Episode 119 - Emotional Hypocrisy is Fueling Marital Inequality
Are You Asking for What You’re Not Giving?
We Don’t Feel Close Anymore…
Have you ever thought:
We don’t feel close anymore.
I just want to be happy in our marriage.
Can you help me help them change?
I want to feel cherished, loved, desired.
If that resonates, you’re not alone.
So many couples quietly carry this ache. On the outside, things may look fine. But inside, there’s distance. Frustration. Maybe even resentment. You want connection again — or maybe you’ve never quite had it the way you hoped.
And that’s where a hard but freeing concept comes in: emotional hypocrisy.
What Is Emotional Hypocrisy?
Emotional hypocrisy is when we expect emotional maturity, intentional love, vulnerability, and connection from our spouse… while overlooking our own defensiveness, contempt, assumptions, or avoidance.
It sounds harsh. But stay with me.
We all say, “Of course I have flaws.” But when conflict hits at home, something shifts. Suddenly, it’s mostly their fault.
We want:
Intentional love
Attention
True happiness
Emotional safety
But are we consistently offering those same things?
“God, Please Make Them Change.”
There’s a familiar pattern many couples fall into. Something small happens. A misunderstanding. A comment. A tone. And internally we pray:
Please make them change so our marriage can be better.
But what if the more powerful question is:
What if I changed first?
This isn’t about blame. It’s about agency.
You can’t control your spouse’s behavior. You can’t force transformation. But you absolutely have control over your own reactions, tone, and patterns.
And here’s the paradox:
When one person in a system changes, the system has to adjust.
Do You Want to Be Right — or Married?
Sometimes what we’re really seeking isn’t connection. It’s validation.
We want someone to say:
“You’re right. Your spouse is wrong.”
But that mindset can quietly turn into something more destructive: contempt.
Contempt says:
I’m good. You’re bad.
I try. You don’t.
I care more than you do.
And contempt rarely shows up as shouting. It hides in tone. Eye rolls. Sighs. Silence. Scorekeeping.
The problem? Contempt doesn’t create closeness. It pushes people away.
Mind-Reading Is Not Emotional Intelligence
Many spouses believe:
“They fake it with everyone else. I get the worst version.”
But how do you know?
Have you asked? Or are you assuming?
Mind-reading feels intuitive. But it often fuels misunderstanding. Real emotional intelligence looks more like this:
“When you said that, I interpreted it this way. Help me understand what you meant.”
Curiosity softens tension. Assumptions harden it.
The Double Standard We Don’t See
Here’s a powerful example of human nature.
In surveys about open relationships, some people say they’re generally okay with the idea — until the question becomes:
“Would you be okay if your own partner did it?”
Suddenly, support drops dramatically.
Translation?
What feels acceptable for me may not feel acceptable for you.
We do this emotionally too.
It’s okay when I withdraw — I’m stressed.
It’s not okay when you withdraw — you don’t care.
It’s understandable when I’m defensive — I feel attacked.
It’s unacceptable when you’re defensive — you’re impossible.
That’s emotional hypocrisy.
Not evil. Just human.
Gender Differences: Oil and Water
Men and women often process the world differently.
Many men lean solution-focused, direct, task-oriented.
Many women lean contextual, relational, emotionally nuanced.
Neither is superior. Both are necessary.
But misunderstandings happen when we expect our spouse to operate emotionally the way we do.
Wives may want husbands who are:
Strong but tender
Confident but vulnerable
Leaders but collaborative
Husbands may want wives who are:
Supportive but independent
Passionate but steady
Caring but not self-sacrificing
Those desires can feel paradoxical. But they aren’t hypocrisy — they’re complexity.
The key is timing, communication, and curiosity.
Are Your Complaints Actually About You?
This is uncomfortable.
But sometimes the traits we criticize most in our spouse mirror our own hidden insecurities.
If you find yourself constantly irritated by something specific, ask:
What does this trigger in me?
Is this touching an insecurity?
Am I reacting to them or to myself?
Deep self-reflection can prevent years of escalating resentment.
Important: What About Abuse?
Let’s be clear.
If you are in an abusive relationship - emotional, physical, or otherwise this framework does not apply. Abuse is never justified. You deserve safety and support.
