Episode 103 - How the Golden Hour Transforms You and Your Marriage
The Golden Hour: How the First Hour of Your Day Can Strengthen Your Marriage
Most of us spend a lot of time trying to fix our marriages from the outside in.We talk about better communication. More date nights.
Less conflict….
More intimacy….
All of those matter. But what if one of the most powerful ways to improve your marriage doesn’t start with your spouse at all?
What if it starts with how you begin your day?
In Marriage IQ, we often talk about building a scintillating marriage one that’s deep, intentional, and alive. One of the most practical tools we’ve found for doing that is something we call the Golden Hour. It’s simple. It’s personal. And it quietly shapes everything that comes after it.
What Is the Golden Hour?
The Golden Hour is the first hour of your morning before the noise, before the stress, before other people’s expectations start pulling at you.
It’s not about productivity hacks or cramming more tasks into your day. It’s about intentionality deciding who you want to be before the world tells you who you need to be.
For some people, that hour might be 60 minutes. For others, it’s 20. The exact timing matters far less than the purpose behind it.
The Golden Hour is when you strengthen the inner foundation that your marriage rests on.
Why Intentionality Matters More Than Motivation
Most of us don’t drift into great marriages.
We drift into average ones.
Without intentionality, days blur together. Conversations become transactional. We react instead of respond. Over time, we can feel disconnected without ever being able to point to a single big problem.
Intentionality interrupts that drift.
Starting your day with intention helps you:
Respond instead of react
Stay grounded when emotions rise
Show up more thoughtfully in your marriage
It’s like emotional weightlifting. You’re training before the day tests you.
Identity: Who You Are Shapes How You Love
One of the biggest insights we’ve seen both clinically and personally is this:
You can’t build a strong marriage while losing yourself.
When people slowly give up their identity especially in long-term relationships resentment and stagnation tend to follow. Staying connected to who you are is not selfish. It’s essential.
During the Golden Hour, many people revisit identity through affirmations or reflection:
Who am I becoming?
How do I want to show up as a spouse?
What values do I want to live today?
These aren’t empty positive statements. Research in positive psychology shows that regularly affirming identity especially values-based identity leads to small but consistent improvements in well-being, self-awareness, and emotional regulation over time.
Those “small” improvements compound. And marriages feel the difference.
A Simple Golden Hour Rhythm (No Perfection Required)
The Golden Hour isn’t about doing everything “right.” It’s about choosing something on purpose.
Here’s a simple framework many couples adapt:
Quiet grounding
This might be prayer, meditation, slow breathing, or simply sitting in silence. The goal is presence not performance.
Identity reminders
A few intentional statements about who you are and who you want to be. Think direction, not pressure.
Intentional focus
One or two concrete goals for the day. Not your entire to-do list just what truly matters.
Some people do this alone. Some couples share parts of it together. Both work.
What matters is consistency, not intensity.
How This Quiet Practice Impacts Your Marriage
Here’s the surprising part: the Golden Hour doesn’t directly fix your marriage. It does something better. It changes how you show up inside it.
People who practice intentional morning routines often report:
Less emotional reactivity
More patience during conflict
Greater self-awareness
A stronger sense of purpose
More emotional availability for their partner
Those shifts may be subtle day to day but over months and years, they’re profound.
This Isn’t About Religion, Productivity, or Being “Better”
Some people pray. Some meditate. Some journal. Some sit with coffee and breathe.The Golden Hour isn’t about belief systems or self-improvement culture. It’s about creating a daily pause where you decide who you are before the day decides for you.And when two people do that consistently individually or together the marriage benefits almost automatically.
Final Thought
Strong marriages aren’t built only in big conversations or dramatic turning points.
They’re built in quiet, repeated choices.If you want a more intentional, connected, and resilient marriage, start small. Start personally. Start tomorrow morning.
The first hour of your day might be doing more for your relationship than you think.
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Hello everyone, and welcome back to Marriage IQ, where we make a borehole through boring, take an axe to average, and strike out stale marriages one scintillating episode at a time.
1:23
Speaker 2
You are highly intelligent in crafting those very interesting intros, dear.
1:31
Speaker 1
Thank you, my love.
You know, I was thinking this morning that being married and in love is perhaps one of the most powerful forces in the universe.
1:40
Speaker 2
Agreed.
1:41
Speaker 1
Case in point, Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon.
I think everyone knows about him.
Married to Mackenzie Scott for 25 years.
OK, divorce her and gave her approximately $38 billion.
1:58
What?
Not so he could divorce Miss Scott, but so he could marry Lauren Sanchez and take a chance of doing this all over again.
2:10
Speaker 2
My goodness, maybe they need to be listening to Marriage IQ.
2:16
Speaker 1
Maybe if anyone knows Jeff just let him know about marriage IQ.
You know, getting married may very well be the worst financial decision of Jeff Bezos life.
2:29
Speaker 2
He's still married to that second wife.
2:31
Speaker 1
Yes, as of today.
2:33
Speaker 2
How long has that been?
2:35
Speaker 1
I think it's 2023, so it's.
2:36
Speaker 2
Probably.
2:37
Speaker 1
Two years.
Yeah.
All right.
So yes, he he is in another marriage.
If that's not powerful, I don't know what is.
Think about it, $38 billion.
You know, he could have lived a Playboy life, which many men do.
2:52
But eventually, time catches up to these men until virtually every living man on earth comes crawling back to the realization that we all need, we all crave, we all long for we all desire.
