Episode 123 : Why Saying "I'm Sorry" Too Much Hurts Marriage
Stop Saying “I’m Sorry” So Much
Why Over-Apologizing Is Hurting Your Relationship
We live in a world where “I’m sorry” gets thrown around constantly.
Sorry I’m late.
Sorry I asked.
Sorry I exist.
At first glance, it sounds polite—even kind. But what if saying “I’m sorry” too often is actually doing the opposite? What if it’s quietly eroding respect, blurring responsibility, and creating emotional imbalance in your relationship?
Welcome to the idea of apology inflation—and why it matters more than you think.
When “I’m Sorry” Loses Its Meaning
There was a time when saying “I’m sorry” meant something serious.
You forgot an anniversary.
You broke trust.
You caused real harm.
Today, we use it for everything. It’s become emotional loose change—tossed out in awkward moments, uncomfortable silences, or situations where we simply don’t know what else to say.
But just like money, when you print too much of it, it loses value.
The same thing happens with apologies.
The Hidden Cost of Over-Apologizing
At its core, “I’m sorry” means: I did something wrong.
So what happens when you say it… even when you didn’t?
You start taking responsibility for things that aren’t yours.
It might feel harmless in the moment—a quick way to smooth things over or show you care. But over time, those small moments add up. Like tiny pebbles dropped into a jar, they slowly build into something heavier:
Subtle resentment
Emotional burnout
Confusion about who is responsible for what
A quiet imbalance in the relationship
And the most surprising part? Much of this happens subconsciously.
You may not feel like you’re taking responsibility—but your mind is still keeping score.
Why Women Tend to Apologize More
Research shows that women tend to apologize more often than men. That’s not because they’re weaker or less confident—it’s often because they’re more attuned to social and emotional dynamics.
Women generally:
Pick up on subtle emotional cues
Feel discomfort in unresolved tension more quickly
Experience empathy more intensely
In other words, they notice more—and feel more responsible for smoothing things over.
But there’s a catch.
Being more emotionally aware can lead to over-functioning in a relationship—stepping in, taking responsibility, and trying to fix things that were never yours to carry in the first place.
When “I’m Sorry” Becomes a Placeholder
Sometimes, we don’t say “I’m sorry” because we’ve done something wrong.
We say it because we don’t know what else to say.
Imagine your partner is hurting—deeply upset about something that had nothing to do with you. You feel their pain, and it makes you uncomfortable. You want to help. You want to connect.
So you say, “I’m sorry.”
Not because you caused it—but because you care.
The problem is, “I’m sorry” becomes a placeholder for empathy. And while it sounds supportive, it can actually miss the mark.
What your partner often needs isn’t an apology.
They need to feel seen.
A Better Way to Show Empathy
Instead of defaulting to “I’m sorry,” try using language that reflects understanding—without taking on responsibility.
For example:
“That sounds really hard.”
“I can see why you’d feel that way.”
“I’m here for you.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
These responses do something powerful:
They validate your partner’s feelings without implying that you caused them.
That’s the difference between empathy and responsibility.
The Power of Clear Communication
Researcher Brené Brown puts it simply: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Over-apologizing might feel kind—but if it blurs responsibility, it actually creates confusion.
In a healthy relationship, love doesn’t mean carrying everything for each other.
It means knowing what’s yours—and what isn’t.
A Real-Life Example
Even public figures have struggled with this.
Princess Diana was known to apologize frequently—sometimes for her emotions, sometimes for things outside her control. Over time, those small apologies turned into something heavier, shaping how she saw herself in the relationship.
It’s a powerful reminder: small habits, repeated over time, can reshape how we experience love—and ourselves.
The Balance: Caring Without Over-Carrying
One of the biggest fears people have is this:
“If I stop saying sorry, will I seem cold or uncaring?”
The answer is no—if you replace it with something better.
You can be deeply caring without over-apologizing.
You can:
Sit with your partner’s discomfort without fixing it
Listen without taking over
Support without absorbing responsibility
Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is simply be present.
No fixing. No apologizing. Just being there.
