Episode 45. Marriage Before Kids? How Prioritizing Your Spouse Helps Your Parenting

Mar 11

The Spillover Effect: How Marital Bonds Shape Children

As a researcher and educator studying couples' dynamics, I've observed a critical yet often overlooked aspect of family life: the importance of prioritizing marriage over parenting. This concept may seem counterintuitive or even controversial to some, but research consistently shows that a strong marital foundation leads to better outcomes for both the couple and their children.

The Delicate Balance of Marriage and Parenting

Many couples find themselves struggling to maintain their relationship once children enter the picture. The demands of parenting can easily overshadow the needs of the marriage, leading to decreased marital satisfaction and increased conflict. However, it's crucial to remember that your marriage is the bedrock of your family unit.

A healthy marriage creates a stable, nurturing environment for children to thrive.

The Spillover Effect

Research by Errol et al. (1995) and Stapleton et al. (2012) demonstrates a phenomenon known as the "spillover effect." This means that the quality of the marital relationship directly impacts parent-child interactions. For example:

Wives who felt supported by their husbands during problem-solving conversations were more supportive of their children.
Wives' supportive marital behavior predicted more secure father-child interactions.

These findings underscore the importance of nurturing your marriage as a means of enhancing your parenting.

Navigating the Challenges of Parenthood

It's no secret that having children can strain a marriage. Many couples experience:

Decline in marital satisfaction
Increased conflict
Less intimacy and sexuality
Sleep deprivation
Financial strain
Shifting roles and responsibilities

However, it's important to note that these challenges are often temporary. Research shows that marital satisfaction typically rises again after about three years, provided couples actively work on their relationship.

Strategies for Maintaining a Strong Marriage While Parenting

Prioritize couple time: Regular date nights, even if they're at home after the kids are in bed, can help maintain your connection.
Communicate openly: Discuss parenting challenges, but also make time for conversations unrelated to children.
Show appreciation: Acknowledge each other's efforts in both parenting and maintaining the household.
Present a united front: Agree on parenting strategies and support each other's decisions in front of the children.
Practice empathy: Understand and validate each other's experiences and emotions related to parenting.

The Impact of Parenting Styles on Marriage

Research identifies four main parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. The style you and your partner adopt can significantly impact your marriage and your children's well-being.

Authoritative parenting, characterized by high warmth and clear boundaries, is associated with the best outcomes for both children and marriages. Couples who share this approach tend to communicate well and have shared expectations.

Mismatched parenting styles, on the other hand, can lead to increased marital conflict. It's crucial to discuss and align your parenting approaches to maintain harmony in your relationship.

Empty Nest: A New Chapter in Your Marriage

As children leave home, couples face a new set of challenges and opportunities. While some marriages struggle during this transition, many find that their relationship improves. This phase offers a chance to rediscover each other and focus on your partnership.

To prepare for this transition:

Cultivate shared interests and hobbies
Discuss your expectations for this new phase of life
Plan for how you'll spend your newfound time together

Embracing the Journey Together

Parenting is undoubtedly one of life's greatest adventures, but it shouldn't come at the expense of your marriage. By prioritizing your relationship, you're not only investing in your own happiness but also creating a stable, loving environment for your children.

Remember, it's not about choosing between your spouse and your children. It's about recognizing that a strong marriage is the foundation of a happy family. By nurturing your partnership, you're giving your children the greatest gift: a model of a loving, respectful relationship.

As you navigate the challenges of parenting, keep communicating, show empathy, and make time for each other. Your marriage - and your children - will thank you for it.

