Why the Qualities You Love in Your Spouse Can Frustrate You
Opposites Attract, Then Drive You Crazy: The Paradox of Marriage
Have you ever wondered why the very qualities that attracted you to your spouse in the beginning are sometimes the same ones that frustrate you years later?
Maybe you fell in love with your partner's confidence, only to find it overwhelming when that confidence turns into stubbornness. Perhaps you admired their independence but now wish they would lean on you more. Or maybe you were drawn to their calm, predictable nature, only to find yourself craving a little more spontaneity.
Welcome to the paradox of marriage.
In Episode 154 of Marriage IQ, Dr. Heidi Hastings and Dr. Scott Hastings explore the contradictions that make relationships both challenging and beautiful. Through personal stories and reflections from their own marriage of more than 30 years, they reveal how understanding these paradoxes can help couples move beyond frustration and toward deeper connection.
We're All a Little Contradictory
Think about everything you want from life and your relationship. You want security, but you also want excitement. You want independence, but you want to feel connected. You want to be strong and confident, yet you also want the freedom to be vulnerable.
And somewhere in the middle of all those desires, you want your spouse to understand exactly what you need-even when you haven't entirely figured it out yourself.
That's a tall order.
As Scott points out, we often expect our partners to understand our needs without realizing that we can be a mystery to ourselves. After decades together, he and Heidi still occasionally find themselves wishing the other could somehow know what they need at precisely the right moment.
The truth is that marriage brings together two people with equally complicated inner worlds. Each person carries different experiences, expectations, temperaments, and ways of understanding love.
Expecting your spouse to instinctively understand all of that is unrealistic. Learning to communicate it is where the real work begins.
When Trying Harder Makes Things Worse
One of the most fascinating aspects of a paradox is that trying to achieve something can sometimes produce the opposite result.
Consider sleep. The harder you try to fall asleep, the more frustrated and alert you might become. Your effort to force the outcome actually works against you.
The same thing can happen in marriage.
Imagine wanting your spouse to desire you spontaneously. You explain how important spontaneous desire is to you, remind them regularly, and keep bringing it up. But the more pressure you introduce, the less spontaneous the experience becomes.
You may be asking for genuine desire while unintentionally creating an environment where your partner feels obligated to provide it.
This doesn't mean your needs are unimportant. It means the way you pursue those needs matters.
Sometimes, instead of pushing harder, you need to pause and consider whether your approach is making the desired outcome more difficult to achieve.
Are Your Differences Really the Problem?
It's easy to become frustrated when your spouse experiences the world differently from you.
Perhaps you express affection through physical touch, while your partner feels most connected through conversation. Maybe one of you is comfortable taking financial risks, while the other is more willing to take emotional risks. One person might naturally communicate verbally, while the other expresses intimacy through physical closeness.
Neither approach is automatically wrong. They are simply different ways of experiencing and expressing connection.
Yet we often judge these differences through our own perspective. We assume that because something feels natural to us, it should feel natural to our spouse, too.
When it doesn't, we may interpret the difference as a failure.
As Heidi and Scott discuss, the real source of frustration isn't always the difference itself. Sometimes, it's the expectation that our partner should experience life the way we do.
What if your spouse's different approach isn't evidence that they're doing something wrong? What if it's an invitation to understand another perspective?
That shift can change the entire conversation.
When Your Favorite Qualities Become Frustrating
The paradox becomes even more interesting when we look at the traits that initially drew us to our partners.
You might have fallen in love with your spouse because they were confident, decisive, and willing to take charge. Those qualities made you feel secure and attracted to their strength.
But when confidence becomes arrogance or decisiveness becomes rigidity, the same qualities can become difficult to live with.
Likewise, you might love your partner's nurturing, adaptable nature but become frustrated when that flexibility turns into passivity or difficulty setting boundaries.
The quality itself isn't necessarily the problem. Sometimes, it's how that quality is expressed, how far it goes, or how it interacts with our own needs.
