Episode 128: What Amish Marriages Teach Us About Lasting Love
Lessons From a Life Without Modern Distractions
What Amish Marriages Can Teach Us About Commitment in a Distracted World
Most couples today don’t struggle because they don’t love each other.
They struggle because they’re exhausted. Overstimulated. Constantly distracted. And trying to build deep emotional connection in a world that quietly pulls them apart.
That’s one of the central reflections shared in a conversation with Enos Hershberger, who grew up Amish in a highly conservative community in rural Minnesota and later chose to leave. His perspective offers a rare window into a world where divorce is uncommon, commitment is assumed, and marriage is shaped by structure rather than constant choice.
And while his experience is not perfect or without complexity, it raises an uncomfortable question for modern relationships:
What changes when distraction disappears and commitment becomes the default?
A Life Built Without Modern Distractions
Enos grew up on an Amish farm, one of 13 children, in a life shaped by strict cultural boundaries.
No smartphones. No internet. Very limited exposure to modern media. Even photography and video were heavily restricted.
Music, for example, wasn’t casually accessible. Something as simple as listening to country songs as a child carried emotional weight—enjoyment mixed with guilt, because it existed outside the boundaries of what was allowed.
Technology wasn’t just absent; it was intentionally restricted to protect the community from outside influence.
From his perspective, that separation created a very different environment for relationships—especially marriage.
Dating in the Amish Community: Structure Over Romance
Modern dating is often framed as choice-driven, emotionally expressive, and individualistic.
In Enos’s Amish upbringing, dating was structured, communal, and tightly regulated.
Young people couldn’t casually date. At around 16 or 17, youth entered a stage where pairing became possible—but still guided heavily by community involvement.
Even getting together wasn’t private or informal in the modern sense. Friends and community members often played a role in introducing or arranging interactions. Social events like “singings,” where young people gathered to sing and socialize, were key moments where relationships formed.
There was little room for prolonged ambiguity or casual dating culture. Relationships moved toward commitment relatively quickly once mutual interest was established.
Commitment as the Foundation of Marriage
If there is one word that defines Amish marriage culture from Enos’s perspective, it is this:
Commitment.
Marriage is not framed as something constantly renegotiated based on emotional highs and lows. It is understood as a lifelong covenant.
Once a couple marries, separation is not viewed as an option in normal circumstances. That expectation alone shapes behavior, expectations, and endurance within the relationship.
But Enos is careful not to romanticize it completely.
He also acknowledges a difficult truth: strong commitment does not automatically equal emotional health, communication skills, or mutual respect.
Some couples stay together while lacking tools for healthy emotional connection. In some cases, there can even be unaddressed harm within relationships that remains hidden due to cultural structure.
Still, the commitment itself is deeply ingrained—and powerful.
What Happens When Technology Is Removed?
One of the most striking reflections from the conversation is how modern technology changes the landscape of marriage.
Enos observes that today’s world offers constant access to distractions and temptations—especially through phones, social media, and dating platforms.
From his perspective, this creates an environment where emotional dissatisfaction can quickly turn into comparison, escape, or replacement.
In contrast, the Amish structure limits those external options. That restriction doesn’t eliminate struggle, but it does reduce the number of “escape routes” available when marriage becomes difficult.
Instead of turning outward, couples are more likely to face internal challenges directly.
Gender Roles and Daily Life Structure
Another defining aspect of Amish marriage culture is role clarity.
Traditionally, men are providers and women are homemakers. These roles are not typically negotiated in the modern sense—they are assumed and culturally reinforced.
While that structure may feel restrictive from an outside perspective, Enos shares that it also reduces ambiguity around expectations. Each partner understands their primary responsibilities within the family system.
Interestingly, he and his wife—both now outside the Amish community—still found themselves leaning toward a similar structure, though by choice rather than obligation.
For them, it wasn’t about enforcing tradition. It was about aligning roles with strengths, preferences, and family needs.
The Missing Piece: Emotional Connection
One of the most important critiques Enos offers is not about commitment—but about emotional expression.
In his upbringing, affection and emotional communication were not commonly modeled. Even something as simple as parental affection was rare to observe.
As a result, many individuals leave the Amish community with strong values of loyalty and endurance—but limited experience in emotional intimacy, verbal affection, or relational expression.
This creates a gap that must often be learned later in life.
Enos describes intentionally becoming more affectionate and emotionally present with his own children, something he didn’t naturally receive growing up.
