Episode 43. From Victim to Victor: The Hidden Shortcut to Resilience
Feeling stuck in pain, resentment, or betrayal in your marriage? You’re not alone. But what if the path from victimhood to empowerment is closer than you think?
In this powerful episode of Marriage IQ, we confront the difficult but crucial topic of victimhood in relationships—how it takes hold, why it keeps us stuck, and most importantly, how to break free. Through real-life examples, we unpack how shifting your mindset can transform even the most painful experiences into catalysts for growth, strength, and deeper connection.
What You'll Learn:
✅ The hidden ways trauma shapes your marriage dynamics
✅ How to grieve past wounds without staying trapped in resentment
✅ The key to regaining control—without waiting for your spouse to change
✅ Practical strategies to move from feeling stuck to feeling strong
Whether you're working through a betrayal, struggling with unmet needs, or simply looking to reclaim emotional resilience, this episode will give you the tools and perspective to break free. Because healing doesn’t depend on what’s been done to you—it depends on what you choose to do next.
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[00:00:01 - 00:00:56]
Hello to all you scintillating lovers out there. Welcome back to another breathlessly exciting, compelling, and engaging episode of Marriage iq. We love you, and we mean it. And we hope that you're able to feel that love oozing from us and seeping through your phone, laptop, or TV directly to you. Even though we may never met before, we want you to know we love you. On today's episode, we'll be talking about yucky things and what we make of them and what we do with them when it's over. What meaning do we derive from them? Things that make us squirm. In this podcast, we talk about how we transform a stinky marriage into a scintillating one. And it first requires a change in ourselves. We mean that.[00:00:56 - 00:01:10]
We do. But, Dr. Hastings, you have no idea what kind of spouse I have, what kind of person I'm married to. It's not right for you to say that I'm the one that needs to change. They are the ones with the issues.[00:01:12 - 00:01:33]
You know you're right. Consider this. You can be right or you can be married. Which one do you choose? We have shown previously that living your best life requires a spouse. There's pretty convincing data on this. What do you think?[00:01:34 - 00:02:03]
Well, I. I know you and I visit with a lot of individuals and a lot of couples who may have that mindset that they're not the ones with the issues, but it's their spouse. So I think there are certain patterns that show up over and over again. And so maybe what we can do is take a look at three common patterns and share those with our listeners of what that kind of dialogue looks like.[00:02:03 - 00:02:05]
Let's jump right in.[00:02:05 - 00:02:36]
Okay, so first of all, first, spouse. Spouse number one, my spouse cheated on me, and then they lied about it, and then they gaslit me to make me feel like I was going crazy. And I just can't get over it. Even all these years later, every time I think about it, I just lose it. I get so angry about what they did to me, and I get triggered, and I think about it, and I have all these emotional reactions, and I start crying.[00:02:36 - 00:02:37]
Okay.[00:02:37 - 00:03:10]
Okay. So that's, number one, pretty traumatic. It is. Number two, my spouse is totally checked out of this relationship. I come home from work, they come home from work, and we're like strangers in the night. We barely talk to each other. We barely glance at each other or acknowledge each other's presence. And when they do speak to me, they're angry and they're yelling and they're critical. Really? I think I'd rather be roommates with a random stranger than with my spouse.[00:03:11 - 00:03:12]
Ouch.[00:03:12 - 00:03:43]
Okay, so number three, my spouse never supports me and never supports my opinions, especially when it comes to the kids. I want to hold my children responsible for their actions. I want them to learn how to be better, responsible people through experience. But then my spouse goes behind my back and gives our children exactly what they want. I feel undermined. I feel so angry. I have no power in this relationship.[00:03:44 - 00:04:40]
