Episode 126: 3 Tiny Fixes For a More Connected Marriage
4 Science-Backed Ways to Build a Happier, More Connected Marriage
4 Simple Yet Powerful Ways to Build a Happier, More Connected Marriage
Marriage can feel complicated, but sometimes the smallest, simplest actions create the biggest impact. In Part 2 of our series on happiness in marriage, we’re diving into practical strategies backed by research and neuroscience that can strengthen your connection with your spouse—often in less than a minute a day.
Dr. Arthur Brooks, a happiness expert, suggests that emotional and spiritual closeness is one of the most powerful ways to maintain a healthy marriage. In fact, research shows that when couples share deep connection—through prayer, meditation, or even silent moments together—their brains begin to synchronize. This isn’t just science talk; it means you and your spouse start to process emotions and read each other’s moods more intuitively. You operate on the same wavelength, and communication becomes almost effortless.
1. Pray or Meditate Together
Spiritual intimacy is more than just a ritual; it’s a tool for emotional regulation and connection. Whether through prayer, reading meaningful passages, or meditating side by side, these shared moments create safety and alignment in your relationship.
Couples who engage in daily prayer or shared spiritual practices tend to be more forgiving, trust each other more, and even report lower rates of infidelity. Beyond the statistics, these practices help you step back from anger, soften negative emotions, and reconnect after conflict.
Don’t overcomplicate it. Even one minute of gratitude, holding hands while saying a short prayer, or reading a single paragraph together can strengthen your bond. If traditional prayer feels uncomfortable, try sitting in quiet reflection or meditating together. Small, consistent efforts matter more than the duration.
2. Make Eye Contact
Eye contact isn’t just polite—it’s powerful. Studies suggest that even a couple of minutes of sustained eye gazing can increase feelings of passion, love, and closeness. When you look into your spouse’s eyes, oxytocin, the “connection hormone,” is released, promoting empathy, emotional attunement, and overall intimacy.
For many of us, daily life and distractions make eye contact a rare occurrence. Yet, something as simple as maintaining eye contact during conversations, especially when your spouse is sharing feelings, can dramatically improve emotional connection. Research even shows that women, in particular, feel more connected when husbands maintain eye contact, reinforcing the idea that attentive gaze is a form of love and respect.
You don’t need to stare uncomfortably—just be present. Try five minutes of intentional eye contact daily, and notice how your relationship feels more in sync.
3. Prioritize Touch
Physical touch is a language of its own. From holding hands to hugging or simply wrapping an arm around your partner, touch activates sensory neurons that directly influence emotional well-being.
Touch releases oxytocin, reduces stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine, and promotes feelings of safety and calm. It’s more than romance; it’s biological connection. Research suggests that women, in particular, respond more to light, skin-to-skin contact due to extra sensory areas in their brain, which makes simple gestures like holding hands, cuddling, or gentle massages especially impactful.
Even small daily touches—a squeeze of the hand while walking, a hug before leaving for work, or a brief cuddle at bedtime—create neurobiological benefits that improve emotional attunement and happiness.
4. Make Fun and Novelty a Habit
While prayer, eye contact, and touch address the emotional and biological side of connection, having fun together keeps your relationship vibrant. Shared laughter, playful experiences, and new activities foster joy and strengthen bonds.
This doesn’t require elaborate plans; simple rituals like Friday movie nights, exploring a new walking route, or spontaneous adventures can rekindle excitement. Novel experiences spark oxytocin and help couples feel more alive and engaged with one another.
Putting It All Together
Happier marriages aren’t built on grand gestures or expensive vacations—they’re built on consistent, meaningful connection. Praying together, making eye contact, prioritizing touch, and sharing moments of fun may seem simple, but science shows they’re profoundly effective.
Even if you’ve been married for decades, it’s never too late to start these habits. Begin small: try five minutes of eye contact, a short prayer, or a brief cuddle each day this week. Notice how your spouse responds, how your conversations change, and how your bond strengthens.
Ultimately, a scintillating marriage requires vigilance, adventure, and intentionality. Focus on your own contributions—show up, connect, and be present. Change begins with you, and small consistent steps can transform your relationship from routine to radiant.