A Difficult but Honest Perspective on Modern Marriage
From outside the Amish world, Enos sees a different challenge.
Modern relationships often offer too many choices and too many exits. When conflict arises, it can become easier to imagine a different partner rather than doing the internal work required in the current one.
This doesn’t mean modern marriage is weaker—but it does mean it requires different discipline.
Not just commitment to another person, but commitment to staying present through discomfort.
What We Can Learn Without Copying the System
The goal is not to idealize or replicate Amish culture.
It is to extract something valuable from it.
From this conversation, one principle stands out clearly:
Marriage strengthens when people stay with the challenge long enough to grow through it instead of escaping it.
That doesn’t mean staying in harmful situations. It means recognizing that not every moment of tension is a signal to exit—it is often a signal to look inward.
Final Reflection
Every culture shapes marriage differently.
Some through technology. Some through tradition. Some through freedom. Some through structure.
The Amish perspective, as shared by Enos Hershberger, highlights something modern couples often lose in the noise:
Commitment is not just a feeling. It is a decision that shapes how two people respond when things get hard.
And sometimes, the strongest relationships are not the ones without struggle—but the ones where both people stay long enough to be changed by it.
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0:00
Unpacking Lasting Love with Enos Hershberger
Let's be honest, most couples today aren't struggling with marriage because they don't love each other.
0:07
Speaker 2
They're failing because they're exhausted.
They're disconnected.
They're trying to build intimacy in a culture that's pulling them apart.
0:14
Speaker 3
There's a lot of things within the Amish community the outside world doesn't get to see because it's so closed off.
Like we don't believe in using phone most cases.
We don't believe in using modern technology like video.
I remember the first time listening to country songs at like 5 years old and I just remember feeling so guilty but yet enjoying it so much.
0:38
I look at the modern culture now and see all the tools that are available to go cheat on your wife.
It's devastating to our marriages.
0:50
Speaker 2
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
0:56
Speaker 1
I'm Heidi Hastings.
0:57
Speaker 2
And I'm Scott Hastings.
0:59
Speaker 1
We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose, to change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence.
1:15
Speaker 3
Mixed.
1:15
Speaker 1
With a little fun.
1:21
Speaker 2
Hello, everyone, welcome back to Marriage IQ.
You know, Heidi, on this podcast, we have intelligence spouses wanting to learn how to be just more alive.
We've used a lot of words on this program.
Scintillate intelligence Today, I think perspective comes to mind.
1:40
Speaker 1
Well, today we're stepping into a completely different world.
1:43
Speaker 2
A world where divorce is rare, community comes before comfort, and marriage isn't about me.
It's about becoming.
1:51
Speaker 1
That's right, And we're talking today with an Amish man who grew up inside a culture that's been quietly building lifelong marriages for many generations.
2:00
Speaker 2
Yeah, we're asking these questions most of us are afraid to ask.
What does a successful marriage really look like when you remove all these modern distractions?
2:09
Speaker 1
People who don't use smartphones, who don't date in a traditional way that a lot of us have, and who sometimes don't even have electricity.
Let's be honest, most couples today aren't struggling with marriage because they don't love each other.
2:28
Speaker 2
They're failing because they're exhausted.
They're disconnected.
They're trying to build intimacy in a culture that's pulling them apart.
2:35
Speaker 1
And believe us, this is the story of our life.
Sometimes we are not immune from this, even though we talk about marriage all the time.
But by the end of this episode, we hope that both you and we won't just see Amish marriages differently, but we'll see our own marriages differently.
2:52
Commitment & Life After Leaving Amish Community
So welcome, Enos Hershberger.
Enos, we're so happy to have you with us today.
2:58
Speaker 3
Thank you for having me on.
It's such an honor to be with you guys and to be able to just hear a little bit of Amish perspective on marriage that's.
3:06
Speaker 1
Wonderful.
We've been looking forward to this for a few months.
I met Enos at a conference a couple of months ago, but E Nos grew up Amish in one of the most conservative communities in southern Minnesota.
He's been married to his wife for 13 years and is very busy raising five children and building businesses that are built in People First values.
3:27
He loves real conversations, community, and connecting to others through story, faith, and life experiences, so we are really looking forward to hearing some of his perspectives and stories well.
3:39
Speaker 3
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
That's quite the introduction.
Greatly appreciate that.
3:44
Speaker 1
If you had 10 seconds to describe what makes an Amish marriage successful and different, what would you say?
3:52
Speaker 3
Yeah, I'd say just the commitment to one another, that's a pretty strong thing in the Amish community, so.