But in the majority of marriages where abuse is not present, the issue is usually mutual patterns, not villains and victims.
And in patterns, self-work is powerful.
The Man in the Mirror
There’s a reason the message from that famous 80s song still resonates:
If you want to make things better…
Start with the person in the mirror.
Before asking:
“How can I get my spouse to change?”
Ask:
Where am I defensive?
Where am I contemptuous?
Where am I assuming?
Where am I emotionally withholding?
That’s not weakness. That’s leadership.
One Small Step This Week
Instead of identifying your spouse’s flaw this week, try identifying your own pattern.
Just one.
Then bring it to your weekly check-in and say:
“I noticed I do this. I’m working on it.”
Watch what happens.
Emotional hypocrisy thrives in blame.
Connection thrives in humility.
And sometimes the fastest way to change your marriage…
is to change yourself first.
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0:00
Understanding Emotional Hypocrisy and Our Podcast Approach
You ever think to yourself about your spouse we don't feel close anymore or what's happened to us.
I want to be happy in our marriage and you help me help them change.
0:12
Speaker 2
I want to be cherished and loved and desired.
0:15
Speaker 1
We all say, Oh yeah, I have problems.
But then when you go home you don't assume you have problems.
It's only your spouse.
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
0:30
Speaker 2
I'm Heidi Hastings.
0:32
Speaker 1
And I'm Scott Hastings.
0:33
Speaker 2
We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose, to change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.
0:55
Speaker 1
Hello everyone, we want to talk specifically today about emotional hypocrisy.
You might be thinking, what on earth?
1:04
Speaker 2
Is that?
Yep, that's what I said.
1:06
Speaker 1
Let me just ask you a few questions.
You ever think to yourself about your spouse?
We don't feel close anymore or sometimes I just can't stand you being around me or what's happened to us.
Any of those questions ever come to your mind?
1:23
Does it strike a chord?
Well, you're not alone, folks.
It happens to the best of us, and we here at Marriage IQ are determined to help pull you out of that rut and send you flying again back to your scintillating marriage that you had before and you want again, or you've never had and you want.
1:44
But first we want to do a little updating on Marriage IQ.
We've received some feedback and traditionally we've put a lot of research into our podcasts and that doesn't go as well with some people.
1:59
It does with other people, but we want to share our message with everyone.
And So what we're doing is we're kind of meeting in the middle.
2:07
Speaker 2
Yeah, and if you hear us say something and you're interested in where did that come from, feel free to e-mail us at hello@marriageiq.com or reach out in a comment and we'll get that information for you.
2:21
Addressing Listener Emails: The Power of Changing Yourself First
So yes, we still want to be very much evidence based here at Marriage IQ and the Hastings Institute for Advanced Marital Studies.
So we'd like to share parts of emails from people who listen today.
They all kind of hit on that same theme of emotional disconnectedness.
2:41
This represents a lot of feelings out there, folks, lot of different people.
So this e-mail, we'll call it a theoretic e-mail that we've gathered from multiple sources, might go something like, I have wanted my husband or wife to change.
3:01
Can you help me help them change?
I want to be happy in our marriage.
3:07
Speaker 2
I want to be cherished and loved and desired.
3:11
Speaker 1
So first of all, to that person who would might write this to us, we understand, we hear what you're saying and you need to know that we love you.
We're starting with love.
You are loved by the Hastings, but you can hope and pray all your life for someone else to change.
3:33
Are you hoping and praying for your own self to change and then are you acting on it?
I don't know of anyone alive unless you do, honey, who doesn't want to be happy in their marriage.
3:49
Speaker 2
I remember very specifically Scott and I riding bikes through the Tulip fields in the Netherlands.
A dream come true for me because I love tulips with all of my heart.
But something happened between the bike ride and when we got to the bed and breakfast that evening that really ticked me off.
4:09
I can't even remember what it was, but I do remember praying God, please make him change.
Please make him change so our marriage can be better.
And very clearly hearing.
4:25
But look at yourself.
4:27
Speaker 1
But I changed.
4:27
Speaker 2
I was shocked.
I was shocked.
What do you mean you changed?
I don't even know what it.
4:33
Speaker 1
Was I do know.
4:35
Speaker 2
But what it did make me do.
Oh, you remember the experience.
You'll have to tell me what I'm.
