our family that we grew up in and even generations beyond really make us who we are. That doesn't mean that we can't change some parts of that, but just having that awareness helps us understand why we do what we do.[00:07:11 - 00:07:39]
Okay, number five, I am aware that my spouse has different thoughts, opinions, and values than mine, and I'm okay with it. Again, that comes from episode 15, striking the perfect balance. And also episode 30, who am I? Who are we sitting with? That idea that, hey, you are different than me, sometimes really different, and that's okay.[00:07:39 - 00:07:56]
It's a superpower. Actually, the fact that we see things differently gives us greater perspective when we're respectful of each other's opinions, of each other's values and thoughts. So, number six, I know the difference between masculine and feminine power.[00:07:56 - 00:07:58]
Oh, that's good.[00:07:59 - 00:08:07]
That one comes from our two episodes on power, episodes 9 and 10, as well as episode 28.[00:08:07 - 00:08:28]
Just knowing our different built in DNA, our proclivities, our desires, and honoring each other in that honoring feminine power that you hold and the masculine power that I hold just by being virtue of a man.[00:08:28 - 00:08:34]
It's kind of like a yin and yang. They work together. They're not the same, but they're complementary.[00:08:34 - 00:09:00]
Yeah, I love that symbol. It's perfectly balanced. There's no one above or below the other one. Number seven, I am open with my spouse about my weaknesses, uncertainties, and owning up to past mistakes. So that comes from episode six, Secrets that Corrode, and episode 25, Trust Matters. So that can be hard for a lot of people.[00:09:00 - 00:09:27]
Right. And it takes a lot of integrity. It takes a lot of vulnerability, but it helps us show that we know who we are and when we can do that in a safe way with each other, it creates connection. Number eight, I'm willing to sit in Discomfort and being okay with that feeling. When I experience a strong emotion towards my spouse so I can grow emotionally.[00:09:27 - 00:09:29]
The question asks if I'm willing to sit in it.[00:09:29 - 00:09:31]
Okay, not how well we do, not.[00:09:31 - 00:09:33]
How well I do, but I'm willing to sit in it.[00:09:33 - 00:09:35]
Are we aware that it's important to.[00:09:36 - 00:09:38]
Sit in discomfort because it can be really uncomfortable?[00:09:38 - 00:09:42]
Right. That comes from episode 15. Again, striking the perfect balance.[00:09:44 - 00:09:59]
Number nine. Again, in identity, I am aware of and in control of setting and possibly changing my own boundaries I have created for myself in my marriage. Episode 15, Striking the Perfect Balance.[00:10:00 - 00:10:02]
Okay, number nine.[00:10:02 - 00:10:03]
Nope.[00:10:03 - 00:10:13]
Oh, nope. We just did that one. Number 10. I am secure enough in my own identity that I don't need to fold into my partner's identity.[00:10:13 - 00:10:14]
Ah.[00:10:14 - 00:10:17]
Again, striking the perfect balance in episode 15.[00:10:18 - 00:10:22]
I think that sounds like a great episode for everyone to go listen to.[00:10:23 - 00:10:54]
That's a really important aspect as well, because especially for women, we often lose who we are in all of the efforts we make to make life good and comfortable for our partner, for our children, for parents and extended family, perhaps even for a boss. Without really taking the time to say, I'm an individual too. I'm a person too, and I can come up with my own opinions rather than just.[00:10:56 - 00:11:02]
I think women are generally hardwired into being just more giving.[00:11:02 - 00:11:04]
Right. Nurturing, too.[00:11:04 - 00:11:09]
Like when you're little girls, you play house and play with dolls. It's all about giving.[00:11:10 - 00:11:11]
That's not a bad thing. That's a really.[00:11:11 - 00:11:28]
No, it's a great thing. It's an awesome thing. It's being true to your DNA. I'm just saying, like, this happens more naturally for women. So I think women really need to be really aware that they can fold into their husband's identity without even knowing.[00:11:28 - 00:11:39]
It or realizing it, rather than stopping to think about what are my opinions, what are my desires, and then being able to verbalize those in kind, respectful ways.[00:11:40 - 00:12:08]