3:59
Speaker 2
10 seconds.
4:02
Speaker 3
Wow.
4:03
Speaker 2
That's a lot of pressure on you.
4:06
Speaker 3
Hey, that's great.
You got to get right to the point.
You know, if I I could use one word to describe the Amish.
Marriage is its commitment for sure.
4:15
Speaker 2
I love that Dina's tell us a little bit about you.
I mean, you were born into this Amish community, right?
4:20
Speaker 3
OK, yeah, I'd love to share that.
Yeah, I grew up in rural Minnesota.
We started out on a farm, small farm, consider, but big farm for Amish because everything's done with horses and and buggies and, you know, draft horses for applying.
4:36
So we had about 120 acres, I believe, to start out with.
And I was second, the youngest out of 13, my three oldest brothers.
Unfortunately, I never got to meet them.
That passed in the house fire.
And I can expand on that later on.
But but yeah, I grew up in in rural Minnesota, like I said, on an Amish farm, milking cows by hand.
4:56
And, you know, I, I tell all kinds of stories to my kids now because it was really, really difficult.
Although, you know, growing up that way as a kid, you didn't really think much of it other than you look to people from the outside and say, well, man, it'd be great if I could live like them.
5:13
And that's ultimately I ended up getting out.
But yeah, I just really looked at the the neighbors and the people around us that we're not driving horses and buggies.
And I thought, man, like, they have it so nice and they have it so easy.
Obviously, as you guys know, once you get out into the real world, it's not all that it's cracked up to be.
5:34
Speaker 1
So you mentioned getting out.
Do you want to tell us a little bit about about that and are you still practicing Amish faith and culture traditions at all or tell us a little bit about that journey?
5:46
Speaker 3
Yeah, I do a podcast as well where we talk a lot about the Amish culture and getting out.
And a lot of people are confused about what do you mean getting out?
Like, why would you ever want to leave the Amish?
And my answer to that is there's a lot of things within the Amish community the outside world doesn't get to see because it's so closed off.
6:06
Like we don't believe in using phone most cases we don't believe in using modern technology like video.
They don't want any videos or photos.
All the photos that I have of myself were done in secret when I was a kid.
So there is a lot of that where we, you know, growing up, we would bring in radios, we would hide them from our parents.
6:27
We live in secret.
I remember the first time listening to country songs that like 5 years old and I just remember feeling so guilty but yet enjoying it so much because I love music and we were just not allowed to participate in it.
Then I had to keep that secret for the rest of my life until I left, you know, because I couldn't talk to my parents about it.
6:49
And the way they deal with that is if they do catch you listening to music, like they would make me take the radio and throw it in the woods still, which, you know, we burn wood all the time, so it would burn very quickly.
7:03
Speaker 2
Wow.
7:04
Speaker 3
That's all they have.
7:05
Speaker 2
I never thought of listening to country music Is Guilty a pleasure?
That is a new one for me.
7:12
Speaker 3
I mean, you can listen to Jesus music and they still frown about this.
Really.
Yeah, for sure.
It's it's a very structured way of living is the way that I like to explain it.
It's a great way of living if someone doesn't mind hard work and going back into the 1930s or something like that.
7:33
Exploring the Awkward Reality of Amish Dating Rituals
If music was forbidden, tell me why dating was like.
Did you have dating?
Was it different than modern dating?
7:42
Speaker 3
That was a great question too.
It was quite different.
I will say I am not a huge fan of Amish dating, but I did date in the Amish community.
I didn't date my current wife.
We met after we both had left the Amish community, even though we were both Amish.
7:58
We met outside the Amish community, but I dated one girl inside the Amish community.
And the way that works is when you're 16 1/2 growing up in the sports and trooper community, which is what it called in our the way that I live like sports and trooper Amish, they're the most conservative Amish.
8:17
And so the way they have their dating structures, at 16 1/2, you joined the youth and then you began to be available for dating.
I guess up until that point, you cannot date.
You're not allowed to date.
You may have a secret crush, but you and your crush don't talk.
8:33
The dating is really, really awkward.
So it's mostly put together by people within the community.
So let's say I have a crush on the neighbor's daughter and we're not related.
Then and.
8:48
Speaker 1
We're not.
That's important.
8:50
Speaker 3
Too, we're not related.
There's a lot of related people that get married.
I will just say that it's kind of it's kind of weird and I'm so thankful that didn't happen to me.
That's one thing that people like to comment.
