Episode 125: Are Happy Marriages Even Real?
Are Happy Marriages Real—or Are We Just Getting By?
“Is anyone actually happy in their marriage… or are people just coasting?”
It’s a question more people are quietly asking than we might think. From the outside, many marriages look stable—even successful. Couples manage busy schedules, raise kids, and keep life running smoothly. But underneath, there can be a different story: emotional distance, low energy, and a sense that something meaningful is missing.
If you’ve ever wondered whether truly happy, connected marriages are real—or just rare exceptions—you’re not alone.
The honest answer? Yes, deeply happy marriages do exist. But they don’t happen by accident.
Happiness Isn’t Something You Feel—It’s Something You Do
One of the most powerful mindset shifts comes from Arthur Brooks, a leading researcher on happiness. His core idea is simple but transformative:
Happiness isn’t something that happens to you—it’s something you actively create.
In marriage, this changes everything. Instead of waiting to feel connected, excited, or fulfilled, you start asking:
What am I doing to create connection?
How am I showing up for this relationship?
What small actions could bring us closer today?
Happy couples don’t just stumble into joy—they build it intentionally.
Why So Many Marriages Feel “Flat”
It’s easy to drift into a routine-focused relationship. Life gets busy. Responsibilities pile up. Conversations become logistical:
“Who’s picking up the kids?”
“Did you pay that bill?”
“What’s the plan this weekend?”
Over time, the relationship can start to feel more like a partnership for managing life than a space for connection and joy.
That doesn’t mean the marriage is broken. It just means something important is missing.
And often, that missing piece is surprisingly simple: fun.
The Power of Play in a Relationship
Fun might sound like a “nice-to-have,” but research suggests it’s essential.
Psychiatrist Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play, argues that play isn’t just for kids—it’s a biological necessity for adults, especially in relationships.
Without play, couples are more likely to:
Drift apart emotionally
Become overly serious or tense
Fall into patterns of control or resentment
But when couples play together, something shifts.
They laugh more. They relax. They reconnect.
Play creates a low-pressure space where you can simply enjoy each other again.
What Does “Having Fun” Actually Mean?
At its core, having fun in a marriage is about sharing enjoyable experiences together.
It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It can be as simple as:
Watching something funny together
Playing a game (even a competitive one!)
Trying a new hobby
Going somewhere new—even locally
Dancing, walking, or just being playful
The key is this: you’re doing it together, with no agenda other than enjoyment.
Ask yourself:
When was the last time we laughed together?
If you can’t remember, that’s a sign it’s time to bring fun back intentionally.
Fun Isn’t Optional—It’s Foundational
Many couples treat fun like a bonus:
“We’ll do something enjoyable once everything else is handled.”
But here’s the truth:
If you wait until everything else is done, it rarely happens.
Couples who thrive tend to flip that mindset. They:
Prioritize fun
Plan for it
Protect time for it
Some even go as far as creating a budget for fun and romance—because they recognize its importance in keeping the relationship alive.
It’s not about being extravagant. It’s about being intentional.
A Real-Life Wake-Up Call
Even strong couples experience disconnection.
There are seasons where life becomes so full—work, kids, responsibilities—that the relationship quietly takes a back seat.
In those moments, the solution isn’t always deep conversations or fixing problems.
Sometimes, it’s as simple as saying:
“We need to have more fun together.”
And then actually planning it.
Trying something new. Changing routines. Stepping outside the usual patterns.
Because fun has a unique way of:
Breaking tension
Rebuilding emotional connection
Bringing back energy into the relationship
How to Start Rebuilding Connection Through Fun
If your relationship feels a bit flat, here’s a simple way to begin:
1. Identify What’s Getting in the Way
Is it time? Money? Kids? Different interests?
Be honest—but don’t let these become permanent excuses.
2. Make a “Fun List”
Individually, write down:
Things you’ve always wanted to try
Activities you used to enjoy
Simple ideas that sound fun
Then come together and compare lists.
3. Choose a Few Ideas Together
Pick activities that:
Feel exciting to both of you
Fit your current lifestyle
Keep it realistic—but also a little adventurous.
