Episode 60. Overcoming Limiting Beliefs: A Psychologist's Guide to Developing Unbreakable Self-Trust with Dr. Ray Doktor
How to Build Self-Trust and Let Go of Limiting Beliefs
What does it mean to truly trust yourself?
For many of us—especially women navigating long-term relationships, evolving identities, and a lifetime of expectations—self-trust can feel elusive. But as we’ve learned through our research on relationships, and in our recent conversation with psychologist and relationship coach Dr. Ray Doktor, building self-trust isn’t just possible—it’s transformative.
Why Self-Trust Matters More Than You Think
Self-trust is the foundation of self-esteem. When you trust yourself, you communicate your needs clearly, set healthier boundaries, and navigate relationship challenges with more confidence. And yet, many of us live with a quiet inner critic shaped by early life experiences and limiting beliefs we didn’t even choose.
Dr. Doktor knows this firsthand.
As a child, he battled severe asthma, wore leg braces, struggled with trichotillomania, and faced racism as a biracial kid growing up in a small, predominantly white town. These could have easily shaped a story of defeat. But with the influence of a steady, values-driven father—an ex-Marine who taught him about integrity, accountability, and being a good human—Dr. Doktor learned a different narrative: that pain doesn’t have to define you.
Trauma or Unprocessed Experience?
One of the most profound moments in our conversation came when Dr. Doktor reframed trauma—not as something that "happened to you," but as an experience you haven’t yet integrated. That shift changes everything. Instead of being trapped by what was, you’re invited to explore what could be—how the story evolves when you stop assigning blame and start assigning meaning.
He shared a story about helping his young son reframe a difficult experience—preventing it from becoming a defining wound. It’s a powerful reminder: sometimes, healing starts with the story we tell ourselves.
How to Begin Rewriting Yours
So how do you start building self-trust and shedding beliefs that don’t serve you? Here are five practical steps inspired by Dr. Doktor’s work:
Redefine Success (On Your Terms)
Get clear on your values, not society’s. What would success look like if it came from alignment, not pressure?Be Kinder to Yourself
Self-trust doesn’t grow in harsh environments. Notice how you talk to yourself. Would you say those same words to a friend?Stop Comparing, Start Growing
Focus on your progress. Small wins, done consistently, build momentum and self-trust faster than perfection ever could.Find the Right People
Surround yourself with people who see the real you—and remind you when you forget. The right relationships reflect your worth.Challenge the Inner Critic
Notice your automatic thoughts. Are they true? Or are they outdated scripts handed to you long ago?
What This Means for Your Marriage
Self-trust doesn’t just impact your personal growth—it shows up in your relationships too. When you trust yourself, you’re more equipped to speak your truth, set clear boundaries, and handle conflict without losing your sense of self.
It’s not about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming honest. With yourself. With your partner. And with the story you want your life to tell.
As Dr. Doktor said,
“Just be you. We all have a story—and hopefully, that story is becoming more loving about yourself.”
So here’s your invitation:
Start trusting the one person who’s been with you through it all—you.
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Hello and welcome back to Marriage IQ with the podcast for the Intelligent Spouse. We are your hosts, Dr. Scott Hastings and Dr. Heidi Hastings.[00:00:12 - 00:00:13]
Yep. Welcome, everybody.[00:00:14 - 00:00:27]
We have a guest today. We're really excited to kind of spread our wings a little bit, get some more perspective on some of the things that we're teaching. And we are pleased to have Dr. Ray. Doctor today. Did I pronounce that right?[00:00:28 - 00:00:34]
It's doctor, but it's okay. But if you think about all the songs they've been written with Dr. Doctor, I'm totally cool with that.[00:00:34 - 00:00:34]
Okay.[00:00:34 - 00:00:43]
Robert Palmer's like, from the 70s, and I think there was some other songs from the 80s that had that same lyrics in that also. But it doesn't matter to me.[00:00:44 - 00:00:45]
So either one works.[00:00:45 - 00:00:50]
Okay, here's, here's the big question, though, Ray. Is Dr. Really your last name?[00:00:50 - 00:00:51]
It is. It is.[00:00:52 - 00:00:53]
Dr. Is.[00:00:53 - 00:00:53]
Really?[00:00:54 - 00:00:58]
Yes. Well, how fitting then that you're a doctor.[00:00:58 - 00:00:59]
Yeah.[00:00:59 - 00:00:59]
Great.[00:00:59 - 00:01:20]
I always ask people this question, particularly clients who reach out to me, and that is, they'll say, is that like a. There's a spin off of you being a doctor? I'm like, no. And then I'll ask, did you think that was a little bit cheesy? And they usually say yes. I'm like, you want to work with me? Some guy, like, changes his because it's spelled D. Okay. Not doc.[00:01:21 - 00:01:21]
Right?[00:01:21 - 00:01:26]
And they're like, well, we, we read the reviews. We felt the good vibe. I'm like, okay, all right, I'll go with that.[00:01:27 - 00:02:09]
