Episode 120 - Proposal Pro Secrets for Spicing Up Your Marriage
Why Proposals Still Matter?
There’s something undeniably romantic about a proposal.
Not just the ring. Not just the photos. But that moment - the pause in time when one person gets down on one knee and says,
“I choose you.”
Recently on Marriage IQ, Heidi flew solo to interview proposal planner and photographer Ash Fox, founder of The Proposal Podcast and a woman who has helped plan and capture over 3,000 proposals around the world.
What she shared wasn’t just about engagements.
It was about intimacy. Polarity. Leadership. Vulnerability.
And how to bring romance back, even decades into marriage.
Is It Romance ? Or Social Media?
Let’s be honest. Social media has changed everything.
Before Instagram, many couples didn’t even document their proposal. Now, beautifully captured proposals feel almost expected.
But while sharing the moment may be new, the desire underneath isn’t.
People want to:
Declare, “We choose each other.”
Mark a transition publicly.
Create something meaningful and unforgettable.
Yes, sometimes there’s competition. Yes, sometimes there’s cultural pressure.
But mostly?
It’s sincere.
It’s two people wanting to pause life and say, “This matters.”
The Sexy Secret Nobody Talks About
Here’s something unexpected Ash shared:
Proposals are sexy.
Not in a flashy way.
In a polarity way.
In that moment:
One person is leading.
One person is receiving.
One is giving a speech.
One is listening with tears in her eyes.
It’s not equal energy in that second.
It’s complementary energy.
Like magnets - positive and negative - creating spark.
Why Re-Proposals Might Save Your Spark
One of Ash’s favorite stories?
A man married for 30 years who decided to propose again.
He told her: “I couldn’t afford the ring she deserved when we were young. Now I can.”
He planned a rooftop proposal.
She wore a stunning dress.
He got down on one knee — again.
It wasn’t a vow renewal.
It was a re-proposal.
And the message was clear:
I still choose you.
Imagine what that does to a marriage.
What Women (Often) Want — And What Men Need to Hear
While every couple is different, Ash sees patterns.
Many women deeply appreciate:
A plan.
Leadership in romance.
Being surprised.
Feeling chosen.
Feeling seen.
That doesn’t mean they want control taken away.
It means they want to relax sometimes.
And men?
They often need:
Clarity.
Permission.
Encouragement.
Appreciation when they try.
One powerful insight Ash shared:
If you constantly assume your partner won’t show up romantically… they eventually stop trying.
But when you start seeing them as capable, attentive, and romantic - you respond differently.
And they often rise to that vision.
Hard Truth: You Have to Speak Up
If you want romance, you have to talk about it.
Not criticize.
Not complain.
Invite.
Ask:
“Would it feel good to plan a getaway?”
“Would you like me to surprise you sometimes?”
“Do you prefer knowing details - or being totally surprised?”
Some women love surprises.
Some hate them.
Some want to plan everything - and still want him to kneel.
There’s no universal formula.
There’s only communication.
Romance Is Intentional
Romance doesn’t survive on autopilot.
It requires:
Planning.
Presence.
Vulnerability.
Effort.
Ash shared something simple but powerful:
When you have a plan, you can be present.
If you’re scrambling, nervous, unsure - you rush through the moment.
But when the logistics are handled?
You can slow down.
Make eye contact.
Speak from the heart.
And that applies to marriage too.
Date nights. Trips. Intimate evenings.
A little thoughtfulness creates a lot of magic.
How to Bring Romance Back This Year
If your marriage feels a little flat, try this:
Have the conversation.
Share what feels nourishing.
Add one new experience to your calendar.
Take turns leading.
Create one unforgettable moment this year.
It doesn’t have to be extravagant.
A cabin.
A rooftop dinner.
A re-proposal.
A handwritten speech.
It’s not about constant fireworks.
It’s about intentional sparks.
The Real Message Behind a Proposal
At its core, a proposal says:
“I see you.”
“I choose you.”
“I’m willing to lead.”
“I’m willing to be vulnerable.”
And that message never expires.
Not after five years.
Not after kids.
Not after thirty.
Romance isn’t about staying young.
It’s about staying intentional.
And sometimes, all it takes to reignite a marriage…
Is one person deciding to bring the magic back.
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0:00
Marriage IQ Welcomes Proposal Planner Ash Fox
She has helped over 3000 couples say yes in the most unforgettable ways.
0:06
Speaker 2
Something that I think it's very overlooked with reposing that a lot of people don't realize it's how sexy it is because you are in these.
0:13
Speaker 1
Roles.
I hear so many women say they want to be cherished, chosen, loved after years of marriage.
Their husband just doesn't know how to be intimate.
0:22
Speaker 2
So do a romantic gesture is a very vulnerable thing for most men.
You could say to your man, hey, tonight I wanted to be all about you.
Welcome to Marriage IQ at the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
0:38
Speaker 1
I'm Heidi Hastings.
0:39
Speaker 2
And I'm Scott Hastings.
0:41
Speaker 1
We are two doctors, 2 researchers, 2 spouses, 2 lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose, to change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed with a little fun.
1:02
Hello everybody, and welcome to a very romantic episode of Marriage IQ.
Today you might notice Scott isn't here with me today.
He had an emergency bin his clinic, so I'm flying solo and I got to say, I feel a lot more comfortable with him by my side today.