4. Schedule It
If it’s not on the calendar, it probably won’t happen.
Treat fun like an important commitment—because it is.
5. Protect the Moment
During that time:
Avoid heavy conversations
Don’t bring up problems
Focus on enjoying each other
This is your space to reconnect—not to resolve issues.
The Bigger Picture
Happy marriages aren’t built on constant perfection or endless romance.
They’re built on small, consistent moments of connection.
Moments that might seem insignificant at the time:
Laughing together
Trying something new
Sharing an experience
But over time, these moments add up.
They create:
Stronger emotional bonds
Greater resilience during hard times
A relationship that feels alive—not just functional
So… Are Happy Marriages Real?
Yes.
But they’re not effortless.
They require:
Intention
Effort
Emotional awareness
And a willingness to keep showing up
Most importantly, they require couples to stop waiting for happiness—and start creating it.
One Simple Challenge
This week, do just one thing:
Plan something fun together.
It doesn’t have to be big.
It doesn’t have to be perfect.
Just intentional.
Because sometimes, the difference between a marriage that’s “just working” and one that truly feels alive…
is simply remembering how to play again.
-
0:00
Unpacking the Listener Question: Are Happy Marriages Actually Real?
Is anyone actually happy in their marriage or people just coasting?
The first thing that Doctor Brooks teaches is happiness is something you do, It's not something you feel.
0:13
Speaker 2
We felt drifting, disconnected and we had to intentionally sit down with each other and plan out how to have fun.
0:21
Speaker 1
So what does it actually mean to have fun in a marriage?
It is simplest it's to play together just using your free time in ways that feel really enjoyable.
0:32
Speaker 2
Doctor Hases, you have a budget category just for romance.
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
0:44
Speaker 1
I'm Heidi Hastings.
0:45
Speaker 2
And I'm Scott Hastings.
0:47
Speaker 1
We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose, to change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.
1:08
Speaker 2
Welcome back everyone to Marriage IQ.
We have a promise for you here for Marriage IQ.
If you promise right now to listen to every Marriage IQ episode every single week for the next year, you will become a billionaire or your money back.
1:29
Wait a minute, we don't charge anything.
Well then that's a pretty solid guarantee, isn't it?
But seriously, billionaires and emotionally intelligent people, because you're listening to marriage IQ, share very similar characteristics in their life satisfaction.
1:47
So you may not be a billionaire in your bank account, but you will become a billionaire in your marriage.
So you might be wondering, if we don't pay anything, how on earth do you manage this program?
Who pays for it?
I will tell you right now, this podcast is paid for by our children's inheritance fund.
2:09
So if you happen to see one of our children walking along the street, just come up to them and pat them on the back and say thank you so much for investing your future inheritance into this program.
2:21
Speaker 1
Yes, well, today's the first part of a two-part series that's inspired by an e-mail that we recently received from a listener.
It says subject line is anyone actually happy in marriage?
There's a.
2:32
Speaker 2
Lot of people asking this question a lot.
2:35
Speaker 1
Dear Heidi and Scott, I've been sitting with a question lately and I can't seem to shake it.
And honestly, it's starting to impact the way I see marriage.
Is anyone actually happy in their marriage or people just coasting?
The more I spend time with friends, neighbors, and other couples, especially those with kids, it seems the more I start seeing hints that they're just going through the motions.
2:58
They look great on the outside, they coordinate schedules, they show up for their kids.
But there is a kind of emotional flatness.
You can see it in their expressions when they're around each other, lack of energy, almost like they've given up on their connection and prioritized convenience somewhere along the way.
3:16
And I'll be honest, it scares me because from the outside, many of these marriages look successful, stable homes, dual incomes, no major crises.
But when you listen closely, you hear things like this is just how it is after a while.
3:32
We're good partners, just not really anything more or divorce would be way too hard on the kids.
It makes me wonder how many people are staying not because they feel deeply connected, but because they're leaving feels harder than staying.
3:48
I don't want a marriage that just works.
I want one that feels alive, energizing, intimate, and deeply meaningful, not just something you maintain like a shared business.