All right, number 11. I know that as spouses, we each have our own individual identity, and we have created an additional identity together. And I find balance between both of these identities. Episode 15, Striking the Perfect Balance. That yin and the Yang isn't that it's a perfect balance where there's not one iota more or less as a woman, as a man, together.[00:12:08 - 00:12:16]
Right? And the couple identity is a separate identity. People see us as a couple, and that's important. We want to see ourselves as a couple.[00:12:16 - 00:12:17]
We do.[00:12:17 - 00:13:02]
But there's so much research out there showing that the best marriages are those where each partner has autonomy. They have individuality, and that allows for deeper intimacy and growth together. So you can go too far either way with either autonomy or. Or intimacy. But if you meld both together and have that perfect balance, those are the best marriages. Number 12. I don't get my identity from what other people think about me. Again, in episode 15, Striking the Perfect Balance, and episode 30, who Am I? Who are we? This one has to do with comparison and becoming a reflected self.[00:13:03 - 00:13:03]
Yeah.[00:13:03 - 00:13:10]
My identity comes from within me, not what other people think about me. That's very important to be an intelligent spouse.[00:13:10 - 00:13:41]
Number 13, again, we're under the identity category. This is true or false? 13. I know how the basic functions of hormones such as oxytocin and testosterone work and how they can deepen my relationship with my spouse. So that comes from episode seven, why Men Want Sex and Women need love. And episode 13, testosterone tango. We spent a deep dive on that. That was fun. On these hormones.[00:13:41 - 00:13:45]
And I think it's important to remember parts. It's important to know who we are. It's part of our identity.[00:13:45 - 00:13:55]
It is part of our identity, and we can't let that get lost in all these other things we're doing and learning about ourselves to have this scintillating life together.[00:13:55 - 00:14:22]
The last one in the identity category, number 14. I build trust in my relationship by being reliable, dependable, and honest. Is that part of my identity that I want to be true to myself, but I also want to be true to my spouse? That's found in episode six, Secrets that Corrode, and episode 25, Trust Matters. Also episode 26, no More Secrets.[00:14:22 - 00:14:54]
All right. How are y'all doing? We're through. Identity. Not too bad, right? Well, let's start with number one under intentionality. Now, number one, true or false, I have created and am daily reviewing my own personal visions of who I want to become. This comes from episode three, deciding versus Sliding. This is really intentional. Who do I want to become? Your personal vision. These aren't goals. These are visions.[00:14:55 - 00:15:34]
And it can be a combination of who am I from looking at my past and who am I from looking at who I want to be in the future? Which rolls into number two. I have created and am regularly reviewing my own personal daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly goals. So this comes from episode three, deciding versus sliding, where we talk about, do we just want to wake up someday and find that we're so far from who we want to be, or are we taking control of our lives and being very specific? From the smart goal perspective, I'm telling.[00:15:34 - 00:16:08]
You, if you're wondering whether life should be about checking boxes, it shouldn't be about checking boxes. But it definitely includes checking boxes. If we don't check boxes, we can't look back and monitor our progress. We can't see any growth. That's vital to becoming better spouse. A better person is looking back at your growth. And the only way really to do that is by checking boxes. These are daily goals or weekly, monthly. They're different than visions.[00:16:08 - 00:16:19]
And the key, I think, for us is regularly reviewing. We try to do that daily for ourselves and we may get partway through the year and say, I thought I wanted that. I don't really want that anymore.[00:16:19 - 00:16:20]
Yeah.[00:16:20 - 00:16:23]
And that's okay. We don't need to beat ourselves up about that.[00:16:24 - 00:17:05]