Recognizing this can help couples move away from labeling each other as the problem. Instead of saying, "You're too controlling," you might explore when confidence becomes inflexibility and what each of you needs to feel respected.
This isn't about excusing hurtful behavior. Some patterns genuinely need to change. Understanding your spouse's perspective should never become a reason to ignore destructive behavior or avoid accountability.
Rather, it's about recognizing that your first interpretation may not tell the whole story.
Learning to Appreciate Masculine and Feminine Traits
Heidi and Scott also explore the idea of masculine and feminine traits and how these patterns can influence relationships.
Traits commonly associated with masculinity include strength, confidence, independence, decisiveness, and protectiveness. Traits often associated with femininity include nurturing, emotional awareness, adaptability, cooperation, and vulnerability.
Both sets of traits can have positive and negative expressions. Confidence can become arrogance, just as nurturing can become overdependence. Independence can be empowering, but taken too far, it can make connection difficult.
Importantly, these traits aren't exclusive to men or women. Individuals can express both masculine and feminine qualities, and how those qualities appear can vary with personality, experience, and circumstances.
The couple reflects on how partners sometimes want each other to develop the very qualities they naturally identify with. One partner may appreciate greater confidence and decisiveness, while the other longs for more tenderness and emotional openness.
This creates another paradox: we want our spouse to give us something that may not come naturally to them.
The solution isn't to force your partner into a particular role. It's to recognize the qualities that help each of you feel loved and supported, then learn how to express them in ways that strengthen your relationship.
From Conflict to Curiosity
So how do couples begin breaking these frustrating cycles?
According to Heidi and Scott, awareness is the first step.
When you notice yourself becoming irritated by your spouse's behavior, pause before deciding what it means. Ask yourself whether you're responding to the behavior itself or to an expectation you've attached to it.
Then talk about it.
Instead of assuming your partner should know what you need, explain it. Instead of treating their different approach as a flaw, ask how they experience the situation.
You might discover that what looks like emotional distance to you is simply a different way of processing feelings. Or what feels like unnecessary risk-taking to your spouse is, for you, an expression of confidence and possibility.
Understanding doesn't require agreement on everything. It requires enough curiosity to recognize that your perspective isn't the only one available.
And as you learn more about each other, you can also learn each other's language of intimacy. You may never express affection in precisely the same way, but you can become more intentional about meeting each other where you are.
Seeing the Glass Differently
One of the most memorable ideas from Heidi and Scott's conversation is the image of a glass that's half full.
We tend to see the glass as either half full or half empty, as though only one interpretation can be correct. But the glass is also full of air.
Nothing about the glass changed. What changed was the perspective.
Marriage often works the same way. Two people can look at the same situation and see completely different things. Rather than assuming one person must be right and the other wrong, couples can explore what each perspective reveals.
Your differences don't have to be obstacles to overcome. With awareness, patience, and a willingness to grow, they can become opportunities to understand each other more deeply.
The goal isn't to eliminate every contradiction or become perfectly compatible. It's to learn how to navigate the tension between independence and connection, strength and tenderness, stability and adventure.
Because a lasting marriage isn't built on two people who experience everything the same way. It's built on two people willing to keep learning about themselves and each other.
As Heidi and Scott remind us, a scintillating marriage first requires a change in ourselves.
Sometimes, the qualities that drive us crazy are also the ones that make our relationships extraordinary. The challenge is learning to recognize the difference-and choosing to grow together rather than allowing those differences to pull us apart.
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0:00
How Attraction Can Lead to Frustration in Marriage
Now here's where the paradox gets really interesting.
OK, Could some of the very masculine qualities that attracted you to me become the qualities that frustrate you when they're taken to an extreme?
0:15
Speaker 2
Probably.
So like if I loved your strength and your confidence, could it be that sometimes your strength or your confidence really bug me?
0:27
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse.
0:36
Speaker 2
I'm Heidi Hastings.
0:37
Speaker 1
And I'm Scott Hastings.
Welcome back, you scintillating lovers out there.
From all of us here at Merrill Dyke.