A Simple Shift to Try This Week
If you want to change this pattern, don’t overcomplicate it. Start with awareness.
Ask yourself:
How often do I say “I’m sorry” when I haven’t done anything wrong?
Am I using it to ease discomfort—mine or theirs?
Am I taking responsibility for things that aren’t mine?
Then try a small experiment:
Pause before you apologize.
Ask yourself: What do they actually need right now?
And choose your words intentionally.
Final Thought
A meaningful apology is one of the most powerful tools in a relationship. It repairs trust. It shows humility. It creates connection.
But when overused, it loses its power—and quietly shifts the emotional balance of your relationship.
So don’t stop caring.
Don’t stop empathizing.
Just stop apologizing for things that were never yours to carry.
Because real love isn’t about saying “I’m sorry” all the time.
It’s about being clear, being present, and knowing the difference between empathy and responsibility.
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0:00
Understanding Apology Inflation and Today's Discussion
Heidi, did you know that apologies are experiencing inflation?
0:03
Speaker 2
Apologies too.
Wow, what do you mean by that?
0:06
Speaker 1
It was a big deal for you.
Like that was traumatic.
0:09
Speaker 2
It's still traumatic and it's been like five years.
0:11
Speaker 1
Just thinking about that.
0:13
Speaker 2
It still causes me so much shame hangover.
0:17
Speaker 1
Women apologize more than men because they are more perceptive than men to intricate social interactions like we talked about.
0:24
Speaker 2
She said clear is kind, unclear is unkind.
Sometimes over apologizing feels kind.
But if an apology blurs the responsibility instead of clarifying it, it's actually not kind at all.
0:39
Speaker 1
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
0:45
Speaker 2
I'm Heidi Hastings.
0:47
Speaker 1
And I'm Scott Hastings.
0:48
Speaker 2
We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose, to change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.
1:10
Speaker 1
Heidi, did you know that apologies are experiencing inflation?
1:14
Speaker 2
Apologies too.
Wow, what do you mean by that?
1:18
Speaker 1
Well, back in the day, I'm sorry, meant that you did something serious.
Yeah, that's true.
Like you forgot your anniversary.
1:25
Speaker 2
Or you've crashed the car.
1:28
Speaker 1
Now people apologize for everything, Sorry I breathed too loudly, sorry I asked a question, or sorry I exist.
1:37
Speaker 2
It's kind of like emotional loose changes just thrown around everywhere.
1:41
Speaker 1
And just like currency, when you print too many apologies, they start to lose value.
1:46
Speaker 2
Well, today we're talking about why over apologizing can actually erode respect and emotional clarity in a marriage, and what intelligence spouses do instead.
1:57
Heidi's Conference Trauma and The Impact of Filler Apologies
Yeah, today we're going to be unpacking what we mean by stop apologizing so much so it all makes sense.
By the end of this episode, you'll learn the gender differences in apologizing between men and women, what it means when you really say I'm sorry, how the language of saying I'm sorry can help you or hurt you in your relationship, and how to show empathy and compassion for your spouse without assuming responsibility for their discomfort.
2:28
Speaker 2
You know, this kind of makes me think of my very first academic conference I was supposed to present at, and I'd watched somebody before me present and noticed how clean and shiny her computer was and how my screen was not.
2:49
And I knew she had an apple, and I knew I didn't.
2:51
Speaker 1
This is during COVID so they weren't having in person meetings.
2:55
Speaker 2
That's right, it was all online.
It was.
2:57
Speaker 1
All online.
2:57
Speaker 2
And so I ran into my daughter's closet and got her apple.
And the presentation started and I realized I didn't really know how to use an apple.
And that got me so frustrated.
And I said things that I was embarrassed about.
3:13
And I felt like the hugest failure ever.
I was so, so, so upset.
And it was foolish of me to make big changes to my presentation at the last minute and to use a computer that I didn't know how to use.
And I came to you and you said, I'm so sorry.
3:32
Speaker 1
It was a big deal for you.
Like that was traumatic.
