Episode 113 - Three Lies Depression Tells You About Your Marriage
When Depression Tells You Lies About Your Marriage
One of the most frightening experiences in marriage isn’t fighting. It’s looking at the person you’ve been married to for twenty or thirty years… and feeling nothing.
No anger, No warmth, No longing, Just emptiness. When that happens, many people jump to a terrifying conclusion: I must have fallen out of love. But in this episode of Marriage IQ, we want to gently challenge that assumption. Because for many couples, that numbness isn’t the truth about the marriage. It’s depression talking.
Depression Doesn’t Just Change Your Mood It Changes Your Vision
We often think depression looks like sadness, tears, or not being able to get out of bed. And sometimes it does. But one of the most common and most misunderstood symptoms of depression is emotional numbness.
You can look at wedding photos and feel nothing. You can hear “I love you” and feel unconvinced. You can remember good memories intellectually but feel no emotional connection to them. That doesn’t mean your love is gone. It means your emotional system is offline. Depression isn’t just a feeling. It’s more like a filter one that quietly distorts how you interpret reality, especially inside your marriage.
Lie #1: “You’d Be Better Off Without Me”
One of the first lies depression tells is deeply personal. It whispers: This is all my fault. I’m the problem. My spouse would be happier without me. When you believe this, withdrawal can feel noble. You pull back emotionally, thinking you’re protecting your partner from your sadness or heaviness.
But isolation doesn’t heal depression. Connection does. Marriage is not a solo performance it’s a system. And when depression enters that system, it becomes part of the equation. That doesn’t mean blame. It means teamwork. The truth is this: you are not the problem. Depression is part of what’s happening. And healing begins not by disappearing, but by staying connected.
Lie #2: “We Don’t Love Each Other Anymore”
This one cuts especially deep. Depression often dulls the brain’s ability to feel pleasure or joy. Dopamine the chemical tied to motivation and reward can be muted. When that happens, everything feels flat. Food doesn’t taste good, Hobbies feel pointless, Sunshine feels gray. And then your brain makes a leap: If I don’t feel joy anywhere… I must not love my spouse anymore.
But the relationship isn’t broken. The receiver is.
Just because you can’t feel love right now doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It means depression is interfering with your ability to experience it. This is the lie of pervasiveness when depression convinces you that because one part of life feels empty, everything must be empty. The truth is quieter and more hopeful: this season is only part of your life, not the whole story.
Lie #3: “This Will Never Change”
This may be the most dangerous lie of all. Depression distorts time. It convinces you that how you feel today is how you will feel forever.
Why try counseling?
Why plan a date night?
Why even hope?
This is what psychologists call learned helplessness the belief that nothing you do will make a difference. And once hope disappears, effort stops. But hopelessness is not insight. It’s a symptom. Feelings are more like weather than truth. Storms can last longer than we want but they do pass. And even when depression lingers, change is still possible with help.
Why Waiting to “Feel Better” Keeps You Stuck
One of depression’s biggest traps is this message: Wait until you feel motivated. But motivation rarely comes first. In fact, the opposite is usually true. Behavior comes before motivation.
You don’t wait to feel like calling a therapist you call, and the feeling follows…
You don’t wait to feel like getting out of bed you move, and momentum builds…
You don’t wait to feel connected you reach out, and connection grows…
Small actions matter more than big breakthroughs. A walk, A hug, Making the bed, Sending a text, Sitting together in silence. These aren’t meaningless gestures. They’re seeds planted in winter.
What Loving a Depressed Spouse Actually Looks Like
Depression doesn’t always look like tears. Sometimes it looks like irritability, numbness, snapping over small things, or total emotional withdrawal. That doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t care. It means their emotional tank is empty. Think of it like a check engine light. The car isn’t broken. The system is under stress. Compassion not correction is what helps most. Not “just think positive,” but “I’m here. We’ll figure this out together.”
Biology Gives Energy, Psychology Gives Direction.