Well, those are three really rough examples. But when I hear this, I just want to blurt out, then just get a divorce. You can either be right or you can be married. As I said before, take your pick, but just stop the negative energy and just leave. Is this poor advice? Perhaps. But I don't know what is being served by constantly trudging up old stuff. Are they looking for allies? Do these spouses feel justified in the responses by repeating them over and over again? What and who does this serve? If you have no plans to divorce your spouse, then find a way to divert that negative energy. What do you think, Heidi?[00:04:40 - 00:04:45]
Well, I rarely recommend that anybody get a divorce.[00:04:45 - 00:04:47]
Well, I don't either, but I.[00:04:47 - 00:05:22]
There are so many things between point A and point Z that can be tried. And, yeah, sometimes it doesn't work. In my own life, I got a divorce. But there are so many things that you can do to work on your own self that can either magnify the fact that this marriage isn't going to work or that can totally change both of you and create a new marriage. I don't even like hearing. I call it the D word. I don't even like it. I know it's. I know it's necessary sometimes. For sure.[00:05:23 - 00:05:30]
Yeah. So all I'm trying to do is help people think all the way down that row, the row that we're watering.[00:05:30 - 00:05:31]
Is this really what you want?[00:05:31 - 00:05:42]
Yes. Is this really what you want? Because if it's not, just save yourself some time and energy and stop talking about it, okay? Otherwise, get divorced.[00:05:42 - 00:05:48]
Okay, you're right. I do not like it when I hear people bringing up and threatening divorce over and over and over.[00:05:48 - 00:06:00]
So that. That's my only point on this. So what are these stories that we tell ourselves? You know, it's interesting. I was thinking about my own life. I am both a victim and a hero in my own stories, in my mind. Right?[00:06:00 - 00:06:01]
Yeah.[00:06:01 - 00:06:22]
I heroically go to work every day and bring home a paycheck. I'm a hero. Praise me. And yet I'm a victim in my Own home. Nobody pays attention to me. They don't appreciate me. They don't appreciate all the hard work I do. I'm a victim.[00:06:22 - 00:06:24]
I appreciate you, honey.[00:06:25 - 00:06:31]
I justify rational. Look, this doesn't happen in our home, just so you know, like.[00:06:32 - 00:06:36]
But we all go through those times that we feel like we're either.[00:06:36 - 00:06:44]
I went through this in the past. Yes. Yeah. So how do we become victims in the first place? It's a great question.[00:06:44 - 00:06:50]
That is a good question. And I think to better understand that, we need to talk about trauma.[00:06:50 - 00:06:51]
I agree.[00:06:51 - 00:07:20]
A lot of my research has been focused on trauma, so I really like talking about this. First of all, there are big T traumas, very, very traumatic experiences that cause ptsd. And there are little traumas. All of us as humans have trauma in our lives, and they differ from person to person. So we can't indulge judgment on another person's experience, big or small. That's just how it is.[00:07:20 - 00:07:21]
Yeah.[00:07:21 - 00:07:52]
So big T traumas. If you were just out on the street and asked other people, would you call betrayal by a spouse trauma? A lot of people would say yes. If you said, if I was in a war and I watched death and bloodshed, would you consider that to be traumatic, a big T trauma? Most people would say yes. Same with again, catching a spouse in an affair, a death of a child, partner violence, sexual abuse, natural disasters.[00:07:52 - 00:07:53]
Yeah.[00:07:53 - 00:08:02]
Wars, chronic illness, having a spouse with a gambling addiction or drugs or different things like that.[00:08:02 - 00:08:04]
So you're saying most people would agree that.[00:08:04 - 00:08:06]
That all those are traumatic.[00:08:06 - 00:08:09]
That's kind of a big T trauma. People would agree on that.[00:08:09 - 00:08:43]
Okay, so then little T traumas then, on the other hand, are experiences we have in life. They could be emotional experiences. They could be non physical abuse, emotional abuse, or different things. It could be things like growing up in a household where both parents were working and you were home by yourself all the time. It might be something your mother said to you that influenced you negatively and defined part of your life that has a negative impact on some people. And other people, they don't experience it the same way.[00:08:43 - 00:08:48]