3:07
We all want one woman, one wedding ring, and one life.
So deep, so intricate, so bold, yet so delicate, so romantic and so adventurous, so routine and yet so scintillating that we can't bear the thought of going through it with serial girlfriends and or one night stands.
3:33
Most men, if they live long enough, eventually realize that true love is truly loving one single woman.
The funny thing is, they may not even know it.
What do you think about that?
3:47
Speaker 2
I think saying that all men eventually come to that conclusion is probably a pretty big stretch.
3:56
Speaker 1
All right, 99%.
3:57
Speaker 2
No, I don't even think that, according to Brad Wilcox, who was on here.
He said there's definitely research showing two different types of men and that there are those who don't want to settle down and those who do.
But in the circles we run in, the vast majority of men do.
4:16
And I would guess it's possible that it's a majority.
I don't know.
I don't know what internationally these things look like, these statistics look like.
4:26
Speaker 1
Well, I have two words for you, my love.
OK, Hugh Hefner.
4:31
Speaker 2
Yeah, but Hugh Hefner, you've brought that upon a few other episodes.
Don't think that's a good well.
4:35
Speaker 1
He's the ultimate Playboy.
Yeah, he is.
4:38
Speaker 2
I mean, Playboy is his company.
He's he's the head of the company.
So certainly it would be him.
But we can't generalize when one man makes a massive shift in his life to say that that's going to be the case for all men.
4:53
Speaker 1
Well, you may be true, but my theory rests on the fact that even the Playboys, if they live long enough, will realize this.
5:02
Speaker 2
Or if they are two.
5:03
Speaker 1
Groups now become one if they live long enough.
5:08
Speaker 2
And and how long do?
5:10
Speaker 1
They see out.
5:10
Speaker 2
There how long do they have to live to to reach that point?
And I don't know if I want to be hooking up with a 90 year old man.
I think their options get a little bit slimmer and your testosterone gets a little bit less.
5:25
Enter Our Giveaway and Discover Your Golden Hour
Well, speaking about hooking up with 90 year old men, let's talk about our giveaway.
Would you like to do that?
5:31
Speaker 2
How does that happen if you?
5:32
Speaker 1
Can just do.
5:34
Speaker 2
With hooking up with 90 year old men?
I don't know.
5:36
Speaker 1
But we are giving.
5:37
Speaker 2
Away we do have a big giveaway.
You're funny, we love dating, we want you to love dating.
So we are giving away five $100.00 gift certificates that you and your honey can have a night out on Hastings on Marriage IQ.
5:58
We're really excited to see how many of you can come up with really great date ideas, but we're going to make it really easy for you.
All you have to do is go to marriageiq.com, our website and on there it should pop up a little thing saying subscribe to our weekly tips e-mail and you just put in your name, you put in your e-mail address and that's all it takes.
6:27
On the 28th of November, which is Black Friday, we will announce the winners, those 5 lucky winners.
6:34
Speaker 1
So Sign up today folks, get free date night on Marriage IQ.
It is my turn to do today's episode.
6:44
Speaker 2
You're in charge today?
Yep.
6:47
Speaker 1
So I wanted to sing for you, yes.
6:52
Speaker 2
And I haven't seen anything that he's doing, guys.
6:54
Speaker 1
It's called My Turn by Diana Ross.
She sang this in 1981.
OK, it's my turn to see what I can see.
I hope you'll understand.
This times just for me because it's my Turn with no apologies.
7:14
I've given up the truth to those I've tried to.
Please wait a minute.
7:21
Speaker 2
That's.
7:22
Speaker 1
That's not very emotionally intelligent.
I've given up myself.
I didn't.
7:29
Speaker 2
Like that song in the 80s.
And I'm not really sure I'm sitting there thinking, what in the world is your point?
7:35
Speaker 1
OK, All right, we'll.
7:36
Speaker 2
Be in charge.
7:37
Speaker 1
Today I thought it was a cute song, but clearly Diana Ross needs to listen to Marriage IQ.
So all right, all righty.
7:45
Identity, Intentionality, Insight, Intimacy, and Integrity
Today, folks, we are talking about the Golden Hour.
7:49
Speaker 2
What did Diana Ross have to do with anything?
7:52
Speaker 1
Because it's my turn.
Oh, I get to choose today's content.
7:57
Speaker 2
OK.
All right.
I gotcha.
7:59
Speaker 1
So what on earth is the golden hour, and what on earth does it have to do with marriage?
That's a great question.
8:05
Speaker 2
Yes, I.
8:06
Speaker 1
Would like to remind all of our audience members that just remember Mr. Miyagi, that little old Japanese grandpa guy in Karate Kid we talked about in episode 68 and 69.
Yeah, that fog will eventually lift folks.
In the course of Angels, we'll sing Hallelujah as the light bulb goes off in your head by the end of this podcast.
8:28
Oh, so that's how it works.
Yes, indeed.
So honey, let's review.
We've been asked by some listeners to review our 4 cornerstones.
8:38
Speaker 2
OK, we'll do that.
8:40
Speaker 1
So what are the four cornerstones to a scintillating marriage?
8:42
Speaker 2
Well, the first cornerstone is identity, and that comes straight from the research that I've done showing that when we give away our identity, forget who we are, and just fold ourselves into either the marriage identity or for women, it's really common to just fold themselves into their husband and become more enmeshed.