You, we love you.
We love that you keep coming back week after week to be enlightened, to be celebrated, and to be a little more scintillating than the week before.
0:58
And if you're new to our podcast, Welcome in the Fire is warm, the chair is comfy.
Kick off your shoes and stay awhile, Heidi.
Life is perplexing, right?
1:10
Speaker 2
It can be.
1:12
Speaker 1
But here's what fascinates me.
I want to feel safe, but I also want excitement.
I want to feel needed, but I also want independence.
I want to feel powerful, but I also want to be vulnerable.
1:27
I want to be confident, excellent, successful, noticed and desired.
I want to stand out, but I also want to blend in.
I want to feel connected, protected, supported.
I want peace, tranquility, and safety.
1:45
I want intimacy.
Don't we all?
I want to feel all the feelings, do all the things, go all the places, and create all the creations.
And somehow I'm supposed to accomplish all of this while being married to another person?
2:03
You.
2:04
Speaker 2
All those same things, yeah, different.
2:08
Speaker 1
You who have an equally complicated internal universe?
Good grief.
2:16
Speaker 2
So, Scott, before we even get to the differences between men and women, aren't you really just describing contradictions that occur within and exist within each of us?
2:29
Speaker 1
Exactly.
Before I even try to understand you, Heidi, I have to recognize that I'm often a mystery to myself.
2:37
Speaker 2
Yeah, I get that.
2:38
Speaker 1
And here's the real kicker.
I want you, Heidi, to understand all these seemingly contradictory things about me, even when I don't entirely understand them myself.
2:48
Speaker 2
That's a problem.
2:50
Speaker 1
Well, it's a problem that's shared by all of us.
2:53
Speaker 2
That's true.
2:55
Speaker 1
After 30 years of marriage, my love, I still occasionally expect you to know exactly what I need it.
Precisely the moment I need it.
Apparently 30 years isn't sufficient training for telepathy.
3:08
Speaker 2
I'm better than I was 30 years ago.
3:11
Speaker 1
Welcome to life, my dear friends.
Welcome to paradox.
Now, before we explore these paradoxes I've prepared, I want to introduce something fascinating about masculine and feminine identity.
3:25
Unpacking Nature's Role in Masculine and Feminine Identity
OK, go for it.
Let's see what you know.
3:28
Speaker 1
As I said before, I experienced life through the mind and body of a man.
Heidi, I need your help because you experienced life through the mind and body of a woman.
3:37
Speaker 2
OK, awesome.
3:39
Speaker 1
I don't know what it's like to live inside your mind.
You don't know what it's like to live inside mine.
And while we share an enormous amount of common humanity, we may also bring forth different biological predispositions into our relationship.
3:54
Speaker 2
OK, agreed.
3:55
Speaker 1
And those who insist that all the differences between men and women are environmental, social or the result of childhood conditioning, I want to introduce a fascinating study.
In fact, this was just done September 2026.
4:11
Speaker 2
OK.
I'm excited to.
4:12
Speaker 1
Hear caught off the press by Khan and colleagues.
Published in The Biology of Sex Differences, they examine 130 newborns, 33 hours old on average, just barely.
4:24
Speaker 2
Pities just over a day old.
4:26
Speaker 1
Barely here.
And they discovered that among the male neonates, the female neonates, they gave them choices to look at a human face or a moving object, like a ball that's moving.
4:44
Speaker 2
OK.
4:44
Speaker 1
Now in this study, I don't want to overstate it, but so both sexes preferred looking at the human face.
4:53
Speaker 2
Even though they really had only been exposed to human faces for a day.
4:57
Speaker 1
Yeah, 33 hours on average.
However, more boys than girls, males or than females, looked at the ball moving, the mechanical object moving.
So maybe, Heidi, biology has more influence on our predispositions than we're sometimes willing to acknowledge.
5:18
Speaker 2
So that nature versus nurture question that's been around forever, you're saying that maybe the nature part of it we can't ignore.
