Episode 109 - The Marriage Everyone Envied, Until It Ended
When a Marriage Looks Perfect but Isn’t: The Danger of “Astroturf” Love
There’s a line in an old love song that goes, “I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you.” It’s playful. Romantic. A little vulnerable. And in a strange way, it captures something deeply true about marriage: real love is rarely polished. It’s awkward. Honest. Sometimes uncomfortable. And almost never perfect.
That’s why it caught our attention when Nicole Kidman who has spoken beautifully about marriage for years shared advice that aligned closely with what we teach at Marriage IQ… only for news of her divorce to surface not long after.
It raises a difficult but important question:
How can a marriage look so good on the outside and still quietly fall apart on the inside?
The answer isn’t celebrity culture. It’s something far more common and far more human.
The Marriage That Looks Better Than It Feels
Nicole Kidman once said that a strong marriage requires honoring the me, the you, and the we. That idea fits squarely within the Marriage IQ cornerstone of identity the understanding that two whole people choose to build a shared life without losing themselves.
She also spoke about compromise, rituals, morning walks, holding hands, making time together. All good things. All healthy practices. And yet, as many of us have learned the hard way, having the right behaviors doesn’t guarantee a deeply connected marriage.
This is where the idea of astroturfing comes in. Astroturf looks lush and perfect from a distance. No weeds. No bare patches. No mess. But when you get close, there are no roots. Nothing growing underneath. Many marriages look like this.
Smiling photos. Date nights. Affection in public. Even good advice shared with others. Meanwhile, the hard conversations go unspoken. The inner lives drift apart. Two people begin living parallel emotional lives that only occasionally intersect. This isn’t hypocrisy. It’s self-protection.
Why Tips, Tricks, and “Hacks” Aren’t Enough
One of the most common questions couples ask is, “What’s the best tip for a great marriage?”
Be kind…
Do the dishes...
Communicate better...
Compromise more….
None of these are wrong but none of them go deep enough. You can do everything “right” and still feel disconnected if you’re not being honest with yourself first. You can compromise endlessly and quietly resent your spouse. You can appear loving while feeling unseen.
That’s why skills alone don’t save marriages.
Integrity does.
Integrity means your inner life matches your outer life. It means you’re not performing happiness instead of living it. It means naming the truth even when it’s messy, uncomfortable, or unfinished. When integrity is missing, the four cornerstones of marriage identity, intentionality, insight, and intimacy don’t have anything solid to stand on.
Identity Is Always Changing (Whether You Talk About It or Not)
One of the most overlooked realities of long-term marriage is this: you are not the same person you were when you said “I do.”.
And so do your spouse’s.
When couples don’t keep up with those changes when they stop asking Who are you now? and Who am I becoming? they often drift without realizing it. Astroturf marriages aren’t usually created by deception. They’re created by silence.
Silence about dissatisfaction….
Silence about longing…
Silence about fear that “this isn’t working the way I hoped it would…”
Ironically, saying nothing in order to keep the peace often erodes intimacy faster than conflict ever could.
Why Collaboration Beats Compromise
Nicole Kidman talked about compromise being essential in marriage. While compromise has its place, there’s something even healthier: collaboration.
Compromise often sounds like, “I’ll give this up if you give that up.”
Collaboration sounds like, “How do we both win?”
Collaborative marriages don’t keep score. They don’t trade sacrifices. They stay curious about each other’s dreams and look for solutions that honor both people. This is especially important when careers, ambition, or major life transitions are involved. When couples collaborate, no one has to abandon themselves in order to stay married.
The Real Work Happens Inside
At the heart of all of this is a simple but challenging truth:A scintillating marriage doesn’t begin with changing your spouse.
It begins with the courage to look inward.
Am I being honest about how I feel?
Am I telling myself a story that avoids discomfort? Am I showing the world a version of my marriage that feels safer than the truth?
We all AstroTurf at times. That doesn’t make us bad it makes us human. But lasting intimacy grows only when we’re willing to pull back the artificial layers and let real roots form. Because perfect-looking marriages aren’t the goal.
Authentic ones are.
And authenticity sometimes stinky, often beautiful, always real is where connection actually lives.
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I'm as right.Your footprint fills my head.The stars get ready to know the nights so blue.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you.
1:20
That brings back memories, wow.
1:23
Yes, we're talking about stupidity.