Healing depression often requires more than one approach. Biology sleep, nutrition, exercise, medications when appropriate can restore energy. Psychology tools like cognitive behavioral therapy, challenging distorted thoughts, behavioral activation provides a roadmap. Together, they help you reclaim agency, connection, and hope. Depression is not a moral failing. It’s a system under strain. And systems can be repaired.
A Final Word of Hope
If depression is telling you that your marriage is over, that you’re the problem, or that nothing will ever change pause. Those thoughts deserve compassion, not obedience. Help exists. Healing happens. And many marriages grow stronger not weaker when depression is named, understood, and treated. If you or your spouse are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or complete hopelessness, please reach out for immediate help through local mental health services or crisis resources.
You are not alone And this is not the end of your story….
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Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Marriage IQ.
We're really glad that you joined us again for this second part of our series on depression and antidepressants.
And Scott educated us about the many possibilities for diagnosing depression medications, how they work, what they work for, what's used for what, and some of the more holistic approaches to dealing with depression.
1:38
That's Scott's lane, the biology of depression.
My lane is the psychology of depression and family relationships, how it affects families, how it affects marriages.
So truly there are many reasons for depression and we're today not going to talk about those that are caused by inherited genes or hormones even, but more in alignment with things that are situational that are causing depression.
2:09
Speaker 2
And that really, Heidi, is I think the majority of the depression that's experienced is a situation, not the clinical depression as a result of something that's happened that most certainly can.
2:22
When Depression Makes You Feel Nothing for Your Spouse
And even if you have that kind of depression, towards the end, we're going to talk about how spouses can support their partner through those times and give them the most help.
But I think we can all agree that it's easy to spot that your spouse might have depression if you see them crying all the time, or if you see them not being able to get out of bed, or possibly even a lot of weight gain associated with just using food for coping and things like that.
2:53
But perhaps one of the scariest symptoms of depression isn't crying, but it's looking at the person that you've been married to for 20 or 30 years and feeling absolutely nothing.
You might think I must have fallen out of love.
3:09
But as a marriage researcher, I'm here to tell you that for most people, that is a lie.
Your love isn't gone.
Your emotional sensors are just offline.
3:21
Speaker 2
Wait, so if I don't feel anything for you after 30 years of marriage, it's a lie?
3:27
Speaker 1
It can be right?
Perhaps it's something else, but when we are not able to feel, even though we can look at pictures of our wedding or our time together and see good times together over the years, that could be very indicative of actual depression.
3:46
So today, looking at it through that lens, as well as possibly some others, we're going to expose 3 specific lies that depression tells you about your marriage.
3:58
Speaker 2
OK.
I'm excited to hear.
4:00
Speaker 1
It's almost as though you have a third presence or being or person within your marriage who is telling you things.
And so we want to separate the Depression from who you really are at your core.
4:17
As we talk about some of these things, we don't want you to make permanent decisions about your marriage when it's based on a glitch in.
4:27
Speaker 2
Your I like that, you know?
Yeah.
4:30
Speaker 1
And so that's why we want to expose some of that here today.
4:34
Speaker 2
It doesn't feel like a temporary glitch at the time.
4:37
Speaker 1
It feels very real or very nothing.
4:41
Speaker 2
And getting back to my experience in the office, acute problems, it's very cute.
People are very scared, very nervous.
But the tincture of time and some sage advice.
4:57
And when they come back later, No.
Everything's What?
Wait, what was this?
Oh, they've forgotten about it, right?
Yeah.
This little glitch right in the marriage.
Is that worth taking the whole thing out?
5:09
Speaker 1
Well, when people have extended periods of depression, I think sometimes they are tempted to make decisions that will just try to help them feel something again.
Or maybe that's often where they are making decisions about affairs or other kinds of sexual acts that might, you know, get something going to allow them to feel.
5:33
So what Scott talked about in the first part is like the hardware in a computer, right?
You can have a perfect computer even if all the hardware is going well and it will still run glitchy with some software problems.
