Episode 150: Can One Person Really Change a Marriage?
The Power of One: How Personal Change Can Transform a Marriage
Can One Person Really Change a Marriage?
What happens when just one person decides to show up differently in a marriage?
Can one person’s choice to communicate more gently, reach out again, become more affectionate, or simply try something new actually change the relationship?
During a recent trip to Rwanda, we were reminded just how powerful one person’s willingness to change can be.
We traveled to Kigali and several surrounding communities to teach courses on marriage, family, emotional intelligence, leadership, and personal growth. What made this trip especially meaningful was returning to people we had worked with the previous year and hearing how their lives had changed.
And some of the stories were remarkable.
When One Person Takes the First Step
When we returned to Busasamana, we asked the women who had participated in our course the year before a simple question:
“Are your marriages better than they were last year?”
Almost every woman said yes.
What surprised us wasn't simply that their marriages had improved. It was that many of their husbands had not participated in the original program.
The women had learned about identity, emotional patterns, triggers, communication, family, finances, and how they could take better care of themselves. Then they took what they had learned home with them.
Many of them began teaching their husbands what they had learned.
Their stories reminded us of something important: you don't always have to wait for your spouse to change before you change.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do for your marriage is begin with yourself.
A Marriage Rebuilt Through Small Changes
One young couple shared a particularly powerful story.
The husband had struggled with alcohol. His drinking had become so difficult that when the children knew he was coming home, they would sometimes go to bed without eating because they were afraid of being around him.
The couple had been separated for about a year and a half.
While attending the course, his wife learned about responding differently, leading with love, and taking care of herself emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Instead of waiting for her husband to become different, she started by changing herself.
Eventually, she began reaching out to him.
She didn't demand that he come home. She approached him gently, telling him that she loved him, that she wanted their family to work, and that she had changed many things about how she was approaching their relationship.
Eventually, he chose to come home.
He stopped drinking and began putting his family first.
As he described what had changed, he became emotional. He said he never wanted his children to go hungry again because they were afraid of him.
One person's changes had created an opening for another person's changes.
And the impact didn't stop with the marriage. Their children began experiencing a safer, more loving family.
It's Never Too Late to Do Things Differently
Another couple, both in their seventies, had experienced years of difficulty.
Their marriage had been extremely rocky, and they had spent years living in unhealthy patterns.
But the wife began learning what a healthy marriage could look like. She realized she wanted something different and started reaching out to her husband.
She eventually took the notebook where she had written down what she had learned and began teaching him.
He listened.
Then he decided he wanted to change too.
They began attending church together, committed to officially becoming husband and wife, and proudly showed off their wedding rings.
Their story is a reminder that change doesn't have an expiration date.
You don't have to have had a perfect marriage from the beginning to decide that you want to build something different now.
Sometimes Intimacy Starts With Something Very Simple
During the trip, we also taught men about emotional and physical intimacy.
For some of them, even simple expressions of affection were completely unfamiliar.
One man went home after the class, took his wife's hands, looked into her eyes, told her he loved her, and kissed her in front of their children.
The children laughed and celebrated.
His wife told him that she had been waiting for that kind of affection for a long time. She had wanted it, but she had been afraid to ask because she thought he might judge her for wanting it.
Another husband took his wife for a walk - something they had never done together.
These may sound like small things.
But sometimes small things are exactly where a relationship begins to change.
Holding hands.
Looking into each other's eyes.
Saying “I love you.”
Going for a walk together.
Speaking with kindness.
Turning toward your spouse instead of away.
These simple actions can communicate something powerful: “You matter to me. I see you. I want to be close to you.”
What If Your Spouse Doesn't Want to Change?
This may be one of the biggest questions couples have:
“What if I want to improve our marriage, but my spouse doesn't?”
The stories we heard in Rwanda don't suggest that one person can control another person's choices. They do show, however, that one person's willingness to change can influence the environment of a marriage.
You can't make your spouse change.
But you can change how you communicate.
You can change how you respond.
You can become more intentional.
You can learn to turn toward your spouse instead of constantly turning away.
You can create opportunities for connection.
