Episode 63. Erotic Energy: What is It and How Do I Get It? (Part 1)
Integrating the Domestic and Erotic: Keys to a Thriving and Passionate Marriage
Marriage is often viewed as the ultimate partnership, where two people come together to create a life filled with love, commitment, and shared goals. But within this union, there are two critical components that can determine whether a relationship thrives or stagnates: the domestic and erotic. The domestic bucket, which includes the practical aspects of life—chores, finances, parenting—can easily consume our energy and focus. But neglecting the erotic bucket, the intimate, playful, and sexual side of marriage, can leave couples feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.
In this post, we’ll explore how to integrate both aspects in a way that doesn’t just keep the relationship functioning, but ignites it with passion, depth, and enduring intimacy.
The Delicate Balance Between Domestic and Erotic
When you think about marriage, the first images that often come to mind may be of day-to-day routines—cooking meals, attending kids' events, or dealing with household tasks. These are all essential parts of any partnership, but when they dominate the relationship, the spark can fade. Couples can quickly shift from passionate lovers to efficient co-parents or roommates. And that's where things can go wrong.
A successful marriage requires an ongoing balance between the domestic and erotic aspects. Both are vital to your connection. One doesn’t have to be sacrificed for the other. The key is ensuring that both parts of your marriage are attended to, so neither the mundane nor the passionate becomes neglected.
The Domestic Side: Why It's Essential (But Not Enough)
The domestic side of marriage is foundational. It includes everything from managing your household to taking care of finances and raising children together. These responsibilities are what keep a marriage moving forward, and without them, a marriage can’t function. However, focusing only on these aspects can lead to a “parenting partnership” dynamic, where affection, attraction, and sexual intimacy take a back seat.
Here are a few potential traps couples can fall into if they focus too heavily on the domestic side:
Routine Overload: You become so focused on checking off your to-do lists that you forget to check in emotionally with each other.
Emotional Disconnect: As you get caught up in the grind of daily life, you might stop having deep, meaningful conversations with your partner, leaving emotional needs unmet.
Unacknowledged Desires: In the chaos of domestic responsibilities, one or both partners may feel that their desires for affection or intimacy are going ignored or neglected.
While the domestic side is important, a relationship that thrives needs more than just cooperation and shared goals—it needs desire, emotional connection, and yes, even playfulness.
The Erotic Side: Rekindling Passion and Desire
While the domestic side is essential for creating a strong foundation, the erotic side fuels the emotional connection that sparks intimacy. This part of marriage focuses on sexual attraction, but it goes beyond just physical intimacy. Erotic energy is about connecting with your partner in a way that reignites your passion and desire.
Here’s why the erotic bucket deserves as much attention as the domestic:
Sexual Intimacy: Sexual connection isn’t just about physical pleasure; it’s about emotional vulnerability and exploring the deeper layers of intimacy together. It allows couples to reconnect on a level that day-to-day tasks simply can’t provide.
Desire and Curiosity: Erotic connection involves playfulness, curiosity, and a willingness to explore each other's desires. It’s about finding joy in discovering what feels good, both physically and emotionally. Couples who maintain a sense of curiosity about each other are more likely to experience sustained attraction.
Emotional Connection: Erotic intimacy also means emotional vulnerability. This includes sharing fantasies, desires, or even discussing insecurities. The ability to be open about desires and needs creates a stronger bond, making both partners feel safe and loved.
But here’s the thing: the erotic side of marriage doesn’t just happen on its own. It requires intentionality and effort—especially when life gets busy or the spark starts to dim. That’s where many couples fall short. They assume that intimacy will naturally flow as their relationship progresses, but neglecting the erotic side can make passion feel distant, leaving partners to grow complacent.
The Science Behind Desire: What’s Really Happening in Your Brain?
Understanding the science behind desire can help both partners make sense of the changes that may occur in their sexual relationship over time. One of the key players in the erotic side of marriage is oxytocin, often called the "love hormone." Oxytocin is released during physical touch, sexual activity, and bonding moments, helping partners feel more emotionally connected.
