Episode 100 - The Social Media Effect on Marriage: Reclaiming Connection in a Digital World

Jan 20

When Your Phone Becomes the Third Person in Your Marriage

Most couples don’t fight about technology outright. They don’t sit down and say, “You love your phone more than me.”

Instead, it shows up quietly.A glance at a screen while your spouse is talking. Scrolling during dinner.Checking “just one thing” that turns into ten minutes. And without realizing it, the message lands: You are not as important as whatever is on my phone.That message repeated over time matters more than we think.

Technology Isn’t the Villain But It Is Powerful

At Marriage IQ, we don’t believe technology is inherently bad. Like fire, it can cook dinner or burn the house down. Social media, texting, short‑form videos they all have the power to connect us or divide us, depending on how they’re used.

Early on, technology felt like a gift. We could keep up with friends, stay connected to family across the world, share photos, build communities. It felt efficient. Convenient. Even intimate.

But slowly, without intention, it began to cost us something especially inside our marriages.

The Small Interruptions That Add Up

Researchers call it technoference: when technology repeatedly interrupts connection between partners. These interruptions don’t have to be dramatic. In fact, they’re usually tiny.

A buzz.
A notification.
A quick scroll while your spouse is mid‑sentence.

Each interruption chips away at emotional presence. Over time, spouses report feeling unseen, lonely, and less important even when no one intends harm.

A related behavior, phubbing (phone + snubbing), happens when one partner turns to their phone instead of staying engaged in a shared moment. It sends a powerful relational signal, even if it lasts only seconds.

The irony? Most of us believe we don’t do it that much.
That’s where actor‑observer bias comes in.

“I’m Fine You’re the One With the Problem”

Actor‑observer bias is our tendency to excuse our own behavior while judging our partner’s. We justify our phone use I’m busy, I’m stressed, this matters but interpret our spouse’s phone use as disinterest or rejection.

This bias fuels resentment and misunderstanding. It turns a neutral object a phone into a source of relational tension.

And it’s not just perception. Research consistently links frequent phone interruptions to lower marital satisfaction, more conflict, and emotional distancing.

When Social Media Crosses a Line

For some couples, the impact goes deeper.

Divorce attorneys report that technology and social media show up in a significant percentage of divorce cases through emotional affairs, reconnecting with old flames, surveillance behaviors, or secrecy.

Often, it doesn’t start with betrayal. It starts with comparison.

Scrolling through curated lives can trigger envy, inadequacy, and contempt emotions that quietly poison intimacy. Suddenly, your spouse feels less exciting, less attentive, less enough.

Add jealousy into the mix especially when interactions with past relationships or new connections feel ambiguous and trust begins to erode.

Why This Hits Some People Harder Than Others

Heavy use of short‑form video content has been linked to addictive patterns, increased anxiety, and negative perceptions of relationship quality. Interestingly, some studies show these effects can be particularly strong in long‑term and older couples not just younger ones.

The issue isn’t age. It’s dopamine.

Those quick hits of novelty pull attention away from the slower, deeper work of connection. And when one partner disengages, the other often becomes more anxious, more vigilant, more reactive creating a cycle neither person intended.

So What Do Healthy Couples Do Instead?

They don’t throw their phones into the ocean…
They don’t shame each other…
They don’t aim for perfection…

They get intentional. They pause long enough to ask:

What role do we want technology to play in our marriage?
When does it help us connect and when does it get in the way?

Healthy couples create shared agreements, not rigid rules. They revisit them. Adjust them. Refine them.

Some decide on no‑phone zones or times.
Some talk openly about what kinds of online interactions feel respectful.
Some intentionally share social media together instead of separately.

The key is that these decisions are made as a team.

Turning Screens Back Into Tools

Technology can still support intimacy when used with awareness.

Posting about your relationship publicly can reinforce commitment. Staying connected with extended family can deepen belonging. Watching something together and actually engaging with each other while doing it can be bonding.

But connection doesn’t happen automatically. Presence does.

Before you scroll, it’s worth asking:

Why am I doing this right now?
Is this helping or hurting my connection with my spouse?
Would this moment feel different if I put the phone down?

Those questions alone can change the tone of a marriage.

Marriage IQ in Action

This is where our four cornerstones come alive:

Identity – Who do I want to be as a spouse in a digital world?
Intentionality – Am I choosing my habits, or defaulting to them?
Insight – Can I honestly assess how this is affecting us?
Intimacy – Am I prioritizing presence over distraction?

A scintillating marriage isn’t one without phones it’s one where connection comes first.