But it is very, very important. Number three, I meditate or do a mindful activity for at least 10 minutes every day. That comes from episode three, deciding versus sliding. And episode 21, mindfulness and marriage. And episode 19, coping. So meditation. We haven't really talked a bunch about it. This is huge, ladies and gentlemen, who are intelligent spouses, very, very, very important part of a daily routine. And we're going to devote a whole episode on meditation and mindfulness.[00:17:06 - 00:17:22]
Number four, we are creating a shared vision of our future as spouses. So now that we've got the intentionality of what I personally want to do, we're starting to create what we want our future to look like as spouses.[00:17:22 - 00:17:30]
Notice, we started with ourselves first, which we always do. We gotta start with our stuff. Me, myself and I, and then we move to the marriage.[00:17:30 - 00:17:44]
Right. So we talk about that in episode 11 on couples councils, our weekly counsel. We review these things. And Also in episode 23, from stale to Scintillating, where we talk about marriage retreats.[00:17:45 - 00:18:20]
Yes. I think it's really been a big factor in our successful marriage. Number five, I create time every day to connect in some way with my spouse, either physically, emotionally, intellectually, sexually, spiritually, or recreationally. And that comes from episode three, deciding versus sliding, and episode five, developing intimacy and marriage. That's good every day. One, just some way to connect in one of those ways.[00:18:20 - 00:18:30]
Number six, I understand the difference between conflict and contention in marriage. And we talked about that in episode 27 on War and Peace.[00:18:30 - 00:18:31]
War and Peace, Yep.[00:18:31 - 00:18:37]
Conflict being. We see things differently, but we still hold. We hold respect for each other.[00:18:37 - 00:18:39]
It's kind of a problem between us.[00:18:39 - 00:18:41]
Right, right. And.[00:18:44 - 00:18:45]
It's more personal. Right. We.[00:18:45 - 00:18:46]
You're wrong.[00:18:46 - 00:18:55]
We're offended or we're right or wrong, or you're bad or I'm good. The conflict is, hey, we have something between us. Let's clear it up.[00:18:55 - 00:18:56]
Right.[00:18:56 - 00:19:33]
Very big difference. Okay, number seven, I hold weekly couples councils with my spouse. Episode three, deciding versus sliding, and episode 11, couples councils meetings. This is really important. Some people might say, well, I don't have time for this, or I don't want to do that. Look, you do so at your own peril. That's all I can say. Make the time every week, Even if it's 30 minutes for us, it's like an hour and a half. But it's very important.[00:19:33 - 00:19:34]
We have a lot to talk about.[00:19:34 - 00:19:35]
We have a lot to talk about.[00:19:35 - 00:19:41]
All right, number eight, we have weekly dates during which we don't talk about either work or children.[00:19:42 - 00:19:42]
Yeah.[00:19:42 - 00:19:56]
Comes from episode three, deciding versus sliding, and episode 16, the art of romance. And this is something that we have done for our entire 28 years of marriage and feel very strongly about.[00:19:56 - 00:20:06]
Yeah, we slipped the don't talk about work or children because that's inevitably what it used to do until we said, nope, like, you can't talk about children. Not a day.[00:20:06 - 00:20:07]
Talk about your relationship.[00:20:07 - 00:20:08]
That's right.[00:20:08 - 00:20:10]
Your dreams, your desires, things that are.[00:20:10 - 00:20:49]
Important to you or you just share in that moment. If you're watching a beautiful sunset or you're watching the ocean or the beach or whatever, together, you just share in that moment without talking about kids. Number nine. We schedule and go on overnight marriage retreats outside our home to create and discuss a vision and plan about our progression together. How are our values and goals going? That comes from episode 23. From stale to scintillating. Marriage retreats. That's our secret sauce right there. Make it happen.[00:20:49 - 00:21:14]
Number 10. I share power with my spouse with household chores, finances and parenting. That comes from episode nine and episode ten, a two part episode on who wears the power in your relationship. And power is something that we feel really strongly about sharing with each other instead of one having power over the other in any area.[00:21:15 - 00:21:54]
