Episode 44. Reigniting Your Passion with Requests & Repairs: Interview with Monica Tanner
Intimacy is the cornerstone of a thriving marriage, yet many couples struggle to maintain and deepen their connection over time. As a researcher and educator studying couples' dynamics, I've observed that the ability to make requests and repair relationships are two critical skills for fostering intimacy.
Recently, we had the pleasure of speaking with relationship expert Monica Tanner, who shared valuable insights on these topics. Her approach offers practical tools for couples looking to enhance their emotional and physical closeness.
The Art of Making Requests
One of the most underutilized skills in relationships is the ability to make clear, specific requests. Many of us fall into the habit of complaining about what we're not getting, rather than asking for what we want. Tanner outlines a three-step process for making effective requests:
1. Be Willing to Rock the Boat
Don't shy away from expressing your needs. Remember, every complaint has an underlying request. Instead of voicing frustrations, identify what you actually want and be prepared to ask for it.
2. Be Specific and Behavioral
Make your request clear, actionable, and time-bound. For example, instead of asking your partner to "help more around the house," request that they "do the dishes three nights a week."
3. Make It Worth Their While
Acknowledge and appreciate any progress your partner makes towards fulfilling your request. This positive reinforcement encourages continued effort and shows that you notice their contributions.
The Importance of Repair
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how we handle it can make or break our connection. Tanner emphasizes that when one partner initiates repair, it’s the other's job is to listen and understand.
Here's a simplified version of Tanner's repair process:
1. Remember love: Center yourself and recall that you're speaking to someone you care about deeply.
2. Describe what happened: Stick to observable facts, as if describing security camera footage.
3. Share your interpretation: Express what you "made up" about the situation, taking responsibility for your thoughts.
4. Communicate your feelings: Use clear emotion words like frustrated, hurt, or scared.
5. Make a specific request: Ask for what you need moving forward.
"Repair is simple, but it's very difficult if you're not doing it correctly."
Tanner suggests limiting this process to eight sentences maximum, ensuring that the conversation remains focused and manageable.
Applying These Skills to Intimacy
While these techniques can be applied to any aspect of your relationship, they're particularly powerful for addressing intimacy issues. Whether you're seeking more emotional closeness or looking to enhance your physical connection, the ability to make clear requests and repair misunderstandings is crucial.
For couples dealing with intimacy challenges:
1. Be specific about your needs and desires
2. Frame requests positively, focusing on what you want rather than what's lacking
3. Acknowledge that intimacy preferences may differ and be open to compromise
4. Use the repair process to address hurt feelings or misunderstandings around intimacy
Remember, the goal is to create a safe space where both partners feel heard and valued.
Building a Foundation of Trust
Ultimately, these communication skills foster a deeper sense of trust and understanding in your relationship. By learning to express your needs clearly and repair conflicts effectively, you create an environment where intimacy can flourish.
As you practice these skills, keep in mind that change takes time. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work towards a more intimate and fulfilling relationship.
For those seeking to delve deeper into these concepts, I highly recommend exploring Monica Tanner's work. Her podcast, "Secrets of Happily Ever After," offers additional insights and strategies for nurturing lasting relationships.
How do you approach making requests or repairing conflicts in your relationship? Email us with your comments or questions!