[00:00:06 - 00:00:23]
Lovers. And welcome to another thought provoking episode of Marriage iq. Today we're going to tackle a topic that we've been thinking about for a while, but to be honest with you, it has been one of the weak points in our own marriage and one that we certainly don't have all the answers to.
[00:00:23 - 00:00:23]
Indeed.
[00:00:23 - 00:00:29]
But just like you, it's important for us to look at research. To keep learning.
[00:00:29 - 00:00:29]
Yeah.
[00:00:29 - 00:01:14]
To learn to sit in discomfort when this issue arises, look internally at ourselves and make changes where they're needed. So, Scott, I don't know if you remember this, but years ago when we were about to get married, I was working at a university and my boss, Ida told us, you must put your marriage first, above your children. Well, what the interesting thing about that was Ida had never even been married before. She was quite a bit older than me and had never been married. But based upon her own experience in her family and seeing that I had a child entering marriage, I think she saw the wisdom in that and it took us a while to wrap our head around that.
[00:01:14 - 00:01:23]
It did. Yeah. But it was very wise. Today we're going to be talking about parenting. Yeah.
[00:01:23 - 00:01:27]
And how it impacts marriage and how marriage impacts parenting.
[00:01:27 - 00:01:52]
So some of you might be listening, going, oh, I've already heard this. I read the books. I know what to do. I, I've been there, done that. Why am I listening to this episode? Well, it's just that we might provide a new perspective, a new aha moment. Maybe something you haven't considered. So stay put, listen on. I think you're probably going to learn something new today.
[00:01:52 - 00:01:56]
We did and we're learning with you. So should we dive in?
[00:01:56 - 00:02:14]
Yeah. Our marriage relationship is more important than our parent child relationship. You know, for a lot of people that's kind of scandalous. Very controversial. It's like, that doesn't make any sense.
[00:02:14 - 00:02:32]
You're right. I just a few weeks ago was talking to a woman about this concept and she said, wait a second. I don't know anybody who thinks like that. I don't know anybody who puts their marriage before their kids. I gotta really stop and think about this and wrap my head around it.
[00:02:32 - 00:03:03]
Yeah. Well, look, I don't know about you all, but I have my parenting manual. It's right here. I got it when I was born. Where's yours? So look, we didn't, none of us have parenting manuals. Right. We all come into this fresh. And speaking of that, like as a child, I think we all have some level of trauma inflicted upon us by one or both parents, you know, or.
[00:03:03 - 00:03:07]
What we consider to be trauma. Right. It's traumatic to us. They may not have.
[00:03:07 - 00:03:11]
Right. It's like nobody taught them either. Like they didn't get a manual either.
[00:03:11 - 00:03:11]
Right.
[00:03:11 - 00:03:27]
And so a lot of us coming into this have a lot of baggage from a parent or both parents. And so that's kind of a starting point is, look, we're, we're kind of all together. Let's jump in. Let's not worry too much about what has been in the past and how much we can do in the future.
[00:03:27 - 00:03:32]
Right. We can just, we can recognize it as part of our identity and part of why we might do what we do.
[00:03:32 - 00:03:34]
Yeah. Looking back, it's part of our identity.
[00:03:34 - 00:03:36]
It doesn't mean we have to sit there.
[00:03:37 - 00:03:54]
So for some of you people, this may help explain some of the difficulties you may have in parenting or in marriage. But it is not an excuse. It's not an excuse for future poor parenting by yourself. It is an explanation, not an excuse.
[00:03:55 - 00:04:10]
Right. So to be honest, like I said, Scott and I didn't agree about parenting styles. We can see each other's perspective, but it was really hard for us to ultimately adopt the other person's perspective.
[00:04:11 - 00:04:16]
And I think a lot of times we still have our own perspectives and we don't agree.
[00:04:17 - 00:04:17]
Yep.
[00:04:17 - 00:04:32]
But, you know, it's okay to disagree. Don't shy away from conflict, disagreement. We want to make sure that's, that's clear on this, on this program. Don't seek it out on purpose if you can help it, but don't ignore it either.
[00:04:33 - 00:05:26]
That's true. It is really difficult, though, to disentangle marital and parental processes. Frank Fincham is a great marriage researcher, has been a leader in this field, and he agrees there are processes for each and they're so intertwined, it's really hard to tease them apart. So today we'll try to look at trends and research and things that emerge globally. However, you may find your situation to be a little different, especially if you have special circumstances, maybe like a child with disabilities or severe behavioral problems or addictions or something. So this is more a general look at how our marriage is impacted through parenting.