However, oxytocin isn’t just about touch—it’s also related to emotional safety. When partners feel emotionally supported and loved, oxytocin levels rise, fostering a sense of connection and attachment. This means that emotional intimacy is just as important as physical intimacy when it comes to maintaining a passionate relationship.
But here's the catch: the demands of daily life can cause stress, which leads to lower levels of oxytocin. This makes it harder to feel connected to your partner. This is why intentionally engaging in behaviors that increase oxytocin—like hugging, kissing, and expressing gratitude—can help to keep both the domestic and erotic aspects of your marriage in harmony.
Strategies for Integrating the Domestic and Erotic
Make Space for Both Aspects: The key is intentionality. Block off time to nurture both sides of your relationship. For example, set aside time for deep, meaningful conversations to keep the domestic bucket full, while also prioritizing date nights or physical intimacy to keep the erotic bucket overflowing.
Get Playful Together: The erotic side isn’t just about sex—it’s about playfulness and curiosity. Play together, laugh together, and explore fun activities that bring you closer. When couples laugh and enjoy each other’s company, they tend to maintain a stronger erotic connection as well.
Express Gratitude: The little things matter. Thank your partner for their efforts at home, acknowledge their contribution, and express your appreciation for them—both inside and outside the bedroom. This fosters both emotional connection and desire.
Stay Curious About Each Other’s Desires: Keep the spark alive by continually learning about each other’s needs and desires. Explore your partner’s fantasies, engage in open conversations about what feels good, and make time for intimacy, both physical and emotional.
Practice Mindfulness: Acknowledge the emotional weight that both domestic and erotic responsibilities carry. Be mindful of your partner’s needs and listen to their emotional and physical cues. Mindfulness not only strengthens emotional bonds but can also increase sexual satisfaction and connection.
Reconnecting When Things Feel Stale
What happens when you find that one (or both) of the buckets is feeling dry or neglected? The first step is acknowledging that it’s normal for the balance to shift over time. Life is full of seasons, and it’s okay if one side of the marriage needs more attention than the other at times.
If you feel like things have gotten stale or disconnected, start with open communication. Discuss where both of you feel the imbalance is happening. Talk openly about your desires, your frustrations, and your needs. This isn’t about assigning blame—it’s about working together to bring both buckets back into balance.
Conclusion: A Dynamic, Thriving Marriage Requires Balance
Marriage isn’t just about surviving the daily grind; it’s about thriving, connecting, and evolving together. By intentionally nurturing both the domestic and erotic dimensions of your relationship, you create a dynamic partnership that not only lasts but also flourishes with passion, joy, and fulfillment.
The key is finding harmony between your roles as partners, parents, and lovers—because both the practical and the intimate sides of marriage deserve attention. When you integrate both, you don’t just have a marriage that works—you have one that thrives.
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Welcome to Marriage iQ, the podcast for the intelligent spouse.[00:00:08 - 00:00:10]
I'm Dr. Heidi Hastings.[00:00:10 - 00:00:12]
And I'm Dr. Scott Hastings.[00:00:13 - 00:00:43]
We are two doctors, two researchers, two spouses, two lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose. To transform the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun. Hello, lovers, and welcome back to another exciting episode of Marriage iq. We're really happy to have you with us today. Scott, I have a question for you.[00:00:43 - 00:00:44]
Yes, my love?[00:00:44 - 00:00:51]
We talk about having a scintillating marriage and creating a scintillating marriage. A lot on marriage iq.[00:00:51 - 00:00:52]
Yes.[00:00:52 - 00:01:08]
But there are so many people who think that's beyond their reach. They can't wrap their head around how to make marriage after a year or five years or 50 years, scintillating. And that's understandable, right?[00:01:09 - 00:01:15]
Of course, my love. I think when we were first married, it just came so naturally. It was so easy.[00:01:16 - 00:01:27]
Right. A lot of that energy, excitement, a lot of just having constant desire to be together, feeling alive, feeling energized. And then what happens?[00:01:28 - 00:01:31]