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Welcome to Marriage iQ, the podcast for the intelligent spouse.[00:00:08 - 00:00:10]
I'm Dr. Heidi Hastings.[00:00:10 - 00:00:12]
And I'm Dr. Scott Hastings.[00:00:13 - 00:00:30]
We are two doctors, two researchers, two spouses, two lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose. To transform the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed.[00:00:30 - 00:00:31]
With a little fun.[00:00:33 - 00:00:57]
Hello, intelligent lovers, and welcome back to another wonderful episode of Marriage iQ. Monica Tanner is joining us today, and she's a relationship expert, an educator and coach, and a podcaster. She's been specializing in teaching practical tools to help increase intimacy in couples relationships. Welcome, Monica.[00:00:57 - 00:01:00]
Yeah, thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here with you.[00:01:01 - 00:01:23]
I started following you several years ago when you were starting your business, have crossed paths with your content several times over the years, and so it's really an honor for us to have you with us. Would you like to tell us a little bit about how you got into this field of really focusing on making marriages better?[00:01:23 - 00:03:58]
Yeah, I would love to. So I think that my. I want to call it an obsession, because that's what it is with happy relationships and intimate relationships started when perhaps when I was 12 years old. When I was a young girl, I used to love fairy tales and happily ever after stories. And When I was 12, my parents decided to get a divorce. And when they announced that, I was like, wait a second. That is not how happy ending stories are, are how they go. And so I spent a little bit of time feeling sorry for myself and kind of looking around, realizing that a lot of my friends, parents were either divorced or unhappily married or, you know, just kind of trudging through life, not really enjoying the relationship of marriage. And so I wanted to give myself every advantage to figure out how to make that different. Like, I really felt like happily ever after should be attainable. And so I studied family relationships in college. But then I. I met who would eventually be my husband. We decided to get married and start a family. And even after having four children, I thought I would go back to school to get my master's in marriage and family counseling, thinking I had all this experience in marriage. I had learned so much and wanted to help develop and teach and. And do all of that. And I got about a year into a graduate program and ended up thinking, you know what? I don't want to be a therapist. Mostly because as a therapist, you see couples who are at the end of their rope. Like, really, you know, to put it in an analogy, you're. You're seeing blown engines like People who, you know, have tried everything and they just don't get along and they're ready to end everything. I wanted to more be in the prevention. I wanted to be more of the oil change. Like, here are some tactical skills that you can use to make your marriage better before you get to that last ditch effort. I did more coaching and teaching, podcasting and, you know, creating courses to help couples really gain the skills to be able to reignite that passion, to remember why they loved each other, to get on the same page, to learn about conflict resolution and all those things. And I really love helping couples learn the skills of relationship which are really not taught anywhere. Okay, great.[00:03:58 - 00:03:59]
Well, let's dive in.[00:03:59 - 00:04:44]
Yeah. Thank you for sharing on that. I, I wanted to, to ask first because I, I heard you speak recently about making requests, making bids. Like, this is what I would like in our relationship. This is what I would like specifically you to do in this relationship. This is what I'd like to see you do in this relationship. That would help me feel more secure, more connected. And you have a process that you teach that I think can be, that we think can be very beneficial. A lot of people, and we were thinking about how that kind of fits in with, with what we teach.[00:04:44 - 00:05:42]
Yeah. So I think this is really one of the most underutilized skills that would radically change a lot of relationships. And the reason why it's so important is because most humans, and this is just how our brain works, our brain is programmed to find problems. And so most of us, when we are not getting what we want in our relationship, complain. We've got our girlfriends, we go to lunch, we talk about all the things that our, our spouses are not doing. My, my husband never helps around the house. He doesn't change diapers, he comes home late. We complain about all the things that we're not getting in our relationship. We love to complain, but we're also guaranteed not to get more of what we're looking for when we're complaining. Nobody likes to be, you know, complained about and we're not really vulnerably asking for anything, so.[00:05:42 - 00:05:44]
But it feels so good sometimes, right?[00:05:44 - 00:05:51]
Feels so right. It does. Our brain thinks I'm being so assertive because I'm complaining about all the reasons why my spouse sucks.[00:05:51 - 00:05:52]