9:06
That doesn't make for a scintillating marriage, so we want to stay in that lane of remembering who we are, understanding who we are and really being focused on knowing who our partner is.
9:19
Speaker 1
Too.
I think that makes for a great first cornerstone.
9:22
Speaker 2
Our second one is intentionality, and that is being very intentional to be redundant there about the things that we put into our lives and into our marriage.
Not just kind of going laissez faire and seeing what happens, but planning, setting goals together, having a shared vision, holding couples councils, date nights, all the things that keep us tied to each other and being intentional about it all.
9:58
Our third cornerstone is insight, which is another word for self-awareness.
Being aware of my own self, my own thoughts, my own behaviors, how they impact you.
Being aware of and having insight into how I react to what you say or do.
10:17
Speaker 1
If I could put insight into one word, it would be.
10:22
Speaker 2
Aha.
10:24
Speaker 1
And the angels appeared.
10:27
Speaker 2
And then the last cornerstone is intimacy, which part of intimacy happens just naturally when we focus on those other three on those other three cornerstones are solidly in place, but we also need to be intentional about our, our intimacy.
10:46
And we're not just talking about sexual intimacy.
We're talking about physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, recreational, lots of different types of intimacy, which we really think just means deep connection.
11:01
Speaker 1
You see into me, see right?
11:04
Speaker 2
Yeah, and we don't have.
It's one of the four cornerstones, but the bedrock upon which those 4 cornerstones are laid would be integrity.
None of those 4 cornerstones will stand up if there's not integrity within the marriage.
How did I do?
Did I pass?
11:18
Speaker 1
ID passed.
Yes, you did very well.
11:21
Speaker 2
Glad I can have a part in today's episode.
11:24
Speaker 1
Your words and thoughts are very valuable.
That gives me great insight and perspective.
Thank you though.
11:31
Daily Prayer and Meditation for Mental Well-being
My dear.
11:31
Speaker 1
Today we're specifically we're talking about exercising, lifting weights, but not lifting weights physically or exercising physically.
We're lifting weights with our psychology and our emotions.
11:49
We want to specifically focus and 0 in on identity and intentionality, and I strive personally to start every morning with being intentional.
12:01
Speaker 2
As do.
12:01
Speaker 1
I So I like to call it the golden hour.
Now I.
12:05
Speaker 2
Learned Where did you get that term?
Do you?
12:07
Speaker 1
Remember, well, I, I learned we went to a conference some years ago, it was probably like 9 years ago where it just taught, you know, classes on becoming better.
And there was one particular speaker.
His name's Matt Morgan.
12:22
Speaker 2
Yeah, Doctor Matt Morgan is a physician.
12:25
Speaker 1
Yeah, it's like me.
And he talked about the golden hour or morning, either one.
But anyway, it was for me the golden hour.
And he talked about a morning routine that I thought, you know, I think I should start doing this.
12:40
He talked about how it's greatly improved his life financially, personally, emotionally, relationally.
So I thought, I'm going to start doing this.
So I kind of put my own tweaks into things and you did too.
12:57
So we're going to go over some of this today.
And some of this is really personal, to be honest.
But you know, I don't know what, what else can I do, right?
13:08
Speaker 2
We're good at being vulnerable.
13:09
Speaker 1
So my morning typically starts at 6:00 AM.
I'm awakened by what sounds like exotic birds in a forest in Germany somewhere.
So just a reminder to going through this today.
I don't want people to think, oh, look at me, you know, I'm so cool.
13:26
I'm doing all this every morning.
And you're not like, no, no, no.
This is not the approach that that we want to take today.
It is simply some tools that you could use or not to help your life and to help your marriage.
13:45
Speaker 2
And I have heard that billionaires have kind of that golden morning hour in common as well, many of them.
13:54
Speaker 1
Well, I'm not a billionaire.
13:56
Speaker 2
No, no you're not.
But a lot of them have similar types of things so I'm anxious to hear.
14:02
Speaker 1
Yes, I think, I think pretty much 100% of successful people are going to have intentionality as part of their life.
So I wake up to the sounds of these birds that's gradually get louder in case I don't hear it.
Very lovely.
14:18
I pray 1st.
And when I pray, I pray specifically for three attributes that we've chosen from our last marriage retreat.
You don't know about our marriage retreats.
You can go back to that episode.
14:33
But we had come up with three attributes that we want to work on for that quarter and for this quarter.
Those attributes are to be more virtuous, more patient, and more willing.
I pray for those every day.
14:50
I also pray that I can recognize my triggers, my emotional triggers, and to allow them to dissipate.
14:59
Speaker 2
'Cause sometimes we're a little overreactive.
15:01
Speaker 1
I don't pray that they'll go away.
I don't pray that the bad things won't happen.
I pray that I can recognize them quickly and allow them to dissipate.
We also have a yearly theme.
Every year we come up with from our our January.
15:17
Speaker 2
Treat and our goals too.
15:19
Speaker 1
This year it's to stay amazed all the things that we can look at.
15:25
Speaker 2
And every week we pick a different thing to focus on staying amazed about.
15:30
Speaker 1
So I pray and ask God that I can stay amazed at whatever we're wanting to be staying amazed.
15:36
Speaker 2
At the world around us, each other.
Miracles in our lives, our bodies, our help.
Lots of different things.