So I guess my real question is this our truly happy connected marriages actually common or are they the exception?
4:06
And if they are possible, what are those couples doing differently?
I'd love to hear from your perspective because you talk a lot about creating a scintillating marriage, not just surviving it.
And if what I'm seeing is the norm, I think a lot of us are quietly settling for less than we hope for, and I don't want to settle.
4:25
Sincerely a hopeful but honestly a little concerned listener.
OK.
What do you think about that?
4:32
Responding to the Listener: Happy Marriages Are Indeed Possible
I would say that there are a lot of folks, a lot of marriages who are very successful, they're very happy, they're very content, but I would probably not put that in the majority.
4:45
Speaker 1
OK, I probably agree with you.
4:47
Speaker 2
I mean, look, life is scary, right?
It's scary, especially when we choose when we're young and in our 20s or 30s or whatever.
It is in my 20s, and I guess your 20s too, to make this lifelong decision.
5:02
This is a big, huge decision.
When I asked you 30 years ago, my love, to marry me, I was utterly clueless about how this would all turn out.
5:13
Speaker 1
Yeah, I would.
5:13
Speaker 2
Agree.
You were too.
5:15
Speaker 1
We were hopeful and you, we were in love.
5:17
Speaker 2
You didn't burn once already.
5:19
Speaker 1
Yeah, that made it especially scary for me.
I kind of.
5:21
Speaker 2
Think of it.
It's like running a marathon blindfolded or trying to learn how to drive a car without with everything shifting on you like you can't.
Once you think you've learned something, it shifts.
It's changing.
A lot of us don't continuously, intentionally look at how our relationship will look 3-4 or five decades down the road.
5:42
And we all know that talk is very cheap, as evidenced by what newlyweds say to each other at the wedding.
Look, I think that is nice and it's cute and it's neat, But the wedding day versus 30 years down the road, it's a very different time.
5:57
And yeah, there's really no way to prepare for this.
6:00
Speaker 1
Although I think we could prepare better than we do.
6:03
Speaker 2
Yeah, there are ways, of course, to prepare, but I mean, life changes at such a fast rate that we just don't know right what's going to be coming down South.
To this person writing this letter, my love, I want to ask, So what outcomes do you expect from your marriage?
6:19
I want you to look all the way down the road to the end of your life.
Start there and and then move backward.
Reverse engineer your life and ask yourself is would the grass be greener and sweeter on the other side?
6:34
Speaker 1
Being divorced is hard, especially with kids.
6:37
Speaker 2
And I would like to remind you to listen to episode one O 9, The marriage everyone envied until it ended.
That's the one we talked about Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban, about astroturfing.
We talked about that in that episode extensively.
But inside, they're not checking with themselves.
6:54
They're not connecting with themselves, like on a deep intimate level.
And how can I connect with you if I don't know how to connect with myself and know who I am, My identity, That's true.
Who am I?
7:07
Speaker 1
You can't.
7:07
Speaker 2
That's what we're trying to teach, to educate.
Just bring that awareness.
7:11
Speaker 1
And also I want to point out the second question that the person asked, and that is, is that kind of marriage, a happy marriage, possible, more than just the Astroturf kind of marriage?
And to that we answer with a resounding yes.
We do think that happy connected marriages are possible, but it does take a lot of work, a lot of commitment, emotional intelligence, and seeing the best in each other rather than dwelling only on each other's weaknesses.
7:40
So today we're going to bring in the work of our very favorite happiness expert, Doctor Arthur Brooks, to share what he has found in his happiness research.
7:51
Speaker 2
Welcome, Doctor Brooks.
7:53
Speaker 1
There is no Doctor Brooks.
7:54
Speaker 2
Oh, wait a minute.
We invited him to come on our show, but I think he just was too big for us.
I don't know.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's listening to this show, though.
I'm like, secretly I think he's listening to it.
So if you're listening, Doctor Brooks, we're going to get you on this show.
8:11
What?
Even if it's the last thing I do but.
8:14
Speaker 1
Truly, his popularity has exploded in the last few months, especially last couple of years, and we've been following him for a while.
