Episode 124 : Why Men Are Shutting Down in Marriage
The Truth About Masculinity and Femininity in Marriage
Masculine, Feminine, and the Missing Piece in Modern Marriage
What does it actually mean to be a man?
And maybe just as importantly—what does it mean to be a woman in a relationship today?
These questions aren’t just philosophical. They’re at the heart of why so many couples feel disconnected, frustrated, or stuck… even when they “have everything.”
That’s exactly where relationship coach Andre Paradis began his journey.
“I Have Everything… But Something’s Missing”
Andre’s story doesn’t start with success—it starts with confusion.
As a child, he felt like he didn’t belong. That sense of being on the outside looking in turned into a lifelong habit of observing people—how they act, connect, and relate.
Later, he built a successful life. Career, marriage, kids—the full picture.
But then came a realization that changed everything:
“I have everything… but I know nothing about my wife.”
That moment hits closer to home than most of us would like to admit.
Because many couples aren’t struggling from lack of love.
They’re struggling from lack of understanding.
The Problem: We’re Speaking Different Languages
One of the biggest ideas Andre shares is simple—but controversial:
Men and women are different. Not just socially. Not just emotionally. But fundamentally in how they experience the world.
Men tend to be internally driven, action-oriented, and focused on problem-solving
Women tend to be more relational, emotionally attuned, and externally responsive
Neither is better. Neither is worse.
But when we expect each other to think, feel, and respond the same way—we create constant friction.
That’s where most arguments really come from.
Not “you’re wrong.”
But “you’re different—and I don’t understand why.”
The Modern Relationship Trap
Today’s culture often pushes a message of equality that sounds good—but can get confusing inside relationships.
We’re told:
Men should be softer, more emotional, more like women
Women should be stronger, more assertive, more like men
And in areas like career and opportunity, that shift has created real progress.
But inside relationships?
It can blur roles, expectations, and—most importantly—polarity.
Why Polarity Matters More Than You Think
Think of a magnet.
When two opposite poles come together, there’s a strong pull.
But when you neutralize them? The attraction disappears.
Andre uses this to explain relationships:
Masculine and feminine energy create attraction
When both partners operate the same way, that energy fades
This doesn’t mean one person is “in charge” and the other isn’t.
It means each person brings something different—and those differences create connection, chemistry, and balance.
Without that contrast, relationships can start to feel more like partnerships… or even roommates.
The Dance Analogy (That Explains Everything)
One of the most powerful ways to understand this is through dance.
In ballroom dancing, there’s a lead and a follow.
That doesn’t mean one person is more important.
It means each role is different—and both are essential.
When it works:
The lead provides direction, clarity, and structure
The partner responds, flows, and brings expression
When it doesn’t:
Two people try to lead → chaos
No one leads → confusion
One leads without sensitivity → discomfort
Sound familiar?
That’s exactly how relationships work.
The goal isn’t control.
The goal is coordination.
What Happens When This Breaks Down
When couples lose this balance, predictable patterns show up:
1. Men Shut Down
When men feel criticized, controlled, or constantly “corrected,” they don’t lean in—they withdraw.
Not because they don’t care.
But because they feel like they can’t win.
2. Women Take Over
When leadership or direction feels absent, women often step in to fill the gap.
At first, it feels necessary.
Over time, it becomes exhausting.
And eventually, it leads to resentment:
“Why am I carrying everything?”
3. Respect and Attraction Fade
Without mutual respect and clear roles, emotional and physical connection starts to decline.
Not overnight—but slowly.
The “Nice Guy” Myth
One of the more provocative ideas Andre shares is this:
Women say they want nice guys… but they don’t feel safe with them.
This doesn’t mean kindness is bad.
It means passivity is unattractive.
A “nice guy” who avoids conflict, doesn’t take initiative, and lacks confidence can feel unreliable—not safe.
What actually creates attraction?
Strength with sensitivity
Confidence with care
Leadership without control
In other words: balance.
Respect vs. Love: The Hidden Dynamic
Here’s another key insight:
Men often feel loved through respect
Women often feel respect through feeling loved and cherished
When either one is missing, the relationship struggles.
If a man feels disrespected, he pulls away.
If a woman feels unloved, she disconnects.
And both end up wondering:
“What happened to us?”
So What’s the Solution?
It’s not about going backward.
And it’s definitely not about one person dominating the other.
It’s about understanding.
1. Learn Each Other’s Nature
Instead of trying to change your partner, get curious.
Why do they react this way?
What motivates them?
What do they actually need?
This alone can resolve half the conflict.
2. Stop Making Each Other “Wrong”
Different doesn’t mean broken.
The goal isn’t to fix your partner.
It’s to work with who they are.
3. Communicate With Awareness
How you say something matters as much as what you say.
Criticism often triggers defensiveness
Respect invites openness
Understanding creates connection
4. Practice the “Dance”
No one gets this perfect.
Like dancing, relationships take:
Practice
Adjustment
Patience
You’ll step on each other’s toes sometimes. That’s part of it.
What matters is learning how to move together.
Final Thought
Most relationships don’t fail because people don’t care.
They fail because people don’t understand each other.
Masculine and feminine differences aren’t the problem.
They’re the opportunity.
When you stop fighting those differences—and start working with them—something shifts.
The tension softens.
The connection deepens.
And the relationship starts to feel… easier.
Not because it’s perfect.
But because, finally, you’re dancing in rhythm instead of stepping on each other’s feet.
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0:00
My life is novel but in a nutshell when I was five years old I realized I was born in the wrong family.The big thing for me is I have everything, family, children, beautiful wife, blah blah blah.
I know nothing about my wife Houston.
We have a problem.
We empower women.
0:15
We soften man, be sweet, be sensitive.
We shame men out of being masculine.
We empower women to be more masculine thinking we even out there playing field for business and money.
It works in a relationship, it doesn't.
Women say they want nice guys, they do not want nice guys.
Nice guys don't make you feel safe.
Nice guys, let's go in the friend zone.
0:30
Nice guys they can't respect.
0:34
Speaker 2
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
0:40
Speaker 3
I'm Heidi Hastings.
0:41
Speaker 2
And I'm Scott Hastings.
0:43
Speaker 3
We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose.
To change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones.
Using intelligence makes it a little fun.
1:04
Speaker 2
Welcome back everyone to another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.
Heidi, what does it mean to be a man?
They made a documentary about what is a woman, but they didn't do one about what is a man.
I am ticked.
1:21
Speaker 3
Are you wanting a woman's perspective or are you wanting to explore that a little bit more with our guest today?
1:26
Speaker 2
Maybe a little bit of both.
1:28
Speaker 3
Well, today we have somebody joining us who has taken the most interesting pathway to become an expert on marriage.
Andre Parody has lived the dream.
He's danced with Michael Jackson.
1:42
Speaker 2
Michael Jackson.
1:44
Speaker 3
And others he'll tell more about that He has built a super successful auto body repair business.
He's raised a family.
And even with the successes in all those areas, it didn't answer some of the most probing questions in his life.
And so he went on this long journey of self discovery and realization that most couples would never have the opportunity to do.
2:07
And he's been able through that to answer some of the questions about why couples are lacking in love and lacking in understanding with each other.