4:40
Speaker 1
Not going to say right now.
4:42
Speaker 2
But it did make me look at things a little bit differently and go, oh, I have agency, he has agency.
We can't make anyone else change as much as we try.
The only person that we can change is ourselves.
And in doing so, a lot of times the other person will change too.
5:02
Unpacking Mind-Reading, Bias, and the Destructive Nature of Contempt
That is a great point.
My love to put right in here at the start.
You know, it's interesting this e-mail goes on and tells us that this person's spouse can fake it and look good to others, but they want true happiness.
5:22
So I want true happiness.
I want intentional love.
I want attention from my spouse.
Well, a question to you.
How do you know that your spouse is faking it?
5:40
What evidence, what perspective have you received from your experiences to know that they are faking it?
5:48
Speaker 2
Have some of you felt that way sometimes that your spouse gives their best self to someone else, but it's really faking it and you're getting kind of the right end of the deal?
6:01
Speaker 1
Yeah, I mean, have you asked him?
You're just assuming what is he or she?
Faking mind reading is not an emotionally intelligent spouse.
What is emotionally intelligent though is picking up on non verbal cues and that energy that your spouse has that prompts you into a curious state and an opportunity to start understanding your spouse better.
6:27
So let's back up again.
This is a collage of many.
They're hurting.
They're seeking validation.
They want the Hastings to say without maybe saying it or thinking it consciously.
6:43
See, I'm right.
My spouse is wrong.
6:47
Speaker 2
And when I work with people specifically on this topic, I don't just tell them that they're right.
We do a pretty big inspection at looking at what our own part is.
7:01
Speaker 1
Yeah, so if that happens and you use that as ammo against your spouse, Hastings said.
This tell me how that game pans out.
You know me score 1, you score 0.
7:17
How's that going to pan out?
Do you not think that your spouse also wants true happiness and intentional love and attention from you?
Think about it again.
What spouse out there does not want true happiness, intentional love and intention from their spouse?
7:36
You may look at your spouse and say I do things intentionally every day, but my spouse does not.
You know a hot dog that is so great that you are intentional?
Hallelujah, you've learned something from the Hastings.
7:52
But how do you know that your spouse doesn't put much intentionality on their side?
Maybe it's not Doesn't look the same as yours.
Have you had a neutral observer come in and observe your marriage?
You know our minds can play crazy tricks on us.
8:10
Speaker 2
Oh, we have biases.
8:13
Speaker 1
We do.
We had a bias episode that we talked about that on.
All right, you may look at your spouse and say, Jeez, you're, you have this addiction to food or TV or pornography or whatever.
And I don't, I don't have these things.
8:34
I mean, I may say I do, but in reality, I don't think I do.
We all say, oh, yeah, I have problems.
But then when you go home, you don't assume you have problems.
It's only your spouse.
But Doctor Hastings, you're not listening to me.
8:49
My spouse does terrible things.
OK, let's rephrase this.
You might be right, but do you want to be right or do you want to be married?
What do you think about that, my love?
9:03
Speaker 2
Well, besides only seeing the fault of your spouse, I think when those are the lenses that you're putting on, that's the bias that you're coming into the marriage with.
In my personal experience in both marriage and in parenting, when I've done that, when I can only see the faults of others and when I measure that against myself, that's contempt.
9:28
Contempt means I'm good, you're bad, and that will drag a relationship to death.
But also what it has done for me when I've been in that boat is I start trying to control the other person, and that is no bueno.
9:45
That control can be through yelling, telling other people what to do.
Contempt impacts the tone of our voice, and that can feel like an attack.
It can drive people away from us a lot more than it can drive people to do what we wanted originally, which was closeness and connection.
10:09
But anytime I use contempt in my thoughts it's showing up in a whole lot of my actions and my non verbal cues that drives people further away.
10:22
Deep Self-Reflection: Understanding Identity for Systemic Marital Change
You know, The thing is, it's funny is we talk about contempt, we listen to podcasts about contempt.
We think, OK, contempt is bad, but then we go back and live our lives filled with contempt.
10:38
Speaker 2
But we're not recognizing it, right?
10:40
Speaker 1
So that's what we're doing today is we're talking about building this framework of of this emotional hypocrisy.
