Episode 145: When You Love Your Spouse but Don't Desire Them
Why Sexual Desire Fades in Long-Term Relationships and How to Get It Back
When You Love Your Spouse but Don’t Desire Them: How Couples Can Rebuild Intimacy
It’s possible to deeply love your spouse and still feel little or no sexual desire for them. For many couples, that realization can be confusing, painful, and even frightening. You may wonder, What happened to us? Is something wrong with me? Can we get the desire back?
According to Dr. Anna Elton, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and researcher specializing in low and mismatched desire, the answer is often much more hopeful than couples realize.
Desire doesn’t simply disappear overnight. More often, it fades gradually as emotional connection, attention, playfulness, and intentional time together begin to disappear.
Desire Starts With Connection
One of the biggest misconceptions about sexual desire is that it exists independently from the rest of a relationship. In reality, the emotional climate of a marriage can have a powerful impact on physical intimacy.
Early in a relationship, couples naturally give each other plenty of attention. They talk, flirt, discover each other’s dreams and fears, and make time to be together. But over the years, conversations can become focused almost entirely on logistics: children, work, bills, schedules, chores, and responsibilities.
You may still live together, sleep in the same bed, and function well as a team—but begin to feel more like roommates than romantic partners.
Technology can make this disconnect even easier to miss. A couple may finally have an hour together after the children go to bed, only to spend that hour sitting on opposite sides of the couch scrolling through their phones.
The problem isn't necessarily a lack of time. It’s what we do with the time we have.
The Path From Connection to Disconnection
Relationships don't usually go from deeply connected to completely disconnected overnight. There is often a gradual progression.
Couples may move from a positive space, where they feel connected and affectionate, into a neutral space, where life becomes busy and the relationship temporarily takes a back seat. Moving between these two spaces is normal.
The danger comes when neutral becomes the permanent state.
Over time, couples can slip into a roommate dynamic. They manage the household efficiently but stop being curious about each other. They assume they already know everything about their spouse and stop asking questions, sharing dreams, flirting, or creating new experiences together.
Eventually, unresolved disagreements and resentment can push the relationship into a negative space.
The good news is that recognizing where you are is the first step toward changing direction.
Three Identities Every Couple Needs to Balance
Dr. Elton also highlights three important identities within a relationship: individual, couple, and family.
Your individual identity includes your hobbies, friendships, interests, self-care, and personal goals. Your couple identity involves the experiences, traditions, intimacy, and connection you share with your spouse. Your family identity develops when children enter the picture.
The challenge is keeping all three alive.
Parents often pour their energy into the family while neglecting their marriage. They may feel guilty spending time alone with their spouse or doing something for themselves.
But investing in your marriage isn't selfish. It's part of maintaining the relationship that existed before the children—and will remain after they grow up.
Even ten intentional minutes together can matter.
Don't Wait for Desire to Magically Appear
Another common misconception is that sexual desire should simply appear spontaneously.
That may happen more naturally when a relationship is new. Long-term relationships often work differently.
Instead of waiting until you feel desire, you may need to create the conditions that allow desire to develop.
This is sometimes called responsive desire. Connection, touch, affection, anticipation, novelty, and emotional closeness can come first, with desire following.
That means a date doesn't have to end with sex to be valuable. A meaningful conversation, a longer hug, playful teasing, eye contact, a kiss, or simply touching your spouse can begin rebuilding the sense of connection.
Bring Back Flirting and Playfulness
Flirting isn't just for new relationships.
A playful look. An inside joke. A gentle touch. Whispering something only the two of you understand. A longer hug. A six-second kiss. These seemingly small moments can remind you that you're not just parenting partners or household managers—you're lovers.
The key is learning each other's signals.
Sometimes one spouse thinks they're clearly flirting while the other has absolutely no idea what's happening. Instead of assuming your partner should automatically understand, talk about what makes each of you feel desired.
Create your own language for affection and desire.
Make Room for Novelty
Predictability can be comfortable, but too much predictability can make a relationship feel routine.
Novelty can help couples reconnect with excitement. That doesn't necessarily mean introducing something extreme into your sex life. It could be as simple as trying a new restaurant, taking a different kind of date, going somewhere you've never been, changing the setting at home, or creating an unexpected surprise.
One fun idea is an A-to-Z date night challenge: come up with a different date for every letter of the alphabet.
The goal isn't perfection. It's creating experiences that belong to the two of you.
Start With Small Changes
For couples who feel completely disconnected, the solution doesn't always have to be complicated.
Dr. Elton shared an example of a couple who began with just five minutes of daily connection. They checked in with each other, asked about their day, and intentionally paid attention to one another.