Well, Dr. Ray, doctor. He is a best selling author whose book was published by the team behind the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. With a doctorate in clinical psychology and over 28 years of experience as a life and relationship coach, Dr. Ray has shared stages with some of the most influential voices in personal development, including Marianne Williamson, Bruce Lipton, John Gray, and Ector Tolle. His experience has been featured on the E channel, HBO, and KCAL9 Los Angeles, as well as in Psychology Today, Men's Health, and the Los Angeles Times. Doctor, Doctor, welcome to the program today.[00:02:09 - 00:02:10]
Thank you, thank you.[00:02:10 - 00:02:11]
I'm really glad to have you.[00:02:12 - 00:02:19]
So, you know, you intrigue me. You really put yourself out there. I see you're a musician, you're an author, you're a.[00:02:19 - 00:02:21]
You're a doctor with a very interesting life story.[00:02:21 - 00:02:39]
Very interesting life story. And you know, one of the things we talk about in On Marriage IQ is identity. And part of that identity is really trying to, to get to know people. And I think your unique history kind of feeds into that. Would you like to share some moments of childhood development?[00:02:40 - 00:03:30]
Sure, absolutely. So what's interesting is I did a in person podcast. It was Thursday, and I have never been more raw as possible. And we went really deep with like, even when I had been arrested for dui. And the funny one was stealing suntan lotion from Kmart, you know, with no shirt on, put it in my short and running. And I don't know why. Maybe I really wanted a tan in the 80s or something. But to answer your question more directly, I wrote about it in my book as well. Part of who I became started with having two near death experiences. I fell from a building three stories and was possibly almost dead for about a minute. And then it happened again when I was 16.[00:03:30 - 00:03:32]
So you fell from a building twice?[00:03:33 - 00:03:42]
No, the other one was overdosing on tcp. Okay, that definitely was a kind of a wild child. But to just.[00:03:42 - 00:03:46]
I heard about your experience driving as a 12 year old.[00:03:47 - 00:04:20]
Well, I guess you saw that. So I. Yeah, I used to pick up my friends with my mother's Chrysler LeBaron from their. Their bus stops where they would be waiting for the bus and pick them up. And we would listen to Led Zeppelin and the who and just rock out. And then we would. So I wouldn't wake up my mom, we would open up the garage door. You know, it had an electric garage door, but if you hold, pull the handle, it became manual. And we lift that the garage door open and I would punch it, put in neutral, turn off the engine and roll it in. Perfect part.[00:04:20 - 00:04:25]
So lebarons are. There are convertibles, right?[00:04:25 - 00:07:06]
They had convertible ones also, you remember? Yeah, but. So back to your question is that my real changes began when I was 14 and I was a star running back. And I broke my leg and fractured it in 14 different places. And at that time, that was my identity. Having people look at me like that guy was good at sports, to whatever social currency I'd be able to attract. And then when I broke my leg, like, it was as if no one saw me, you know, like my identity was just shattered. And I went into for the first time of like, depression, I guess. And there was a teacher named Ms. Jenkins who did not like me and I did not like her either. And she just got right next to me and she said, you know, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. And that shook me. And it was true. And then that led to me. It was during the times where, you know, men would wear makeup, the new romantic movement to punk and all of that. And so I kind of did transformation, like as if I was Ziggy Stardust. And I showed to school looking way different. I remember getting all this positive attention and that led to. That became kind of my Persona. I played in the band and then many more experiences in my life where I reinvented myself. I went through that, I guess, Reidentifying myself. And I think we all try to connect to something that we could be so others will look at us a certain way, respect us, love us and everything else. But typically it's like we're adding things onto ourselves. Typically, it's social status, it's all these things. And it's taken me a long time to learn that. That doesn't build confidence, you know, it's an inner journey to find out who we authentically are. And so that journey from there led to, yes, I had been arrested for drinking and driving. That led me to seeing a therapist for the first time. And he said, I don't know if you have a drinking problem, but you create a lot of problems when you drink. And I definitely had some hidden anger and other things that I was resisting. And then my early 20s is when that kind of opened up that path to start really exploring myself and reading self help books, seeing a therapist, and just. And even during that process, I still was dabbling poor choices like a lot of young men. But ultimately it was to arrive here to whatever this version of me is now, hopefully happy.[00:07:07 - 00:07:10]
So you were, you were reading self help books when you're in your early 20s?[00:07:10 - 00:07:11]
Yes.[00:07:11 - 00:07:33]
Wow, that's unusual. Can we go back even before anything that you've talked about, but go back earlier than that to your childhood. What kinds of experiences or identity did you have from early childhood that maybe led you to be the wild child?[00:07:34 - 00:08:35]