So Andre sold his business and launched Project Equinox to teach gender intelligence.
2:23
So he helps women understand men and men understand women and couples finally become closer to each other and fix some of those problems within their marriage without being resentful of each other.
So today on Marriage IQ, we welcome Andre Parody to talk about some really maybe let's call it provocative questions about marriage and talking about masculinity.
2:49
So stay tuned.
2:50
Andre's Path: From Dancer to Gender Intelligence Expert
Yeah.
So welcome, Andre.
We're so happy to have you here on Marriage IQ.
2:54
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Good morning.
Thank you.
That was good.
That was.
3:00
Speaker 3
Good, Andre.
So many fascinating parts of your life leading to where you are today.
And we always start with identity.
That's our first cornerstone of having a scintillating marriage.
He's from a city that we just discovered this year to be incredibly fascinating.
3:18
So let's start there.
What is it that led you on this path?
3:24
Speaker 1
My life is novel, but in a nutshell, when I was five years old, I realized I was born in the wrong family.
3:33
Speaker 2
So wrong family people.
Did they switch you in the hospital?
3:36
Speaker 1
All I knew is this.
These were not my people.
I don't fit in here.
They don't want me, they don't like me.
I'm not one of them with.
So it was really weird.
So terrifying as a 5 year old at 5, you actually could think and this when your brain and your heart could come together and kind of have conversation in your head and see the world around you all of a sudden and be able to understand it.
3:55
So what I'm telling you is that five years old, but what happened is it turned my radar outwards.
I just started watching the world, trying to understand my circumstances and how's that possible and how can we completely alone that house with seven people.
So I was the kid who was always watching, and I became fascinated with the human condition at school.
4:12
You see me in the corner just watching because this guy's a geek and this guy's a stud and this guy's got swag.
This girl's a little, and this one is kind of cheerleading.
So constantly watching people, fascinated, trying to mirror what I was experiencing.
So the dancing started in high school, 15 years old, and I was invisible kid, the kid they did on in the corner.
4:31
Awkward.
This girl asked me to join her in ballroom dance class because you had to sign as a couple.
Cute little thing.
I didn't know she knew I existed.
And a problem I'm thinking is like, I get to hold her in my arms.
Yeah.
Anyway, so get to class about a week and a half later and I got the girl on my arms.
4:49
The teacher's on my right.
It's a male teacher.
And I think we did the cha cha, the first thing.
And whatever he did, I could just do it.
I just had it.
It was right there.
I could copy it instantly.
So the guy was invisible his whole life.
All of a sudden, four months is the class star.
5:04
Wow, that was a sad kid.
And when you put me in a dance class with a girl in my arms, connecting rhythm and movements, my body resonating and lining up with the just lifted my spirit.
I always say, I think that's the first time in my life that I smiled.
5:20
So I made a living at a dancing my parents demise.
They were like, you're not going to make a living at dancing in Quebec City.
The Snowbec.
Yeah, the Snowbec.
5:28
Speaker 3
Is where he was raised.
That was a delightful find.
5:31
Speaker 1
For us there, Oh my goodness.
5:32
Speaker 2
06 months ago.
5:33
Speaker 1
Yeah, it's Europe and Canada.
Nobody knows, right?
And for me, it made me feel alive.
And that's all I wanted to do.
And it took its path all the way to Michael Jackson.
It was kind of a while, but throughout all of this, at the age of 23, I still doing personal development again, trying to get my life together, figure out why I'm here, what I'm going to do with this.
5:52
So in 2006, I get invited to a workshop called Understanding Women.
Allison Armstrong.
5:58
Speaker 2
Isn't that kind of an oxymoron?
6:01
Speaker 1
Yeah, a weekend.
6:03
Speaker 2
My friends to learn women, I mean.
6:06
Speaker 1
I tell that story, my friends.
Like this is such thing.
Honestly, they don't even know themselves.
Like you can't understand women, right?
Anyway, I said I was gonna go.
I'll keep my word.
I go.
I walked in there Saturday morning, big airport hotel.
Walked into the main room. 400 people.
Oh, this is big.
6:23
How cute.
Oh 100 men, 300 women.
This dude here who thought I knew women.
I came off my chair 7 times through the workshop.
Like completely off my chair.
Anyway Long story short I realized at the end of the store shop I knew nothing about women.
6:39
This one knew nothing about girl and women which meant I knew nothing about my wife.
Now the time we're married about 8 years, I have two little kids, I live in paradise.
I have everything family, children, beautiful wife.
I know nothing about my wife Houston.
We have a problem because I realized it's the stuff that I as being male, being masculine and being a dude, I constantly hurt your feelings.
7:01
I don't know, I don't mean to, I don't want to, I don't mean to, but she's, oh, this is dangerous.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, how long can a woman stand a guy who is hurting your feelings?
Because for the ladies, often they think that we know what we're doing.
We'll hurt your feelings, then we choose to do it on purpose.
7:16
We know better.
We're doing it anyway.
And so that's kind of mean and vicious, right?
So how long can you take that as a woman?
So to me, that was the thing.
I jumped right in and 2 1/2 years later I started Project Equinox.
I had both business going for a while.
They expended, expended expended so much so that I had to sell the shop and my heart was into this work. 5 masters later like John Gray, Esther Perel, Shanti, Fell, Ellison, I'm Strong and Doctor Pat Allen in Los Angeles who was married.
7:44
Speaker 3
With all of these people.
7:45
Speaker 1
I studied with all these people.
I was a maniac because after that workshop, I took all their workshops, and it's sort of assisting the workshops to hear it again because there was always a little bit different, different teachers, different questions.
And the more I learned, the more I realized there was more.
So I lost my mind.
I literally got sucked in.
And when I was done with that, again, John Gray, Mars and Venus, you know, Pat Allen, Los Angeles family, child marriage counselor for 46 years.
8:08
I spent 3 1/2 years in a room with this woman with three other people, getting all her downloads, everything she learned in her career.
So cocktail of information, and that's my job now.
I help people understand the dynamic relationships through nature, science, biology, anthropology, and psychology.
8:26
Boom, that's how we got here.
8:28
Why Equality Kills Passion in Relationships
That sounds a lot like what we're doing.
8:30
Speaker 3
But our path here did not include, I think not only did you dance with Michael Jackson, but also Prince and Paula Abdul and many others, and.
8:39
Speaker 2
I danced to Michael Jackson, yes.
8:42
Speaker 1
Does that go?
That goes.
8:44
Speaker 3
He moonwalks to my.
8:45
Speaker 2
There's one song that makes me break dance, otherwise I won't do it.
It is Billie Jean.
8:54
Speaker 3
Which really morally isn't the best when it comes to healthy relationship.
9:00
Speaker 2
But I can't help but move my bones when I hear that song.
9:04
Speaker 1
Yep, that's a huge one.
There's quite a few that he did that just.
9:08
Speaker 2
So now I'm going to be thinking of you when I think of this song.
What was he doing in the background like?
9:13
Speaker 3
How fun.
9:14
Speaker 2
Specifically, I kind of wanted to drill down a little bit on how men show up because you talked to us about how you don't understand women, and I concur.
But we've been married almost 30 years.
And if this is not at all an accusation, this is not a judgement.
9:30
This is not a gender warfare here.