1:26
Early 2000s.
1:29
Actually, no.
A great song.
1:31
Robbie Williams and.
1:34
Nicole Kidman, who we will be talking about this evening.
1:38
Yes.
Speaking of Nicole Kidman, welcome to Marriage IQ.
Yes, we're glad you joined us today for another scintillating episode.
1:50
Analyzing Nicole Kidman's Marriage Advice and Our Cornerstones
And we found that Nicole Kidman, who sings one of our favorite songs, has been giving some marriage advice the last couple of years.
She's been in a long term marriage with husband Keith Urban for 19 years or so, nearly 20 years.
2:07
And that makes her an expert of sorts, I guess, right?
To be in marriage that long.
So.
2:15
We would just kind of wanted to see what her marriage advice is and if it matches with our four cornerstones to see if they have a scintillating marriage.
Right.
Yeah.
So tell me, Heidi, what did you?
2:29
Find OK, the first article that I found, she was being interviewed by Vogue Australia and she was asked if there's some great marriage advice that she has.
She said.
The greatest advice I was given is there's the individual, so there's the me and the you and then there's the we.
2:54
OK, that sounds like identity, my love.
2:57
It sounds like self differentiation to me, but.
3:00
Speaker 2
Which is part of identity.
3:02
Speaker 1
Then she continued to say, no one else has what you 2 create or what Keith and I create.
Any married couple who are partners, any people who've chosen to be in a relationship together, we create this.
So we decide what this is.
3:18
If you really like the person, really love them, but really like them too, it helps.
3:26
Speaker 2
Loving and liking someone are two different things.
3:28
Speaker 1
So that's some pretty good advice so far.
And then she goes on later in the interview to say compromise as well.
A lot.
It's always trial and error and sometimes it's imbalanced and then it gets back in balance.
3:48
We don't gloat about it.
People always ask, what's your marriage advice?
We don't have any.
Everyone just does their own thing and creates it.
I'm not some relationship guru, I'm just trying to find my own way.
4:04
OK, so let's see what 4 cornerstones did we find there in those quotes.
4:13
Speaker 2
Well, as I said earlier, kind of identifying themselves as part of this.
4:19
Speaker 1
I'm a me and.
4:20
Speaker 2
A you and together where we.
4:22
Speaker 1
We're separate, but we have a marital identity also.
OK.
So we've got identity about intentionality.
4:30
Speaker 2
Well, in another article we read that she and Keith go on morning walks.
They hold hands.
It's a morning ritual.
4:40
Speaker 1
Right.
4:41
Speaker 2
So that kind of fits in the intentionality cornerstone.
They're intentional about their mornings.
4:46
Speaker 1
I would agree with that and she also talked about how they love making time on the weekends just for them and the kids at home rather than always going out and doing social things.
So maybe weekend rituals as well?
4:59
Speaker 2
And then insight just recognizing, hey, this is hard and learning, recognizing that we need.
5:06
Speaker 1
To balance.
Yep, we.
5:07
Speaker 2
Need to rebalance, recalibrate and then intimacy.
She talks about this hack for great marriages having a dual shower head.
5:20
Speaker 1
Where Keith sings his country music, she sings her stuff, and yeah, sounds like a really sexy, intimate moment.
5:29
Speaker 2
They are hitting all of our four cornerstones here, my love.
Yes, but wait.
5:35
Nicole & Keith's Divorce: A Call for Compassion
Keith just filed for divorce a couple of months ago.
5:38
Speaker 2
Say what?
5:40
Speaker 1
Can you believe it?
5:43
Speaker 2
That's crazy.
We just went through our four cornerstones.
They had it all together.
What happened?
5:51
Speaker 1
Well, I wish I could tell you, but to be honest with you, I don't know Nicole Kidman, I don't know Keith Urban, I don't know their kids, I don't know their social circles, and I don't even watch her in very many movies.
6:06
Speaker 2
Well, and we're also here to say that for Nicole or anyone else going through this, we are not here to judge at all.
That is not our job, nor do we want to do this.
6:18
Speaker 1
No, and we don't want you to either.
When you see someone who's going through a divorce, please don't judge them.
Speaking from somebody who's been there, please don't judge them.
It's hard enough already.
6:34
Speaker 2
In fact, I feel like if I were to see either one of them, just wanting to give them a big hug and say, you know, we're here with you.