And sometimes, when one person changes the way they show up, it creates enough safety and hope for the other person to respond differently too.
That doesn't mean every marriage will have the same outcome. Real relationships are complicated, and some situations require professional help, boundaries, or difficult decisions.
But you don't have to wait for someone else to take the first step before asking yourself:
“What is one thing I can change?”
Your Marriage Can Start With You
Our time in Rwanda reinforced something we have been teaching for years: creating a more connected marriage often begins with looking inward.
Not because everything is your fault.
Not because you are responsible for your spouse's behavior.
But because your choices are the part of the relationship you actually have control over.
A softer response.
A little more affection.
A sincere apology.
A willingness to listen.
A walk together.
A conversation you've been avoiding.
A decision to stop repeating the same pattern.
Sometimes transformation doesn't begin with a dramatic gesture.
Sometimes it begins with one person deciding:
“I'm going to do something differently.”
And from Kigali, Rwanda, that's the lesson we came home with: to create a more scintillating marriage, the first change may need to happen in ourselves.
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1:17
Discovering Marriage Transformation in Kigali, Rwanda
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
1:23
Speaker 1
I'm Heidi Hastings.
1:25
Speaker 2
And I'm Scott Hastings, welcome to our special edition of Marriage IQ.
As you can see today, we are not recording from our home studio.
We are in Africa, specifically in Kigali, Rwanda, and behind us are the hills of Rwanda.
1:45
Speaker 1
Land of 1000 hills.
1:46
Speaker 2
Yeah, a special, special moments in our trip to Africa this year to teach people hear about the wonders and benefits of marriage, emotional intelligence, all the things that we're teaching on marriage IQ.
2:04
And we just had a fantastic week.
Didn't.
2:07
Speaker 1
We, we did, We really want to drive home the point today that every week when we tell you to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage first starts with making a change in yourself.
And we've really had so many testimonials of how that's true.
2:25
And we're going to share some of those stories with you today.
We've created three courses that we've taken to two different villages here in Rwanda.
And the first one is Strong Women, Strong Family Course.
The second one is Strong Marriage, Strong family Course.
2:44
And new this year is the Strong Men, Strong Family Course.
And we have so many wonderful stories to share with you.
2:51
How Rwandan Women Transformed Their Marriages
You know, we started this last year.
We work with Dream Visa Organization.
It's a nonprofit to help people specifically in Rwanda to become more educated so they can live better lives.
3:05
Speaker 1
And we're self reliant and we're resilient.
3:08
Speaker 2
And we had a great experience last year.
This year was even deeper because we were able to come back and talk to the people that we saw last year and we taught last year and to see their lives change, it was amazing.
3:27
Speaker 1
Last year we went to the South of Mana village, 4 1/2 hours away from Kigali, up in the mountains down a Durham road about 4550.
3:37
Speaker 2
Minutes from way out.
3:38
Speaker 1
There, yeah, very close to the Congo.
3:41
Speaker 2
Just almost feeling like at the edge of the earth.
To me, this is a brand new experience, totally new culture.
3:47
Speaker 1
Yeah, he didn't get to go there with me last year.
3:50
Speaker 2
And this year I spend most of my time in Kigali at the hospital working with the doctors there, ending up patients.
Well, it's amazing.
You can save a life for 20 bucks.
This lady had life threatening low potassium and she didn't have any money to pay for it.
4:08
So I asked what it costs and it was about 30,000 Rwandan francs, which comes up to about 20 bucks.
So save a life for 20 bucks.
It was amazing.
Like this is what I dream of when I think about being a doctor and helping people in real time, Yeah.
4:29
Speaker 1
So last year while Scott was busy saving lives being a doctor and I was in Busasamano, my daughter and I taught about 80 women and 25 young women the courses that we've created.
And like Scott said, we went back this year to see has anything changed in their lives.
4:49
So we'll share some of those stories with you and then we'll talk a little bit about what we did this year.
4:54
From Alcoholism to Family: A Wife's Gentle Love
When we went back to the Sasamana, I had Scott and one of our other volunteers work with the men and I went with the women as well as several female volunteers we have this year.