[00:05:27 - 00:05:46]
We're going to talk about how marriage is impacted with the first child and childhood and as children leave the home and empty nester hood and some different thoughts and ideas of how to make that better.
[00:05:46 - 00:06:01]
Yeah. So, like you all know, I was married before, before I met Scott and divorced and had a little five year old. When we got married, we decided to not wait Too long after we got married to have another.
[00:06:01 - 00:06:18]
Well, yeah, I came home from work and you pulled me back to the back room and didn't say a word to me. I'm like, what is going on? And you just show me this stick and there's two lines on it, the stick, no words, no idea what's going on.
[00:06:18 - 00:06:20]
I'm pregnant.
[00:06:20 - 00:06:23]
So that was exciting.
[00:06:23 - 00:06:25]
It was really exciting.
[00:06:25 - 00:06:33]
That was a rush of all these emotions all at once, like, wow, what is going on? And I gotta, like, be responsible now.
[00:06:33 - 00:06:46]
Yeah. But also for you, you had only had about six or seven months at that point with your first foray into parenthood as. As a step parent.
[00:06:46 - 00:06:46]
Right.
[00:06:47 - 00:06:49]
As well. So you got kind of a double whammy right there.
[00:06:49 - 00:07:29]
Yeah, this is my first. Yeah. First time with both of those things. And I will say, early on it was very difficult for me getting used to the idea of sharing time with Heidi. And there are points where I felt somewhat. I don't know if betrayed is. That's probably too strong of a word, but definitely left out. And I just remember thinking, I don't recall signing up for this. I am really struggling with trying to split time between. Between you and having you split time with. With Cassidy.
[00:07:29 - 00:07:53]
So it was difficult for me as well because there were times when I felt like, wait a sec, I have to give my whole priorities to you. I mean, Cassidy was there for several years before you ever even came in the picture. So that's true. It was a little difficult for both of us or a lot difficult sometimes. But we still had a really good relationship and well, we worked through a lot of things.
[00:07:53 - 00:09:04]
Yeah, a lot of these things that we're talking about, these points. So, you know, one of my big things, if you listen to this for any length of time, cause and effect, the chicken or the egg, what comes first? Like what causes what? And do we have children because our marriage is already great or will having children make our marriage great? It might be both. Sometimes it is. Everyone has different reasons, but research shows that making marriage a top priority first, before having any children leads to better outcomes in both marital and parent child relationships. This all starts before that child is born. The quality of that marital relationship and then having children. So this is called a spillover effect. And the study, Errol et al. In 1995 and Stapleton et al. 2012. And in that study, the Stapleton study, quote, wives were more supportive with their children to their extent, their husbands were more constructive during newlywed problem solving conversations.
[00:09:04 - 00:09:06]
What does that mean for those who.
[00:09:06 - 00:09:28]
So that means that when they were first married, before children come, that their husband's. It's positively correlated to their husband's ability to sit with them and to connect with them, to communicate with them so that they feel supported. The wife, specifically the wife.
[00:09:28 - 00:09:29]
I like that.
[00:09:29 - 00:09:43]
So the, the wife's supportive marital behavior predicted more effectively secure father child interactions. So in other words, the more that the wife supported her husband before the.
[00:09:43 - 00:09:44]
Baby was born or after.
[00:09:44 - 00:10:07]
Before, okay, in whatever he was doing, his, his hobbies, his, his interests, his ideas, his job, that positively affected that future father child relationship. And it's easier to, to make those connections with your child if you feel very supported by your, your wife.
[00:10:07 - 00:10:38]
There is quite a bit of research over a lot of years that shows a decline in marital satisfaction after childbirth. Gottman is one of the researchers on this. Cluer is another one. But there are a lot of factors that go into that, and some of them include, like sleep deprivation, we're shifting roles, my body is leaking at every end. And perhaps a lot of times there's additional financial strain on the couple.
[00:10:38 - 00:10:38]