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0:00
Unlocking Marital Happiness: Brain Sync and Three Simple Fixes
Research in neuroscience suggests that when couples share deep emotional and spiritual connection, their brains actually begin to synchronize.
0:09
Speaker 2
And he says it's more effective than therapy.
Now, we're not telling you not to go get therapy, but that's a pretty bold statement from a Harvard professor.
0:17
Speaker 1
Can you fall out of love with your spouse if you're daily gazing into their eyes slow, gentle touch activate special sensory neurons.
They go directly to a part of the brain that controls emotional well-being.
0:34
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
0:40
Speaker 2
I'm Heidi Hastings.
0:41
Speaker 1
And I'm Scott Hastings.
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Speaker 2
We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose, to change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.
1:05
Hello everybody, and Doctor Heidi and Doctor Scott Hastings here from Marriage IQ.
1:10
Speaker 1
Hello.
1:11
Speaker 2
So this is Part 2 in a two-part series on happiness in marriage.
And so today we're going to talk about the most powerful things that we can do to improve our marriages that take less than 60 seconds.
1:28
Speaker 1
Say what?
1:29
Speaker 2
And you're probably not doing them nearly enough now.
It's not therapy, it's just really simple things.
Praying together, eye contact and touch.
So in our last episode, we started breaking down ideas inspired by Doctor Arthur Brooks, the happiness expert.
1:47
In his work on building a happier and stronger life and happier and stronger relationships, we focused on having more fun together.
So if you haven't seen that episode yet, we've got a link below.
Go ahead and go back to that and watch that first and catch up with us.
2:05
So today we're diving into the next ways to build a happier, more connected marriage.
They're not optional, but are, to Scott's Glee, perhaps biological.
2:16
Speaker 1
Yes.
2:17
Speaker 2
Anything medical, anything biological kind of gets him excited.
These are simple but powerful.
And if you've been feeling disconnected, or if you've been feeling way too busy, or even just a little bit off with each other, this might be exactly the place to start.
2:32
How Daily Prayer and Meditation Deepen Marital Connection
All right, my dear, we're picking up where we left off #2 Arthur Brooks really double S down on this, Heidi.
We're talking about increasing spiritual intimacy by praying together every day as a key element to happiness.
2:47
He also offered some other suggestions, including reading to each other or meditating with each other.
2:51
Speaker 2
Yeah, some people aren't comfortable with prayers, so I love that he included those two.
2:55
Speaker 1
We had a slumber party a few weeks ago down in the in the TV room and Heidi said let's read some poetry together.
She whipped out this book The Prophets by Khalil Gibran.
3:06
Speaker 2
It was one of my dad and mom's favorites.
3:08
Speaker 1
Yeah, And started reading, and then I started reading some during this slumber party, you know, some other things that we've done.
This is a routine we've done for a long time.
But we love Boston.
We love going to Concord, sitting by the Concord River in complete silence, this meditating for an hour at a time.
3:25
These are just some examples of radical departures of what we used to do.
And that's for you, too.
What are some radical departures to help keep things alive?
Research and neuroscience suggests that when couples share deep emotional and spiritual connection that comes from things like praying together or meditating or sharing in these quiet moments together, their brains actually begin to synchronize.
3:51
And in those moments of closeness, they become more aligned in how they process their emotions and how they read each other's moods.
More intuitive.
When couples feel safe and deeply connected, they also begin to communicate in a more intuitive, non verbal way, almost like they can feel each other.
4:12
The right brain to right brain connection.
4:15
Speaker 2
Yeah, I know Doctor Brooks talks a lot about the neuroscience, about how her connects the right side of the brain, and that does create connection with each other.
4:27
Speaker 1
But yeah, this area of the brain that involves empathy, that emotional attune and understanding of that other person.
So it's what's going on underneath the surface.
In simpler terms, when you feel deeply connected, you're not just on the same page, you're starting to operate on the same wavelength.
4:45
That's.
4:45
Speaker 2
Kind of cool.
4:46
Speaker 1
It is.
4:47
Speaker 2
So we do pray together and we highly recommend it.
So I want to touch for a moment on some of the studies that indicate the power that prayer can have on a marriage.
So couples who pray, especially for each other, research shows, are often more forgiving.