These are kind of traumas that if you ask people on the street, they would not necessarily agree that they're traumatic.[00:08:48 - 00:09:42]
You would maybe have a few people that would. But not everyone would agree. Some people would say, oh, no, that was my life. And it, you know, we yelled at each other, we screamed at each other. That's just how it was. But in another home, if someone was yelled at or screamed at, that would be considered a traumatic thing. So Little T traumas, like I said, very wildly between individuals. And it's rooted in several different things. But some of the things are personality traits, genetic makeup, emotional health, mental health, and especially, like I said, some of those childhood experiences. Some people may feel impacted, as if a little T trauma is a big T trauma, while others may not think anything of the little T traumas, just the fact that maybe they. There are several that pile up together.[00:09:42 - 00:09:43]
Do you have an example on that?[00:09:43 - 00:10:30]
I do. In my research, again, I interviewed a lot of women who had experienced betrayal trauma. And two of the women who had the most significant symptoms of ptsd, those physical, emotional, psychological, physiological responses had very different experiences. The first one learned that her husband had been with over 250 prostitutes throughout their marriage. She thought that was probably a low number. Her body physically fell apart. Her depression, her anxiety, she, she ceased really functioning. She couldn't even walk.[00:10:30 - 00:10:31]
Okay.[00:10:31 - 00:10:41]
The other person that had a very close match on those PTSD type symptoms had only seen one pornographic picture on her husband's phone.[00:10:41 - 00:10:42]
Wow.[00:10:42 - 00:10:44]
And yet they both, both had very.[00:10:44 - 00:10:50]
Similar looking at porn once versus 250 prostitutes. Same response.[00:10:51 - 00:11:11]
She was innocent and had great values and expected something very differently from her, from her husband. And I don't know what her childhood experiences were, but she couldn't think, she couldn't speak, she couldn't even follow a recipe. She would describe things like going to the grocery store and just being in such a state of confusion.[00:11:11 - 00:11:11]
Wow.[00:11:11 - 00:11:16]
That had lasted for a couple of years. So we really can't define other people's.[00:11:16 - 00:11:38]
Right. Trauma. That's true. I, I think a fundamental difference between big T and little T trauma is those experiencing little T traumas as big T traumas have not intentionally set boundaries in their own mind of what they will and won't accept. So they haven't sat down with themselves and, and set out these boundaries.[00:11:38 - 00:11:51]
That's really interesting. Do you think perhaps also they may have thought about what they will and won't accept and they've made assumptions about it, but never communicated about it sufficiently with their spouse?[00:11:51 - 00:11:53]
Perhaps. Yes.[00:11:53 - 00:12:39]
So I have an example to share from, from our family about how we see things differently. So we have this sweet little dog named Molly and she was 15 years old before she passed away about a year ago. I personally took her on walks almost every day and she would sit under my desk when I would work. She was very close to me all the time. And yet when she passed away in my arms, it, it didn't hit me like a trauma. It was really sad. Oh, it was really, really sad. Not traumatic, but it wasn't traumatic. And it still makes me a little bit emotional, but it wasn't traumatic because I felt like that was such a natural, just path of life.[00:12:39 - 00:12:40]
Okay.[00:12:41 - 00:12:43]
What was your experience with that?[00:12:43 - 00:13:14]
Well, I experienced it as a little T trauma. I. I remembered all the times, the many, many years. I mean, that Molly was with our family growing up, and that's all the kids knew. And so remembering that produced a little T trauma in me. It wasn't something that was life altering. We do have a child who experienced a big T trauma.[00:13:14 - 00:13:25]
And, yeah, it was devastating for her. Devastating. She couldn't go to work for a few days. She still. Every time she comes to the house, it's so hard for her.[00:13:26 - 00:13:29]
So I have to ask, who's wrong right here?[00:13:29 - 00:13:36]
I have to ask myself, because I didn't experience this as a trauma, am I wrong? Is something wrong with me?[00:13:36 - 00:13:41]