Well, first off, my father was in the marines for almost 30 years. And that's just was part of his personality. He was like kind of like maverick. I mean, my dad kind of had that attitude like Tom Cruise played where he'd been in military for a really long time. And he kind of always pushed against the status quo, particularly if there was injustice or whatever. And so that's just part of my personality. But when I was a small child, like two, first off, I had really bad asthma. So my early memories of my childhood when I was 2, 3 years old was getting shots for my really bad allergies, being separated from other children and immediately feeling different just because of that alone. In addition to that, I also was born with my feet crooked, so I wore braces just like force Gump, literally.[00:08:36 - 00:08:37]
Oh, wow.[00:08:37 - 00:11:01]
Up until, yeah, from 3 to 5 years old. And so I was singled out. I looked different and was made fun of. So you can see where things kind of were showing up in a way where I. I kind of was forced to kind of look at myself differently. And then when I was six or seven years old, I developed trichotillomania. So I was pulling my hair out and I had bald spots. And so those are like three different childhood experiences where I had to figure out who I was or that I had been deprived of something or it's when I experienced the idea that I'm different from other people. And I think it kind of forced me to also be with myself and have to work through that. And in our world now, a lot of kids don't have that rites of passage. They're hypersensitive. They don't really have that emotional strength. And I was also, I'm half Okinawan. And so I was in this very kind of redneck town that was primarily Christian. So I also experienced racism. My mother would show up to school to pick us up in a kimono. So just all of those things. I guess there could have been another boy. He. You would interview like this and ask how did you end up in prison? Or how did you end up being a drug dealer? They can blame all these same reasons or you can ask someone like myself and I can say, well, I was kind of forced to like just basically accept the fact I'm different. And we all are in our own beautiful, unique way. And so what? So how am I going to make the best of it? And so it began from that space. But also, again, my dad, he was a great leader. He really had firm boundaries. And so even while there was the world outside there and kids were using drugs and doing crazy things, he raised me on integrity. He raised me on taking accountability. He raised me on being a good human. So I think even when I dabbled in those things, it was really experimental. It wasn't ident an identity. It was sure, maybe I wanted to check out. But hey, it kind of felt fun. Smoking weed and going to Knott's Berry Farm was experimental, but I don't think it was because I was feeling really bad about myself.[00:11:02 - 00:11:53]
So let me see if I get this right here. You have this childhood with several different types of trauma, including a near death experience, the racism, these other just being excluded, you're wearing braces. The Forrest Gump. Yeah, I. All of these excuses to blame other people. And yet it sounds to me, like you, you had a great role model in your father. You brought up your father, who taught you an early age about firm boundaries. And do you feel like that helped you? Because look at you now, right? You're this. This author, musician, a speaker. There's a lot of things that have led you to be where you're at. How instrumental was having these role models, including your father, in your childhood and youth?[00:11:54 - 00:13:54]
I think it was everything, because my father as well, had to go through many challenges, too, such as my grandfather. His father died when he was two years old. His mother took on a second job. She was one of the first female deputies in the Bronx. I even saw her certificate. So she was kind of a badass. But she opened up a newspaper stand as well, across the street from Yankee Stadium, where Babe Ruth actually took my father to some of the games. So my father started working at a very young age, also to support the family. And so what I grew up with is people who were survivors, people who didn't play into victim mentality and just kept moving forward. And including my mother, who was just amazing. Also here she was living in Okinawa, where the patriarchal system there is, where if the firstborn, which was a boy, you know, stays with a father. And she was not in a healthy relationship, and she tried to lean in and fix things, but her husband wouldn't. She walked away from that marriage and was ostracized from her entire community and even her son there. I have a half brother in his 70s who I never met. She did that in the 1950s. And my father married a woman, and she ended up being an alcoholic. And he had two boys with her. He divorced her and raised two boys on his own. A single father from the 50s, a man who was like, showing up. All I have seen is two individuals. My parents just keep showing up, showing up no matter what. Choosing what is right, no matter what. And even if it cause conflict, even if others might not agree with you, you have to be your. Your authentic self.[00:13:54 - 00:13:55]
That's really powerful.[00:13:55 - 00:14:03]
That is an empowering message. And I have a feeling that that's going to be a theme of the rest of what we're talking about today.[00:14:03 - 00:14:59]