5:51
So here's the problem.
Depression isn't just a mood.
In fact, today I want to share with you three ways that depression could show up in your marriage and the lies that you might tell yourself when you are depressed.
6:05
The Malicious Translator and Memory Eraser in Your Mind
So first, let's talk about the ways that it can show up in your marriage, all right?
Think of it as a malicious translator living in your ear.
6:17
Speaker 2
I like that.
6:19
Speaker 1
So the translator takes what you hear and misinterprets it or reinterprets it in a malicious way.
So for example, honey, why don't you rest today?
The translator may hear you're lazy and useless.
6:34
Your ear interprets that as critical.
6:37
Speaker 2
I'd say OK.
6:40
Speaker 1
OK, well, maybe you're not feeling depressed right now.
6:43
Speaker 2
OK, I see.
6:45
Speaker 1
OK, so when your spouse says I love you, someone who is depressed would hear they're just saying that because they pity me or they're saying that because they have to, not because they really mean it.
OK, so the problem may not be that your marriage is bad as much as that the interpreter is misinterpreting or twisting every positive experience or message that you receive from your spouse into something negative or bad.
7:14
OK, so that's the first way that it might show up in your marriage.
The second way is sometimes it shows up as a memory eraser.
It doesn't just make today hard, but it deletes your total ability to remember that you ever were happy.
7:31
So you look at your wedding photos, you don't feel joy.
You look at other pictures and you just feel emptiness.
You reinterpret it as I never felt happy.
It rewrites your history to convince you that you've always been and miserable in their relationship and therefore you always will be.
7:50
Speaker 2
That is really depressing.
It is.
I mean, I'm depressed just hearing this.
7:55
Speaker 1
And it makes me wonder with John Gottman's research, where he says he can tell within just a few moments with a couple whether they'll keep the marriage together or get divorced.
He can predict divorce.
If they've rewritten their story to be all negative and maybe they're depressed, maybe they have rewritten it that way because you're struggling with depression.
8:17
Just a thought.
8:18
Speaker 2
And if you are, then there's help.
8:20
Speaker 1
There is.
So the third way it might show up in your marriage is when depression acts like an emotional firewall.
Like on that computer, its job is to block incoming data to protect you, just like a firewall because your system, your, your nervous system is overwhelmed.
8:37
But the problem is it also blocks everything else.
It blocks the pain, yes, but it also blocks the joy and the connection and the intimacy.
So you really aren't distorting reality, but you've completely cut yourself off from reality by not being able to feel anything.
8:57
Speaker 2
OK, so not even a distortion, it's like nothing.
9:01
Speaker 1
Right.
You're living behind almost a glass wall where you can see your spouse, but you can't feel them.
In all of these situations, depression kind of distorts reality, right?
It doesn't just lower your mood, but it changes your vision and it convinces you that you are a burden, that you are a problem, and that your spouse is better off without you.
9:26
Or maybe even that nothing will ever change.
9:30
Speaker 2
OK.
9:31
How Depression Filters Out the Positive Data
So we have a fun little thing that we like to use sometimes when we explain this, and it's that we like to think of our brains as lenses, as glasses that we wear.
And sometimes, honestly, sometimes they're rose colored where we see the good and the happy.
9:51
Not everybody's that way, but we can at least sometimes wear those color of glasses and then sometimes, honestly, the lenses that we see life through are kind of you and I call them poop colored, right?
It's hard to see reality because it's so.
10:09
Speaker 2
Quite descriptive, yeah.
10:11
Speaker 1
It's looking at things like poop.
We just see the negative.
10:15
Speaker 2
This.
You still see the same thing?
Yeah, but it's colored.
10:18
Speaker 1
Right it is.
10:19
Speaker 2
And those.
10:20
Speaker 1
Dark or.
10:21
Speaker 2
Yeah, those with depression, it tends to be colored more darkly.
10:24
Speaker 1
Yeah, and I think a lot of people even describe it more as Gray, like they can't even see life in color.
