Episode 59. Real Talk: "Grow As We Go" Identity Shifts
Grow As We Go: Curiosity, Identity Shifts, and Open Communication in Marriage
If you’ve been married for any length of time, you’ve likely learned something the hard way: marriage doesn’t stand still. And neither do the people in it.
At some point—maybe after a big move, a career shift, the last kid leaving the house, or even a quiet shift in belief—you or your spouse will change. Who you were at 30 won’t be exactly who you are at 50. That’s not failure. That’s life.
So the question isn’t if your marriage will experience identity shifts—it’s how you’ll handle them.
As researchers and relationship educators (and as husband and wife navigating our own transformations), we’ve come to believe that two things are essential when facing seasons of change: curiosity and open communication.
Why Curiosity Changes Everything
It’s easy to misread your partner’s changes as distance, detachment, or even rejection. But more often than not, these shifts come from a deep inner reordering. Something is stirring inside them—grief, growth, longing, restlessness. Instead of reacting with fear or frustration, what if we responded with curiosity?
Try asking:
“What’s been on your mind lately?”
“How are you seeing yourself differently these days?”
“What’s something you’re craving more—or less—of right now?”
Genuine curiosity disarms defensiveness. It says: I want to understand you—not fix you, not change you, just know you better. That’s intimacy.
You Can Grow and Stay Together
Big life transitions tend to wake up dormant parts of ourselves. And yes, they can be disorienting—especially when they pull us in new directions.
But as the song “Grow As We Go” by Ben Platt puts it:
“You can change right next to me.”
Personal growth and deep connection aren’t opposites. In fact, relationships are richest when we learn to say, “I’ll meet you where you’re becoming.”
How to Navigate Identity Shifts as a Couple
Here are a few tools we use in our own marriage—and recommend to couples we work with:
Do regular check-ins. Sit down once a week or even monthly and ask, “What’s feeling different for you lately?”
Practice empathy. Even if your spouse’s changes scare you a little, lean in. You don’t have to fully understand to offer support.
Celebrate growth. When your partner takes a courageous step—starting therapy, changing careers, rediscovering a lost passion—say it out loud. That validation builds safety.
Share your own shifts. Vulnerability goes both ways. Let your spouse see the ways you’re evolving too.
The Power of Open, Judgment-Free Communication
When communication shuts down, distance grows. But open dialogue—especially the kind that happens in safe, nonjudgmental spaces—makes room for honesty and reconnection.
If you feel like your partner has changed and you don’t know how to talk about it, start small. Ask questions. Share your observations gently. Be open to a longer conversation that may take time to unfold.
And most importantly: listen more than you speak.
Try This: Identity Affirmations
Here’s a simple, meaningful exercise we love:
Write down 3–5 affirmations that reflect who you are and who you’re becoming.
Review them regularly, especially when you feel disconnected from yourself.
Share them with your spouse, and invite them to do the same. Use these as a springboard for deeper conversations.
Here’s an example:
“I am evolving, and that’s allowed. I can grow without leaving what matters most.”
Final Thought
Your marriage doesn’t need to fear change. The real danger is in silence, disconnection, and trying to keep everything the same.
Ask. Listen. Stay curious.
Because some of the most beautiful moments in marriage come not from holding tight to who we were, but from making space for who we’re both becoming—together.