15:44
Speaker 1
So, but Doctor Hastings, I don't pray and I don't believe in God and I'm an atheist or agnostic, which is a lot of people, right?
There are a lot of religious people too.
So we don't want to leave these folks out.
All I can say is that's.
15:59
Speaker 2
Your experience?
16:00
Speaker 1
You know, all I can say is for me it works.
It works well to have someone or something bigger than me that I can communicate with and speak with.
16:15
It just it helps me.
Now some of you might say well, but what proof do you have that praying actually does anything right?
You might be just kneeling down and praying to a wall.
16:31
I mean we are after all a research based marriage podcast, right?
16:36
Speaker 2
Yes, we are.
16:37
Speaker 1
So what does the scientific literature say about regular prayer and well-being?
Glad you asked.
Study by Frewisi probably slaughtered his name and colleagues.
16:49
Speaker 2
Or her name.
16:49
Speaker 1
Or or her name.
I think it was a him but good catch. 2024 revealed that praying with others and having positive emotions that they felt during prayer were correlated with greater overall mental health and more positive self esteem.
17:07
That's cool.
However, if the person praying interprets God as an impersonal and demanding and or demeaning God, it is a more negative experience.
17:20
Speaker 2
That would make sense.
17:21
Speaker 1
So I think most people who pray, you know, if they have that baseline positivity toward God, they're going to have a better experience.
17:34
Speaker 2
And if they don't believe in God, maybe just being in nature or something would feel that same type of experience for them.
17:41
Speaker 1
Or just something.
Yeah.
Mother Nature, the universe, something bigger than themselves.
17:47
Speaker 2
OK, what else?
17:48
Speaker 1
Do you do #2 meditate?
This is somewhat controversial, folks.
I understand this.
We actually did a deep dive on meditation on episode 68 through 69.
That's called the M word.
We put the N word on there because we didn't think anyone would listen to it if we talked about meditation.
18:08
But I will tell you folks, this is one of the biggest things in my life that I've instituted.
That's made some of the most profound changes in my life.
18:19
Speaker 2
And that is also on the list of what billionaires have in common.
Did You Know?
18:24
Speaker 1
That well, where's my billion?
Dang it.
18:28
Speaker 2
I don't think we could handle.
18:29
Speaker 1
I don't want a billion, 100 million would be nice, right?
I don't.
18:36
Speaker 2
Think we need that either?
18:38
Speaker 1
So yes, we did a lot of deep dive on this with a lot of great research on the benefits of meditation, not just meditation, but regular daily meditation.
But you meditate a little bit differently than I do.
I started moving to 25 minutes.
18:54
It's taken me about 6 years to get there.
And I just kind of sit in silence in the morning.
Again, this is early morning.
It's dark.
I sit up straight.
I'm fully aware I'm not sleeping.
I'm not slouched over.
Back is straight, shoulders back.
19:10
It is, you know, a very intentional act to breathe in slowly, feel my breath all the way in, then all the way out.
Typically about 6 seconds on the inhale, 6 seconds on the hold, and about 12 seconds on the exhale and then wait for six seconds.
19:38
Speaker 2
Do you count all of that I.
19:39
Speaker 1
Do sometimes, but it roughly is about that cycle.
19:45
Speaker 2
OK.
19:46
Crafting Identity Affirmations and Concrete Daily Goals
And then next I go to Fortify app.
That is a app that I use every single day.
It is for people who want to stay virtuous and to not.
20:02
Partake in pornography.
I've been doing that for probably what, 6-7 years now?
Every day I read, I reflect.
That's part of my morning routine.
20:13
Speaker 2
What all?
What all do they have on there?
20:16
Speaker 1
Well, they have other people who are wanting to do the same thing and.
20:21
Speaker 2
So kind of we support.
20:22
Speaker 1
Yeah, we kind of help each other.
They have some inspirational thoughts and quotes every day.
20:29
Speaker 2
OK.
20:30
Speaker 1
And you know, it is interesting.
I have all of my laptops, computers locked down tighter than Fort Knox, it seems, because I don't want to go back into that realm and I'm willing to do it.
20:47
I want to stay away from these natural proclivities that effects nearly all men and.
20:54
Speaker 2
I appreciate that effort dear, a lot.
20:57
Speaker 1
Thank you.
The next thing I do, I read scriptures and some days I'm better than others, but I I do read them just about every day and try to think of things that I could apply it to in my life.
21:12
Speaker 2
That's good.
21:13
Speaker 1
The next thing I do is I review my identity affirmations.
Who am I?
Who am I becoming?
Who do I want to become later in life?
And it's interesting.
This is this is flowing.
It's changing.
21:28
I just added one recently based on a conversation we had with the spy guy, Jeremy Horowitz.
I think it was episode 97.
So this list is constantly changing.
Not not constantly, but it's changing sometimes because sometimes I change who I want to become and I'm constantly building and rebuilding myself.
21:52
Speaker 2
Are you looking at our values, our goals, who we want to be?
As we gain more perspective, we want to keep growing.
21:58
Speaker 1
So, yeah, I have listed about 50 affirmations.
These are things that I sat down with myself and said, OK, who do I want to be?
Who am I now?
And I realized too, it's a spectrum, right?
It's not a light switch.
I want to become more emotionally intelligent.
22:16
Well, there's not a specific end point to that, right?
That's kind of how affirmations are.
That's how they work.
I want to become better at them.
OK, so I want to share a few of mine with you.
Again, there's fifty of them.