Okay, tell me a little bit about so you. Well, and this brings up, too. We talk about this. Some of the things, our genetics, our trauma, our experiences, they are an explanation, but not an excuse. So they. They can explain some things about our behavior, about our personalities and what we do, what we think, but they do not excuse us from the poor choices that we make. So I really like that empowerment. Let's, let's talk a little bit about how that sense of self came to be. I know you touched on it a little bit with growing up and you, you read through several self help books when you're fairly early age. What, what are some, some high level takeaways on sense of being, sense of self, and how that interplays with a spouse or a significant other.[00:15:00 - 00:16:06]
So what I'd like to do first is talk about trauma because that's brought up so much and often what we hear is that that person is acting this way because he or she has unhealed trauma. And that continues to be the narrative. And I'm not dismissing that people haven't experienced something in a negative way. But what I've discovered after working with over 6,000 clients is that it is the way that the client hasn't fully integrated the experience in a way where it makes sense to him or her. Where they start feeling a more trust to their decisions moving forward to where they even locate where the tension of the experiences in their body and they're able to release it to where they're no longer waiting for an apology or just still kind of going into that, that monkey mind of why did he do that to me? To more like, why do I allow myself to be bothered by what he had done Then I'll give you an example.[00:16:06 - 00:16:06]
Yeah.[00:16:06 - 00:21:27]
So I wrote about it in my book. It's called all it takes is one. Drop your one big hidden belief and master your life. I wrote a little section in there about trauma because I used to specialize in helping people move through it. And in there I share how my son, when he was still living with his mother, he lives with me now full time. And this is actually the experience which led to us agreeing that he'd be better with me. She was living in a bad area and she was holding my son. He was three years old and she got a gun put to her head and was robbed. Okay? So of course she was scared in that moment. However, for my son, how would he know the difference? How would he know the difference? And so six months after the event, my son said, some gorillas took my mother's purse. So from his little cute, innocent mind, he remembered these people as gorillas because they had masks on. And it was a very innocent interpretation. No trauma, nothing. So fast forward two years later, where he has watched tv, where he's seen people maybe do bad things, or someone steals someone's cheese in a cartoon, he starts formulating a new type of memory of it, such as he was more aware of it to finally, when he was six years old, he was sharing the experience of one of his friends as if he was fully alert as a 3 year old. And I stopped him, I said, you know, Max, when that happened, you had no idea. You actually didn't even know that there was danger. You knew nothing about death. You knew none of those things. And you know, he laughed about it, I laughed about it. That experience has not imprinted his life at all. Whereas if there are other adults, other people saying, oh my God, what happened to you? 2, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7 years later, to where he now is creating a story that I should have been afraid, or there's something wrong with me for not being afraid of this, then it could have turned maybe into trauma. And so what I'm trying to share here is that because I've worked with a lot of people who've had to move through trauma. Typically it's those first who don't actually say anything about it. They remain silent for years and it's this negative thought. They start developing this really lack of self worth because they keep blaming themselves. They feel guilty, they feel like they could have done something different. Rather than talk about it and connect to something that actually feels better than just that alone. They have other people who tell them how they should feel. And suddenly when they start having emotional problems or they're displaying bad behavior, then it becomes about this. You must be acting this way because of this trauma you had. While trauma can influence you, it does not dictate how you're going to live the rest of your life. With my son, remember, his mother had a gun to his head. And I know, I know most parents who, who hear this go, oh my God, their fear comes up. Not my son's fear. It's very important to recognize that things we experience that it doesn't mean like, absolutely, it's going to continue to be a traumatic experience. In fact, the question I ask is why is it that this one thing that was so hurtful that something I don't even think about anymore, why is it that that really bad breakup with a guy who I was totally in love with doesn't even matter to me. I don't even know what who I was in love with. Like there's some things that had happened to us where we just forget and let go and then there's some things that we don't. And that's what we, that's. We need to ask those questions. Why is it particularly those events. The hardest one is when it's child is molested by a parent when someone he or she totally trusted betrayed their trust. Well, of course this child probably is going to have a lot of trust issues and it's more difficult. But what makes that