It is like honesty.
I'm just being honest.
It's difficult to understand my wife a lot of times, and I don't think she's unique.
I think how we show up as men.
9:44
Speaker 1
She's unique, but she's also a woman, right?
That's what you meant.
9:47
Speaker 3
And I'm interested to know in that workshop where 300 women and 100 men, were the women there coming to understand women also?
Or were they there to prove the point every time the men had an aha moment that yes, she's right, OK.
10:04
Speaker 1
Both it was part of a community and because I remember thinking, what are the women doing here?
10:09
Speaker 3
Yeah, because to your point, I don't know myself sometimes either, right?
10:13
Speaker 1
And that was evident, you know, a lot of stuff that they learned that they confirmed, but they also confirmed themselves and realized they're not crazy, they're not this, they're not that they're twisted.
They're not all the overthinking, all the why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why why that the brain of a woman gatherer does.
10:27
Speaker 2
Why is it so hard to say that out loud?
Then?
Why is it so hard and so controversial to say that a lot of times women don't really know who they are, what they want?
Like why is that so controversial?
Again, I'm not trying to stereotype gender anything, I'm just trying to ask an honest question.
10:44
Speaker 1
Don't you understand, for me, in my world, it's not 100% right.
We talk about men and women, masculine and feminine, Ying Yang, black, white.
Like there's always a polarity that we try to equalize in our culture.
That's why we're struggling.
Polarity.
We're polarized.
That's the point that pulls us together.
11:00
Equality is bullshit.
Excuse my French.
In the realm of relationship, business, career, money, fine.
But in the relationship doesn't work.
11:08
Speaker 3
Explain that.
11:09
Speaker 1
Cuz well, like I said, if you neutralize the masculine and feminine, you kill the polarity.
Now, I live in Los Angeles, a lot of power couples, right?
We're both smart.
We're going to have the big house with all the cars that right impress our friends.
And we're power couples.
We're power couples and masculine on masculine, right?
This man on man, they make a ton of money, but they completely neutralize the sexual sensual energy.
11:30
They're man on man.
They say 2 dudes working together, they don't have sex, they don't have sex.
11:35
Speaker 2
But you're talking about a man and a woman though, right?
Yeah.
11:38
Speaker 1
Yeah, and I'm talking to regular straight couples when they go man on man because she's a boss and he's a boss, and we're gonna make a ton of money, impress our friends and live the life.
In 10 years, they're both having affairs because they completely neutralize their energy.
The polarity is gone.
The masculine and feminine dance is eliminated.
11:53
It's like if you take two magnets polarized, the more polarized, the more they pull.
But if you rub them together, they go unusual.
That's part of the problem.
So 5050, equality in the relationship is the kiss of death, and This is why everyone's struggling.
12:09
See it?
12:10
Speaker 2
So help us unpack this a little bit, because we don't want to go backward and we certainly don't want to suggest to the world, put out there to the world that one person, one gender is inferior to the other.
Yeah.
And as far as rights as far as what we do, and I think that's what you're getting at.
12:27
I just want to make sure we clarify it very clearly in a way that's not easily misunderstood.
12:33
Speaker 1
Yeah, no, absolutely.
And the fact is it's understanding how all that works in the world that we live in now, that it's upside down and people don't know why they're struggling.
It should be easier.
We open the channels to everything and anybody could do whatever they want.
We empower women.
We soften men, be sweet, be sensitive.
12:50
We shame men out of being masculine.
We empower women to be more masculine thinking.
We even out there playing field for business and money.
It works.
In a relationship, it doesn't.
That's what all my clients are struggling with.
They do everything for the culture and they're struggling.
13:05
They're unhappy and the women are stressed out and the men are, I want to say shut down.
They just go flat.
And she's like, I don't know what's happening, but my husband is just sitting on the couch.
13:16
Speaker 3
Are you saying when a woman speaks her mind more or when she wants more decision making power within the relationship that then the guy shuts down?
13:28
Speaker 1
Well, women who overdo it, if they're too masculine and he's not supposed to push back and say I'm not OK with that, I don't want that, don't talk to me that way.
It starts to battle.
And often when women are uncomfortable, unhappy, they want us to change.
You want us to change, to be different, to be kinder, sweeter, more talkative.
13:46
I had a client.
The guy was married with two children, 2 girls, he was 63 years old, came to her workshop, a man's workshop, and he understood for the first time in his life there was nothing wrong with him because his entire life, from his wife to his daughters told him you need to be more kind, you need to talk more, you need to show your feelings, you need to be vulnerable and completely unnatural for the masculine.
14:06
And now we have that, but we don't lead with that, we don't drive with that, women do.
But they shamed him his whole life because he wasn't good enough as a person, because he was an act naked woman.
So when you discover I'm just going to be me.
And the relationship requires negotiation.
14:23
So it's when men are told that they don't have a say and she knows better, that they shut down.
And then she feels abandoned.
Now she's taking the load, he's not stepping up, loses respect for him, and there it goes.
14:37
Speaker 3
Is the same true on the other side?
When the woman is told that she doesn't have a say, when she doesn't have a voice, does she shut down and do the same thing?
14:45
Embracing Differences: The Masculine-Feminine Dance
Well, we're both toxic.
The idea is if we're going to come together and dance like we talked about, I have to lead my wife.
14:51
Speaker 3
Instead that picture behind you and tell our listeners a little bit about that.
14:56
Speaker 1
Yeah, so this is my wife and I ballroom dancing.
I had that made because this is how we met.
So we connected.
We do to this day.
We dance every Sunday still and we get together and have a date every Sunday once a week.
And again, this is just how we get stay connected and stay in the flow and check in with each other.
15:13
How's your week?
How we doing?
But but understand in the bottom world, there's no two leads.
There's a lead and a supportive of the lead.
People call it follower.
Women don't like that.
But if my wife is trying to lead me or help me when I'm leading, I get the elbows, the face or the need to the groin.
15:29
But get this, it's like a relationship.
If I'm going to lead my wife on the dance floor and have an experience, a flowing experience with her, I'm going to lead her.
But I have to lead her with sensitivity because I could crank her arm, I could mess her shoulder up like this over leading.
That's what you're talking about, right?
When men are over the top and they don't consider or tap in with their feminine, they're toxic, they're shitty, they're right.
15:51
The man's a pig.
So I have to lead with sensitivities so that she could trust me not to hurt her and knowing I'm not going to spin into a wall or a table or whatever, and that she gets to relinquish control, allow herself to be vulnerable to my leadership.
16:08
And the moment she let's go because she feels safe, the one she let's go because she trusts me, she radiates, she shines, she glows.
No one's looking at me.
They're all looking at her smiling, radiant, feminine, beautiful.
That's the dance.
All that is negotiable, by the way.
So as we're dancing, there's a huge amount of communication exchange that happens to our fingers.
16:26
I'm very aware of her.
I'm very aware how she receives me and vice versa.
And what she gives me I could use.
So there's a lot of finesse there in learning to do a relationship, but it's not about 1 stepping on the other.
It's not a dictatorship, it's a partnership.
It's allies working together.
16:43
My strength different than her strength.
Come together unbeatable, create a family and a legacy.
That's the point.
