Change the Pattern

One of the most frustrating places to be in a marriage is thinking, I’m willing to work on this—but my spouse needs to change too.

And sometimes, they really do.

But here’s something I keep coming back to: we can’t control whether our spouse changes, but we are not powerless in the relationship.

Marriage is a system. When one person begins responding differently—less defensively, more intentionally, with more kindness, clearer boundaries, or greater honesty—the old pattern can’t continue in quite the same way.

That doesn’t guarantee your spouse will respond the way you hope. And it certainly doesn’t mean you are responsible for fixing the marriage by yourself.

It simply means you still have agency.

This week’s Marriage iQ episode is full of stories that brought that idea to life for Scott and me. We met couples who had been stuck in painful patterns for years—and then watched what happened when someone decided to do something differently.

Some of the changes were surprisingly small.

But the ripple effects weren’t.

Weekly Marriage Tip:

Interrupt one pattern.

Think of one interaction that tends to play out the same way over and over.

Then ask yourself:

What is one thing I could do differently the next time it happens?

Maybe you soften your tone.
Maybe you ask a question instead of making an assumption.
Maybe you pause before reacting.
Maybe you say what you actually need instead of hoping your spouse figures it out.

Just change one part of the pattern—and notice what happens next.

In this week’s episode, Can One Person Really Change a Marriage?, we’re sharing some of the most moving stories of change we’ve witnessed—and why they left us thinking differently about what one person can bring to a marriage.

We hope it touches and inspires you as much as it did us!