Everything just seems colorless.
10:34
Speaker 2
OK, or I should say more poop colored.
10:37
Speaker 1
Yeah, so depression has a way of swapping out the lenses for our brain without even asking us, and that's where we start having some cognitive distortions.
10:49
Speaker 2
And we've talked a fair amount about biases and cognitive.
10:53
Speaker 1
Right.
10:54
Speaker 2
Distortions in the past, emotional triggers, things like that.
So I think this is a good reminder about how this can apply.
11:01
Speaker 1
Together.
11:02
Speaker 2
In someone with depression.
11:05
Speaker 1
Yes.
So the core idea behind cognitive distortions comes from cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, which is one of the most effective kinds of therapies we have for depression.
And like you said, we actually went deep on that in episode 87 where we broke down the 10 most common distorted thought patterns, and a lot of them actually directly fuel depression.
11:32
Speaker 2
OK.
11:33
Speaker 1
We tell ourselves stories based upon the way our brain is giving us poop colored lenses in a way that really makes it difficult to see what reality is or to see the goodness or the light in our lives.
11:51
So if this resonates with you, definitely check this episode out where we dive a little bit deeper into it.
But here's the basic idea.
When depression distorts our thinking, the brain filters out the positive data and magnifies the negative data.
12:07
It's not the good things aren't happening, the depressed brain just doesn't register them accurately.
It's not your fault, it's just the way that your brain is working and I experienced that in 2015.
We had a lot of hard things going on in our family and I.
12:24
Speaker 2
For rough years.
12:25
Speaker 1
They were very.
12:26
Speaker 2
15 and 16 and.
12:27
Speaker 1
I thought it was the worst year ever, but when I looked back at pictures at the end of the year, I realized, oh, there were so many good things that happened this year.
Why didn't my brain tap into any of those?
Why can it only see the negative?
Perhaps I had depression of some sort?
12:44
Speaker 2
That's probably one of the reasons why you radically changed your diets that next year which.
12:49
Speaker 1
Totally changed everything as far as the depression.
Yeah, I got rid of sugar and flour in my diet and.
12:57
Speaker 2
She has not had sugar in almost 10 years.
13:00
Speaker 1
You can see this really clearly in relationships where we can only see the negative things about our spouse.
So it's not indicative of there being a character flaw.
It's a distorted filter.
13:16
And we have to really look at as a spouse what we're saying in response to that, right?
If we just say just start seeing things through positive light, just start putting on those.
13:30
Speaker 2
Think more positively, honey.
13:32
Speaker 1
Yeah, why can't you stop chewing on your cud and start turning it around?
13:38
Speaker 2
Wait, people don't chew on cut, only cows do.
13:41
Speaker 1
That usually backfires.
Instead, if we can look at it through examining are filters that we're viewing life through.
It gently interrupts the loop by asking one simple question.
13:59
Is this the only possible explanation?
14:02
Speaker 2
OK, any other explanation?
14:04
Speaker 1
That we can look through this and when I use this with clients a lot, we'll just say let's look and see if there's another way to look at it that's a little more true.
And by finding that truth about the thoughts that they're having, by looking for a way that doesn't expose those distorted thought patterns immediately, depression or anxiety or distress can be alleviated just by finding different lenses to look at it through.
14:35
So.
14:36
Speaker 2
It's so hard though to change those neural tracks.
14:40
Speaker 1
It takes sitting intentionally looking at our thoughts.
14:43
Speaker 2
But when you after a drainstorm, you have those flash floods and it creates these, these little Canyon, so to speak, and it's hard to divert that water.
14:54
Speaker 1
The water go back.
14:55
Speaker 2
The other way, but that's really what we have to start doing, is tending to that and diverting that.
15:01
Understanding Personal, Pervasive, and Permanent Thinking
It's not easy.
15:01
Speaker 1
It's a really great analogy and I think if we just can tell ourselves we it's possible.
15:10
Speaker 2
Definitely.