That's what works, That's what most people are looking for, and they're most fulfilled when we stick a little bit more to our actual identity and in our bodies.
Masculine men do better than feminine man.
17:00
Feminine women do better.
A happier life than masculine women.
OK, So what are we fighting here?
We're fighting nature.
Well, nature's going to win every.
17:08
Speaker 2
Nature's going to win every time.
Love this.
So what I hear you saying here, Andre, is that we are opposite but equal.
17:16
Speaker 1
Equally important, completely opposite.
17:18
Speaker 2
Completely opposite, but completely equal.
Yeah, thank you.
I love this analogy.
17:24
Speaker 3
Because you know how often I try to lead in the dance and then it doesn't go well.
17:29
Speaker 2
I think for anyone, if so, this is a great reminder.
Anyone listening to our podcast right now if you take some ballroom dance lessons.
17:35
Speaker 3
You learn more about mirror.
17:37
Speaker 2
You're going to learn a lot about what Andre and we are staying here.
I think a beautiful illustration.
17:42
Speaker 3
Man's job of leading is to show off the woman like you said.
17:48
Speaker 2
How many times when we dance my love when I'm not confident, I'm not strong, I'm my arms are flappy.
Do you like?
17:57
Speaker 3
That because I have no idea what you're trying to get me to do and we just fall all over the place.
18:03
Speaker 2
Right.
Do you want strong?
18:05
Speaker 3
But not too strong, not where you're jerking my arms or right.
18:09
Speaker 2
You want strong, confident and refined.
18:12
Speaker 3
And very gentle.
18:14
Speaker 2
Sensitive.
Very sensitive.
18:15
Speaker 3
That's a good word.
18:16
Speaker 2
Sensitive to energy to yes, but still maintaining my strength.
Yes, not being floppy.
18:25
Speaker 3
I love the word that Andre used.
Trust.
It allows me to trust you.
18:29
Speaker 1
And let go of control and be vulnerable to his leadership where you glow and just relax into your body.
18:36
Speaker 2
You relax into your femininity, Yeah, is what you do.
18:39
Speaker 1
Right.
Naturally, by the way, it happens automatically.
My wife is a ballerina.
So ballerina is a very controlling, like the hardest thing to do with the line, the strength, the alignment, right?
It's crazy.
When we first met and I started to ball with her, she was trying to help like anticipate what I'm doing.
So she's kind of like not listening to me.
18:56
She's just trying to guess where.
And again, that's where you get the elbow to the face and the knee to the groin.
And I spend probably 2 years leading her and I go stop bleeding, stop bleeding, you're gonna hurt me.
Stop bleeding back to her hand so many times.
19:11
Sometimes she was red because her body, her knee instinct was she's in charge of herself, you know what I mean?
So for her to relax and do my leadership, it took a while for her to just relax into it.
19:22
Speaker 3
Right.
And it takes and strength well and trust.
19:26
Speaker 1
I've been with my wife for 33 years.
We've been dancing together since we're in our 20s.
And to this day, as I'm a strong lead, obviously that's my work.
And you know this, Scott, when you're leading, you're 2 steps ahead.
You have to plan ahead.
So what are you going to do?
You don't do it on the spot.
19:41
There's a couple of steps ahead.
Your head is a little bit about where you're going to go.
Get this.
Me as a strong lead, if I'm dancing with my wife or anybody and for like one second I don't pay attention and they go, wait, where am I going?
Get this?
The moment I one second she goes stiff, good.
19:58
Now she's scared.
Now she's lost.
Now I don't have it right now.
What's happening now what's going on, right?
And that's what we do in relationships.
20:05
Speaker 2
Dude, I feel you.
20:06
Speaker 1
She will take it if you don't have it as man, she will take it and eventually resent you because you're not leading, because she'll take it because she's scared that it seems to feel safe.
You don't know that's happening.
So again, here's the dance.
20:19
Speaker 2
There's the dance.
Beautiful.
20:20
Speaker 1
It's nature.
20:21
Speaker 2
It's nature.
We've been doing ballroom dance for five years, almost every week, and I still struggle like this.
I think this is a lifetime of learning in it.
We do it too because of the symbolism.
And here's the thing, So many people are so worried.
20:37
I think that we don't define this polarity inequality well enough where women think, well, OK, if you're in control, that means I'm not in control and that means I'm being oppressed.
20:49
Speaker 1
Or just, you know, passive, right?
20:52
Speaker 2
I'm being a you're oppressing me because I want to take control.
And yet you cannot dance beautifully.
I think our teachers are.
They're one of the top in the world.
I think.
What?
The top top 20, at least editors.
Yeah.
And that you have to have this, the masculine, feminine, or it doesn't work.
21:09
Speaker 1
Nature, nature.
I have a live workshop in Los Angeles once a month where we do the dance.
It's called the dance relationships, where we touch on the frame of leading and supporting the lead, and it's an instant mirror on how you show up in a relationship.
It's incredibly visceral.
21:24
You understand if you don't lead, she freaks out, tightens up, gets angry with you, gets frustrated, well, tell you're not doing it right.
So now she becomes your mom, disrespectful, and now we get frustrated and I don't want to dance with her.
You know what I mean?
But if you don't lead, she has no choice.
Just like in a relationship, if you don't lead, she'll take it and eventually resent you for it because it's all on her and lose respect for you.
21:45
This is when women walk.
If she can't respect you and you're not a good lead, she's not gonna want to dance with you.
They'll find somebody else to dance with.
Just saying.
So again, back to nature, back to the yin Yang.
And it's the polarity, the opposite, that is the point.
22:00
Masculine, feminine.
Is there anything more opposite to a man than a woman and vice versa?
That's the juice.
If you look at your relationship, anybody's relationship, the people who are polarized stay together but constantly opposite.
One is responsible, the one's aloof, 1 is a extrovert, the other one introvert more.
22:17
There's always a Ying Yang always one saves money, the one spends money everything down the line like one plans everything, then one's in the flow.
You'll notice the people who stick together, build relationships are completely polarized in opposition.
What would happen is this mystery in that man to woman who we meet your girl like they say, right?
22:37
The polarity is in place, but within about a year or so, this mysterious person that's so different than me in every way feels different, things differently, acts differently, motivated differently.
We start getting on each other's nerves because if he acted more like this, you know he'd be more comfortable.
22:53
And if she stopped talking so much, she'd be nicer.
And if she just stopped pushing.
So we are polarized with the opposition, but soon enough we're trying to make each other wrong for it and try to change the other.
This is what doesn't work.
So instead of trying to change the masculine, feminine dance, we want to understand it and then embrace it and work with it.
23:13
That's my work.
That's all I do, right?
Both sides, complete opposites.
How do we blend it?
How do we find the sweet spot his way completely different than her way?
How do we meet in the middle?
How do we negotiate that?
You're comfortable and comfortable.
You respect me, I respect you.
23:28
We understand each other, We negotiate these things and that's how you flow into the healthy marriage and long term legacy.
23:36
Understanding Why Men Shut Down in Relationships
So what's the first step?
Where do you start with people on that?
Because I'm thinking of some of the comments that we've gotten from some of our listeners that they want their spouse to change.
Specifically women who are, like you said, kind of frustrated with certain things that their spouse is doing that they think is wrong.