That small habit helped restore their emotional connection—and their sexual desire returned.
But when they stopped the daily check-ins, the disconnection eventually returned.
That's an important lesson: rebuilding intimacy isn't a one-time project. It's an ongoing practice.
Marriage is much like physical fitness. Reaching a healthy place doesn't mean you stop exercising. You maintain it.
The same is true for connection.
Never Stop Connecting
If you love your spouse but feel like the sexual spark has disappeared, don't automatically assume your marriage is broken or that something is wrong with you.
Instead, ask better questions.
Are we giving each other enough attention? Are we spending time together without our phones? Have we stopped flirting? Are we carrying too much stress? Have we neglected our individual identities? Are we making space for our marriage? When was the last time we did something new together?
Sometimes desire doesn't need to be forced back into a relationship. It needs to be given the conditions in which it can grow again.
Give yourself and your spouse grace. Pay attention. Make time. Be playful. Take care of yourself. And most importantly, never stop connecting and never stop flirting.
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0:00
When You Love Your Spouse But Don't Desire Them
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
0:06
Speaker 2
I'm Heidi Hastings.
0:07
Speaker 1
And I'm Scott Hastings.
0:10
Speaker 2
Welcome back to Marriage IQ, everyone.
We're really happy that you've joined us today.
Have you ever thought I really love my spouse, but I really no longer desire them sexually?
I talked to a lot of women who are facing exactly that, and I think men too.
0:27
But today we have Doctor Anna Elton with us to help us understand that much better.
She's a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified sex therapist and APHD.
And so she joins us to explore why desire fades and how disconnection and identity can shape our intimacy.
0:46
And then what couples can begin to do to rebuild that passion.
Today we're going to explore why some marriages become sexless and how our individual, couple and family identities shape that desire.
We'll talk about subtle ways that disconnection develops and why desire rises and falls over time, and how our attachment patterns can even impact the way that we draw together closer or pull apart.
1:11
So welcome, Doctor Anna Elton, we're so happy to have you here with us today.
1:17
Speaker 3
Thank you for having me here.
1:18
Understanding Low Desire and Sexless Relationships
So, Anna, what would you say to the person who is afraid to even admit to themselves?
I love my spouse, but I really don't have any desire for them.
1:31
Speaker 3
I would say it's absolutely normal.
I've been seeing this over and over and over in sessions with my clients and that reason became reason for my book and also my dissertation.
So when I went back to school to get my PHDI focus on low desire and mismatch desire in long term relationships.
1:50
Speaker 1
What is desire like?
How do you even define it?
1:53
Speaker 3
Well, desire is in your head, right?
So it's the psychological piece of the physical act.
2:01
Speaker 2
You and I talked when we met before about the rise in sexless marriages.
So is that a desire issue or what's going on?
And what makes a marriage sexless?
2:13
How Technology Steals Attention from Your Partner
So sexless marriage is 10 or less times per year, so it's about once a month.
I feel like there's a lot of different factors.
And I just went on TVI went to New York and I talked about the price of sexless relationships, the sex recession.
2:28
And I think right now in our generation, one thing is attention.
Attention is extremely important and attention is not being given to relationship to your partner.
So from research point I was actually looking up and it was really interesting.
So 2010 face to face social interactions per week were about 12.8 hours.
2:49
Then in 2019 it dropped to 6.5 hours.
In 2024 it was about 5 hours and it's even less in 2026.
3:00
Speaker 2
Wow, what did you find is fueling that?
3:02
Speaker 3
So people and again, technology is amazing.
We feel connected to a lot of people.
We have access to information, we have access to entertainment, but also we spent too much time on that technology.
And then when I talked to my couples, they would say, like, we don't have time together.
3:20
But in reality, in the evening when kids go to bed, they go to bed.
They would be on the same couch, in the same bed, on opposite sides, strolling on their phones, where in reality, they had an opportunity to connect.
They had the opportunity to do something together, to check in, to cuddle, to have sex, right?
3:39
But then they end up without realizing they're going back on their phones and they're scrolling.
3:44
Speaker 2
So attention.
They're not paying attention to their spouse because they're paying too much attention to their media devices.
Yeah.
3:52
Speaker 3
And unfortunately, sometimes they don't even realize that they, when we start talking about it, they say like, Oh yeah, that's right.
We do have time.
It's not the time matter, but what we do with our time.
4:01
From Connection to the Roommate Dynamic
Another part of it is connection is extremely, extremely important.
So think about how do you create this emotional connection?
So when you first meet your partner, you tend to give them a lot of attention, you tend to talk with them a lot, right?
4:17
So back 1970s, this model was developed social penetration theory, which is ironic, right?