Well, life happens. Children happen.[00:01:31 - 00:01:32]
Y.[00:01:32 - 00:01:37]
We talked about how children totally throw a wrench into your life, Right?[00:01:37 - 00:01:46]
Well, they're great, but I got pregnant about six months after we got married. And the hormones, being tired all the time, all of that impacts our relationship.[00:01:47 - 00:01:47]
Indeed.[00:01:47 - 00:02:40]
A lot of couples we talk to are just curious about how to get that back. And we have energy. Yeah. We have some guests, some experts with us today who are very well versed in this because they've experienced the hard stuff in life. We've got Amy and Greg Laneford. Over 27 years of marriage, Amy and Greg have also experienced some of the things we have. Parenthood and now even grandparenthood, which we haven't gotten there yet. They've been through things like struggling with pornography, health struggles, differences in sexual desire, anxiety, and a lot of other really difficult things. We're really excited to have them on and get their perspective on how to bring the sizzle, the scintillation back into marriages.[00:02:41 - 00:02:43]
Welcome, Amy and Greg.[00:02:43 - 00:02:45]
We're really excited to have you both here.[00:02:46 - 00:02:47]
We're very, very excited to be here.[00:02:47 - 00:02:49]
Yes. Thank you for having us.[00:02:49 - 00:03:07]
You bet. Amy has her bachelor's degree in family science and she's a certified intimacy coach. And Greg is path certified, which, Greg, if I understand correctly, is that the same as equine therapy? Is it? It's working with horses in a therapeutic manner, right?[00:03:07 - 00:03:08]
Exactly. Yep.[00:03:09 - 00:03:15]
Good. I don't think we've had anybody on that has that specialty. So we're excited to hear.[00:03:15 - 00:03:18]
The only experiences I've had with horses have been really traumatic.[00:03:18 - 00:03:20]
Oh, no. We've got to fix that.[00:03:20 - 00:03:23]
Well, you gotta come. Come across a lake here and visit. That's right.[00:03:23 - 00:03:25]
That needs to be rectified immediately.[00:03:25 - 00:03:29]
Yeah, we. One of our horses are scary.[00:03:29 - 00:03:30]
No, I'm not gonna tell that story.[00:03:30 - 00:03:34]
I was thrown from a horse and landed on my neck right in front of Scott.[00:03:34 - 00:03:36]
I thought I was watching my wife die in front of my.[00:03:37 - 00:03:45]
Yeah, that is ptsd. Well, we have a horse that will lick you to death like a puppy dog, and that might fix that problem. I don't know. It might scare you to death, too. We don't know, but we could try it.[00:03:45 - 00:03:48]
Just don't. Just don't walk behind them because they might kick you.[00:03:48 - 00:03:50]
Oh, no, he wouldn't. Actually.[00:03:51 - 00:03:52]
Our horses would never.[00:03:52 - 00:04:14]
That's the funniest thing to watch. People that are afraid of horses. I don't want to get off on a tangent, but they get really far out from the horse as they walk around, and in reality, that's the horse's strength. So if they're going to kick you, they're going to really kick you if you're out far with them. So if you stay as close as you can to the rear end, that they don't have a power. So we laugh when we watch people go like, you're probably in the worst spot right now.[00:04:14 - 00:04:45]
Yep. Well, we were on a family horse ride, one horse after another in Tucson. In Tucson. And my daughter's horse bit my horse's rear end. What happened? And then our son, who was, what, seven? The horse he was on, took off through the Arizona desert running. And it was. It was pretty crazy. But if anybody wants to look up our Instagram, a marriage IQ Instagram. We recently did a. A reel where we're both with a horse.[00:04:45 - 00:04:46]
There you go.[00:04:46 - 00:04:53]
And this was, for Scott, really overcoming a lot of fear to be able to just hold out the carrots and put them in his hand.[00:04:54 - 00:04:57]
We'll bring you here and we'll take a reel of Clifford licking your face off.[00:04:57 - 00:04:58]
Yeah.[00:04:58 - 00:05:00]
You'll know you're finally, finally over.[00:05:00 - 00:05:14]
We have Clifford and Dr. Pepper in. Both of them would be 100% confident putting you on around, brushing, grooming, walking, riding, and you would not be in any danger being licked to death. That's probably the only danger you would face.[00:05:14 - 00:05:19]
Well, Amy and Greg live just about a half hour away from us, which is really cool.[00:05:19 - 00:05:20]
We didn't know this.[00:05:20 - 00:05:48]
I knew that they were in the Dallas area somewhere. Fellow Texans more recently, but not when we invited them to be on the show. So we're really excited to have them together. They co host the podcast Undressing Intimacy, where they get really real about what it takes to create a thriving marriage. And so we love hearing of other couples who are in the same realm as us, really wanting to help couples with their marriages. So thank you for the work that you're doing.[00:05:48 - 00:06:05]