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Welcome to Marriage iQ, the podcast for the intelligent spouse.[00:00:08 - 00:00:10]
I'm Dr. Heidi Hastings.[00:00:10 - 00:00:12]
And I'm Dr. Scott Hastings.[00:00:13 - 00:00:32]
We are two doctors, two researchers, two spouses, two lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose. To transform the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun. Foreign.[00:00:36 - 00:00:49]
And welcome back to Marriage IQ Real Talk. This is our inaugural session where we get to talk with you a little bit less formally.[00:00:49 - 00:00:57]
Yeah. We're dressed down today. For those of you who are watching on video, you can see that. We just wanted to get real with you, have some real talks.[00:00:57 - 00:00:58]
Yeah.[00:00:58 - 00:01:06]
About some of the things that we were learning ourselves this week about shift happens, about identity shifts in our life.[00:01:06 - 00:01:24]
Now, I was the one that insisted on leaving it. Shift happens. I hope none of our audience took a double take there, but I'm sure it happened a few times. What are the Hastings doing? I don't know, but welcome back. We're Scott and Heidi tonight.[00:01:24 - 00:01:28]
Yeah. No doctors in the house tonight. We're dressed down.[00:01:29 - 00:01:36]
We just kind of wanted to follow up a little bit with how things are going with you, with your homework. Do you remember it?[00:01:36 - 00:01:50]
This week, Scott invited everyone to get together as partners for just 10 or 15 minutes and talk about some of the identity changes that you've been through personally and as a couple within your marriage.[00:01:51 - 00:01:52]
Can you think of some?[00:01:53 - 00:02:17]
Yeah, for sure. Like parenthood. When kids left for school and kids became teenagers, a lot of them were around parenting. When I would change a job or give up a job to come and work for youth, a couple of times that those were really, really hard identity shifts for me. Wasn't so hard to quit working for you to go to school, though. But that was hard for you.[00:02:18 - 00:02:21]
That was a real hard identity shift for me to take.[00:02:21 - 00:02:21]
Yeah.[00:02:23 - 00:02:25]
And it was. It was you doing it.[00:02:26 - 00:02:30]
Moving. It's always hard parenting.[00:02:32 - 00:03:05]
I remember I was. Well, more recently, I was in a choir, the Millennial Choir. I sang bass, loved it. I was there for a year and a half, and that is something that I decided intentionally to move on from to pursue other things that I think helped me develop a little bit more. So that was a shift. I love singing, but it was time to make a change in my life.[00:03:06 - 00:03:36]
I think we also, as we discussed some of these changes, we talked about things that we held on to, parts of our identity that we held on to and parts that we let go. We talked about how you let go of a big part of your identity, which was music. During med School and residency, and I would say probably the first 10 years when you were starting your own medical practice, and it took several years to bring that back into your identity.[00:03:36 - 00:03:44]
You know, it's really interesting. That's a great point, Heidi. Just because we let go of a part of our identity doesn't mean it's forever.[00:03:44 - 00:03:44]
Right.[00:03:44 - 00:03:52]
We may let go for a while. And me, it was the piano. I let go for probably close to 20 years.[00:03:52 - 00:03:59]
Yep. And for the last few years, you've been back at it, trying to take time every week to practice.[00:03:59 - 00:03:59]
That's.[00:03:59 - 00:04:08]
I love that. I love hearing you play. That was what really drew me to you in the first place. And so. Yeah, you thought I just Twitter painted.[00:04:08 - 00:04:11]
When I. I roped you in. And then I stopped playing for years.[00:04:11 - 00:04:13]
No, it was total switch and bait.[00:04:13 - 00:04:14]
Switch and bait.[00:04:15 - 00:04:27]
Yeah. We talked about us personally this week as we've thought about this. What new parts of our identity have we brought in? Can you think of any that we talked about? I can't remember.[00:04:27 - 00:04:32]
Well, there's definitely the new part of you going to school and getting your PhD.[00:04:32 - 00:04:33]
Oh, yes. That's.[00:04:33 - 00:04:39]
That's a big part of your identity. That's different. And you never even planned on that happening, really.[00:04:39 - 00:04:39]
Right.[00:04:39 - 00:04:40]
In the past.[00:04:40 - 00:05:47]
Right. So I think I've always been a learner. That's a huge part of my identity. I've always had many, many books stacked by my nightstand, reading multiple at the same time. I do have a book weakness. I still order books all the time. I don't get them all read, but I had a broad range of learning for many years, and then it just shifted. And I. When I went for my master's degree, I wasn't planning to get my PhD. That was a whole new shift that. It was really difficult. But eventually I kind of got the hang of it, and then it was really difficult. Really really difficult when it ended. So. And I can still keep that learning part of my identity there. Just. It shifts now to learning how to podcast. So, Scott, in our marriage, can you think of times when one of us had. Has been going through an identity shift or an identity crisis or whatever you want to call it, and the other person isn't. And how did that impact our marriage?[00:05:49 - 00:06:21]