6:46
Speaker 1
Yeah, and some of her family members had told media outlets that she did really try.
She tried to keep the marriage together.
6:53
Speaker 2
So if Nicole Kidman is listening or watching our podcast, just know the Hastings love you.
7:01
Speaker 1
We support your efforts to try.
7:03
Speaker 2
You too, Keith.
7:04
Speaker 1
It is really interesting though, because just a few months ago, maybe it was a year or two ago actually, they were all the rage at like at all of the media outlets were talking about them because she was walking the red carpet with him.
7:21
They were dressed in matching outfits, matching tuxedos.
7:25
Speaker 2
And had.
7:26
Speaker 1
Very very passionate kiss.
Lots of field good romance vibes out there and who knew that underneath there were some tough things going on?
So.
7:39
Speaker 2
Where do we go with this?
I think this is hard.
7:42
Speaker 1
I think one thing to start with is to recognize almost everybody from time to time has hard things going on, and so to look at anybody and think that they have a perfect marriage is probably not realistic.
7:57
What do you think?
7:58
Speaker 2
That's not realistic at all.
8:01
The Concept of Astroturfing in Relationships
The stories that we tell ourselves and it this kind of gets back to as well, this whole concept of what I like to call astroturfing.
I don't know.
I don't think you're too fond of that term.
8:15
Speaker 1
Why would you say that?
Why don't you?
Why don't you ask me?
8:18
Speaker 2
Well, I have asked you and you said you didn't like that term.
8:21
Speaker 1
I don't recall saying that.
OK.
8:24
Speaker 2
Well, then maybe you do like it.
8:27
Speaker 1
I think it depends on the context that you use it.
8:30
Speaker 2
So we all have this kind of tendency to put out there something maybe different than what we want, what we think we are.
So Astroturf, if you are a football fan, well, no.
8:45
It's used in football stadium fields to play on.
They don't have to mow it.
They don't have to trim it.
8:54
Speaker 1
Very consistent.
It's.
8:54
Speaker 2
Because it's artificial.
8:56
Speaker 1
Looks perfect.
8:58
Speaker 2
Looks perfect.
It looks too.
9:00
Speaker 1
Perfect.
Not bumpy, just.
9:03
Speaker 2
But, but from a distance, it looks really great.
And once you get closer to it and you start seeing, oh, this is not real grass, they're not real roots here, and then you start to see the false appearance.
9:19
And I think it's just human nature.
I think we all do this to some degree.
9:25
Speaker 1
Let people see the best in US.
9:26
Speaker 2
Yeah, and I think all of us do this intentionally or unintentionally.
9:32
Speaker 1
Yeah, I can't imagine if you are two superstars like the two of them.
Keith with a country music career and her with many many, many blockbuster movies.
9:43
Speaker 2
I had no idea she was had that many blockbusters.
9:47
Speaker 1
Yeah, how?
9:49
Speaker 2
Big actress.
9:50
Speaker 1
Difficult that would be to, you know, just constantly be in the limelight and having people fan you, including your marriage.
10:01
Speaker 2
Yeah.
You know, and it comes up, I think it also of what are we missing here, this 4 cornerstones.
I think we need to probably step back and talk a little bit about the foundation or the bedrock of which the four cornerstones are built on, I think.
10:18
Speaker 1
That was our episode.
10:20
Speaker 2
6th That is yeah integrity which is starts with an I as well.
10:25
Speaker 1
If there's no integrity, the other 4 cornerstones cannot stand long term.
10:32
Speaker 2
So that brings up a point that at some point or another we're all going to be hypocrites to some degree.
We're all going to have that false pretense, that astroturf, and I think it's just learning how to recognize when it's there and recognize, wow, I may be living 2 parallel lives, right?
10:56
It looks exactly the same from the outside, but on the inside it's very very different.
11:02
Speaker 1
You know, there is also the possibility that they just wanted to keep some things personal because they're so public with so much of their lives and especially if it happened to be things that it's pretty ugly if you're throwing your spouse's or your ex's stuff out there.
11:23
Speaker 2
Yeah, I wouldn't know.
11:26
Speaker 1
You know, I guess that's kind of Taylor Swift style.
Maybe she just wanted to stay away from that.
11:32
Speaker 2
I wonder, too, about the stories that she might have been telling herself about.
Hey, this is wonderful, this is great, right?