We talk a lot about identity. That's one of our four cornerstones. And so we would love to hear, just in a few minutes, a little bit about your history together, how you got together, what drove you to do what you're doing, and then we can jump right in onto what we're talking about.[00:06:05 - 00:06:07]
Yeah, absolutely.[00:06:07 - 00:06:08]
Do you want to go first?[00:06:08 - 00:06:45]
I'll go first. I'll spill the beans first. I guess I have the best beans to spill. So, like we said, we've been married for 27 years, and we feel like we did it pretty much wrong for a good 18, 20 of those. And the interesting thing about it is that we were really good friends, really good partners. We worked together. We had kids pretty early on in our marriage. Not quite as early as you guys did, but not too far off of that. Within a year, we were pregnant with her first, and we really did struggle going through those life things. Right. And probably one of the biggest places where we found difficulties was in intimacy. It just did not make any sense. And.[00:06:45 - 00:06:51]
And when you say intimacy, do you mean intimacy, like all the kinds of intimacy, or do you mean sexual?[00:06:51 - 00:07:48]
That's interesting. We could be close friends and we could show affection to each other, but when it came down to sexual intimacy, that's where the roadblock was. The different desires, the differentiation we talk about and the different desires of where we're at, we really were using that sexual intimacy in the wrong way. So we come to find out that kept us from be able to be successful here. And it was quite frustrating. And then through all that stress and trying to figure that out, I definitely made the wrong choice. And I turned to pornography to soothe myself in that area and to also, you know, keep away from some of these feelings I wasn't processing through. And I wish I could say I was a brave man and I took this to Amy, but I can't say that, because when our last child was breastfeeding late at night, Amy discovered this on my computer. And I woke up to something I'll never want to wake up to ever again. And that was Amy Glaring at me. Oh, you got off.[00:07:48 - 00:07:49]
You got off lucky.[00:07:50 - 00:07:55]
Oh, yeah. Didn't throw anything at you. I've heard people. Computers gone, you know, all kinds of good stuff.[00:07:55 - 00:07:57]
Yeah. I had bruises all over my body.[00:07:58 - 00:07:59]
Oh, there you go.[00:07:59 - 00:08:02]
Oh, really? You're making. You're making that up a little different.[00:08:02 - 00:08:09]
I needed that more than anything else. The interesting part about it was we really struggled to find help. We found not help.[00:08:10 - 00:08:10]
Yeah.[00:08:10 - 00:08:28]
We sent a therapist that told us that I was broken forever and ever. And then he was gonna have to watch me closely because I was addicted to pornography and I could never get over it. We had church leaders that I don't feel treat me very kindly and differently and ignored me.[00:08:30 - 00:08:34]
Yeah. The odds are those same leaders are struggling themselves. So that's.[00:08:35 - 00:08:41]
That's the thing. You go into a congregation, probably 95% more. The folks in there are dealing with.[00:08:41 - 00:08:43]
This or have a history with it.[00:08:43 - 00:09:27]
Yeah, that's the problem, is we can't talk openly about it. That's the real issue. And when we get down to it, not to jump to the gun on it. When we get down to it, pornography is not the problem. It's the deceit, lying that keeps you from being close. I'm not going out there and saying, go look at pornography. Not what I'm saying, but I'm saying we focus so much on the pornography and try to put meanings around it. We don't focus on. The true problem is that we're not being honest with each other, and we're using this in a way that leads to things we don't respect. And when we can figure out what we're trying to do and why we're trying to cover up these emotions and we can deal with them, then we can deal with the issue if it's unwanted. But man, culture, society, church, we just. We don't do it very well.[00:09:27 - 00:09:44]
Well, I think neither one of us had a sexuality that was integrated. Neither one of us had a sexual identity where we could see that as a wholesome, beneficial part of us. And so that lack of sexual identity on both sides was a perfect storm.[00:09:44 - 00:10:15]