1:19
We're really excited to have with us Ash Fox.
Ash's journey began in New York City's vibrant music and nightlife scene, where her passion for photography blossomed as she captured people in their most alive, authentic moments.
1:34
She was asked to photograph a proposal in Central Park in New York City, then involved her business into a full service proposal planning and photography studio.
She launched the Proposal Podcast, the very first podcast dedicated entirely to the art and emotion of proposals.
1:53
And when I met Ash, I just knew that she witnessing romance, love, and the desire to enter into marriage would be such a fascinating guest to join us today.
So thank you so much, Ash, for being with us and we're happy to have you on Marriage IQ.
2:10
The Enduring Importance of Proposals in a Modern World
Oh, thank you for having me, Heidi.
It's an honor to be here.
I love that intro.
And yes, romance is a big part of my life.
It's always been something I've been interested in since I'm little, watching fairy tale movies.
I was definitely a Disney girl.
I'm a millennial girl, and I think most of us were Disney girls.
2:26
We were raised on it and Barbie, of course.
So it started young where I was making my own stories, my own little soap operas with my Barbies and telling my own love stories.
And now, yeah, that is my life.
I'm a marriage proposal advisor planner and we also specialize in photography and documenting your proposal in beautiful ways.
2:46
Speaker 1
Well, I'm sure that you've learned so much about watching those early moments in the formation of relationships.
I'm just curious about why proposals, anyway?
I mean, we're in a modern world now that sees things a little bit differently in so many parts of marriage.
3:05
Why do you think proposals are still so important?
3:09
Speaker 2
Yeah.
And that's a question, Heidi, that there's been a lot of thought pieces written about, especially by women who are like, what do we even need this for anymore?
You know, why would a woman need to be infantilized by having a man have to ask her to get married?
Can't they just decide as a couple?
3:24
And the truth is, is that, I mean, I've worked with over 3000 couples from all over the world.
It's not just people in America that are proposing marriage, people all over.
And in fact, I even work with people in cultures where proposals are not traditional whatsoever, but they have adopted the American tradition, the Western tradition of getting on your knee.
3:45
They've seen it in movies.
And they see it as something that like we're really going to touch on today, which is it is this very romantic gesture that a man or a woman can make to their partner.
And it creates an amazing memory that we want to, in a long term relationship, create a Bank of great memories to draw on when we are in the hard times.
4:10
And so I think that that is why this tradition really is not going away anytime soon, at least that I see it.
But there is also another factor which maybe has something to do with romance and maybe has something to do with just the fact that we're living our lives very publicly today and we're in the age of social media.
4:29
We've been there for a long time.
And so really without social media, I probably wouldn't even be doing this business because before in the pre social media days, it was very rare for people to even have any documentation of their proposal.
4:45
But we social media, as you know, as people started posting their vacations and holidays and weekends and coffees and all these things, it seemed like a natural progression that people were like, wait a minute, this is a fundamental incredible, you know, this is the best day of my life that I've had so far.
5:04
And why wouldn't I want to share it with people on social media?
So as people wanted to start sharing their proposals, it just started snowballing.
And I think that that is also why people all around the world now, even in cultures that never did this before, want to do this because they're like, hey, it's this amazing moment.
5:20
We can show it to our friends and family.
Maybe we can get a little, you know, it's fun to get a lot of likes on something and it gets a lot of attention.
But I don't think that's the only reason people do it.
I think it's mostly sincere.
But I think social media has also just changed our lives in so many ways where we've internalized it in a lot of ways that we are not even aware of.
5:39
I think doing having your proposal be more public and doing in a way that is beautiful, memorable, has a look, has a feel, has become something I'm documenting it in photos and video has become, you know, sort of a newish phenomenon as long as I've been doing this like 15 years.
5:56
Speaker 1
That's great.
I wonder though, do you think part of it is that they are wanting to declare to the world we are a couple, we are no longer on the market, we are one.
We are together as one.
We're entering this relationship in a very formal way.
6:13
Or do you think it's more competition in wanting to do it better than other people, or to bend in to do what everybody else does?
6:21
Speaker 2
It's everything.
It's all of the above.
I think so many things that humans do are human nature.
A lot of it is just so subconscious, as we know.
And so we just internalize things and we internalize the culture around us, and we don't always know our full motivations for doing things.
6:40
You know how many people I'm sure you've talked to got married and you're like, wait, I probably didn't get married for the right reasons.
So I didn't choose the right person.
Like they realized that later on that maybe they were feeling pressure from family or society.
They were turning 30 or whatever it was.
And so people do that all the time.
6:56
So I'm sure there is that layer to it, the keeping up with the Joneses thing, because you're like, that's so often why people do things.
But you really.
But in the couples that I meet, there really is a range.
And you know, there's couples I work with that have been together like 12 years already, and now they're getting engaged.
7:15
And then there are couples who maybe they've known each other six months and they're getting engaged and maybe maybe they just knew it was the right person.
Or maybe, yeah, maybe there was a little bit of pressure or feeling like now's the time.
But humans do things for so many different motivations, so.
7:31
The Power of Vulnerability and Leading in Proposals
Yeah, that's great.
Would you share with us your very favorite engagement proposal?
What stands out among the 3000 that you've done as super, super special and why?
7:46
Speaker 2
OK, the one that's coming to me right now.