Feels so comfortable.[00:05:54 - 00:13:34]
Now. Actually, making a request is a pretty vulnerable thing to do because by virtue of it being a request, our partner doesn't have to fulfill it. It's kind of like just an invitation, but if you do it skillfully, there's A way better chance of getting more of what you want if you learn how to make requests. So I love teaching this skill. It's one of my favorite things to teach about. And really, there's just three steps to making a request with a little bit of an epilogue. So the first step to making a good request is one being willing to rock the boat. See, most of us think, oh, I don't want to upset the delicate balance of this relationship. I don't want to put myself out there. A lot of us, you know, especially women, have a hard time even thinking, I can be a good woman and have wants or needs, right? And so once we're like, you know, I've been complaining about this thing. I'm super resentful. It's causing me discomfort. I don't like it. We realize every single time a complaint crosses our brain, whether it's voiced or unvoiced, there's always a request underneath that complaint. So if you find yourself complaining about your partner, I want you to take one moment and figure out if you're complaining that your partner never helps around the house, find the request embedded in that complaint. So I would like my partner to help with blank or, you know, my partner's always late. Your request would be that my partner either figure out time more accurately or communicate about when they're actually going to be home so that I'm not waiting. You know, there. There's always a request under every complaint. So every time you think about complaining about something, figure out what that request is and then be willing to voice it to your partner in an appropriate manner. So I like to say, get a contract. Contracting is a really important part of healthy relationships. So go to your partner and say, hey, there's something I've been thinking about. I'd like to make a request. Is this a good time? I love to use the Holtz. What is that? Whatever acronym acronym. The HALT acronym, Right? So if you're hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, it's probably not a good time. It's probably like, information is not going to go right. So if your partner is just coming in from a very stressful day at work, if they're in the middle of a project, if they're waiting for an important phone call, it's probably not going to be a good time to just start unleashing on them, right? So always get permission and be willing to rock the boat. That's. So that's the first step is once you've secured a good time. So maybe your partner's like, you know what, I need to grab something to eat, change my clothes, then I'll be ready to chat. Right? So find a good time, contract with your partner, get their undivided attention. Number two, teach them exactly what you want. Make it smooth, specific, make it behavioral, and make it time bound. So if your request is to have your partner help around the house, helping more around the house is not a very specific request. That, like, that's not helping your partner win or know what to do. Right. I mean, that could be interpreted in many different ways. A better request specifically would be like, can you do the dishes three nights a week? So that's specific, that's behavioral. Do the dishes, it's exactly what you want them to do. Meaning can you wash the dishes, put them in the dishwasher, unload the dishwasher? That's behavioral and time bound. Three times a week. It would really help me out if on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays you would take over the dishes, do the dishes, unload the dishwasher, whatever. So that's a really good request. Now if you want a plus plus, you're going to add this little bit of extra. Is there anything I can do to help you come through for me? Now, a lot of people be like, why do I have to do something? I'm making a request of them. Well, here's why. Because when you win, your partner wins it. You know, like, helping your partner come through for you is absolutely like worth the effort. So maybe your partner will say something like, yeah, it's hard for me to do the dishes when there's toddlers underfoot. Or sometimes I just can't remember. Right. So maybe you could be helpful by reminding them, like sending them a text or just letting them know, hey, it's Tuesday, this is your dish night. You know, or writing a note or, you know, I'm gonna give the, the kids a bath. So you've got time and space to do the dishes. Right. So that's how you can be most helpful. You can help your partner win and come through for you by asking. And maybe they'll say, nope, I got it. Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, my dish nights. Got it right. Now, the third step, and this is where most people kind of fall off, is that you're going to make it worth their while. You're going to acknowledge and appreciate any progress towards your request. So if your partner did the dishes on Tuesday, forgot on Thursday, but came through on Friday, you're gonna say, oh my gosh, thank you so much for doing the dishes two Nights this week. That was so, so helpful. Is there anything I can do to help you remember to get them done all three nights or it would be giantly helpful if you could actually do all three nights. Right. So step one, be willing to rock the boat. Figure out what the request underneath the complaint is about and contract for a good time to ask. Number two, make your request specific, behavioral and time bound. And number three, make it worth their while. So be willing to rock the boat, help your partner win, make it worth their while. Those are your three steps to a great request. And that little epilogue is now let go. There is a possibility that your partner will not be able to be willing to fulfill your request. And you've got to let it go. You've got to make it a micro disappointment. Now this is kind of a higher level skill, but we got to keep those micro disappointments micro. What we want to do is think, okay, my partner didn't do the dishes. My partner never helps. My partner is a lazy bum and I'm never going to get what I want out of this relationship. Now that is not helpful. That is like universalizing these small disappointments. So this week I the dishes didn't get done on Thursday night. That is a micro disappointment. And it's good to remember that relationships are disappointing sometimes. Our partner, despite our best efforts, despite our best use of these skills are not going to come through for us. And that gives us the opportunity for repair.[00:13:34 - 00:14:13]
So you use the dishes as an example, which I think is a really good idea. Is this customizable to other a lot deeper requests? Like something just much, much more, maybe personal, more more intimate? Let's say a man comes to his wife and wants to ask a bid, a request for something of a sexual nature. Does this work for that as well? Like, this is a lot deeper subject, right?[00:14:13 - 00:16:37]
Yeah. So it's so funny because we always get to this topic. It's very. Yeah, well, because it is important. It's very important. And so I think, yes, making a request around, around sexual, it is so important and possible you would follow the same steps. But you've got to remember, like more sex, again isn't super specific. Right. Maybe your complaint is I'm always initiating sex and therefore I'm always the one who's getting turned down. So maybe I would love it if you would initiate sex once a week. Or I would love it if we could increase the frequency or the quality of our sexual encounters. And so if you are specific and behavioral and you help your partner win, how can I help you with this. Right. And maybe your partner is going to say, well, I feel more open to sex once the kids are in bed and the dishes are done. Right, Right. And so jump on that. Right. Like, help your partner win there. And again, maybe your partner is not going to be willing or able to fulfill that request. Keep on it. Keep with it. Like, what can I do to help you be more available to sexual intercourse? And your partner might say, you know what? We have young kids and I'm exhausted. I'm not getting enough sleep. Sleep. And so in this phase of our lives, it doesn't feel feasible. So you're gonna have to decide now, is that something I can live with or is there something I can do about that? Maybe I do bedtime on those nights, and you can go take a hot bubble bath and relax and have, you know, an hour to yourself, and then it would be more likely. Right? So those are things that you're gonna. I. I call it collaborate on, figure out how you can both win. But I think if that's a. A desire and a need for you, I think continuing to ask for what you want in different ways is. Is really important, actually. I think the passion in a relationship dies when we stop asking for what we need or what we want.[00:16:37 - 00:16:51]
So, Monica, when we're looking at sexuality and a request in that realm, sometimes you may not feel comfortable with what your partner is requesting. How would you approach that?[00:16:51 - 00:18:15]
Yeah. So I think the most important thing to remember with anything, but especially in the area of sexuality, is that you always have a choice. So even if you've agreed to something, you can get part of the way through it and still decide you don't want to do it anymore, or you can experience it with your partner and then decide that you never want to do it again. And so it's really important to remember that you love each other, you're married. Maybe you're willing to try new things, maybe you're not. I do work with couples a lot on being willing to try new things together. But, you know, we all have a history and we all have experiences in the realm of sexuality that are going to either help or hinder our ability. Ability to try different things. And so. But the most important thing to always remember is that you always have choice and to be very upfront with your partner about, hey, if I agree to try this thing with you, if there's at any point I feel uncomfortable or I change my mind or I want to stop, I need you to respect that. And I have to know if I'm willing to do this. I have to know that you're going to respect my limits.[00:18:15 - 00:18:16]
I love that.[00:18:16 - 00:19:00]
