Episode 29. No Girls Allowed: A Men’s Guide to Intimacy
In this thought-provoking episode of Marriage IQ, Dr. Scott Hastings addresses men exclusively, offering insights into masculine intimacy and its crucial role in relationships. With a blend of personal anecdotes, scientific research, and practical advice, Dr. Hastings challenges common misconceptions about men and intimacy. The episode ends with our very own Intimacy IQ test for men, encouraging them to elevate their marital relationships.
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Welcome to Marriage iQ, the podcast for the intelligent spouse.[00:00:08 - 00:00:10]
I'm Dr. Heidi Hastings.[00:00:10 - 00:00:12]
And I'm Dr. Scott Hastings.[00:00:13 - 00:00:31]
We are two doctors, two researchers, two spouses, two lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose. To transform the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.[00:00:34 - 00:02:01]
Hello to all you intelligent spouses out there. Welcome back to another breathlessly exciting episode of Marriage iq. We, your most gracious yet adorable hosts, intelligently guide you by intricately and expertly weaving your marriage like a thread through a needle. From sorry to superb, stale to stellar, sucky to scintillating and horrible to hallelujah. Now it's time to get down to business. And when we say business, we mean this episode is going to be all about men. In fact, in a gesture to all men everywhere who may feel somewhat disoriented on this program, we are here to say that today's podcast is for you only. Yes, that's right. Men only. If you are listening right now and happen to be a woman, you may now push the stop button on your phone and never return to this episode again, because today is not for you. Keep moving along and have a great day. There is one woman allowed today who also happens to be the executive producer of this podcast and who barely gave me the permission to go down this radical road today. And that woman is my wife, Dr. Heidi Hastings.[00:02:04 - 00:02:07]
Thank you for allowing me this pleasure.[00:02:08 - 00:02:11]
Well, she's allowed because I, quite frankly, have to allow her.[00:02:12 - 00:02:14]
But do you want me to leave?[00:02:14 - 00:02:15]
She's still. No. You're allowed.[00:02:15 - 00:02:16]
You can leave if you want.[00:02:16 - 00:07:07]
You're allowed. Now, if you are a woman still listening at this point and you're beginning to feel somewhat jilted about being excluded from today's program, I'd like to give you the same tender advice I give all of my children when they feel ignored, unappreciated, or left out. Suck it up, buttercup. Life's unfair. Get used to it. For now, I love you. Now, if you're a woman still listening, I cannot stop you. However, please proceed with caution. I warn you, just like the lifeguard at the beach at high tide, we are moving into dangerous territory. This is a men's only podcast for the next 30 or so minutes. So please don't tell me you're offended by something I said today. I gave you fair warning. You chose to ignore it. Perilous moments may lay ahead for you. So I just push that stop button now and wait for next week's Episode when we resume our normal programming schedule. Okay, men, now I'd like to talk to you mano e mano, hombre y hombre, dude to dude. Now that I have you all with no women present, I'd like to talk to you about a few things. See if you can relate. If you're like me, you probably grew up like most other boys. I remember as a toddler, I liked blocks, then Legos, then Matchbox cars. I remember I loved trains. Oh man, trains were the best. I remember a train set our family got from Santa one Christmas. I think I was 6 or 7. And remembering something like, man, this is the greatest day of my entire life. I remember dreaming of becoming a fireman when I grew up. And when I was about eight, that's all I could think about. I thought it was the absolute coolest thing a boy could possibly do. I loved tricycles, big wheels, and making forts in the living room. I loved Saturday morning cartoons and running barefoot down the sidewalk on hot summer afternoons. I remember grape and cherry snow cones, blue tongues, Lycamades, Pixie sticks and chico sticks. Yep, that dates me. This was my childhood. Girls were these strange creatures who I never quite understood. They always seemed to be just really weird. Incessantly pretending that this doll is actually a baby, feeding, changing it, playing house to me was. It was boring and pointless. Why would I be interested in anything so utterly domestic when I could be jumping at the call for help into that big red truck with