5:05
They have deeper trust for each other and a stronger sense of unity together.
There's quite a bit of research on this, and it's also linked, Scott to lower levels of infidelity, which isn't super surprising, but also higher relationship satisfaction and commitment.
5:22
But it actually even goes deeper than that to research shows her seems to shift how we see our spouse.
It can increase awareness of how my actions affect you.
It can soften negative emotions when we're holding hands together at night and coming before our Maker.
5:41
And it helps us step back from anger and frustration.
In that way, it becomes, I think, almost a form of emotional regulation.
That prayer interrupt some of those negative feelings when we participate in this ritual.
So it's a way to calm down and reset and reconnect with each other if things have escalated a little bit.
6:01
For many couples, Per also supports healthier conflict resolution and communication and intimacy.
6:08
Speaker 1
So perhaps right now you're telling yourself all the reasons why you can't pray or meditate with your spouse.
And I'm guessing some of those might be.
It feels awkward.
6:18
Speaker 2
I have heard that a lot.
6:20
Speaker 1
I'm willing but my spouse isn't spiritual or praying together.
Just feels too vulnerable.
6:26
Speaker 2
You like that word vulnerable, don't you?
6:27
Speaker 1
I do.
We are asking you just to start simple to keep it doable.
6:34
Speaker 2
Yeah, don't make a big huge thing out of it, but just maybe try a one minute gratitude exchange if you're not comfortable with prayer or hold hands and they just a very short prayer that's a few seconds Or read a single paragraph or a page of something meaningful out loud to each other.
6:55
Speaker 1
Yeah, or just sitting together in silence, like we like to do it the side of the Concord River.
7:01
Speaker 2
Yeah, but people don't have to do it for an hour.
Even if they do it for a few minutes, it has some positive impact leading to happiness.
7:10
Deepening Intimacy with Eye Gaze and the 5-Minute Challenge
So we're on #3.
7:11
Speaker 2
#3 of Arthur Brooks best marriage advice.
7:16
Speaker 1
Yes, we can do that right now, right?
Especially when we're talking to each other.
I'm going to go a little personal here.
There's a very strikingly high chance that I have Asperger's.
7:31
Speaker 2
If you don't know what that is, that's high functioning autism I've.
7:34
Speaker 1
Never been diagnosed with it but everything I read on it and it just all clicks and so it's a little bit hard for me to make eye contact.
It's strange.
We've been married almost 30 years and I realized recently how important it is by just, it's making regular eye contact with you when I'm speaking to, especially when I'm listening to how much you walk away from that conversation feeling understood and heard and how close or more connected you feel with me.
8:05
And I'm thinking why?
I mean, we knew about eye contact before.
We've taught about mindful gaze and things like that, but not on just regular day-to-day conversations.
8:16
Speaker 2
Yeah, I've noticed.
Especially when you're feeling stressed and we're talking.
Maybe we're at dinner or something, You're looking everywhere around and not looking at me in the eye.
Yes.
8:28
Speaker 1
And I just realized recently that she wasn't getting much out of this conversation.
We were doing the mechanics of it.
We were talking it through.
8:37
Speaker 2
I felt like you weren't with me.
8:39
Speaker 1
We were talking, but I wasn't looking directly in your eyes and it's really hard for me to do.
And I started doing it because I've just started thinking, how am I not connecting with my wife?
I had to sit with myself.
8:55
And that was one thing I came up with is that I need to, despite my very neurodivergent ways on date night and other conversations that needs to take a priority.
Mr.
9:08
Speaker 2
Brooks just really pounds this one, and he says that it's even more important for husbands to look at their wives while their wives are talking, because women are more sensitive to feeling disconnection if their husband is not looking at them.
9:25
Speaker 1
Yes, there is a biological basis for this that we've discussed in other episodes.
This is another way that I have radically departed from what I used to do.
A scintillating marriage requires us to be vigilant and adventurous and novel.
9:43
We have to look for new ground, to break new ideas, fresh new things.
And for me it was breaking a 30 year habit of not looking at you when I talk to you.
9:54
Speaker 2
It also reminds me of the episode we did on flubbing when a lot of people will be looking at their phones even though they're talking to their spouse.