So the social penetration theory helps with the actual penetration in the relationship.
So you get to know someone.
So think of the onion.
We have the layers of the onion.
4:33
And then when you meet someone, you start on the outer layer of that onion.
You share information about your likes, dislikes, your hobbies.
And then as you get to know someone and create that more intimate connection and relationship, you start sharing your fears, your dreams, aspirations.
4:48
And then at that point you commit with that person, right?
You become, you create a relationship marriage.
But again, what happens in long term relationship?
You actually regress back to that out of layer of the onion.
You stop really checking in with your partner.
You think that you already know everything.
You think relationship is working, relationship is good.
5:05
And then it goes to logistics, right?
And when I hear from couples in sessions that they say like, well, I feel like my Co workers know me better than my spouse.
Yeah.
And So what adds to that negative climate of the relationship is when you just focus on logistics or what's not being done.
5:24
Think about early relationship, you feel connected.
There's a lot of positive moments with your partner.
And then later on it's either neutral or a lot of negative moments.
5:34
Speaker 1
It just feels more real, more alive, when we're just starting out, right?
I call it the bubblicious phenomenon.
Have you ever had Bublicious bubble gum?
Yeah, it's really great for about 60 seconds and then it turns bland and.
5:51
Speaker 2
There's no flavor to it.
5:53
Speaker 1
So yeah, it's easy, right?
When you're just meeting, it's exciting.
5:57
Speaker 2
You had a formula or a model that you explain in your book, which by the way, the book is so fantastic.
It's called The Formula of Desire, and we'll put links to it in our show notes.
And you have several models and a lot of research that I loved, but you presented in a way that's very easy to understand and lots of stories from some of your clients, but you do have this model that shows the path of disconnection.
6:23
Can you explain that to us a little bit?
6:26
Speaker 3
So there are two parts.
So the book I focus on emotional connection, communication, emotional connection and then physical connection.
So let me start with emotional connection.
So what I learned from couples that you don't go from good to bad, right?
It's a process and it doesn't happen overnight.
6:43
So you don't go from very connected and love excited and passionate about your partner to all of a sudden, you know, don't want to be next to your partner.
So you always start in a good place.
It's a positive zone.
And then from there you eventually move into the neutral space of the relationship, which is not a bad thing.
7:00
A lot of couples, they go from the positive to neutral and back.
So that loop is absolutely healthy, right?
Because life happens, kids are being born, we need to focus on chores and work and things like that, bills.
And it's normal as long as we remind ourselves like, hey, it's been some time, let's reconnect, let's spend some time together.
7:19
You're still my favorite person.
So, but then what happens with a lot of couples?
They fall without realizing into this neutral space and then go into the roommate dynamic where they manage well the household, but they're not managing well their relationship.
And then at that point, as I mentioned earlier, you know, people stop really talking, checking in, asking, being curious about their partners.
7:41
They assume they really know and they focus on things that they think need more attention at the time.
So and that's where you have more of the complex coming in.
And then even the small disagreement can snowball into the big fight.
And then some people, you know, never resolve those disagreements, build resentments, and then slowly you can move into the negative space of the relationship.
8:03
The thing is, I always tell my couples it starts with us and it ends with us.
But you need to nurture that relationship through the years because when kids are out of the house, you still need to feel connected and something to talk about.
8:16
Speaker 2
So this disconnection is actually leading to disconnection sexually as well, because they're not feeling the desire.
So desire is not only influenced by the way that we look or the way that we treat each other, but by the condition of the intimate connection in our relationship.
8:36
Intimate not meaning emotional intimacy, but just like the context of our marriage, right?
8:42
Practical Steps to Rebuild Emotional Intimacy
Absolutely.
And so this is where it's really, really important.
And again, like physical intimacy, usually the one that declines first before anything else to bring it back.
It's important to start small and you know, when people feel extremely disconnected and don't know where to begin, I always say start with the way you view your relationship and your partner.
9:04
So for one week, do this experiment, try to make mental notices of what's going well.
And again, it's easier said than done.
So for the whole week, just say like, oh wow, you know, it's really nice that my partner made coffee this morning.
You're assuming you're know this expectation, but you don't appreciate it and show the gratitude for your partner, right?
9:25
So think about that and say that out loud.
Notice that your partner took care of this.
Notice that your partner helped you with this.
So it's really, really important because the way you think affects the way you feel and affects your actions.
If you think your partner is caring, is a great person, you feel warm and you want to be with your partner.
9:43
If you think your partner doesn't care, lazy, or anything else, you really don't want to be with your partner and the way you approach them can come off a certain way.
So I would say start with that.