15:10
Speaker 1
Look at things, and a lot of times it'll take having the help of somebody who knows how to do this a little bit better.
But once we start loosening up on some of those distortions, instead of just telling ourself worst case scenario, something really important starts to happen.
15:25
We start to feel like our life is meaningful again.
And when we make efforts, it seems like it's rational instead of pointless.
And we may have, when we were depressed, had a sense of helplessness that begins to lessen and weaken a little bit and we start taking more control of our lives.
15:48
Speaker 2
So I'm just curious, I think if somebody's just starting this, they're recognizing, hey, I have these ditches here over years and years of water running through them, and I'm trying to reroute this ditch.
Can it be when they first start trying to reroute?
16:05
Does it maybe seem at 1st to get worse, to get worse before it gets better?
16:10
Speaker 1
Yeah, it definitely can.
16:11
Speaker 2
I think that's probably important for people to really hear and understand is it might seem worse before it starts getting better.
16:20
Speaker 1
Or the other thing I see quite often, is there able to make some cognitive changes in the way they see things when they ask themselves, is there another way to see this?
What might be more true?
And when I teach them to tap into I'm human and I make mistakes and I'm growing, but I'm not responsible for this full blink.
16:43
Whatever it is, they are really hard on themselves that they can't keep doing it right.
16:49
Speaker 2
They might be.
16:51
Speaker 1
Tempted.
16:51
Speaker 2
To say I'm out, this is too hard.
It's getting worse, it's not getting better.
I'm out.
And I think what we're here to say is just keep going.
17:01
Speaker 1
Keep working.
17:02
Speaker 2
It may feel worse before it gets better, but keep at it.
17:07
Speaker 1
Yeah, I think all of this connects really well with the work of psychologist Martin Seligman, who I've followed some of his stuff for several years now.
But this is an area that I haven't tapped into of his research until just preparing for this podcast.
17:27
That is the idea of depression being linked with learned helplessness.
So he did a study with dogs that he was trying to figure out how we can get out of depression, how we can get out of negative mindsets.
17:44
And studies with research weren't so careful with animals and things back then in the 60s.
He's really, really sorry about that, but they would put three different groups of dogs, a control group, a group that had both, and then a group that received painful shocks and then they would open the door to let them go.
18:05
Every time they'd try to get out, this would happen.
And those that received the constant shocks eventually just laid down and did nothing.
And it's what he called learned helplessness because there's no use even trying because I'm not going to get out.
18:23
He uses that to explain how in depression, sometimes when we've tried and tried things and we don't have a change in outcomes, we just become very hopeless and we tell ourselves some messages about it that actually stop our progression and healing.
18:42
So it's really easy to remember there are just three words that start with P that help us know when we're stuck in this kind of a space.
And when that depression takes hold, we tend to interpret things first as personal.
18:58
That's the first P, this is my fault, everything's my fault.
Take full responsibility for anything that ever goes wrong.
The second is it's pervasive.
So we're telling yourselves the message This effects everything in my life.
This will.
19:14
Speaker 2
Catastrophic thing, yeah.
19:15
Speaker 1
Yep, that's.
19:16
Speaker 2
Cognitive Biases.
19:17
Speaker 1
Yep.
And then the third is this is permanent.
The third P, this will never change.
So if you are experiencing some of those stories that you're telling yourselves or messages or thoughts, those are patterns that show up whether you're the one struggling or loving someone who's struggling.
19:38
And I love that Doctor Seligman didn't leave us sitting right there.
Instead, he says if helplessness can be learned, it can also be unlearned.
Not through force, not through shame, not through fake positivity, but through clarity and empathy and compassion and practice, practice, practice.
20:01
Speaker 2
You know, this reminds me of that movie Soul.
OK by Disney.
Yeah, 42.
You have to watch it because otherwise you wouldn't know what I'm talking about.
But you know what I'm talking about.
She just felt completely hopeless, like there's nothing left.
20:16
When you brought that up, it just made me think of for the dude, what was this?