10:03
Speaker 1
Yes, and that's during the.
10:05
Speaker 2
Same message.
That's episode 99 talking.
10:08
Speaker 1
Truth about couples and phones.
10:10
Speaker 2
Couples and phones, and we'll link that below as well.
10:13
Speaker 1
Yeah, so funny.
Eye gaze.
Did you know that when you engage in eye gaze, you release oxytocin from your brain?
10:22
Speaker 2
That sounds familiar.
I think we talked about that in.
10:24
Speaker 1
Episode 7 Why Men Want sex and Women Need Love.
Guess what folks?
It's oxytocin.
10:30
Speaker 2
Which that's an audio only episode.
So if you go back and listen to that on YouTube and you don't find any video, that's why that was before we were doing video.
10:41
Speaker 1
So yeah, we did a deep dive on oxytocin on that episode.
The very strange hormone indeed.
I think in that episode we posed the idea that oxytocin may be the fix to all of society's problems.
10:53
Speaker 2
Because we'll feel more connected to each other.
10:56
Speaker 1
Just inject all the men, line them up, inject all the men with oxytocin or at least add it to the water along with the fluoride and poof.
Everything is fixed in society.
11:08
Speaker 2
So for all of those people who haven't listened to that episode and don't know about oxytocin, do you want to give them a little primer here?
11:15
Speaker 1
It's a connection hormone.
Women have about four to five times more oxytocin just generally circulating through their system than men do at delivering a baby.
Women will produce a lot more oxytocin.
11:29
Speaker 2
And in breastfeeding.
11:30
Speaker 1
And that makes a lot of sense because it helps that bonding between mother and child, but also it's least during orgasm.
And that makes sense too, because now it connects the man and wife together in that lovely period called afterglow, where you come together and you snuggle and everything is just really good for about 5 to 10 minutes is the half life of oxytocin.
11:57
So we've established this eye contact really helps that oxytocin get going.
It really helps us get on that same wavelength when we are playing together, when we're praying together, meditating together.
We are on the same wavelength.
12:13
Speaker 2
Is oxytocin produced through playing together and?
12:17
Speaker 1
Probably, I can't say that for sure because I haven't looked it up, but I do know like after sex with an orgasm, delivering babies eye gaze and as you'll find later, a touch too.
But there's a study, very old, there's not a lot of studies on this folks, but there's one in 1989.
12:35
It was done on some college students.
They took a bunch of college students opposite sex, they put them together again guy girl and they did some eye gazing exercises that lasted for two minutes and found that these people who really even know each other.
12:50
After 2 minutes of gazing into each other's eyes, they increased passion, love and liking of their part that.
12:58
Speaker 2
Sounds pretty dangerous, I gazing, drinking.
Let's see, eye gazing might be a little safer, but that is interesting.
Very interesting.
So why do we stop looking in each other's eyes as much?
13:12
Speaker 1
We just don't think about it, my love.
You know, in her book, there's a book called Slow Sex by Diana Richardson.
And this is also taught by Shalom Levitt, who we interviewed on this on this podcast previously.
It talk about and teach about this mindful gaze, where you're taking this eye gaze to a whole nother level.
13:31
You're deeply gazing into each other's eyes.
And this is more of a intro or foreplay, if you will, into a deeper, more mindful sexual experience.
Eye contact, again, as we said, it does release that oxytocin that gets released from the pituitary gland, Little spurts when you have these episodes, including mindful sex.
13:53
So let me ask, can you fall out of love with your spouse if you're daily gazing into their eyes?
Is it still possible to not love you?
Can someone please try this and get back to us?
If you're on the brink of divorce or you're having a lot of problems, just do this experiment and e-mail us for 5 minutes every day.
14:13
Gaze into each other's eyes.
You cannot look away.
Do that for 30 days and then report back to us at hello@marriageiq.com.
14:21
Speaker 2
So that's like you doing your own research here.
14:24
Speaker 1
That's right on our audience.
You don't even have to say anything.
Just look into each other eyes for 5 minutes every day for 30 days.
14:33
Speaker 2
What's your hypothesis?
14:34
Speaker 1
My hypothesis is that they are going to be much less likely to divorce.