Sharing power. And that includes household duties. Indeed. Number 11, true or false. I regularly schedule sex with my spouse. Episode three, deciding versus slighting. And episode five, developing intimacy and marriage. This is one of the biggest things you can do, ladies and gentlemen. Scheduling and putting that in your calendar. If you don't want people to see it, just put an S for sex and you'll know It's a little dot, but it really needs to be scheduled. We are very serious about that.[00:21:55 - 00:22:16]
All right, number 12. I intentionally make romance a priority in our relationship. That comes from episode 16 on the Art of Romance. I thought that was a fun one that we did. Just talking about little things that we can do to make a difference. Tapping into that sway, Being swept away, feeling.[00:22:16 - 00:22:17]
Right.[00:22:17 - 00:22:24]
Just of sweet little, kind little things. It doesn't have to be movies and roses or something like that.[00:22:24 - 00:22:41]
Something very intimate together, private. Right? Thirteen, True or false. I can fondly remember our own marital history and see the good in it. That comes from episode 16, the Art of Romance.[00:22:41 - 00:22:51]
Right. We know that marriages where that can happen are far less likely to end in divorce than those who have rewritten their marriage in a negative way.[00:22:51 - 00:22:57]
Yeah. People who take the time to look back at all the good things, the good experiences, the wonderful times together.[00:22:58 - 00:22:58]
So important.[00:22:58 - 00:23:25]
We are moving on to insight, our third cornerstone of a scintillating marriage. True or false. How are you doing so far? You doing okay? All right. Number one, I regularly use I feel statements when flooded with feelings. That comes from episode 15, Striking the Perfect balance. And this is another one we are going to spend another full episode on.[00:23:25 - 00:23:30]
Instead of saying, you do this or you do that. Naming our emotion.[00:23:30 - 00:23:30]
Right.[00:23:30 - 00:23:36]
If we can name our emotion, that's the water that needs to be cleared here.[00:23:36 - 00:23:36]
Right? Exactly.[00:23:36 - 00:23:38]
Instead of making our partner the enemy.[00:23:39 - 00:23:49]
I feel ignored right now. Instead of you're ignoring me. You see the difference? Big difference. I feel ignored. You're taking ownership of your feeling.[00:23:50 - 00:23:57]
So number two, I don't know my spouse. But we'll try to get to know them by using curiosity.[00:23:57 - 00:24:06]
Yes, Whatever. I don't know my spouse. You don't know your spouse. You don't even fully know yourself. So why do you think you know your spouse?[00:24:06 - 00:24:13]
And if we tell ourselves that we know the way that they think, that's mind reading, which is really destructive to marriages.[00:24:13 - 00:24:13]
Yep.[00:24:14 - 00:24:22]
Mind reading that comes from episodes nine and 10, who wears the power in your relationship? And episode 27 on war and peace.[00:24:23 - 00:25:00]
Number three, I know that love is much more than just doing or even sacrificing something for my spouse. It's a feeling that encompasses my whole being with profound meaning and desire. That comes from episode eight, what's love got to do with it? You know, there's really no. If you dig deep enough, you can't define love with words. And I think we figured that out. You can talk about doing and all these things for your spouse as a sign of love, but what is love itself? It is a meaning that cannot be defined by words.[00:25:01 - 00:25:33]
So number four is I can see my own Part in my conflicts with my partner. That comes from episode four, the three most powerful words, and episode 27 on war and Peace. If we're so used to just seeing the things that our partner does wrong, and we can't have that internal insight of figuring, how did I contribute to this? Then we're really deceiving ourselves, because there are always two parts to it.[00:25:34 - 00:26:05]
Number five, I am becoming more aware of my blind spots. The blind spots are personal weaknesses that I'm unaware of. So I like to call the unknown unknowns, and I just don't know at all. Like, you're driving, you didn't see the guy behind you. Totally blind spot. We all have them. And those people who try to become more aware of them are becoming more insightful.[00:26:06 - 00:26:15]
And that's in episode four, the three most powerful words. Number six. I know that the three most powerful words in marriage are am I wrong?[00:26:16 - 00:26:18]
Am I wrong? Yeah.[00:26:18 - 00:26:31]