experience more difficult? It's when the kid is lost with his or her own thoughts that they did something wrong, that they feel that shame in their body as they go through this. The way that their mother looks at them to like they're contaminated or they're in a religious culture where it's projected onto them that they're no longer clean. That is what creates the trauma in the body. It's a really poor sense of self. And so the body is not able to integrate that in a way that makes sense for that person who had that bad experience to live out their life in a healthier and happier way. We all have the ability to do that, which I share explicitly in my. My book Ways to Do that. So people throw around the word trauma. I think too much. And I'd rather say that while the experience feels like trauma, I would say this, that the way you integrate it still doesn't make sense. The way that you have created a story around it, it's not supporting you in this now moment. And we need to start changing that story within. So no matter what had happened back then, that doesn't become the totality of who you are today.[00:21:28 - 00:21:35]
So is there another word you would use? I. We use little big T. Little T, Trauma. But yeah, that's.[00:21:35 - 00:22:46]
Yeah, I think those are good words too. But I also recognize that I might have a different belief system. So as an example, people will say my ADD or my adhd. So I feel as though when we start using labels for how we are, it's still not allowing us to step into some personal responsibility to maybe shift that or to improve that. Anyway, I think it's important to recognize maybe I'm forgetting this stuff because I'm not interested actually to. My mind's distracted because there's something else that I need to give my attention to. Very often we just don't want to get to the root, like be as, as transparent and vulnerable as we like to kind of own something. And this doesn't mean that there's not people out there who have a hard time focusing or who have ptsd. But I've seen over and over again people handle that stuff better when they recognize that they can have a better sense of control of it. And when they start giving themselves a story that supports Them, no matter what happened back then or what they consensus reality outside of them says about it.[00:22:47 - 00:23:20]
So I think it sounds like you're answering this identity sense of self by using trauma as if trauma is still persistent in your life. That shows kind of more of a reflective sense of self. Whereas someone who's more comfortable with who they are, their sense of being, they're able to work through that trauma in a way that's faster, shorter, more empowering. Yeah. Is that right?[00:23:20 - 00:27:26]
Absolutely. Yeah, that would be true. For an example, I would say more this, that people who have had something negative happen to him or her, that there's a life philosophy and the way that things should have turned out, that's somewhere within their consciousness as well. As an example, women in their late 30s or 40s might feel like they haven't lived a full life because they haven't had a child. There are people out there right now even have this philosophy. My marriage or my relationship isn't working really well because I saw the Brady Bunch and they seemed happier than us. Like we're comparing ourselves. And so when we start really looking at why we believe these things in the first place and realize it's actually maybe a lot of bullshit, then we recognize, wait a minute, I'm trying to model my parents culture. Why don't I just own that I'm different and. And I would prefer to be this other way. And being authentic and being connected to what you might say as a true identity is really, really owning that and figuring that out. In fact, in my book there is this section where I take a reader through the main 11 influencers of our western culture that we all have to face at some point. It could be how we have come to know about our sexuality. It's about what we were taught in religion. It's about how we are indoctrinated in the area we grew up in or our college. Many of us are running on programs that are not even ours. And so of course, if you are unconscious to your consciousness and you're trying to make life work by the unconscious mind, that this programs are not even who you really are. You're going to fail over and over again. It's never going to work. Just imagine if my father were to be this billionaire and no matter what, I just don't do well financially. And I'm thinking that my ultimate success is to be like my dad, then I would always fail. I would never live up to that. I have my own path. And so we have to become really honest with that story of who am I really? Like I mentioned that I was great on the football team, but it wasn't like I had never go professional. I want to be honest about that. I have been different versions where I thought, oh, this would get me the respect or the woman. But I still felt insecure. I remember being 25 and having a. An amazing sports car and thinking, oh, I got game. And I remember I was pretty insecure, like, that car wasn't help me with my game. And so when we realize these things, then it's like left with, okay, if it's not outside of me, then it's within. What stories do I need to change about myself? How do I love myself more? And what ends up happening too, is that until we get to that space, if we're in a marriage with someone, it's easy to blame him or her. It's like, you know, my problems are because you this, you that. And when I work with couples, what I do typically is, did these emotions exist before you met Hank? How was it like in your. The relationship before Hank? When you grew up in your home, is there any similarities to Hank, like your dad? And more than often, you'll see this pattern, like, oh, yes, okay, so you haven't stepped up to take personal responsibility. You have still ignored the red flags. Maybe when you were younger, growing up, you couldn't just walk outside your house, or you couldn't, you'd be physically hit. But you are now a grown adult and you have choices right now. And you don't have to be with Hank if you don't want to. Or maybe if you worked on yourself, you would see a different version of Hank.[00:27:26 - 00:28:42]