And so we're going to use some of what we've learned from his research, from his experiences just to show you that he's worth paying attention to.
Arthur Brooks studies happiness for a living.
8:30
He intertwines it with philosophy, and what makes his work so compelling is that he challenges what most people think about happiness.
Oh.
8:39
Speaker 2
Conventional wisdom I like.
8:40
Speaker 1
That as a Harvard professor and a best selling author, he uncovers patterns that shape our relationships, our purpose in life and whether we truly feel fulfilled or if we're just stuck going through the motions like a lot of the couples that this e-mail is pointing to.
8:58
Yeah, so.
8:59
Arthur Brooks' Philosophy: Happiness is an Action, Not a Feeling
Yes.
9:00
Speaker 1
The first thing that Doctor Brooks teaches is happiness is something you do.
It's not something you feel.
So many people say I don't feel happy.
I'm not happy anymore.
And he wants us to reverse that kind of thinking and totally dive into the fact that we have control, we have agency in creating our own happiness.
9:26
Speaker 2
So if I don't feel happy, what do I feel then?
Joy.
9:30
Speaker 1
It's a byproduct.
It's not just something that happens to you.
It is being intentional.
And there's three different things that he found actually fuel happiness.
And the first one is having enjoyment in life.
And this really combines pleasure with relationships.
9:47
It's hard to just be by yourself all the time and feel happy and feel pleasure, so this requires constant reflection and investing in those relationships sounds like.
9:59
Speaker 2
Mindfulness and insight to one of our four cornerstones, the second.
10:02
Speaker 1
Thing that he thinks fuels happiness is the pleasure of achieving things in life so that's really awesome but when we're struggling to achieve a lot of people bail on the struggle and he wants us to know happiness requires struggle.
10:20
I think a.
10:20
Speaker 2
Lot of people know this, right?
If you want anything out of life, you got to work for it.
You got to struggle for it.
Yeah, but then they go home at night and they don't like, they forget all that.
10:31
Speaker 1
They're just like, oh.
10:31
Speaker 2
It's too hard.
I'm out.
Wait a minute.
We all acknowledge that there's anything decent in life worth having.
There's a struggle, we believe.
10:41
Speaker 1
That having a successful marriage does also take struggle.
And that's OK.
We keep at it.
We keep staying committed.
Embrace.
10:49
Speaker 2
The struggle.
10:50
Speaker 1
Then the third thing that he says fuels happiness is having meaning in life, making meaning of the struggles of life, being self reflective and having insight into our life, but then putting things into our life that give it.
11:06
But I think.
11:07
Speaker 2
Too, we were talking about just making a bigger picture of all of this is that's happened to me there's this bigger picture that's coming that I didn't see before and it's really oh wow that's cool yeah, it takes.
11:21
Speaker 1
Standing back a little bit, but certainly having a meaningful life also includes having really deep relationships and nurturing them.
There are a lot.
11:31
Speaker 2
Of ways to create a scintillating marriage, my love.
But we here at Marriage IQ are determined to seek perspectives of other intelligent people such as Arthur Brooks.
11:41
Arthur Brooks' Top Advice: Prioritize Fun in Your Marriage
And the advice that he teaches his Harvard students in a class on happiness is to #1 have more fun rather than rehearsing your grievances.
That makes sense.
I like fun #2 pray together or read to each other every day or mindfulness meditation #3 always have a lot of eye contact.
12:05
OK #4 always be touching each other.
12:10
Speaker 1
So those are his four secrets to having a happy marriage, yes.
12:15
Speaker 2
Great, so let's dive right into #1 to have more fun.
You know, honey, this reminds me of recently.
We're struggling to connect.
I know it's hard to believe, folks.
12:27
Speaker 1
Happens.
12:28
Speaker 2
But yes, we were struggling.
We felt drifting, disconnected, and we had to intentionally sit down with each other and plan out how to have fun.
We did.
12:38
Speaker 1
Realize that was part of what was really missing.
We were so intensely invested in our careers, in the podcast, in our children we had.
12:49
Speaker 2
Drifted.
Yep, we do have a lot of fun things already, but now we had to really push out to our boundaries and start looking for new things, exciting things.