All these things I think I know about that I admit to on a general level.
10:56
But when it comes to specific living, when I goes out the turn off the mic to this podcast and I live my regular life, I tend to forget.
And that's the same thing for a.
11:09
Speaker 2
Lot of people, especially when there's a lot of stress.
11:11
Speaker 1
Yeah.
So really looking deeply at ourselves, not just admitting that we have these issues, but really doing the deep homework of that self reflection, that insight that we've talked about so much, going back and reviewing and reviewing and reviewing.
11:30
Am I being contempt full here?
Am I being defensive here?
In what ways am I being defensive?
What happened in this last conversation where I was defensive, not thinking about how bad you were or how angry you were, but about me.
11:47
And really, that requires US going back to identity, that first of our four cornerstones.
Who am I?
How did I grow up, my environment?
How did I see my parents marriage?
What expectations were made of me?
What expectations do I have of myself currently?
12:05
Do I find my sense of worth from others?
Do I have my own self sense of worth, and if so, why?
What do I do well in?
What does my spouse do well in?
So what if the complaints we have about our spouse are actually hidden messages to our own selves, telling ourselves that there are things we don't like about ourselves?
12:29
Speaker 2
That's interesting.
12:31
Speaker 1
So what if the things that I have problems with you are really reflections on the deep insecurities I have about myself?
12:39
Speaker 2
I think that's absolutely true.
Yep.
I think every time I have looked at somebody and thought that they needed to change, I've learned that it's really me that's needed to change.
12:54
And because I couldn't see that, life got harder and harder and harder until it got to be so hard that I realized I have to change.
What we're telling you here today is it doesn't have to get to that desperate, distressing point before you can take a look at your own self.
13:17
Speaker 1
But it might.
13:18
Speaker 2
But it might.
13:19
Speaker 1
You might ask, are the problems my spouse has really just me reacting to the problems I have?
But Doctor Hastings, some spouses are abusive.
13:33
Speaker 2
Now that is true.
13:34
Speaker 1
That's true.
13:36
Speaker 2
And we never condone abuse.
13:38
Speaker 1
But, you know, according to World Health Organization, anyway, the amount of abuse, well, this is intimate partner violence.
13:46
Speaker 2
Which is emotional abuse or right anything like that.
13:51
Speaker 1
Well, it's not in married couples either alone.
It's just in any intimate relationship, married couples, it will be lower generally speaking, but all comers and from the World Health Organization, it's somewhere in the vicinity of 25 to 30% have had something like that in the past, in the past not even a current relationship.
14:14
So we don't want to ignore real abuse, right?
And but also recognize at the same time, the vast majority of relationships do not involve abuse.
14:29
Now, some may say it's underreported and that is true, but we're we're, we're trying to find some common ground here folks.
And just realize that most relationships are not going to have this in them.
14:44
So if you're an abusive relationship, this does not apply to you, but applies to a lot of people and a lot of relationships.
If you're not being abused.
Let's look at ourselves deeply.
14:57
Speaker 2
And by doing so, that's the fastest way actually to change someone else's behavior, because we're in a system together.
And when one person changes, the other person has to make changes to make the system keep working.
15:15
Unmasking Emotional Hypocrisy and Marital Double Standards
So back to the original premise, my love, are we emotional hypocrites?
Are we hypocrites?
But we say that we we want something from our spouse that we don't even know our ourselves.
15:31
You know, there's a study I wanted to look outside of just this idea of emotional hypocrisy, OK?
There's been some studies regarding asking people if it's OK to have an open sexual relationship with other people.
15:49
Speaker 2
Well, that just took a left turn.
15:53
Speaker 1
So.
15:54
Speaker 2
Where did that come from all?
15:55
Speaker 1
Right.
So these are.
15:56
Speaker 2
And how?
How does this all come together?
16:00
Speaker 1
These are people who are in committed relationships, OK?
They asked the people in committed relationships if it's OK, generally speaking, to have open relationships with other people sexually.
Of that group of people, and most of them were younger, it's a roughly around 20 ish to 25% ish who were OK with just the general idea of having an open sexual relationship now, which still leaves you know 75 to 80 who say no.
16:32
Speaker 2
Essential non monogamy.
16:34
Speaker 1
Yeah, essential non monogamy, yes, thank you or polyamory, however you want to phrase that.