9:06
So are you married to your cousin?
I'm not aware that I'm married too much.
I said I have 5:00 kids at this point, if I was married to my cousin, I guess I just have to live with it.
But no, it it is kind of an awkward thing.
And then maybe my best friends, as a guy best friend would figure out, hey, like I have a crush on this girl and if he's a really good friend, he would say, hey, would you like for me to go talk to her and see if she's interested in you?
9:35
That's how it's handled.
9:37
Speaker 1
That sounds pretty normal for other cultures.
For modern, maybe a little younger than 16 1/2 a lot of times, but.
9:46
Speaker 3
Yeah.
And I can expand on that.
It's not quite as hot in your eyes that like he may go talk to her, but then at that point, if she's somewhat interested, then a group of maybe her friends or just a group of guys in general within the church.
10:02
They would then pair you 2 together and they'd make a whole big scene out of it.
So like they, they bring me to her house, she stays at her house and then they put you in bed and a lot of times just for a stunt, they'll take the bed sheet and tie us together like.
10:20
Speaker 1
For a first date.
10:21
Speaker 2
Wait, who does this?
10:22
Speaker 3
For a first date, Red, it's like you're hearing us for the first this time.
It's probably not explained in this way anywhere else online that I'm aware of.
Wait.
10:32
Speaker 2
This is sanctioned by the Amish community.
OK, that is interesting.
That's.
10:39
Speaker 3
Why we have such a strong bond when we actually do get married?
Just think about that.
God I.
10:44
Speaker 2
Hear you, man.
10:46
Speaker 3
No, that is the sort of awkward part of it that I'm explaining because if I wasn't like super into this girl in the beginning, just imagine, you know, that scene where you're stuck with a girl that I'm not even sure that I like.
11:01
And that did happen to me once.
Not the girl that I dated, but another girl that they were trying to pair me up with.
And I almost jumped out of his three story window because I'm like, you guys are ridiculous.
Like this is this is not OK.
11:13
Speaker 1
So they tie you together and then what?
Do you just sit and talk?
11:17
Speaker 3
At that point, it's oh, that, yeah, that is a great question.
11:21
Speaker 2
Or if I like the girl, I'd probably want to, I mean.
11:25
Speaker 3
Jeez, if you like the girl, hey like tying together is the best thing that can happen to you.
Even if you like the girl, most times the guys, they pretend like they want to resist just to bring more.
I don't know.
11:38
Speaker 2
Oh, they want tension in it.
11:40
Speaker 3
Yeah, they want tension and absolutely forbidden to have sex, absolutely not encourage the kiss.
Like those are two things that are that are buried.
11:51
Speaker 2
Together buy bed sheets in a bed.
11:54
Speaker 3
That's fine.
11:56
Speaker 2
Wow.
11:57
Speaker 3
Explain that one.
11:58
Speaker 2
I am learning a lot.
11:59
Speaker 1
But with no romantic music going on.
12:02
Speaker 3
No, no, no.
There, that's silent.
I mean, you start.
12:06
Speaker 1
Singing to her or what?
12:09
Speaker 3
No, at that point, you're you're, yeah, you're just listening to all the the crickets.
And I mean, it's that silent.
What would?
12:20
Speaker 1
A second day look like.
12:23
Speaker 3
So second date is actually completely different in terms of you like the girl, you just show up at her house 2 weeks later.
So you just show up and the girl may be up waiting, anticipating that the guy's going to show up.
12:42
And if the guy didn't like the girl, he's never even going to announce it, but he's just not going to show up.
12:48
Speaker 2
And it's two weeks devastating.
Not one week.
12:53
Speaker 3
Two weeks, every two weeks, yeah, that, that you get to go on what's called like an actual date, the week in between.
So churches every two weeks.
So they have singing every two weeks.
The youth.
13:08
Speaker 1
Gatherings.
13:09
Speaker 3
So like a singing would be where the youth gather together.
And if you've ever seen that video where there's a bunch of Amish people sitting around singing, you may not have seen that, but you can.
You could check that out on YouTube.
There's some on there, but they just sit and sing.
13:25
It's all in almost perfect harmony.
It's actually really beautiful.
It's very touching.
But most of the times that's where you like put eyes on a girl.
You go to a singing like you see a girl that you really like and then that's where it starts within the singings because it's a youth gathering.
13:45
So that gives you another opportunity to see your girl, maybe not go on a date with her, but like at least you get to see her.
13:53
Speaker 1
Put your eyes on her as you said.