3:35
Speaker 2
It's still traumatic and it's been like five years.
3:38
Speaker 1
Just thinking about that.
3:39
Speaker 2
It still causes me so much shame.
Hangover.
Yes, I kind of appreciated you saying that you're sorry, but maybe it didn't match the intensity of the pain that I was feeling.
3:51
Speaker 1
So I did say I'm sorry because I wanted to be there for you and I didn't know what else to say and I didn't have the words to say.
3:59
Speaker 2
OK.
I think we say that it's a placeholder a lot of time.
4:03
Speaker 1
That is a placeholder saying I'm sorry for something I had nothing to do with, but I could see that you were devastated and I just felt like I needed to say something.
4:14
Speaker 2
Right.
4:14
Speaker 1
So first of all, saying I'm sorry after hurting your spouse is actually really encouraged.
We here at Marriage IQ want to make this very clear that when you hurt your spouse in any way that you apologize.
4:31
It is telling your spouse you are deeply remorseful and you are experiencing a moment of true vulnerability.
4:39
Speaker 2
Well, and I think it's also saying I want to repair something.
4:42
Speaker 1
Right.
You're taking responsibility for that hurt, and that is a must for a scintillating marriage.
4:51
Speaker 2
Absolutely.
4:51
Speaker 1
Take responsibility for the actions that we've done to hurt others.
What we're talking here, though today is about the unnecessary.
I'm sorry's those filler words for an intense, uncomfortable situations.
Let's talk about Heidi, the science of the differences between men and women.
5:10
The Science Behind Gender Differences in Apologizing Habits
This is very interesting when it comes to saying I'm sorry between the sexes.
First of all, who says I'm sorry more?
What would you think?
5:17
Speaker 2
Women, hands down.
5:20
Speaker 1
Hands down, of course, it's the woman, OK?
She has a lower threshold of feeling that she has offended someone else and therefore feels more likely to apologize.
5:30
Speaker 2
OK, So what do you mean by a lower threshold of feeling like she offended somebody else?
Meaning women think just the little things we do are offensive and need to be apologized for, and men are like, that wasn't a big deal so I'm not apologizing.
5:47
Speaker 1
Yes, women tend to look into the interaction with more criticism and realizing that they may have injured someone else or hurt someone else, so therefore they apologized.
5:58
Speaker 2
That mean we're more self aware than men.
6:00
Speaker 1
That's that can mean that.
6:02
Speaker 2
Or less confident.
6:04
Speaker 1
It could be both.
According to a 2010 study by in the Journal of Applied Psychology, women apologize more than men because they are more perceptive than men to intricate social interactions like we talked.
6:18
Speaker 2
About There we go.
We've talked about that before.
6:19
Speaker 1
And in further research, we know why in the brain, women have a larger area in the brain called the anterior cingulate cortex.
This is a very, very important part of the brain that connects between the cognitive processing and emotional regulation.
6:37
And so it's the thinking and the feeling, the coordinating of the thinking and the feeling together.
It is bigger in women.
It is more dense in women.
There are more connections in women than in men.
So because of that, women are more likely to have more empathy.
6:55
They're more likely to feel stronger emotions when viewing others in distress.
7:00
Speaker 2
Interesting.
7:01
Speaker 1
They're more likely to feel social pain, like from rejection.
It's it hurts more in women and they also have a lower tolerance for unresolved tension in a relationship.
7:12
Speaker 2
I would say that's true, but I didn't realize that was a cognitive thing.
7:16
Speaker 1
Well, it's actually an anatomical thing.
7:18
Speaker 2
An anatomical thing.
7:19
Speaker 1
It is larger in women than in men.
This anterior cingulate cortex actually could be considered of the prefrontal cortex.
7:27
Speaker 2
It really explains a lot, doesn't?
7:29
Speaker 1
It it does so women, just by their very brain anatomy, they're more likely to say I'm sorry in a relationship.
It doesn't necessarily mean that men are jerks, they just have these smaller anterior cucingular cortexes.
7:49
Speaker 2
That is not an excuse, it's an explanation.