Am I wrong? Should I be spending more emotional capital on our little dog who died?[00:13:41 - 00:13:47]
Or is our daughter wrong? Is she just unable to experience the ups and downs of life?[00:13:48 - 00:13:50]
So we need to make space for all of this.[00:13:50 - 00:13:51]
Yeah. Yeah.[00:13:51 - 00:14:21]
Here is my theory, Scott's theory on trauma. My opinion, big T trauma cannot be processed by emotionally intelligent statements like, I feel statements. It is in and of itself not a period of reflection. It is a period of pure, raw, guttural, sudden change in your entire nervous system.[00:14:21 - 00:14:25]
Right. I think that's so insightful.[00:14:25 - 00:14:33]
So we can't. Yeah, we can't emotionally, intelligently talk ourselves out of big T trauma like we can with little T trauma.[00:14:33 - 00:14:50]
So if you're. If you're in shock or if you are in this state of not understanding really what reality is because things have just been so turned upside down, give yourself some grace during that time.[00:14:50 - 00:14:50]
Right.[00:14:51 - 00:15:17]
And give your partner some grace in that time as well. So, Scott, now that we've talked about trauma, I want to go back and start talking about being the victims in our own story. Yes, we as humans are all victims at some point or another in our life. And for some, this is truly more vile than it is for others. And I don't want to minimize that at all.[00:15:17 - 00:15:17]
Yes, that's true.[00:15:18 - 00:15:35]
There is such a thing as being victimized by acts that we don't collaborate in at all, especially in cases of abuse. We are not here today to say that such victims are responsible for their traumatic experiences.[00:15:35 - 00:15:47]
Right. Well, and I want to go back to even with these really, really big T traumas like you talked about, there Is a way out. We can talk right. About working the program.[00:15:47 - 00:16:09]
And I think because so much of my research aligns with this, we're going to weave that narrative from some of my interviews as examples. But really you can find examples in lots of different areas of life. This is just one that I have so many stories and examples on that we're going to keep bringing that up.[00:16:09 - 00:16:32]
So we can take something that happens in marriage and turn it into a lifetime of victimhood. Sometimes very easily. And I may feel victimized by something that you said that I felt bad about.[00:16:32 - 00:16:33]
And you're going to keep digging it.[00:16:33 - 00:16:53]
Up and I keeping it up, ruminating and become. So that's a. That's an example that I can easily think of. Feeling victimized may come more easily to those who have lived in a sheltered and protected life. Those who tend to feel emotions very deeply with difficulty expressing them.[00:16:54 - 00:16:54]
Okay.[00:16:54 - 00:16:57]
Those who've experienced severe and repeated trauma.[00:16:57 - 00:16:59]
Okay, that makes sense.[00:16:59 - 00:17:09]
Those who fundamentally believe that they are not in control of their own life. It's called an external locus of control. Like, I'm not in control of my life.[00:17:09 - 00:17:12]
These bad things just keep happening to me over and over. Okay.[00:17:12 - 00:17:54]
And those are unable to see their own role in bad things that happen to them. Believe it or not, narcissists tend to feel victimized. Say what? They are exerting control and superiority by forcing others to pity them. And they lack insight. They'll never ask themselves. Well, mainly don't ask themselves, am I the one playing a victim here? There's an example of this. A woman who faked cancer so that she could make money and gain control over the people who showed pity on her. That is, I think, the ultimate example of narcissism. Playing the role of a victim.[00:17:54 - 00:18:46]
Interesting. So how can we recognize if we are in that victimhood mentality? First of all, do we blame others and avoid personal responsibility? Never look at it from a viewpoint of did I play a part in this at all? Do I have any part of this that I need to take responsibility for? Do I feel powerless? There's nothing that I can do to change my situation. I'm just stuck. Do I feel resentful and bitter? I may be holding grudges and I may be angry at others all the time for how they've treated me? Treated you? How you've treated me, how you treated my kids, whatever. Or the constant belief that life is unfair and everybody else has it easier than me?[00:18:47 - 00:18:47]