These are things that I am right now, and other things are ones I'm working on.
22:38
The number one first thing I tell myself in the morning that I'm a child of God.
22:43
Speaker 2
What difference does it make knowing that?
22:46
Speaker 1
Well, I feel a connection, I feel that parents, child relationship.
I feel supported.
I feel like I'm part of something bigger than myself.
23:03
Speaker 2
OK, I like that.
23:05
Speaker 1
#8 I am a gentle husband to Heidi.
23:11
Speaker 2
Saying that to yourself every day is making you so in your interactions with me in marriage, yeah.
23:19
Speaker 1
#9 I'm a meek husband to Heidi.
23:23
Speaker 2
OK.
And meekness I see as strength and gentleness.
So that kind of is similar to #8 but you're also strong and and powerful in good ways, but not domineering.
23:41
Speaker 1
And #10 I give unfeigned love to Heidi.
23:45
Speaker 2
So you went 1910?
23:49
Speaker 1
8910 I don't want to share the other ones, they're too private.
OK #11 I find God's perspective.
This is my purpose in life #11 that is my my purpose is to find the perspective of God.
24:06
Speaker 2
Which means you're looking for the best in everyone.
24:09
Speaker 1
Well, I could spend hours on this, OK, It is very profound and it's taken me a long time to get there.
So if anyone's interested, I can reach out and talk to you about it.
But #18 I am an intentional father.
24:23
Speaker 2
I like that too.
24:26
Speaker 1
#19 I do not judge others, period.
So that is one of my things.
I, I really don't want to judge others at all.
Anyone.
OK #24 I am brilliant and intelligent.
24:43
Speaker 2
Is that redundant?
24:44
Speaker 1
Well, I think intelligence is more maybe facts and brilliance is more deduction.
24:51
Speaker 2
OK.
24:52
Speaker 1
So you can be intelligent but not super brilliant or the other way around.
24:57
Speaker 2
Right.
And you're both.
So am I lucky?
25:00
Speaker 1
Well, look, I'm not saying I'm brilliant or intelligent, but I tell myself this is what I'm I want to move forward on that spectrum.
25:10
Speaker 2
That's good.
25:11
Speaker 1
Let's jump ahead to #31 I find and defend truth.
25:16
Speaker 2
OK.
25:17
Speaker 1
That's a big one for me #34 I'm confident and competent.
25:23
Speaker 2
I know competence is one of your values.
25:27
Speaker 1
Core values one of.
25:28
Speaker 2
Those core values.
So yeah, I like that you wove that into here too.
25:32
Speaker 1
#47 I constantly learn, evaluate, change and become a better version of myself.
25:38
Speaker 2
That sounds like insight.
25:40
Speaker 1
Indeed, one of our 4 cornerstones #50 this is the new one.
OK, I am an elite listener.
I'm not But.
25:50
Speaker 2
Working towards it.
25:51
Speaker 1
I I thought I want to become that.
25:55
Speaker 2
I noticed that you're reading a new book lately on listening, so that kind of weaves together you're being intentional about.
26:02
Speaker 1
This So what does research say about these routine, these daily affirmations?
Great question.
Empirical studies consistently show that regularly affirming 1's identity by repeating writing or reflecting on statements about who I am and who I want to become can yield positive psychological outcomes over time.
26:25
So.
26:25
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Do you think that that's happened?
26:27
Speaker 1
I think so, yeah, indeed.
Again, it's like the graph you have trend line up and down, up and down, up and down.
And some days are bad, some days are great.
It depends.
Just stand back and looking at the overall trend and that is up.
Yeah.
26:43
These practices, they're often studied in positive psychology interventions.
They tend to produce small but reliable improvements in emotional well-being and personal development.
The benefits are not just immediate mood boosts, but they can accumulate and contribute to long term changes in our outlook and growth.
27:03
For example, Zhang and colleagues in 2025 did a a meta analysis.
This is a study of studies of 67 different studies on this topic.
27:14
Speaker 2
That's a big one.
27:15
Speaker 1
Found that self affirmation had a small but significant positive effect on our self perception and our general well-being.
27:23
Speaker 2
OK, so we say who we are often enough and eventually we start becoming that and have just better well-being, better confidence.
27:33
Speaker 1
So these benefits were immediate and if you continued consistently doing it everyday routinely, it became long lasting.
In another example, there's a popular idea of the best possible self idea.
27:49
What's that?
Well, that's where you you write or you visualize your own ideal future self, who you are in the future.
27:58
Speaker 2
I've heard of best possible outcome where you are drawing to yourself the best possible outcome in whatever the scenario is.
I hadn't thought of it in terms of doing that with best possible self.
28:15
Yeah, it's really interesting.
28:16
Speaker 1
Kind of look at yourself down the road in a year, three years.
28:19
Speaker 2
Well, I guess, yeah, I guess that's what we do with our shared vision.
28:22
Speaker 1
Yeah, our best possible self in the future, OK.
And that it's been shown to boost positive emotions and optimistic outlooks.
Carrillo and colleagues, 2019, almost 3000 subjects found that seeing yourself as the best possible self in the future, visualizing yourself becoming and doing what you think is the best version of yourself, and practicing it, found that this best possible self idea is an effective intervention to improve our well-being.
29:00
Speaker 2
So if you're depressed or.
29:02
Speaker 1
We're not depressed.
29:04
Speaker 2
Just when?