9:55
Speaker 2
So far you're telling us if we want our sexual desire to increase, we need to pay attention to our partner and we need to look for the positive things in them and mention them to them?
Absolutely.
10:10
The Importance of Lightness, Fun, and Flirting
What else is there?
10:11
Speaker 3
So I would say one big thing that separates happy couples from unhappy couples is lightness and fun, right?
So all the couples who are not doing well intimately their relationship, that would say we used to have a lot of fun, we used to be playful together.
10:29
Now it's really heavy and it's almost like that dark cloud over our heads.
So and definitely flirting.
So bring flirting back playfulness into your relationship because couples who feel disconnected when I asked them when was the last time you flirted with your partner, they say, I don't know, like 10 years ago, I don't know how to flirt anymore.
10:49
And what's interesting, sometimes partners miss each other's cues.
So when one partners trying to flirt with partner A trying to flirt with partner B and partner B has no idea that they're being flirted with and they don't say anything and say like, hey, like I'm doing this, give me a second.
11:06
So partner A could feel upset, feel rejected and may not make an attempt again.
And again, it goes back to the attachment styles, right?
If you're anxiously attached, maybe you're looking for that connection, but then you feel upset or like if you avoid and, and you made that step forward and you felt like you were rejected, maybe it will take a lot of courage for you to take that step again.
11:31
So I would say talk about like, how do you flirt?
When was the last time you flirt?
It like is there a joint language about flirting?
So in the book I talk about effect labeling.
So technique to say whenever you have an emotion out loud.
And usually it's used more for negative emotions, right?
11:47
When you feel stressed, when you feel disappointed, when you feel frustrated, you say it out loud and it gives you a chance to do something about it and also gives a chance to your partner to say like, hey, is there anything I can do for you?
But the same thing you can actually do for desire.
You can actually create the joy and vocabulary for each of you and say like, hey, I feel frisky tonight.
12:09
Speaker 1
OK.
12:10
Speaker 3
So it kind of helps you to have more of the like, oh, OK, I think me too.
OK, let's do something about it.
12:18
Speaker 1
So voicing your feelings, negative or positive or and I was going to ask too, how do you flirt?
Because I I don't recall ever flirting.
12:29
Speaker 2
You weren't a flirter with other girls.
12:31
Speaker 1
Well, I evidently not, because I don't really know what that entails.
12:36
Speaker 2
I would agree that that's probably not a skill set that you have, which is good in some in some ways.
So tell us about.
12:44
Speaker 1
Flirting.
You flirt very well, at least when you're dating.
12:48
Speaker 2
I did.
12:49
Speaker 1
You did.
12:50
Speaker 2
And that's all you needed was somebody to take the lead there, I guess.
12:54
Speaker 3
Well, whatever works, works, right?
But I feel like just what you did to Scott, right?
You touched him sometimes the small touches, that's the flirting, you know, making eye contact, that's flirting.
And I feel like that's the skill that a lot of younger people don't even have because they didn't have face to face interactions anymore or very limited interactions.
13:13
Think about maybe inside jokes.
Is there any inside jokes?
Is there anything else?
I feel like that movie Legally Blonde, right?
She does like bend and snap, right?
And that's where it brings a little lightness.
And you joke or you say like, oh, hello there.
You know little things can help you to feel more connected.
13:32
Speaker 2
Yesterday, I was sitting near a couple of people I knew, both single people, and I didn't even know that they knew each other.
But there's a speaker up front, and we're all sitting there listening.
And all of a sudden, I noticed her leaning over and talking to him and touching his arm.
13:49
And I'm like, that's interesting.
Did I really see that?
And I kept looking.
I'd go back, I'd go forward.
I'm like, really?
And then they'd kind of whisper to each other.
And at the end of the speaker, I leaned over and I said, is something going on here?
14:06
They, that's what flirting is, right?
Just touching and looking at each other's eyes and whispering about little things or having inside jokes or something.
14:15
Producing Oxytocin and Understanding Flirting Cues
And from research perspective, so oxytocin, love and bonding hormone, right?
That helps us to feel more connected to our partners.
So how do you produce oxytocin?
Couple of ways.
First, longer hugs. 22nd, hugs trigger brain to produce oxytocin.
14:31
It also helps with stress.
So it actually lowers stress for both partners.
So, and again, this is something that we do with my husband, we have inside joke, you know, whenever we feel stressed or we need a little connection, we say, give me a little oxytocin, right?
So also longer kisses.
14:47
So six second kisses produce oxytocin.
Extended eye gaze produces oxytocin.
That's why we see in the movies where like partners would look each other in the eyes, right?
But again, you need to communicate to a partner that you're trying to flirt.