One Small Step This Week

Pick one moment this week to be fully present. No multitasking. No scrolling. No “just a second.” See what happens. Often, the most powerful changes in marriage don’t come from grand gestures but from tiny shifts in attention. Because when your spouse feels seen, chosen, and prioritized, everything else starts to soften.

0:00
Episode Preview, Host Introduction, and Date Night Giveaway
All of the things that send the message you are not as important to me as whatever it is that is on my phone.
0:07
They all seem to get me and nobody else does.
Everyone outside my tribe are intolerant fools and dweebs.
0:15
I think it's really important if you're going to be on any kind of platform where you're interacting with other people.
0:22
I caught my spouse cheating on me with an old flame on Facebook social media.
It is a very very sharp 2 edged sword.
I have purposely blocked myself from all social media.
0:34
Why would you do that?
0:37
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
0:43
I'm Heidi Hastings.
0:44
And I'm Scott Hastings.
0:46
We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose, to change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.
1:08
Hey everybody, Doctor Heidi and Doctor Scott Hastings here with another episode of Marriage IQ for a little.
We're really happy to have you here with us today.
I really want to remind everybody about our great marriage date night giveaway here at Marriage IQ.
1:27
You mean we're giving away free money so they can go on dates?
1:30
Yeah, we feel so strongly about dating as a pathway to a scintillating marriage that we're giving 5 lucky listeners $100.00 gift card.
1:41
Date night on Marriage IQ.
1:43
If they want to join our…
1:46
Giveaway How do they?
1:48
They just simply go to marriageiq.com and go to the weekly tips tab up at the top, put in their name, put in their e-mail address, and bam, they're entered in the contest.
1:58
That's it.
Sounds simple.
2:00
It's not only that they'll get a weekly e-mail from us that just takes one minute to read with a tip of the week that's related to our podcast that week, and it gives an action tip that they can practice in their own marriage.
2:13
All right, so it's as simple as going to Marriage IQ and putting in their e-mail.
You're automatically enrolled in our giveaway.
We'll pick 5 lucky couples on…
2:25
Black Friday.
2:27
And tell your spouse to sign up too, so that doubles your chances.
Yeah. Sounds great, honey.
All right.
2:33
Revisiting Technoference, Phubbing, and Actor-Observer Bias
This is Part 2 of A2, part series on technology in the way that it impacts marriage.
And last time we talked about a couple of terms that you may not have heard of before.
If you haven't already listened to that part, you might want to go back.
2:49
But we talked about technoference, which is when we are letting technology interfere with our relationship with our spouse through these little interruptions or these big interruptions constantly and don't give enough attention to each other.
3:05
We don't protect those parts of our marriage and let technology kind of sneak in all the time.
3:10
Yeah, I think we learned a lot too, just ourselves here. How?
3:14
About our own patterns.
3:15
And how we can tighten that up? Yeah.
3:18
We did.
We also learned about a term called fubbing.
PHUBBING.
3:24
Bone snubbing.
3:25
Yeah, where we are right there talking with our spouse, doing something together where we're supposed to be present and paying attention, and we snub our spouse by texting someone else while they're talking, while we're supposed to be listening.
3:41
We are looking at something on our phone while they're talking.
All of the things that send the message you are not as important to me as whatever it is that is on my phone.
3:53
And we determined that that really hurts.
Yeah, the other spouse.
3:59
It results in feeling unseen, depressed, lonely.
4:03
Yeah.
On the flip side, we also talked about the actor observer bias, where I think that I don't have much of a problem.
It's you that has a problem with social media and with media in general.
This is human nature, people.
It's human nature.
4:19
I don't think we're the ones with the problem that it's our spouse.
I think just about every divorce attorney in America would agree with that statement.
There's this bias going on that I am pure and innocent and you are evil.
4:38
That's kind of like that black and white thinking too that we talked about in our bias, black and white.
4:44
Legal Consequences, Personal Choices, and Digital Pitfalls
I did actually do a little deep dive on what attorneys say about media and the impact that media and especially social media has on marriages.
And they did a study among divorce attorneys.
And I think it was something like 80 or 90% of them said technology weighs in somewhere in the divorce proceedings, whether it's that they've been spying on their spouse, whether it's that they've met up with an old flame.
5:14
And we're going to get into…
5:15
That today so yeah.
So it can become very significantly damaging to a marriage.
So I'm excited Scott's going to kind of take the lead on this one.
I'm excited to see what he found on social media.
5:29
You know how?
5:30
Do.
5:31
You know how hard this is my love.
Just disclosure here to everyone.
I don't have any active social media accounts.