And I asked them how have things changed?
5:10
What did we teach you last year that was really meaningful?
And when I asked them specifically, are your marriages any better?
Who here has a marriage that's better than it was last year?
Almost 100% of the women said we all do.
5:26
All of our marriages are so much better than they were.
And I couldn't believe it.
And the women, they love to dance and sing.
And so we took a moment to praise God right there with song and dance and celebration.
5:40
Speaker 2
We were in the next room over, you could hear, we could hear all the women singing at the top of their voice.
We have to have some pictures and videos so you can see just the the colorful dresses that they wear.
Just so much vibrancy and the culture that they have.
5:56
They don't have much.
There's a lot of dirt, a lot of really broken down kind of shanties they live in and we met in tents sometimes, but it was amazing the amount of knowledge that they just want to soak up.
6:14
Speaker 1
We empower women by teaching them first to start with their identity, like we teach right here on Marriage IQ, and then we move to different kinds of coping and thought patterns and triggers, just like we teach on Marriage IQ.
6:29
A simplified version though.
We teach about marriage and family and finances and resources.
And then lastly, we teach about coming together as a community.
And the women had truly come together as a community since we left.
But the surprising thing to me wasn't just that they supported each other, but they then went and taught their husbands, many of them, the things that they've learned.
6:55
Speaker 2
And I just want to pause here and say for all those people who think that if you're your spouse doesn't want to change, but you want to change, it's possible.
It's possible for you to change.
And when you change, you change that marriage because we've seen it here in real time, because last year we didn't have any programs for men, right?
7:17
It was only for women.
And this year, almost every single woman, when you ask them how's your marriage, they said it's better.
7:27
Speaker 1
'Cause we starting with them.
7:28
Speaker 2
Implemented these things that you taught us and their marriages are better.
7:33
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Can I give you a couple of examples?
So we were able to talk with two couples who told us their stories.
And of course, we had interpreters.
There was a younger couple and an older couple.
The younger man said, you know, I am an alcoholic, I would drink all the time.
7:53
They have a lot of trauma here, kind of stemming from the genocide 32 years ago.
And he said I drink all the time.
My children, if they knew I was ever coming home, they'd go get in bed and go to sleep hungry because they didn't want to be around.
8:09
Speaker 2
They'd rather skip dinner than be.
8:11
Speaker 1
Than to be around their father.
And he said that he and his wife have been separated for about a year and a half.
And when his wife went through our course, she learned about leading with love, changing the way she speaks, taking care of herself emotionally, spiritually, physically, and gave them some very specifics and responding to their husbands, interacting with their husbands.
8:43
And as she started practicing this herself, she decided to reach out to her husband.
8:49
Speaker 2
They'd been separated for a while.
8:52
Speaker 1
A year and a half and she asked him to come home to the family and she didn't just ask him once.
She would go to where he was staying and she would ask him again and again.
But she would do it in a very soft and gentle way and just say I love you.
9:08
We need to make this family work.
I've changed a lot about the way I do things.
Please come home.
He chose to do that and they started their marriage all over again.
She changed the way that she was parenting and so her children felt safer and had more love with them.
9:25
Speaker 2
So she changed herself, and by so doing it extended to her marriage and her family.
9:33
Speaker 1
Yeah, he was weeping.
He just had tears in his.
9:37
Speaker 2
Eyes.
Oh, men don't cry in Africa.
This is just not something they do in their culture.
So to see him cry was a very special moment.
9:46
Speaker 1
I said, what are the tears about?
And he said I never ever again want my family, want my children to go hungry because they're scared of me or because I'm not providing for them.
And he said I stopped drinking.
10:04
I stopped drinking and my family is my priority.
And we have love between us, all of our family.
10:11
Speaker 2
Yeah, we finished taping that and you just started hugging.
10:17
Speaker 1
Couldn't.
10:17
Speaker 2
Believe it, everyone was crying and it was just a very special moment.
Like in real time, we're seeing lives change just, and this is a follow up from last year, It's like, how can you not feel fulfilled as a human being?
10:33
Speaker 1
It's like the most meaningful thing we've done.