So when you decided to go back to school to get your PhD, that was not something that neither one of us really had planned on, even recently. I mean, you got your master's pretty quick, so I thought, hey, let's move on and get your PhD. I had no idea the difference between the Master's and PhD level compared to the undergrad and the master's level. So I was definitely, definitely surprised. Not quite ready for that shift.[00:06:22 - 00:06:47]
Okay, let's look at a different one. What about you? You mentioned on our episode this week a faith crisis that you went through for several years or a faith transition or an identity adjustment or shifting that had to do with your faith and your religiosity and your spirituality. Can you tell me it took you a long time to be open with me about that. Right?[00:06:48 - 00:07:16]
Yeah. Well, look, my brain doesn't naturally go into the faith realm. I'm very empirical oriented, very objectively, or try to. Everything's an experiment in my head. And faith is something that just at least the traditional definition of faith is not something that's come easy to me at all.[00:07:16 - 00:07:17]
You want proof?[00:07:17 - 00:08:00]
Right. And so. But the bottom line is, and I'm gonna cut through a lot of time by saying I had to get to a point where I had to compare the life of somebody with who. Who sees only the world in front of him versus a world who he sees everything. There's a world from a world that's only right there in front of your eyes to a world that's filled with everything right there in front of your eyes. And I chose the latter.[00:08:01 - 00:08:11]
So let's talk about this from a marriage perspective then. You didn't want to tell me for a long time because you were afraid it would hurt me, right?[00:08:11 - 00:08:12]
Yeah.[00:08:13 - 00:08:17]
When you did tell me, I can't remember how. What was my response like?[00:08:19 - 00:08:38]
I don't recall. I don't remember. But it was something to. I mean, the story I tell myself is that you said, who did I marry? This isn't the guy I thought I married.[00:08:38 - 00:08:40]
I don't recall saying that to you.[00:08:40 - 00:08:46]
Well, thinking it. I know I'm putting words in your mouth, and that's the story I tell.[00:08:46 - 00:08:49]
Myself, which is why you didn't want to talk to me about it.[00:08:49 - 00:08:49]
Right.[00:08:49 - 00:09:36]
So looking back at that time of life where and our listeners may be having any other kind of identity shift, it may or may not have to do with faith. But what could. Like, neither of us remember that period very well, but what could I have done to help support you through that time? What could. What would best case scenario be when you're constantly asking yourself, who am I? I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not sure what I believe. What could have helped you feel more secure in our marriage and in yourself?[00:09:36 - 00:10:06]
Curiosity is really, I think, key. That's one of the big things we teach here in marriage, iq, being curious. Okay, say, hey, so what is this that's causing this? What do you think about this? What do you think about this perspective? I think asking for. To consider new perspectives for most people is going to be. It's going to be pretty neutral. It's not going to be looked at as attacking.[00:10:06 - 00:10:13]
How about just explain to me what your perspective is? Yeah, I guess that's the same thing, huh?[00:10:13 - 00:10:23]
Yeah. Just explaining being open and considering new perspectives in a way that's. That's easygoing and accepting.[00:10:23 - 00:10:43]
I don't have to feel threatened like you are destroying our marriage or our life or anything like that. I can just be open to. I'm strong in who I am. I know. I know who I am. But I can see that this is something that's a struggle for you and for you.[00:10:43 - 00:11:00]
I think there's probably with children, when children started leaving the home. That's, I think, a big one for you because you wrapped so much of your life around that. How was that for you?[00:11:01 - 00:11:17]
Well, it was a party time for you. You were excited. I think you love our kids, but you were anxious for them to. To learn and grow and move on and do different things and that my.[00:11:17 - 00:11:19]
My children know I love them.[00:11:19 - 00:11:19]
Yeah.[00:11:19 - 00:11:24]
I just don't constantly hover over them.[00:11:26 - 00:11:42]
It would have probably been helpful for you to ask me about my perspective and if there was something you could do to help me fill that hole in my life that had taken a lot of my time, a lot of my thoughts, a lot of my efforts.[00:11:42 - 00:11:43]
Yeah.[00:11:45 - 00:12:16]
I do know when the last of our kids left and I started my doctoral program and you were having a really tough time. We did have some of those talks. We were smart enough by then to start having some of those talks. And no, we need to come up with things to bring us closer to each other. We have something together planned for almost every single night of the week that, yeah, really helps build our own intimacy as a couple.[00:12:17 - 00:13:39]