13:55
Speaker 3
Yeah, but yeah, I saw her.
13:59
Speaker 1
So how does an Amish couple then decide to get married?
14:03
Commitment, Shunning, and Delineated Amish Roles
How many dates do you go on?
How long do you date before you decide to get married?
14:07
Speaker 3
It varies that it can go from six months to two years, generally speaking, even maybe a little bit longer.
But most of the time I meet a girl at 1617 years old, I'm going to make plans with her to get married pretty quickly because it takes a while.
14:27
Like we may have to both join the church, complete that, and then be a member of the church, not getting any kind of trouble so that you're not held up in membership and then you become members.
And then after you're both members and you're not getting in trouble, meaning breaking any rules that would get you shunned, then you can announce that, hey, we're going to get married.
14:53
And at that point, the girl's parents would plan the wedding.
The wedding's normally at the girl's parents house, and it's a pretty big ordeal.
It's a big wedding.
15:04
Speaker 1
I want to know what would get you shunned.
Well.
15:06
Speaker 2
He's saying breaking the rules here.
I'm assuming.
I'm just going out on a limb here and assuming that part of these breaking rules is having premarital sex.
15:15
Speaker 3
Oh, for sure.
15:16
Speaker 2
OK.
So, but my assumption is there are probably many people out there who've had premarital sex in the Amish community, but then we're very, very silent about that.
15:33
Speaker 3
You know, like probably 99% of them.
15:36
Speaker 1
Wait, what?
What percent?
15:39
Speaker 3
Maybe 99.
I don't know.
I I don't know.
15:44
Speaker 2
Human nature, my love chemistry.
15:47
Speaker 1
We believed in not having premarital sex.
15:50
Speaker 2
Right.
We didn't.
Yes, we did not.
But I mean, he's right.
You put 2/16/17 year olds together.
15:58
Speaker 1
In a bed tied together.
15:59
Speaker 3
In a bed.
Yeah, I and and not to like sidetrack too much, but this is exactly what my mom got excommunicated because she started reading the Bible more in depth and realized this is the sin and we're actually putting our youth into this and and they excommunicated her for it.
16:19
Speaker 1
For speaking out about.
16:20
Speaker 2
For about putting him in bed the first date.
16:23
Speaker 3
Yes, wow.
16:24
Speaker 1
Wow, so is she still out of the Amish faith as well?
16:30
Speaker 3
So my mom, she did get out like she wasn't a part of the church anymore.
I mean, she's since passed, so she's obviously not with us anymore, but she's smiling from having me doing this area because, yeah, she was married for 54 years to my dad and it, yeah, quite a spicy marriage for sure.
16:53
Speaker 1
I see in a good way or in a bad way, that's.
16:56
Speaker 3
About, you know, there's, they had a lot around here today.
Very, very entertaining.
17:02
Speaker 1
So once a couple decides that they're getting married and they make that decision when they're like 16 1/2 or 17 or so, is it a decision that's made for love, for passion, for duty, for faith, compatibility?
17:18
I mean, do they really know each other well?
17:20
Speaker 2
Arrangement.
17:21
Speaker 1
Yeah, what?
What is it?
17:22
Speaker 3
Yeah, that's a really good question.
I would say that a lot of the marriages, they do genuinely love each other and they do get married to be committed to one another.
And that is one thing within the Amish community when they do get married and they make that commitment, it's basically, you know, they see it as like there is no option for separation ever.
17:50
Although in most cases that works out well.
There are some cases where, you know, the partner may get abused.
And it's a sad, it's a really sad case.
But I'd say overall it's a really, really, really good thing because the commitment level within the Amish marriage unlike anything you see especially nowadays.
18:13
How Removing Distractions Strengthens Amish Marriages
Do you think that dialing back from all the modern conveniences plays a role in that?
18:20
Speaker 3
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
I found that since I left at age 19, my wife left at age we being outside the Amish community, so to speak, and participating in a lot of the modern conveniences.
Although we do some stuff just because the way we grew up and we recognize like, hey, it's better to not have ATV, It's better to try to minimize using technology all the time or sometimes do stuff that inconvenience with our lives.
18:51
And I think that is a huge piece of it in the community because they just don't have TV and they don't have all the distractions.
It's pretty romantic actually to take a ride in a horse and buggy and cuddle up to each other whenever it's really cold outside and you're almost freezing.
19:08
And so there's some of those things are built in and some of the Amish recognizes some of them.
Don't you know some of them?