Right.
[00:10:39 - 00:11:22]
And all of these together create a lot of complicated and new parts to the marriage relationship that a lot of couples are unprepared to face. There's often more conflict, less intimacy, less sexuality. But also there's research that shows there's good news for this as well, because both partners start feeling that they're in the marriage for a partnership, this romance and all of the wonderful parts of it, yeah, they may decline somewhat, but this role as, as partners really steps up and often brings spouses closer to each other.
[00:11:22 - 00:11:29]
So it looks differently than before you had the child. But it's also just as meaningful, if not more, because it changes.
[00:11:29 - 00:11:49]
Right? And research does show that the newness of it tapers off and the satisfaction typically rises again after three years or so in the marriage. Now, if you have children back to back to back, you may be going through lots of ups and downs and it might take a while. A lot of hormones involved there.
[00:11:49 - 00:12:39]
But wait, my kids are not newborns. What do I do now? So kids in the house, like teens? I'll just tell you right now. When I was doing my pediatrics rotation in med school and residency, rule number one, children are not small adults. They're not little adults. They do not think like adults. And so they're just separate creatures. Right. They're not likely to learn emotionally intelligent things like you are, because much later, prefrontal cortex is not really developed yet. Remember that from episode 39, taming emotional triggers. So remember that now that y'all are experts in this handling your own emotions, it doesn't mean that your child will know how to do so.
[00:12:39 - 00:12:40]
Right.
[00:12:40 - 00:12:54]
Every stage of their life demands a different approach and each child is different. So I might be super awesome at, at parenting a toddler, but parenting a teenager. Wait, what? I didn't sign up for this.
[00:12:55 - 00:13:08]
Yeah, that, that was kind of your experience. You had so much fun down on the floor, rolling around with them, kicking balls with them, just having so much fun. When they became teenagers, you just were like, what? What's going on? I don't know about these hormones and.
[00:13:08 - 00:13:10]
These, I don't know what to do here.
[00:13:10 - 00:13:12]
Strange behaviors.
[00:13:12 - 00:13:37]
When teenagers see parents supporting each other. When I support my wife by doing daily chores or intentionally engaging her and talking about her dreams and passions and goals, courting her weekly, or speaking fondly to others around her when she's not around, my teenagers pick up on that. The teens are acutely observant.
[00:13:37 - 00:13:40]
Well, and I think younger children as well.
[00:13:40 - 00:14:36]
And they may not be self reflective very well, but they are very observant. They watch things and they don't tell you. Research shows that parental warmth is essential to maintaining a healthy parent teenager relationship. Parental warmth, it just requires a mind shift. Becoming really vulnerable about a weakness that I might have had when I was their age. That tends to really open up that, that communication. Because teenagers, they, they like hearing stories of vulnerability and authenticity. It's really key. And when I can do that, I noticed that that really helped open up. But it's hard to get there without being honest with myself first and my identity. And modeling vulnerability and authenticity with your spouse in front of your teenage children, that will pay huge dividends.
[00:14:37 - 00:14:39]
Can you think of a story when you've done that?
[00:14:39 - 00:15:07]
I have talked about struggles with not being able to feel like I'm good enough in high school, feeling inadequate, feeling, well, you know, nerdy, unliked and just. Yeah, my inadequacies are feeling inadequate with being able to provide for my family at times. So that among others, those are great.
[00:15:07 - 00:15:17]
Examples of how to really connect with your kids. And as you do that too, I think it makes meaning of some of those adversities and can bring you and your spouse closer together.
[00:15:18 - 00:15:38]
Yeah, I think that some people might worry that their kids know too much or this or that. In my experience, I, I have not ever regretted the things that I've shared with my children about some of my weaknesses. I, I don't. And to this day, I don't regret it. And I feel like it's definitely helped our relationship.
[00:15:38 - 00:19:38]