23:55
What you're saying is that constantly telling them that they're wrong is demasculating them.
24:02
Speaker 1
Emasculating.
Yeah, they'll shut down on you completely.
They'll becomes completely passive.
You'll feel like they're disconnected from you, whether it's spatially, like they'll remove themselves from your space as much as possible, or he becomes the guy sitting on the couch or behind his computer just hiding.
24:18
Speaker 2
That is no way to have a scintillating marriage, my love.
24:21
Speaker 1
It's very common.
Everything falls What?
24:23
Speaker 2
And then people think, well why did I get married in the 1st place?
Yep.
24:26
Speaker 3
Right.
Yep.
He doesn't adore me.
He doesn't.
24:30
Speaker 1
No, I gotta say this, this is one layer of that explanation.
I've seen women turn tigers, men who are capable.
She meets the guy.
He's powerful, he's got his business together.
He goes to the gym, he's strong, everybody respects him.
He's amazing, He's adventurous.
He leans in.
24:45
He creates a whole exciting life, drives a Porsche like his guys, his stuff together.
That's what makes a man attractive.
He's got a woman, can see a future with a man who's got his life together.
That's sexy.
That's a good candidate to build a family.
So they get married and within a year she makes to sell the Porsche because that's how she got her of some level.
25:03
The Porsche now attracts other women.
No, that's not good.
That's not good.
And then doesn't want him to go to the gym so much or work so much because she's disconnected.
This is insecurity on some women, but it's pretty common.
And so women will literally just pull out this guy gently.
I called it beta size.
25:18
The man with 1000 cuts where I want you to be close.
I don't want you to work out so much.
You spend too much on my way like that and pull out the guy.
And I've seen tigers like powerful males who are like everything that a woman wants.
And after marriage, she turns him into a fat indoor house cat sitting in the couch, 30 lbs heavier.
25:36
And she's like, what happened to the man I married?
I'm like 1000 cuts like you just cut at him gently.
And man, like I said, this is again, that's sexy.
It's just nature.
We're not designed to fight with you ladies.
We're designed to protect you.
So when you're unhappy with something, we tend to go, all right, all right.
25:55
And that's how you tune a tiger into a house.
25:56
Speaker 2
You just answered a question for me, Andre.
25:59
Speaker 1
Go are you?
26:01
Speaker 2
The Gottmans teach about the Four Horsemen, death or relationship.
One of them is defensiveness and I opposed that question.
I said mine is defensiveness.
I'm always defensive and most men are that I've talked to anyway.
That is their go to and you just answered I wasn't built to attack my wife.
26:20
I was built to protect my wife.
26:21
Speaker 1
Thank you.
26:22
Speaker 2
And so when I feel attacked by my wife, I defend myself.
26:28
Speaker 1
Right, because instead of protecting her, now you have to protect yourself from her.
26:32
Speaker 2
Right, but I don't attack her.
It wasn't built to attack.
26:36
Speaker 1
No, absolutely.
Now the boys, by the way, this man who are toxic, they're men who are dangerous, are toxic.
And the rapist and the cheaters, those are not men.
Those are boys.
Those are feminine men who don't know how to control their emotions and get triggered easily and they yell it.
So they abuse women and children because that's the only source of relevance of power that they have.
26:55
So that's different.
So there is toxic men, yes, right.
That's not most of us, that's the opposite.
There's about 30% now in our culture that are kind of soft like this that women lead and resented in the end and all that stuff.
So what I'm saying here is as a warrior, because you understand masculine and warriors at heart, we're fighters.
27:12
We're warriors.
You have a beast in front of you, you're going to attack the beast, you're going to lose.
Even if you're right, he's going to push back because an attack is an attack.
And it's in part of my work is teaching the ladies how to approach your man respectfully, tapping into his instinct to provide and protect as opposed to defend himself from you when you go at him.
27:33
You can't go at a man think he's going to go well, even if you're right, he's going to push back, you lose, you think he's a real jerk.
And who the hell did I marry?
Not knowing how the warrior brain works.
You can't attack him.
You lose and he's going to push right back and tell you you're wrong.
27:48
And that's not what I said.
That's not what I meant.
I don't know how you got there.
That's crazy.
Stop.
And he walks away and you're like, damn, what a jerk.
That's not it.
Understanding our nature.
You guys are thinking of watching the brains go.
Heidi, what you got?
28:00
Speaker 3
I can see the truth in that, but also it kind of sounds to me like you're blaming the women for men issues.
So you went to this class to understand women and you were shocked at what you learned?
28:15
I guess.
What did you learn in that class?
That helps me not feel like you're just putting the blame on Heidi's pushing.
28:21
Speaker 2
Back against you, Andre.
28:22
Speaker 1
No, Beautiful, beautiful.
And again, like I said, sometimes it's not sexy.
If you look at nature, everything is polarized.
Everything is the same.
There's a masculine.
Feminine is right.
The female decides when it's time to copulate.
Period.
28:33
Speaker 3
Why is she pushing the husband?
28:34
Speaker 1
A lot of men now are raised to be passive, like be sweet, be sensitive, be vulnerable, be open, talk more.
That's not a man, that's a girl, right?
But women will lean into that hard.
Like I said, the gentleman I told you about his wife and his two daughters constantly ragging on him that he needs to be different, more like a girl.
28:51
I understand that would be easier.
It's unrealistic.
It's not how it works.
28:54
Speaker 3
So ragging on somebody is not a good idea.
We're saying ragging on your spouse using words like you shouldn't, you should, you ought to, you need to, Why don't you?
Those are words that are considered ragging on them.
29:09
Speaker 1
Disrespectful.
You're mothering him.
If you mother a grown man, he's gonna push back and he's gonna disappear from your space.
It's disrespectful to the core.
Now you have to understand we both want love and respect as men and women.
29:21
Speaker 3
Yes.
So let's look at the other side then.
29:23
Speaker 1
But there's a Yang, I guess there's a Yang there as well.
So if you don't respect a man, he can't love you or cherish you, period.
Like you can't, right, Scott?
And if a woman does that feel cherished, she can respect him.
So we both want love and respect, but they occur backwards.
29:38
So men will say, I don't care.
Do you tell me you love me?
You don't respect me.
You're taking my heart out, you're killing me, you're crushing my insides.
That's how they choose women.
And women say you don't love me, I don't feel cherished, I can't attach to you.
So we need both, and that's understanding of the dance.
29:54
Men want respect more.
Women want to be cherished more.
29:57
Speaker 2
I think, honey, what he's trying to say in a roundabout way is that in order to have a scintillating marriage, we first have to change ourselves.
30:06
Speaker 3
We say that every week, don't we?
30:08
Speaker 1
Touch.
30:09
Speaker 2
I think it comes from within.
We need to change ourselves first.
I need to approach you first and foremost as a cherished feminine person.
30:22
Speaker 3
And what do you have to add to that, Andre?
As how men can better cherish their wives.
30:29
The Owner's Manual for Understanding Men & Women
Well, it's they all have traumas, right?
So feminine men typically are traumatizing childhood masculine women is same thing.
So this, that kind of gets it to the cocktail of why women can be masculine and men can be feminine.
This, this story, that's where we start with my work, my clients.
30:45
How'd you get to be like this?