It's just tradition.
Like this is just what we do.
19:19
Speaker 2
The difference is you don't pay someone an exorbitant fee to go on your horse and buggy.
19:24
Speaker 1
Ride.
That's right.
19:28
Speaker 3
No, absolutely not.
19:31
Speaker 1
What kind of daily rituals would you say are part of the Amish culture that really strengthened that commitment?
What kinds of things do they do to keep marriages strong?
19:42
Speaker 3
Yeah, it's really good.
The first thing that comes to mind is that they have that kind of set of rules and we just by default, again, my life and I kind of followed this and we see it differently from the friends that we have that have no Amish background at all.
20:03
But my wife and I follow the rule of like she's the homemaker.
I'm the provider and in the Amish community, that's not a discussion.
It's not like, hey, like you have this talent over here.
Why don't you go do this and then I'll stay home and watch the kids.
20:21
As a husband and wife, those rules are just put in place and the women are always at home.
Now will you find a woman here and there that loves to go outside to home and do stuff or make money?
Absolutely.
Like my mom would bake baked goods and we would go sell those baked goods and she would do that on the side, but she would do that with all the girls, 4 girls at home.
20:46
So the girls would help her cook and and clean and all of that.
But then once a week she would go sell these baked goods that they've made in the home.
So that's one thing that I noticed is like, that's like they don't discuss who's like at home or who's off doing work.
21:06
Like that's set in place.
21:09
Speaker 2
No, not even discussed.
It's like, not even roles, Yeah.
21:13
Speaker 1
In your family experience, does that help strengthen your marriage to have those roles very clearly delineated?
21:20
Speaker 3
Yeah.
I mean that that's something that my wife and I definitely talked about because it's not built in with the outside culture.
You know, she's way smarter than I am.
She could go get like a high paying job.
21:36
And that's something we actually did discuss before starting a family was do we kind of take the same path?
And I think it was without even question that we would.
She loved being a mother and taking care of the kids.
And I love providing for the family.
21:54
I don't really particularly care to be gone all the time away from the family.
So trying to figure out ways to be creative and provide for the family while still being around the family doing stuff with them.
So that's kind of how we handle that now.
22:12
But yes, I'd say we definitely follow that same path.
That's the way we grew up.
22:17
Speaker 1
It's kind of similar to the conversation that we had and what we decided.
We knew we had the decision, but I chose to stay home and raise our children.
22:28
Speaker 2
And yeah, I think the key difference is that is an intentional decision, right?
It wasn't a decision made out of no power on your part.
22:40
Speaker 1
Right.
That was an intentional decision that we made.
And once my kids were all in school, I worked during the days when they were gone.
I would be home when they came home and then when they were getting close to leaving, went back to grad school.
22:55
And so I am new in my career.
Yeah, that's great.
So if marriages are struggling within the Amish community, how does the community handle that?
23:10
The Double-Edged Sword of Amish Marriage Commitment
Or is it just kept secret?
23:12
Speaker 3
Let's first clarify like the different Amish communities.
So there's like Schwartz and Trooper most conservative and then everything kind of advances from there.
So there's probably, let's just say hypothetically, there's 20 different Amish communities or different ways of living within the Amish.
23:32
And the most conservative 1 is the way that I grew up.
And so going to give from that perspective, they don't have a lot of resources, unfortunately, to help marriages.
And that's one thing that my wife and I have been very intentional with is just bringing different perspectives and to teaches how to be better partners for one another because we both come from homes where a marriage looked like a strong commitment with very little respect for one another.
24:07
Speaker 1
Interesting.
24:08
Speaker 3
It's kind of a double edged sword where the honors are very, very good at being committed to one another and they'll stay true to their partner in most cases and they'll serve their partner in the ways that they're taught to do.
But then when it comes down to like actual respect and love, they have no idea how to do that part.
24:30
They're they just like, they just don't incorporate that in their culture.
Like me kissing my wife, as simple as that.
I only ever saw my dad kiss my mom one time and as one she was on her deathbed.
Oh my.
24:45
Speaker 1
Goodness.
24:46
Speaker 2
I think this is a great time here listening to you Enos to stop, to pause, and to think about.
This is why we're here to get perspective, right?
We all have beliefs, we all have cultures, We all have things that we do that we've grown up with, that we've incorporated in our lives, who we are, our identity.
25:05
Some of that's religious, some of it's social, cultural, whatever.
And they're all good, all of them different and good to a certain extent.
