Episode 150: Can One Person Really Change a Marriage?

 
Episode 150 - Can One Person Really Change a Marriage?
Marriage IQ
 

The Power of One: How Personal Change Can Transform a Marriage

Can One Person Really Change a Marriage?

What happens when just one person decides to show up differently in a marriage?

Can one person’s choice to communicate more gently, reach out again, become more affectionate, or simply try something new actually change the relationship?

During a recent trip to Rwanda, we were reminded just how powerful one person’s willingness to change can be.

We traveled to Kigali and several surrounding communities to teach courses on marriage, family, emotional intelligence, leadership, and personal growth. What made this trip especially meaningful was returning to people we had worked with the previous year and hearing how their lives had changed.

And some of the stories were remarkable.

When One Person Takes the First Step

When we returned to Busasamana, we asked the women who had participated in our course the year before a simple question:

“Are your marriages better than they were last year?”

Almost every woman said yes.

What surprised us wasn't simply that their marriages had improved. It was that many of their husbands had not participated in the original program.

The women had learned about identity, emotional patterns, triggers, communication, family, finances, and how they could take better care of themselves. Then they took what they had learned home with them.

Many of them began teaching their husbands what they had learned.

Their stories reminded us of something important: you don't always have to wait for your spouse to change before you change.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do for your marriage is begin with yourself.

A Marriage Rebuilt Through Small Changes

One young couple shared a particularly powerful story.

The husband had struggled with alcohol. His drinking had become so difficult that when the children knew he was coming home, they would sometimes go to bed without eating because they were afraid of being around him.

The couple had been separated for about a year and a half.

While attending the course, his wife learned about responding differently, leading with love, and taking care of herself emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Instead of waiting for her husband to become different, she started by changing herself.

Eventually, she began reaching out to him.

She didn't demand that he come home. She approached him gently, telling him that she loved him, that she wanted their family to work, and that she had changed many things about how she was approaching their relationship.

Eventually, he chose to come home.

He stopped drinking and began putting his family first.

As he described what had changed, he became emotional. He said he never wanted his children to go hungry again because they were afraid of him.

One person's changes had created an opening for another person's changes.

And the impact didn't stop with the marriage. Their children began experiencing a safer, more loving family.

It's Never Too Late to Do Things Differently

Another couple, both in their seventies, had experienced years of difficulty.

Their marriage had been extremely rocky, and they had spent years living in unhealthy patterns.

But the wife began learning what a healthy marriage could look like. She realized she wanted something different and started reaching out to her husband.

She eventually took the notebook where she had written down what she had learned and began teaching him.

He listened.

Then he decided he wanted to change too.

They began attending church together, committed to officially becoming husband and wife, and proudly showed off their wedding rings.

Their story is a reminder that change doesn't have an expiration date.

You don't have to have had a perfect marriage from the beginning to decide that you want to build something different now.

Sometimes Intimacy Starts With Something Very Simple

During the trip, we also taught men about emotional and physical intimacy.

For some of them, even simple expressions of affection were completely unfamiliar.

One man went home after the class, took his wife's hands, looked into her eyes, told her he loved her, and kissed her in front of their children.

The children laughed and celebrated.

His wife told him that she had been waiting for that kind of affection for a long time. She had wanted it, but she had been afraid to ask because she thought he might judge her for wanting it.

Another husband took his wife for a walk - something they had never done together.

These may sound like small things.

But sometimes small things are exactly where a relationship begins to change.

Holding hands.

Looking into each other's eyes.

Saying “I love you.”

Going for a walk together.

Speaking with kindness.

Turning toward your spouse instead of away.

These simple actions can communicate something powerful: “You matter to me. I see you. I want to be close to you.”

What If Your Spouse Doesn't Want to Change?

This may be one of the biggest questions couples have:

“What if I want to improve our marriage, but my spouse doesn't?”

The stories we heard in Rwanda don't suggest that one person can control another person's choices. They do show, however, that one person's willingness to change can influence the environment of a marriage.

You can't make your spouse change.

But you can change how you communicate.

You can change how you respond.

You can become more intentional.

You can learn to turn toward your spouse instead of constantly turning away.

You can create opportunities for connection.

And sometimes, when one person changes the way they show up, it creates enough safety and hope for the other person to respond differently too.

That doesn't mean every marriage will have the same outcome. Real relationships are complicated, and some situations require professional help, boundaries, or difficult decisions.

But you don't have to wait for someone else to take the first step before asking yourself:

“What is one thing I can change?”

Your Marriage Can Start With You

Our time in Rwanda reinforced something we have been teaching for years: creating a more connected marriage often begins with looking inward.

Not because everything is your fault.

Not because you are responsible for your spouse's behavior.

But because your choices are the part of the relationship you actually have control over.

A softer response.

A little more affection.

A sincere apology.

A willingness to listen.

A walk together.

A conversation you've been avoiding.

A decision to stop repeating the same pattern.

Sometimes transformation doesn't begin with a dramatic gesture.

Sometimes it begins with one person deciding:

“I'm going to do something differently.”

And from Kigali, Rwanda, that's the lesson we came home with: to create a more scintillating marriage, the first change may need to happen in ourselves.

Next
Next

Episode 149: Sexual Shame in Marriage: How to Feel Free, Confident & Connected