10:35
Speaker 2
And it's all in one week, right?
We do this all in one week.
It's it's the most amazing thing and most amazing experience.
10:41
From Abuse to Love: An Older Couple's Journey
What's the second story?
10:43
Speaker 1
Well, this little couple are so cute.
They are older, in their 70s, seventy four I think they said.
And they had a very, very rocky marriage.
He beat her often.
He was terrible to her.
He had many wives, he said, more than three.
11:01
But.
11:02
Speaker 2
There were many.
That's pretty common in this culture, right?
11:04
Speaker 1
Go from one to another to another to another and and families.
And he was just not good to her at all.
But when she started to change and she started to learn what a good family looks like, she realized, I have no one in my life but this man.
11:25
I have no parents.
I have no siblings, no relatives.
And she said she went to him again and again and said, please come home.
You're all I have.
I want to make a good marriage with you.
11:40
She took her little notebook that we gave them where they took notes of the things we taught.
And she said please come home and I will teach you.
And to his credit, he did.
He sat down with her and she would teach him the things.
11:55
Speaker 2
From this little notebook that she took notes from last year.
11:58
Speaker 1
And many of them don't write.
So this is really a phenomenal thing that she was able to do and taught him all of the things that she'd learned.
And he decided, I want to make a change.
I want to be different.
I want to be like what that's describing for a marriage.
12:14
So he went back to church.
He got baptized into, I don't know what faith she belongs to, but a Christian faith.
And from there, they've decided to be officially married.
12:30
They've never done it officially.
And so they were holding up their rings and showing us, look, it's official.
We go to church together.
We have a family together and everything has changed and they were so happy.
12:42
Speaker 2
They're out there holding up their wedding rings.
They're so proud that I think a lot of couples don't have wedding rings, right?
12:50
Small Donations, Big Impact: Economic Empowerment in Rwanda
And.
12:51
Speaker 1
And the only thing that we do for these women to help empower them is we give them either a sheep or a goat, depending on what area we're in.
And so just through donations of people, friends of ours, family of ours, maybe some patients of yours, we are able to give them something that they can own for themselves.
13:15
And these goats or these sheep can be bred and sold for school tuition for their children.
One woman told us she had taken care of her neighbor's sheep for a year, and at the end of the year, when the sheep had a lamb, the neighbor gave her the lamb.
13:36
That's a tradition in Rwanda.
The very first baby that comes from the livestock, whatever the livestock is, you give to a neighbor to spread the opportunity for growth and economic progression.
So from that one lamb, from taking care of that sheep, she paid her children's tuition, she was able to buy a small piece of property, and she was able to actually build a small house for herself.
14:03
Speaker 2
That's amazing.
Yeah.
It's fascinating how so little money can go so far here.
14:09
Speaker 1
Yeah, $60.00 for a goat or $100 for a sheep and that for them.
14:14
Speaker 2
Changes a life.
14:15
Speaker 1
Can change a life help them become more self reliant?
14:18
Rwandan Men Embrace New Marriage Models
Yeah, just amazing stories all the way through the suite.
I do want to go back and just talk a little bit about the men's group that we taught in Busa Semana.
OK, You know, this is my first time teaching.
I'm usually in the hospital next year I'm going to still be in a clinic, but I'm going to go with the group.
14:39
But it was amazing just how attentive these men were.
Most of them had never had formal schooling.
Again, it's in it's very small village, very, very poor.
Poverty is everywhere.
And we gave them notebooks, we gave them pens.
14:56
Some of them couldn't write, but they were all so attentive and they would ask questions.
15:02
Speaker 1
Needs to the husbands of the women that.
15:04
Speaker 2
We yeah, most of them were husbands, Some were were not married, but.
And they asked questions that were provocative, that they were listening.
And I think they just needed a little push someone to come in to say, OK, here's an example for you men to look at, to try to live by.
15:27
They're hungry for good models.
They're just hungry.
But they didn't know it, and all we needed to do is just come in there and light this little fuse and it's amazing.
15:43
They've asked us to come back next year and do specific marriage courses with them together, husband and wife.