Yeah. I think there's a lot of different ways we can look at things. Like, you're right. We all have needs and wants. I think at the same time, there is some incredible value in just sitting with myself and why, why do I want this? Like, I, I have this need, I have this want. How important is it to me? Yeah, I think I'm willing to, to give up, to let go of. Because I'm not always going to get what I want, nor should I, so.[00:19:00 - 00:19:01]
Well, relationship. Right.[00:19:01 - 00:19:03]
Do you agree with that?[00:19:03 - 00:19:05]
Well, partially.[00:19:06 - 00:19:06]
Okay.[00:19:06 - 00:20:08]
I, I, I, I think that you enter into a contract to be with your partner. And so, you know, sexual intimacy is something that you may or may not be willing to forego in that relationship. So you have to decide how important it is to you. Maybe it's not that important. Maybe you can get those needs fulfilled in some other way, but maybe it is really important to you. And that is, I don't think that you should be expected to go without something really important to you. And the, the most important thing to remember is that you always have options. You may not like those options. They might not be good options that you feel, but you always have options. And so you can make that very clear to your partner. I'm not willing to live in a relationship where there is no sexual intimacy or the kitchen is always a mess. Right.[00:20:09 - 00:20:11]
Like, whether it's a, a deep request.[00:20:12 - 00:20:14]
Or a more superficial.[00:20:14 - 00:20:20]
Superficial request, yes. Thinking about how important is this truly to me, can I live with it?[00:20:20 - 00:22:38]
Yeah. Right. And you might not. So I think what happen sometimes as we get really complacent thinking, like, well, we're married, we're locked in. Too bad you don't have any choice. Right. Well, the reality is, if you're not willing to work with me on this aspect of, of life and marriage that's really important to me, then I may have to do something different. Like I'm not willing to, to live the rest of my life without this need being fulfilled. So a lot of times when I talk to couples about this, it has to do with going to therapy. Like, there'll be one member of the partnership who wants to work on some aspect of the relationship and there's another partner who doesn't feel like there's anything wrong. And so the way that I advise them to get their partner to be on board with therapy, they don't have to love it, they just have to show up is to show up at the door. Maybe your partner comes home from work and you say, hey, there's something really important I want to talk to you about. Now be a good time. Sure. Okay. I would really love to go see a coach or a counselor. This is really, really important to me, and I'd like for you to come with me. I've made an appointment for Friday, January 26th. You know, I'm going to go, and I need you to come with me. And then the next day, show up and do the same exact thing. And then the next day come up, do the same exact thing. And if your partner is resistant to it, then say, listen, this is something that's really important to me. If you're not willing to fulfill that request and I'm not going to be willing to make dinner anymore. I mean, I'm not saying just start yanking things away, but I want a relationship that's fulfilling for both of us in all of these ways. And if you're not willing to make an effort, then I'm going to no longer do this or provide this service or whatever. And you can do the same thing when it comes to sexual intimacy. If you're not willing to explore this aspect of marriage that's really, really important to me, well, then I'm not going to be willing to go to work. Or, you know, maybe it's. Maybe it's that harsh.[00:22:38 - 00:22:44]
I don't know if we share that same perspective, but it's totally okay because there may be people who do who are listening.[00:22:45 - 00:23:04]
Well, look, I think it's really. This is why we talk to so many people. Like, it's really interesting to get these different perspectives. I see where she's going with this, though. What can you do? This is a big problem that has to be tackled when this is a game stopper for me.[00:23:04 - 00:23:04]
Yeah.[00:23:05 - 00:23:05]
Okay.[00:23:05 - 00:23:17]
So, Monica, that is an approach that I wouldn't have thought of before to really make it clear to your partner that this is how important this is to me. Right?[00:23:17 - 00:23:17]
Yeah.[00:23:17 - 00:23:18]
Is that what you're saying?[00:23:18 - 00:23:19]
Yeah.[00:23:19 - 00:23:22]
Well, it's. It's part of establishing boundaries too.[00:23:22 - 00:23:22]
Right.[00:23:22 - 00:23:30]
Like, this is a boundary for me and an expectation for me. But. But those are hard questions.[00:23:30 - 00:23:49]
So between here and there, this is my request. And we're either looking at some pretty big boundaries being set, huge boundaries being set. Is there a middle ground? Do you have some tools for repairing, whether big or small, that you found to be really helpful?[00:23:50 - 00:24:41]