And this really was the explosive moment in our marriage that made us decide we're going to do something different. I think, in all honesty, we probably would have gone on in the poor parts of it for longer. Sudden happen, and then I never wish it would have happened. But we look back to. This is really the turning point in our marriage. We struggled and struggled. We found podcasts, we found books, all kinds of things. The problem is we Used to listen to these podcasts and use them as ammo against each other to say who was right and who was wrong.[00:10:16 - 00:10:16]
Interesting.[00:10:16 - 00:10:22]
Had to put our favorite podcaster in timeout one time because it was like, we can no longer listen to you.[00:10:22 - 00:10:26]
We were using them as weapons instead of to see ourselves.[00:10:27 - 00:10:33]
I really hope that people don't use our podcast for that. Yeah, I don't, I don't think that that's possible, but I, I, that might.[00:10:35 - 00:10:35]
It's possible.[00:10:36 - 00:10:43]
We have told this individual, by the way, we've had her on our Jennifer, Phineas and Fife. We've had her on our podcast before. We mentioned to her that she got to go in timeout.[00:10:43 - 00:10:47]
She had to go in time out for a while until we could grow up and learn to listen to her.[00:10:49 - 00:11:13]
So another large turning point was that our kids were getting older. I always knew that Amy was way smarter than me, and she had way more to give to this world than what she had. Not that motherhood isn't important, but she had sacrificed to raise those kids. And so I told her, you need to go figure out what you're gonna do with the rest of your life, and I will support you in whatever that is. Cause I know you have a great gift that can be given.[00:11:14 - 00:11:14]
Great.[00:11:14 - 00:11:20]
And that was probably the best money we've ever spent in our whole entire life, even if we didn't get a single client out of him.[00:11:21 - 00:11:24]
Because it helped your marriage, it changed our lives.[00:11:24 - 00:11:52]
It drastically turned us around. I was going to either do nutrition or marriage and paleotherapy, and did not realize at the time when I launched into this, how it would actually develop me, like, completely as a person and our marriage. And kudos to Greg, because every development that I made, he walked with me side by side and was willing to join in that process. Very willing. And so it was really selfishly blessed us.[00:11:53 - 00:11:53]
Yeah.[00:11:54 - 00:12:20]
But because it was such a hard thing to find, that's what really led us to, you know, wanting to do the podcast and coaching and because it is so hard to find realistic, useful advice, tools, guidance to actually create a thriving sexual relationship that's not based in selfishness, indulgence, greed, or all of these, some of the, the false forms of sexuality.[00:12:21 - 00:12:49]
So I'm just curious. Clearly something that you were learning in this course, to become a coach, was life changing. I mean, even more than podcasts and other things, what was the main thing that. Was it just more exposure to different perspectives to the degree that you finally started pulling out of yourselves or, like, was. Was There a certain aha moment for you, Amy?[00:12:49 - 00:13:29]
I would say the aha for me was that I was in what I would call a reflected sense of self, where I was by my children, by my faith, by my, you know, service in the schools, by my service to others. And I didn't yet have a self. Yeah, I thought I did, but I actually didn't. And not having that self, not being able to own my own desires, to have my own permission to be me, to even own my own emotions, I did not realize how much anxiety was running the show. And so the coaching exposed that in me.[00:13:29 - 00:13:37]
Self differentiation is part of my research as well. And it shows you that that's enmeshment. That. Yes, when we.[00:13:37 - 00:13:39]
I was 100% enmeshed.[00:13:40 - 00:13:58]
When we're 100% reliant on the behaviors, thoughts of beliefs of those that we love or those that we're enmeshed with, when they disappoint us, it causes anxiety, it causes distress, it causes total breakdown for some people.[00:13:58 - 00:14:28]
But wait a minute, wait a minute, my love and Amy, I thought if I like the same things you do, that just means we're just meant for each other. If we do all the same things together and we're supposed to like all the same things, doesn't that mean that's a good thing? Right. Enmeshment is awesome. They tell us we're supposed to be one.[00:14:29 - 00:14:32]
I think the interesting part about this is because it sounds good, right?[00:14:32 - 00:14:34]
It sounds lovely that it's actually alive.[00:14:35 - 00:14:56]