The Joe?
Joe Gardner spends time with her, helping her just with compassion, with practice, until finally she started seeing her own self worth.
I love that movie.
20:32
That's not easily on my top ten list.
Yeah.
20:35
Speaker 1
And what Joe was practicing and demonstrating there for us is really helpful for spouses in working with her spouse who's struggling with depression, not telling him, just get over it.
Just change yourself.
20:50
But compassion and empathy go a long way to making changes.
Sometimes it starts with simply realizing these glasses, they're not showing me the full picture.
So I want to break down those 3 PS and show you the lies that we tell ourselves, the three lies that we tell ourselves, because the three lies that people who are depressed tend to tell themselves in those three areas.
21:15
Why Depression Tells You, 'You'd Be Better Off Without Me'
So first is personalization.
The depressed brain says this is because of me.
I'm the problem.
And it comes from the first major lie depression tells that you would be better off without me.
That's such a powerful distortion because it doesn't just say I'm having a hard time or I've made mistakes.
21:37
It says I am the hard time, I am the mistake, I am the bad one.
Here.
You don't feel like somebody who is struggling.
You feel like a burden.
And in marriage, this has a huge impact.
When you believe that lie, you may start to withdraw emotionally.
21:53
So for those of you who may be pulling away from your spouse or shutting down or even pushing your spouse away, keep in mind that it may not be because you don't care or because you do care, but because you're telling yourself I'm protecting them from my misery.
22:10
That to some seems noble and it feels selfless.
But what it actually does is it slowly erodes the relationship and the connection.
So that light isn't the truth.
That's the depression talking.
So let's name the truth.
Clearly, this isn't all on you.
22:26
It isn't all your fault.
Depression is part of the equation.
Yeah.
And relationships are systems, not solo performances.
The truth then is as a couple, you can work together to understand what's happening and look for solutions.
22:42
Connection, not isolation, is what actually brings relief.
And I want to state that again because it's so important.
Isolation makes depression grow.
Connection is what actually brings relief.
And the moment you stop believing I am the problem, you can actually create a space for healing to begin.
23:04
When Depression Makes You Feel No Love for Your Partner
The second pattern is pervasiveness.
Like I said, the belief that everything is bad.
And this is the kind of thinking that says if I burn dinner, my whole life is a failure.
I don't do anything right.
One moment bleeds into everything else.
23:19
From this distortion comes the second light.
Depression tells us in marriage, and that is that we don't love each other anymore, like I talked about in the beginning.
But here's what's really happening beneath the surface.
Depression often includes the reduced ability to feel pleasure or joy.
23:37
And your brain's reward system, especially dopamine, which we talked about in your episode, is essentially muted because you can't feel joy right now.
Your brain jumps to a conclusion.
So in marriage, this shows up in a really painful way.
23:54
You look at your spouse and instead of warmth or connection or spark or excitement, you feel nothing.
And the depression rushes in with the explanation, if you don't feel loved, then the marriage must be dead.
The relationship isn't broken.
The signal just isn't getting through.
24:10
So here's how I usually explain this to couples.
This is the lie of pervasiveness.
And because you don't enjoy food or hobbies or sunshine right now, your brain tells you that you also don't enjoy your husband or your wife, and you assume that the spark is gone.
24:25
But it's not that a relationship's broken.
It's the receiver.
24:29
Speaker 2
Good to know.
24:30
Speaker 1
So let's ground this lie in truth, this period where you're feeling depressed, where you're not getting the appropriate hormones for your brain to work, just one part of your life.
Not everything is broken and not everything is empty.
Even if joy feels unavailable right now, there are still areas where growth and meaning and connection can exist.
24:52
Like you said, maybe that's where puppies and kitties and babies come in, where you can turn for joy, grandchildren.
So just remember that this is not your whole life.
This is just a part of your life.
This is just for the season.
25:06
Overcoming the Belief That Things Will Never Change
And then finally, the third of many ways, and perhaps the most dangerous distortion is permanence.