We can say I love you, and that is really important. That's a great feeling. But it can also be quite trite. But the words am I wrong? Show real insight that we are trying to understand our part in peace.[00:26:32 - 00:26:41]
You can say I love you with not a bunch of meaning, but when you say, am I wrong? That automatically invites connection and vulnerability.[00:26:41 - 00:26:48]
Right. Especially when we are sincere about that. And that comes from episode four, the three most powerful words.[00:26:49 - 00:27:17]
Number seven, I am open to change my boundaries based on my partner's vulnerably expressed needs and desires. That comes from episode four, the three most powerful words, and episode 15, striking the perfect balance. This is very vulnerable, and this requires feeling safe in that relationship because it's pretty deep, this question.[00:27:17 - 00:27:17]
Yeah.[00:27:18 - 00:27:28]
They're asking you to change boundaries, and they're expressing their deepest, most vulnerable moments with you.[00:27:28 - 00:27:32]
But it takes a track record of trust. I think in order to feel safe.[00:27:32 - 00:27:34]
You need to feel safe. Right.[00:27:35 - 00:27:56]
Number eight, I know how to conduct a marital autopsy by evaluating what went wrong before asking why it happened. So what comes before the why? Yeah, just the facts. And that comes from episode 12, how to transform conflict into connection with marital autopsies.[00:27:56 - 00:28:14]
Yes. The trick here, the what comes before the why. Right. So, number nine, I have let go of unrealistic visions of fairytale relationships. That comes from episode one, the four ways to transform your marriage.[00:28:14 - 00:28:18]
You mean marriage doesn't really look like a Hallmark movie?[00:28:18 - 00:28:36]
Well, here's the thing. It can feel like a Hallmark movie if you look at it in a way that is supportive of that and also realizing that everything else can happen too. But you Just have to be fully informed and aware.[00:28:36 - 00:28:41]
The realistic parts of it are that we can have a really scintillating, exciting.[00:28:41 - 00:28:46]
Marriage that sometimes looks like a Hallmark movie, but not always. How's that?[00:28:46 - 00:29:37]
Well, and that some problems exist for years in our marriages that aren't resolved over a 15 minute or a 10 minute or a 5 minute part of an episode. Okay, number 10. I know the difference between healthy and unhealthy stress and how each can impact my marriage. That comes from episode 18, the stress is Killing Me where we talked about eustress, which is we feel stress when we're doing something that's good, that's going to benefit the marriage. That kind isn't going to kill us. That kind is going to bring us closer together. Distress is when things are driving us apart, when we're engaged in things that are not benefiting the marriage but are creating vulnerabilities within the marriage.[00:29:37 - 00:30:22]
The intelligent spouse knows that stress is very important to become a highly thriving person and marital partner. Number 11. I cope with stress and uncomfortable feelings and healthy, non addictive ways. Episode 19, coping. Yeah, we all have our go to, right? That we do. And for me, I don't think that any kind of go to is really healthy coping. But I understand we're all human and we all do things that whether we think about it or not, we cope. And so just trying to do that in ways that I can ask myself, am I going overboard and becoming addicted to this or not?[00:30:23 - 00:30:54]
Number 12. I know the differences and similarities between internal and external self awareness. We talked about that a little bit already, but that comes from episode four, the three most powerful words to improve your marriage. And internal insight is I know my own behaviors. And external is how do my thoughts, behaviors, attitudes, whatever, impact other people. I'm aware of how I impact others for good or for bad.[00:30:55 - 00:31:12]
Number 13. Last one, true or false for insight. My words, expressions, body language and tone of voice match the kind of spouse I want to become. Episode 4, the Three Most Powerful Words to Improve youe Marriage and episode 21, Mindfulness in Marriage.[00:31:12 - 00:31:14]
It does take real insight.[00:31:14 - 00:31:22]
I want all these expressions to be what I want you to give to me. That's really, really emotionally intelligent. All right, Heidi, you want to take this?[00:31:22 - 00:31:44]