the lights and sirens blasting while I barreled down through all the red lights so I could single handedly drown out yet another fire and save a little family from certain death and destruction and by so doing, become a hero to the entire world. Yes, my childhood. I have three sisters, one older, two younger than me and my mom. So I've always been exposed to females over my life. Part of what made all this so confusing to a boy's brain like me was that I learned really early on that despite all these really weird things about girls, I kind of liked them. I remember I had a crush on my first. Yes, first grade teacher, Ms. Garcia. Yeah, I know I must really be into older women. Fast forward about 18 years and I'm walking down the sidewalk minding my own business and out of the blue, bam. I hear a voice somewhere that says, you are going to meet your wife today. And I did. And that girl is sitting right across from me right now. But I will just say that white tulips were part of our wedding day. And it started on the day I asked her to marry me on Valentine's Day. I gave her a white tulip. And every Valentine's Day since then for the past 29 years.[00:07:08 - 00:07:37]
You're right. That day really was not just the start of our romantic and exciting life together, our scintillating life together, but also a really great pathway that was filled with struggle and growth. That was the day that we began to learn the powerful reality about how men and women are so different from each other, but how we truly need each other to become the best versions of ourselves and each other.[00:07:38 - 00:08:36]
Thank you, Heidi. Today I want to talk about the woman for all the men out there, the woman in your life. If you're not married, then the woman who may or will be in your life. I'm speaking to you not from a religious, political, or even scientific point of view. I'm speaking from an intimately masculine point of view. Whenever I talk about men and intimacy, I hear muffled chuckles. Men in intimacy? Why is that? Why do these words, men in intimacy, look and sound so awkward when being put together? Look, I know we men came into this world with our own set of uniquely male traits, thoughts and behaviors. We had no instruction manual on how to become intimate with a woman. I don't know if any of us men have really moved on from the mystique, the perplexity and downright confusion that women create for us.[00:08:36 - 00:08:40]
And that's pretty obvious sometimes, or we.[00:08:40 - 00:13:24]
Create with our experience with them. On one hand, you know as well as I know that certain hormones we've talked about on this podcast before, they start really kicking in at around age 11 or 12, and they really don't let us alone until we're either dead or in our 90s. It drives us like a freight train toward these mystical creatures called women. I remember like it was yesterday after the first time we kissed on Heidi's back lawn at 3am while waiting for the crowds to disperse after a football game. It was our first date. I'll tell you, there is nothing more powerful, a powerful force in this universe that could have kept me away from being with her. My every waking thought, feeling desire, was consumed with one singular passion to be with this strange, mystical being they call woman. As a man, you intrinsically know and are hardwired deep in your soul that you want, you desire, you need, you yearn for a connection so deep, lasting and meaningful with a woman. I can tell you of all the studies supporting the idea that men in a long lasting and committed relationship live longer, are healthier, are happier, are more successful, and have more meaning than those who are not married. There's Lee Lillard, Marital Status and Mortality, 1996. Marriage and Men's Health, 2019. Ann Balter, the Effect of Marital Status on Life Expectancy, by Brad Wilcox, 2023. Brad Wilcox, men and Marriage Debunking the Ball and Chain Myth, 2017. This research goes on and on. I'll stop there. But there's a book Brad Wilcox wrote called Get Married and is chock full of other studies. Indeed, creating a meaningful marriage may actually be the single most effective tool in reducing your risk of long term health and mortality. Just think about it. Lowering your risk more than cholesterol medicine, blood pressure medicine, other medications, even diet. Do you see why this topic is so important to us? What greater purpose in life is there than to inspire, to educate, to enhance perhaps the greatest power in this world? The power of one man and one woman, together embraced in each other's arms as one for all eternity. Yeah, that's