We both love jazz music, but yet we've lived in Dallas for almost 12 years and have never been to a jazz club.
13:08
But we did it and it was great.
We.
We.
13:12
Speaker 1
Got up and danced.
13:13
Speaker 2
Yeah, a little bit date night and we found a jazz club and went in there.
You know how jazz clubs are.
They're a little dark, but you got to find your way to the table.
And it's it was just a fun experience.
They were exceedingly good at being able to pick out songs from anyone in the audience and play it and just totally riff on it.
13:36
Yep.
13:36
Speaker 1
They even made-up songs about me, about you, using our names within popular jazz types of and we got.
13:45
Speaker 2
To practice some cha cha, some swing, maybe some salsa is fun.
We also one of the things that we do together, we put it as a goal this year for this year is to watch at least one funny video together a week and YouTube.
14:02
Speaker 1
Yes.
14:03
Speaker 2
YouTube, but also funny movies, funny TV shows.
These are both a radical departure from what we used to do because we.
14:10
Speaker 1
Don't watch TV very often.
So what does it actually mean to have fun in a marriage?
14:16
Dr. Stuart Brown on Why Play is Biologically Necessary
It is simplest.
It's to play together just using your free time in ways that feel really enjoyable.
And while that might sound like it's optional rather than a necessity, research shows it's actually an important part of how we grow, not just as individuals, but how as a couple, we grow together.
14:38
Playing together increases our bond with each other, it helps us resolve conflict better, and it gives us greater relationship satisfaction.
So think about it.
When was the last time you and your spouse laughed together, competed a little bit with each other, or just did something fun with no agenda?
14:57
And how did it feel?
We would love to get a string of comments going here for you to tell us what fun thing you did so we can create this Bank of ideas for our listeners.
Can you talk?
15:09
Speaker 2
About competition, my love.
We play Scrabble and she beats the tar out of me every time.
Even risk.
She just totally just.
15:18
Speaker 1
I am a little better.
15:19
Speaker 2
Annihilated off the map.
15:22
Speaker 1
Yes.
15:22
Speaker 2
I don't know, like I thought I was pretty good at risk, but we also.
15:25
Speaker 1
Went kayaking last week and I'm pretty sure that you were rowing a little harder than me, but I did.
I did take all the water to the face because we were kayaking in the open ocean.
So Scott, I don't know if you knew this, but I've been reading a book lately that is called Play, How It Shapes the Brain, opens the imagination, and Invigorates the Soul by Doctor Stuart Brown, because I've just had this intense desire since the beginning of the year to change things up in our relationship and introduce more play.
15:58
So Doctor Brown is a psychiatrist and he actually founded the National Institute for Play Nip.
And while the book is mostly focused on the value of play for children, he also has a chapter in the book on romantic relationships where he really makes a compelling case for the importance of play for adults as well, especially in romantic relationships.
16:24
And he says that it's a biological necessity for our health and for our happiness and for connection with each other.
So it's.
16:34
Speaker 2
Biologically necessary to play and have fun, that's what.
16:38
Speaker 1
His research says, and I would say that agrees with Doctor Arthur Brooks.
16:44
Speaker 2
Will you come play with me tonight?
Lots of.
16:46
Speaker 1
Different kinds of play.
He says that without play, romantic love can slowly drift apart or even shift to where we're trying to control each other, or where there's tension between us, or even where we resent each other.
17:06
Play or fun is what can help you not feel resentful of each other or help you not have this big tension between each other.
It just is an interruption in this drift, in this shift that keeps bringing us back together.
17:22
He also talks about how at its very best, romantic love feels like being completely In Sync with each other.
And this is also something that Arthur Brooks says.
He says when couples fall out of sync like they always do, it's like waves in a sea, right?
17:39
Sometimes we're In Sync just.
17:40
Speaker 2
Happens to the best and sometimes.
17:42
Speaker 1
We're not.
It can feel really distressing.
So play is such a good way to interrupt those negative parts of our relationship where we're like drifting out to see and just coming back together.
17:58
There I like.
17:58
Speaker 2
That analogy because it's fresh in my mind about being out the open sea with waves crashing in our faces especially.