Right, and confirming to herself and confirming with herself.
I think a lot of us do that as well.
11:48
Hey, this is really going well.
Here are the evidences of this going well.
11:53
Speaker 1
Well, and take him to consideration too, that she's playing roles of other identities all the time.
12:02
Speaker 2
She didn't have time to.
12:03
Speaker 1
She can act.
12:05
Speaker 2
Find out her own identity, right?
12:07
Speaker 1
That's a possibility, but she can act any way she tells herself.
12:11
Speaker 2
To act, you know, I'm just assuming all this.
She may be very well, you know, have a lot of internal self-awareness and self identity.
I have no idea.
I'm just posing things that could happen in a relationship where you think things might be going very well and in reality it's not.
12:29
Speaker 1
OK.
So what we're really talking about here, then is not Nicole Kidman and.
12:37
Speaker 2
It's anyone.
12:38
Speaker 1
Your husband, it's us, so all of us OK then what would a astroturfing look like in the common couple who's not walking the runways and not up on bus advertisements for the latest movie and.
12:56
Recognizing Astroturfing and Parallel Lives in Marriages
Yeah, well, you know, it's again just the kind of this appearance of everything's OK.
And I think too, This is why I have issues with skills.
13:13
Skills, tips, tricks, hacks.
13:17
Speaker 1
They.
13:18
Speaker 2
Don't actually teach you how to feel, how to internalize your autonomy, your freedom to choose.
It's just a trick or a tip.
What's?
13:34
Speaker 1
Your number one best tip?
Yeah.
What's your getting us back on track as quickly as possible?
13:38
Speaker 2
Be kind to each other.
Do the dishes.
I could do the dishes all day long and hate you.
13:43
Speaker 1
Yeah.
13:44
Speaker 2
Now, I don't hate you.
I love you very much.
13:47
Speaker 1
Good.
13:49
Speaker 2
I am deeply in love with you, but here's the thing.
Like it happens a lot.
13:54
Speaker 1
Yeah, here's something else to consider.
There is a trend, it's a growing trend of they call it Gray divorce of people when they hit their 50s.
Most often, a woman is completely taken by surprise.
14:12
Speaker 2
The woman is is the guy who leaves.
Is that what you're saying?
14:16
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah.
It's not always that, but I have seen a lot of podcasts out there and some articles who talk about that as well.
So it's possible she wasn't even aware that he was struggling with.
14:31
Speaker 2
The marriage do you usually take off with some woman who's like 30 years younger?
14:37
Speaker 1
Well, that's very likely in this case.
We have no idea, but it's kind of common that when you live these parallel lives that are meeting up on occasion, especially, I would say where both of you are famous or where one partner is working out of town a lot.
14:58
Yeah.
It's hard to connect as deeply.
And that may keep you in the dark and just be surprised if you're astroturfing it, right?
If you're just not talking about things, if you're not talking about.
I'm really struggling with this marriage or.
15:14
Speaker 2
Well, yeah, you think about roommate syndrome, which we've talked about, Yeah, multiple times, Yeah.
And even then, you could still have this astroturf and not have a roommate syndrome.
You can look like you have a fantastic marriage that's not a roommate syndrome marriage and still be astroturf.
15:35
Speaker 1
Look look like that on the outside.
15:38
Speaker 2
Or would that be?
15:39
Speaker 1
Your existence in your home.
15:41
Speaker 2
Well, I don't know.
I guess the bottom line is you're not internalizing it.
And that's really kind of what we're after here is what do I want internally?
What is my own desires, my own wants, my own?
The freedom to choose who I am.
15:57
And that's why identity is so important.
It's also so important to realize that identity is always changing over a lifetime.
We're just trying to keep up.
They're changing.
We age, our hormones change, our bones and vessels change over time, everything changes.
16:15
Our brain changes, The neuronal connections change over time, so we are literally becoming different people, different identities over time and we really need to stay tuned and attuned to that and be intentional about this is who I am and this is who I am wanting to become.
16:39
Does that sound right to you?
16:41
Speaker 1
Yes, I think that's part of the equation.
Another thought that just came to my mind when you're talking about integrity is if I'm really not happy in the marriage, but I never say anything about it because I'm astroturfing, isn't that a lack of integrity as well?
17:00
Because.
17:01
Speaker 2
Right.
17:02
Speaker 1
It just doesn't allow for those roots to.