And it's so funny because you'd think that the ones that pop into my mind are like the most recent, but often they're the oldest ones just because I think they're the most etched in my memory because back then I had people sometimes.
8:04
So anyway, I'll mention this.
This guy, his name was Chris.
And he was very stoic type of guy, very kind of science.
I don't know if he worked in that field, but he did a very elaborate proposal for the Times and got, we got a castle in Tarrytown, upstate New York, outside the city, where there are like castles and some really cool old buildings.
8:28
And he told his girlfriend that they were going to be going to a wedding.
So she was all dressed up, prepared to go to this wedding for an old friend.
He even made an invitation.
I mean, he really went above and beyond.
And we had a musician.
8:44
We had video, we had photography.
Of course, at that time I was doing the photography and it just was something she loved fantasy books and fantasy movies and she wanted to create that for her.
And that's what he did.
9:00
And it was just so extra sweet to me because he was just this very stoic character, like very quiet.
And you maybe wouldn't expect something so over the top and something so thought out from someone like just him on the surface, right.
9:17
And so I remember that just really striking me at the time because it's really beautiful.
Also, I, you know, I am a woman, like to see men just being so vulnerable, really opening up their hearts and to, to do a romantic gesture is a very vulnerable thing for most men.
9:34
I would say maybe not all some are very comfortable with that, but I think a lot it's not so comfortable and so it takes a lot.
I'll also say that like my, my clients really inspired me for what I wanted in a partner.
It really showed me that I want a partner who is going to be able to be vulnerable in that way and not feel like, you know, poo poo, like I'm sure you're familiar.
9:57
Now we've got like the red pill guys out there making videos online and in cell world.
And a lot of that world is the one that's really rejecting these kinds of things and saying like men are they have like a word called like symp or something like they're like pathetic or something that they would get down on that they would kneel for a woman and all these types of things that I actually think it takes so much strength, character, vulnerability from a man to really show that softer side of himself.
10:25
It it really, I think it's a beautiful a really more than beautiful, a very impressive thing that a man can show a very high value thing to use that language of today too.
10:36
Speaker 1
I think that's really at the core of intimacy.
Women want to see the soft edges.
They love being protected and and the feeling of safety that comes with somebody who loves them.
But also seeing that other side, the inner parts, the vulnerability.
10:57
I love that you shared that.
Are there other attributes that you found that women really are desiring things that they want in a man that are helpful to you, that you put in the proposal?
But for our married couples, any men listening might find helpful in knowing to even put in their marriage.
11:16
Speaker 2
Oh yeah, I'm happy to share this.
So it's very nourishing, I believe.
And I'm only, I'm speaking for myself and I'm speaking behalf on women because I can't speak for every woman, right?
We're all different and some and some of us, just to be clear too, I think right now in society, it is important to kind of recognize that there are women who are more comfortable in, in the traditional sense of what femininity is.
11:41
And there's women who are really not and they don't identify with that.
And that's very fair for them to not feel good in that.
But for women who do, who do like that a little bit more, you know, they they like the Princess archetype and feel like, you know, also the queen, they like to, you know, dress up and things like that.
11:59
Generally that type of woman also really appreciate some traditional masculine qualities.
That doesn't mean he does everything.
That doesn't mean they don't have finances figured out, doesn't mean she doesn't have her own career.
It just means that she can enjoy that aspect of the masculinity.
So, and those are most of my clients fall into that group for the most part.
12:18
But anyway, what I think a lot of women who fall into that category find very nourishing, it's just for their partner to fully take the lead.
So to have an experience where they're completely led by their men, they do not have to make decisions.
They don't have to be trying to figure out the logistics of what's going on.
12:38
They don't have to be doing any research.
They don't have to be anxious about, you know, what's next.
They can kind of just drop into their body, relax, be in there, nice outfit, be in the moment, just taking in the fresh air and be led on this experience with their man.
12:56
And that could be the proposal like proposal.
They could be like that.
That could be date night.
You know, that could be that could even be a once a month thing.
It doesn't have to be a once a week thing, but it feels really good, I think, to a woman to be able to soften and relax and let her man make the plan, have a plan, take the lead, open the door, open the car door, all those things that I happen to love and my boyfriend now does for me and.
13:22
Speaker 1
Good for him, smart guy.
13:24
Speaker 2
I love it.
I love it.
So with my proposal clients, a lot of times I tell my clients, it's very important on proposal day, you need, I don't care if you never take the lead ever in your relationship, but on proposal day, you better take the lead because things are going to go awry.
13:40
Things are going to go haywire.
The only way that they're going to go haywire is if you don't take the lead.
Because in the past I had experiences with a couple clients who they're like, I'm so worried about this because she's the one who plans our trip.
She's the one who plans the schedule.
How am I going to find a time to propose to her?
13:57
Or, you know, she's always in charge and I'm like, you need to be in charge right now.
And don't worry about her suspecting you.
It doesn't mean she's going to suspect that you're proposing.
She's more likely just going to think he's in a weird mood today.
And that's actually a good thing.
Even if you ruffle feathers, even if you start a little fight with her because she doesn't like that you're being so assertive here, it's going to work in your favor.
14:20
She's really going to love it in the end.
So taking the lead, it's really important.
Also, we had proposals in the past where I remember one in particular where this guy was like, he just, he wouldn't lean into that.