And this is the thought that says this will never get better.
Why even try?
Psychologists sometimes call this time distortion, where depression still is your ability to even imagine the future.
25:25
It convinces you that how you feel today will be how you'll feel forever.
25:29
Speaker 2
That happens a lot.
25:30
Speaker 1
Yeah.
25:31
Speaker 2
Yeah, that happens, I think to everyone.
It happens to me too because, and again in the moment it feels pretty rough.
25:38
Speaker 1
Yeah, we have the inability to see what's coming.
And in a marriage, it's what sometimes we call a hope killer.
It can stop you from doing the things that might help, like going to counseling, planning a date night, having a conversation, getting the help you need because your brain whispers what's the point?
25:58
Speaker 2
We'll just be.
25:59
Speaker 1
Miserable anyway.
26:00
Speaker 2
The dog that just doesn't get up.
26:01
Speaker 1
Yes, exactly.
26:03
Speaker 2
That is so sad.
26:04
Speaker 1
Over and over you come to the point that.
26:07
Speaker 2
Like why?
26:08
Speaker 1
Hope Plus I actually see this a lot.
Why try?
Nothing's ever going to change.
It's been the same result every time.
But I do want you to know, listeners, that I have also seen it change.
When both people can put some effort in, get the resources they need, I have seen things change.
26:30
Speaker 2
And a lot of times it just starts with one person.
26:32
Speaker 1
Yep, and if one of you is depressed and the other isn't, it may not be the depressed person that's able to start making that change.
It stops you too from fighting for your marriage because it convinces you that the war is already lost.
26:48
I just have to stay in this marriage until one of us dies.
A lot of times I see this because.
26:55
Speaker 2
That is depressing.
Yeah, I'm depressed just listening.
26:59
Speaker 1
One of the spouses doesn't have the economic or educational ability to make a change for themselves, like to actually leave the relationship.
So they're just like, I'm just going to sit here and just rot, shrivel up or go totally my own separate way, which we call roommate syndrome.
27:20
The truth is, feelings are kind of like weather.
The storms pass, and I think about that when I do mindful walks outside, especially on really Gray days where it's heavy and I struggle with some seasonal affective disorder.
27:36
It's hard to remember that that's not my reality, that's not my permanence.
But as I see the wind blowing the clouds, it is kind of a reminder that, look, in a couple of days we'll have some sunshine and things will feel a little better.
And if your depression is not seasonal affective disorder and it's socked in for a year or maybe more, there's still the ability for things to change when you get help.
28:00
But just don't get hopeless to the point of not being willing to get the help.
Giving up hope does the most damage.
28:07
Behavior Before Motivation: How to Take Action
That brings me to the idea of something I really love and you really love, I think, and that's redemption stories.
28:15
Speaker 2
I love redemptions.
28:17
Speaker 1
We all love those stories where something broken or harder neglected becomes something really beautiful.
I'm an HGTV fan or other versions of that, where they take old rundown houses and fix them up.
28:33
The house wasn't worthless, it was just neglected or damaged or weathered.
And depression recovery is kind of similar to this.
It's not about replacing the whole person, it's about repairing the systems and rebuilding what's been worn down.
28:51
What kind of redemption stories do you like?
And this is a psychological redemption, right, that we're talking?
28:57
Speaker 2
About look, I like them too.
I like to see the end results like oh that's so cute what they did with that.
29:02
Speaker 1
Yeah, I think on YouTube a lot of the most popular videos are telling a story of how people have overcome great odds.
So ligaments research kind of highlights this psychological redemption.
He reminds us that you didn't choose the conditions that taught you helplessness or LED you to helplessness within the depression.
29:25
You didn't deserve depression.
But here's the hopeful part.
You can participate in rewriting your story.
Even small actions, small shifts in thought can start to loosen some of those distortions.
And over time, you can reclaim hope, connection with your spouse, and even joy.
29:43
So for those spouses who are wondering what's a checklist?