7:51
How Over-Apologizing Erodes Self-Respect: Princess Diana's Story
That is an explanation.
What did it do to me internally when I said I'm sorry to you, Heidi, when you expressed deep despair over this, flubbed up?
8:04
Speaker 2
Talk What did it do to you or what did it do to me?
8:08
Speaker 1
Well, I'll tell you what it did to me.
8:10
Speaker 2
Because I don't know what it did to you.
Go ahead, tell me.
8:13
Speaker 1
Taking responsibility for something I didn't do because I felt uncomfortable seeing you suffer.
I wanted to take away part of that pain, or I was uncomfortable with seeing you uncomfortable.
8:28
And saying I'm sorry actually sends a message to myself when I say it to my own mind that I'm actually responsible for what happened.
After all the words again, I'm sorry have meaning to them.
8:44
Speaker 2
Okay, so you actually by saying that felt responsible for my pain and suffering.
8:51
Speaker 1
In a very very very minute amount.
8:55
Speaker 2
Did you even recognize that?
No.
OK.
But you're saying to me that when we do that, those add up over time?
Yes, over time, over time, over time to create imbalances of power or taking responsibility for things that aren't really ours.
9:12
Speaker 1
Right.
Not necessarily imbalances of power, although it can lead there, I think.
But yes, marital discord, and for reasons we don't know, we don't know, it's all flying under the radar screen.
It's like.
9:25
Speaker 2
Subconscious, one at a time, little, tiny, building up little.
9:28
Speaker 1
Teeny tiny.
9:29
Speaker 2
Yeah, instances of taking responsibility for things that are.
9:34
Speaker 1
Microscopic.
Interesting.
And I take it on the chin just a teeny little bit because the words I'm sorry mean that I have done something to you, whether it's conscious or subconscious.
And that affects me as a person and it adds up over time.
9:52
Speaker 2
You know, that makes me think of Princess Diana, the Princess of Wales.
9:56
Speaker 1
Back in the 1980s.
9:58
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Early in her marriage to Prince Charles, she was reported to have really been apologetic a lot.
She'd be apologetic for her emotional reactions, like if she was starting to get teary or crying.
Or she'd apologize for being too sensitive about things.
10:16
And she'd apologized that she was drawing away attention from the royal family, that people were paying attention to her and not them.
And eventually, she even started to make apologies for when she felt the distance between herself and Prince Charles when they were having marital problems.
10:34
She would take on all that responsibility herself.
So maybe exactly like you're saying, she started out with those smaller things like shoving down her emotions and, you know, feeling it was her responsibility for a lot of the things that were happening within the royal family, where really she was just there.
10:53
She was a part of it.
It's OK to feel emotions, but eventually she started feeling like it was more and more and more her responsibility.
11:01
Speaker 1
Right.
She was taking this on this baggage, this emotional, psychological baggage, even though it was 1 little feather at a time.
11:10
Speaker 2
Very fascinating.
11:11
Showing Empathy Without Responsibility: The "Unmitigated Communion" Trap
But Doctor Hastings, I don't agree with you.
I quite like saying I'm sorry to my spouse when they're in the depths of despair.
I feel better and they feel better, so they're OK.
You do you.
But when that moment arrives, when you start asking yourself why you are the only one who is always apologizing in your relationship and your spouse never seems to be reciprocating, come back and listen to this episode again.
11:39
We'll still be here.
Leave a comment.
What do you think, folks?
Is it OK?
Does it not matter?
Do you feel like there's no emotional baggage tied to the words I'm sorry when you didn't do anything wrong?
Let us know.
And taking responsibility for something I didn't do because I feel uncomfortable seeing you suffer.
11:57
I should have said something like, after hearing your perspective on what happened, I can see why you're so upset.
12:05
Speaker 2
I think that would have felt much more comforting to me than just saying I'm sorry.
12:12
Speaker 1
You know those words can show empathy and compassion without actually saying the words.
I'm sorry.
12:16
Speaker 2
Right, I like that better.