And again, these are people in current relationships and I I do need to know that 75 to 80% said no, not OK, but 20 to 25% said Yep.
16:50
But now if you ask those 20 to 25% if it's OK for their intimate partner.
16:58
Speaker 2
For their intimate partner.
16:59
Speaker 1
For their own private intimate partner to have an open relationship, that number plummeted.
Now I had to cobble together a few studies on this.
So if you look up the You Gov study, it's not going to have both of these questions, but if they're asked exclusively their partner if it's OK, it plummeted down to like single digits like it's OK for me.
17:26
Speaker 2
I don't, I don't care if other people do it, but it's not OK in my relationship.
17:30
Speaker 1
Well, and it's OK for me to do it, generally speaking.
17:33
Speaker 2
Oh, is that what they're saying?
It's OK for me, but not.
17:36
Speaker 1
OK for you to do it.
17:38
Speaker 2
That's not what I picked up.
I picked up that they're saying it's OK for other people to do it, but I don't want it in my own relationship.
17:46
Speaker 1
All right, so the point here, this is using a a very stark example, but it drills down to the humanness of us, our human nature.
None of us are going to get away from this folks, being a human, this natural tendency of call it what you want, a double standard, hypocrisy, A moral difference.
18:12
It's it's OK for me but not for you and this intimate relationship.
And we do the same thing emotionally with each other.
It's OK for me to be lazy or to not talk to you and to be silent and not find times to connect on my terms.
18:27
But it's not OK when you try to do it and back and forth it goes or till the end of time.
18:32
Speaker 2
Again, we just get in this system and it takes very intentional work and the only person we can control is ourselves.
So that's the best place to start.
18:43
Cultivating Curiosity: A Key to Deeper Marital Communication
What is my part in this So?
18:46
Speaker 1
Some major themes that we've taught here on this podcast in the past.
Curiosity, just being fundamentally curious, like deeply.
The word curious means I want to know, help me understand, I really want to know.
I'm not faking it.
19:01
I'm not making excuses.
I'm not doing something because you told me to.
I really really, really want to know what's going on.
19:11
Speaker 2
That's meaningful.
19:12
Speaker 1
That is, that is a starting point.
19:14
Speaker 2
It's so much more meaningful than making assumptions.
In a conversation with one of my daughter's recently, she said something that was very hurtful to me, and I kind of shut down for the whole rest of our dinner together.
19:33
I got on the road, went on my way feeling really distressed.
And then I thought, wait a second, this isn't very emotionally intelligent.
So I called her back up and I said, when you said this, I'm just curious, what did you mean by that?
19:52
I just want to understand.
And she told me, and I said, OK, because this is the way that I interpreted what you said.
And it was really hurtful to me.
And she had the opportunity then to explain in her own way what it was that she meant.
20:10
And then she said, you know, sometimes I say things without really thinking what filter somebody else is going to receive it in.
And I'm really sorry.
I would never want to hurt you.
And I really, really appreciate you calling me back rather than just being ticked.
20:26
Speaker 1
Off at Yeah, she shows insight too yeah, like she evaluated sometimes I do this yeah, thanks for bringing that up boom boom boom and.
20:36
Speaker 2
She also expressed some non verbal communication that she's noticed in herself communicates differently than what she's trying to.
And she's like, I'm really going to try to work on that, which was really cool.
20:52
Speaker 1
I love it.
20:52
Navigating Marital Dynamics: The 'Oil and Water' of Gender Differences
I love it, love it, love it, you know, And it's funny because I'm a man.
You're a woman right there.
We're starting with oil and water.
I mean, that alone, it's almost like, how do we survive?
21:07
How does anyone survive?
Oil and water together?
But guess what?
That oil and water, they're both so necessary for a scintillating relationship.
That's very scintillating on my salad.
I'll just have you say so for men, I want to invite you because I'm a man from my perspective.
21:27
I'm going to share a man's perspective on women.
And you know, we talked a little bit about this in some other episodes, including the real Men are Sloths, I believe episodes 75 and 76.
Where women do they live in this paradoxical world?
21:45
Speaker 2
I think we both live in paradoxical worlds.
21:47
Speaker 1
Well, you're right.