5:28
Speaker 1
Yeah, we can't.
5:30
Speaker 2
It's a good mix of the two.
5:31
Speaker 1
I think in our day, we're trying to eliminate differences.
Yeah, in our quest for equalization, and they're there.
You can't get around it.
Biology matters.
And that also comes into the marriage when we start talking about these biological predispositions, our individual temperaments, our past experiences, expectations that we've learned through the years, that combo of biology and environment.
6:03
And that kind of sets that stage for a very big paradox.
All right.
6:12
Speaker 2
Can I ask you a question?
6:13
Speaker 1
Sure.
6:14
Speaker 2
OK.
So how much of our marital frustration do you think comes from the differences between gender themselves, and how much of it comes from our expectations about those differences?
6:28
Speaker 1
I think that second part is enormous, the existence.
6:32
Speaker 2
Expectations.
6:33
Speaker 1
Of a difference isn't necessarily the problem.
The problem often begins when I interpret your different orientation as evidence of how well you're doing life, if you're doing it correctly or incorrectly.
6:51
Speaker 2
So everything that you view about me comes from a male perspective and influences if you think I'm right or wrong.
6:59
Speaker 1
Yeah, to some degree.
7:01
Speaker 2
That's an interesting point.
7:02
Speaker 1
Look, I'm trying to push against that, but I think that just comes more naturally to me, OK.
But so like I assume the way I naturally experience love, support, connection must be the way that youth experience it because I don't have any other experience.
7:18
I don't have any other way of doing it, right?
That.
So we're moving beyond ordinary differences.
We're moving into this paradox.
7:26
Speaker 2
All right, So what is a paradox anyway?
7:30
Understanding Contradictions That Reveal Deeper Truths
So I love paradoxes.
7:33
Speaker 2
I do too, but for our listeners, why don't you go ahead and explain it to them?
7:37
Speaker 1
A paradox is a situation, a statement, experience that appears contradictory or impossible, yet may reveal A deeper truth when examined more carefully.
It's when two things that seem unable to coexist turn out to be true at the same time.
7:55
And that can be really mind bending when our efforts to achieve 1 outcome produces precisely the opposite.
You know, take sleep.
You're lying in bed 2 in the morning, you're trying to desperately fall asleep.
So what do you do?
8:10
You.
8:11
Speaker 2
Stay awake.
8:12
Speaker 1
You try harder, you take.
8:13
Speaker 2
Melatonin.
8:14
Speaker 1
You concentrate on the sleep, and then you don't sleep.
Suddenly you're more awake than ever, and the harder you try to fall asleep, the harder it becomes.
Or how about this one?
I want you, Heidi, to desire me spontaneously.
8:31
I repeatedly explain how important spontaneous desire is to me.
8:35
Speaker 2
That sounds like the 1st 20 years of our marriage.
8:39
Speaker 1
I want to I remind you how much I want you to want me, all right?
8:46
Speaker 2
Seems like that's a good place for a song.
8:48
Speaker 1
Yes, it is.
I don't know who's saying it, but.
8:52
Speaker 2
I want you to want me.
8:55
Speaker 1
So after enough reminders, you would finally agree, right?
9:00
Speaker 2
Yeah, like we'd have to have a pillow on our bed that said yes.
9:05
Speaker 1
Or no.
9:06
Speaker 2
But we did talk about that.
That might be a good idea, because then it would at least remind me that I was supposed to want you.
9:13
Speaker 1
Yeah, that is funny because I want you spontaneously.
9:21
Speaker 2
I want you, yeah.
9:25
Speaker 1
Exactly.
That's exactly my point.
And I bring the biology into it because, look, I don't want people to feel bad.
These are just fundamental predispositions that come into our life and quite frankly.
9:39
Speaker 2
You better explain a little bit more than that.
Something is not wrong with me that I'm just wired differently.
9:47
Speaker 1
Yeah, right.
9:48
Speaker 2
Well, Scott, how do we distinguish embracing a paradox from rationalizing something in our marriage that genuinely needs to change?