But the. My problem is I came at a different angle, right? So I had the same immense. But mine showed up in validation and the neediness of validation. I call myself a recovering validation. I sought validation in everything I did, and it was extremely bad in the intimate relationship because you're trying to extract something out of the person that they.[00:14:56 - 00:14:59]
Cannot give, that they have no idea about. Right.[00:14:59 - 00:15:25]
They can't do it. So is it okay to like the same things? Absolutely. There's got to be a common bond that you want to enjoy with each other, and that's okay. That's not a measurement. It's when you are trying to extract your own value of yourself out of that person because they can't give it to you. And that's the spiral you'll get into because when they can't give it to you, you're going to try to get it some other way and it's going to get ugly. So to me, that's the core of a meshmet is the extraction of.[00:15:26 - 00:15:28]
Is the problem the extraction of the self.[00:15:29 - 00:15:49]
So this is important to talk about because if we don't talk about the alternatives. Right. Then people in our audience may be confused because they may have the very same question. Hey, I'm supposed to be one with my spouse. That's all I hear. Be one, be one, be one and you can be one. And we teach. This sounds like you do too.[00:15:50 - 00:16:04]
That's why we start with identity. If you know who you are, if you have a self, if yourself is strong, you know what your desires are, you know what your thoughts are, you know what your opinions are, then you can be one a lot more intimately.[00:16:04 - 00:16:19]
You have to have a self to actually choose to be one. It's a false path to oneness. It's sort of like the appearance of oneness, but you can't actually create a whole unless there are two whole people choosing.[00:16:20 - 00:16:55]
Yeah, we call that astroturfing when we think we're one to define ourselves. And so this is one of the great, great life paradoxes, folks, right? Is that in order to really become one, you can become one. But it's very different than what you might think with a 20 year old mind or even a 70 year old mind, really, to be honest. It is developing your own sense of self, your identity. Right. And being a strong yet flexible self.[00:16:56 - 00:17:06]
Yeah, I mean, you gotta overcome a lot to get there, right. There's a lot of culture, a lot of our raising. I was raised that selflessness looked like giving up on oneself, a virtuous woman.[00:17:06 - 00:17:08]
Was needless and wantless.[00:17:08 - 00:17:29]
Yeah, I was here to protect my family and take care of them. That was my job. And I had to give up everything I really wanted and desired to be able to be successful. So there's a lot of past that we have to. It's painted as virtuous to understand that, hey, you have to have a self. Like that is not selfishness, that is core to being intimate.[00:17:31 - 00:18:15]
And without that, you actually lose that life giving force that I think we're kind of here to talk about today. If you don't have a self, you lose what we like to call Eros. Which eroticism really is that astroturf you're talking about? So often people see it as the sinful, indulgent, greedy, extracting sexuality that's damaging and destructive, but true. Eros is actually expansive life giving. The vibrancy that lights you up, that keeps you engaged, that keeps you expanding in life. And if you don't have a self, you're missing out on that life force. And it's not the needy, selfish, indulgent. That's not what we're talking about.[00:18:15 - 00:18:29]
And this is what we call scintillating. This having a scintillating life, having a scintillating relationship. And we say every week that to have a scintillating relationship starts with me.[00:18:30 - 00:19:04]
Yeah. The interesting thing for me is that I've become way more flexible. I've become way more understanding. I've become way less dogmatic and way more pragmatic in my relationships with everybody, at work, with my kids, with my wife. And so it's kind of that paradox where you say, hey, well, it's selfish to know yourself. But when I found myself and I was okay with it, I allowed myself to allow others to be themselves and to have those opinions and differences, and I found joy and happiness in them. Where before, I was very rigid in everything I did. My politics, my religion, everything.[00:19:06 - 00:19:20]
They were more threatened by others. Everything was threatening. They had a different opinion or a different idea or weren't the same. As you talked about, we're not the same, so we can't be one again. Oneness isn't sameness, but it is bringing a wholeness.[00:19:20 - 00:19:23]
So I love the word wholeness.[00:19:24 - 00:20:19]