15:02
I definitely had a couple who, you know, wife came in and she said, well, I was trying to flirt.
And you didn't respond to my cues and then said, like, what do you mean?
And she said like, well, I came to you.
You were in the computer and I came to and I was trying to look you in the eyes.
And he said that was weird.
15:19
And he's like, I don't know what you wanted.
It freaked me out.
And again, she's like, I was trying to flirt.
He's like, OK, so let's figure out a better way.
15:27
Speaker 1
Oh I can totally understand where the guy is coming from.
Trust me, I cannot tell you how many times she's like well I tried to to flirt with you.
15:35
Speaker 2
Doesn't get the messages.
15:37
Speaker 1
And I'll send you a message.
I'm like.
15:40
Speaker 2
Didn't receive it, but he is really good at if he wants to connect with me somehow, just like grabbing my feet and rubbing my feet and he knows that that one always is a good oxytocin producer.
15:53
Speaker 3
Yeah.
OK, so you have your waist.
15:56
Speaker 1
Right.
I have my little hacks, yeah.
15:58
Speaker 2
You talked earlier about some of the ways that desire diminishes.
And I know once you're used to being together for a long time, I think you called that the neutral zone and then you talked about children coming along.
16:12
Individual, Couple, and Family Identity & Desire
That really does create different parts of our identity, right?
We have our own personal identity.
And then as you talk about, we have this marital identity, this couple identity, and then one thing that I hadn't really thought about until you had mentioned it as a family identity.
16:29
How do each of those identities and the way that they interplay impact our desire?
16:35
Speaker 3
So that particular framework actually was the aha moment.
Back in 2017, I worked with a lot of couples and they pretty much had the same story over and over again.
When they would come in, they had children and they felt extremely disconnected and there were no desire in their relationship.
16:53
And I asked, I remember this one couple and asked them, so when was the last time you spent time together?
And they said, oh, we just went out to eat last week.
And I said, just two of you, right?
And they said, Oh no, no, no, with kids.
And I said, so when was the last time just two of you did something together?
17:08
He said like, oh, before kids about 10 years ago.
So that's where I started paying more attention.
And I was asking the same thing every couple that would come in.
And what I noticed that all these couples, they had couples persona that was neglected, right?
So the whole idea is when you're single, you develop your individual persona with your likes, yourself care, things that helps you to fill your cup.
17:29
When you meet your special person, you create additional persona, couples persona for the things you do as a couple.
So at that point, you need to juggle both.
You can't just be with your partner and neglect your individual persona because then it will be toxic dependence, right?
17:45
We want to make sure that we are healthy individuals and we have a healthy relationship.
And then also we can just spend time with our friends or doing our hobbies without giving attention to their partner because then partner, probably 1, want to be with you because they're not getting any attention.
18:01
And then the third persona is being developed.
When we have children, it's the family persona.
And what I see with a lot of couples, they tend to focus a lot on family persona and then they do things with kids.
They go out, they sign up for extra curriculum activities and all that.
18:17
And then they tried to fulfill their own persona, try to see their friends, try to go to the gym or do other things that they enjoy.
But they tend to really neglect their couples persona.
And usually they say like, well, we don't have time for this.
But again, it's, you know, like one of the things that I talk in my book, it's one of the elderly couples that they talked to.
18:37
They were in their like late 70s and what they said they said that they made a selfish decision to fulfil that couples persona and that quote UN quote selfish decision that they made help them to stay together because what starts with us ends with us.
18:51
Speaker 2
So how does an imbalance in those three areas impact desire?
18:57
Nurturing Your Personal Identity to Boost Desire
So I would say if you don't feel connected, right, if that couples persona is not fulfilled, being neglected, you didn't feel connected.
And also you probably, if you didn't have time with your partner, you probably also didn't have time for intimacy, physical intimacy, right?
19:11
Speaker 2
What if you're ignoring your personal persona?
19:14
Speaker 3
So that's also important because sometimes couples would come in and they want to work on their relationship, but in reality, their struggles in the relationship is the symptom of unfulfilled personal identity.
So that's when I always say like, yeah, this relationship is important, but you need to start with yourself and you need to figure out like, what are your triggers?
19:32
Why do they come?
And then what can you do about it?
And sometimes they just need to find their purpose, their hobbies, something that can fill them so they can feel more connected to their partners as well.
19:43
Speaker 2
So just add that to the things that we've talked about here to help desire increase.
Look and see, am I giving so many parts of myself to everybody else that I don't have any downtime to do things that I really desire?
19:58
So focusing on our own personal desires of maybe a hobby or.
20:03
Speaker 1
Well, and you got to find out what those desires are, right?