10:01
Speaker 1
OK, that's important distinction, my love.
Embracing paradox doesn't mean pretending everything is wonderful.
It doesn't.
We do not pretend.
It doesn't mean we're ignoring these serious problems or explaining away some destructive behaviors.
10:20
It does mean that some things need to change to be repaired.
So my existing framework doesn't explain the whole situation.
And before I can conclude that you are the problem, perhaps I should consider there's another way to explain it.
10:40
Which brings me to 2 famous people in history, Sir Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein.
Aristotle taught that everything just moves toward the center of the earth, and Newton challenged that.
He talked about gravity, about magnetism, about density, and there was a scientific revolution.
11:02
And then Einstein challenged Newton 200 years later and introduced quantum mechanics.
What Aristotle taught was there was truth in that.
What Newton taught, there was truth in that.
What Einstein learned there is truth in that from different perspectives.
11:19
Speaker 2
So can we take this whole paradox thing then and bring it directly into masculine and feminine identity?
11:27
Speaker 1
Yeah, yeah.
11:28
Identifying Core Masculine and Feminine Characteristics
OK, so we often talk about masculinity and femininity as though they're simply social constructs or personality preferences, but I really think that they're more foundational than that.
Like you said, they're biological influences.
11:47
There are behavioral predispositions and recurring masculine and feminine patterns that we see in research or we see in our own kids that shape how many men and women experience the world.
And I think you would agree with all of that.
Is that right?
12:03
Speaker 1
Yeah, OK.
12:05
Speaker 2
And I think understanding those identities is fundamental to understanding marriage.
These aren't rigid definitions of every man or every woman.
They're broad, they're broad patterns, and every individual expresses them differently.
But let's look at what we commonly recognize as positive, masculine and feminine characteristics.
12:28
And we did this exercise in a meditation retreat that we went to recently.
12:32
Speaker 1
Yeah, I really liked.
12:33
Speaker 2
It So what positive attributes do you think are assigned most often to masculine traits?
12:41
Speaker 1
Yeah, I think strong, protective, confident, bold, independent, stable, grounded, decisive, goal oriented.
12:54
Speaker 2
That's a lot you got.
You came up with those really quick.
12:58
Speaker 1
Competitive.
12:59
Speaker 2
Yes, I would say that too.
13:01
Speaker 1
Physical.
Erotic.
13:03
Speaker 2
OK.
Yeah, all of those I think we typically think is attributes that belong to men, right?
13:10
Speaker 1
Yeah, these are masculine, right?
So I'm not actually assigning them to men right just yet, but they're more masculine traits.
13:16
Speaker 2
So what about negative masculine traits?
What would some of those be like?
I think I'll get us started here.
I think typically they're more powerful in a way that can be difficult.
13:33
Speaker 1
So maybe domineering?
13:34
Speaker 2
OK, that's a good word for it.
Maybe more risky, more rigid, detached, cold.
OK, now let's look at positive traits that appear to be more feminine.
OK.
13:48
Speaker 1
So positive feminine traits.
13:50
Speaker 2
What do you think?
And I'll add some in.
13:53
Speaker 1
Well, nurturing, yeah.
Expressive.
13:57
Speaker 2
OK.
13:58
Speaker 1
Adaptable and inclusive.
Cooperative.
OK, Emotionally aware.
14:07
Speaker 2
More than men.
14:08
Speaker 1
Or more.
14:09
Speaker 2
Than masculine, OK.
14:11
Speaker 1
Intuitive.
So those are some of the positive feminine.
14:15
Speaker 2
OK, traits, maybe I would say more vulnerable, more supportive.
I think sometimes women are seen as more erotic, but it I don't know, it almost seems more like in dance or in the arts or something more than in real life sometimes.
14:37
Speaker 1
Well, I think erotic can go both ways.
There's a positive masculine and a positive feminine trait, OK.
14:44
Speaker 2
I think they're definitely more verbal.
14:47
Speaker 1
So what are some negative ones?
You get a that's.