But by providing perspective for our audience to see how other people do it, it allows us to have just a better idea of how things were, how the world works, how do other ideas collide and interweave and connect with the ones that we already hold true.
25:38
And to those of you listening out there watching, leave some comments on some of your culture, some of your ideas, some of the things that you hold so dearly to your heart, like these Amish commitment is huge.
It's something to be really respected by by all of us.
25:58
But at the same time, there are other things that because of so much emphasis on commitment, that there are other things that are left out.
Intimacy.
Yeah.
And so we want to.
That's why we want to bring everyone together, all their perspectives, all of your perspectives in the audience too.
26:15
Just leave some comments on what you think you hold true.
26:22
Enos on Technology's Harmful Impact on Marriage
So Ines, how have you then taken the best of that but been able to make some adaptations with your wife to make your marriage stronger?
You said you saw that your father only kissed your mother once, but that's not your practice, right?
26:41
Speaker 3
Yeah.
26:41
Speaker 1
What kinds of things do you do differently?
26:43
Speaker 3
Yeah, I mean, just making out all the time.
26:45
Speaker 1
Right.
Does that strengthen your marriage?
26:52
Speaker 3
No, that was more humorous answer, but I would say just be more intentional, right?
Recognizing those things and realizing that, yeah, that wasn't common, but what is common is like respecting one another.
27:09
Like that actually, I believe builds a marriage very much like you're trying to understand the other person and meet their need, and they're trying to understand you and meet your need.
And sometimes that's lopsided for a season, like depending what one person is going through versus the other one.
27:27
So it's being intentional with that and showing affection, which is just a foreign language to us.
Like showing affection is not something we grew up with or really have any experience with.
But being out away from it and realizing like, man, as a kid I really wanted affection.
27:48
I was a very, I guess affection seeking kid and I didn't get that.
So I need to be really, really intentional with my kids to make sure I show.
28:01
Speaker 1
That to them, that's great.
So what do you see in modern marriages that really feels harmful or confusing from perhaps an Amish perspective?
You got to be looking at all those marriages around you.
Now that you're out of that Amish community, do you see patterns of what might be dangerous or harmful to the marriages?
28:23
Speaker 3
I do, yeah.
And that, that's a really good question, very deep question actually, or deep to my heart.
Because I look at the modern culture now and see all the tools that are available to go cheat on your wife and think that the access to what's available out there, it's just it's devastating to our marriages.
28:46
And for me, it's pretty easy not to participate in that, I should say, because I never saw that as an option growing up.
I didn't see that.
28:55
Speaker 2
Grew up with commitment, yeah.
28:57
Speaker 3
I grew up with commitment, even though maybe sometimes it didn't look very good, like my parents bought a lot.
But no matter what, they were committed to serving one another.
And you know, we're all going to go through really hard seasons of life, like everyone of us.
29:14
If we live long enough, there's going to be some ups and downs.
And then I think just the most beautiful thing is when we see people staying committed to one another when they're going through a hard time, like maybe your partner's going through a hard time.
I know more life and I've been through those and just staying committed to one another through those times because that's what we said we would do in the beginning.
29:37
I think with all the modern technology that's available for someone that is struggling within their marriage to just get on tensor or get on one of these dating sites and start looking at a partner that they may be attracted to and start thinking that that person would be better for them.
30:00
I don't know.
You guys are in the marriage space.
I'm this is just a hypothetical I guess, but I think the percentages of marriages that actually do find a new partner, in most cases, it's not a better choice for them.
It's just a delayed.
30:17
It's a delayed issue that they're having to deal with down the road, if that makes sense.
30:23
Speaker 1
I think a lot of times it takes doing your own personal internal work.
30:29
Lifelong Commitment Through Trauma: Enos's Parents' Story
It's a new set of.
30:29
Speaker 3
Problems, right?
Yeah, it's a great way to put it.
It is that internal word that an individual gets to do when you're confronted with a challenge within the marriage.
And I guess to my point, that is the biggest thing that I see is people are too quick to maybe be attracted to someone else.
30:52
Speaker 1
Yeah, that is a huge threat to marriage, to happiness, to family.
So do you have any stories from your own community pre marriage or from your own life now that show you the power of lifelong commitment in marriage?
31:11
Speaker 3
That's really good.
I'll share a story from my parents just watching them, and I seriously have plenty of my own.
But for the sake of today, I'll share a story from my parents within their marriage.
So like I mentioned earlier, they were married for 54 years.