A lot of people don't know what they are.
20:07
Speaker 2
And if we can figure out what they are, then that actually translates to sexual desire, is that correct?
20:13
Speaker 3
Absolutely, and one of the parts of the desire equilibrium is self desire.
So for especially a lot of women, I mean, I've seen it with men as well, but I usually see it with women when they don't feel comfortable with themselves, they don't desire themselves.
20:28
That's why they don't accept desire from their partners, right?
When they're too busy, when they're carrying too much mental load, when they gain some weight from having children, right?
And sometimes they say, like, I don't have time to take a shower.
I don't want myself.
How can my partner want me?
20:44
And that's why you need to pause and think, what do you need to connect with yourself?
And that's when you can ask your partner, say like, hey, watch the kids.
Let me give myself half an hour.
And what I noticed with husbands, they're more than happy to do that.
20:59
Happy wife, happy life, right?
Or like happy spouse, happy house.
So they just said like we had no idea.
Yeah, absolutely do this for yourself.
I would love for you to be happier and more connected with yourself.
And then again, touch produces oxytocin.
So same thing as when we hug our partners, it helps us to feel more connected, the small touches.
21:18
And again, it could be non sexual touch, right?
I'm talking about just putting lotion on your legs, right?
Like doing the, you know, face skin care.
But it helps us to feel more connected to ourselves and start loving ourselves again.
21:30
Speaker 2
That brings up a good point.
21:32
The Myth of Spontaneous Desire in Long-Term Love
Scotts been reading a book that talks about disembodiment is so common right now.
Did you bump up against anything about disembodiment and how that impacts desire?
21:43
Speaker 3
So it's interesting, we're not like when we're not feeling ourselves, right?
We can be full and whole in that desire, right?
So and I think again, like how do we bring ourselves back into our body, into our wholeness and how we see ourselves or used to see ourselves or sometimes start loving our new self.
22:05
So but again, with desire, it's just so complex and there's so many moving parts.
I know one thing that I always talk about as well is some people, they look for the perfect time and opportunity to be intimate.
They're looking for that spontaneous desire.
22:21
And then if they don't feel desire, they don't, they usually don't even initiate any intimacy.
But there's, I guess the difference.
I always talk about the myth of spontaneous desire.
So when we first meet and we have the spontaneous desire, want to be with our partners, want to have sex, right?
22:36
So what happens?
It's well orchestrated desire.
So we spend a lot of time and attention to have that desire in place.
So we think about the date, we get ready for the date, we dress up with makeup, anticipate, fantasize, and the fantasy itself does a lot of blood work for desire.
22:55
Then we have the joint a positive time together, right?
We go on a date and then as a result, we also know how this date ends.
We have all this allocation and all this intention and attention into our partners, but then what happens later on?
We expect desire just appear out of nowhere, but it takes a lot of work and responsive desire is more present in long term relationships.
23:19
So responsive desire does not start with the desire in your head and the psychology, it starts with the touch.
So you connect with your partner, you touch your partner and then you feel desire.
So sometimes it helps to maintain intimacy, physical intimacy.
But if you want to bring it that spontaneous desire back, try to think of the conditions that help to create a desire, right?
23:41
Is it ambiance?
Is it like the the candles use it that helps you new experience, right?
So for research perspective, novelty helps to spike desire.
23:51
Speaker 2
Novelty is a big part of what in got things rolling in the beginning, right?
23:56
Speaker 3
And again, it doesn't need to be role play.
I was just on the podcast and the interviewer was asking me, is it like just some couples think if they don't role play or if they don't bring any kink into their intimacy, they will not have desire?
Absolutely not, right?
The small things.
That's why I always bring up a three Z date night because the new experience together can help to spike that desire.
24:17
Sometimes even like changing the place at the house, like if you're always on the bed, go on the couch if you can, right?
So change things up to bring that novelty back.
24:27
Exploring the Six Erotic Currencies of Desire
That's part of the play you were talking about.
That helps our desire.
24:31
Speaker 1
You talked about the six erotic currencies of desire.
Is that kind of what you're talking about here?
24:38
Speaker 3
Absolutely.
And again, some people say they missing that mystery or some people say like, well, you never initiate.
So try to if you say like, Oh yeah, you're right.
And sometimes one partner would not initiate intimacy, not because they don't want to initiate because they just used to their partners always initiating.
24:57
So it's almost they're saying like we always do that.
So like, I didn't realize that you also need that.
And I think so that's why I have a test on the book website, right?
So you can see like what's missing?
What do you need?
What's important to you to make your intimacy more exciting and then how fulfilled that need for you?
25:13
Speaker 2
So can you repeat the six for us again?