17:04
Speaker 2
Yeah.
17:05
Speaker 1
To be planted.
17:07
Speaker 2
Integrity is really being your true authentic self.
17:10
Speaker 1
Right, If you need help with a therapist to do it, do that.
But bringing into conversations things that you're struggling with and being able to do so in a Safeway.
17:21
Speaker 2
You know, I think it's important to point out that we're not always going to be authentic 100% of the time.
Yeah, because we don't know how to be a lot of times or vulnerable or however you want to put it.
It's just going to happen because of our humanness.
17:37
I'm trying really hard to be authentic all the time, but I'm not there.
I don't.
I know I have blind spots.
And that's true for, I think, all of us.
But the more that we can get to our authentic self and know what that is, it makes it easier to facilitate away from astroturfing and toward authenticity and intimacy.
18:02
Speaker 1
So what if you're in a marriage where you want to talk about some things that are hard for you, but it's just not worth the response that you get, and so you just keep on skating on the top of the surface?
18:20
Is there a way, do you think, to connect more deeply somehow so you're not astroturfing, so you're not just putting on those happy faces for people to see on the outside?
Because that would seem really like you're living a lie.
18:37
Speaker 2
Right.
I think that happens a lot.
I think that it starts by seeking first to understand where your spouse may be coming from, their perspective on life, their perspective on things, seeking first to to understand it.
18:55
It may be very, very difficult and very hard.
18:58
Speaker 1
Making time for that.
19:00
Speaker 2
But OK, where is he or she coming from?
Let's look at their childhood.
Let's look at the things that they had to deal with as a child.
And a lot of times, if you dig deep enough, you start finding that you have a sense of compassion toward this person about what he or she had to deal with.
19:25
We all have trauma, all of us, and I'm not saying that's going to fix the relationship at all, but it does help open a little bit of that door to a conversation between the two of you when we start just trying to see what it's like from their point of view.
19:45
Why Collaboration is Better Than Compromise in Marriage
OK.
I'd like to ask about what you think about Nicole's quote that to have a good marriage, we need to compromise a lot.
19:55
Speaker 2
What do you think about that?
I'm not a big fan of the word compromise.
20:01
Speaker 1
But isn't that important in marriage?
20:03
Speaker 2
I like to think of the word collaborate.
20:07
Speaker 1
OK, tell me the differences.
20:08
Speaker 2
Well, compromise, and I'm not saying it's not ever off the table.
I'm not saying it's not ever something to consider, but compromise usually means I'm giving up something for you and vice versa.
20:25
We politicians compromise, you know, world leaders, things like that, compromise.
Businesses do that and that that's necessary at times.
But when you think more about collaborating, that means we are intentional about both of us having success.
20:46
Not I'm getting mine and forget you it's.
20:50
Speaker 1
Your turn to have your way, and then next time I'll have my way.
Yeah, It's not, it's not a.
20:54
Speaker 2
Transactional type of relationship.
You know, transactional types of relationships.
They lead to astroturfing because it's just a tit for tat.
It's a, you know, you got yours, I'm getting mine kind of a thing.
It's what we used to do when we were like 6 years old and my mom would say, Kevin, you cut the cake and Scott gets to pick the piece.
21:15
So you know, he's going to try to get a right down the middle because he knows I get a pick.
That's a transactional type of relationship.
21:23
Speaker 1
But I want to.
OK, so if you and Kevin are cutting the cake, how would you do it collaboratively?
21:31
Speaker 2
Well, we talk with.
21:31
Speaker 1
Each other seems like what you said was pretty fair.
What your mom came up with was pretty fair.
21:35
Speaker 2
That is pretty fair.
What if I talked to Kevin and I say, hey man, take me for a ride in your car?
Because he always had cool cars, right?
21:48
Speaker 1
And you can have the bigger piece.
21:51
Speaker 2
Just, you know, something where he feels good about showing off his car to me, right?
He wants to show off his car to me and I like to get in his car because it's cool.
And it always had a big loud bass stereo.
22:06
So we go on a ride around town and we bond as brothers.
That is a win win.
That's collaborative relationship and we eat the cake.
22:15
Speaker 1
So it reminds me of a little romantic movie that we watched over the weekend.
It's called The Wrong Paris.
She went on a reality TV show to get a plane ticket to Paris where she wanted to go to art school.