Yeah.[00:18:48 - 00:19:02]
Another way to know if you are in victim mentality is if you're constantly seeking validation. And if you're often seeking sympathy and for your struggles, another one that you see often in marriage, Scott, is triangulation.[00:19:02 - 00:19:02]
Okay.[00:19:02 - 00:19:11]
And that is when we bring in a third person, whether it's a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend, to talk about how terrible our spouse is.[00:19:11 - 00:19:12]
Yeah.[00:19:13 - 00:19:29]
This is simply seeking validation that we're the victim and it's very destructive. And lastly, if I have perpetual negative thinking, that can be a pretty good sign that I'm in that victim mentality.[00:19:29 - 00:19:35]
Everything is seen through a lens of a just negative, dark right in life.[00:19:35 - 00:19:50]
Right. A victim mentality can really make it hard to move forward or take steps to improve your life. We're stuck in those same patterns without looking for solutions. Just everything is bad all the time.[00:19:50 - 00:19:52]
No solutions.[00:19:52 - 00:20:09]
Right. And I will say in my research, there were some people who were in that crisis period following discovery of betrayal for a year or two, and there were some that were in it for a decade or two.[00:20:09 - 00:20:10]
Okay.[00:20:11 - 00:20:32]
Part of it had to do with shame, but part of it had to do with not using their power, not using their agency, just simply blaming others. So by opening our eyes and looking for possible solutions to how to move out of this state and realizing this isn't where happiness occurs, do you have some ideas?[00:20:32 - 00:22:00]
I have some solutions now that you speak of it, yes. So some solutions, tools for victims to use after experiencing trauma and helping to move through that victimhood. Number one, grieve the trauma, sit in it, acknowledge it. If you don't, you can't move out of it. Don't try to deny it. You are allowed the space to grieve what has been lost or what never will be. This is okay and part of the human experience, whether it's a big T or little T trauma. Like I said before, the big T traumas are exempt from any emotionally intelligent strategy. You gotta have time to just sit in that for a while. Little T traumas, that time is going to be really short. You can't use I feel statements in the face of what feels like the equivalent of a plane crash. Regarding marriage, research by Gordon et al. 2004 Journal of Marital and Family Therapy suggests that it may take up to six months for a betrayed spouse to move away from anger, outbursts, panic and otherwise emotional reaction before they are able to move into a state of self reflection. So this is a true victim stage and you are the victim.[00:22:01 - 00:22:40]
I would disagree with some of that. Okay, again, like I said, I believe that women or betrayed partners. In my research, it was women but that doesn't mean that's who it always is. They need time to work through their trauma and no one can put a timeline on how much time that should take. And so when husbands or, or the betrayer is saying, come on, it's already been six months, or come on, it's already been a year, or it's already been two years, stop. Don't tell them how much time it should take.[00:22:40 - 00:22:56]
Yeah. However, I think on the role of the betrayer, I, I think that it is fair to ask what is a general length of time to move through this so they, they can start planning like it's.[00:22:56 - 00:23:02]
But. But the betrayed partner in all of their planning didn't have truth and didn't have answers.[00:23:02 - 00:23:06]
Yes, you're right that sometimes, yeah, very.[00:23:07 - 00:24:01]
But I would say showing empathy is going to make a big difference. Being integritous to a fault is going to be very helpful for this. But also from the betrayed person's point of view, yes. If you're just sitting in this for decades, if you're sitting in it for even more than a couple of years without taking action to help yourself heal, you're missing out on some of the very best parts of life that you could be having. Because what's on the other side of healing is phenomenal. And when I went through a divorce, if I had just stuck in that victim mentality for year after year, I think it would have either been same song, different verse, or I never would have gotten another relationship again.[00:24:02 - 00:25:40]