14:49
Speaker 2
What I did, Oh, you want me to say?
Yeah.
I think more often women are seen as being codependent, less independent.
They could be seen as more manipulative or more passive aggressive.
So now if we look at those lists, notice that both the masculine and the feminine traits and identities contain both powerful and really powerful and desirable qualities, but they also have parts of them that appear both.
15:21
Speaker 1
Pretty negative, yeah.
15:23
Speaker 2
It was really interesting when we were doing this exercises are at our retreat, we looked at the page where we had the positive and the negative things and then they asked right now look at the traits without noticing what's positive and negative and see what you feel like.
15:44
Was I, as a woman at that time feeling more in alignment with some of the masculine or the feminine traits?
15:52
Speaker 1
What were you feeling at that time?
15:54
Speaker 2
At that moment, I felt more in alignment with the masculine traits, more bold.
I felt more bold, I felt more empowered.
I felt more organized, more like leadership, some of those traits.
16:09
And I found that very interesting.
I've never noticed that within myself.
I might carry some of both.
16:17
Speaker 1
Yeah.
And and it goes back and forth, but we tend to lean in toward those biological traits that we were kind of born into.
We kind of lean.
16:29
Speaker 2
Into.
16:30
Speaker 1
That you might respond with a negative feminine identity.
16:36
The "Oil and Vinegar" of Gender Dynamics in Marriage
So let's say, let's take for example, you loved how confident I was earlier on in our relationship.
But as I became what you interpreted as being too confident, cocky, maybe you responded by one of the more common negative feminine traits.
17:01
Speaker 2
Which was what?
17:02
Speaker 1
Like let's say chaotic or passive aggressive or you know what I mean?
Like it's interesting because as a man, it seems to me that I want you to take on more positive masculine traits.
17:20
Speaker 2
Oh, really?
17:21
Speaker 1
And as a woman, you want me to take on more positive feminine traits?
17:28
Speaker 2
Like being emotional.
Like being.
17:30
Speaker 1
Well, ultimate, yeah.
Like being like, say, vulnerable.
17:33
Speaker 2
Being more nurturing, nurturing when I'm having a hard time, that's fascinating.
17:37
Speaker 1
Right.
So like, our kids are way long gone, but like changing a diaper or Cassidy putting her hair up before school, like that is something that you like because it's a trait that you normally have and you're seeing it in me and I like to see you.
17:56
Speaker 2
More confident, more strength, more.
18:00
Speaker 1
So.
18:00
Speaker 2
Powerful showing up more powerfully.
18:02
Speaker 1
What happens is we want our spouse to take on those positive traits that we align with.
Yeah, but my point here is that it's like as paradox, we want what we, our spouse to give us that they can't necessarily, at least from the outset.
18:27
I'm set as a masculine identity.
You're set as a feminine identity.
I want more masculine identity from you.
You want more feminine identity from me, and I can't give it to you all the time because I'm a man.
But now of course we can crossover.
I can certainly cross over into the feminine.
18:44
You can certainly cross over into the masculine.
Like I said, this does not define man, woman.
This is more masculine, feminine.
18:52
Speaker 2
It's treats, yeah.
18:54
Speaker 1
And so in a way, it's kind of like oil and water, right?
It's your oil or I'm oil, that doesn't matter.
Your water, which by itself, just you, you can't do anything with it.
Polar opposite.
19:09
But when I put it on my salad as oil and vinegar, it becomes amazing.
It becomes delicious.
These seemingly 2 polar opposites.
And as we move through these masculine, feminine phases in our lives, as we learn about them too, we can learn how to respond in a way that's healthy.
19:35
Instead of moving into that negative common trait for our said identity.
We can learn to break that cycle.
All right, you.
19:44
Speaker 2
Break the cycle.
19:46
Speaker 1
It well, knowledge is the first thing, right?
Awareness, yeah.
Knowing, saying, oh, this is what's happening and then getting together, talking about it, discussing it.
You know, I would not say that I'm excessively confident or excessively.