There it is.
Five years old, six years old, history, my trauma, blah, blah, blah.
Abuse, neglect, abandonment.
Some people have all of it plus sexual abuse.
Hello.
Wondering whether ships aren't working.
So that's a big, big drive.
But the rest of it is really understanding gender intelligence.
31:03
And if you're smart, and I'm just gonna say we're hopefully all think we're smart, if you want as a woman to understand man, our instinct, our nature, what motivates us, what we do that makes no sense to you, cross the bridge into men world and go learn.
31:20
And I'm gonna tell you this.
I have the owners manual.
This sounds arrogant, but I do.
I have the owners manual on why men do what they do.
I get explained to you like a book.
This is what men are motivated, respect, a swag, feeling powerful.
And for the man, I have the owners manual for the ladies.
31:36
That's pretty cool, right?
But they're completely different.
So gender intelligence is as women learn about men's work, men's motivation, why men do what they do, why they don't speak so much, why they're feel disconnected and cold and distant.
You think we don't care?
That's not it.
We're warriors.
31:52
We're in our heads all the time.
And by the way, this is what we need you to get out of our heads and bring us into our hearts, like us better.
And get this.
When women understand the nature of men more, about 50% of everything you think personally with us disappear.
That's a different freaking life, 3 ladies, and not only with your husband, with your father, with your kids, with the boys, but the people, with the men you work with.
32:15
It's a different life.
Like he's just the man.
This is what he's compelled to do.
That's his instinct.
Not make him wrong for it.
The same with the man.
I say, man, women will say all the time, I need so very little, why can't I get whatever?
We don't know what that means.
We don't know what that means.
32:29
Speaker 2
I've never heard that before, Andre.
32:31
Speaker 1
We quantify everything, so the little stuff, right?
So I understand as a man, cross the bridge into woman world.
Go learn what that means.
Understand her instinct, how she needs to be connected for you to talk to her, to connect for her to feel safe.
Women need to feel safe in order to be feminine in their relationship.
32:49
And by the way, there's four layers of safety.
Without the four, a woman cannot slip into a feminine.
OK, tell us four different layers of safety, right?
We don't know this.
So I teach this.
You have to understand what happens to her, why she and all of a sudden.
33:06
So all I have to do is I'm like, easy, isn't it?
And the little stuff becomes obvious to us.
And now again, we be in the middle, right?
There's a negotiation, but understanding.
So gender intelligence is really learn from the other side.
And then you can meet in the middle of the bridge and start dancing, understanding more about each other as opposed to meet each other wrong and like dancing right.
33:28
Bottom dancers take five years to make.
There's a lot of practicing.
This is the same thing in this modern world.
We have to learn how to dance together as opposed to meet each other wrong.
So in the beginning, it's awkward.
We step on each other's toes, but the more you do it.
33:42
Speaker 2
Well, I would say that synergy.
33:44
Speaker 1
Works by itself.
33:45
Speaker 2
You said about just knowing about each other's genders about 50%.
That tracks.
I say that just recognizing the problem is about half of the solution, but it's not the whole solution.
But 50% is a huge chunk, and I think that shouldn't be lost on anyone.
34:02
I think learning about women, learning about you specifically because you're the only woman I really want to learn, is like maybe year 2 of ballroom dance, right?
Like we got it down.
34:16
Speaker 3
You're not struggling so much.
We don't look step.
34:18
Speaker 2
Like when I look at the newbies at the dance studio now, I'm like, oh, how cute.
We used to look like that.
And so maybe you're too into it or we kind of know what we're doing.
We look better to the newbies.
The experts were like really rough still, right?
And so it's that other 50%, after we've learned the gender differences, that other 50% takes the rest of our lives to.
34:42
Speaker 1
Practice, practice, practice, practice.
Yeah, practice.
That's how we learn.
Practice all the tools.
34:48
Speaker 2
It may take another five years to learn half as much as we learned the first five years, right?
Just because we're refining it.
Yep, over and over.
34:55
Speaker 1
That's what I'm talking about.
That's the relationship dynamics.
Men and women love relationships are exactly the same.
Two different entities, 2 completely different human beings.
Complete opposite in every way.
How do you blend that together?
Because nature wants us to be blended, right?
35:12
We're not good by ourselves.
Nature wants us to be coupled.
That's how we continue the species.
That's how we build family that have, you know, healthy, right?
Healthy children create their own healthy families.
And so that's how we keep a society together, right?
So what are we fighting this for?
This is like nature, except it's complicated.
35:30
Often she's completely opposite of you.
How she process information, feelings, how she's motivated by the world around her.
We're motivated by me, right?
So women are externally motivated, men are internally motivated.
There's a big disconnect that we don't understand.
She has a self doubt that she's born with that she doesn't know.
35:48
You have a self doubt that you're born with that you don't know.
And so the love respect thing comes into that not understanding.
So women disrespect us all the time.
They don't know they're doing it.
They don't mean to.
The same way we hurt their feelings all the time.
We don't know we're doing it.
So you have to understand these machines that are humans, different machines, estrogen, brain, testosterone, brain, survival instinct as a hunter, gather instinct as a gatherer, hunter gatherer.
36:14
This is all driving us to this day constantly.
We think we'll be on that or not.
So when you decode all the reactivity per ancestry, per history, per trauma, and then if you're brave enough to have each other's back and get into the sauce and figure this shit out, excuse my French, these are the people who do it.
36:34
These are people who succeed 3540, fifty years.
They have each other's back first, so they don't make each other wrong.
They just talk, they negotiate.
And when it gets heated, we take your corners and you come back and go, OK, wow, why'd you get so mad?
Well, my dad used to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, having each other's back as opposed to making each other wrong, which is what we do because it doesn't feel right.
36:57
It's too much of this, too much of that, and we just make each other wrong.
That's what doesn't work, embracing our differences as opposed to make each other wrong.
And that takes practice and understanding.
Yeah.
37:06
Speaker 2
Truly a scintillating marriage is 1 where they don't feel like they're on a summit of a mountain.
We're always climbing.
We're always climbing.
There's no summit.
37:16
Speaker 3
That would be like staying as a first year dancer for the rest of your life and thinking you had it made.
37:21
Speaker 1
Right.
Some people do that.
37:22
Speaker 3
I would say the vast majority of people do that.
37:25
Speaker 2
I think it's great to probably stand on summits once in a while and lookout and then get climbing again.
37:31
The Warrior vs. Daddy: Men's Vulnerability
The greatest ballroom dancers, or anyone the greatest.
37:34
Speaker 3
Anything.
37:35
Speaker 2
Are always always always refining.
37:38
Speaker 3
And learning and growing don't.
37:39
Speaker 1
Get practice, practice, practice, right, the communication to the fingers, right, the responding back and forth like again with my wife, if we do salsa right, there's two fingers, our hands in the mind.
It's finger.
It's not ballroom frame.
That's more rigid and solid, right?
There's a huge amount of guidance with two fingers, 2 fingers.
37:57
But I'm completely in touch with her responding or her not.
And my leadership, my strong leadership with sensitivities when she gets back to me and that's the practice, that's beautiful.
38:08
Speaker 3
That.
38:08
Speaker 2
Is so beautiful right there.
There's no way I can do that.