And so she got hungry, she wanted to go for a lunch.
Now they're at lunch.
14:35
She's missing his proposal that he paid for a whole day, but he just, he, he wouldn't do it.
But I will say, you know, 99% of my clients do they, we have a plan.
Part of what I do is I really work with my client to figure out what would be the best game plan that's going to work with your schedule.
14:52
Most of our proposals are in New York, by the way.
I do do proposals for people all over the country and I advise with people from all over the country and the world if they need help advising on their proposals.
Since I've done so many, most of our proposals physically are happening in New York.
So I help them with their schedule.
And I have some clients who live in New York and they're even more concerned because they're like, she knows every cool place in the city.
15:13
She's going to be so suspecting.
But we always find a way.
We always find a really good decoy to trick her and it's very fun.
And I will say, what do women really appreciate in this experience?
And they do really appreciate that the man has a plan.
The men really appreciate surprising their partner.
They just love it so much.
15:30
They get such a kick out of it.
They love the fact that they that they were able to get one on her and they know her so well and they love her and she's so surprised and so delighted.
And I think that that's that's something that's priceless for them.
15:42
Communicating Expectations and Embracing Surprises in Love
So interesting that you say some of the men are struggling with taking the lead in the relationship.
Is that fairly recent or is it tell me, tell me about the 15 years that you've been doing this.
15:58
What has stayed the same?
What is has changed as far as that goes?
16:02
Speaker 2
I have seen that since the beginning.
Like I've seen you have everybody, you have all different kinds of people.
You have people who are very comfortable in leadership roles.
You have people who are less comfortable in that.
There's also men that are and women, but there's men who are very comfortable who who are comfortable in leadership but are also concerned in the age we live in now, they don't want to make a woman feel like they're steamrolling her.
16:28
And so because of that, they might lean back, but she's actually either secretly or not so secretly wanting him to lean forward and actually be the one who is more directive in the relationship.
I have no advice on what your relationships, how you want to do your relationship.
16:44
Ultimately, you really need to figure that out for yourself and figure out, is my partner someone who I feel good when I'm around them, either relaxing and leaning back or taking the leader?
Do we have a good cadence back and forth with each other?
But on proposal day, I am a little bit more traditional where I feel, yes, the man should be planning the proposal.
17:04
He should be taking the lead.
He should be in control.
He should be getting on his knee and she should also be receiving the proposal.
And I have seen couples, I just a few, this is very rare, but I have seen most 90% of my girls, they're like screaming, so excited, so happy, so grateful.
17:22
But I have also seen women who are like, I saw it coming.
You are so obvious, you know, and actually caught it quite rude, you know, like with.
17:31
Speaker 1
Red flag.
17:32
Speaker 2
Yeah.
And like, she's, she's happy about her ringing, but she's just like, oh, that was so obvious.
You know, you were so nervous.
It was so obvious.
And it's like kind of hurtful to the guy, like even though maybe he's not feeling that entirely in the moment, but he might feel later.
But yeah, I have seen that and has bothered me when I've seen that, because I think that is when you have sometimes someone is very uncomfortable with being surprised.
17:54
And what's funny is I've seen it and I've seen that she is surprised.
She just won't let him have that satisfaction.
But I've also had just a share.
I've also had, and it's it's been a very rare occurrence, but I've had two women reach out to me and they were not looking to propose to their man, but they were looking to hire me to do the whole proposal because they don't want to be surprised and they want to know about everything and they do want to be in control of everything, but they still want him to get down in the Z and propose her.
18:22
And it was really funny.
I love both of these women.
They were, they were, they were fantastic because they really owned themselves, which is great.
Like they were very self aware and they basically just said to me, I hate surprises.
18:33
Speaker 1
That is self-awareness, yeah.
18:35
Speaker 2
Yeah, I want beautiful pictures.
I want the proposal to look just so.
I love my guy, but no, I don't want him to surprise me.
I want to know what is happening.
He still has to get on his knee, but I want to plan this whole thing.
And so that's what they did.
And it's very unique and rare, but it is.
18:51
It's kind of it's cool that they know themselves.
18:53
Speaker 1
That is really great.
And it seems to me like there is some conversations that are very important to have when it comes to romance in a relationship.
Are you the kind that like, are you the kind of person that like surprises?
Would you prefer to know at least some of the details of what's happening?
19:12
I know my husband loves to do a lot of surprises for me, especially when it comes to travel and a few other things that sometimes I've had to say.
I'm so grateful.
I'm so, so grateful.
But there are some parts of this that didn't work for me because I had a full calendar this week or whatever it is.
19:30
And so having those conversations around expectations and as we start getting more serious, are you comfortable with me taking control?
I don't know.
What do you think?
Or is it just better to have it all surprised?
19:43
Speaker 2
I do like some traditional roles in certain ways, and I like to feel like a girl.
You know, I have a business where I'm working so hard and I pour so much into it and I'm leading A-Team and I have men, a lot of men working with me.
And so it feels really good to come home and get to feel like a woman.
20:01
And so as long as I feel that was.
It's fine.
I don't mean someone who is a full provider, but I like a man who has that intention.
Like would want to if he could and if he had to, but he doesn't have to.
20:12
Speaker 1
So just a word for our listeners right now, if you're listening with your spouse, which I know some of our listeners do, or watching with your spouse, I encourage you to just pause the audio or the video for just a few minutes and have this conversation together about what parts of you come out when.