12:18
Speaker 1
I could also say, jeez, that is really awful.
That must really be hard on you.
I'm here for you.
12:25
Speaker 2
Oh, I love that addition of I'm here for you.
Yeah, do.
12:28
Speaker 1
You want to talk and then listen intently, eyes locked.
And you know, sometimes you don't even need to use words.
You just listen.
Focus listening, use your low FMDJ voice, empathic listening.
Don't take their discomfort on personally.
12:45
This reminds me of this the movie you talked about, Princess Diana.
I'm going to talk about Meet the parents.
Yes, meet the parents.
12:55
Speaker 2
One of your top three?
12:56
Speaker 1
No, I don't know.
I have so many favorites.
Look, let's Greg Focker is dating Pam Burns very seriously.
Greg and Pam are visiting Pam's parents while rehearsing wedding activities for Pam's sister Deborah.
Greg is having a really hard time fitting into Pam's family.
13:13
He's trying so hard to make a good impression during a water volleyball game.
Greg wants so hard to please his team by spiking the ball.
Unfortunately, he spikes that ball into the face of Deborah, the bride to be, thus creating an A suing bloody chaos that occurs when volleyballs meet nasal bones at 50 miles an hour.
13:34
Deb's mom, fully dressed and sitting at the side of the pool, jumps all in to attend to her suffering child in need.
13:42
Speaker 2
Only a mom would do that.
13:43
Speaker 1
Only something a mom would do.
All her clothes are because she's not going to play water volleyball.
But what if she didn't jump in?
What if she sat?
Just sat there?
13:52
Speaker 2
Her husband to be probably would have taken care of her.
13:55
Speaker 1
So I can see a lot of people saying, well, I don't want to look like I don't care to my spouse, to my child, to my whoever it is, I don't want to look like I don't care.
So where do we find the balance in all this?
How do I balance looking like I care but not taking it too far and not taking upon myself the responsibility?
14:20
After all, we are two incredibly different people coming together as one of life's big paradoxes or cruelest jokes, depending on your perspective.
In a large study by Horn and Impet in the Journal of Family Psychology, over 1700 couples showed that what is called unmitigated communion.
14:41
There's a term for everything out there.
14:44
Speaker 2
What does that mean?
14:45
Speaker 1
Unmitigated community.
That's the equivalent of an emotional taking one for the team in a marriage.
Like we talked about earlier, the little tiny feathers that don't seem like they weigh anything overtime, overtime, over and over and over and over, it led to lower marital satisfaction and emotional burnout.
15:05
In other words, when you say I'm sorry over everything that goes wrong for the for your spouse.
15:12
Speaker 2
Or in your family.
15:14
Speaker 1
You take these, as we said before, these little microscopic hits to your emotional well-being and yourself esteem.
I'm sorry, actually means I did something wrong.
15:24
Legal, Psychological, and Relational Clarity of Apologies
Whether you consciously know it or not, you certainly subconsciously know it, and that does add.
15:29
Speaker 2
Up you know, in Canada this is such an issue that they actually have passed laws to protect people who say they're sorry.
Kidding.
They have just this culture of everything.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
15:45
Well, they've found that some people take that as you're admitting responsibility for it, and so they'll sue them for whatever it is they said they were sorry about.
Yeah.
And I was thinking about a Fender Bender I had one time.
I was driving on a right of way and a car kind of T boned into the sight of me coming out of Whataburger.
16:07
And we got out of the car and I said I was sorry.
And eventually we had to go to some kind of a little.
16:15
Speaker 1
Mediation.
16:16
Speaker 2
Mediation thing I didn't mean.
I'm sorry, it's my fault, but that is what I said.
But from the pictures and from where I was hit, it was her that hit me.
It wasn't me that hit her.
Eventually I wasn't held responsible.
But in Canada, they have had to pass laws called the Ontario Apology Act to protect people who say they're sorry from being actually.
16:39
Speaker 1
Held responsible.
I'm sorry so much in Canada.
16:42
Speaker 2
And again, when we say it so much, it does lose the depth of its meaning, and we have to be careful.