Okay, well that is very insightful. So number two on our solutions for turning from victim to victor, examine ourselves. Look, we all feel like victims. Traumatic experiences play a role in our lives. Take responsibility right now for your life. Ask yourself, is the story I'm telling myself true or not? Could the possibility exist that I'm just simply wrong? Using I feel statements and internal self awareness and insight help us learn and grow. We talked about I feel statements as part of emotionally intelligent marriage in episode 39. So back to our previous example on marriage. Research suggests that it takes at least six months for most betrayed spouses to just even start stabilizing and moving into this said space that allows for insight like I feel statements. Does this terrible, horrible story have another perspective to it? Can I consider my spouse's experience in this whole thing? Is there the slightest possibility that I have something to do with what happened? In some studies it takes up to two years. Olson et al. 2002 Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. And again, you may not agree with me. I know you Said that you can't put a timeline on it.[00:25:41 - 00:25:55]
Yeah, I think to say, did the spouse have something to do with it? Is maybe the spouse to blame? You can't say that. But what my research did show.[00:25:55 - 00:25:56]
Disagree with you.[00:25:56 - 00:26:40]
It's okay. What my research did show is once the. The betrayed spouse could move out of that victim mentality and into a place of healing, taking care of themselves, getting the support and resources they needed, they were able to see weaknesses within themselves and admit those. They were also able to look at their spouse's perspectives and, you know, almost all of them could look back and see with some sort of compassion that they played a part in it. But that didn't come for those women until they had fully engaged in healing.[00:26:40 - 00:26:54]
Healing. But. So it does sound like you do, at the end of the day, agree with me that the spouse, the betrayed spouse does broach the question, did I have anything to do with some of this?[00:26:55 - 00:26:57]
They often do. But it.[00:26:57 - 00:26:58]
It takes a long time.[00:26:58 - 00:27:03]
It does, yes. It depends how willing she is to start using her agency to heal.[00:27:03 - 00:27:08]
And I guess I'm talking from the. The perspective of the. The betrayer.[00:27:08 - 00:27:09]
Not that you've ever.[00:27:09 - 00:27:20]
No, not that I. I've just. As a man, like, I want to know, like, what am I in for? Two years, a year? Like, just. I just need to know, and you.[00:27:20 - 00:27:22]
Don'T get to know. Sorry.[00:27:22 - 00:27:34]
Yeah, I. But I think this study, the research, though, that, that we've done, it does give a general idea of how long it takes the betrayed to move through these stages.[00:27:34 - 00:27:51]
That is, if they're both accessing the resources they need to be accessing. If great integrity. Like I said, it's building of intimacy. And by that, I don't mean sexuality. I mean intimacy. And both people working their programs, I.[00:27:51 - 00:27:59]
Want to prepare for a marathon, not a sprint. So I really need to get mentally prepared to make this work.[00:27:59 - 00:28:06]
Just be prepared to be kind and loving and understanding and empathetic for a really long time.[00:28:07 - 00:28:30]
All right. So we can find this pattern in other circumstances, too. I know at work I had a former employee who I would meet with on a regular basis, and we talked about things to be responsible for if things went wrong. And it was always someone else's fault. And I thought she.[00:28:30 - 00:28:31]
She reported that.[00:28:31 - 00:28:33]
She reported it was. It was all these things that went.[00:28:33 - 00:28:36]
Wrong that you told her she had done wrong. She would.[00:28:36 - 00:28:37]
Explaining it was always someone else's fault.[00:28:37 - 00:28:38]
So there's that blaming. That's.[00:28:38 - 00:29:16]
And so I thought, okay, you know, that, you know, you're not perfect. Nobody's perfect. Oh, yeah, yeah. I know that. You. Okay. You know that we all mess up. Oh, yes, I understand that. But then when it really came down to it, I mean, she acknowledged it in theory, and I think we all do, but when it really came down to it, she couldn't let it go. It was always someone else's fault. And so blaming others was her approach every time. Fascinating. Oh, he. After all this time trying to talk it through. Anyway, so let's.[00:29:16 - 00:29:28]