Sure. Our last category is intimacy. So first true or false question. I can talk openly to my spouse about my deepest, innermost secrets, thoughts, fears and aspirations. That ability to communicate on such an intimate level is highly important to creating a deep level of intimacy.[00:31:45 - 00:31:45]
Yeah.[00:31:45 - 00:31:54]
There's only one person I talk with a Lot of these things about, and hopefully it's my spouse that I can confide in and feel safe.[00:31:54 - 00:32:18]
Indeed. Number two, I can talk openly to my spouse about my own sexual desires and preferences. That comes from episode five, developing intimacy in marriage. And episode 22. Six minutes. That's the average length of time that people have sex. I think one of those questions would be, hey, can we slow things down?[00:32:19 - 00:32:36]
That's a good one. Number three, I regularly take time to watch a sunset, sunrise, starry night sky, or some other shared meaningful experience with my spouse. That comes from episode five, developing intimacy in marriage, and episode 31 on rituals.[00:32:37 - 00:33:07]
Very important. Number four, I understand that vulnerability is essential to creating a scintillating marriage and that I'm willing to initiate it. That comes from episode five, developing Intimacy in marriage and episode nine through ten, who wears the power in your relationship? Vulnerability is one of the key components to moving that needle, to digging deeper, to getting to that scintillating level.[00:33:07 - 00:33:46]
And we talked about how if you have more power in one element of your marriage than your partner does, the way to balance that power is by being vulnerable. The person who holds the most power has the most ability to change to a shared power structure through vulnerability. Number five, I turn toward my partner instead of away during severe adversity. That came from episode 20 with I can do this with her, where we interviewed our friends the Hastings, about the murder of their daughter.[00:33:46 - 00:34:13]
What a profound lesson for us, really. Number six, I do not keep secrets from my spouse about my sexual behavior, including online or in person. That comes from episode 25, Trust Matters. Episode 26, no More Secrets. Integrity is so important just to only have sexual behavior with your spouse. That keeps it easy, right? If you're not doing it with anyone.[00:34:13 - 00:34:23]
Else or viewing it, or masturbation even, would be a secret that could be kept sometimes. But some people may not feel comfortable that it was a secret.[00:34:23 - 00:34:24]
Right?[00:34:24 - 00:34:35]
It can decrease intimacy, something that they can talk about. Number seven, I excitedly think about my spouse three or more separate times during a given day.[00:34:35 - 00:34:41]
All right. That comes from episode 29, no Girls Allowed male intimacy.[00:34:41 - 00:34:43]
But it's important for women as well, right?[00:34:43 - 00:34:48]
It's important to stop whatever you're doing a few times a day. Just think about your spouse.[00:34:48 - 00:34:50]
They're so awesome. He's so awesome.[00:34:50 - 00:34:51]
She's so hot.[00:34:51 - 00:34:52]
He's so hot.[00:34:52 - 00:35:23]
Number eight, I know how to read the room and get a sense for my spouse's emotional state, then respond in a supportive manner. Episode four, the three most powerful words, and episode 29, no Girls Allowed. Which I guess it's for girls, too, but that episode was just for men. Really learning how to read the room is such a talent. It's so important. That comes with external self awareness and emotional IQ. And that's really a big part of insight, too.[00:35:24 - 00:35:55]
Number nine, I am willing to allow my spouse to look at my phone at any time without having to hide anything. If we're spending too much time on social media or we're texting back and forth with somebody, maybe words of criticism, or we're even looking at things that we know would be upsetting to our spouse, we can find more information about that on episode 26. But staying away from those kinds of behaviors is what really allows us to increase our intimacy with each other.[00:35:55 - 00:36:32]