Well, we can talk about repair. Repair is, is, is simple, but it's very difficult if you're not doing it correctly. So one thing about repair that I think is exceptionally groundbreaking is the understanding that repair is one way. So where a lot of couples get this wrong, and we were getting it wrong in my own marriage is what would happen is I would be upset about something, and I would go to my husband and I would say, hey, you know, I. I'm really upset about this thing. And he would then take that opportunity to tell me what he was also upset about. And then we aren't getting anywhere because I'm upset about this thing, but he's also upset about this thing. And now where's the repair? Now, we've repaired our grievances, but nothing's getting repaired.[00:24:41 - 00:24:42]
Okay?[00:24:42 - 00:25:57]
And so the. So if you want to put this in, like, customer service terms, you call up the service company and you say, my oven is broken. You don't want them to say, well, our microwave is broken. So that's good point. One way you've got it, Val. Yeah, I don't care about your microwave. I need my oven fixed. Right now, you're both at a total standstill. So if so, when you're in need of repair, you're at the customer service window. Your partner's only job is to understand and to figure out what they can do to make it better. And so once that you start to understand that and you start to implement that, it goes so much smoother. Now, that's not to say that we can't ever get the microwave fixed. It's just in that moment when I start talking about the oven, it means we're going to fix the oven first, and then later we can come back and address the microwave issue. Right now, the thing that's really important to remember about repair, and this takes a little bit of practice, is that I give my couples eight sentences max.[00:25:58 - 00:26:00]
Okay, I like that.[00:26:00 - 00:26:52]
Don't get more than eight sentences. The human brain can only take negative disconfirming criticism for so long before it just starts to tune it out. So if you're a very wordy person, I suggest that you jot it down, that you edit out, like, superfluous parts of it, because you get eight sentences. Rest your concern two for each of these areas. So before you even start with the repair process, you do what I call remembering love, which is, one, remember that the person you're speaking to is somebody that you love and that you live with. And two, remembering that the reason why you're speaking to them is to make things better for both of you.[00:26:53 - 00:26:53]
I love that.[00:26:53 - 00:26:54]
Yeah.[00:26:54 - 00:27:53]
So if you're in a state of disrepair, you. The first thing you have to do is remember love. Right. And that means that right in the moment when you hit that, you know, I'm really upset, really upset that this happened. I need to get it figured out. That's not what the best, most ideal point to initiate some repair. Because you've got to get centered. You've got to get to that place where you're like, I need to go to my partner who I love with all of my heart, who I want to have this great partnership and passionate, intimate life with. And that's why I'm going to have this conversation. Not so that they feel how pissed off I am. Right. So first we're going to remember love. The person I'm talking to is the person I've loved the most in this entire world. And I want to make this better.[00:27:53 - 00:28:11]
That seems like it would build a foundation for everything that would be helpful. Even going back to the previous topic that we discussed that was a little more intense. If we remember this is the person I love and we both.[00:28:11 - 00:28:13]
Oh, before you ask the request.[00:28:13 - 00:28:13]
Yeah.[00:28:13 - 00:28:25]
For both of us to remember. Our goal is to make the marriage the most important thing in our life and the most important relationship and that our. Our goal is to help each other be happy.[00:28:25 - 00:28:26]
Yes. That's so good.[00:28:27 - 00:28:27]
I love it.[00:28:27 - 00:29:09]
So then you get. There's four areas of a repair. Two sentences each. The first one is describe what happened. So this is what the security cam footage would show. Try to keep emotion out of it. Try to keep intentionality out of it. Like, this is what happened. So you came home at 6:45 when you said you would be home at 6, and you walk right past our screaming child who is waiting for you and upset. That's even. Actually, that's even too much. You're assuming that your child was upset because he was waiting for it for.[00:29:09 - 00:29:12]
Yeah, it's the what, not the why. It's just what happened. It's.[00:29:12 - 00:29:14]
It's. Yes, this is what happened. You.[00:29:14 - 00:29:15]
Security camera.[00:29:16 - 00:29:24]
Yeah, like, that's exactly what would the security cam footage report. So here's what happened. First two sentences.[00:29:26 - 00:29:26]
Okay.[00:29:26 - 00:30:06]
What I made up about that is. Okay. So the second sentence is, you can say whatever crazy thing that you're thinking as long as you take responsibility. But this is my sense, this is my story. This is what I make up about it is that you don't care about us and our time that you were doing whatever you were doing and not thinking about Us. Or that, you know, you feel your time is more important, that you know you're selfish. Whatever. You can say all of those things as long as you're taking responsibility. This is what I made up about what happened.[00:30:07 - 00:30:08]