What's something I can do to help my spouse, to help my partner?
It's important for you to know that like I said, depression doesn't always look like crying.
Sometimes the signs are much quieter or even outwardly irritating.
30:01
Yep, might notice that they've totally numb.
30:03
Speaker 2
Irritable or.
30:06
Speaker 1
Yeah, or there are a few people who are huge overachievers to mask their depression.
Maybe your partner seems distant or snaps at little things, or has 0 tolerance for any kind of stress in their life.
30:22
It's not them being mean, it's that their emotional tank is running on empty.
30:27
Speaker 2
I want to validate the husband's listening right now.
If your wife snaps at you, it might not be about you at all.
It's the depression that's exhausting her bandwidth.
Think of it like a check engine light on your car.
It doesn't mean the car hates you, it means that the system is under stress and it needs attention.
30:48
Speaker 1
That's a good analogy.
I really like that.
That's great.
So this is a big one.
Depression tells you the biggest lie, which is wait till you feel better to start doing something about it.
But here's the truth, you will never feel like it.
31:05
The secret is behavior comes before the motivation.
You don't wait for the feeling to pick up the phone and call a therapist.
You don't wait for the feeling to get out of bed and start moving.
You don't wait to feel like it to call up a friend and say can we go to lunch or can we talk for a minute.
31:26
You create the feeling by taking action.
Some things that you can do to take action or just go for a walk or hug your spouse, make the bed, call a friend, just do the thing and the feeling will follow.
You can't just wait for the inspiration or depression will keep you stuck if you do.
31:46
Speaker 2
That's true.
31:46
Speaker 1
It's like planting seeds in the winter.
You don't wait until the flowers bloom to water them, you water them so they can bloom.
31:55
Speaker 2
I like that.
31:56
Speaker 1
Yeah, I think we talk about the same with sex, too.
You make the decision to act.
This is what I'm going to do with my husband, and then the desire follows.
32:07
Reclaiming Control and Seeking Help for Depression
So to sum it all up, dear, biology gives you energy.
If you take care of depression biologically first, perhaps with things that Scott talked about like medications, like getting better sleep and exercise and healthy eating, that gives you some energy.
32:27
Psychology gives you the road map to understand the intricacies of depression and some things that you can do to lessen it and to maybe even overcome or heal it.
Depression really is complicated, and there's brain chemistry and hormones and life stressed and learned patterns of helplessness.
32:48
But we do have tools like CBT and behavioral activation and awareness of those cognitive distortions that help you reclaim control.
32:58
Speaker 2
If you haven't watched or listened to the episode where we talked about depression and antidepressants and how it works in your system, go back and check it out.
And I think that'll really go well with this one.
Sometimes people are just trying to therapy their way out of thyroid problem or other biological factors, and it's important to get those things checked out as well.
33:20
It's worth knowing that full picture.
33:22
Speaker 1
Yeah, that is true.
And remember, depression isn't a moral failing.
It's a system that's under stress for your partner, for you, for yourself.
But with small steps and understanding, you can start rewriting that story.
And we encourage those who are really stuck in depression that makes life so hopeless, where they want to take their life, where they are having suicidal thoughts.
33:50
Please get help.
Often many county mental health offices will do a free evaluation.
You can call them and have them come to your home to do an evaluation to see if you need further help with that or they'll have different resources.
34:06
So look those up, especially if you're in a bigger city.
But reach out to someone, let them know.
34:13
Speaker 2
Thank you for joining us today.
We really appreciate you ringing in the new Year 2026 with us talking about depression and we hope you don't get depressed by all of this.
But I we both feel really feel like this is going to be helpful for people need this push.
34:32
If you feel like you need to, reach out to us.hello@marriageiq.com and we will respond.
34:37
Speaker 1
And share it with a friend or a family member that you think might find some help.
34:40
Speaker 2
In it, yeah.
And we really look forward to seeing you next time on another exciting episode of MARRIAGE.
34:47
Speaker 1
IQ.