25:15
Speaker 3
So we have seduction, right?
So the art of persuasion, right?
How do we flirt and seduct our partners?
So some people, they just want to be seduced, right?
So the second one is imagination, right?
So this is mental erraticism, right?
So different things that like maybe you want to bring more fun and excitement.
25:33
And for that I have the fantasy drawer.
When you think of like different fantasies that you can put there and you can take the piece of paper from the drawer and talk to your partner about it.
You don't have to act on that fantasy, but we'll see how a conversation and sometimes conversation can be enough to almost fulfill that fantasy.
25:51
Then you have the receptivity.
So like how open you are to actually accept what your partner is trying to offer you.
And then we have initiation, right?
A lot of actual people, they miss that initiation part.
When you take action and you show desire towards your partner, then we have validation, right?
26:08
So this is when you have affirmation.
And again, it can be physical, it can be verbal affirmation that whatever your partner is doing, you're excited about because sometimes you have no idea you're doing something and you don't talk about it.
You know, you don't give each other score, but you say like, oh, wow, that was actually really hot.
26:25
That sometimes is the missing part for some couples to say like, oh, wow, you know, that was definitely better.
And then the last one is mystery, right?
So that's where like, how do you create that mystery?
How do you create that distance or something more exciting?
And then in my book, I talk about permission to be unknown and consensual uncertainty.
26:43
So that's when you go on a date, you actually create more play with that.
For example, you take your partner on a date and they have no idea where they're going to take them.
You can either tell them like, Hey, meet me at this address and you know, this is how you address.
Is it like sport outfit?
26:59
Is it like fancy?
And that's it.
And then think about like you going on that date separately, you're getting ready and you're excited and you anticipate that date.
27:09
Speaker 2
I like that a lot.
27:10
Speaker 3
And you don't need to do it every single time, but that's when you can like really plan and then try to bring that desire back.
27:17
It's Never Too Late to Rebuild Desire
You've taught us so many good things today about desire and how to overcome some of the ways that we've just slid.
So you're saying if there's a couple here who's saying I really love my spouse but I don't desire them sexually, you're saying it's not too late, that things can still change?
27:36
Speaker 3
Absolutely.
And again, think about like what are the barriers, what's going on?
And sometimes it's very simple and a lot of people will be so surprised how simple things are.
So I work with a couple and again, two kids, been married for some time, you know, busy lives, busy careers and that they didn't have intimacy for a long time.
27:57
And then they were in sexless marriage.
She just said I don't have any desire.
And when you think of that desire, it can be affected by a lot of things.
It can be affected by emotional climate of the relationship.
It can be affected by hormones, right, but also stress.
It also can be affected by medication.
28:12
Even Tylenol can affect your desire, which is interesting, right?
But in their case, they were just not connecting.
You know, she needed that emotional connection and what they start doing one simple thing.
So they started with trying to see what's going well in the relationship, make mental notes and say to your partner.
28:30
But then also another thing, they start checking in 5 minutes a day.
That's it.
So 5 minutes a day when they come in from work, they say like, hey, how was your day?
I missed you.
Tell me how you've been doing.
And then when they start doing it every day, like when they cook dinner after dinner, 5 minutes a day, help them to feel more connected and be more intentional.
28:49
And then she said, wow, I have desire from my partner, which was really, really interesting.
And then summer happened and then they came back and they told me that they actually fall back into that like sexist marriage once a month.
And I said, like, what changed?
They said, actually we stopped doing the chickens.
29:05
I was like, huh, interesting.
29:08
Speaker 2
Wow, that is a.
29:09
Speaker 1
Great.
I would say that's probably the norm.
Most people stop doing what they're doing because it's hard to swim upstream your whole life.
But that's what's required.
You got to swim upstream all the time.
29:23
Speaker 2
If you're going to get.
29:25
Speaker 1
Better, Yeah.
If you're going to get better at your job, if you're going to get better at your, you know, anything in life, you have to, you have to swim upstream.
And it's just easy.
That's the one of the first things to go is the marriage when other things or other stresses are going on in life, right.
29:41
So we have to be extremely intentional.
29:44
Speaker 3
Absolutely.
And again, this is where when you think about that relationships model, right, positive and neutral negative.
So that couple that I just described, they were not in negative space anymore.
So when they originally came in, they were in negative space and neutral space, right?
That loop was happening in their relationship.
30:01
So right now they're in the positive and neutral space in the relationship and they know exactly what happens when they start slipping into the negative space and what to do about it.
So then when they came in and did a self check in, so they're like, yeah, boy, it sounds like we're in that like neutral space.
So we need to step up our game.
30:16
Let's schedule a date night.
