Turn Towards, Not Away

When tension or anxiety rises in marriage, many couples unknowingly fall into two damaging patterns: triangulation and distancing.

Triangulation happens when one partner pulls in a third party—like a friend, parent, or even a child—to manage marital tension instead of addressing it directly. Distancing is the opposite reaction: emotionally withdrawing, shutting down, or physically avoiding conflict.

While these behaviors might offer short-term relief, they silently erode trust, prevent conflict resolution, and create emotional disconnection over time.

As Dr. Kathleen Smith, author of True to You, explains: "You don’t always have to involve someone else. Sometimes you can sit with the discomfort—and learn something new about yourself and your marriage."

Actionable Tip: Next time you feel the urge to vent to a friend or retreat into silence after an argument, pause for just three seconds. Ask yourself: "Can I tolerate this discomfort and re-engage directly with my spouse instead?" This small act of self-awareness can break powerful negative cycles and create space for real connection to grow.