22:31
And instead of sending her to Paris, France, the plane with all of the girls on this reality show flew around for seven hours around Dallas and then landed in Paris.
22:44
Speaker 2
Texas spoilers alert for all of you.
I don't know.
I don't remember laughing so hard at a movie for a long time.
22:51
Speaker 1
So she was on a dude rant with this guy who was picking who his future wife would be.
And at the end when they send all of the ones home that he's not interested in, she has to decide between I think it was $250,000 and him.
23:09
And of course they'd fallen in love along the way.
But when it comes down to it, if she chooses him, she doesn't get to go to art school, she doesn't get to pursue her future.
If she chooses the money, she loses him.
23:25
So they collaborate together and he tells her take the money, just take the money.
And she's like but I don't want to lose you.
And he's like just trust me, take the money.
So she takes the money and then they choose each other outside of.
23:43
Speaker 2
The whole show they got.
23:45
Speaker 1
Both She didn't give up her dreams.
They talked about it and they collaborated together and I think they were actually in Paris, France.
23:54
Speaker 2
Yeah, they ended up in Paris, France.
23:55
Speaker 1
At the very end.
But yeah, when we're open with communication and we're looking at how both of us can fulfill our dreams while still prioritizing each other, that's really helpful in a case where they're two really famous people.
24:10
She spoke in her interviews about being so appreciative that he was supportive of her career, and I think she was of his.
But were there enough touch points along the way?
Were there enough deep conversations?
Was there a shared vision of their life together, or did they have so many goals?
24:30
Yeah, that was their focus.
24:32
Cultivating Shared Meaning and Individual Autonomy
So there are a couple of studies here, the one that you're referring to or that refers directly to that it's actually it's a Forbes article, not peer reviewed, sorry.
24:42
Speaker 1
But it was a big, it was a big study.
24:44
Speaker 2
It was a good study, just that shared reality and shared meaning that you both derive in a positive way where you're growing from it.
Like, so let's say something happens.
You don't plan on this happening.
25:00
Let's say you get in a car accident and one of you is terribly hurt or a child is hurt or killed even.
You do not plan on these things, but what you do is you both together take the same type of meaning from it.
25:16
You don't say this is all terrible.
You say, OK, there was a reason for this.
There was a purpose for this to happen, this terrible thing, and we are both growing.
25:30
Speaker 1
From that, maybe not even that there's purpose for it, but that regardless of what happened, there are opportunities that have come into our lives because of this.
People who've come into our lives, relationships that we've been able to form, being able to have deep conversations with each other, looking at different ways to accomplish things, learning new things.
25:56
Speaker 2
You can deal with addiction, you can deal with betrayal, you can deal with death by simply having this shared.
26:07
Speaker 1
Meaning making meaning actually is what I think you're talking about.
26:11
Speaker 2
Yeah, meaning making.
26:13
Speaker 1
But it does take time with all of those things.
Those are very traumatic and it takes some time to work through, sometimes a few years.
26:20
Speaker 2
There's another study by NI 2002 on autonomy.
Basically those people who say I intentionally choose this act, I intentionally choose you, Heidi, even though I'm a very different person now than when I was when we got married.
26:42
I'm very different.
Different hormones, different levels of hormones.
Anyway, my brains different, like there's so many different things.
But through all those changes, there is a very constant identity and that is that I want to be by your side despite all these other problems happening in my life.
27:04
Speaker 1
I've got so many hard things and cool things and scintillating things mixed up in this whole life experience that we've had together for almost 30 years.
And yeah, when you just focus on the hard, it seems pretty stinky.
27:22
But when we're able to pull out and see it from 30,000 feet up.
27:28
Speaker 2
It's.
27:29
Speaker 1
Yes, making meaning makes all the difference.
It's really cool.
27:33
Speaker 2
You know, there's another study Murray and homes.
27:34
The Importance of Rose-Colored Glasses in Marriage
This is kind of older 1996.
Sorry, that's it was a good one though the importance of wearing and we talked about this too wearing rose colored glasses.
Now some of you are saying well wait a minute, that's not the real world.
27:52
Well hold on here, let me back up.
I think it's OK to see the real world with a very little rose colored tint to it.
Regards to your spouse.
The problem is when you are now starting to move beyond objective, realistic expectations.
28:14
They're too rosy and only you get to.