18:07
Speaker 1
When the wind gets more intense after you've been out there for a while, I started.
18:11
Speaker 2
To think, hey, is this like normal?
Like when are we gonna survive this?
18:16
Speaker 1
We made it through it and yeah, we had somebody close by I think that could have helped us had we had trouble so.
18:24
Speaker 2
Folks, that's why play does matter.
A shared sense of humor, lightness, and the ability to not take everything so seriously and keep small issues from turning into big ones.
Believe me, we are not always the best at this, my love.
Yeah, but we've been trying to make a bigger effort to do things differently, to look at life intentionally differently and to.
18:47
Speaker 1
Live life to its fullest.
Play helps us live life more fully.
All right and fun.
18:51
Speaker 2
And we have found that play brings flexibility into our relationship as well.
It helps us approach hard moments with the softer heart and to recover more quickly from that conflict and make space for grace when expectations aren't always met.
19:07
Yeah, unmet.
19:08
Speaker 1
Expectations can definitely caused some distress in relationships, so if you can bring humor or play or fun into it, that really helps with that in fact.
19:20
Speaker 2
We believe, and Doctor Brown agrees, that play is what helps love stay alive, not just intact.
It's part of.
19:27
Speaker 1
Scintillation.
I also think, Scott, that play has a way of bringing out the real you.
19:34
How Play Reveals Character and Strengthens Your Relationship
I remember when we were dating, we were serving on a committee together at our university.
You started.
19:40
Speaker 2
Hitting on me well.
19:42
Speaker 1
I'll tell you why.
So I don't know if you remember this or not, but they brought in some professors of recreation management and they were teaching this committee that we were on some activities and some play types of things that taught us about the people.
20:02
On the committee, in fact, I think they said, quoting Aristotle, that you can discover more about a person in an hour of play than you can in a lifetime of conversation.
Aristotle.
20:12
Speaker 2
Said that.
20:13
Speaker 1
Nope.
It was Plato.
As we were having these activities over a weekend with all of these other students, I really watched how some of the guys would react to losing, how they would react when things didn't go their way, how they would react to other people sharing their ideas.
20:31
And apparently you made the cut because I.
20:36
Speaker 2
Made the cut.
20:37
Speaker 1
Your responses didn't cause me to go Nope, not interested.
So the same I think is true for relationships.
As we play with each other, we can find about each other things that maybe we didn't know before.
20:53
That conversation doesn't bring out.
You can also learn through play.
How do you handle losing?
Or do you collaborate?
I'll have to.
21:01
Speaker 2
Say I had to learn how to get really good at losing because when we play games, there's like a 9010 split here.
But now look at how intelligent my wife is.
Look how smart she is.
You've got a.
21:13
Speaker 1
Pretty good streak with Uno lately, yeah?
21:15
Speaker 2
Well, you know like 80% luck right?
Playing.
21:19
Speaker 1
Together, having fun together actually does help with those moments when we have conflict and stress, and some of the skills that we learn through playing help us be more collaborative when it comes to decision making.
So that's why play, leisure time, fun, whatever you want to call it, matters more than we realize and more than we think it does.
21:42
And it's not just optional, as we have learned lately, it creates kind of a low pressure space where you and I can see each other more clearly and the weight of our businesses, our bills, our kids, any hard conversations are just given a little break for a little while.
22:01
And it allows us to reconnect and understand each other and have shared memories and shared moments that we can look back on.
We have come to learn, and this is what Doctor Brooks is saying, that play fun recreation.
22:17
It's not something to just squeeze in when everything else is done, but it's part of the very vital solution to keeping your marriage alive.
22:27
Practical Steps to Plan and Prioritize Fun in Your Marriage
Agreed, Scott.
22:29
Speaker 1
I think we had a ton of fun last week and that wasn't really something that we can do every week.
But you want to share anything about that?
Most.
22:38
Speaker 2
Longtime listeners know I love to travel and I plan it.
I arrange everything I pay for everything we pay.
22:46
Speaker 1
For everything and.
22:47
Speaker 2
Heidi just gets to show up and get pleasantly surprised, so.