20:30
When do you want to be cherished and cared and loved for?
When do you prefer to be more in control of your own life?
And for both of you, because both men and women want to be cherished, right?
Both men and women have times probably where they want to lead.
20:48
It may be one spouse who's more one way than the other, or it could be different times, but just pause for a minute and have some of those conversations around some of the things that Ash is talking about here in proposals and then translate that into marriage.
21:03
How Re-Proposals and Polarity Reignite Marital Passion
And So what, what have you learned in watching all of these couples?
Do they have some of both in them?
Would you say Ash?
21:13
Speaker 2
I think that there's already kind of an implied expectation that he's going to be proposing and that he's going to have to plan this and he's going to have to figure it out.
I think a lot of it's hinting, a big culture of hinting of what you might want to kind of help the guy out.
When you work with an advisor, like when my clients work with me, we're really doing a deep dive brainstorm session until who you are as a couple.
21:35
What are these milestone memories that you've had throughout your relationship?
Where can we get ideas potentially for locations if you want to do something or how can we create an experience that's in a brand new location or brand new concept, something that you can come back to and now have this memory to like maybe on an anniversary, you come back to this place and you get to relive the moment all over.
21:57
But you touch on something that is definitely AI don't want to call it a trend, but it's something that people are doing today and that is re proposals, re proposing.
So people are re proposing.
And I think it's a wonderful thing, especially for your long term married clients to think about because listeners and clients, it's a wonderful way to create like that positive Bank of memories and show your partner again how you see them in a very special light, in this romantic light.
22:28
Because something that I think it's very overlooked with for posing that a lot of people don't realize, it's how sexy it is.
It's actually a very sexy experience because you are in these roles and that in that moment you have one person leading the way, bringing you to a location, getting you down on your knees, surprising you and you another person who is reacting and like really in the moment.
22:49
It's a great mix of energy.
It's a beautiful polarity that's going on and it creates a lot of fire.
And I see it in my clients.
It really comes out because it's just it's magic what happens in that moment.
And so it's a wonderful thing to do.
It's different than a vowel renewal, which I think a lot of.
23:07
That's also super romantic and sweet and it's like a party and you can share it with your friends.
But a re proposal, I actually had a client who I'm thinking about, I believe his name was, his name was Grant.
And he'd been married to his wife for 30 years.
And he came to me and he is like this woman.
23:24
She's a mother of my children.
She's my, she's my best friend, she's my lover.
And she's still so damn hot.
And I'm going to propose to her again.
And we did, we did it on this like gorgeous private rooftop.
She, she came out in like a magenta short, tight little dress.
23:42
And she's like, look at her, you know, like she still looks so great.
And it was so.
And he recently told me he was like, I proposed to her.
We were like in our 20s.
We were so young, I couldn't afford to get her the ring she deserves back then.
Like we were young, I didn't know what I was doing.
And he goes, but now, you know, I love her even more.
23:59
And so now's the time I can afford to get her the ring she wants.
And and so he did it.
It was so great.
They're so happy.
It brings back a lot of spark and passion and fire.
24:11
Speaker 1
So it's really saying I choose you.
Again, at the beginning, I chose you.
I wanted you.
Now we're however long into our marriage and we're in it for the long run.
But I want you to know that you're still chosen.
24:26
I still choose you, and that's really a a beautiful thing.
Was she in on that too?
Did she know what was happening?
24:34
Speaker 2
No, no.
And what you just said, in this day and age, there's a lot of pushback to that.
Oh, you want to be chosen?
Why do you be chosen?
But the truth is in people who enjoy polarized sexuality, which I would say I do offend women who learn more in that way, they like the feeling of being chosen.
24:52
And the man often likes the feeling of being received like, really loves that feeling of being like, yes, she is receiving what I'm giving.
25:00
Speaker 1
So tell me a little bit more about that polarity.
25:02
Speaker 2
I guess it's somewhat controversial and again you have to know who you are, but really what it is, it's like 2 magnets.
You need a plus sign and you need a negative sign and you need two different, very different energies to create fire and magic and connection.
25:19
And so it doesn't mean you need that all the time.
Sometimes you're just best friends and you're both kind of in the same energy in a moment, but it's not necessarily a sexual moment.
And sex and romance is something that really distinguishes a romantic connection from just a platonic 1.
25:35
And so it doesn't mean you're in those energies at all time where one person is receiving and relaxing and going with the flow and one person's more like doing more a little bit of aggressive, more assertive energy.
It doesn't mean you always have to be that way.
25:51
But in in the bedroom, a lot of people appreciate those energies happening in that in those moments.
And it could be also switching off, which could feel really good too.
But but the reason I share this is because a proposal is very much a polarized moment.
26:08
And that is why I think it is a very sexy moment.
And people don't really talk about that.
But it really is because you have one person on their knee who's doing all this work to make this moment happen.
And one person who's at least supposed to be along for the ride doesn't know what's going on.
26:23
And it's just in the moment following the lead of the leader.
And then they drop to their knee and they then what they mean to them.
And you know, your speech could be as long or as short as you want it to be.
It's just something that's meaningful.
I have some ideas around speeches, but one person gives a speech, one person gives a ring.
26:40
And it's not a back and forth.
There's one person who's receiving everything and one person who's doing all the giving, but they're doing all the giving because they know what they're receiving.