20:03
Power seeking.
I do take risks more than you do on certain things.
20:09
Speaker 2
Sometimes.
20:10
Speaker 1
You take more risks on some things than I do more.
Your risks are more emotional.
My risks are more financial.
And it is interesting too.
You are more verbal.
You communicate more verbally.
You reach intimacy.
20:26
That is how your intimacy language is spoken.
It's verbally.
My intimacy language is physical, and that's not going to really change a whole lot, but I can learn your language.
20:41
Speaker 2
I can learn your language.
20:43
Speaker 1
Yeah, so it's interesting.
We're back to this kind of glass, half full glass, half empty.
It's the same thing.
You're still looking at the same glass.
Which one do you choose?
20:57
Speaker 2
Well, I'm going to be happier if I realize the glass is full all the time.
21:02
Speaker 1
Yeah.
21:03
Speaker 2
It's full of water and it's full.
21:05
Speaker 1
Of air, yes, that's a great perspective.
I love it.
And so I think at the end of the day, we can look at marriage as this impossibility.
How could we possibly, you know, oil and water, black and white like so polar opposite.
21:22
How do we make this work?
Or we can look at it as it's already there.
We're already there.
We just need to acknowledge it because maybe sometimes we don't know it.
21:32
Speaker 2
And see, it is good.
See it is good.
I mean, we can see that we have room to change and room to grow.
But just recognizing that this is what's going on, this is how we're made, this is flexible.
It's not rigid and it's good.
21:49
Speaker 1
So do you, do you find an issue with that theory or?
21:55
Cultivating a Beautiful Dance Through Marital Differences
No, it was actually a little bit eye opening.
I remember at the time I was called on to, I just identified that right now I'm feeling a lot of those really powerful masculine positive traits.
22:14
You call them identities.
And then I was asked a question about our marriage, and it came out in a strong, masculine way, not a feminine, soft and tender way, and probably made me look pretty stupid.
22:33
But you know what you did when I did that?
22:37
Speaker 1
I answered in a feminine way.
22:39
Speaker 2
You responded in a soft, feminine way, which then you walked away looking like the really positive.
22:47
Speaker 1
Well, did I though?
22:49
Speaker 2
Yeah, I think so.
I mean, to a woman you would have.
22:51
Speaker 1
But we were all reversed very quickly.
We're not here to say that men only have masculine traits and women only have feminine traits.
It's not what we're saying at all.
We're saying that while we may have spheres that we identify more with, we can most certainly move between the masculine feminine together.
23:16
Speaker 2
Well, and perhaps the masculine and feminine, positive and negative, are partially social constructs, right?
We assigned them.
Maybe in a different society, women would be the more powerful ones.
23:34
I know there are some societies where that's the case and they take on more of those masculine types of roles.
23:41
Speaker 1
Right, but you go through history, all Earth's history.
23:45
Speaker 2
Largely.
23:46
Speaker 1
The men are the conquerors.
That's a fact that we cannot.
23:50
Speaker 2
Change providers because they're larger, stronger.
23:54
Speaker 1
Yeah, the armies are.
They're fought by men for thousands of years.
And so we're not, we don't want to ignore that part of things too, but at the same time, learning how to really lean in to, for you, you're positive masculine identity.
24:12
Because I'm going to feel better about our relationship.
And as I can lean into more positive feminine identity, you're going to feel more supported in the relationship as we do that back and forth, this seemingly polar opposite, it actually makes for really beautiful life.
24:35
Speaker 2
Beautiful dance.
24:37
Speaker 1
Yeah.
All right, folks, tell us what you think.
Drop a a message wherever you're listening or watching this you agree with our thoughts on identity, masculine and feminine, and how this great paradox seemingly doesn't seem to work, but also at the same time works incredibly beautifully.
24:56
Reach out to us hello at marriageiq.com and let us know what you would like to see in future episodes.
In the meantime, remember that the scintillating marriage first requires a change in ourselves.
25:12
We will see you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage.
Thank you.