I'm just telling you right now what you're explaining to me is like next level and I would love to get to that level.
38:18
Speaker 1
But you salsa still so you guys.
38:20
Speaker 3
Might have to come out to California.
38:22
Speaker 1
Because I know this, understand the polarity as well and understand as a lead, I've done this for so long.
Like you could practice this really quickly.
Salsa, by the way, it's one of the easiest ones to learn.
So in the end, just practicing it, you understand leading and she understands supporting the lead.
38:37
Speaker 2
All right, honey, we got to go back to Havana Cafe Friday nights.
We got to practice.
I want to go back because I don't want to let this go.
You talked about men aren't naturally vulnerable, and they should.
I want to push back on that a little bit, bring it.
I think vulnerability I want to explore with you, OK, Because I find and I teach that vulnerability is actually really important.
39:00
The word vulnerable can be interpreted different ways.
Yeah.
What's the way that you're interpreting the word vulnerable when it comes to men?
39:06
Speaker 1
So if you go back to instinct, how we fired, how we build, how we survive millennia hunter gatherer, right?
So the hunter is the leaning out, pushing, fighting, conquering by finding the resources, the food, the water, the shelter, checking out because we kept moving, because we used the environment and pour it out.
39:26
So you have to move and start again, right?
So men are the conquerors where the women stay behind the gatherers take care of the children, take care of the fires, take care of the collecting the food, the fruit, the berries, right, doing the wash.
So this is where we come from.
So hunter brain, as was the gatherer brain community connection.
39:43
We're being together, coming together without talking, fighting, pushing, right?
Women drive their lives to their feelings.
We don't We can agree to that, right?
Two different machines.
Things drive her life moment to moment and she feels good and bad depending on what's happening from the outside.
39:59
Yeah, they're externally motivated.
The world coming at them all day long makes them feel good and bad throughout the day.
Just like the weather back East back.
It changes all the time.
We're like this, right.
But part of that is the masculine paradigm of.
Doesn't matter how I feel, this needs to be done Doesn't matter how I feel, have to go get some food and I have to go hunting.
40:18
Doesn't matter how I feel, we have to survive.
You see it feeling machine, logic machine, both perfect for survival but completely different.
So man, watch this, vulnerability comes with our ladies, but we don't leave with vulnerability because it makes us feel and vulnerability is it's revealing your weaknesses and the things that your attachments and the things that people can use against you.
40:45
So we have an instinct to not, but the women can bring us there in our relationship, but in the world, not so much.
They think back again in warrior times, if we are going to fight the tribe that's trying to take over our camp and our women, this is survival.
We have to kill.
41:01
If my tribe has one guy who's so scared, so freaked out, so vulnerable, so weak, so completely terrified of what's about to happen, it's all about him and his feeling, right?
He's dangerous.
He is dangerous to our survival.
41:16
We'll kill him before we actually get to the enemy.
So that is where vulnerability doesn't work for man.
It is a survival instinct.
Not be vulnerable and I reveal your weaknesses.
You see it.
And we need the ladies to go into it.
41:29
Speaker 2
What I hear you saying then is kind of what I was thinking from a physical standpoint, vulnerability is a weakness, right?
We're here to protect.
Protect means protect, and vulnerable means you're not protecting.
41:43
Speaker 1
If I'm about to kill the guy in front of me who's trying to kill my wife or take over my camp, if I for one second with a spear up in the air, they I wonder if he's got a wife and kid, boom, I'm dead.
Not appropriate for survival, right?
So we have to objectify the enemy and then we'd take care of it that way.
42:00
Speaker 3
But within our relationship, it's going to be different.
42:04
Speaker 2
Absolutely.
It'll be very different.
42:06
Speaker 3
Cuz the wife isn't the enemy.
42:08
Speaker 1
Right, But sometimes you'll trigger the warrior and now you become the push against, right?
Women are all about their feelings, and that's normal, right?
We understand that.
That's also kind of hard to watch and hard to deal with sometimes.
But this is how you're wired.
42:23
This is fine.
I understand that empathy for that.
I accept it and I help my wife stabilize.
I get to save her from herself sometimes.
Understanding her emotions.
So women are about their feelings.
Are you ready for the bomb?
Men don't trust feeling.
42:39
What do you mean?
You could have a skill.
If I think about the guy that I'm about to kill, that maybe he's boom, I'm dead.
So again, there's a blending together of our instinct and how do we get to be civilized and meet somewhere in the middle, understanding our differences.
She's all about her feelings.
42:54
We don't trust feelings.
We trust logic.
Makes sense.
Structure, order to survive.
You bring us all this together with the community, the connection.
Women are the Velcro over the world, I call it.
You bring everything together.
We are headbound.
43:10
You are heartbound.
How perfectly beautiful.
But if you're too headbound and I'm too heartbound, it's complicated.
And if you're headbound and I'm headbound, we're fighting.
If you're heartbound and I'm heartbound, we're collapsing.
43:22
Speaker 2
So I, I agree with you on this, on all this, I do want to push back a little bit because.
43:28
Speaker 1
I love that.
43:29
Speaker 2
I've not had to make the decision whether to kill someone or not in my entire life.
I've never had to deal with the open Savannah, right Do.
43:39
Speaker 1
You have kids.
43:40
Speaker 2
Yes.
43:41
Speaker 1
What if somebody to attack your kid?
43:43
Speaker 2
But they haven't.
43:44
Speaker 1
No, but what if it's inside of you?
If somebody that threatened my family, if there's some loser on the sidewalk, is stalking my house, it's not going to go well for him, right?
He's not going to be there for a week.
43:56
Speaker 2
Yes, you're right, that's an instinct, but it's an instinct never has to be utilized.
Like I'm 55, I've never had to utilize the instinct to protect my family like with a gun.
44:08
Speaker 1
Good for you.
44:09
Speaker 3
But you do have to provide for our family and you take that very intensely.
44:16
Speaker 2
That is very much an instinct.
Yeah.
Look, I agree with what you're saying.
I'm just saying in the meantime, when I'm not having to kill lions, tigers or murderers, which is 100% of the time, I do want to connect really well with my wife in ways that help her feel secure and safe, and that includes vulnerability emotionally.
44:37
Speaker 1
So that warrior that I'm talking about having to kill and conquer, this is what you do every day.
You go to work, you push, you fight, you conquer, you lean in, you're combative, you compete against other man.
That's the fight, That's the new fight.
It's not killing the bison and it's not killing the neighbor.
44:53
It's survival by pushing, fighting, conquering, stepping on top of trying to get on top of the guy, the next guy.
Be competitive.
It's the same damn thing, right?
So warriors at work, how do you come home and put that down so you get connected with your wife and your kids?
So there's a warrior energy, I call it, and there's a daddy energy.
45:12
Two different guys, same person, right.
Understand how that works.
This is appropriate.
Go fight the world.
Yeah, just kill it.
But come home, you have to switch it to daddy energy to connect with the wife and kids.
And when we're not fighting, we tend to settle there.
45:28
Andre's Call to Action: Think for Yourself
You see it?
45:28
Speaker 3
Andre, this has been really great.
And I think we're going to have to continue some of these conversations again at some point.
But do you have some last wisdom that you want to share with us, some resources for our listeners who are really interested in what you're doing?