They're receiving this person to spend the rest of their life with.
So it's a very, it's a romantic gesture.
And I do believe that there's a very fiery, sexy, polarized aspect to it that I think really helps ignite a little fire in a relationship.
27:03
And that's why I do suggest it.
I do think it's a great idea for couples who've been together for a very long time.
Different than saying, hey, let's do a vowel renewal.
Hey, that's great.
But I think this is actually something a little sexy for one person to think, hey, I'm going to, you know what?
27:19
We're going to go on a vacation this year and I'm going to plan a little spot on a beach somewhere, a little hidden garden or a rooftop.
And I'm going to maybe have someone there playing violin.
Maybe her favorite song or her favorite song is a couple or maybe the song we played at our wedding.
27:38
And I'm going to propose again and write a really heartfelt, meaningful speech and just tell this person, tell my wife, you know what she means to me.
27:47
Speaker 1
So Scott and I talk a lot about creating a scintillating marriage, and I think that is what you're talking about with the polarity.
27:56
Creating a Scintillating Marriage with Priestess Energy
It's having bright, shiny moments.
It doesn't mean the whole marriage all the time is on fire.
I think you'd have a heart attack and die probably from the stress of it.
But putting intentionally into our relationships, those moments that are well thought out, well planned by one person taking the lead, like you said, often in romance.
28:21
I would love in the comments for our listeners so we can kind of get an idea of what their style is.
If the women like their husband to to lead in romantic things or if they prefer that.
That would be interesting for me to know.
28:36
Put some of your comments about that.
Help us understand who it is that we're speaking to.
But ultimately in the sexual relationship, because when you're starting to have kids or both having careers or a house that takes a lot of maintenance or whatever it is, that's often one of the first things to slide.
28:54
But if you can bring this polarity of masculine and feminine especially back into that moment.
But the more you put moments like that into your relationship, the more scintillating it will feel, the more exciting it will feel.
29:11
Speaker 2
I love that term scintillating.
That's a beautiful word.
Absolutely.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
I mean, I just wanted to share that.
Let's say you're someone who is thinking, yeah, but I actually love to be kind of taking the lead with my man.
And it could be planning a date, But there's just a little idea I want to put out there for you, too.
29:29
In the bedroom, there is a concept of, you know, the priestesses who when men would come back for war, they would go see the priestesses who essentially were sexual healers in a lot of ways and not just sexual, but they were comfort to men.
They've come back from this war.
They've been fighting them and out there in their full masculine and now they're depleted and now they're injured and now they're tired and they go to the free assistant for healing.
29:55
And so I think it's a beautiful concept and I've, I learned this from one of my teachers, Leola, but basically to kind of embody that priestess energy.
And that's another way.
If you're uncomfortable feeling like, Oh, I don't want to feel like I'm in a masculine role, but to think of it as like I can be his healer in this moment, both, both, you know, giving him beautiful, nurturing energy, nurturing and nourishing.
30:19
And, and also my just with all my, with all my feminine gifts.
That might be the softness of my hand, like touching him and massaging him and comforting him.
That might be in a sexual way.
That might just be the way my hair feels on his skin like those very sensual.
30:35
And that could be your gift to him and taking the lead in that way.
You could be you could say to your man, Hey, tonight is I wanted to be all about you and you can do a devotional undressing and kind of make it a meditation in the way that you take off his clothes and the way that you I'm I'm getting I'm getting sick of the year.
30:53
But I'm just sharing this because I just want people to realize it's not just that you always have to lean back and be in your little Princess.
31:01
Speaker 1
Receive right.
31:02
Speaker 2
Yeah, and you're?
31:03
Speaker 1
You can give and receive.
That is the priestess, so to speak, or whatever role that would be for you.
She comes from strength.
She's she's using all of her femininity maybe to show very confidently.
31:19
Speaker 2
Yes, exactly.
And that's a way I think that keeps things from feeling depolarized because it's still a chance you have polarity.
Obviously she's stepping into the more like doing role and he's stepping into the receiver role.
But what's nice about it, in the same way that it feels good to be like, babe, I'm taking you out tonight, put on your best dress.
31:37
You know, we're going out and he's taking the lead.
This is like, Babe, I'm here.
I just want you to relax.
I just want you to be you're my king.
You know, I'm here to give to you.
And this is your night.
And I think it's, it's really great for both people to get to experience that.
And they don't have to be in traditional roles.
31:53
You can switch off but wanted to share that.
31:56
Speaker 1
I like that so much.
31:58
Essential Tips for Communication, Planning, and Presence
So in our last few moments, for our couples who just want to know how to bring romance into their relationship to celebrate, do you have some top tips?
32:11
Speaker 2
The most important thing is have a conversation.
I'm going to be gendered here, but especially for the men in straight couples.
32:17
Speaker 1
Which that's mostly our audience.
32:19
Speaker 2
You think we have?
32:21
Speaker 1
A small number.
32:22
Speaker 2
Of same sex couples.
32:23
Speaker 1
Same sex couples but but the vast majority.
32:27
Speaker 2
Are straight, Yeah.
So in that case, sorry, men, but you're going to be the ones that have to have this conversation.
You're going to bring this up and just say, babe, I care about making you happy.
What would feel good to you?
Would you like if we went out somewhere?