I know that sounds crazy.
I set them up at one point but I have purposely blocked myself from all social media.
5:48
Why would you do that?
5:50
Just so I can't be tempted to waste time and to also be tempted to perhaps visit different things that I shouldn't and…
6:02
That makes you a real man.
6:03
Well, see, I mean, but after a while you kind of get used to it, right?
And I'm enjoying all this free time because now I can do a marriage podcast.
6:11
That's right.
6:12
Instead of just…
6:13
Light into the world.
6:14
Reacting to whatever somebody said, you know, on my feed we do have our Marriage IQ accounts which we love and hold dearly, but I have no idea what to do with them.
6:24
My assistant and I take care of all of that and on occasion I show Scott what we put.
6:29
Up all right, so I just thinking early earlier today, what are some negative things on social media that can really play out in either personally or in a relationship?
And one of them is a complaint would be my spouse is doom scrolling on Instagram all the time and has no time for me or those people on YouTube.
6:50
They've got it together.
They're perfect and I'm not.
6:53
Yeah, the ones that have the huge beautiful houses and show you how to decorate or the ones who are constantly traveling, actually.
That's the reason that I quit posting almost exclusively about our travel experiences on social media.
7:10
We travel a lot, but we don't want to like man in your face.
7:13
Kind of thing, put stuff on there about our Africa trip because that was very unusual.
7:17
So here's another thing you might hear or think I found my tribe on Twitter or X, whatever they call it these days.
They all seem to get me and nobody else does.
Everyone outside my tribe are intolerant fools.
7:34
Have you ever been on there?
7:36
Twitter. Yeah, I think once.
7:39
Is that really what they say?
7:42
But these are things like I know, but they do find out.
7:45
Echo.
7:45
Chambers exist everywhere, especially on the social media.
Echo chambers are we just surround ourselves with people who think like us and we can't get out of that little hatted cell to smell the real air.
8:01
All right, so the someone else might say maybe on Reddit about husbands complaining about their wives or wives complaining about their husbands not helping out enough at home.
8:14
Yeah, he actually did find a Reddit account that had thousands of people chiming in about their stay home wives who complain so much that they're not helping out at home.
8:27
You can find it all, folks.
8:28
They'll all agree.
8:29
They will all agree with you.
In fact, chat will agree with you too.
8:33
Scott loves to tell chat where chat is wrong.
8:36
Well, I mean, they've trained it now to start arguing with you.
So I think so it makes you maybe I found my addiction.
I'm trying to teach, chat about certain things that I won't talk about right now because… all right, another one.
8:52
I caught my spouse cheating on me with an old flame on Facebook.
8:56
That's not laughable.
I'm sorry.
That is really terrible.
And actually a large number of the divorce attorneys, yes.
9:02
That is the problem.
I would say divorce attorneys would agree.
I'm not one, but I feel pretty safe in saying that's probably a good chunk of people.
9:12
Social Media: A Two-Edged Sword Like the Coke Bottle
OK, so this all of this reminds me of this movie from the 1980s.
9:18
That we watched when?
9:19
We were 80s people.
9:20
When we were in Rwanda, we watched it.
9:22
The gods must be crazy.
If you've ever seen it, you will start laughing right now.
If you haven't, you now have it your Friday night movie choice to go look it up.
9:33
Strange.
9:34
Gods must be crazy.
Basically what it's about: there's this tribe in Botswana, in Africa.
No contact with the outside world whatsoever.
They live very happily in their own tribe, their own villages.
Life is simple.
9:50
They live off the land.
9:51
Families are strong.
9:52
Outside, yeah, families all get along.
They sing, they dance, they eat together.
And one day there's an airplane flying over and whenever this tribe would look up into the sky, they said, oh, there's the gods up there.
They're trying to send a message or they're doing something up there and this guy flying his airplane just carelessly opens up the window and he's finished drinking his Coca-Cola in a glass bottle, opens the window, throws it out, doesn't think twice about it.
10:22
And it falls on the ground.
This adorable little tribesman picks it up and had never seen anything like it before.
It's very new, very unique.
Everyone's just mesmerized with this Coke bottle.
10:42
They started using it for all these things: cooking, other things with clothing; it was so versatile.
They thought, wow, the gods love us so much.
They sent us this tool.
They can do so many things.
But then…
11:04
People started to get jealous.
Hell, it's my turn to use it.
No, it's my turn.
And so they started fighting, squabbling in their little tribe.
Eventually somebody hit another kid on the head with it, and it was bad.
11:24
Then the tribal leader said, "The gods must be crazy by sending us this thing."
So they tried to send it back to the sky.
Of course, it fell to the ground and hit another kid.
Finally, he decided to go to the end of the earth and drop it off the edge.
11:41
And so that's the basis for this movie.