pretty powerful, dude. Speaking of power, we talked about power in episodes nine and 10. If you haven't heard those yet, I encourage you to listen to them. Feminine and Masculine Power. Let me tell you a little bit about feminine power. I guess the word on the street is that women are the weaker sex. I remember going to the gym a few months ago, trying to prep for this hike to the Grand Canyon and I saw this middle aged woman on the stair stepper just looking like she's not really doing much. I'm like, oh wow, I'm going to try this because Heidi said I need to try it for the Grand Canyon. So I started doing it and I put it on the same setting that she had and within three minutes I was dying and sweating and sweating and my heart rate was literally like 160 and she wasn't even breaking a sweat. It's like, holy sh. Yeah, women are tough. So men, you are likely to be physically bigger and stronger than your wife. Respect your body by respecting hers. That means when she says no, that doesn't mean yes. That means no. Period. Real masculine men know this and they respect it. Every woman in a committed relationship deserves their own special red carpet experience from their man. That means opening doors for her. That means sitting with her. I mean really sitting, listening and interacting.[00:13:24 - 00:13:25]
Being present.[00:13:25 - 00:13:49]
Being present. That means recognizing everything she does for you. That means cooking dinner, washing dishes, bathing the kids while she watches her favorite TV show. That means being intentional with finding out who she is. Well, I already know my wife. Bonkers. Maybe.[00:13:49 - 00:13:58]
Can I go back? Maybe she doesn't Want to watch a TV show? Maybe she wants to read medical journals. Maybe she wants to read social science journals.[00:13:58 - 00:14:00]
Maybe. Absolutely.[00:14:00 - 00:14:05]
Or other scintillating and intelligent kinds of activities.[00:14:06 - 00:15:24]
Yeah, well, we've been married 25 years. I know my wife. Bonkers. That means when your wife takes her clothes off and stands in front of you completely naked, she's taken a huge chance on you, man. An enormous chance. She is telling you without telling you. Here I am. I'm fully exposed to you. I'm bearing my soul to you. I'm taking this risk with you because I want to feel loved and cherished. Please love me. Hold me, caress me. Fill my soul with your soul. Please be tender. Please create a special moment that we can both share. Remember, you are breathing rare air here, man. You have a naked wife in front of you. Don't blow it. Speaking of not blowing it, I've got a beef to talk about. And, Heidi, you can jump in if you want here. There are several studies that report the average length of time for sex is about five to six minutes.[00:15:24 - 00:15:29]
Right. Shalom Levitt talked about that on episode 22, I believe.[00:15:29 - 00:16:23]
Yes, five to six minutes. Now, other studies out there report that men really like seeing their wives turned on and like seeing them orgasm. According to a study in the Journal of Sex Research, most men find bringing their wives to orgasm as a, quote, masculinity achievement that makes them feel manlier. Okay, now let's put that in context of other studies showing that the average time for a woman to climax, according to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, it takes about 14 minutes and sometimes 20 or more, and definitely more as women age. So. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute here. Houston, we have a problem.[00:16:23 - 00:17:01]
Yeah, let me see if I understand what you're saying here. Okay, first, it takes about 14 or more minutes for a woman to orgasm, and yet the average length of time for sex is about six minutes. But men feel manlier when he's able to bring his wife to orgasm. So we definitely have a problem here. Either I think maybe the women are faking it, the research is just plain wrong, or possibly men are lying about really wanting to pleasure their woman instead of themselves.[00:17:02 - 00:17:22]
But you don't need an advanced degree to recognize that the, quote, average sexual encounter at six minutes equates to warming up the car in the female sexual world, which means there is no way a lot of these women are actually having orgasms if these numbers are actually true.[00:17:22 - 00:17:22]
Right.[00:17:23 - 00:17:28]
And on top of that, do you know what the average length of time for men to orgasm is.[00:17:28 - 00:17:28]
Tell me.[00:17:29 - 00:18:14]