28:18
Speaker 1
Decide how many people really do that, though.
28:21
Speaker 2
Well, it can happen just like anything else can.
28:23
Speaker 1
Happen but you.
28:24
Speaker 2
Can have this creep where it's like, OK, anything you do can go because I just see you as this wonderful person.
So it's it's learning how to have that again, that that moderation, that balance keep the Rose colored glasses on, but not too strong of a prescription.
28:42
Speaker 1
Well, the longer I live, the more I realize that all of us have good parts to us and all of us have not so good parts to us.
And when I focus on the not so good parts about you, I'm not very happy.
29:00
When I focus on the really good parts of you, I'm really happy.
It impacts the way I see life, the appreciation I have for very unique things about you.
29:11
Speaker 2
Yes, and annoying.
29:13
Speaker 1
Yeah, but those aren't typically.
29:17
Speaker 2
Oh, they can be pretty annoying, but you're so.
29:23
Speaker 1
Awesome.
But you're so awesome.
That's what I choose to look at.
Thank you, my love.
Annoying is forgivable, abusive is not.
29:31
Speaker 2
Yeah, that's true.
29:32
The Surprising Link Between Wedding Cost and Divorce
I wanted to add this before we we stopped this study.
It's not peer reviewed.
I know.
I kind of, you know.
29:41
Speaker 1
You went out to the dark side.
29:43
Speaker 2
Today it's not peer reviewed.
Francis Meowlin.
I think it was a dissertation, but I really liked it.
It looked pretty good.
29:50
Speaker 1
Dissertations aren't.
29:52
Speaker 2
They're not peer reviewed, but anyway, they found that if you spend $20,000 or more on your wedding, you are 3 1/2 times higher likely to divorce.
30:02
Speaker 1
Wow.
All right, those of you who are planning your kids weddings, how long ago was this?
30:08
Speaker 2
I did not get a date on it but I I'm thinking it's probably going to be at least 20 years old.
OK, so maybe bumping up to 30,000 now, but.
30:17
Speaker 1
Or 40.
30:17
Speaker 2
So I, I think part of this gets back to that astroturf thing, right?
Because when you're spending 10s of thousands of dollars on a wedding.
30:26
Speaker 1
Or hundreds of thousands.
Or millions.
30:28
Speaker 2
OK, Jeff Bezos, I get it.
The point is you're wanting to make everything look wonderful, and it does.
Have you been to these weddings?
It's like, no, have you?
No, but you see them on TV.
30:46
But that's it.
That's that's kind of the Astroturf like, OK, world, this is the perfection in action, right?
But in reality.
30:54
Speaker 1
It's not real life, right?
It doesn't guarantee anything.
And actually maybe there's a bit of entitlement there.
Yeah, sometimes.
31:03
Speaker 2
Well, that's kind of what I found.
31:05
Prioritizing Authenticity for a Truly Scintillating Marriage
Do you have anything that you'd like to add to that whole idea of like authenticity versus astroturfing?
31:13
Speaker 1
I think maybe one thing we can do is just look at ourselves and see, am I putting on a show for someone else?
What's my motivation?
Why am I doing what I'm doing?
If it's for good appearance or for any other motivation really other than to connect deeply or because there's something that we want to do because it sparks joy in us, take a look and see, is there a better way to do this?
31:44
Speaker 2
And we're not saying that Nicole Kidman is astroturfing.
I don't think we have that capacity to do it, but it just happens.
It happens to all of us and that's why we use that as an example that the four cornerstones aren't always going to work unless you are totally committed.
32:01
Speaker 1
And divorce is stinky.
And it's our goal to help as many people as we can not have to go down that path, first of all, but second of all, to just have a bright, shiny, exciting and real and authentic and scintillating and sometimes stinky, but more often scintillating.
32:27
Speaker 2
Marriage rolled up.
Yep, it's what makes life so exciting, folks.
32:31
Speaker 1
All right, everybody, thanks for being with us.
And we want you to remember that having a scintillating marriage first starts by making changes in myself.
32:41
Speaker 2
Yeah, indeed.
Be sure to share this with your friends, Listen to other episodes.
Reach out to us.hello@marriageiq.com if you have any questions, comments, just really spread the word.
We really want to be able to share this with other people.
Just know that the Hastings love you and we'll see you on another exciting episode of marriage.
33:01
Speaker 1
IQ.