14:40
Speaker 2
You think they're right side of their brains will be more synced up?
14:44
Speaker 1
It's very possible.
Look, even if you do nothing else, you don't change anything else about your relationship.
Just do this one thing.
We'll see how it goes.
14:51
The Importance of Physical Touch for Marital Connection
Yeah, all right, so #4 always be touching.
14:54
Speaker 2
He calls that ABT it's.
14:55
Speaker 1
Fun ABT always be touched so I want to go back to our first kiss.
15:01
Speaker 2
Like that?
15:02
Speaker 1
Quite scandalous, quite frankly, the.
15:05
Speaker 2
Story that you've created out of it is quite scandalous.
15:08
Speaker 1
Yes, we went on our first date and it was quite scandalous, but I do remember that that first touch, like of the lips it sent you into.
15:20
Speaker 2
Fireworks.
15:21
Speaker 1
In fact, I said what's wrong?
Because you were just like, I thought you're going to pass out.
And I said, are you OK?
15:27
Speaker 2
Maybe I hadn't kissed anybody in a while.
15:30
Speaker 1
I said are you OK?
And your words were I am very OK.
And yes, you described it as fireworks.
15:36
Speaker 2
I think before the first kiss.
What got it started, though, was we just.
15:43
Speaker 1
We had hand touch, yes.
15:45
Speaker 2
We just touched hands like this.
Oh, look how big your hands are in comparison to mine.
And it was very electric.
I think it started with just very simple touch.
15:55
Speaker 1
Yeah.
And then escalated quite quickly.
But that's quite an exciting moment, right, to have that kind of a touch.
16:01
Speaker 2
When we talk every night on our walk about things that we need, we do our Phanos exercise, which we have an episode on that three communication tools.
We each take turns saying what we need.
I think probably 80% of the time you say I need to be touched more.
16:18
Speaker 1
A lot of the time I do, yeah.
And I like to have fun and laugh.
That's a big chunk too.
16:23
Speaker 2
So I think we both really thrive on oxytocin that's provided by touch, by physical.
16:29
Speaker 1
Touch I have learned that you love to have your feet rubbed.
16:34
Speaker 2
Yes, I've noticed whenever I'm in a very stressful situation lately, you say can I rub your feet?
So have you noticed that makes a difference?
Yeah.
16:44
Speaker 1
Of course, when I have no idea what to say and the risk of saying anything is greater than the risk of not saying anything, which is also a risk because I just grab your feet and start rubbing hard.
That's the only thing I know that I know you love At any time.
17:01
How Physical Touch Regulates Emotions and Builds Safety
As we said before, touching does also release that oxytocin like eye gaze.
But did you know touch also activates deeper, more primitive neurobiological pathways?
17:13
Speaker 2
Tell me more.
17:14
Speaker 1
That eye gaze alone does not fully engage, so eye gaze creates attention and emotional attunement.
OK Touch brings in physiologic regulation and the feeling of safety.
17:30
Speaker 2
Oh yes.
17:31
Speaker 1
So think about it.
Slow, gentle touch.
What does it do?
It activates special sensory neurons.
They go directly to a part of the brain that controls emotional well-being.
Wow.
17:45
Speaker 2
Double whammy with touch.
17:47
Speaker 1
You're right, oxytocin is released more robustly, though more of us release than I gaze.
17:53
Speaker 2
Along with touch, yes.
So if we're gazing in each other's eyes and we're touching each other, yeah, that's the best possible scenario.
18:02
Speaker 1
Yeah, you better get out of the way, OK?
Touch also effects our sympathetic nervous system.
It decreases cortisol and epinephrine.
Those are the hormones that create especially epinephrine that creates the fast heart rate, the tremor, the nervousness, the stress.
18:20
Speaker 2
Anxiety.
18:21
Speaker 1
And that it, yes, plays into anxiety.
And by that touch, it activates parts of the brain that help, that lower, that lower that epinephrine, that cortisol level.
18:32
Speaker 2
So we should be touching each other a lot more.
18:34
Speaker 1
We should be, yes, all of us, everyone of us.
18:37
Speaker 2
So how do you feel?
How did you feel last night when we're riding on the Lime scooter?