So I want to go back just a little bit. What about mentors, someone you look up to? I know you said you need to live your own life, right? Because I don't know really who I want to be. I've always read this quote, it's to thine own self be true by Shakespeare. And I remember thinking, I don't even know myself. So while I agree with Shakespeare, I think it's only part of the solution. I think that for me anyway, to have mentors to look up to, take the good parts of them, not try to be just like them. Like you said, a billionaire or whatever. Like, I have a mentor for humor, a good friend, Dave Tenney, who I look up to, that I in some ways try to emulate, not copy, to help myself develop my own identity. Because a lot of times we ask ourselves, what is my identity? Right? And even as we age, age Age through the years, it continues to change. So we're dealing with this, the safety and security, the confidence of who we think we are together with this, I don't know, I can't put a percentage on it.[00:28:42 - 00:28:44]
Who I want to be, who.[00:28:44 - 00:28:56]
Who I don't know I am yet because I'm changing, I'm getting older. So there's always that portion of my identity that's really unsure, which is a little nerve wracking sometimes.[00:28:56 - 00:31:13]
But it's a forever unfolding process because our consciousness is forever unfolding with new information and emotions and everything else. Even when I became a father, there was this old identity that I had to let go of. And like, for example, the idea of buying a minivan was like, horrific for me. But why would I want to cling to the idea that I needed to be in a Porsche and just be like this free man if I really feel free in my heart? And so becoming a father. When I became a father, I was still playing in an 80s parody band where we'd wear wigs and makeup and rock out on stage. And I remember that the real shift happened. It was at the Blue Beat in Newport, and it was 1:45, they're closing the bar. And at the time I just had become a father, maybe was a year one or year two into it. And my friend Amy, who's his godmother, was watching Max. And I got off the stage and some attractive women came up to me and they, you know, they said, do you want to go to Denny's with us? And I didn't think about, like, oh, wow, here are some attractive women. I thought about, I want an Epsom salt bath. I want to relax my body. I am tired and I'm a dad now. And that was a moment I just surrendered and went like, what's more important, you know, doing the same I've been doing since I was, you know, a teenager, a young adult, or this other thing that actually was giving me responsibility and some type of purpose that definitely changed my life. But, you know, even now I'm going to be living in a new area. I don't know what that's going to bring up, but I haven't played music since 2020 and I have guitars and everything. And people are asking, when you get to Asheville, are you going to start a band? Because most of my friends have only seen me in bands plus doing what I do here. And I'm like, sure, sure. But there's this other part of me going, I get tired at 8pm now I get married at 9pm like it would have to be day shows. I don't think I'm that person anymore. And I have to accept that with grace.[00:31:14 - 00:31:56]
You know, there is, there is one of your songs. It's called All I really Need. Give Me Love. Right? Did I say it right? Yeah, so I was listening to that earlier, just some of the lyrics. Is that some of your philosophy here? Because I, I notice it kind of goes along with the theme with the Beatles. All you really need is love. Right. And then ultimately for us that, yeah, from a high, like a 30, 000 foot view, that's really. It is love. Right. But I, I wanted to kind of get your idea on your thoughts since you wrote it about love and how that all ties in with your identity.[00:31:57 - 00:32:54]
My response, by the way, I'm not going to ever compare myself to Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin. I'm born the same day as him. But he's. When people ask the song, he never wanted to be asked questions about. In fact, supposedly when he was Oregon, he paid 10 grand to a radio station to not ever play Stairway Heaven again. So I don't know why, but when he shares about that, he, he shares about his 24 year old version. So it's hard for him identify with what he was experiencing back then because now he's a man in his 60s or 70s and so that song was written in 2001, but already I was on a spiritual path and journey. Yes, it's all about all you really need is love. And in the lyrics it talks about meeting with a, like a, a shaman in a sweat lodge also. And it's, it's about this man kind of searching for answers and recognizing that it's right there within.[00:32:55 - 00:32:56]