My phone has no Internet at all. I have apps and I have email. That's it. And I'm fine with that. Number 10. I occasionally schedule sex that can be likened to a fine dining experience with my spouse. This means I'm mentally and emotionally present with my spouse's body and soul during lovemaking. I'm not just physically present. I appreciate my spouse's exquisite touch, scent, taste, and sight. That comes from episode 22, six minutes. And episode 29, no girls allowed.[00:36:32 - 00:36:56]
All right, number 11. I do not judge any part of myself or my spouse's appearance during our lovemaking experience. It's really hard for women to not feel shame over bodies, especially after childbirth and maybe even in menopause. And so to really have deep intimacy on a sexual level takes leaving judgment outside.[00:36:57 - 00:36:59]
And that comes from episode 22, six minutes.[00:37:00 - 00:37:01]
Last question.[00:37:01 - 00:37:20]
Last question. Number 12 of the entire test. I'm aware that the average sexual encounter is about six minutes long and am working to extend that time during sex with my spouse, episode 22, six minutes. I think that speaks for itself.[00:37:20 - 00:37:21]
Yep.[00:37:21 - 00:37:44]
And that is the test. We have a scoring system that we can go over with you to see where you land. If you answered true to 10 or less of these, you are a beginner, and we welcome you to the Marriage IQ podcast. Keep listening.[00:37:44 - 00:37:49]
We hope that you'll learn and your score will bump up over time.[00:37:49 - 00:38:08]
If you scored between 10 to 17, you are a student. Go, student. You're awesome. Good place to be. Listen to our podcasts. If you scored 18 to 25, you are proficient. You are proficient in your marriage.[00:38:08 - 00:38:17]
Nothing scintillating yet, most likely, but you're getting there. You're on the road. You have the skills to at least start and keep moving.[00:38:18 - 00:38:28]
If you scored 26 to 35. True. You are a master. So, masters, you got this down. That means you're getting good at it.[00:38:28 - 00:38:29]
Kudos to you.[00:38:29 - 00:38:45]
You've been married for a while. Perhaps, maybe not, but you still can. Keep pushing, keep going. You go up to 36 to 44, you're now considered a sage. So these are the guys who hang out on the mountaintops.[00:38:46 - 00:38:49]
We're very wise, very wise people, very.[00:38:49 - 00:38:54]
Emotionally mature, emotionally intelligent, maritally intelligent.[00:38:54 - 00:38:56]
Do you think they have scintillating marriages?[00:38:57 - 00:38:58]
These sages do?[00:38:58 - 00:39:01]
Yeah. I would say they're in great company.[00:39:02 - 00:39:35]
And then the last level is Genius. I don't know if genius is higher than a sage, but look, we had to make a cutoff somewhere. So 45 and over, you're considered a genius, a sage, a master, professor, you're all of them. These are the folks who are in rare air and they enjoy a very scintillating life and a marriage. And people at this level, it's important to continue to sharpen that saw.[00:39:36 - 00:39:36]
Right?[00:39:36 - 00:39:43]
That saw is sharp, but you have to keep moving, keep sharpening it. So keep coming back and brushing up.[00:39:44 - 00:40:40]
We'd really love for you to take a look at each of the four categories individually as well as an overall view of them. Because if you're finding that you're really good in being intentional, but you have a hard time understanding who you are, you haven't paid the price, spent the time to really think about and explore who you are, then that might be an area that you want to spend a little extra time on. This quiz is built to help you see those blind spots, see the parts of weaknesses. Not to feel shame about it, but to recognize this is a place that I have for growth. Remember, we talk a lot here about growth, marriage, that we're in this for growth, and it's only through our marriages that we can grow in some of the ways that we do. We are really excited to start this journey and hope that this has been helpful for you.[00:40:40 - 00:40:53]
Yeah, reach out to us and we hope you all have a great week. And remember, the intelligent spouse knows that to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage first requires a change in themselves.[00:40:54 - 00:41:11]
Thank you for tuning in to Marriage IQ. We hope today's episode has sparked some thoughts and brought you valuable insights. Remember, the conversation doesn't end here. Keep exploring and we'll catch you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.
