Who Gets You First?

There are moments in marriage when something happens and we immediately need to process it.

We’re hurt. Frustrated. Confused. Maybe angry.

And most of us have somewhere we tend to go first.

A friend. A sibling. Social media. Google. A therapist. And increasingly, AI.

There’s nothing necessarily wrong with getting perspective before having a difficult conversation. Sometimes we need a little space to calm down, sort through what we’re feeling, and decide what we really want to say.

But there is a question I think is worth asking:

Where does my spouse fall in the order of people—or things—I turn to?

Intimacy isn’t built only by having good conversations. It’s built by allowing another person access to what is really happening inside of us.

If everyone else gets the unfiltered version of me while my spouse gets the carefully edited summary—or nothing at all—we may slowly create connection somewhere else while wondering why we feel disconnected at home.

Technology adds a fascinating new layer to this. AI can listen endlessly. It doesn’t interrupt, get defensive, or have a bad day. It can even help us find words for things we’re struggling to say.

That can be incredibly useful.

But perhaps the best test isn't simply, “Is this helping me?”

It’s:

“Is this helping me turn toward my spouse—or making it easier not to?”

Weekly Marriage Tip:

The next time something happens between you and your spouse, notice your first instinct.

Before you text someone, search for an answer, or ask AI what it thinks, pause and ask:

“Is this something something I need to eventually bring back to my spouse?”

You don't have to have the conversation immediately. Regulate. Think. Get perspective if you need it.

Just don't let processing the relationship with someone else or something else become a substitute for fully participating in it.

The beautiful and the difficult.

Marriage is about growing together.

In this week’s Marriage IQ, Scott and I are digging into a question researchers are only beginning to understand: What happens when AI becomes a third voice in our relationships? And when does a helpful tool begin competing with human intimacy?

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