So that's great. There is some research out there speaking of warmth, that shows parents, when they have mismatched parenting styles, experience a lot more marital conflict. And that's really bad for the kids. The four main parenting styles, you may know this, a lot of people know this, but a lot of people don't in research, are authoritarian parenting, authoritative parenting, permissive parenting, and neglectful parenting. And these styles are based on the works of Diana Baumrind, Eleanor Maccabee and John Martin. And styles differ in how parents provide discipline, warmth, like you said, and how they communicate with their kids. So I just want to give you a quick rundown on each of these authoritative. They're really high in warmth and they're really high in control. They're responsive to their kids, they're supportive of them, but they also set very clear boundaries, they enforce rules and let them know what their expectations are. They, they're expected to do things, but because they balance it with so much warmth, this is the best parenting style. It results in higher self esteem, better social skills, they do better in school, and they're able to regulate their own emotions much better. How does this parenting style impact marriage? Well, generally, it's a pretty positive way. It's actually the most positive. If they're both using this parenting style, they communicate well with each other, they have shared expectations and shared goals, and they share the parenting responsibilities very effectively. The second kind of parenting style is authoritarian. And the thing I hate is that those words are so closely aligned, it's hard to remember which is which. But this has low warmth and really high control. So parents who are falling in this kind of a parenting style are very strict, highly controlling. They expect obedience, like obedience is most important thing, and they're not giving much flexibility. They may give them warmth and love, but the rigidity kind of overshadows that and the children may not recognize the warmth as much. So how does this one affect kids? Well, they're at a much higher risk for having anxiety. They have typically lower self esteem. And a lot of times kids who've been parented in this way are more rebellious or they're very dependent on their parents or even on substances. So how does this kind of parenting style impact marriage? Well, there's usually a lot of conflict if one parent is more lenient and the other is more rigid and it makes it really hard on the marriage and on the kids. The third parenting style is permissiveness, so that's really high in warmth. Lots of love to the kids, but low control. Yeah, they're very loving, but also indulgent. They don't have rules or very few rules, and they don't really follow through with any consequences. Children just have unlimited freedom to come and go as they want. How does this impact the kids? Well, they're really having a rough time with self discipline. They feel entitled a lot of times. And some of the kids who've been raised like this Definitely have big issues with authority because nobody has ever modeled that for them. How does this parenting style impact a marriage? Well, it can create a lot of resentment. If one parent is more structured and the other is more lenient, it can lead to a lot of disagreement about parenting and about discipline.
[00:19:38 - 00:19:39]
Okay.
[00:19:39 - 00:21:16]
The last parenting style is neglect. And for those who are involved in a more neglectful type of parenting, they're very emotionally detached from their children and from their parenting roles. The kids may feel unloved. They don't really provide guidance for their kids. They just let them freefall, you know, like they're on their own. This is probably the most dangerous for kids. They're at much higher risk of poor school performance. They have a lot of behavior problems and a lot of difficulties with emotional regulation as well. If there's a child who's been raised with neglect, most often the marriage problems are already in existence. So this is typically for teachers or for others who are involved with the children in this way. Shows there are some pretty deep marital issues that are causing parents to be totally disengaged from each other and maybe even from their kids, because they have so many other issues. When I interviewed women for my research on betrayal trauma, One thing the moms really talked about was they felt like it impacted their parenting so much. They were so tied into this betrayal trauma with their spouse that they either were neglectful or just yelling. And they couldn't really control their own behavior because they were in a. In a traumatic response. So sometimes during that stage, it'll result in this kind of a parenting style.
[00:21:16 - 00:21:30]
But, Dr. Hastings, I think that I am authoritative. I'm warm, but I'm firm. But my spouse says that I am authoritarian. Authoritarian.
[00:21:32 - 00:21:33]
Yeah.
[00:21:33 - 00:21:35]
What do you manage?
[00:21:35 - 00:21:44]