I love that.[00:32:56 - 00:33:43]
Kind of a cool thing too, that. So there is a. On the bridge, you hear a guy announcing something, sounds like a game show and it says, contestants, please cast your souls. And that whole part of the lyrics is more about like we're here to have life experiences. And I believe that we continue. If you want to call that reincarnation, I don't know. But it's just that don't take life so serious because all we have is forever. Most of us, when I say most of us in a western culture, we will discover that we have these outdated beliefs about ourselves. So I have a chapter in my book and I chose probably the most common 11 influencers, such as a traumatic experience.[00:33:43 - 00:33:44]
Okay.[00:33:44 - 00:34:10]
Your relationship to spirituality or religion, how you're raised to understand sexuality, to even your primary Caregivers, whether it was your parents or your grandparents to even the first one is the prenatal period. Because when I started doing this work, I used to do, like, rebirthing sessions. And I would have clients remember what their mother was feeling.[00:34:11 - 00:34:12]
Wow.[00:34:12 - 00:34:59]
Like them feeling insecure because they're gaining weight. Their father's not there for the mother, and then the baby's feeling that energy. There's a book called the Secret Life of the Unborn Child. And he basically, like, gave birth. He was a doctor in that process and documented everything that had happened with 20 different women. And then he interviewed and used hypnosis with those children. And it's uncanny what those adults today now said. And one of this young adults in hypnosis and says, I'm somewhere where it's really exciting and all. Suddenly there's explosions and my mother. And that's when his mother's water broke. They were at a carnival, Fourth July.[00:34:59 - 00:35:00]
Wow.[00:35:00 - 00:35:08]
And as a baby, he took in that impression. And so through hypnosis, he revealed that that's what happened.[00:35:09 - 00:35:13]
Well, I want to know the name of your book again. Say that.[00:35:15 - 00:35:16]
Oh, I'll put it up here.[00:35:16 - 00:35:17]
Okay.[00:35:17 - 00:35:22]
It's all it takes is one. Drop your one big hidden belief and master your life.[00:35:22 - 00:35:32]
Okay. So is that one deep hidden belief different for everyone, or are you finding commonalities in what that one deep hidden belief is?[00:35:33 - 00:35:55]
Everyone has different hidden beliefs. However, when you typically go deeper than just that one hidden belief, more often what comes up is that that person lacks trust in him or herself, bottom line. Or trust in the process of life. It's trust.[00:35:56 - 00:35:56]
Trust.[00:35:57 - 00:35:57]
Yeah.[00:35:58 - 00:36:08]
So how do you heal that? How do you correct that belief that was not serving you or me?[00:36:09 - 00:36:13]
Is there a personal example you can give me and I can work with that?[00:36:13 - 00:36:31]
Sure, sure. I really struggle with self esteem. I have a PhD. Probably several things from my first marriage, from maybe childhood, different things. I really struggle believing that I can be successful.[00:36:32 - 00:36:36]
So, first off, how do you define success?[00:36:37 - 00:36:38]
Ooh, that's a really good question.[00:36:39 - 00:36:49]
That's in the book. So just for a moment. Yeah. So imagine if your definition of success is like what I mentioned, the billionaire father. Of course you would fail. Okay.[00:36:49 - 00:36:50]
Okay.[00:36:51 - 00:38:24]
Two, you said, I don't know if I'm smart enough even with a PhD. I mean, listen to how I talk. Like, I grew up on the streets, and so I'm pretty raw. And I've been through a lot of experiences that people would be embarrassed to share. And I was the same way, by the way. I was the same way, Heidi. I remember teaching, and I was in la, and I don't know why I kept attracting professors from UCLA and asking me where I got the material. And then I think after the third professor who's challenging whether or not I was smart or not, I asked my mentor at the time, by the way. Yes, Scott, I believe in mentors. Absolutely forgot to answer that. He said, I didn't have that problem. Ray. He says, are you questioning yourself? And I went, yeah. He said, well, stop doing that, and they will, too. So I really did stop. They never showed up again. I believe in law of attraction. So it's, what are you questioning about yourself? Forget about what everyone else thinks. It's, how smart do I need to be for me to know that I'm smart? Because logically, and probably with taking tests to whatever else that qualified you to be smart, you probably are smarter than most people on this planet. Okay. Like, most people don't get a doctorate. That's just a fact. However, the story would be like, well, how smart I need to be or how smart do I need to know I need to be to be okay to be me? It would just be turning around.[00:38:25 - 00:38:44]
Yeah. During my doctoral program, Scott would. I would not allow him to say I was intelligent or smart. Those words just made me burst into tears. I would say, I work hard. I'm a hard worker, and anybody that works hard can accomplish anything they want to.[00:38:45 - 00:39:49]