So we are definitely very structured with our time now. Intentional, but it's all intentional. And you know, speaking of intentional, I just. Going back to our discussion this past week from shifting our identities over time. If you listen to the last episode, there's some identities that we have both written down. And at least I want to share some of them with you today. Some of them are new. Some of them have been here for a while. But what I have done is I have written down and screenshotted an identity list of my own identities of who I am I sat down with myself. I do that a lot. You do that a lot. We sit down with ourselves and we have little discussions. Who am I? And I write it down. So far, I have 49. I call them my identity affirmations list. So if you haven't done something like this, I invite you to consider starting now.[00:13:39 - 00:13:44]
You've been working on this for a while. I've been working on this for a while. Mine isn't nearly as long as yours.[00:13:45 - 00:13:46]
Okay.[00:13:46 - 00:13:47]
I think mine are more.[00:13:47 - 00:13:48]
Well, they could come up with four.[00:13:48 - 00:14:00]
Or five, but that's what I was gonna say to start. And find just a few parts of a few parts of your identity that are important to you. So good starting place here.[00:14:00 - 00:14:45]
Here are a few things that I have written down intentionally about who I am as a person, my identity. And sometimes I add and sometimes I take away as things change. But this was a new one. I added number 13. I live in a growth mindset. So I live where my life is growing. Not stagnant, growing. Every opportunity I look at through a lens of, I'm growing from this experience. Number 19. I do not judge others. That means not at all. I know that's radical. I call it radical non judgment.[00:14:45 - 00:14:54]
How are you doing it? That part of your identity? Well, does this mean you're good at it? You know how to do it? Or does this mean this is your. So that you're striving to become?[00:14:54 - 00:14:56]
That's. Yes, it's both.[00:14:57 - 00:14:57]
Okay.[00:14:58 - 00:15:27]
These are things I want to become and things that maybe I am and I want to continue reminding myself. Every morning I go through all 49 of these and I tell them to myself, this is who I am. Number 28. I am determined. Number 29. I am witty and humorous. You are on occasion. I'm working on it.[00:15:27 - 00:15:28]
That's great.[00:15:28 - 00:15:32]
But that's just one idea. One thing. That practical thing that. That we both do.[00:15:33 - 00:15:33]
Right.[00:15:33 - 00:15:37]
And review every day. Our own identity affirmation list.[00:15:38 - 00:17:40]
You know, Scott, I have. We have a listener who reached out to us this week and said she just finished listening to our episode, and the episode reminded her of a song, Grow as We Go by Ben Platt. And we've listened to this multiple times today. And encourage anybody who wants a great romantic song to go along with this. That's the one. But some of the words are, I don't think you have to leave. If to change is what you need, you can change right next to me. When you're high, I'll take the lows. You can ebb and I can flow and we'll take it slow and grow as we go? Grow as we go? You won't be the only one? I'm unfinished? I've got so much left to learn? I don't know how this river runs? But I'd like the company through every twist and turn? Ooh, who said it's true? That the growing only happens on your own? They don't know me and you? You don't ever have to leave? If to change is what you need? You can change right next to me? When you're high, I'll take the lows? You can ebb and I can flow? And we'll take it slow and grow as we go? Grow as we go. I think that is perfectly way to look at going through these identity changes together. Instead of turning away from each other because we're embarrassed to talk about it or we're afraid to hurt the other person. We don't want to hurt our partner. We don't want to hurt somebody that we love. That's very, very true. But if we can be curious, if we can pause and have the desire to see things through our partner's perspective, it does give us a big opportunity for growth as a couple.[00:17:40 - 00:17:50]
If you haven't seen the movie Shrek 2, I recommend it for this, too. This is a great movie about identity shifts. Because, you know, Shrek's an ogre.[00:17:50 - 00:17:51]
Oh, yeah.[00:17:51 - 00:17:55]
And Fiona actually is an ogre too, but only at night.[00:17:55 - 00:17:56]
The ultimate identity.[00:17:57 - 00:18:24]
And so the ultimate identity shift, and they struggle through it together. And you're thinking, oh, what's going to happen? It's not going so well. But it. It is in that those times of stress and trial and turmoil that allows for Shrek to finally burst into the ballroom with On a Stallion saying, back away from my wife. I love that movie Shrek, too.[00:18:24 - 00:18:27]
Who would you be telling to back away from your wife?[00:18:27 - 00:18:36]
So, any. Any smooth talking, Prince so Charming. Prince Charming? No, there.[00:18:36 - 00:18:42]
There are no Prince Charmings. Maybe an identity shift that's trying to get between you and me.[00:18:43 - 00:18:44]
Indeed.[00:18:47 - 00:18:49]
Oh, did you do that?[00:18:49 - 00:19:08]
That's just a. Well, this kind of wraps it up for us here. Yeah, we just thought that you could get a little assistance with some of your homework. What did the Hastings do? These are just some of our thoughts.[00:19:09 - 00:19:18]
We'll throw these in there every once in a while, dress down, just casually sharing and give you a little bit more insight into the casual parts of our lives.[00:19:19 - 00:19:23]
No scientific research, just us talking about our experiences.[00:19:24 - 00:19:24]
Yep.[00:19:25 - 00:19:32]
That wraps it up for this evening, and we hope to see you soon on another exciting episode of Marriage iq.