Would you like if we wanted to do the little getaway?
Do you want us to stay home?
What would feel good?
32:42
And think of a nice plan for us and do something really nice.
And I'll share a personal story.
I actually had.
I'm not going to say it's the only reason why I had to end a relationship, but it was one of the like the straw that broke the camel's back with someone I was with said, what would you like to do?
And I told him, you know, I think I would like to go out somewhere.
32:59
I told him, you know, we've been cooking so much at home, I'd rather not.
And then he cooked for me.
And so that that's what we're doing, It was like, yeah, so this year?
I asked.
33:09
Speaker 1
Me, if you don't care what I say.
33:11
Speaker 2
No, I totally and this year my boyfriend, he was just so lovely in advanced.
He knew I like this.
There's like a luxury hotel that I love that's in the mountains and he already planned a little getaway for us and it meant so much to me.
I appreciated that so much.
So have a conversation, make a plan, figure out.
33:28
It makes the woman so able to relax and enjoy and puts like a look of just a light on her face and you get rewarded for it so it's not like it doesn't come back to you.
33:39
Speaker 1
So you work with men a lot.
So how do you help men tap into that intimate part of themselves in connecting with their wife?
33:50
Speaker 2
That's a great question, Haiti.
I think that that's something that I really love doing with men.
And sometimes I, I wait for the invitation that they're open to that because not everyone is there, you know, and that's also OK.
34:06
Not everyone is there.
And a lot of times my men who are there are men who are proposing for the second time around because they've learned, they've learned a lot.
They've learned the hard lessons and they are a little bit more introspective.
And those are the men who when we do our planning sessions, they want to tell me the whole story.
34:23
They're like, this woman changed my life.
I really want to do things amazing for her.
I was married in the past.
This is really our time.
And those men are the ones who want to have those conversations.
But I also work with plenty of guys where they're young.
34:39
I respect where my client is AT.
And so not everyone is going to want to have those conversations.
And some of them are.
And so the ones who want to go there, I'd love to go there with them.
And sometimes we're on a time constraint, too.
I have men who come to me who come, you know, months in advance and are planning their proposal.
34:55
And I have so many men who come the week who are like 2 weeks ahead, one week ahead.
And we had so many last minute proposals where it was just kind of like chop, chop.
It's pretty funny, but it's.
35:04
Speaker 1
So it reminds me of the movie The Bachelor.
35:07
Speaker 2
Yeah, yeah.
So exactly my podcast and I have like a lot of free episodes, like, let's really get into it.
Why are you proposing?
You know what, who is your partner and really thinking about her, What are her tastes?
What are her desires?
How can you make a proposal that's really about showing her how well you know her?
35:25
You know, But sometimes on these planning calls there, I love doing that.
But sometimes it really just is we're under a time crunch and they know what they want to do.
And so I'm just helping them.
Yeah.
Execute it.
35:35
Speaker 1
How do you help men understand the importance of being very present?
35:41
Speaker 2
The way that you find presents for your proposal is by having again, a plan and having a good strategy.
And that is something that I do help my clients with, no matter where they are in the world.
I can help them with decoys, plan, strategy so that she is surprised.
But when you have a plan, not only is she able to relax into the moment, but you're able to be present.
36:01
And the part that is the most important part to I think to be present for is when you're down on your knee giving your speech, you don't want to rush through that moment.
You really want to savor that moment and you don't have to give a long speech, you don't have to write a poem, you don't have to write a haiku.
36:17
Your partner just wants to know why do you love them and why are you proposing to them?
And when you have a strategy, a plan, a decoy, when you have a proposal planner like me, if it's possible for you to have that, it's very helpful to you to know that everything has been set up for you.
36:33
So now I can just arrive, be in the moment, say, will you marry me and move on with my life, get engaged and celebrate and have fun.
So I think it is helpful to have that.
I do planning sessions 1 to 1.
You can, you can put a link.
I'm happy to meet with you.
That's what we do and also my podcast has so much free content and on YouTube I post a lot of tips and tricks and things which might be helpful.
36:57
Speaker 1
I hear so many women say that their husband just doesn't know how to be intimate.
They want to be cherished, they want to be chosen, they want to be loved after 20 or 30 or 40 years of marriage.
And I think the principles are still there of being present, of having times where there's that polarity of having communication about expectations, about having surprises sometimes and making that special time for each other.
37:30
Cultivating Belief and Creating Magic in Your Relationship
To your point, Heidi, I was going to say that two things I have to share.
One is it's really important to have faith in your partner and to not give up on that because I think a lot of people lose faith.
I even see it in couples who haven't been together that long where they're like, oh, they don't know how to do this and how to do that.
37:47
Or, you know, I'm not going to get the sex that I want to get or I'm not going to get my needs met in the ways that I want to have.
But really, the more you start seeing them as your vision for what you want, the more they often embody that.
And you know, that sounds a little woo woo, but then you start acting in a way that inspires them to to act differently.
38:06
So like sometimes if you're craving more spontaneity in the relationship, the more you're receptive to spontaneity, the more they can bring the spontaneity.
If they try to, you know, be spontaneous with you and they're worried that you're going to reject it because you always see them, you're looking like you don't trust them to to do that for you, then they're not going to do it.
38:26
They need to feel safe to do that.
So the more you can see them in a heightened way, the better.
And then the other thing I was going to say is that there are so many great books.