21:49
Speaker 2
But go ahead and tell me what paradoxes you think we live with.
21:53
Speaker 1
Well, back in that episode we talked about how it's specifically more from a sexual standpoint where you don't think about sex.
You don't, it's not on your mind until you're actually doing sex.
And then all of a sudden the sexual desire boom starts hitting you for.
22:10
Speaker 2
A lot of women for a lot of.
22:12
Speaker 1
Women sex is pleasurable but it now it's also painful at the same time and it can be confusing.
Mixed messages specifically speaking about sex.
You could also men wonder why your wife can't seem to ever make up her mind on what to wear, what to cook, where to eat, etcetera, etcetera.
22:31
Speaker 2
That's pretty generally speaking, your that's your experience.
22:39
Speaker 1
Well, I think not every.
22:42
Speaker 2
Woman's experience.
Some women are very direct in knowing what they want to do.
22:47
Speaker 1
You're right, but I think it's experience for a lot of men.
And now with all that, how do you think that looks regarding her expectations of you and marriage?
If it seems to you that she can't even make up her mind on things that she wants to wear or cook or buy or fill in the blank, that makes it really hard on a guy.
23:10
I am.
23:11
Speaker 2
So sorry that I've made your life so.
23:14
Speaker 1
Wrong.
No, I don't look, I I'm not making accusation here, my love, I'm saying.
23:19
Speaker 2
You said it's really hard on a guy.
23:21
Speaker 1
I'm saying that this is something that men deal with well, it might be conscious, it might be subconscious.
It's something we deal with.
23:32
Speaker 2
OK, I will remind you that buying our first baby stroller took you 2 weeks.
23:41
Speaker 1
That is absolutely.
23:42
Speaker 2
Correct.
You make that decision.
23:44
Speaker 1
Yep, my brother asked me if I ever like did anything.
I just studied all the time on what to buy.
23:53
Speaker 2
No, that's just that's just kind of playing with you.
But when there are a lot of options and we put high value on whatever the decision is.
24:04
Speaker 1
Well, you value context and perspective, which is a fantastic trait to have.
24:09
Speaker 2
Right and knowledge.
24:12
Speaker 1
So I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying it's confusing to us.
So men, let's talk about expectations.
Your wife wants you to be strong and confident, yet she also wants you to be vulnerable and real.
24:27
She wants you to be a leader, but she also wants to have equal power with you.
What gives?
She wants you to shower her with love and affection, but she also wants to feel independent and strong.
24:42
Speaker 2
Yes.
24:44
Speaker 1
That feels, that feels paradoxical, OK, not just to me, to a lot of men.
And it's not wrong at all.
24:52
Speaker 2
It feels good to me.
24:54
Speaker 1
It's not wrong, it's just what it is.
It's the oil, it's the water.
Nobody's blaming anyone else for anything.
It's just what it is and it's different.
Men.
It depends on the timing.
25:09
You know your wife doesn't want you to be vulnerable with her when she is facing a really deep emotional problem.
She wants you to be a rock for her during that time.
Now, other times when she feels very safe, she wants you to then be vulnerable.
25:31
It's up to you to know how to do it.
This is our perception of women, of our wives.
It's not saying, again, there's no casting judgement.
So from women's perspective, Heidi, I've shared a lot about men and our perspective on women.
25:51
Speaker 2
It just seems to me from my perspective that most men have a less complex way of thinking, right?
It's more goal oriented.
It's less contextual.
They aren't thinking about how I might be feeling or about all of the things that happened in the day that led up to me taking the stance or the perspective or the frame of mind that I am.
26:19
They're just point A to point B and let's get there and let's get it done.
So.
26:23
Speaker 1
Simpler.
26:25
Speaker 2
Much more simple.
26:26
Speaker 1
Emotionally simple.
26:27
Speaker 2
I think women have definitely more complex, nuanced, contextual ways of thinking and experiencing emotion.
26:38
Speaker 1
OK, I could go with that.
26:40
Speaker 2
One's not bad or good.
26:43
Speaker 1
That's right.
26:44
Speaker 2
Well, actually the women's is a little more advanced, I will say.
26:48
Speaker 1
OK, that's your experience.
All right, So getting back to men and women, oil and water, gender differences.
26:57
Speaker 2
I was just kidding on that last point, by the way.