We went to the Art Museum and I just put my arms around you.
There were two of us on one scooter.
We were pretty squished together.
18:50
Speaker 1
Yes, two on one.
I told you already, I mentioned that was that was my favorite part of our date night was the 10 minutes on that scooter with you just holding on to me for dear life.
19:03
Speaker 2
OK.
19:03
Speaker 1
And me weaving through traffic on our little scooter.
19:07
Speaker 2
Just trying not to look.
So if we're walking down the sidewalk and I just grab your hand or I just wrap my arm around your arm, what does that do to you It.
19:16
Speaker 1
Helps me feel masculine.
OK, my it increases.
19:20
Speaker 2
Happiness in the religion.
Yeah, it.
19:21
Speaker 1
Helps me feel I'm fulfilling my masculine role as the husband.
19:24
Speaker 2
And it probably helps me feel more safe.
19:27
Speaker 1
Yeah.
19:28
Speaker 2
Interesting.
All because of touch.
19:30
Speaker 1
We talked about back in episode 29, way back called No Girls Allowed, that women receive skin to skin contact differently than men do.
So if men receive a soft touch and women receive a soft touch, the same exact thing, women interpret that touch differently than men do.
19:49
OK.
19:49
Speaker 2
Tell me because I can't remember, that's been a long time ago.
19:52
Speaker 1
Yeah, they've done studies on this.
It creates a more a calming, soothing and really a more meaningful effect.
So yes, it is important to do it on both spouses.
But we here at marriage RQ are saying that from a neurobiological standpoint, women do tend to enjoy and appreciate light sensory skin to skin contact in general than men do because they have extra sensory areas in the skin and in the brain for that.
20:22
So there's a lot to think of here, honey.
20:24
Applying the 3 Fixes for a Happier, More Connected Marriage
We've we went through in two episodes.
We went over the four ways that Doctor Arthur Brooks feels like to create more happiness in your marriage.
20:33
Speaker 2
Very simple things.
And he says it's more effective than therapy.
Now, we're not telling you not to go get therapy, but that's a pretty bold statement from a Harvard professor.
20:44
Speaker 1
So folks, what can you do this week to pray together, to create more eye contact, to create more touch?
Can you take our challenge?
Get with your spouse and do 5 minutes a day, every day.
And if you can't do it for 30 days, at least do it for this week and write back to us.hello@marriageiq.com.
21:04
We want to hear from you.
21:06
Speaker 2
Or put it in the comments below, and we hope that you'll still focus on having more fun.
Yeah, so you're right, lobes of your brain can sync up and you can be more in tune with each other and more in touch with our late with your relationship.
21:20
Speaker 1
Yes, absolutely.
So ask yourself, do I do some of these four maybe more naturally better than others?
Like I might be better at eye gaze, which I'm not personally, but you might be.
Look at them.
Which ones do you struggle with?
Which ones do you do best with?
21:35
Get with your spouse and talk with them about which one of these four they struggle with.
Which one of these four do they do well with?
I do very well with fun because I love having fun.
21:44
Speaker 2
And in my life so far, I've struggled with that.
I'm more of a serious soul.
But this year I'm letting it loose and I am trying new things and coming up with new ideas.
Scott's almost a little uncomfortable sometimes.
He's like, I don't know what to do.
22:00
What do we do?
What do we do different?
I like Friday night movie night where we lay on the couch and watch a movie after dinner.
If just one of the two of you can come up with those fun ideas.
22:12
Speaker 1
But I'm willing to do it, and we did it.
We had a great time last night.
And the more you can do that and just have that back and forth, the more that you can feel connected and scintillating in your relationship.
22:25
Speaker 2
Yeah, so back to the person who wrote us the e-mail asking is happiness and connection even possible in marriage?
Goes back to We hope that Doctor Brooks Four really easy things that you can Do to create more happiness in your marriage will give you some ideas on how to be more connected with your spouse.
22:47
Speaker 1
Well, that's a wrap, folks.
We hope you've enjoyed it.
Please reach out to us, leave a comment, join the conversation.
Remember that the intelligence spouse knows that to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage first requires a change in themselves.
We will see next time on another exciting episode of Marriage.
23:04
Thank you.