30:18
Speaker 2
Do they have a time set apart during the week that they can say, OK, where are we?
Are we neutral?
Are we positive?
Are we negative or is it just when when they come in to you?
30:28
Speaker 3
This is when they come in to me and they reflect on it, but they have the language so they actually can say it like, oh, we're actually, you know, moving to the neutral space.
So we're like, we're getting closer to the negative space.
So they know like what are the signs?
And then also what they need to do.
And then when they say it out loud, same as like when you express the emotions, right?
30:46
It's time for you to do something about it.
So that's why it's important to have the shared language.
30:51
Consistent Effort and Grace for Lasting Connection
Yeah.
So we, we recommend having a weekly couples council where we talk about all kinds of things.
But I hadn't really thought about doing something like that.
Put a check on there for where's our desire?
Where are we with things lately?
Just to have those very simple measurements to see, do we need to up our game a little better?
31:10
Do we need to get a little more connected?
Do we need a little more time focusing on our individual interests to take care of ourselves or where?
31:19
Speaker 1
Yeah, I would think that would be more our situation because we spent a lot of time together.
31:23
Speaker 2
We do.
31:24
Speaker 1
I think the pain point is probably going to be where do we have individual time, Yeah, that we can carve out.
We just so we don't feel like somebody is taking advantage of us when it's time for us.
31:36
Speaker 2
Or that this is another thing to do.
Yeah, right.
Exactly.
Anna, this has been so wonderful.
Can we have you leave us with the one?
31:45
Speaker 1
Big test take away.
31:46
Speaker 2
That you want our listeners to hear.
31:48
Speaker 3
So when you want to get in the shape and form that you want to be and you go to the gym, you work really, really hard.
And when you get to the shape and form, you don't stop.
You still maintain that, right?
Because if you stop exercising, you will revert back to how you started.
So same with relationship.
32:03
You get to the place where you want to be with your partner, with your relationship, you still need to maintain.
And I would say give yourself grace.
Give your partner grace and never stop connecting and never stop flirting.
I think it's important.
32:18
Discover 'The Formula of Desire' Book and Assessments
That's so good I got.
32:20
Speaker 1
To learn how to flirt, Yeah.
32:22
Speaker 2
Well, that can be your thing to work on.
I'll work on some of the other things she talked about.
So if people want to find your book, I know it's just being released.
This is really exciting time for you.
Where can they find your book and where can they take your assessment?
32:37
Speaker 3
Absolutely.
So you can find everything on the book website.
So it's the same as the title of the book, the Formula of Desire.
So it's the formula ofdesire.com.
They can take 2 assessments, right?
Assessment number one is the relational desire score.
It measures the health of the relationship like a credit score.
32:54
And when two partners take the test, they can see where they stand.
Because when we talked about that pre terminal, terminal stage of the relationship, right, you can actually see because one partner can be, there's five tiers that one partner can be in tier four or five, which is good, right?
That means that their needs are met, but they can't assume that their partners needs are also met and they're also in tier four or five.
33:14
So what I usually see with couples who feel really disconnected, 1 can be in higher tiers and the second partner can be in the lower tiers.
And that's where it opens that conversation of like, hey, what's going on?
What do you need to feel more fulfilled and happy and desired in this relationship?
33:32
So that's test #1 and the second test is the currency of desire.
That's when you see what's your top currency for your desire to make it more fulfilling and exciting.
So the website also has animation videos for some of the frameworks in the book.
They're nice and simple and also some of the exercises so I have A through Z date night.
33:52
It's interactive exercise, so you can actually create your own and you can also have some ideas for dates, which is really fun and also part of the book.
I have the desire lab, so desire lab with the purchase of the book, you'll have access to desire lab which is also in the website.
34:08
So it has additional exercises and assessments.
34:11
Speaker 2
And the website againistheformulaofdesire.com.
34:15
Speaker 3
Yep the formula ofdesire.com and also the book is being sold on Amazon.
Barnes and Nobles Walmart book on what's the I don't remember like all the websites.
34:24
Speaker 1
All over.
34:25
Speaker 3
All over the place.
34:26
Speaker 2
We'll put a link to it in our in our show notes for any of the listeners that want to access that.
34:32
Speaker 3
Absolutely.
34:32
Speaker 2
This is a fantastic book.
34:34
Speaker 1
Yeah, I look forward to reading it myself.
Thank you so much for joining us today.
34:38
Speaker 3
Thank you for having me.
34:39
Speaker 1
And for our audience, reach out to us Hello at marriageiq.com if you have any questions or comments and make sure you like and subscribe wherever you are on whatever platform.
And we really hope to see you on another exciting episode of Marriage