Yeah, that's right. Five minutes, dudes. This is not looking good for you. Five minutes for you to orgasm. The average time for sex is six minutes. Mm. Mm. That means you're getting off without thinking about your woman. Not okay. So let me ask you men, and I want an honest answer. Do you really want to see your wife orgasm, or are you too interested in just getting off then rolling over and sleeping? I mean, this is a real problem. If this is true, this should really be illegal. Don't get me wrong. Six minutes of sex is totally fine sometimes. And you both.[00:18:14 - 00:18:15]
There's a good place for that. Definitely.[00:18:15 - 00:18:55]
Yeah. You both really need to be in the same head space for this to happen so your wife doesn't feel neglected. I realize that six minute sex is okay at times, but let me ask you, is eating at Burger King or In n Out fine? Sometimes. Yeah. But do you eat there for every meal? If you do, you need some serious help, my man. Let's work on a little bit of this. Let's talk about a fine dining experience, okay? Instead of Burger King or In N Out or Chick Fil A, whatever. Pick your favorite. Let's talk about a fine dining experience, right?[00:18:55 - 00:19:02]
We did talk about that a couple of episodes ago, but it bears repeating because we don't know that the men were listening to that episode.[00:19:02 - 00:19:39]
Right? Let's talk about sensate touch. This is going to be new for a lot of you. A sensate touch is an activity that allows you to slow down, slow way down. You're being intentional about your touch. Very light touch. One finger. The pad of your finger going down very slowly. The parts of your wife's body on her skin avoiding, at least initially, the erogenous zones.[00:19:39 - 00:19:40]
Right?[00:19:40 - 00:19:59]
It's only going to be arms, chest, back, legs, abdomen, feet, feet. Very slowly, very light. One finger touch. Set a timer for 20 minutes very, very slowly on your wife's body.[00:19:59 - 00:21:03]
You know, Scott, I remember learning about sensate touch for the first time when I was training with Dr. Shalom Levitt in her sexual mindfulness project. Sensei touch has been around for a long time. It was actually a concept that was created by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s. So it's been around for about 60 years now. But it was foundational to the idea of sex therapy. So initially they just used this for couples who are having biological, physical, or psychological issues with sex. And they found this to be very, very helpful in helping them recover and have a better sexual relationship with each other. But Dr. Shalom. Leavitt then took this same idea and applied it to. Maybe it's not just necessary for those that have problems, but that it can also be used to enhance the sexual experience for those who have already pretty good experiences. So sensate touch is. It's a really great tool.[00:21:03 - 00:21:26]
And enhance it does. So here's the thing, men. You can do the exact same thing and have totally different outcomes. When you're doing sensate touch on your wife's body, you must be focused on her. You cannot think about anything or anyone else. If you do.[00:21:26 - 00:21:27]
Ball game.[00:21:27 - 00:21:49]
Yeah. If you do, you just come back to it. You come back because your wife will feel the difference. You can be doing the exact same thing and be totally into it emotionally or totally checked out. Your wife will be able to tell the difference. I promise. So try it.[00:21:49 - 00:21:51]
Mindfulness. Right there.[00:21:51 - 00:24:45]
In addition to that, you know, it's funny. There's a lot of books and magazines talking about mechanics of sex. You can be well versed in the latest tricks. But if you don't come to the bedroom with that pure desire, that pure passion, that pure purpose to make this the most wonderful experience for your wife, then you'll wonder why all these tricks and tips don't end up creating that scintillating lovemaking that you are so desperate to find. You must love and be in love with the woman you are making love to. How about trying sex that lasts for an hour, two hours? How about scheduling your sex so that's on both of your schedules? You clear your schedule and nothing else is planned. Oh, but my wife is cranky, she's mean, I'm not attracted to her. She puts me down, she criticizes me, she spends too much money, she's depressed all the time, blah, blah, blah. I don't want to downplay real pathology here, men. That is the case sometimes. That does exist in our female counterparts. That's true. But that's for another day. We'll tackle that later. Today we're talking about what you and you alone can start doing right now to help your wife seize the mantle of her feminine power that she