A lot of times we find this idea of perfection, and the original word of perfection is whole. Whole meaning with your strengths and weaknesses, your flaws, and where you have developed. And so if you're bringing your whole self into, you're not leaving any part behind. You don't have to attack yourself. You can hold yourself in high regard while colliding with your flaws and in your blind spots. That is absolutely wholeness. And so when we say bringing a whole self, it in no way indicates that you only bring, you know, these perfection. Which is interesting that the word perfect really used to mean whole. And until the Industrial Revolution, that became flawless and uniform. And so perfection doesn't mean flawless and uniform in that sameness idea. It means bringing your whole, unique, authentic, diverse, original self that.[00:20:19 - 00:20:23]
That kind of matches the Victorian age. Darn Queen Victoria.[00:20:23 - 00:20:26]
So many problems from that time period.[00:20:27 - 00:20:27]
Yeah.[00:20:27 - 00:21:17]
So this idea of Eros, it is interesting because here on this podcast, we talk a lot about research. We delve a lot into research. Stu studies and derive patterns and meanings out of that and educate people. So there is a lot of science that we do here, but we had you on because this is not necessarily scientific. There's not research on it, as far as I know that we found. But this is more like an art. And as a physician, I am an artist too. And a scientist, that's art and science of medicine, because we know that there's meaning beyond just definition and words, which are also important. But this is more of a feeling, more of a. A higher purpose or a higher meaning.[00:21:18 - 00:21:21]
And this kind of more philosophical, I think.[00:21:21 - 00:21:23]
Yeah, I love philosophy.[00:21:23 - 00:21:25]
We have a lot of philosophy on here, too.[00:21:25 - 00:22:10]
And there's a lot of the stuff I don't understand exactly how it works. And Amy, like I said, was way smarter than me, so she understands more than I do. She probably leans more to the scientific part, and I sometimes call it. But what I know, it works and it's worked in our lives. It's ourselves. Right. So it's not like I've just watched someone do it, or I've read a book and they've seen it happen. I've seen it happen through a book. I've had it happen in my life. And then now, as we've shared it with our clients, we've seen changes that are just absolutely miraculous in their relationships. And to me, that's the proof. That's as much as a scientific proof to me that I need. Right. Is that we had there. We watched it happen and we saw results. So, yeah, definitely. Some of the stuff isn't defined as a scientific way, but we've seen it work, so we know.[00:22:11 - 00:22:16]
So, Amy, anything else you can tell us about Eros to understand that any better?[00:22:17 - 00:23:45]
Yes, I think Eros is linked to the self, as we're talking about bringing a whole self, an Eros in life, out of the sexual realm. So just in a normal life, in your everyday activities is anything that allows you to create, that allows you to expand, that brings life to you, anything. And sometimes as I talk to my clients, what's happened is they've lost track of that, they've lost track of what their desires are, what they are here to create, what makes them come alive, what captures their interest and their passions. And as we coach, it's about finding that anchor into yourself. Eros is often linked to your desires, which we believe are like roadmaps. These aren't, again, selfish wants. These are the desires that allow you to explore, to grow, to learn, to develop. And so we'll often have conversations just bringing that Eros energy, period, back into life, whether it's art, music, sports, people, writing, cooking, dancing, creating in medical advances, Right? Yes, medical is science, but also there's a lot of creation. And how do you look at this? How do you explore? How do you think of this in a new way? That's, eros. It asks us to go to the edges of what we understand or know and keep going, keep exploring.[00:23:45 - 00:23:50]
Yeah, but Amy, this, what you're proposing is very scary.[00:23:51 - 00:23:52]
Yes.[00:23:53 - 00:25:02]
Look, I like, I like to come home, sit down, pop off my shoes and watch my favorite Netflix every night. I like routines I like. Which I don't do, by the way. Yeah, I don't do Netflix. We do one movie a week on movie night. But this is my point. So many of us, me included, want to eliminate risk in our lives. Life is so scary enough. It's scary enough. And so we find these little safe protective bubbles that we do every day and don't venture out. And what you're proposing is quite nerve wracking. You have to explore, you have to become curious. And I think what we need to do, what I need to do is say, okay, Scott, let, let's reevaluate these routines that you love to do because life is scary enough and I want to make everything regimented. You're saying you, you have to learn how to push to that edge and say we need to take some risk. Is that right?[00:25:03 - 00:25:57]