But why did I spend so much time talking about an esoteric movie from the 1980s?
Well, you just need to get in my head, folks.
What can I say?
But also, I found a really great parallel with social media.
11:59
Social media came out, really started hitting in the mid 2000s.
We were thinking, oh God, look at this.
Great, this is awesome.
I can keep up with my friends, my family.
I can see what everyone's doing.
We can have these little communities and chats and I don't have to travel.
12:17
We can just get with each other.
It was really cool for a lot of people who wanted to connect.
But just like the movie, The Gods Must Be Crazy, inevitably, it started causing feelings of jealousy, envy, disgust, offense, feeling inadequate.
12:41
Oh, there's so much research on that.
12:44
And feelings of contempt do.
12:46
You want to explain what contempt is?
12:48
I think it's the mix between anger and disgust.
12:52
And you're not as…
12:54
Good.
13:08
And condescending.
Yes, I'm better than you.
Yes, you're right.
That's correct.
Feelings perhaps we didn't have to deal with before Facebook, Instagram, etc.
13:16
Understanding Addiction, Jealousy, and Mental Health in Relationships
There's actually quite a bit of research on how using social media can affect us personally.
On Tuesday, we talked about how this really affects the marital sphere, but also individually—these emotions and feelings we never would have had without social media.
13:40
Right, because the feelings that we feel are internal.
The initial impacts start with us.
13:50
That's true and it will bleed into the marriage for sure.
So what are some of these things that happened to us in this day and age of social media?
Well, one is addiction.
There's a researcher, Deng and colleagues.
They found that the short form videos like YouTube Shorts, Instagram or Facebook Reels are particularly addictive.
14:17
And they found, in this case, particularly addictive to older couples.
14:21
Wow, really?
14:23
Yeah, research on older couples.
The short form gives that little dopamine hit, just enough to keep scrolling.
14:37
Interesting. I would have guessed newlyweds, younger people.
14:47
Bites. They found this in older people too.
14:50
Wow, fascinating.
14:51
Hey, are we older?
14:53
No.
14:54
OK.
I didn't think this applied to us.
We're definitely not in the older group.
15:09
Heavy use of these short form videos is associated with negative feelings about both themselves and their perceived marital quality.
Wives tended to look more negatively toward their husbands than husbands toward their wives.
15:34
Although I think it can be the other way around.
15:40
It certainly can be, yes, but in these population-based studies, it showed wives were affected a bit more.
15:55
Another thing besides addiction: jealousy.
If one spouse perceives their spouse is talking to someone of the opposite sex more intimately than they'd like, they become jealous.
16:16
I was talking to a guy who saw on his wife's social media she was talking to an old boyfriend with little heart emojis. It impacted him significantly.
16:45
It's really important if you're going to be on any platform interacting with others to discuss what is appropriate and what is not because you may not see eye to eye.
17:23
Sounds like a couples council coming for others talking to members of the opposite sex online.
Jealousy can increase surveillance—spouses monitoring social media usage.
This leads to lower relationship quality when we surveil our spouse all the time.
18:21
Trust deteriorates over time if there's lack of trust.
18:28
A small percentage of couples admitted to social media infidelity behaviors. Those who did had greater ambivalence about the relationship and greater anxious attachment.
19:07
It's probably a cycle: anxious attachment → social media usage → spouse reaction → more anxiety.
19:51
Acknowledging the cycle is half the solution.
20:17
Heavy social media use can exacerbate anxiety and depression.
20:59
Balance is key, it’s a lifetime of learning, refining, and negotiating boundaries together.
21:41
Remind each other when sliding into old patterns.
22:07
Turning Screens into Tools for Intimacy and Connection
We can’t stop social media, but we can be intentional.
22:29
Social media can enhance confidence and romantic feelings when declaring relationship status publicly.
23:07
It can also increase jealousy.
24:01
Social media enhances connectedness to family, but intentional use matters.
25:05
I’ve blocked myself; emails and texts only.
25:43
Technoference is irritating if it interferes with shared time.
26:08
Stop scrolling occasionally. Ask: Why am I doing this?
26:29
Can train algorithms to show positive content to reduce negative feelings.
27:04
Am I connecting with my spouse?
27:30
Track usage via apps or timers.
28:15
Set “no phone” zones together. Discuss acceptable interactions with old friends.
29:18
Discuss identity, intentionality, insight, and intimacy:
Who am I and how do I present myself?
Sit with spouse, ask if actions benefit self and marriage, use social media together intentionally.
30:16
Any questions, concerns, complaints, reach out at hello@marriageiq.com.
Share with friends and family. We love you and look forward to seeing you next week on another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.

Heidi Hastings https://www.drheidihastings.com