16:49
Speaker 1
And each time you say it meaning meaninglessly, it's still like a little counter in your psyche and it adds up.
16:57
Speaker 2
But I think it's also important to acknowledge that it's often people who struggle with their self esteem who are saying I'm sorry so often, yes.
17:07
Speaker 1
If saying I'm sorry is functioning as reassurance or accommodation, not just empathy, it may inadvertently contribute to a cycle where the anxious partners distress increasingly governs the other partners emotion and their daily functioning.
17:26
If saying I'm sorry is functioning as reassurance or accommodation, not just empathy, it may unknowingly contribute to a cycle where the stress in the anxious spouse increasingly starts to govern or control the other spouses emotions.
17:45
So you kind of get into this recurrent cycle every day.
That's kind of a downward cycle.
17:50
Speaker 2
Brené Brown had a quote that I really like that I think might make this a little more understandable, she said.
Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.
Sometimes over apologizing feels kind.
But if an apology blurs the responsibility instead of clarifying it, it's actually not kind at all.
18:09
Because in a great marriage, love doesn't mean that you have to carry everything.
It means being honest about what's yours and what isn't.
18:16
Speaker 1
I love that because it really helps kind of which we talked about on this podcast about being a strong and yet flexible identity, a strong flexible self.
And that comes into the whole idea of being having our boundaries and being able to adjust those boundaries.
18:34
I still need to be responsible for me.
I'm responsible for myself.
I'm not responsible for you, but I can empathize with you.
I can show true connection, intimacy, and empathy without taking on the responsibility of the bad thing that you did or the bad thing that happened to you.
18:55
Learning Better Language: Ginsburg's Wisdom & The Nail Video
And what we're showing here today is that it does matter.
Words matter.
19:02
Speaker 2
Yeah, I think about when we have little children and our little child bumps into somebody and we'll say tell them you're sorry, tell them you're sorry.
But I don't think that's what we really mean.
It was an accident.
It's not something they meant to do.
19:18
I think that what they're really trying to say is I didn't mean to hurt you.
That's clarifying.
I see that I did hurt you, which is taking responsibility and saying are you OK?
Those are really the things that we're trying to say, and it's OK to apologize, but I think we're missing out when that's the only part of what we're saying.
19:41
We're missing the teaching our children.
We're taking responsibility and we're being clear about what we're saying.
19:48
Speaker 1
More language lessons.
19:49
Speaker 2
Yeah, in marriage, it's the same way, like we're expanding the vocabulary, expanding the narratives to be more clear about what it is truly that we're saying.
20:00
Speaker 1
Yeah, just as simple.
I can see how this hurts you.
Or I'm here for you.
I want to listen to you.
What do you have to say?
What's your story?
Tell me.
20:08
Speaker 2
Like that a.
20:08
Speaker 1
Lot and I don't have to take any responsibility for that.
It helps keep US healthy.
20:13
Speaker 2
So I think one rule that we could set for ourselves when we're becoming more aware of constant apologizing would be know when it is that we've sincerely made a mistake that we need to apologize for, Know when we're expressing empathy, and know when we're trying to repair and build something that maybe we have compromised.
20:38
Here's kind of a little interesting tidbit for you.
OK?
Did you know that Ruth Bader Ginsburg before she got married?
20:45
Speaker 1
So Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a former US Supreme Court justice.
Yes.
She's passed away now.
20:51
Speaker 2
Yes, and she said the best marriage advice she ever got was from her mother-in-law.
When she first got married, her mother-in-law told her that every good marriage requires a good spouse to be a little bit deaf.
21:08
Speaker 1
Deaf.
21:09
Speaker 2
Deaf, not to be dismissive, not to be defensive, and this is a Supreme Court Justice, not to stand up for the law, for what's right and what's wrong, but to be a little bit deaf.
And earlier in her marriage also, she really tended to apologize for things a lot.
21:26
She especially apologized for emotional moments.
And she realized that instead of reacting to everything through blame, defensiveness, whatever it is, or.