What are they talking about?
When they're talking about well-being.
29:07
Speaker 1
Optimistic toward the future, OK, feeling good about yourself, creating more meaning in your life, the scintillating life, might I add.
So which is what we're trying to do here is create more scintillation.
29:24
The next thing, my goals.
29:26
Speaker 2
You did your morning prayers, you did your meditation, you did your affirmations, and then your next thing is goals.
Yes.
So tell me about that.
29:35
Speaker 1
So my own personal goals, not our our marriage goals.
We do have our own marriage goals that we go through every Sunday during our couples council, but these are my own and I have daily, weekly, monthly and annual goals.
29:50
Now, the difference between these and the affirmations, these must be more concrete, right?
They're not nebulous.
They're not a spectrum.
29:57
Speaker 2
SMART goals.
29:58
Speaker 1
These are goal.
These are like light switches.
The affirmations are not like light switches.
They're like a dimmer.
Either I did these goals today or not.
And it's important to be able to differentiate between these and those affirmations.
30:19
So I have 28 daily goals for that.
I review every morning #1 I'm out of bed by 6:00 AM #2 meditate #3 fortify #4 read my scriptures #5 self affirmations #6 review personal goals.
30:39
Do these all sound familiar?
30:41
Speaker 2
Yep, you're talking about exactly what you're going to get up and do every morning, and then you get to check them off.
30:46
Speaker 1
Highly redundant, but it works.
Yes, I put all of my golden hour as my daily goals so it's easier to be successful.
OK #13 no judging others.
31:02
Today I asked myself did I judge someone or not if I did?
31:05
Speaker 2
At the end of the day, you ask yourself or and then if you look back and you found that you judge someone, then you don't get a mark that goal.
31:13
Speaker 1
I put it on my Strides app, which I use nightly, and then Stride kind of keeps my percentages and sees so you can see, so I can see how well, yes, how well I'm doing.
So I am doubling down on this idea of not judging others.
31:28
It's a daily goal because I really, really, really don't want to judge people.
31:32
Speaker 2
Do you judge me?
31:34
Speaker 1
I certainly try not to.
31:36
Speaker 2
When you think at the end of the day about judging people, my part of that equation.
31:41
Speaker 1
I would have to say I don't think so.
31:45
Speaker 2
All right, add me in there.
31:47
Speaker 1
I don't think so.
Here's 1 #17 fanos with Heidi.
That's the I feel statements, appreciation, needs, owning, and success we talked about in the Three Communication Tools episode.
32:04
We highly recommend.
32:05
Speaker 2
We try to do that every night.
32:06
Speaker 1
Try to do that every night on our walk.
So one of my weekly goals is to contact each of my children and also practice the piano at least once a week.
32:21
Monthly goals Listen to 1 audio book that's currently that one by Michael Nichols.
It's the lost art of Listen very very good book.
We'll talk about that in another episode.
Another monthly goal is flowers for Heidi Once a month I.
32:39
Speaker 2
Benefit from that.
32:41
Speaker 1
Not romantic to write it down, but it sure helps when I think about it every day and plan on it.
Yearly goals.
Memorize Rachmaninoff's 18th variation on a theme of Paganini.
32:56
Speaker 2
On the piano, Yes.
Awesome.
32:58
Speaker 1
I've had this memorized in the past.
33:00
Speaker 2
I forget.
33:01
Speaker 1
Now that's Clair de Lune I've memorized.
Now I'm back to that one.
OK, So what does the scientific literature say about setting these goals daily, weekly, longer term goals and reviewing them often?
33:16
Speaker 2
Tell me please.
I'm waiting with bated breath.
I'm guessing they're saying that it's a waste of your time.
33:24
Speaker 1
No, they're not saying just.
33:28
Speaker 2
Kidding.
33:29
Speaker 1
Decades of research in psychology and other behavioral sciences demonstrate that setting specific goals greatly improves performance relative to vague intentions or no goals at all.
33:43
Speaker 2
So being intentional.
33:45
Speaker 1
So Locke and Latham's Seminole goal setting theory found that specific, challenging goals consistently lead to higher achievement than simply telling oneself to do your best.
33:57
Speaker 2
That makes sense.
33:59
Speaker 1
And research emphasizes the benefit of breaking down long term aims into proximal or like a mediate, Yeah, a little smaller short term sub goals.
Short term goals provide frequent milestones and feedback, which is crucial for sustaining our motivation.
34:18
So the study on in 2016, this is another meta analysis by Harkin and colleagues.
They examined 138 different experiments and confirmed that prompting people to frequently monitor their progress significantly improved those goal attainment rates.
34:36
Just sit down with yourself and do it.
The next thing I do is I exercise.
This one I have to set an alarm for because by now I have to start thinking about being to work on time.
If I want to be to work by 8:30, I've got to set an alarm.
34:55
I usually do some high intensity interval training two to three times a week.
35:00
Speaker 2
Matt Morgan really turned you on to that, I think.
35:03
Speaker 1
We do the gym twice a week and I run once a week on Fridays.
And then it's time to get ready to work.
Set another alarm because I don't want to be late for work.
But before I leave for work, I pray with Heidi and we pray about lots of things, but one of them is to become the best podcasters and authors that we can become a.
35:28
Speaker 2
Bit surely I don't know, but I don't pray about it.
35:32
Speaker 1
That is a radical concept, I know.