45:46
Speaker 1
Yeah.
So if you've been triggered, I say talk to me, right, because the trigger is something you believe that for whatever reason is right.
And if you understand, I could break it all down to This is why it works, how it works.
And my favorite thing is to fight with a feminist woman who thinks I'm a misogynistic, I'm a pig.
46:06
I want to keep pulling back and we'll have seriously.
And then they're yelling at me like, how dare you.
This is 2025.
Well, hold on, right?
This is what I'm saying.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
And they stop screaming.
All of a sudden the face relaxes.
46:21
Something hit.
It resonated because that this nature, it resonates when you hear the truth on some level.
They go from wanted to kill me to and then it rumbles for a while.
I get this.
Well, I never thought of it that way before.
There you go.
46:37
So ruminate on that and when you're done with that, I'll give you more.
It's really often the false belief that we picked up for culture.
If your mother picked a terrible husband and you can't trust man.
So a lot of bullshit out there from a lot of terrible stories that's not going to make a good life.
46:55
We have to decode that, fix that.
So what I want to say to the listeners, I want to say, think for yourself.
Forget the culture, forget your teachers who can lean to an agenda.
If your mother made terrible choices, forget that stuff.
47:11
Herb Trauma is not for you to carry.
Think for yourself.
And you know, the feminist movement was all about giving women choices.
You have all the choices, you have all the freedom.
You can do whatever you want.
You proved it for the past 70 years.
You can do whatever you want.
You're amazing, but in a relationship, there's still a more traditional way that works best.
47:28
OK, so I say think for yourselves, ladies, if you wanna be a mom and a wife, right?
Don't let the culture shame you, because they do.
Girl, you're better than me.
Some girl, some guy's slave and kids will ruin your life.
Really, really, nature will build your life.
47:44
Really it's everywhere out there, right?
And man, sweet, sensitive, vulnerable, passive.
You want to be nice guy.
Women say they want nice guys, they do not want nice guys.
Nice guys don't make you feel safe.
Nice guys go in the friend zone.
Nice guys they can't respect.
So I'm not talking about being a douche, I'm talking about being a man with sensitivities.
48:03
Back to the dance.
So think for yourselves.
If you want to be a mom don't tell anybody and go find yourself a man who wants because most traditional man 70% of us still want family and kids and to build legacy.
Men are not commitment phobic.
48:18
So with that, think for yourselves.
48:22
Speaker 3
I do agree.
Think for yourselves.
Yeah.
And just because you've had one failed relationship doesn't mean that there are no good relationships.
And Scott is my second relationship and it's been very scintillating, very exciting.
48:40
Speaker 2
I was just thinking too like with this dance analogy I'm going to use.
This is so wonderful.
They've taught me how to stand my posture, A masculine posture.
48:51
Speaker 1
That's the work to do with men.
48:52
Speaker 2
Yeah, it's masculine and it's refined at the same time.
Yeah.
48:56
Speaker 1
And it was struggling in our culture.
I've been feminized.
They don't know how to be men.
They don't stand like men.
They don't know how to lead like men respectfully, with sensitivity.
They just collapse.
And women are like, we're all the man.
Well, they've been shamed out of being masculine.
You're toxic, you're dangerous.
49:11
You can't be trustworthy.
You're a cheater.
OK, that's not gonna help, right?
But that's the push right now.
It's propaganda like crazy again.
I think it's out to destroy the family system that will destroy the country.
Anyway, back to the happy place.
49:27
My gifts for your listeners.
So I do a lot of podcastings and I do a podcast because I want to spread the hope there is a way ladies to do this.
There's a modern way to do relationships that works, that is fulfilling, that are so frustrating and so combative.
But when I do podcasts, I notice there's two different type listeners and we let the audience qualify themselves.
49:46
There's listeners who come in because what's that masculine, feminine thing they're just starting to poke at?
What's all this about?
They're just kind of intro into the work being curious.
So if you're a information seeker is what I call these people, information seekers are just getting in.
50:01
If you're a lady information seeker, I will a book cuz I sell it on my website.
It's called the five feminine qualities.
High value men find absolutely irresistible.
Ladies, this is my work with men.
This is men speaking.
It's not me.
It's men telling you and it has nothing to do with your height or your hair color or the size of your butt or your master's degrees and none of it fascinating.
50:25
So information seekers, like I said, I sell it on my website.
I'll send it to you directly.
Just e-mail me at Andre, Andre coaching the word coaching, COACHING the number one at Gmail and the topic box.
Just write irresistible book.
50:40
I'll send you a digital copy.
It's 30 pages, lady.
It's a workbook.
You have to write into it.
The other type listeners I notice are action takers, people who residently go.
This guy.
Wait that touch.
OK, so I want more.
If you're more of an actionpersonandrecoaching1@gmail.com and there's a subject box, just write talk.
51:02
Now.
I'll send you a link to my calendar.
Right.
And we're gonna spend an hour doing this.
Your story, your past, why you're stuck.
I do this in about 15 minutes.
In 15 minutes, we realize why you're stuck.
How you get to be in a shape where you can't find a good man or you can't find a good woman.
51:20
Back to childhood, so when you realize in that call that you're not broken, you're just a product of your past, how do we release that?
And then on the other side, what's the life that you want and what's the dream life?
When we fix that and understand gender dynamic and understand men and women, we actually step in to be able to see each other, bring the best out of each other, dance together and create a fulfilling bond.
51:44
That's it.
So if you're an action taker on the go to one talk now, and this is me by the way, like this is there's no pressure.
I'm going to talk to you whether, you know, we'll talk about if you want to step in, but you don't.
I'm just giving you all I got.
I'm trying to bring hope to the world.
So no pressure.
52:01
We'll talk like this about your personal life.
And like I said, for some people, that call alone just sort of changes them because they're not broken that that's a different life right now, whether you step in or not.
So those are my gifts.
What do you think?
52:17
Speaker 3
I think a lot of people are going to want to take advantage of some of those gifts.
Yeah.
I mean, you've got nothing to lose.
Just learn.
52:24
Speaker 1
And especially if you're a trigger, right?
Let me break it.
And if you're not used to this as a woman, you go.
Who the hell is this dude?
I get it.
You may get triggered.
You're going to think I'm judging you.
If you get triggered.
Please, just let me clean it up.
Let me clean it up because you may not.
You may hear something I'm not saying.
And it happens all the time.
52:41
Yeah, we did it today a couple of times.
Yeah.
52:42
Speaker 2
Yeah, let's reach out.
All right.
Thanks for joining us today.
52:46
Speaker 3
Yes, this has been.
52:47
Speaker 2
Nice, what a unique take.
Perspective on masculinity.
Femininity.
Yes, I think this is really fruitful.
It helped me answer personal.
52:55
Speaker 3
Questions providing new perspectives.
52:58
Speaker 1
Disruptors.
52:59
Speaker 2
Yeah.
So everyone, thank you for joining us.
If you have any questions, concerns, comments, complaints, hello at marriageiq.com, we'll be sure to answer you.
We hope that you share this with someone that you feel might need this or want it.
53:16
We'd really, really appreciate it.
Until next time, we'll see you on another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.
53:22
Speaker 1
Thank you guys.