True. However, what if it's this? What if this became easier for me? What if I can actually ease into life better and be a better receiver? What if this. It's the reason why words don't work is because already I'm blocked. And how can I receive Scott's, you know, his eyes looking at me? Because he knows it, but I need to know it. How can I look in the mirror and see that within? And again, it's just coming back to yourself. How smart do you need to be to be yourself? Because periodically I see stuff. I see myself, how I pronounce words. Sometimes I don't enunciate clearly. I'm like, well, I'm better than I was before. But it's like no one really cares, you know? Like, if anything, like, most people have something they think they're hiding, and the people that are in their close circle don't even see those things, or those people in their close circle see those things and love them anyway. So why work so hard to be something that no one even cares for you to be either?[00:39:49 - 00:40:33]
Oh, I love this. So this is really Good, because you're talking about, again, the stories that we tell ourselves. We are comparing ourselves to what we think other people's expectations are. And I love that you said, oh, I kind of messed that up. But I see that I'm better than I used to be, which, after a year with marriage iq, I can see that I'm better than I used to be. But I haven't really stopped to consider the fact that most people don't even care or notice every little thing that stresses me out about my voice, about the things I say, about being able to carry on an intelligent conversation. And so I'm holding myself back.[00:40:35 - 00:42:02]
And you have this husband just loves you. He's like, looking at you, and he wants you to know these things already. I could just see it's kind of beautiful. My son, he had speech delays because he wasn't breastfed. There's a whole long story about that, but meaning that, like, he had speech delays. And it still came up a little bit, but he probably copied me as well. And I ended up seeing from that same company, a speech therapist. And it was just so I could speak clearer. And I never practiced. I think it's like it was over a year ago. I have something here to do, and she told me to slow it down and everything else. But, you know, whenever I feel bad about how I talk, I just. All I have to do is watch Hugh Grant or someone else who just, you know, stutter, stammers or whatever. I just saw the King's Speech last week. I was like, oh, my God, this mate. This. This movie's amazing. He's trying to take the King through his childhood where his. His. His father stifled him when he would talk, you know, and so there was trauma there, but like. And then there's that moment where the King, he's not a king yet, but he wants him to read, and he just. He thinks it's foolish. And so the teacher starts blasting music in his. In headphones so he couldn't hear himself read the book. And he reads perfectly, perfectly because he's not in his head. And when we're not in our head with those old stories, we are so freaking amazing. We are so amazing.[00:42:03 - 00:42:05]
Stories that we tell ourselves really matter.[00:42:06 - 00:43:09]
We all have these, like, overarching beliefs about ourselves and those. That belief usually impacts two to three other areas of our. Of our life. And when we get to that, you know, it shifts. And if you want to go even really deeper, if you get into meditation, hypnosis or whatever, and really connect to your spirit, Your soul you'll recognize. Oh, this is the life. I chose also to heal this by experiencing the opposite. I grew up being pulled away from children right away. And other people, a lot of people are looking at their phone right now on Instagram, feel disconnected. They're driving next to their partner, and they feel disconnected. So at an early age, I guess I chose this theme in some shape or form to have to be with my emotions and have to be with myself. And that gave me an early start to find out who I really am, which continues.[00:43:10 - 00:43:10]
Yeah.[00:43:11 - 00:43:20]
Wow, that's really deep. A lot of topics for a very long discussion, I'm sure. But we've run out of time here today.[00:43:20 - 00:43:35]
I think this gives people who want more an opportunity to go look at your book and take a deeper dive into some of the things that you've brought up today. Are there other places that they can find you?[00:43:35 - 00:43:52]
My website's the best one. I'll give you a link to my website. It's Ray Doctor dot com. It's R-A-Y dash dash O-K dash T dash O R dot com. Okay. And from there, you can get to my YouTube channel. You can get to everything. I'm pretty much doing okay.[00:43:52 - 00:43:53]
Very good.[00:43:53 - 00:43:54]
It's great.[00:43:55 - 00:43:56]
Thank you for being with us today.[00:43:56 - 00:43:57]
Yeah.[00:43:57 - 00:44:03]
Doctor, Doctor, we really appreciate this. This has been great. Do you have any parting word of wisdom?[00:44:04 - 00:44:12]
Just be you. Be you. We all have a story, and just hopefully that story you have is more loving about yourself. That's it.[00:44:12 - 00:44:42]
Thank you so much. Well, that wraps up this episode of Marriage iq. And remember, the intelligent spouse knows that to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage first requires a change in themselves. Follow Marriage IQ on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and YouTube for more great content on this topic. Head on over to MarriageIQ.com to grab your free ebook on building a scintillating marriage. Keep exploring and we'll catch you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage iq.[00:44:43 - 00:44:44]
Have a great week, everybody.