That we may think that we have different parenting styles than we actually do, and perhaps all we can control is ourselves.
[00:21:45 - 00:22:24]
Well, and I think this is a good plug for sitting down with each other and discussing this intentionally. Is this true? Am I truly the. The awesome parent? I think I am. And have some feedback from. From your spouse, maybe from some other people who, you know, and Love what type of parent a style you have. So that was a great review of those parenting styles. And for kids who are in the house, I think kids, as they grow and move on out, we are no longer really responsible for the choices they make or what they do.
[00:22:25 - 00:23:14]
Even though it doesn't feel like that to me as a mother, a lot of times it does feel like, oh, this is a reflection on me. So, which is. It goes both ways. Right. Like, if they're doing great things, I want to take credit. If they're doing not good things, I don't want to take credit somebody else's fault. So I think just being open to the fact that we do the best that we can to parent, but we also give our children the agency to make their own life's choices, we don't take responsibility for that. Yeah, we, we, we understand that we've done the best that we can with the information that we had with the things that we knew at that point in time. And now we're going to be the, the supporters from the stands, not right on the field with them.
[00:23:14 - 00:23:44]
So now, now that you've gotten your kids out of the house, you get to really find out if you've put your own marriage as a priority. This was hard for us. We thought we've had a very, a great marriage with the kids in the house, but now it was put to the test. That was really hard for a while for you. Really was hard for me. Because you're doing your dissertation, that's why.
[00:23:44 - 00:23:45]
Yeah.
[00:23:45 - 00:23:47]
And I had nothing to do.
[00:23:47 - 00:24:10]
Yeah. So that, that's a really good point. If you know that empty nest stage is coming up in the next few years, start planning ahead of some things that you can do to prepare for that. Because if so much of your life has been built around the kids and then suddenly they're not there, that can be highly distressing.
[00:24:10 - 00:24:11]
Right.
[00:24:11 - 00:24:13]
And impact the marriage.
[00:24:14 - 00:24:46]
So what does research show on all this? Like, how do parents do when kids leave the home? And I, I found some conflicting data. Surprising. Right. However, I think the bulk of the data that we found in the research shows that with children leaving the home and you enter into an empty nest hood, generally speaking, that relationship tends to improve over time. And that's what happened with us.
[00:24:46 - 00:24:47]
Yeah.
[00:24:47 - 00:24:54]
As you adapt, you think about it, you think about, hey, we don't have to worry about children fighting with each.
[00:24:54 - 00:24:56]
Other in the house or making messes.
[00:24:56 - 00:25:44]
You know, all these things that you don't think about when you're had the kids in the house. But it kind of is freeing. And so there are some studies that I looked at. Van Langingham et al. 2001, Tracy, 2021, Davis et al. 2021. Again, I think on net it's a positive effect. However, it can also lead to some deterioration of relationships. And the research supports somewhere about 15 to 20% of empty nesters do divorce after kids leave. They find out, hey, there's really nothing here between us, so watch out on this.
[00:25:44 - 00:25:44]
Yeah.
[00:25:44 - 00:26:12]
Be prepared. Use those love languages, quality time, shared common values. Those all resulted in higher satisfaction. So what are some of these risk factors of marital deterioration with children either in or outside of the house? Just having children. That's one. Having a child is a risk factor. We've already talked about this at the beginning of the episode, but I happen.
[00:26:12 - 00:26:17]
To know also that not having a child is a risk factor. So you go either way.
[00:26:17 - 00:26:34]
Yeah. Getting married younger, less financially stable, that's. That tends to be a risk factor as well. Goblin says 2/3 of the people they studied had heightened conflict, disappointment and hurt feelings after bringing a baby home in the first few months.
[00:26:34 - 00:26:35]
Two thirds.
[00:26:36 - 00:26:38]
So we, we talked about that earlier. That, that is a real thing.
[00:26:38 - 00:26:39]
Yeah.
[00:26:39 - 00:26:43]
And just knowing about it and planning on it.
[00:26:43 - 00:27:16]
Yeah. There was a study that showed that mothers specifically, and this is a risk factor, have a lot of parenting stress that then is directly related to their satisfaction within the marriage. But this study by Dong et al. Did show that if the father shows empathy for the mother when she's feeling a lot of that parenting stress, that mediates it and makes it no longer a risk factor. So just remember empathy, guys.