rightly possesses. Now, I want to talk a little bit about pornography. So, men, we are hardwired to view naked women. Get over it, move on, don't try to tell me, not me, I don't do that, etc. Etc. The numbers are consistent and have been consistent for years. Nearly all men, everywhere. It doesn't matter if you're religious or not. They look at naked women having sex online and a Sizable majority do so often at least once a month. Having said all that, that does not make it right. While this is an explanation, it is not an excuse. Okay. Porn will never ever be good for a long term committed relationship. Let me repeat. Porn will never ever be good for a long term sustained committed relationship. If you wanted to defend porn, I'm sure you could point to the plethora of so called studies showing how.[00:24:45 - 00:24:48]
Really a plethora? It's an emerging field.[00:24:48 - 00:25:03]
But it's okay, a few studies, you're right, there's not a plethora. I was wrong. There are a few studies that show how porn can improve sexual satisfaction and relationships.[00:25:03 - 00:25:08]
Well, sexual communication, a few other elements.[00:25:08 - 00:25:27]
However, you also might note that most of these studies, these few studies were conducted on college students engaged in short term relationships. Huh, Interesting. Are you kidding me? Horning college students with a boyfriend or a girlfriend.[00:25:27 - 00:25:34]
They throw in, you know, a couple of 30 or 40 year old college students to make the average age bump.[00:25:34 - 00:27:43]
Up a little bit. So let's turn to the Archives of Sexual Behavior 2020. This is a meta analysis. If you don't know what that is, that's a study of studies and we try to get patterns out of all these studies. In this case it's done by Samuel Perry. They looked at 30 national surveys over 40 years from 1973 to 2018 on pornography and relationship quality. And I quote, for married and unmarried Americans alike, pornography use was either unassociated or negatively associated with nearly all relationship outcomes. Pornography use was never positively associated with any relationship quality. Viewing pornography is nearly always a signal of poor relationship quality for men and women, unquote. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Viewing other people having sex simply cannot and will not strengthen your committed monogamous relationship over the long term period. Please don't fool yourself into thinking that porn will be good for your relationship. Porn sex is performance based, has zero true intimacy. It creates self worth problems. It's distorted, creates distorted perceptions of what true love really is. True masculine intimacy means showing up for your wife day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. You are present. You're here with her right now. I know it can be tempting to think of quick solutions to her problems so you can get back to work, Right? But guess what? She doesn't usually want a quick solution. She wants to know that you are emotionally invested enough in this relationship that you're willing to talk with her.[00:27:43 - 00:27:44]
Yes.[00:27:44 - 00:27:46]
Do you, do you agree with that?[00:27:46 - 00:27:49]
Yes. She wants you all in. She wants…[00:27:49 - 00:27:53]
To know that you are into her, Right? You agree?[00:27:53 - 00:27:54]
Absolutely.[00:27:54 - 00:29:33]
Remember, men, your wife is the one who has to menstruate every month. And she doesn't get to choose this, by the way. This includes pain, cramping, bloating, nausea, bleeding, what seems to us guys an inordinate amount of blood. Your wife is the one who does the equivalent of climbing mountains daily for nine months. She gets to pass through the freaking valley of the shadow of death just so she can bring your child into this world. Then she gets to be rewarded for that effort by leaking from just about every orifice for months after that. That's not all. Men. Most of them work. They go to work on top of all that so they can help pay the bills, stuff that you spend. I don't have any earthly idea why they do this. I don't know. Why do they all do all these? And they make dinner every night. They put the kids to bed. I don't know. I think it has something to do with those dolls and playing house at age 5. I think it's hardwired in their DNA. They want to be with you with your hardwired DNA to be desired, loved, to love, to yearn, to give and to take in a lifelong union between two people in a marital relationship, that really means something. You know, I saw a video on YouTube. It's called all about the Nail.[00:29:33 - 00:29:35]