15:51
Speaker 1
And we did do a marriage retreat, just a couple of hours focused on marriage, where we taught them our 4 cornerstones in a very simplistic manner.
We talked to them about being intentional by putting a water bottle between US and demonstrating how we have to stand shoulder to shoulder, not one ahead of another, but with shared power.
16:12
As we were walking around, we showed them we have to communicate with each other.
We have to go slow enough that we know what we're doing to lead together.
And if one of us tries to go ahead or one of us is too slow or we don't communicate well, then we drop the water bottle.
16:30
Being our marriage, our family.
16:33
Speaker 2
They loved those object.
16:34
Speaker 1
Lessons they did and we used the same one in Miyamata where we went with passion fruit between them has really been our son helped us come up with that little object lesson.
But yeah, they said.
I think the biggest thing they took away is just seeing the way that we interact with each other, the way we hold hands and we treat each other.
16:55
Speaker 2
It blew them away.
Softness.
I came up to you and I put my arms around you and I give you a kiss.
And they were, they just went wild.
This whole group of people, they're just.
17:06
Speaker 1
Kissing is not part of their tradition.
17:08
Speaker 2
Screaming and yelling and clapping and they don't kiss each other here.
I know that's crazy.
17:15
Speaker 1
Man, that we were talking about, the couple that we interviewed, he said.
That was the biggest take away from the whole day is just watching the way that Scott treated me.
17:22
Speaker 2
And we saw him, he was holding hands with her, they were cuddling.
I'm like, this is amazing.
17:30
Speaker 1
Yeah.
OK, let's go to where we spent the rest of the week.
17:33
A Dramatic Birth and Community Support in Nyomata
We were just in Busa Semana on Friday, but the rest of the week we were in a little village called Nyomata and we held our courses at a school there and we had about 65 women and 25 men.
Again, this was our very first men's course.
17:50
So one of the most exciting things about the whole week is, again, we're teaching the same things that I told you about a minute ago from our four cornerstones, from a strong and healthy house and how security and nourishing the relationships are.
18:07
They're like the walls of the house.
Our relationship with God is like the foundation and we had wonderful courses.
They loved them.
We would sing and dance couple of times a day with all these groups.
We also have experts on our team that taught about period poverty and women don't know about periods.
18:29
They just think it's a shameful thing.
So they taught them that and taught them how to sew pads.
They taught them about finances and about leadership and different wonderful topics.
But we had one woman that was.
18:46
Speaker 2
About.
18:47
Speaker 1
8 months pregnant and she would sit on a mat in the back of the room and on the third day she stood up.
She walked out and then her son came back in and grabbed the father out of his class and she had gone into labor.
19:04
Her water broke right there.
So Isaac, our leader, ran her to the hospital.
The husband was planning to walk the miles.
The rest she had delivered.
19:15
Speaker 2
They don't have cars here.
19:18
Speaker 1
And he said I will take you to the hospital going as fast as he could, her screaming labor the whole time.
It was she got in the hospital 2 minutes before giving birth.
So from water breaking to having the baby was maybe 3045 minutes tops.
19:35
But it went well and I think it cost like $50 total.
They help them pay that bill 'cause they had nine other children and no home.
And the man is wonderful.
The woman is wonderful.
They named the baby Isaac after Isaac, who has.
19:52
Speaker 2
Drove into the hospital.
19:53
Speaker 1
And who led Dream?
Who leads dreams?
Isa.
19:56
Rwandan Men Embrace Affection and Healthy Intimacy
So that was probably one of the more exciting things of the week.
But midweek, the day that we talked about marriage, the men's group led by our son and one other.
Young man had me come in and talk about intimacy because they were really nervous about that.
20:12
And they asked really good, intelligent, deeply vulnerable questions.
You know, a couple of them, their wives had cheated on them.
Could wives change?
And I spoke in a way because I knew several of them had probably cheated on their wives as well.
It's common in their culture, but I spoke about it in a way that they could see it from both sides.
20:33
And I said, yes, it's possible to change.
But look, I think this is a symptom of other parts of life not having other kinds of intimacy.
And to build a really strong marriage, we have to focus on caring for each other, turning to each other, being kind to each other, having things in common, goals in common.