[00:27:16 - 00:27:30]
Just remember empathy, lack of communication and emotional distance. Couples who avoid discussing parenting challenges are more prone to conflict. That's from Markman et al. 2010.
[00:27:30 - 00:27:46]
That's another good reminder to have those couples councils every week. Those are where we really, every single week talked about our relationships with every single child and what we could do to better support them and what we could do to come together on some things.
[00:27:46 - 00:27:47]
Indeed.
[00:27:47 - 00:27:52]
So now let's talk about some of the protective factors. Okay, here's a good one for you.
[00:27:52 - 00:27:53]
Okay.
[00:27:53 - 00:28:24]
How about just really focus on experiencing the joy of parenthood, feeling fulfilled, and seeing that as a sense of purpose instead of a burden. And look for ways that it blesses your marriage as you create those strong emotional bonds with children. Those relationships with our children and with each other as a family unit can really contribute to our well being within our marriage and to, to their well being.
[00:28:24 - 00:28:30]
That sounds like being intentional because that requires me to sit and think, right? Yeah, I like it.
[00:28:30 - 00:29:18]
And that's from research by Nelson in 2014. Another really big important one is really prioritizing our emotional intimacy and connection. Having small gestures of affection, or it's creating rituals around how as spouses, we interact with our children. Planning quality time, indeed. So if you are spending so much time taking your kids to soccer games, to basketball practices, to swimming lessons, to art lessons, music lessons, that you don't have time for your spouse, you don't have time for those weekly dates, you don't have time for that important connection, then probably it's a good indication that some things need to change in your relationship.
[00:29:19 - 00:29:19]
Indeed.
[00:29:19 - 00:29:27]
Another protective factor is making romance and friendship part of the routine.
[00:29:27 - 00:29:29]
That could be fun.
[00:29:29 - 00:29:44]
Yeah. The way that we co parent, really focusing on taking those roles together. And even though we may have different ways of doing it, really both being involved and being there for the kids is really important.
[00:29:44 - 00:29:48]
And this can come via a weekly couples council.
[00:29:48 - 00:29:49]
Right, right.
[00:29:49 - 00:29:52]
Talk about parenting during that time.
[00:29:52 - 00:29:56]
Right. In the episode with the Joneses, they called it their weekly love fest.
[00:29:56 - 00:29:56]
Yeah.
[00:29:56 - 00:30:31]
What we call couples council. Another protective factor is caring for yourself, prioritizing your personal needs like sleep, exercise, an occasional leisure activity. Some of us work so hard and then we give everything we have to our kids and we're not taking care of ourselves. I know my kids have been really insistent with me about mom. If you just would have set the example on how to do a little bit more self care, I think we would have seen a little bit more balance that you're a real person too.
[00:30:31 - 00:30:33]
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
[00:30:34 - 00:30:42]
And it's always really important if you have family or friends as support that you can turn to when you need some assistance.
[00:30:43 - 00:31:56]
So what can we do this week to better ourselves in parenting? Individually, sit down with yourself and think, what kind of style do I have? And then ask your spouse what he or she thinks you have and then have them do it to you and see if they match. And then look at those parenting styles together. Let's bring this back to the four cornerstones. Identity, intentionality, insight, intimacy. How all of these can work together to know who you are, know where you came from. But don't let that define you. Being intentional as a parent, as a spouse, and what styles you use. How can you do better? Insight learning from today, Learning about things that you might be able to change in yourself. Intimacy. Really getting closer with your spouse. Talking about your children, talking about your approach to your children and how you can improve on that. We hope that you've enjoyed today's episode.
[00:31:56 - 00:32:05]
If watching an episode is more your style than listening to One Jump on YouTube, we've started uploading our episodes on there as well.
[00:32:05 - 00:32:11]
Make sure and like and subscribe to our YouTube channel when you do so, and have a great week.
[00:32:11 - 00:32:12]
All right, Have a great week, everybody.
[00:32:12 - 00:32:13]
Bye.

Heidi Hastings https://www.drheidihastings.com