26:59
Speaker 1
These are kind of inborn.
There's a lot of things that are probably not fundamentally changeable, but I think just starting that understanding and knowing ourselves, it's getting back to that identity, sitting with ourselves, trying to find out who am I?
27:17
Speaker 2
I think we really do want our spouses to be the best person they can be.
That's true, right?
27:24
Speaker 1
I think so.
27:25
Speaker 2
But just turning that mirror around a little bit and thinking, am I wanting me to be the best person I can be?
And being honest with ourselves about where we have room for growth is important.
27:38
Speaker 1
You know, I love this show.
I don't think it's active anymore.
I've seen a few episodes.
It's called Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and we had some laughs.
It's it's pretty old now, but that's good.
It's it's taken your hubby and.
27:53
Speaker 2
Your rugged cowboy.
27:55
Speaker 1
Yeah, you know the stereotype.
And softening him up, right?
Dressing him nicely, you know, Some etiquette maybe.
28:06
Speaker 2
Some class.
28:07
Speaker 1
That that gay guys tend to, again, not stereotyping, but tend to lean a little bit more into.
28:14
Speaker 2
Yeah, artistic, cultural and.
28:17
Speaker 1
Thoughtful So wouldn't we all like to change our spouse into ways that are different and new and what we want?
It starts with really that point of, well, as we said, curiosity and communication, right?
28:37
Learning how to communicate that oil with water.
Men may seem like they aren't listening to you, but maybe they don't know how.
They've never been taught.
28:48
Speaker 2
That's true.
And you know, that does make me think too, of one of the guests that we had a while back who spoke about how we train men from the time they're little boys to not be as emotional.
29:04
By telling them don't cry like a Sissy, we're reinforcing the fact that they shouldn't show emotion.
And so that is something to take into consideration.
29:14
Speaker 1
I agree with that, however there are some genetic inborn traits of men generally that's reduce emotionality compared to women.
29:24
Speaker 2
OK, Yep, I would go with.
29:26
Speaker 1
Our world is concrete, it's solution based.
Your world is more contextual.
29:33
Speaker 2
It's like a flower.
29:34
Speaker 1
It's more relationship based.
29:36
Speaker 2
Yours is like a pencil.
29:38
Leaning into Discomfort and Michael Jackson's 'Man in the Mirror'
So whose fault is it?
29:40
Speaker 2
We need both pencils on flowers.
29:42
Speaker 1
Yes, it depends completely on the perspective that we choose to take.
But wait, Doctor Hastings, you're wrong.
You're wrong.
29:54
Speaker 2
It's Doctor Hastings.
29:55
Speaker 1
Both, OK, either one, depending on which one that they disagree with.
So let me ask you a question.
If you disagree with me or with Heidi, are you going to now say I'm going to stop listening to them because they don't tell me what I want to hear?
30:12
Speaker 2
We would love you instead to put it in the comments and let's have a discussion.
30:16
Speaker 1
Comment, let me know.
Let us know.
Seriously, do you turn off people that disagree with you?
Why?
Why don't you listen to them?
Because.
30:25
Speaker 2
It's hard to sit in discomfort.
30:27
Speaker 1
Yeah, listen to people you don't agree with because you know, you might be the one that's wrong.
It may, it may, it may be.
30:38
Speaker 2
Or it might be.
Or it might be both of us.
30:40
Speaker 1
So the question is, it's a good one.
Am I wrong or help me understand because I might be wrong and what's wrong with being wrong?
30:50
Speaker 2
Or I would even propose instead of being wrong, we may just have incomplete understanding.
30:58
Speaker 1
OK.
I like that.
That's a good that's less hard.
31:00
Speaker 2
Less Gray, less black and white with a little more Gray.
I understand some of the context, but I don't understand all of the context.
And this is we're learning to ask to understand really can come in helpful.
31:14
Speaker 1
And to start coming together to talk to each other from a point of view that is individual.
We understand our gender differences, we understand our cultural differences, maybe religious differences, our educational differences, and really coming to that point where we can understand and see it from each of those lenses that you have.
31:38
Speaker 2
We can see the humanity in each other.
31:41
Speaker 1
I love that.
31:42
Speaker 2
See the imperfections in each other and still love each other and be OK with it just to see that we're each different from each other.