20:57
We'd taught them about intimacy, physical touch, talking kind words, sweet words, looking in each other's eyes.
And I was very open with them and teaching them about sexuality.
I was sitting there thinking, if you would have told me 10 years ago, I would be standing in Africa and I would be talking to African men about sexuality.
21:19
I.
21:20
Speaker 2
Thought you're crazy.
What?
21:23
Speaker 1
But they were hungry to learn about what healthy sexuality is, because what they're practicing is not.
But we started to hear stories the next day.
One man went home that night and he took his wife by the hands and he looked deeply in her eyes.
21:42
And he said something like, honey, I love you.
And then he kissed her and all the children are around and they went crazy and we're giggling and laughing.
21:57
And he just hugged her.
And she looked back at him and she said, I've waited for that for so long.
I've wanted that, desired that for so long.
And I didn't ever dare ask you because I thought you would think I was a bad woman.
22:15
Speaker 2
Kids totally loved.
22:16
Speaker 1
It their kids loved it.
They were so happy.
Another guy, one of my recommendations, I said go on a walk outside together and just look at the stars and notice God's beauty.
Apparently they don't ever walk with each other.
22:32
Women walk with.
22:33
Speaker 2
Women.
It's a pretty radical idea.
22:35
Speaker 1
And his wife said, what are you doing?
What are we doing?
And they enjoyed that tender moment together that they've never had.
We're introducing some new ideas that are.
22:45
Speaker 2
Are we just blowing their?
22:46
Speaker 1
Minds, honey.
It's requiring risk on their on their part.
22:51
Speaker 2
They're totally upending their culture, but in a good.
22:54
Speaker 1
Way clearly because they are good, strong people and family is very important to them.
But as we learn better, we do better.
23:03
A Small Gesture Leads to Six-Year Reconciliation
You know, this whole week I'm just thinking of just the amazing parts of this entire week and how we're able to do so much with so little money and so little time.
Like in one week and not spending a lot of money.
23:22
For any of you out there who are seeking more purpose in life or want something grander than what you are doing now, this is a life changing opportunity.
23:33
Speaker 1
Or if you have skills and some areas that you think might be helpful, they're wanting to know how to start businesses.
They're wanting to know how to do irrigation for their crops and how to have better crops and do better with livestock.
Can I tell you one more story to end with?
23:49
Yeah.
OK.
One of the men that I talked to that was asking about his wife's betrayal on the last day.
We learned he had been separated from her for six years, but he kept thinking about her.
And when he learned the things from our class, he wanted to do better.
24:06
So he sent her 1000 Rwandan francs, which is.
24:12
Speaker 2
About $0.60, yeah.
24:14
Speaker 1
And a sweet note.
And she called him or texted him and said, what's this?
And he said, I, I want to do better.
And he started doing that each day.
Well, it only took probably two or three days.
And he said, I want you to come home to me.
24:31
I want us to try again and try it in this way.
And she came home to him and he talked to her about the things that we taught.
He'd been a single father with the child for all of this time.
And so he said, I want us to have a strong family together.
24:46
She came home.
They committed to each other that they're going to be officially married in their church and make things to go.
And everyone just went wild and crazy.
The men were particularly phenomenal.
25:02
They grouped together, decided they're going to meet weekly with each other.
They voted in leadership and that we've agreed with each other they don't charge for things, that this is not a monetary thing.
And one of the men said you could charge all the money I could ever make in my lifetime and it would not be enough to pay for the value of this experience with you.
25:25
The Power of Personal Change in Marriage
What an opportunity.
Seriously amazing.
Reach out to us if you want to know more about this annual trek to Rwanda in Africa and treating Zisa Organization.
We can get you hooked up.
Well, this has been an exciting episode here from Kigali, and we're going to sign off now and remember that truly, to have a scintillating marriage at first requires a change in ourselves.
25:53
Speaker 1
We have the data for that.
25:54
Speaker 2
We do from Kigali, Rwanda.
We are signing off Doctor Scott and Heidi Hastings.
We'll see you on another exciting episode, Marriage IQ.