22:51
Speaker 1
Fun.
It's so fun.
22:55
Speaker 2
So yeah, we spent a week in Portugal and Azores.
22:59
Speaker 1
Islands, yeah, anyway.
23:01
Speaker 2
We just had a blast in the.
23:02
Speaker 1
Algarve, Yeah, the most.
23:04
Speaker 2
Beautiful landscape I think I've ever seen in this little island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and but when we.
23:11
Speaker 1
Went We set an intention, knowing our goal this year of having more fun, and we decided we wanted our trip to be relaxing with nature, that we wanted it to be adventurous.
Yes.
Spontaneous fun.
23:27
Yeah.
We spontaneously just popped in a fancy hotel in the lobby and there was a piano concert going on.
And so we were the only people in there listening to it.
But it was this great piano concert.
23:40
Speaker 2
Just spontaneous music and.
23:42
Speaker 1
It was such a highlight of our trip.
Yeah.
23:44
Speaker 2
Or hiking up to the park and just sitting there and mindfully looking at all the beautiful Everything was coming out and blooming.
23:53
Speaker 1
Several sunsets and.
23:56
Speaker 2
Beautiful sunsets, yeah.
23:58
Speaker 1
Yeah, I think one of the keys to fun in this way is that it's got to be something that you both enjoy.
Yeah.
24:05
Speaker 2
I would agree.
So I can hear a lot of people right now making excuses for why they can't have fun together.
Doctor Hastings, we don't like the same things.
Or Doctor Hastings, we're too busy.
Or the kids.
24:18
Speaker 1
Probably the biggest one where?
24:21
Speaker 2
The kids keep us too busy.
They have so many activities.
The kids come first, right?
No, they'll say.
No, my love, I bet you're.
24:29
Speaker 1
Quoting them.
24:32
Speaker 2
I guess we don't have enough money or we'll always do what my spouse wants to do.
All this other stuff.
We hear you.
Just take a minute to ask yourself what's getting in the way of fun for you and your spouse right now.
Then talk about what you're each willing to do to change that.
24:49
No.
24:49
Speaker 1
Excuses.
24:51
Speaker 2
Next, start dreaming a little.
Make a list of things that sound fun.
If you like to travel like I do, listen to Scott's Cheap Travel Hacks episode or you can e-mail me at hello@marriageiq.com and I will give you some tips and tricks to travel on the cheap.
25:11
If you knew how much I paid for this Portugal trip, you would be shocked because it was really affordable.
So anyway, then I.
25:20
Speaker 1
Think also making that list of fun, new exciting things that you've never tried before, and maybe include some old things that you've loved but I haven't done for a while.
25:32
Speaker 2
Learning that balance between routines that you love and trying something new that might be a little scary.
25:38
Speaker 1
Especially when you're having this conversation of coming up with some ideas.
Don't worry about the amount of time it's going to take her, how you're going to fit it in.
Don't worry about money, don't worry about the logistics.
None of that yet.
Right now you're just brainstorming.
And you can even make it playful in your brainstorming.
25:56
Yeah.
Create your list separately and then come together and turn it into a challenge and see who got the most creative ideas or the most fun ideas.
Share your lists and pick a few things that you both feel excited about.
I like.
26:10
Speaker 2
That, yeah.
And also be open minded, willing to try those new things, things just say yes more often.
Yeah, that's.
26:17
Speaker 1
A good idea.
From there, I think it's really important to start getting intentional.
Decide what to prioritize on this list that you've come up with, and make a simple plan that fits your time, your energy, and your budget.
Most often we have to do it Friday night during our date nights.
26:32
We're just doing something different every once in a while, but we also plan ahead with our budget for things that are important to us, things that are a little bit bigger.
Just a little FYI, we have some interesting budget categories that we've instituted.
26:50
And yes.
26:51
Speaker 2
Ma'am One.
26:52
Speaker 1
Is for romance and one is for just fun activities, Doctor.
26:58
Speaker 2
Hastings, you have a budget category just for romance.
Yep.
Wow.
OK.
And.