I think we highly recommend that one.[00:29:35 - 00:29:36]
Just look it up.[00:29:36 - 00:29:37]
Yep.[00:29:37 - 00:33:39]
That you're gonna laugh. All about the Nail. A man and a woman in a relationship. Just watch it, watch it and laugh. Think of me. All right, man, it's quiz time. I want you to take the Marriage IQ Masculine Intimacy IQ test. Are you ready? That way you can see how far along the path you are to become the quintessential intimate male. Each yes answer gets one point, and then we tally them at the end. Are you ready? All right, number one. There are 17 questions I'm going to go through. One, do you know mostly who you are, yes or no? Two, do you excitedly, not begrudgingly, think about your wife more than three separate times in a given day? Number three. Do you excitedly, not begrudgingly call or text your wife at least once a day? Number four. Do you excitedly, not begrudgingly, make dinner, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, or some other household chore at least five times per week? Number five. Do you excitedly, not begrudgingly, open your wife's car door and any other door when you go places? Number six. Do you understand the difference between the words excitedly and begrudgingly because it's really important? Number seven. Do you ask your wife daily about how her day went, then listen with uninterrupted attention? Number eight. Do you see your wife as a queen or a princess of the highest nobility who deserves all the strength, support and protection you can give? Number nine. Would your wife say that you're not a narcissist if she was asked? Number 10. Do you go on weekly dates together to talk about your relationship and not children? Number 11. Do you know how to read the room and get a sense for your wife's emotional state and then respond in a supportive manner? Number 12. Do you treat each moment of your sexual experience with your wife regularly as a fine dining experience by being intentionally present and not just noticing, but appreciating your wife's exquisite touch, scent, taste and sight? Number 13. Do you prepare for your lovemaking by making sure you have a soft blanket, soft music, soft lights, lubricant, Viagra or some other medicine, if needed, necessary tools to enhance your wife's sexual experience? Number 14. Do you patiently and gently wait for your wife to orgasm before you do? Number 15. Do you ask your wife at times how you can make her sexual experience better for the future? Her likes, dislikes, speed, motion, anything? Number 16. Do you take responsibility for cleanup after sex, including putting away or washing the blanket, washing and sanitizing, charging a vibrator, putting away lubricants and warmers, blowing out candles, turning off music, etc. Etc. Number 17. Do you want, truly want in the bottom of your heart to become the kind of man that gives your wife butterflies every time she sees you? All right, How'd you do? Men, if you scored six or below, you need an emergency life saving course in male intimacy.[00:33:40 - 00:33:42]
Maybe we ought to create that.[00:33:42 - 00:34:40]
If you scored 7 through 9, you are a work in progress. There is significant room for growth. If you keep going 10 through 12, you're well on your way to becoming the intimate masculine man your wife deserves? 13 through 15, you are an intimate man rock star who is becoming, not just doing, and your wife knows it. 16 and 17, you are among the Greek gods your wife cannot get enough of you. Don't forget to sharpen that saw frequently. We will end this episode. I want to quote from the wildly popular 1999 movie Notting Hill, when Julia Roberts stands in front of Hugh Grant and says, I am just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.[00:34:41 - 00:34:46]
And with that, everyone, thanks for being with us and have a great week.[00:34:48 - 00:34:56]
And remember, the intelligent spouse knows that to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage first requires a change in themselves.[00:34:57 - 00:35:37]
Thank you all for tuning into Marriage IQ. We hope today's episode has sparked some wonderful thoughts and brought you valuable insights. Remember, the conversation doesn't end here. If you are interested in more information on this topic, or to learn more about what we do, check out our website, drhidihastings.com and if you get the chance, we'd love to have you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen. It really helps us get the word out about Marriage IQ, and we appreciate your support. Thanks again for listening. Keep exploring and we'll catch you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.