Let's talk then about the third thing that we can do to come out of that victim mentality and move into a more resilient frame of mind.[00:29:29 - 00:29:30]
Okay. And what's that?[00:29:30 - 00:29:33]
And that is game perspective and understanding.[00:29:33 - 00:29:34]
Ooh. Yeah.[00:29:34 - 00:29:44]
What's my spouse going through? What's the story they're telling themselves? What has happened in their life that may have impacted this?[00:29:44 - 00:29:45]
Yeah.[00:29:45 - 00:30:01]
What are some things that I might have done in the past that pushed them away from me? What am I doing to harm this relationship? Is there any responsibility that I have in this? And understanding, I think, is even a.[00:30:01 - 00:30:06]
Deeper level of perspective and emotional intelligence.[00:30:07 - 00:30:07]
Yes.[00:30:08 - 00:30:16]
So speaking of that, Heidi, I want to go back to the examples in the beginning of this episode, the three different examples.[00:30:16 - 00:30:17]
Okay.[00:30:17 - 00:30:28]
Remember spouse number one. Spouse number one said their spouse cheated on them and lied about it. They gaslit them. Remember they made him go crazy.[00:30:28 - 00:30:29]
Right.[00:30:29 - 00:30:38]
Well, guess what? What if spouse number one was married to spouse number two? Remember spouse number two?[00:30:38 - 00:30:42]
Yep. The one that was I come home from roommate syndrome.[00:30:42 - 00:30:50]
They come home from work, we don't even talk. We're room. We're not even like roommates. I'd rather have a random roommate. You remember that one?[00:30:50 - 00:30:50]
Yep.[00:30:51 - 00:30:55]
That kind of throws a little perspective in on this whole thing, doesn't perspectives?[00:30:55 - 00:31:04]
Two different ways of understanding. And actually, either spouse number one or spouse number two can also be married to spouse number three.[00:31:05 - 00:31:05]
That's right.[00:31:05 - 00:31:09]
It could be any combination of those, and we see those all the time.[00:31:10 - 00:31:16]
Yeah. So you're talking about gaining insight and just seeing their other. The other person's point of view.[00:31:16 - 00:33:45]
What is their perspective, and is there any validity to it? Dr. C. Terry Warner has a whole chapter on how, as humans, we make victims of ourselves in his book, the Bonds that Make Us Free. We both really highly recommend this book. He shares that understanding self betrayal and self victimization can soften our accusations of others. It can open us to acceptance of their efforts and enable us to let go of our accusing attitudes and emotions. And with that said, if we're carrying around a lot of heavy emotions on the emotion wheel that we've shared with our listeners. Those negative ones, yeah, this is a good time to just unpack that bag and let those go. By looking at ourselves and seeing if we're in victim mentality and instead embrace compassion for our partner, for our spouse. So number four, focus on what I can control. As we focus on what the things are within our relationship that we can control personally, we're going to shift from blaming our spouse to taking accountability and focusing again on things that we control, such as our own choices, our own reactions, our own behaviors. This, though, is going to really include changing our internal dialogue. Instead of saying, I can't do this because he won't let me, or I have no power, instead saying things like, I am powerful and I can do things, I want to give you some examples of some specific ways that we can only look at what we can control. So one of those is setting boundaries. I don't know if some of you are familiar with Mel Robbins. Mel Robbins, she's really big youtuber, Instagrammer, she's an attorney and is also an author. And she proposes the let them theory that my sister introduced me to. This is really important for avoiding this trauma in the future. It's setting a boundary for yourself and what other people choose to do is none of my business.[00:33:45 - 00:33:48]
Okay, so you're not setting boundaries for other people.[00:33:48 - 00:33:50]
I'm setting boundaries for myself.[00:33:50 - 00:33:52]
I think that's important to realize the difference.[00:33:52 - 00:35:24]