I'm sure you recommend so many, but one that I wanted to recommend, I wonder if you've recommended to your clients is your Blueprint for Pleasure by Jaya.
38:41
Do you know this book?
38:42
Speaker 1
Nope, I I don't have that one.
38:44
Speaker 2
She's amazing and it's about the erotic, the five erotic types that people fall into, and it's very helpful in getting an understanding of who am I and who is my partner.
Similarly, what we're talking about before.
And the more you have that understanding, then you can work together.
39:02
But again, you have to have the willingness.
You can't just, I think a lot of people unfortunately, kind of want to take a victim stance in a lot of things in life and just be like, things aren't working.
I give up, you know, screw it.
And it's like, no, you can create magic either person and it's just, it's just you deciding that to be like, you know what?
39:20
That's that's what's very vulnerable again, about, about proposing.
I think for men in a big way is that they feel like they carry one role in life a lot of times and they don't necessarily see themselves as Prince Charming, but on proposal day, they're Prince Charming.
And so it can be very, it can be very nerve wracking to be like, wait, I'm stepping into a new role today.
39:40
In the same way that like, maybe you guys aren't having great sex right now, or maybe your, your relationship has gotten a little dull or, or worse than that.
But it just takes one person being like, you know what?
I'm here to bring the magic today.
39:56
And I'm going to mix things up and I'm going to make some kind of romantic plan.
And I'm going in with an open heart.
And I'm going in without fear that yes, maybe this won't go as well as I wanted it to, but I'm going to at least take the chance because I love my person and I believe in a higher concept for our relationship.
40:13
Speaker 1
That's beautiful.
You know, recently Scott and I got together and did our New Year's goals, which are very important to us.
We have our own personal goals and then we come together and we have marriage goals and some of our goals go from year to year.
40:28
For example, we love Boston, we love Tucson, AZ and so we made a goal a few years ago to go to places every year.
But to me, it's starting to get a little bit monotonous.
And so I added some extra goals to our marriage list and didn't tell Scott about them until yesterday.
40:47
We do read through our marriage goals every week.
That's how we accomplished so many of them.
And I said, I want you to look on here.
And I had written, I want to go to a cabin in the mountain, which I'll have to get the name of where you go.
I want to stay in a tree house.
41:04
And now he knows I want fresh ideas.
And our theme that we've chosen for ourselves for the year is cherish life.
And that means cherish each other, but also put things in there that give us new life, that change things up a little bit.
41:20
It could be something with your dates.
Put something in your dates that's a little bit different instead of just dinner and a movie, just changing things up and making things exciting.
And women and men both can make those suggestions, even if we are more traditional and the woman wants the man to take the lead.
41:39
There are times that it's really important too, for for women to take the lead, at least in making suggestions, if not an execution.
41:47
Speaker 2
I'm very inspired by you, Haiti.
That's that's beautiful.
I love that you guys review them every week.
That's incredible.
I completely agree.
And I think just as you said, it's important to voice your desires.
And I think men like knowing what our desires are.
And they really do enjoy knowing what our, even even if they can be intimidated at times, you know, be like, oh, how am I going to make that happen?
42:08
It gives something to work to and think about and figure out.
And it makes them proud when they do it.
Yeah.
42:15
Speaker 1
This is what my wife wants.
How can I execute this?
42:19
Embracing New Experiences and Connecting with Ash Fox
It's.
42:19
Speaker 2
Yeah, and it makes them feel good, so.
42:22
Speaker 1
Well, it sounds like we need to do a collab where you're referring your people to listen to marriage IQ after they get proposed to after the marriage.
And we'll send those who want a romance photographer, whether it's for you, do photography too, if they just are doing a romantic trip.
42:40
Speaker 2
Oh yeah, definitely.
And we even have, my team actually is in Paris.
So we're doing this year shoots in Paris and also Rome, New York City, Colorado, also LA sometimes too.
So we're we're around so.
42:55
Speaker 1
Big possibilities, people, big possibilities.
Ash, it's been awesome having you on here.
If our listeners want to get in touch with you.
And where do they find Tell Us again the name of your podcast and what social media are you on?
43:08
Speaker 2
Yeah, So my podcast is the Proposal podcast.
I've been on a hiatus, but it's a great resource.
I've had a lot of great conversations off those people in the relationship space and covers whole bunch of topics even outside of proposals.
So check that out the proposal podcast.
43:23
And then if you'd like to get in touch with me, say hi.
Or if you are proposing, check out my Instagram.
It's Ash Fox Proposals and my websites Ash Fox proposals.com or Ash foxphotography.com.
And you can check out what we do.
43:39
And I find a lot of people follow us just because they like to see the romantic proposals.
They like getting inspired, so I find a lot of people were already married follow my page because they like to get inspired and look at the happy couples and it's really sweet.
43:53
Speaker 1
Right, we love love, we love romance.
We love seeing what other people create in this realm.
So everybody, thank you for being with us.
Hopefully you'll check out some of Ash's content and the book that she suggested.
It's going in my Amazon cart when we finish this recording.
44:12
Speaker 2
Awesome.
44:12
Speaker 1
And remember that to change parts of your relationship that might be a little stale first requires a change in yourself.
And Ash has given us a lot of ways that we can do that today.
And we'll catch you next week.
And Scott will be with us on another episode of Marriage IQ.