We also pray to have eyes to see and ears to hear, to be sensitive to those people around us who are in need.
And then it's out the door and my golden morning is over.
35:50
I'm going to work.
35:52
Mindful Walks, Prayer, and Intentional Daily Planning
Wow, that's amazing.
35:56
Speaker 1
But I know, look, not everyone's going to have the same morning routine or think about it.
36:01
Speaker 2
Right.
36:02
Speaker 1
I know you have your morning routine.
36:06
Speaker 2
A lot of things are very similar, but some are a little bit different.
36:09
Speaker 1
I asked you to kind of think about your morning routine.
What would you like to share in your view?
36:18
Speaker 2
Well, I most of the time try to not pick up my phone during my morning routine because it's a little bit too tempting to check emails and check other things.
So what I try to do is just go get on my sweats and shoes and get outside.
36:40
We have a really cool park right by our house that has a lot of different varieties of plants, and I typically start by going on a mindful walk.
This time of year it's still pretty dark when I get out there and I try to notice the stars in the sky or if there's any kind of moon, but I look for things that I see.
37:08
Speaker 1
I hear you're mindful I.
37:09
Speaker 2
Smell, I taste, I feel and try to just pull into my body and out of my thoughts because if I am not super intentional about that, my thoughts will take over and I'll get really stressed about what's coming up for the day.
37:27
And then as part of that, I do a mindful prayer walk and that's just talking to God while I'm walking.
And that for me keeps my brain from kind of being monkey brain and helps me to be clear about the things that I'm being prayerful about.
37:49
And I come back and do meditation.
I prefer most of the time guided meditation, but I kind of go through different periods of time where I'll do similar to what you are, just sitting in silence.
38:05
I'm diving a little bit lately into contemplative prayer, which is not even speaking words, but just feeling.
That's a new concept for me, contemplation.
And I do find, however, that when I do meditation, whether it's 10 minutes or whether it's 30 minutes a day, I'm less reactive.
38:26
And I think that overall helps our marriage a lot.
If you can tell that I'm being a little overreactive, you'll say, how's your meditation going?
Especially equanimity, just able to root myself and let things.
38:44
I I guess a good way to say it is to allow myself to sit in discomfort without becoming agitated things around me and practicing that really helps.
Then I'll read my scriptures and I will look at my goals for the day.
39:02
For several years I did Matt Morgan's Daily List, where everything I do during the day has to align with what my values are and what my most important roles in life are.
And when I used his worksheet for that every week, I would say I probably accomplished more than any other time in my life.
39:25
The last year I've gotten a little bit away from that.
I've tried something new.
I may not continue with what I've got now.
It's a little bit less intentional, but I do.
Yeah.
But well, I do my weekly planning by like my podcast work or my working with clients work or my family medicine Plus work or motherhood or marriage.
39:51
So I do the roles.
It's a little bit different than what I've done in the past.
I'm not sure I accomplish quite as much with that.
So I may go back next year.
We'll see or I might try something new.
But I do do my planning every day and have a healthy breakfast.
40:09
Did I say exercise?
I don't think I said exercise.
I also exercise.
40:13
Speaker 1
Yeah, with you, your prayer is actually a prayer walk.
40:17
Speaker 2
A prayer walk and I talk out loud.
I'll put my Airpods in my ears so people walking by me aren't thinking, I'm just talking to myself.
40:25
Speaker 1
They don't think she's crazy.
She's talking to God while she walks in.
Nature really love that, that you do that.
40:33
Speaker 2
It's been big deal for me.
40:34
Speaker 1
That you're kind of exploring, you're trying different things.
Yeah, maybe this works.
40:38
Speaker 2
Maybe this is new in the last few months I'm going.
40:40
Speaker 1
To try this, see what fits OK.
40:44
Speaker 2
I do read through my affirmations and my goals as well.
I will say I'm not as good at it as you are, but when I find that my identity is a little bit shaky, then I know that's an area that I need to get back to that maybe I've been a little bit LAX, son.
41:02
Embrace Progress and Intentionality in Your Daily Routine
Well, thank you for sharing again, it's something we do a little bit differently and you might do something different too.
You find out what, what works for you personally that helps you grow the into the best version of yourself and your relationship.
41:19
Daily identity affirmations aren't a smoking gun cure to your problems.
Sorry.
That is part of a daily routine, as we've discussed with our own personal experience and with the scientific research.
It can really provide a steady, positive feeling that can help keep your personal development on track with appropriate tailoring and realistic expectations.
41:45
The simple practice is a valuable tool for sustained psychological well-being and a clearer, stronger sense of yourself.
Now you might be tempted to think I can never be like Hastings blah blah we.
42:01
Speaker 2
Want you to be like us.
We want you to be like you, to do it in a way that works for you.
But just saying.
Or these are things the billionaires haven't covered.
42:13
Speaker 1
You might say.
42:14
Speaker 2
Although so for Jeff Bezos, it did lead him to a lot of success, but it didn't really help his marriage apparently.
42:25
Speaker 1
Right.
42:26
Speaker 2
It's not a guarantee.
42:27
Speaker 1
For a marriage IQ, Come on, Jeff.
42:30
Speaker 2
Not a guarantee for happy marriages, but it does help.
42:34
Speaker 1
Yes, Yep.
And what we're trying to do here is, is put all the puzzle pieces in place.
Clearly, if you're a billionaire, you're probably removing some other really important puzzle pieces to a successful and scintillating marriage.