27:04
Speaker 1
It adds up after a little while and you can do some fun things because I have to be big.
The next really important thing is schedule it.
Get it on the calendar.
Treat it like it matters, because it.
27:15
Speaker 2
Does last month.
27:17
Speaker 1
We decided one of the activities that we wanted to do was to go to the Dallas Museum of Art and we found one night a month.
They're open on Friday nights, late till.
27:27
Speaker 2
Midnight and.
27:28
Speaker 1
So we were tired and we thought about not doing it, but as we had reviewed our calendar for the week on the schedule.
27:37
Speaker 2
We're like.
27:37
Speaker 1
Nope, it's on the.
27:38
Speaker 2
Calendar since.
27:39
Speaker 1
We are tired, a little bit jet lagged.
We're gonna do it anyway.
We have the money in the budget and we had the best time, so we drove.
27:47
Speaker 2
Down to Dallas and we hung out with all these 20 somethings who live in condos in downtown who are very different than us.
27:56
Speaker 1
But it was so fun to watch it.
27:58
Speaker 2
Was so fun going all through the art.
28:00
Speaker 1
Museum going through watching.
28:01
Speaker 2
Different people.
I think I enjoyed watching people at least as much as I enjoyed watching the art and the music and all that.
So it was.
28:08
Speaker 1
Great.
And one other fun little thing that we didn't expect, we couldn't find a parking place that we felt good about.
We did find one and we thought we might get towed.
So we didn't stay there, but we hopped on one of the Lime scooters.
28:25
We went to eat dinner at a restaurant that we go to often that's, I don't know, a mile or so away and left our card there.
And then we hopped on one of those Lime scooters and I just, I had on high heels, but I made it work.
28:41
I put on one foot and put the other one back on the hub over the wheel and just hung into Scott tight as I could.
And it was just so much fun.
And we rode.
28:50
Speaker 2
Down to the museum and Yep, had a blast.
It was so.
28:54
Speaker 1
Fun.
So another thing that we'd say is give yourself space that any tension in your relationship can't creep in.
Of course, that really only works if you're making intentional time to address real issues in a healthy way on the regular health councils.
29:10
Speaker 2
Yep.
29:11
Speaker 1
So you might need to set some ground rules in what happens during these fun times.
And I would say a big one is don't talk about the problems, don't allow conflict or unhealthy competition in either.
If Scott was getting a little hot and bothered about me winning games, this is probably something that we wouldn't do together.
29:32
When was the last?
29:33
Speaker 2
Time that happened, honey, you don't.
29:36
Speaker 1
But that's what I'm saying, you have to set some ground rules.
It's.
29:39
Speaker 2
Not to ignore the things that are wrong, just don't talk about them while you're having fun, that's all.
29:45
Episode Summary and Teaser for Part Two: Reconnecting Daily
Yeah.
29:45
Speaker 1
So as we wrap up this first part of the series on happiness, we just want you to have a little more fun together.
It doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to be profound, just intentional.
And then practice it over and over these.
30:00
Speaker 2
Small moments may seem insignificant, but they createspace for connection ways that quietly add up over time.
30:08
Speaker 1
Because Doctor Brooks does say when these things happen daily, that increases our ability to be happy.
And then next week, we're going to talk about more simple but surprisingly powerful ways that Doctor Brooks suggests that couples reconnect every single day in a way that makes them happy.
30:25
Find a simple way to pray or meditate together, making more eye contact with each other and increasing physical touch.
You might be surprised just how much these small shifts can change your entire feeling of your marriage to bring in more happiness.
I did actually see a quote from Oprah who said she practiced in her relationship these four things, and she was shocked at what a difference it made.
30:50
She had not taken time to have fun, kind of like us, and once she started making that a priority, it changed a lot of things for her.
31:01
Speaker 2
All right, so everybody.
31:02
Speaker 1
Come back and join us next week and IF.
31:04
Speaker 2
This episode resonated with you.
Make sure you comment, follow, subscribe, share it with someone you care about and leave us a quick review.
It helps us reach more couples who want more than just a working marriage and with.
31:17
Speaker 1
That everybody have a great week and we'll see you on another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.