31:28
It's just a horrendous start to their marriage because they got married within the Amish community through the ways that I explained earlier.
They moved to Canada and they have three boys, my three oldest brothers, and they had a house fire and the house burned down and they lost my three oldest brothers, their only children at the time.
31:54
So just having that foundation and not really knowing how to recover from that.
Like I said, in our culture, we didn't have traditional counseling or people that we could necessarily go to that were trained professionals on how to deal with that kind of trauma.
32:11
Speaker 1
And no.
32:11
Speaker 3
Resources.
No resources really.
And so very early on, my parents developed friendships from the outside world because I think families from not Amish families understood what they're actually going through.
32:28
And that kind of created this almost foolish kind of situation within the Amish community, just like now we're outcasts, right?
Because we have friends that are outside the community.
Not that you can't have friends, it's just we're probably spending more time with those friends, or they were.
32:47
Then we're like being really close with some of the Amish families.
So that being said, they had a rocky, rocky start to their marriage.
And I saw that as a kid growing up, just lots of conflict and not knowing how to resolve conflict.
33:04
But that commitment was there.
And what I realized in their later years of marriage, because they both since passed, that was their marriage.
I always saw it as a kid as something, I guess, negative.
33:19
And even though I didn't like the tension, I don't think that was necessarily good all the time.
But they always recovered from that and they always have their way of showing love to one another.
So it's like the beautiful relationship that one day you wake up and realize that's actually what it was.
33:41
It wasn't just all negative, but as a kid, like seeing that you're like, man, mom and dad are fighting, but they didn't really know how to communicate.
So when I learned that, then it was a lot easier to say, OK, well, mom and dad, they are messed up because of what they went through or they have issues because of what they went through, but they're still there for one another.
34:07
They're still showing up for one another because guess what, you change partners, you're still going to have issues you're going to have to work through.
So it's not but different partner that's really going to make this relationship better unless there's like actual physical abuse.
34:23
I'm telling you about just verbal conflict, right?
So I'd say that's the one story that I look back on.
And like I said, I didn't see that until two years before my both my mom and dad passed is when I finally saw their relationship for what it was.
34:43
Because whenever the kids weren't around, they were having a great time.
Like they were going on dates, which homage people don't do, but they live so close to town, they would go on dates.
And you know, I found stuff out after they passed.
It was just made my heart happy because they had their way of showing love to one another.
35:03
And it wasn't a traditional way.
It wasn't the kissing and the hugging and stuff like that.
35:09
Speaker 1
That's perspective, that is perspective that comes with just pulling back with seeing things from a different point of view.
35:20
Intentionality and Embracing Challenges for Lasting Love
Thank you for sharing that story.
My heart breaks for both of your parents who lost three children.
Statistics show if a couple loses one child chances in the modern Society of staying together small, it's typically really, really tough.
35:40
So to lose 3 early in your marriage, I can't imagine the trauma that must have caused them, but yet they did stay committed to each other, which is really so beautiful.
We've loved this conversation and could talk for a lot longer, but I'm just wondering if you could invite our listeners to take one principle from your Amish culture and apply it this week to their marriage relationships, what would that be?
36:11
Speaker 3
Yeah, I'd say this.
Embrace the challenges within the marriage because as an individual, the conflict or the challenge that I may be faced with in that moment, most of the time has something to do with something that's going on within my heart.
36:31
And so if I embrace that challenge versus trying to separate myself from it, then I'll find something that I can personally work on.
36:41
Speaker 2
I love it.
36:42
Speaker 1
Very well said.
If people are more interested in learning about your Amish culture and faith tradition, tell us again the name of your podcast.
36:51
Speaker 3
Yeah, you can find us on YouTube at the Amish Media Group, also known as the Amish Rebel Podcast.
So you can find us on the Amish Rebel.
Yeah, so there's a lot of Amish Rebels on there.
37:07
There's.
37:08
Speaker 1
A lot.
37:08
Speaker 3
Of great stories and we're also on TikTok and Facebook and those other platforms.
But yeah, we mostly interact with the audience on YouTube or TikTok.
Great.
37:22
Speaker 2
Well, thanks for joining us today, Eunice.
37:23
Speaker 3
Thank you guys.
37:24
Speaker 1
Lots of things that we can learn if we slow down our lives just a little bit.
Be intentional and make each other a priority in our marriage, a commitment.
37:35
Speaker 2
We hope that this struck A chord with you just learning some perspective from the Amish, and we hope to see you next time on another exciting episode of marriage.
Thank you.