And we can talk about those, but as far as back to you, our audience, you know, I don't want you to think too.
42:57
We don't want you to think that, that we're perfect, you know?
43:01
Speaker 2
We definitely aren't.
43:03
Speaker 1
You know, it's this is a reality check, folks just kind of get used to it.
43:07
Speaker 2
But we're intentional.
43:09
Speaker 1
If you're thinking that it's always this pristine and we live these perfect lives where everything goes.
Florida State, just listen to episode 98 of our Real talk about our marriage retreat gone bad, but then recovered.
43:26
Recovered.
Do we do our morning routines perfectly every day?
No, of course not.
I'm at about 65% of the time currently.
Yeah, it's not 100%.
43:40
Speaker 2
I do most of the things in my morning routine a much higher percentage of time than that, but I also let other parts of my morning routine dip much lower than that.
43:52
Speaker 1
Right.
And I'm talking if I get 100%, So if I miss even one of those, I don't count it if you.
43:58
Speaker 2
Lump them all together as one.
44:00
Speaker 1
So I do 65% of the time.
I do 100% of my morning routine.
OK.
So it's not 100, not 100%, but it is up from about 45% a couple of years ago.
So that's progress on that spectrum, right?
44:17
It's not perfect, nobody is, but it's better than before by golly.
So the best advice that I got is it's always unsolicited.
I don't go asking for it because I didn't even know what to ask in the first place.
44:34
It's not until the very moments when I got it and realized I needed this all along.
That's what's happening today with our episode.
44:46
Speaker 2
We're just giving you the advice.
44:49
Speaker 1
So getting back to Mr. Miyagi and The Karate Kid, as you work on yourself, we mean really work on yourself, you'll start to see slow, measurable improvements in not just your own life, but in your marriage.
45:08
It may not seem like it in the heat of that most recent blow up, but if you stand back over time evaluating, measuring, doing your daily routines, you're going to start seeing fewer and fewer blow UPS on average and more scintillating moments on average with your spouse over time.
45:30
Do you agree?
45:32
Speaker 2
Yeah, I think we feel more confident in ourselves when we prioritize that time for ourself to become the best version of ourselves, and that allows us to show up better.
45:46
Speaker 1
So that means, I think too, setting down, like you said, the phone, setting down, setting down the social media, things like that, that are always reactive because this is a very, very proactive part of our lives, not reactive.
46:04
Now.
Do you have a morning routine that you love?
46:08
Speaker 2
Yeah, people that are listening may have some suggestions that we would love to.
46:13
Speaker 1
I would love to hear just because I do this routine doesn't mean I'm open.
46:17
Speaker 2
No, we changing, changing constantly.
We're trying new things, we're dropping things that maybe aren't as powerful as they once were, so.
46:28
Speaker 1
Life is constantly building and rebuilding, tearing down and rebuilding again.
So if you have a morning routine that you love and that works powerfully for you, share it with us.
And we can share with others too if you let us.
46:43
Just let us know at hello@marriageiq.com and share your morning routine.
46:50
Practical Steps to Build Your Own Empowering Morning Routine
So this kind of comes back, honey, to what have we learned today?
What can we do as individuals this week?
What can we do as couples this week?
47:03
Speaker 2
I know what I'm going to do this week.
47:05
Speaker 1
What are you going to do?
47:06
Speaker 2
I am going to shoot for 100% on my morning routine all seven days this coming week.
Sometimes one or two or three of the elements of my morning routine get ignored or truncated.
47:25
Sometimes exercise is only 10 or 15 minutes.
I just tried the best I can, but if I can get all of those things in there, then that's making improvement.
So thanks for inspiring me.
47:36
Speaker 1
I love that.
Well, sit down with yourself for maybe a couple hours.
Construct your own daily morning routine.
47:45
Speaker 2
What if they don't have a couple of hours to sit down with themselves?
What's another way to do it?
47:49
Speaker 1
Well, I guess as long as you can do it right and maybe you do it here and there.
47:55
Speaker 2
Yeah, just keep a tab open in your notes or something on your phone, and when you think of something you'd like to do, just add it in there.
48:03
Speaker 1
I think that's a great idea, and again, it doesn't have to look like mine, doesn't have to look like Heidi's.
I just shared with you some personal private parts of my morning in hopes of inspiring you to create your own.
This is you starting right now today, to become a better version of yourself.
48:26
It's never too late to create your own golden hour.
What can we do together as a couple this week?
48:35
Speaker 2
What do you think you mean in terms of the golden hour?
Because that's kind of a more individual.
48:40
Speaker 1
Thing Well, you might want to compare notes with your spouse.
48:45
Speaker 2
If this is something that both of you want to do.
48:47
Speaker 1
Yeah, OK.
What surprise.
48:49
Speaker 2
Each other accountable.
48:50
Speaker 1
Yeah, hold each other accountable.
And then what surprised you about what your spouse thought was most important?
That might be surprising.
It might not be.
OK, folks.
Well, I think that's a wrap for today.
And we're so glad you joined us.
You made it this far.
If you reach out to us, it's hello at marriageiq.com.
49:08
Give us comments, feedback, questions about future episodes.
If you want to see something addressed like us on Instagram and YouTube and anywhere else that we're at Facebook and subscribe, don't forget to subscribe to our weekly marriage tips.
49:28
And until next time, we will see you on another exciting episode of Marriage IQ