If my friends are going off to lunch and they don't invite me, let them. Don't be offended about it. Don't be upset about it. If my spouse falls asleep after dinner, rather than helping me clean things up, let him. Let them stop trying to control what others do by placing boundaries around me, not around them and what they should be doing. Okay, so that's the first one. The second part of what I can control is find resources. If I have big T trauma, types of things going on that I feel like, like a victim. Whether it's big T trauma with my spouse or something I've experienced in life that is impacting my marriage, I need to use my power, my agency, to find resources. That could be podcasts, it could be books, it could be YouTube videos, it could be therapists, and a lot more as well. But if the resources that I'm looking at keep me in victim mentality, if they paint my role as the victim, rather than helping me rise above victimhood to a place of resilience and transformation, my Recommendation is put it down, turn it off, close it. Look for resources that help you become more resilient and even transformed. So number five, do you want to take that one? Scott?[00:35:24 - 00:36:32]
Let go of resentment. This may take up to five years or more for spouse who is working their program, not relapsing, taking responsibility and showing great empathy for their spouse. There's a great book I read a few years ago. It's called Letting Go by David Hawkins. In it, he has some really great quotes. One of them is Letting go is like the sudden cessation of an inner pressure or the dropping of a weight. It is accompanied by a sudden feeling of relief and lightness. And surrender is a constant process of not resisting or clinging to the moment, but of letting things be as they are. By letting go of your thoughts and feelings that cause you pain, you can become free. It reminds me of one of my favorite movies, Star Wars, Obi Wan Kenobi to Darth Vader, if you. If you kill me now, I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine. And he did, because he learned how to let go.[00:36:33 - 00:37:21]
It's important for us to. To acknowledge our challenges, but also identify that some opportunities can be seen. And again, I think you framed this in the very beginning of as what meaning do we make from this? If the only meaning that we can find in negative circumstances, in traumatic circumstances, are negative things, then we will never become resilient. We'll never become transformed into better versions of ourselves. But Corrie 10 boom set such a good example for us of how to look at things from the ability to help other people because of the things that we've gone through, using our experiences to have different perspectives, to grow as individuals.[00:37:23 - 00:38:39]
So how long is the distance between victim and victor? As long as it takes me to realize that I am in control of my own life, not anyone else. I am in control of my own life because I have put in the time to figure out who I am. Identity. Sounds like identity, one of our four cornerstones. I am in control of my own life because I decide who I want to become. I make goals and visions for myself. That's intentionality. That's another of our four cornerstones. I am in control of my own life because I am aware of my emotions and how they are perceived by others. I am in control of my own life because I know that living with my sweetheart for a lifetime requires me to see their perspective and how it may or may not be different than mine. And then allow that to exist without judgment. As we navigate crisis trauma, thrills and joys over a lifetime of meaningful living. That's insights and intimacy.[00:38:39 - 00:38:56]
Our four cornerstones come in clutch again. I think the more this becomes a habitual process for us and we can start identifying those things, start reframing them, start looking at them differently. We can start moving through these faster and faster.[00:38:57 - 00:39:43]
Yes indeed. I agree we found that in our own lives. So goals for this week individually ask yourself am I a victim in my marriage? Is it true? Am I playing a victim role? Don't think about your spouse as a victim or a perpetrator. You've done that already. This is for you and you alone to think about. If you experience profound insight, start right now, today to rest that control from everyone or everything in your life. You are in control now of your own life. Savor your scintillating discovery and with that have a great week.[00:39:43 - 00:39:44]
Thanks everybody for being with us.