I think it's a balance. It doesn't mean you have to live all of life on the edge. You can definitely have routines and definitely have comfort. We definitely like those as human beings. But if you have stopped listening to yourself, stop listening to those things that are calling out to you, those desires that are asking you to reach out in new little ways. I'm not talking. This has to be like completely uprooting your life or changing your whole routine. But this is the spark that keeps life in you. That's the arrows. And so it may mean changing little parts of your routine or being willing to look at things in new ways. That's what's often missing is that spark, that aliveness has become dull, monotonous, too comfortable, too routine, too predictable. And so that sense of self has been lost.[00:25:57 - 00:27:02]
Yeah. We often talk about how marriage needs both, right. I laugh and joke about this, but I said if I never married Amy, I'd probably a bum in the street, right? And I would, I would never have gotten to where I was. And Amy would be boring as hell. She would be. There would be no fun in her. So it takes both of those yin and yang. And that's really where this eros is born. When you bring it, we're talking about bringing it for ourselves, find our desires. But now if we bring it back to our marriage and we're going to bring it to each other, it's those that differences, it's the boundaries of getting the housework done, making sure we make a living, making sure we can feed our kids. But we often forget about the other part of arrows, which is that exploratory, that excitement, that life giving thing that we can do together as a couple. And those are the two yin and yangs that come together. And this is where that eros is born is and those differences. It's the place in marriage where we can go play. It's the place in marriage where we can find each other in a different way that we can't find each other in any other relationship. Right. And we often get stuck in the day to day routines. I know Amy loved them. She loved her teams.[00:27:02 - 00:27:04]
I love lists, I love routines, checking.[00:27:04 - 00:27:05]
Off, I love schedules.[00:27:05 - 00:27:08]
Man, I can really pick up a good one.[00:27:08 - 00:27:18]
And there, there is nothing wrong with lists and routines at all, which we have, which I go through every day. That's, that's very important. I, I hope that's not lost on this.[00:27:18 - 00:27:21]
No, no. This is actually having that balance, having.[00:27:21 - 00:27:23]
That balance right and right.[00:27:23 - 00:28:48]
It's being able. We sometimes call it the two buckets of marriage. Like there is the domestic and there is the erotic. And we were really good in the domestic bucket. That's the partnership, that's making a life, that's taking care of the kid, that's having trust roommates, affectionate. We were really good at that. But no capacity to be in the erotic or the intimate sexual part because we didn't know how to have enough freedom, enough sense of self. We were just too enmeshed. We didn't know how to own our sexuality, to own our sexual desires. And so that erotic bucket of marriage was non functional. And when it's non functional, it's, it often goes into more destructive or indulgent or where it can destroy or eradicate your marriage. So when you have both though, when you have the domestic and the erotic, the erotic becomes the replenishing, life giving part that gives you the fuel to do all of the domestic stuff, all of the lists and the structures which, that creates the partnership. To have the trust to be in the vulnerability of the erotic. And then the two are constantly feeding each other in a very beneficial, beautiful way. But it does require two parts, two different parts of our identity.[00:28:49 - 00:29:24]
I love how you explain it as two parts of us that need to be more integrated to make us whole. Hey everybody. Our episode with the Langfords ended up being so interesting that we wanted to keep letting them teach us and keep discussing things together. So this is the end of part one of this episode, and on Friday, we will upload part two of this episode so you can catch the rest of how to develop Eros individually and together as a couple. Hope you'll join us on Friday for part two.Join us for this engaging discussion that challenges conventional wisdom and offers a fresh perspective on marital intimacy and personal growth.