That was a lot of using the words other.
31:53
Speaker 1
Are we committing emotional hypocrisy, folks, with our spouses?
I'm reminded of this popular song in the 1980s by Michael Jackson.
32:03
Speaker 2
Oh yeah.
32:04
Speaker 1
Man in the mirror.
32:06
Speaker 2
OK.
32:07
Speaker 1
I'm starting with the man in the mirror.
I'm asking him to change his ways, and no message could have been any clearer.
If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make the change.
32:23
Speaker 2
Can you do that again and dance like Michael Jackson?
Guys, he dances like Michael Jackson.
32:29
Speaker 1
No, I don't.
I dance to one song that Michael Jackson sing.
I'm not going to tell you what that is.
You can e-mail us and ask us.
32:38
Balancing Expectations, Actionable Steps, and Marriage IQ's Cornerstones
Maybe what we could do is for those who are willing to take time to e-mail us or comment that they want to see Scott do a little Michael Jackson dancing, we can send them their own.
32:52
Speaker 1
Video Your own video of me dancing.
32:54
Speaker 2
Through the moonwalk.
32:57
Speaker 1
All right, wives want their husbands.
Do you want me, honey, to be tough but tender?
33:02
Speaker 2
Yes.
33:03
Speaker 1
Strong but gentle?
Yes.
Adventurous but stable.
33:07
Speaker 2
Yes.
33:08
Speaker 1
Industrious but fun, yes.
33:12
Speaker 2
I would say also intentional but creative, OK and flexible.
33:20
Speaker 1
Husbands, we want our wives who are supportive but independent and they have their own opinions.
Passionate but stable emotionally.
33:36
Speaker 2
Is that possible?
33:40
Speaker 1
Flirty but focused.
33:43
Speaker 2
Are those related?
33:45
Speaker 1
Yes, caring, but not losing herself.
33:49
Speaker 2
OK, that's a good one.
33:52
Speaker 1
Sexy, but not well, let's be honest, we want sexy.
There is no other.
34:02
Speaker 2
No button.
34:02
Speaker 1
We want us.
We want our wives to be sexy.
Period.
We're all doing what we think our spouse wants us to do.
But is it something A they actually want us to do?
Why don't we ask and B can you?
34:18
Speaker 2
Say that a little louder because that one was a little bit quiet.
34:23
Speaker 1
And is it something they actually want us to do or are we just assuming, let's ask.
And B, is this something we actually want to not only do, but we also want to become that we don't not only do it, but we want to become it.
34:39
So wrapping it all up here, folks, on emotional hypocrisy today.
What are some things that triggered you?
What are some things you agree with?
What are some things you don't agree with that we talked?
34:51
Speaker 2
About today and if you agree with everything.
34:55
Speaker 1
Great, wonderful.
What is one thing you can change this week as an individual in your relationship?
One thing that you can sit with yourself and think, OK, how am I being emotionally hypocritical in this relationship?
35:11
And then come together your weekly couples counsel.
We talked about this a lot.
Once a week talk about this.
What is one thing we can do as a couple to recognize emotional hypocrisy?
Not in your spouse, but in.
35:26
Speaker 2
Yourself.
So thank you for those of you who've taken a moment to express some of your questions or even some of your complaints about your spouse.
35:36
Speaker 1
That really hits on our four cornerstones today, honey.
35:39
Speaker 2
OK, for those who might be new to our show, why don't you just.
35:44
Speaker 1
Share identity as our first one.
Knowing who we are.
Intentionality, making plans, being intentional, setting dates, showing up, insight, taking what's happened and re analyzing, re evaluating, asking ourselves what happened.
36:06
Speaker 2
Making adjustments.
36:07
Speaker 1
Where am I wrong and how can I understand better and then intimacy?
36:13
Speaker 2
I think intimacy kind of naturally flows from those 3.
36:16
Speaker 1
Yeah.
And that's really being honest, deeply honest with each other, yeah.
36:23
Speaker 2
Having integrity.
36:24
Speaker 1
All right folks, that's it for today.
We hope you enjoyed this discussion and reach out to us.hello@marriageiq.com.
36:34
Speaker 2
We hope you all have a wonderful week and we'll see you on the next episode of Marriage IQ.