The story I tell myself.[00:30:08 - 00:30:58]
The story I tell myself is that you are inconsiderate and selfish. Okay. The third phase is how I felt about that. And you can say I feel frustrated, I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel scared, whatever those main emotions are. This is how I felt about what happened. And what I'd like from you now, that's the fourth phase. Again, be behavioral and specific. What I'd like from you now is to apologize to your kids and to me for not valuing our time and not calling when you knew you were going to be 45 minutes late. Okay. And that's the repair process.[00:30:58 - 00:31:01]
Is it repaired at that point or is there more to it?[00:31:01 - 00:32:38]
Well, you have to be willing to let it go. You have done what you needed to do. You initiated the repair, you did the repair process. Now you've got to let it go. Now, your partner's job during repair is, I think, more difficult is to be willing to listen without getting defensive, without listing all the reasons why you were late. Right. And this is what takes practice, is listening to your partner's concerns or what they need repair around being as generous as humanly possible, giving them as much as you possibly can by taking responsibility. You're right. I was 45 minutes late. I wasn't valuing your time. I wasn't thinking about the fact that you were sitting here, dinner on the table, waiting for me to come home. I didn't call, and that was totally a jerk move. And I will right now apologize to the kids and to you for being late. And I will do my best to work on that. Right. So lead with what you're willing to give, what you're willing to acknowledge about. About what happened. And if you're willing to fulfill that forced area of request. Right. So that is the skill of repair, both asking for and being the listener in the repair process. And it takes practice. It does take practice, but it's awesome.[00:32:38 - 00:32:47]
When it works and you find it very successful within the people that you work with. It sounds like such a great.[00:32:47 - 00:34:11]
The. The two things that I think are just the most mind blowing for people is a. That repair is one way street. Like, you don't get to like rebuttal. Like you, the partner who's in disrepair comes to the other partner. And if you're first, you're first. Right. Like maybe you're both pissed, but whoever initiates the repair gets to go first. And the other person does not get to pile on or do their part until later, after you've tended to the partner who's in disrepair. Then a couple hours later, you're like, hey, I'm also upset about what happened. Here's my take on it, right? Then you get to be at the customer service window and your partner is listening to you. So that, that understanding that it's a one way street and two, the eight sentences is huge. Huge. Because then your partner knows that you're not coming to them and they're going to have to sit there for 45 minutes and listen to you complain and gripe and talk about all the ways in which they're falling short yesterday and like 12 years ago. Right. You know, like, okay, this is going to be quick. We're going to get right to the point. She's going to tell me how I can fix it.[00:34:12 - 00:35:05]
We really appreciate you coming on today, Monica. This has really been interesting and I like how we can integrate this into our four cornerstones of identity, intentionality, insight, and intimacy. I think specifically in regards to that part where we, we're doing a request because we do talk about intentionally taking time with each other. And so, yeah, I think this could be a tool for both wife and husband as they approach that, because asking for requests is really one of the deepest things you can do. And so we have to be prepared. We have to be intentional. And so these tools you've given, I think is going to be very, very helpful in that. And then the repair, again, it's a part of being intentional.[00:35:06 - 00:35:17]
You have really, both are so much a part of just growing our intimacy, becoming more intimate with each other because we can talk about those hard things in peaceful ways.[00:35:18 - 00:35:18]
Yeah.[00:35:19 - 00:35:21]
So thank you very much.[00:35:21 - 00:35:28]
So, Monica, if our listeners are interested in finding you and learning more about the work you do, where can they find you?[00:35:28 - 00:35:50]
Yeah, so everything you need to know about me can be found on my website, which is just my name, monica tanner.com so M O N I C A T-A-N-N-E-R.com so you can find information about my podcast, which is Secrets of Happily Ever After. You can find me on Instagram or find out how to learn more about my coaching.[00:35:50 - 00:35:55]
That's great. Thank you. And everybody, until next time, have a good week.[00:35:56 - 00:36:07]
Thank you so much. And remember, the intelligent spouse knows that to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage first requires a change in themselves.[00:36:07 - 00:36:24]
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