21:37
Speaker 1
Attending to every emotional need of their.
21:39
Speaker 2
Spouse and taking responsibility for everything that was going on with her spouse.
She just needed to turn a deaf ear.
21:47
Speaker 1
Be like So this gets back to I don't want to be an uncaring spouse, though, my love.
I don't want to look like and I don't want to be uncaring to you.
21:59
Speaker 2
Well and women have have the genetic predisposition to be very caring also and to nurture and we don't want people to feel hurt or uncomfortable.
22:10
Speaker 1
So I guess we're back to the beginning.
How do we balance this?
22:14
Speaker 2
We balance it through awareness.
22:17
Speaker 1
So we take a step back, right, and maybe just let it pass.
22:22
Speaker 2
Turn a deaf.
22:23
Speaker 1
Not attend right in the moment to every single negative emotion that your spouse may.
22:28
Speaker 2
Have I don't have to fix it?
I don't have to fix.
22:31
Speaker 1
Not your responsibility like I.
22:33
Speaker 2
Learned to sit in discomfort.
22:34
Speaker 1
Sit in a little discomfort and then come back and talk.
22:38
Speaker 2
This reminds me of the nail in the head.
Remember that little short on?
22:42
Speaker 1
YouTube.
It's called All About the Nail.
We'll.
22:44
Speaker 2
Put the link in.
Do you remember that?
Yes, the.
22:47
Speaker 1
Woman had the nail in her head and her husband was trying to say there's a nail in your head, let's take it out.
And she did not want to talk about taking a nail out.
She just wanted to talk about her headaches and how she feels this pain.
And he finally says that must be so hard for you.
23:05
And she said thank you.
I don't.
23:07
Speaker 2
Recall him saying I'm sorry, but I'm sorry.
Wouldn't have been what she needed either.
Yeah.
What did he say?
23:15
Speaker 1
That must be really hard for you.
And she said, oh, thank you.
And then they went to kiss and then the nail hit him in the head.
And then it's on YouTube all about the nail.
It's funny.
It's about like 2 minutes long or something.
23:27
Practical Steps and Marriage iQ Cornerstones for Better Communication
So everyone, this has been, I think really great food for thought this week.
What can you do as an individual this week or.
23:33
Speaker 2
Notice of how often you're saying I'm sorry for things that you're not really sorry for.
23:38
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Just take notice of that, how often you say it.
And then ask yourself, am I the only one doing the apologizing in this relationship or am I apologizing more than my spouse and is it warranted?
Am I responsible for creating that hurt each time I apologize?
23:56
Or am I just trying to sound supportive without really meaning it?
Or am I over functioning for my spouse?
Could it be that I really care about my spouse but lack the language, the words to use in which to respond?
So yeah, just do a little self check, a little audit on your apologizing this week.
24:15
And as a couple, what can you do this week?
Have a couples count?
Discuss together what supportive words might look like that don't involve the words I'm sorry, when no responsibility is needed to be taken.
So how can you get creative in your use of words when you're supporting your spouse in their discomfort?
24:34
Leave a comment What kind of words do you use in your relationship?
And sometimes maybe you don't even need to use words at all, just be there.
So how do these apply to our four cornerstones today?
So first, identity, you know, we kind of have to know who we are, right?
24:51
Again, we're helping to define ourselves, to define who we are so that we can function with self-confidence in a relationship, right?
Intentionality sitting with ourselves, with our spouse and planning having that meeting.
25:08
Hey, I'm setting aside this time to think about this and I think today to really we hit on inside a lot just that self reflection that challenging ourself that maybe I feel like I'm apologizing so much, but I don't really need to.
25:23
And having those frank and really honest vulnerable conversations with their spouse.
And then lastly, intimacy.
Of course, that is what happens when you have the magic, when you meet together and two are greater than one and you come up with solutions that work in your marriage for each other.
25:45
Speaker 2
Hello everybody, thanks for joining us this week.
We hope that you found some things that help you be self reflective and look at your own life.
We hope you'll join us in our next episode of Marriage IQ.
