Subtle Superiority

I’ve caught myself doing this this week. Maybe you have too. You know that tiny eye roll you do when your spouse tells the same story again? Or when they load the dishwasher “wrong”? Yes. That one.

It feels harmless. You’re not yelling. You’re not throwing dishes. You’re just… internally narrating their incompetence. Or you notice things they “do wrong” and can’t see your own faults.

But that little flicker of superiority? That’s contempt. And contempt is sneaky. It convinces you that you’re simply more aware, more responsible, more emotionally evolved, a harder worker, a better parent, more righteous... it goes on and on. Meanwhile, it quietly drains the warmth out of your marriage.

Here’s the twist: most of us say we want more closeness, more affection, more intentional love. But we can’t build intimacy while mentally keeping score. You can’t cherish someone you’re silently competing with.

Action Tip:

Catch one eye roll (out loud or in your head). Pause. Then replace it with curiosity.
Instead of “Why are you like this?” try, “Help me understand what you were thinking.”

It may not feel as satisfying as the eye roll… but it works a whole lot better.

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